


Burned on the pyre

by SunSpell80



Series: The things we lost in the fire [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: (but also plenty of humor and fluff along the way), (not the parents), Angst with a Happy Ending, Background canon characters and relationships, Bisexual Disasters Buck and Eddie, California Wild Fires, Canon Divergent After Season 3, Canon-Typical Violence, Firefam Feels, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, PSA: this is part 2 please read part 1 (waves) first or you will be confused, Past Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Post Season 3, Recovery, Slow Burn, Soft Eddie Diaz, Strong Language, TWs in chapter notes, nothing but love and respect for the firefam, very slow slow burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:41:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 164,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24616996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunSpell80/pseuds/SunSpell80
Summary: It was fall at the 118. That was supposed to mean pumpkin spice lattes, Athena’s world-famous pumpkin pie, and the yearly tradition of getting bullied by children at the annual firehouse trick-or-treating.Instead, it was a disastrous cornucopia of Maddie’s pregnancy, the Buckley parents visiting, and a sexuality crisis for good measure.Oh, and?It was wildfire season.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan “Buck” Buckley & Christopher Diaz
Series: The things we lost in the fire [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1761262
Comments: 667
Kudos: 1224





	1. The Arrival

**Author's Note:**

> This originally had a long note about the “Ryan situation” about how what he said wasn’t okay but the racism against him and Eddie wasn’t okay either. But honestly that has been discussed to death and my views are simply: stop using what Ryan said as an excuse to be racist against Hispanic/Latinx people and characters. And he's apologized multiple times, so leave him be.
> 
> Anyway, in this house we will always love and support Eddie Diaz. That is all.

**9-1-1 Operator:**

**_9-1-1, what is your emergency?_ **

**Caller:**

**_Help! We're drowning!_ **

**9-1-1 Operator:**

_**Okay, can you tell me where you are? Are you in a pool or at the beach?** _

**Caller:**

_**No, we're not drowning in a pool...** _

_**We're drowning in shit!** _

* * *

Splat!

Buck flinched as he made contact with the sewer floor a bit too heavily. Brown sludge splashed up all the way onto the sleeve of his turnout jacket.

" _That's pleasant._ " Eddie deadpanned through the radio from somewhere above him.

"Oh yeah, it's a party down here. Get excited."

 _"Okay."_ Bobby's voice crackled through the radio. _"John, start bringing Eddie down. Chimney, Hen, how're we looking?"_

There was a slight delay, then Hen's voice crackled over the line. _"I'm down, Chimney's almost down._ "

 _"Alright, I want updates every two minutes. Stick together, pick one direction and begin searching. When you reach the end of your lines, turn back and search the other way. If nobody finds anything, we'll come back up and pick the next two manholes."_ There was a significant pause. _"Anyone who_ cuts _their line for some misguided heroics will not only be sitting out on the next month of rescues, but will probably be suspended. Depending on how pissed off I am."_

Buck grinned, hand going to his radio. "It's okay Cap. You can say 'Eddie'. We all know that's who you meant."

 _"_ You know what they say about stones and glass houses. _"_ Eddie said as he landed slightly more gracefully next to Buck. _"_ Alright Cap I'm down. _"_

_"Great. Remember that one of these boys probably has a head injury so be quick but be smart."_

"Copy that Cap."

Buck and Eddie glanced at the tunnel going in either direction, then looked at each other.

"Which way?"

"Uh... my gut says that way." Buck pointed west. 

Truthfully, they had no idea which way to go. The 9-1-1 call had been spotty at best and had disconnected before they could get an exact location. Luckily they were able to narrow it down to about a ten block radius.

Unluckily, that was _a lot_ of sewage to cover. 

The first major physical challenge presented itself when they jogged as far as they could down the tunnel. Then, abruptly, it shrunk. 

Eddie pulled a face. "I hate your gut sometimes."

"Lies. You love it," Buck quipped, getting on his hands and knees and reaching for his radio. "Hey Bobby, we've reached a narrow passage. We're going to have crawl through and we can't fit the basket. 

_"Copy that."_ Bobby's voice was faint. 

"Hope we don't lose contact." Eddie said from behind Buck as they crawled their way through the literal river of shit. "I don't want my obituary to say that I Shawshanked myself."

"Shawshanked?"

" _The_ _Shawshank Redemption_ \- 1994? Morgan Freeman? Based on a Stephen King Novel? They're in a prison?"

"Uh... no comment."

"Add it to the list," Eddie instructed, referring to the ever-growing list of _Pop-Culture-that-Buck-somehow-missed-out-on-growing-up-and-needs-to-catch-up-on._

And yes, that was the official title. It was written out at the top and everything.

"Just try not to think of all the diseases that are swimming around in here." Buck replied, grateful that they were wearing their full turnout masks. The smell was already overwhelming as it was. "Like _Cryptosporidiosis -_ did you know that's the most common water-born disease in North America? It has a protective outer shell that makes it really resistant to chlorine disinfection. And it causes a fever, cramping, diarrhea, loose or water stools-"

_"Buck."_

"Sorry, I was googling sewer diseases on the truck -"

"No, Buck, _shhh_." They both shut up and listened for the faint sounds of shouting. "Think that's them?"

"Only one way to find out."

They pressed on, crawling as quickly as they could.

Luckily, the crawl space opened up into a larger drainage area, which was where the shouting was coming from. There were two teenage boys, trapped below in about five feet of sewage water. One of them was clearly unconscious and bleeding from his head, while the other boy held him up above the water, his arms clearly straining from exhaustion.

"Help!" He called out, voice hoarse from yelling. "Oh thank god, please help!"

The conscious boy started to move toward them.

"LAFD, stay where you are." Buck shouted, waving the boy back. The tunnel he and Eddie were coming out of was at least eight feet above the bottom of the drainage area. "We'll come to you, just hang on okay?"

The boy nodded, freezing in place.

As Eddie radioed back to the team to let them know they'd located the boys, Buck wiggled his way out of the crawl space, using his line to drop down into the drainage area. He quickly pushed his way through the water (trying not to think about _Cryptosporidiosis_ ) until he reached the boys. "Here, I'm gonna take your friend okay?" He told the conscious boy, putting an arm under the unconscious boy while trying to keep him as still as possible. "Are you hurt?"

"I - I cut my leg when we fell."

Buck looked up. His headlamp caught a bunch of debris blocking where he guessed a large drainage grate used to be. Well, there was no getting out that way. Looks like they'd have to go back the way they came. 

"Okay, what's your name man?" 

"Brendan."

Buck directed Brendan back across the drainage area so that Eddie could help lift him up to the tunnel they'd come out of and do a quick assessment (and get his leg out of the disgusting water). Then Eddie was dropping down and joining Buck so that he could do a more thorough inspection of the unconscious kid (whose name was apparently Darren). 

"Definitely a head trauma. Probably not a neck or spinal injury." Eddie said as he was putting the neck brace on. "But I don't want to risk it. We need to get him to the basket quickly, and move him as little as possible."

Buck turned his attention to the ladder that led up to what used to be the drainage grate. The ladder itself was long, but there was a little extension section at the end that looked about the right length. "What about that?" He nodded over to the ladder.

"Nice. But hurry." 

Once he was sure that Eddie had a good grip on the kid, Buck hurried over to the ladder, digging through his turnout jacket pockets for a wrench. He detached the section as quickly as he could, and he and Eddie affixed Darren to it vertically. Then Buck crawled back up first, and he and Eddie (with some trial and error) managed to lift the makeshift board into the tunnel, Eddie following close behind.

It made for an awkward little procession back through the tunnel - with Brendan on point, his leg freshly wrapped, Buck keeping a watchful eye closely behind him while doing a weird sideways crawl-shuffle so that he could keep one hand on the ladder, lifting it enough that it wasn't completely dragging on the ground. And Eddie bringing up the rear, two hands on the ladder as he shuffled along on his knees.

Then, suddenly, Brendan came to an abrupt halt with a scream. Buck just barely avoided crashing into him, but lost his balance. He managed not to drop the ladder, instead flailing a little and face-planting into the four-inch deep sewer water.

Thank _god_ for protective masks.

"Sorry, sorry!" Brendan was saying as Buck righted himself. "I just - I think I saw a rat!"

"It's fine." Buck wiped the brown sludge off his mask and made a face. He turned back to Eddie, who looked like he was trying not to laugh. "Think I should tell this story at dinner tonight?"

* * *

"I can't believe this is happening already." Chimney grimaced as he tugged on his jacket collar. "I thought we would have more time."

"I mean..." Buck shrugged on his own suit jacket. "You guys have been dating for two years. And you're having a kid. How much more time were you expecting?"

They were in the locker room scrambling to get ready for The Dinner™ after their shift. Unfortunately, they'd spent the majority of the buffer time they'd planned for in the showers, trying to scrub the excrements of what felt like the entirety of West Los Angeles from their skin. Luckily they were used to things not exactly going to plan so they'd both brought their formalwear to the station in the event that something like this happened and they had to go straight to the restaurant. 

"Eighteen months." Chimney corrected, trying and failing to smooth back his hair. "And I don't know. I was kind of hoping I could get away with avoiding it until the wedding."

"What wedding?" Buck shoulder checked Chim lightly as he sidled up to him in the mirror to fix his own hair. "You still haven't proposed."

Chimney groaned. " _Yes_. I know. I was at least hoping that I wouldn't have to meet them until that happened. Because now we'll have to put up with all the comments and thinly veiled threats. And the last thing I want is for Maddie to feel pressured. We'll get married when we're ready."

"Chim, you guys are having a kid together," Buck assured him, pushing the front of his hair back and aggressively attacking the damp curls with hair gel. "Maddie's not going anywhere, I promise. But yeah... you should definitely be prepared for some comments. From my mom at least. My dad will bring the threats."

"Aren't you supposed to be on my side? Trying to make me feel better?" Chimney asked, looking betrayed.

Buck clapped him on the shoulder as he moved back to his locker to grab his tie. "My only job tonight is to be the buffer. And to kick you under the table to stop you from saying something stupid."

"I thought that was Maddie's job."

"We'll sit on either side of you. We can both do it."

"So you're saying that I should have packed shin guards." Chim muttered.

As much as Buck loved giving Chimney shit, he did have sympathy for the guy. Maddie's due date wasn't for another month and a half, and they'd all been operating under the assumption that **The Arrival** wouldn't happen until it was closer. None of them had been expecting it when his mom had called last week, saying that they were going to be in town and they should all go out to dinner to celebrate - _their treat_.

It was probably bad, but there was at least a little part of Buck that was relieved that almost all of the pressure would be on Maddie and Chimney and not on him. He and his mom were in what could potentially be called a "good place." They had been talking a little more - not every week but often enough that it could be almost a healthy relationship. He still didn't tell her everything about work, but he'd talk to her about some of the funnier calls they went on. 

And his dad was... a work in progress. If his dad was in the room when Buck was talking to his mom, he'd always make a point of asking his dad how he was doing and his dad would say "fine" and if that wasn't the stuff of Hallmark cards, Buck didn't know what was.

Chimney narrowed his eyes as he watched Buck struggling with his tie. "Wait, you're wearing a tie?"

Buck paused. "Uh, you're not?"

"I didn't bring one!" Chimney ran his hands through his hair, undoing all of his careful work. "Shit. Should I have?"

"... probably." He'd looked up the place his mom had picked last night - it was a _bougie_ Beverly Hills restaurant that they'd all probably be really uncomfortable at. "My dad always wears ties."

"Well crap."

"Here." Buck began undoing his messy knot. "You can wear mine."

Chimney rolled his eyes. "I appreciate that pal, but you're a giraffe."

Okay, that wasn't exactly _wrong_. Buck nodded in acceptance, ducking out of the locker room to call out into the station: "Yo, does someone short have a tie lying around?" He spotted John rolling a hose nearby. "John, you got a tie?"

"Fuck you man." John said as he looked up, but he came jogging over with a good-natured huff. "I think I might have one in my locker that I keep for date-night emergencies."

"Excellent, thank you!" Buck beamed at him as he watched John dig through his locker. "And, uh, I didn't mean _short_ , I just meant less tall -"

"Uh-huh." John threw his tie at Chimney and gave Buck an unimpressed look. "Next time you hit your head on the beam in the loft I'm not even going to feel bad for laughing at you."

"That's fair." Buck watched as Chimney made surprisingly short work of his tie. "Wow, how did you do that?"

"My mom always made me wear a tie to church." Chimney explained, beckoning Buck over with a crook of his finger, who was more than happy for the help. "Korean Sunday School is no joke. The Lees weren't as aggressive about it but, y'know... muscle memory. It's like riding a bike." 

"My parents never had the patience to teach me. My mom would just get frustrated and do it herself." Buck replied, watching Chim deftly do up his tie. If Chimney's hands weren't so close to his neck, he would have cracked a joke about how Chimney was on his tiptoes.

Chimney finished the knot. "Any other time I'd take the time to teach you but..." He checked his watch and swore. "Yeah we're out of time. Maddie's probably already there."

Buck winced at the thought of his heavily pregnant sister stuck at a fancy restaurant alone with their parents that she hadn't seen in years. "Okay yeah we gotta _bounce_. Wait hold on - do I still smell like shit?"

Chimney leaned in and sniffed him up and down. "Maybe a little, but I think it's okay. What about me?"

Buck knelt down a little, getting into Chimney's space and sniffing his armpits.

Of course, that's when Eddie entered the locker room.

"Okay." He said with a nod, like this was to be expected, and just walked past them to his own locker, running a hand through his own damp hair, his t-shirt clinging to his tan arms in a way that somehow made them look even more toned than normal. 

God, he was so irritatingly perfect looking all the time. It was aggravating.

Buck pulled back from Chimney with an apologetic wince. "Sorry, but you're still a little rank Dude. Oh - oh, Eddie!" He remembered, turning toward his friend excitedly. "Do you keep any of that really strong smelling cologne that you use in your locker?"

"What really strong smelling cologne?"

"You know, the really overpowering one that you wear when you don't feel like showering after a shift? The one that kinda smells like smog?"

Chimney snorted a laugh into his fist at Eddie's offended face. " _Smog?_ You're not talking about my Bulgari cologne that smells like _volcanic ash_ , are you?"

"Yeah, that's the one." Buck outstretched his hand. "Gimme."

Eddie looked like he was seriously considering throwing the cologne at Buck's head, but instead he handed it to Chimney with a long-suffering groan. "I'm only doing this because I want Maddie's parents to like you Chim and no offense - you do still smell a little rank."

"You're a good man Diaz," Chimney patted his neck with the cologne with a sigh of gratitude, then passed it to Buck. "I lied before. You do still smell like shit, Buckaroo."

Buck flipped him off as he accepted the cologne. He aggressively shook the bottle and then held the bottle out a few feet in front of him with the nozzle pointed at him. Eddie snatched his wrist, looking horrified.

"That is _not_ how you apply cologne." Eddie reprimanded, grabbing the bottle. "Were you raised in a barn?"

"You've literally been to my house." Buck protested as he watched Eddie spritz the wrist he was still holding with the _tiniest_ bit of cologne.

"Rub your wrists together, then rub your neck with it them." Instructed Eddie, settling the bottle back into his locker with care. For as much as the team liked to tease Buck for being a "pretty boy", _Eddie_ was really the one who paid far more attention to his own appearance, with his perfectly coifed hair and his skin care routine. The evidence was in the plethora of beauty products neatly organized at the base of his locker.

Buck checked his phone and swore. "Shit, now we're really late. Maddie's going to kill us."

Chim didn't need to be told twice - he was out the door in a flash, leaving Buck to have to shut his locker for him.

"Thanks Eddie, we owe you one!" Buck called over his shoulder as he raced after Chimney.

"Yeah, yeah. What else is new."

* * *

The restaurant was very _avant-garde,_ a sleek modern place that made Buck's stomach growl _immediately_ after stepping inside because he knew that the serving sizes would be absolutely tiny. At least he'd be able to share some commiserating side-eyes with Maddie, because these days she ate more than he did.

The waiter escorted them to their table, and Buck winced as he caught sight of them - all buried in their menus, not speaking. Which would be almost comical since the menus were only a single sheet of paper and they must have been sitting there for at least forty-five minutes. And from the look of the table, all they had ordered was a bottle of red wine that Maddie couldn't even partake in.

She must be _pissed_ at them.

"Hey guys, sorry we're late." Buck slid into his role of buffer, pushing down his internal groaning about how freaking uncomfortable this was all going to be. _For Maddie and Chim_ , he told himself. "We had a call that went a little long."

"Evan, Howie!" Rachel sprang up to meet them, almost comically relieved. She hugged Buck first, then gave Chimney a polite hug. "Howie, it's wonderful to finally meet you! We're so excited."

It was funny how she said _we_ because Thomas could not have been less enthused as he got up from the table. He held out his hand for Chimney to shake once Rachel had released him. "Pleased to meet you, Howard."

"Oh, please sir call me Howie. Or Chimney, if you'd like." Behind Thomas's shoulder, Buck could see Maddie press her hand to her forehead. 

"Chimney?" His mom questioned, befuddled. "Why Chimney?"

"That's... probably a story for a later time." Buck intervened, before Maddie could start banging her head on the table. Feeling bold, he stuck his own hand out toward his father. "Hi Dad, it's good to see you."

His father took his hand, with a completely unreadable expression. 

Buck imagined that (after a lifetime of believing that his son was a pain in the ass, a reckless idiot, and a liar to boot) it probably really stung at Thomas Buckley's pride to have his life saved by his wayward son. He knew that some part of his father was grateful, but doubted he would ever be able to express that verbally. 

He was pretty sure there had once been a time when his dad had actually said what he was thinking and feeling. Thomas had never been exactly _talkative_ , but he hadn't always been so closed off. Or at least, that was how Maddie told it. That must have totally changed when Buck was born, because for the life of him he couldn't remember his dad ever expressing any kind of outward affection toward him.

Hence: the handshake. Hey, at least it was more than he'd gotten when he came home that summer.

They settled around the table, and his mother took it upon herself to keep the conversation moving forward. "So what kind of call was it? Was it a fire - you both smelled like smoke."

Chimney let out a small startled laugh, and shared a look with Buck. "Um, no, Mrs. Buckley. It was a search and rescue in the sewers."

"Please call me Rachel - the sewers?" She wrinkled her nose. "You didn't have to go down there, did you?"

"I promise, we showered thoroughly." Chimney held up his hands and Buck couldn't help but laugh. Only Chimney would tell his future in-laws about crawling around in a sewer one minute into meeting them in person.

"It was these kids - one of those drainage tunnels collapsed and they fell in -" Buck started to explain, until his father cut him off.

"Do we really need to talk about this at dinner?"

And that effectively killed the conversation for the next several minutes.

Buck and Chimney scanned the menus, and Buck could see his own alarm reflected in Chimney's face. It was never a good sign when menus didn't have prices. And what the hell was a _poussin_?

"Would anyone like some wine?" His mom offered, already starting to pour some of the bottle into their glasses.

"Sorry, none for me. Thank you." Chimney shut her down politely. "I try not to drink anything in front of Maddie. Since y'know, she can't drink. Just trying to show some solidarity."

"Yeah, same for me actually." Buck admitted, which made Maddie roll her eyes.

"Guys, seriously it's fine. _Please_ go ahead." The 'please' was just a little too strained - she clearly didn't understand how any of them were supposed to survive this dinner without alcohol.

But it was too late, because now they had drawn attention to a social _faux pas_ that his mother had committed. And Rachel Buckley simply did _not_ commit _faux pas_.

"Oh." Rachel reeled back as if she had been slapped. "Oh, then I won't either. I'm so sorry, I've been so incredibly rude. Here." She moved her glass away from her spot and took her husband's glass away, causing him to huff in annoyance, before signaling to a waiter. "My daughter is pregnant, and I wasn't thinking - would you mind taking away our bottle and the glasses? Thank you-"

"Mom, it's seriously fine." Maddie was protesting even as the waiter obliged. "I'm _pregnant,_ not an alcoholic."

"No, no, I don't want to be rude."

"No, it was _rude_ when you two were drinking and I was sitting here by myself." Maddie snapped.

Aha, there it was.

The first grenade had been launched.

Buck glanced around the table with wide eyes, wondering if it would be his job to disarm it.

His mom appeared taken aback, but not entirely surprised. Buck wondered what had been said before he and Chimney had arrived. "You don't need to jump down my throat, dear." She said calmly, almost like she was talking to herself as much as Maddie. "I didn't think of it before, I was just trying to be supportive."

"Supportive?" Maddie repeated in disbelief. 

Chimney and Buck exchanged looks. Buck shook his head slightly. 

This wasn't going to be pretty.

"Where was that _support_ when I was putting myself through nursing school?" She demanded. "You had money set aside for me to attend medical school, but when I decided I didn't want to be a doctor suddenly it was so important that I 'do this on my own'?"

"We wanted you to be _independent_ , sweetie -"

"You wanted me to change my mind." Maddie ground out, clearly furious. "You were trying to force me into being a doctor. You told me that a nursing degree wouldn't get me anywhere."

"It's not like you're even using it now." Their dad pointed out with his rare but _always_ helpful commentary.

"I do use it!" She protested. 

"Maddie, we're just saying that maybe if you _had_ gone to medical school, maybe you would've been a little more independent, and wouldn't have needed to rely on Doug -"

Maddie pushed back her chair. "You know what, no. I don't need to sit through this. You want to be part of your granddaughter's life so badly? _You_ need to make an effort. And that doesn't mean ambushing me with a last-second trip to see me, and forcing me to sit at a fancy restaurant that I _hate._ I'm done doing things on your terms. _I_ put myself through school. _I_ got myself out of my marriage. _I_ built this life for myself. And if you want to be part of it, then we're going to do things my way."

She stood up, marching out of the restaurant.

Chimney quickly stood up. "Uh, it was great to meet you both, but I've got to -" He made to follow after Maddie, shooting Buck a pleading look that seemed to indicate he needed Buck to do damage control.

Buck nearly threw up his hands. The only person worse at keeping their cool around his parents than him was apparently Maddie.

His mom was already crying. His dad reached for her, but she pulled away, standing up as well. "I'll be in the bathroom - I need a minute." She rushed away, probably appalled and embarrassed at the scene they had all just caused in this expensive restaurant.

Ah, the Buckleys. They really put the fun in dysfunctional, didn't they?

"You need to talk to your sister."

Speaking of 'dysfunctional'... Buck turned his attention to his dad in disbelief. _Oh_. They were speaking now?

"Yeah?" He challenged. "What about?"

"Your mother doesn't deserve to be spoken to like that." His dad said with conviction - the same sort of conviction he'd always had when he was defending his wife. "Especially not at a meal at a nice restaurant that _we're_ paying for."

Buck laughed. "You really don't get it, do you? We don't care about your money. Especially not when you use it like this as like a - shield, or a weapon or something. You think Maddie or I would have picked this place? That we don't realize that you picked it so that we'd be trapped into staying civil - or so that you could show off to Chimney and make him feel uncomfortable meeting you guys for the first time?”

Now his dad was pinning him with an icy glare that Buck knew meant he was formulating some devastating counter-attack. So much for damage control. It had been so long since Buck fought with his dad, he'd forgotten how _good_ it felt to get under his skin. 

Because if his dad was arguing with him, it meant that he wasn't ignoring or dismissing him.

"I don't remember you not 'caring about our money' when you went off to college." Thomas replied with almost a smirk. "Or was the 'not caring' part when you spent the whole year partying, nearly flunked out, and then dropped out and flushed fourteen thousand dollars down the toilet?"

Buck's face was hot with anger and embarrassment. Nearly flunked out was an exaggeration - he had gotten mostly B's and one C. He could have kept going if he wanted to, but he just hadn't seen the point. He'd liked college better than high school, but he'd been young and excited and he wanted to explore the world. He'd told himself he could always go back if he wanted to. He just never had.

Sometimes, he wished he had a degree to wave in people's faces when they called him stupid. But... that wasn't a good enough reason to spend tens of thousands of dollars that he didn't exactly have lying around. Buck didn't even know what he would study. 

Still... it rankled him to hear his father say he'd flushed that money down the toilet. Maybe he didn't use everything that he learned in his required critical writing class all the time, but his physics and psychology classes ended up being more useful than he ever would have thought. Buck wasn't sure if he would've passed his academy exam the first time without that physics class, to be honest.

Those were _his_ credits. Except they weren't, because they'd been bought and paid for by his parents. 

Fueled by rage (and next-to-no thinking), Buck pulled out his wallet and dug out the stack of checks that he kept in the large pocket. "You know what? I'm tired of hearing this." Because they'd had the same damn argument when he came back for Maddie's wedding, and undoubtedly this would've come up over the summer if his dad hadn't been struck literally mute by a stroke. "Consider this a down payment." He slid the check across the table, reveling with satisfaction as he saw his dad's eyes widen minutely at the amount: five thousand dollars. 

It was the most he could afford - probably _more_ than he could afford, if he was being honest. But with Chim's paternity leave coming up, there would be plenty of overtime opportunities available. 

Still, Buck would be hurting financially for a while. Especially since he'd now committed to the remaining nine grand. 

But... _shit_. It was worth it to see the look on his father's face.

Buck put away his wallet, feeling pleased with himself. "I'll mail you the rest to Doylestown when I have it. Enjoy the remainder of your trip."

"Unless you're planning on giving away your money to Mr. and Mrs. Mandberg, that's probably not a wise move."

He looked up, confused. "Who the hell are the Mandbergs?"

His dad still had refused to take the check. He was just letting it sit there, almost daring Buck to take it back.

"The people we sold the house to."

Buck couldn't help it. His jaw fell open. "You... _what?_ You guys moved? Why? When? _Where?_ "

"I retired two months ago and we decided it was time for a change. We haven't moved yet, we still have the house for another month. As for _where_..." Thomas gave him another inscrutable look. "Your mother thinks we should move here."

He could've hit Buck over the head with a frying pan, and Buck would've been less shocked.

His _parents_.

Living _here_.

In Los Angeles.

Images of tectonic plates crushing together and planets colliding flashed in Buck's head.

_No, no, no, no, no._

His parents couldn't live here. They were supposed to stay in their Pennsylvania-shaped box. Or go, _literally_ , anywhere else.

Los Angeles was _his_. This was his home. The first place he'd felt like he'd been able to breathe, where he'd finally broken free of the hands that had encircled his throat. 

"Tell her no." Because Buck _knew_ , without having to be told, that there was no way his dad would want this either. He wouldn't have spent his entire fatherhood trying to distance himself from his kids just to try to get close to them as adults. This was all driven by his mother and her therapy and her need to try to repair their broken family. And Buck was willing to try with her, to take baby steps toward having a normal relationship.

But this? They couldn't have this.

"She's already found a house."

"I don't _care_. I don't want you guys here. I know Maddie won't want you guys here. _You_ don't want to be here. It's too much. We'll tear each other apart."

Buck stood up, and stubbornly pushed the check closer to his dad. "When you guys have your new address, _your non-LA address_ , give it to me so I can send you the rest. I meant what I said. I don't want to owe you anything."

And he left his father sitting alone, just as the waiter came up to the table to _finally_ take their order.

Ah well. The portion sizes looked tiny anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:
> 
> Very vague mentions of past strangulation. Super vague. You might blink and miss them.  
> Difficult relationship with parents.


	2. Angel in the marble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Remember the random room inspections?"
> 
> "Oh _God_. Don't remind me."
> 
>  _"Okay, but we're all adults here_. So we can just set some boundaries."
> 
> "Exactly. And that boundary is the California state line."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is your friendly reminder that this is a SLOW BURN. Please remember that before you hunt me down after reading this chapter.

_"So I know that usually this is the job of the father of the bride, but you all know how Thomas is with public speaking..."_

_A ripple of laughter erupted up, filling the walls of the brownstone barn. It was an open, airy venue but Buck still felt stifled, fiddling with his dress shirt sleeves, his suit jacket long ago abandoned._

_"Anyway," His mom said, shooting Doug and Maddie a million dollar smile. "I just wanted to say a few words about my brilliant, beautiful daughter and her wonderful new husband. I can remember when I first met Doug - I told Thomas,'this is the one we've been waiting for' -"_

_"She's so full of shit."_

_Buck looked over, startled to see Maddie leaning his way across from the seat that had been left vacant by their mom. He scooted a little closer so she wouldn't have to lean so far._

_"You know she told me this morning when she was helping me get ready?" Maddie asked him, looking furious. "She said 'well it's too late to call off the wedding, but you can always get it quietly annulled and it will only be mildly humiliating'."_

_Buck whistled between his teeth. He knew his parents weren't team Doug - and hey, it's not like he was either - but what was the point of saying that to Maddie if his mom wasn't trying to get her to call off the wedding. "She just wants to be able to say 'I told you so' if it doesn't work out." He mused._

_Maddie rolled her eyes. "Got it in one, Ev - Buck."_

_He grinned at the use of his nickname. It was weird to come back here and have everyone call him 'Evan', after not hearing anyone call him that in person for the past few years. Maddie was the only one in their family who actually listened to his insistence that he went by 'Buck' now. She still slipped up occasionally, but he appreciated the effort._

_Doug tugged on Maddie's elbow, shooting Buck an annoyed look. Buck had to push down the part of him that sided with his mom as Doug pulled Maddie close to him. She looked happy, he reminded himself, seeing how she tucked herself easily into her new husband's arm. Maybe what he was seeing as being possessive was just affection._

_Hell, it wasn't like he had any idea what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like._

_"To the happy bride and groom!" His mom toasted, and well Buck could get behind that. He downed his glass of champagne, which was his fourth? Maybe his fifth of the night? He was starting to lose track._

_Maddie stood up to hug their mom as she came to sit down. If their embrace was a little shorter than the moment called for, Buck figured no one else probably noticed._

_Soon, the ballroom had dissolved into couples dancing. It was all a little too old school and cheesy, the kind of shit that boomers of his parent's generation liked. The music, much like the rest of the wedding, clearly hadn't been Maddie and Doug's choice. This whole thing was a big show from his parents to show up Doug's rich dad, who had committed the cardinal sin of offering to pay for the wedding._

_Which Rachel Buckley had taken as a personal offense to her character, their family, and the graves of their ancestors. So this wedding was meant to be proof that they were just as well-off and capable of throwing a high-class wedding as the world-renowned Dr. Anthony Kendall._

_And apparently, Buck didn't fit in with that high-class image because his mom had tried to coach him on how he was allowed to behave, and what he was allowed to say._

_Don't talk about any of your low-class jobs, don't talk about running off to Brazil, if anyone asks about school just tell them you're taking a bit of time off._

_He'd nodded along obediently, pretended like he was paying attention._

_And then proceeded to throw all of it into a mental garbage can._

_He was here for one reason and one reason alone: because Maddie had begged him to come. Their parents could fuck all the way off, as far as Buck was concerned._

_"So there I was," Buck gestured broadly as he regaled the younger half of the bridal party that was currently hanging out at their table. "Just minding my post and then I saw it - a fin sticking out of the water."_

_There was a sharp gasp next to him from Gina, Doug's hot cousin. Buck puffed his chest a little, knowing that he had their attention._

_"So I_ sprinted _down the beach, shouting out 'Shark, shark!'" And everyone ran out of the ocean except this one girl who apparently had some waterproof headphones in - which, I didn't even realize they_ made _those. But she was just floating out, fifty feet from the shark. So I dived into the water and swam out to her. She freaked out when she saw the shark but I kept her calm and ended up pushing her on her float. And the shark followed us nearly all the way to shore, but we got out just in time. Saved her life."_

_He neglected to mention the key part of the story - which is that afterward, it had been pointed out to him that the "shark" didn't have a notch on its fin and was most likely a dolphin._

_But, eh. The story was cooler this way._

_"Evan!" His mom chastised, tugging on his sleeve that he'd rolled up to his forearms- he hadn't even realized that she'd come back to the table._

_She looked scandalized._ _It took Buck a moment to realize the cause - the tattoo on his left forearm. It was a Michelangelo quote that he'd read once in high school art history._ _He wasn't sure why, but it had stuck with him. And so, a few years back, when one of his roommates had offered them a chance to get discounted tattoos from one of his buddies, he'd thought "why the hell not."_

_Since then, he'd gotten more than a few tattoos. This one was the only one that was visible at the moment though._

_At the_ moment _._

_Buck made eye contact with his mom, rolling up his right sleeve above his elbow so that the two lines encircling his right arm were fully in view. "Something wrong mom?" He asked her with a wide, innocent grin, but his eyes were cold and flat._

_She glared back at him. But really, what was she going to do? Send him to his room?_

_"Man, it's hot in here." He said breezily, turning his attention back to Gina, who gave him a beaming smile back in return, like a flower opening up to the sun. She was pretty, with gorgeous dark curls and cute dimples, only a couple years younger than him, and apparently super smart - she was pre-med at the University of Chicago._

_She was also, according to Maddie, more than a little sheltered and he was under no circumstances_ _("_ _And I mean_ no _circumstances, Evan!" ) allowed to sleep with her._

_But man. The signals she was giving him._

_"It really is." Gina agreed, batting her eyes at him. "Do you want to get some air?"_

_He was beginning to wonder if her sheltered persona was just a front._

_Nope, he promised Maddie._ _No sleeping with Doug's baby cousin who was apparently like a sister to him and he was super-protective over. Not that he gave a shit about Doug or what he thought, but he didn't want to give him a reason to give Maddie any shit._

_"How bout I go get us some more drinks?" Buck compromised, and Gina pouted, but nodded. He sprang up, ignoring the loud beleaguered sigh his mother made when his chair scraped across the floor._

_Buck bounded across the dance floor, also ignoring the judgemental glares of the stuffy middle-aged guests from all around. He made his way through the hallway toward the bar room, taking advantage of the open-bar to order two glasses of the nicest champagne they had._

_He was on his way back to the main ballroom when he heard them._

_"Did you see Maddie's little brother?" The hushed whispers from around the corner caught his attention and Buck stumbled to a halt, drink spilling a bit on the carpet. "Jesus Christ_ _he got hot."_

_"Ew, Kendall, what is he like twenty? He was just a little kid when we were graduating high school!"_

_"Well, he's not anymore." Buck peeked around the corner to one of the side rooms and vaguely recognized the girls as two of Maddie's childhood friends. "That boy_ fucks _. You can tell."_

 _"Didn't his uncle abuse him or something?" The second girl asked casually, like it was no big deal. "I heard he got really control in high school after his uncle almost killed him. Started partying and sleeping with everyone with a pulse. Apparently he dropped out of_ _fucking_ Slippery Rock _after one year._ "

 _"So..." Kendall drawled around her twisty straw. "You're saying I should..._ not _try to sleep with him?"_

_"That's exactly what I'm saying. That kid's a mess. Plus, Maddie would hate you."_

_"Like Maddie and I are even still friends anyway. You know her mom made her invite us."_

_"What is this, middle school?"_

_The two girls laughed and Buck turned away, his face burning._

_Well fuck them. Like he'd be interested in them anyway._

_He had better prospects._

_Buck headed back to the ballroom but stopped in the doorway. He waited patiently for Gina to look his way. Her face brightened when she saw him and she waved him over. He shook his head, nodding toward the hallway (where there was a convenient coat closet right there), then winked at her._

_Gina caught his drift. Soon enough she was there, pulling him into the coat closet, her mouth on his, unbuttoning his shirt._

_"Finally." She gasped out as he was unzipping her dress. "Been waiting for you to make a move all night."_

_"I was trying to be good." He told her with a cocky smirk that said just the opposite. "Maddie said you were a prude. But you're not, are you?"_

_Gina's hands went to his belt. "Guess you're about to find out."_

* * *

"You've got to be shitting me."

Maddie's voice rang through clearly across their Facetime connection, and her disgust was evident even on the tiny screen.

Buck pulled a face, shutting the door to his loft. "Trust me, I wish I was."

"Move _here_. They want to move here. _Here?"_

"Unless you know another Los Angeles."

"Ugh. I can't believe her. Ten years - I lived in Hershey for _ten years,_ and she visited me maybe five times? I was four hours away!"

"Not to mention that we barely saw her when we all lived in the same house." Buck pointed out.

"Right. And now suddenly she wants to move here and have us all pretend to be some close happy family?" Maddie shook her head, burying her face in the pillow she always had in her lap when she was sitting down. " _Ugh_."

 _"Not to be the devil's advocate here, but_..." Chimney's voice sounded from off-screen. _"If you guys barely saw them when you were all living close together, what makes you think it'll be any different if they move here?"_

"Because," Maddie lifted her head off the pillow, turning her attention to her left, where Chimney was presumably standing. "It's not about how often we'll see them, it's about _how_ we'll see them. Those times they showed up in Hershey? Completely random, unannounced! Just an excuse for my mom to come and judge my life and catch me in the act of being a complete mess."

"Remember the random room inspections?" Buck recalled, cringing at the memory of the time his mom had found a molding bag of cheez-its under his mattress that he'd snuck in there one night and then forgotten.

Of course, that hadn't been nearly as bad as the time she'd gone through his trash and found the used condoms.

Speaking of... his phone dinged with an incoming message:

_U up?_

"Oh _God_. Don't remind me."

 _"Okay, but we're all adults here_." Chimney said, like he was trying to remind them. He poked his head around the corner. "So we can just set some boundaries."

"Exactly. And that boundary is the California state line." Maddie rolled her eyes, and Buck nodded along as he replied to his message:

_I'm always "up" for you._

"Howie, I'm serious." Maddie was saying. "They can't live here. God - I don't even - I wonder what made her think this was a good idea. Or which one of her friends said something snarky about her kids hating her that made her decide she needed to prove something."

Buck hesitated. "I mean - she _is_ in therapy." He spoke slowly, not wanting to give Maddie the impression that he was on their mom's side over hers. "I know that she really regrets us not having a better relationship with her, and she's been trying."

He had to be careful, because while he might be in a place where he was willing to try to work with his mom and understand her better, he respected that Maddie wasn't there yet. "Maybe this is something that she decided in therapy. Like she thinks it'll be easier for us all to reconnect if they're nearby."

"But that shouldn't be up to her." Maddie insisted, relaxing slightly as Chimney massaged her shoulders. "She shouldn't be looking for houses here before _asking_ us. She didn't ask you, did she?"

"No, I would've told you!"

"Okay, just checking. I know you talk to her more than I do these days."

"Yeah about her book club and the latest episodes of _Top Chef_. Trust me, this didn't come up." Buck opened the fridge and grabbed a beer.

Maddie squinted at him. "Are you drinking alone?"

"Uh." He looked down at his phone, at the latest message that was just a 'thumbs up' emoji - indication that Jess would be here in less than twenty minutes. "I have company coming over in a bit actually."

"Seriously Buck? It's after eleven o'clock on a Thursday."

"Hey, you were the one who was giving me shit for being 'tragically single'." Buck sniped back, removing the cap on the bottle. "You're not allowed to judge me for being celibate and then turn around and judge me for having a girl over. It's not fair."

" _Okay_ ," Chimney rested his head on top of Maddie's head. They were so obnoxiously cute. "Congratulations on no longer being a loser. Is this the same girl you had plans with last week?"

"Yeah, but we're not dating. It's just casual." Buck explained. "So don't go asking to meet her. We're not there."

"Yet?" Maddie prompted.

"Sure, yeah." He agreed, not really wanting to get into the specifics of the friends with benefits situation he'd fallen into with Jess, who he'd met through Tinder like a month and a half ago. There were some things that just didn't need to be shared with one's sister.

Not that he didn't like Jess. Actually, he really did - Jess was fun, they sometimes drank beer or played video games before hooking up. It reminded him of the regular hookups he'd had back in his one year of college. No pressure, no judgement. Just sex.

And man, the sex was _good._

"Well, then we're going to let you go and get ready for your _lady friend_." Teased Maddie, which made Chim laugh. "But call me tomorrow okay? We need to get ahead of this, or before we know it they'll be moving into the apartment right next door to this one."

Buck shuddered. "Trust me, no one wants that. Talk to you later."

Jess ended up beating her usual time and arriving at 11:37. Tonight, there was no video games. Usually there wasn't when it was this late. Instead she basically pounced on him at the door, and they didn't make it up the stairs to his bed, instead stumbling over to his couch.

He ended up with her in his lap, eyes fluttering closed as he lost himself in the sensation of her hands running through his hair, scraping at his scalp. She shifted so that she was straddling him and Buck moved a hand away from her back to brace himself against the couch, his fingernails digging into the supple leather

 _\- scratching at it, clawing, trying to get away,_ _pull himself away -_

"Buck?"

 _\- blind with panic,_ _leather scent prickling at his nostrils, choking him,_ _he can't lift his head,_ _can't breathe,_ _can't scream -_

"Woah, you okay?"

Buck opened his eyes to see Jess sitting back on her thighs. 

"Where'd you go?" She asked, sounding mostly amused but there was a thin tremor of alarm in her voice.

Shit.

"Nowhere." Buck gave her a wide grin, shoving whatever the fuck _that_ was down into the darkest corner of his brain. "I was just thinking - we've never tried out my kitchen table before."

Jess arched her eyebrow in interest.

* * *

Afterward, Jess laughed as she peeled her sweaty back from the wood surface, still riding that post-orgasm high. "Shit. I'm surprised we didn't break it. Like that scene in _Luke Cage_."

"Haven't seen it." 

Jess smacked him playfully on his chest, moving past him to hop off onto the floor and grab her jeans. "The Netflix Marvel shows are _great -_ except _Iron Fist,_ obviously. You should watch it."

"We could watch it now," Buck offered, seeing the tell-tale signs of her preparing to go. "I don't have a shift tomorrow."

"No, I've got to get up early." Jess shimmied into her jeans, then gave him a playful look. "Y'know, you don't need to do that every time."

"Do what?"

"The invite. The 'good guy' move. I mean, we both know what this is. You don't need to offer me a drink or for me to stay the night so that you look less like a fuckboy. Because obviously I'm totally down with that."

She wasn't the only one still riding a high. "You really think I'm a fuckboy?" Buck smirked, but a little confused because... did he really come off like that? Still? 

"Oh yeah..." Jess bit her lip, cocking her head at him like she was evaluating him. "Hundred percent."

And Buck did think about protesting, but then she was kissing him like _that_ and his hand just went straight to her ass of its own volition, he didn't have any control over that, okay? 

She pulled back and smirked. "Yeah that's what I thought."

Then just _left him there_ , like that.

Buck gaped after her, aghast. "Now who's the fuckboy?" He called, and he could hear her cackling on her way out.

The sound faded, and then the apartment was silent again. 

The emptiness of it made Buck's skin itch and he could feel his body start to tense up again in a way that _always_ ended with him bolting upright and screaming his head off at like five in the morning. 

Fuck it. He walked over to the living area (opting to sit on the coffee table instead of the couch), grabbed the remote, and navigated to the Netflix menu. _Luke Cage_ it was. 

* * *

For all the years Buck had lived in Los Angeles, he'd never been inside Griffith Park Observatory. 

Sure, he'd ran past it a million times. After his roommate situation in Inglewood fell through, he found a house in East Hollywood that had been "home" until he moved into Abby's place. He'd been a replacement for their college buddy that moved out so he wasn't exactly friends with them - at the time he'd been too busy training for BUDs, and then not long after that at the Fire Academy, and there really hadn't been time to bond.

He'd lowkey kind of hated living with them actually - they were slobs, which was part of the reason why he never had girls over, preferring to hookup with them outside the house. And it was annoying to come off of a twenty-four hour shift to a house full of screaming man-children.

But he'd been able to save up enough money to wait out until he got a pay bump after his probationary period. And the location was fantastic, essentially Los Feliz with an East Hollywood rent price. He'd been in jogging distance to the Griffith Observatory trailhead, and used that to get into shape for BUDs. 

It was maybe cliche, and there were way too many tourists, but Buck had enjoyed the visual reminders of how far away he was from home, the way that he could turn in one direction and see the Hollywood Sign right there, and turn back the other way to see the beach (on non-smoggy days).

This was his first time inside the actual Observatory though.

"Dad, Dad!" Christopher was grabbing Eddie's attention, pointing at the array of planets displayed above them. "What's your favorite planet?"

"Oh, Pluto, definitely."

"Pluto isn't a planet, Dad. It's a dwarf Planet." Christopher corrected him, ever the know-it-all. 

"A dwarf _planet_ , meaning it's still a planet." Eddie argued with a twinkle in his eyes, turning back to look at Buck who was bringing up the rear. "Right Buck?"

Buck clicked his tongue. " _Actually_ , Chris is right." He winked at Christopher, who giggled. "Originally it was classified as a planet, but then they discovered a bunch of other objects in the same belt that were the same size or bigger than Pluto. So they separated the classifications of planets from dwarf planets."

Christopher grinned at him and Eddie rolled his eyes and it was definitely worth the two and a half hours that Buck had spent memorizing facts about planets in preparation for this outing. He wasn't sure who he liked impressing more, Eddie or Christopher.

"Nerd. Fine, then I guess I'll pick... Mars." Eddie decided.

"The god of war? You would. I like Neptune, the rings are cool. What about you Chris?"

Christopher, who had clearly been _bursting_ to reveal his pick, practically shouted: "Jupiter! Because it's big and it has a spot!"

"Good choice." Eddie ruffled Chris's hair, not noticing the busybody _Karen_ who had turned around sharpy at Christopher's shout and was giving them an eagle-eyed glare. Like she was expecting Eddie to reprimand him for being too loud.

Buck noticed her though and gave her a challenging stare in return.

Oh, so what if Christopher wasn't exactly using his indoor voice? Buck had spent his entire childhood being told to quiet down. He wasn't about to let this random lady make Chris feel self-conscious in any way. 

"Do you know why it has a spot?" Buck asked, raising his voice so that he was almost matching Christopher's volume.

"It's a storm!"

The _Karen_ huffed, turning on her heel as she stomped away. Perfect. Hopefully she'd left before Eddie could notice her. Buck knew how sensitive he was to anything he perceived as negative attention toward Christopher. The last thing they needed was Eddie ending up in a showdown with the woman like two irate moms at a bake sale.

Not that it wouldn't be _hilarious_. Or that Buck wouldn't record and play it back later for Hen and Chimney. 

* * *

By the time that they were done with all the exhibits and the planetarium, the sun was low in the sky, but still impossibly bright. They ended up grabbing lemonades and hanging outside on the Observation Deck in order to watch the sunset.

"It is _hot_." Buck proclaimed, sliding off his button-up shirt and gratefully receiving the tube of sunscreen that Eddie offered him. "What is it, 95? It's almost Halloween. This is crazy."

"This is definitely the hottest fall I've seen since I've been out here," agreed Eddie, his lips quirking with amusement as Christopher guzzled down his drink. "I keep forgetting I'm not back in El Paso."

"Makes me kind of nervous, you know?" Buck cast a gaze at the brown, dry grass of the Hollywood hills. "We got so much rain last winter, but it's all dried out now."

"Mrs. Fincher says that's how fires start!" Christopher piped up, surprising them both. 

Eddie laughed. "Mrs. Fincher is a smart lady. His science teacher," He explained to Buck, in case it wasn't obvious.

"That's why we've got to always make sure we put out campfires." Christopher told them seriously. 

"Yeah, if everyone put out their campfires properly, the world would be a much better place." Buck agreed, stretching his arms across the table so that he could drum his fingers against the wood of the umbrella.

Small, sticky fingers tugged insistently on his left arm and Buck let himself be pulled, quirking his lip in amusement as he watched Christopher reading the curvy script on his arm. "Whatcha doing, buddy?"

 _"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free."_ Christopher sounded out slowly, looking up at Buck, his eyebrows furrowed. "What does it mean?"

"Oh." Buck shrugged, feeling weirdly embarrassed. "It's a quote from Michelangelo. Do you know who Michelangelo is?"

"The ninja turtle?"

"Good guess, but I mean the other one. He was a sculptor."

Christopher still looked confused. "So what does it mean?" He repeated.

"Uh..." Eddie was now looking at him with a genuinely curious expression and Buck felt caught off-guard. He'd never really had to explain that tattoo before, always just shrugged it off with a _"I thought it would look cool_. _"_ For whatever reason though, he found himself attempting to explain it.

"I always took it to mean, like, Michelangelo would look at a block of marble, right? And everyone else would see it, and just see it as a block of stone. Nothing special. But Michelangelo was different. _He'd_ look at it and see an angel, just waiting to be carved out of it. So he'd carve away at it until he freed the angel. And I always kind of thought that people are like that, right? Like some people might look at someone and just see a plain block of stone. But sometimes it takes that right person, that Michelangelo, to see the angel in there."

Christopher nodded, his attention rapt. Buck wasn't really sure if he was totally following along, but then Chris surprised him. "Carla says we're all works in progress." He said wisely.

"Yeah exactly." Buck agreed, and Eddie cleared his throat. He'd been weirdly quiet during Buck's whole spiel, but Buck had felt his gaze the entire time, burning hot in a way that made his skin itch - not unlike the way it had when he was alone in his apartment the night before. 

But also, totally different.

"I'm going to run to the bathroom, does anyone want another drink?"

"Lemonade please!" Christopher chirped and Buck nodded his head in agreement.

"You each can have _half_ a cup of Lemonade, and then you have to drink a bottle of water." Eddie lectured. "We don't need anyone getting dehydrated out here."

"Okay Dad." Buck teased him, sticking his tongue out at Eddie as his friend shook his head and retreated to the building. He watched him go, the warm side-light of the setting sun falling on him in a way that was just downright unfair. 

"Buck?" Christopher asked him seriously.

"Yeah buddy?"

"Would you rather have tentacles for arms or for legs?"

Oh damn. That was a good question.

"Uh, how many tentacles are we talking here? One for each limb, or like _eight_ for each limb?"

Christopher thought about it for a long moment. "Eight." He decided.

"Yeesh. Can I still grab things with the tentacles?"

The sun was starting to set and the temperature was falling. But the warmth that wrapped around Buck like a blanket remained.

He wished that he could always feel like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
> Mentioned past childhood abuse  
> Vague (and very short) flashback of past childhood sexual assault  
> Two separate scenes of implied (PG-13) heterosexual sex
> 
> For my metric friends: 95 Fahrenheit is 35 Celsius. Aka way too hot for late October even in Los Angeles, where we don't know what to do with ourselves if the temperature is anything other than 70-80 (approximately 21-27 Celsius)
> 
> I... sincerely apologize for the amount of heterosexual sex in this chapter. I know that's not what y'all are here for. But please, bear with me. Just trying to stay true to the character, and the character's journey (which, remember, is not always totally linear). There's a plan here, I promise.
> 
> Also, did I take a tattoo that apparently the actor regrets and has never been referenced in the show and make it a character choice?  
> Yep. I did.
> 
> Another note (last one I promise)  
> For those of you who are not up to date on the latest English/American slang, a "Karen" is a middle-aged white woman (usually racist/homophobic/ableist/transphobic but of course doesn't think of herself that way), who gets into other people's business and thinks the world revolves around her convenience. Think also "I'd like to speak to your manager". This has NOTHING to do with Karen Wilson, the actual character on the show, who is the furthest thing from a "Karen", and whom I genuinely adore.
> 
> https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Karen


	3. Drawn and quartered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “When I asked you to build the swing for me, I didn’t realize it would take you all day. I thought bringing a friend to help would hurry it along, but you are two chatty Cathies aren’t you?”
> 
> “ _Peppa..._ Why do I bother helping her out when all she does is give me shit for it?”
> 
> “Because you’re the best,” Buck said like it was nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get in clowns, we're going angsting.
> 
> Specific TWs at the end of the chapter

Buck had to admit, the house was nice.

It was the kind of place that basically no one in his generation could afford in LA. It wasn’t an “LA rich” house, but it was definitely “LA upper-middle class” and he had to admit to being surprised. He hadn’t realized that his parents were doing that well for themselves. Maybe they’d been able to sell the Pennsylvania house at a good price?

He’d lived in that house for his entire childhood, but he knew that Maddie hadn’t. She’d spent the first half of her childhood in a smaller house while their parents saved to be able to afford the one that he had grown up in. It had all been part of their carefully constructed plan. The perfect jobs, the perfect daughter, and then finally the perfect house.

And then along came Buck.

He’s never been able to bring himself to ask why they went through with the pregnancy. Buck’s pretty sure that they only did it because abortions back then were more taboo than they were now - he was also fairly certain that if he’d been born now… well, he wouldn’t have been born.

As it was, they went through with it. His dad had to give up his job as a professor to work as a marketplace analyst, but money was still tight. For most of Buck’s childhood they had been “house poor”, with his parents both having to put in insane overtime hours just to keep the mortgage payments. Then, sometime around the time Maddie decided not to go to medical school, and his dad got a big promotion at work, things changed. The fridge was never sparse, Lunchables were replaced by fresh ‘organic’ fruit, the bottom of the Christmas tree was filled with presents. 

His parents still worked overtime. Buck wasn’t sure if it was just habit at that point, or if they were happier at work than they were at home.

So he knew that they’d managed to accumulate a fair amount of wealth over the years. But still, Buck doubted they’d be able to comfortably afford this house. After how much his parents had complained about it when he’d been growing up, he was surprised they’d really want to be“house poor” again.

“This is my favorite part,” Rachel was saying as she stepped out through the sliding french doors onto the patio garden. It was tiny compared to their yard back in Pennsylvania, but for LA it was a good size (then again, anything bigger than a balcony was a status symbol in LA). “Just imagine this at night time, with a bunch of string lights and the fireplace going. Everyone drinking wine and listening to music.”

Buck could imagine it pretty easily, he’d been to enough parties at Bobby and Athena’s. The Grant-Nash house had the benefit of being relatively secluded from their neighbors. This place, however… “You don’t think you’d get some noise complaints from the neighbors?” He asked, nodding over to the house next door that was much, much closer than he knew his mother was used to.

Rachel waved him off. “Oh, we’ll befriend them and invite them,” she said, like it was a done deal. Fair enough, she was enough of a people person to probably pull that off. “And look, there’s even a small grass area. Maybe we could finally get a dog.”

Oh for the love of… “A _dog?”_ Buck repeated in disbelief, watching as his mother breezed around the patio, inspecting the stone fireplace with a practiced hand. 

“You always wanted one when you were a kid, don’t you remember?”

Of course he did. About a year after Maddie went away to college, Buck had spent _weeks_ using his precious computer time at home and at school to research dog breeds and rescue groups. He had a whole saved document that detailed exactly how many times a day he would take the dog out to go to the bathroom, and his plan to do chores in exchange for vet bills. He even had a dog picked out from the Pennsylvania Golden Retriever rescue - her name had been _Harper,_ he recalled. 

All of his hard work and careful planning had gone out the window when his dad had caught him working on his dog plan when he was supposed to be writing an art history paper on Vincent Van Gogh’s _Starry Night._ And his dad had told him in no uncertain terms that the day he would trust him with a dog would be the day when hell froze over.

So yeah. Maybe he was a little bitter.

Buck tried to swallow it. He was here on a mission. That’s why he had agreed to ‘just come and see the house’ when his mom had called him yesterday.

“Not really sure if there’s enough room for a dog.” Buck changed tactics. “You could probably get a house with a patio like this and an _actual_ yard for like half the price somewhere that’s not LA. Don’t you think you’ll get cramped here?”

“Oh no, I think this is more than enough room for just your father and I. And for you and your sister to come visit whenever you’d like.” 

There really wouldn’t be any skirting around the issue. “Mom, don’t you think that this is just a little… too close?”

Rachel paused in her inspections. She turned to him with betrayed eyes, like she couldn’t possibly understand where he was coming from. “What are you talking about? It took you nearly an hour to get here from your apartment.”

“Just because I had to fight against traffic - and Chimney and Maddie’s place is even closer.” Buck struggled to stop himself from folding his arms. He didn’t want to project any hostility, didn’t want to provoke his mother into an argument that would make the neighbors - and the realtor, who had gone upstairs to let them explore the house on their own - uncomfortable. 

His mom’s lips thinned. “And what’s wrong with a mother wanting to be closer to her children?”

Oof, she was really going to play that card, huh?

“I’m not saying there’s anything _wrong_ with that.” Buck held up a hand, trying to think of how to word this without putting his foot in his mouth like he usually did and fucking up the situation even worse. “I just - it’s kind of a big jump to go from occasional FaceTime calls about cooking shows to you suddenly living in Manhattan beach.”

And for Maddie, who barely spoke to their parents, it would be an even greater leap.

“Maybe that’s what we all need.” Rachel insisted stubbornly, folding _her_ arms. “Something to force us all to come together. Be a family again.”

It was the ‘again’ that set him off. “We couldn’t do that when we all lived in the same house, what makes you think being in the same city will fix that?” Buck didn’t quite snap at her… but it was close.

To her credit, his mom actually kept her temper in check. “Because I’m different.” She insisted, stepping forward with an earnest expression. “When you and Maddie were growing up I wasn’t - I wasn’t my best self. I wasn’t cut out to be a mother.” 

She said it with a clear frankness that was honestly impressive. Buck knew he wouldn’t be capable of that kind of devastating self-awareness without tears getting involved.

“But I am now. I’ve been working on myself. All I want is my kids. I just need - ” And here she finally faltered, her hands shaking a bit as she reached out blindly at nothing. “I just need a _chance._ ”

“I thought that’s what we were doing. With the phone calls.”

“ _You_ are.” Rachel agreed, giving him a tremulous smile. “And Evan, I’m so grateful. I know that maybe our calls might seems silly to you, but they’re always the highlight of my week.”

And… fuck. 

He’d always been weak for that kind of verbal affirmation. Hearing it coming from _her_ , the person he’d always craved it from as a child, only for it to rarely ever be received…

“I’d call you more often, but I know how busy you are and I know you need your space.” She gestured around vaguely at the house. “That wouldn’t change just because we moved here.”

She honestly believed that, Buck could tell. And he was sure she intended it that way. But just because she was different didn’t mean she was an entirely different person and Rachel Buckley never did anything by halves. She would move here, and his life wouldn’t be his own anymore. It would be his mom trying to force them all out to fancy restaurants, and taking it as a personal affront if they were ever too busy. It would be her showing up unexpectedly on his day off, making a fuss about the amount of beer in his fridge and the lack of vegetables. 

It would be her showing up at the hospital the next time he got hurt on the job and trying to get him to quit. 

Because that was what being a mother was to her. Telling her children what to do. Trying to control their lives, because it came more naturally to her than actually listening to them and trying to support them.

“I know you’d try.” Buck told her carefully. “But this isn’t even just about me. This is about Maddie too. And even if I wanted you here all the time, it has to be up to her too.”

“Why do you think I’m doing this?” Rachel turned, stepping a few paces away from him. “Your sister… she’s the most stubborn person I know. I’ve tried everything I can think of. But it’s impossible to build a bridge when there’s an entire country between us.”

She sank down on one of the lawn chairs, not looking at him. 

“When Maddie was young, we’d rarely get into fights.” Rachel recounted, her eyes slightly unfocused, like she was seeing something that wasn’t there. “But when we did, they would be bad. She wouldn’t talk to me for _days_. That girl could hold a grudge until the end of time. The only thing that could ever get through to her would be when I’d come up to her room with a bowl of popcorn and a deck of Uno cards. We wouldn’t say anything other than to play the game. But the next day she’d be talking to me like everything was okay again.

“At some point, once she was a teenager… I stopped doing that. I was too busy. I didn’t have time to coddle her, to deal with her meltdowns. And so the silent treatments would stretch on and on. And the last one just never really ended. Yes, sometimes when I call her she picks up… but it’s all politeness. The bare minimum.

“And now…” She sniffed heavily, eyes blinking rapidly in a clear effort to keep the tears at bay. “Now my baby girl is having a baby of her own. I always thought when that happened she’d want me in the room with her, holding her hand. But the way things are between us right now, I don’t see that happening. And I’m worried that if it doesn’t… then that means I’ll have lost her for _good_.”

His mom choked out the last word in a thin, tight voice. Buck’s body acted on pure instinct, crossing the patio so that he was sitting next to her, an arm around her trembling shoulders. At first she stiffened, like she didn’t know how to react to his closeness. But then the fight left her body and she sank into his embrace, sniffling softly even as she stubbornly continued to fight back tears.

“So, what are we thinking?” The clear, bright voice of the realtor invaded the yard as she strode unawares onto the patio. “Are we ready to make an offer -” 

She came to an abrupt halt, her eyes widening. Buck tried to shoot her an _abort_ look with his eyes, but it was too late. At the sound of a third party, Rachel’s emotions visibly retreated into herself. Buck could’ve sworn that the tears actually crawled back inside her tear ducts as she plastered on a fake smile and stood up with confidence.

“I think we’re almost there.” She nodded around the patio with an apprising air. “But can I see the upstairs bathroom again? I want to inspect the water pressure.”

Buck watched her go, worrying his lip between his teeth. 

* * *

“So in eighth grade, I had this history teacher who taught us about the various torture methods used in medieval times.”

“Right,” Eddie said around the nail in between his teeth, only furrowing his forehead slightly at the abrupt change in topic. He had no idea if this was going to end up relating to Buck’s dilemma with his mother and sister, or if they were jumping ship to a totally different conversation. 

Both were equally likely.

“She was super great, she made it feel like story time instead of learning, so the material just kinda stuck with me. One of the only classes I ever got an A in without actually having to _try_. Anyway, I can still remember her describing the medieval process of _quartering by four horses._ They would take the poor sucker to the middle of a plaza, tie a rope around each limb to a different horse, and then drive each horse to a separate corner of the plaza.”

Eddie knew this, because he’d gotten a five on his AP European history exam. But he liked how excited Buck got when he was recounting information, the way that his eyes lit up with childlike glee even when he was describing something that was frankly appalling. “Is this some kind of extended metaphor?” He guessed, spitting the nail out into his hand. “Are you comparing your mother and sister to horses pulling you in different directions?”

“I’m just saying, I’ve got some empathy for the poor bastard.” Buck scrunched up his face, which was sweaty from the heat. “I don’t think this is right.”

Eddie turned away from him to look up at his handiwork. “It’s not _wrong_.” He defended.

“It’s uneven.” 

He huffed, stepping down the ladder and jumping next to Buck, who was spotting him, then took in the sight of the tree swing he was trying to hang up in his Aunt’s backyard. 

“… fine, it’s uneven.” Eddie admitted, trudging back up to adjust. 

“Anyway, it’s like I’m trying to wrangle them both but instead they’re pulling me and I keep stretching myself thiner and thiner.”

“Now you’re mixing metaphors.” Eddie told him with a grunt. 

“The point _is_ , I need your advice man. How do I fix this?”

Right, because Eddie was _excellent_ at fixing estranged relationships. The absolute gold standard at resolving communication issues. 

Buck should really know better than to ask Eddie for any advice on this subject, but he did it anyway because Eddie was his person. And that made him feel warm in a way that had little to do with the sun currently beating down on his back. 

“Well…” Eddie pulled the nail out of the tree branch with the hammer cheek, poking his tongue out in concentration as he considered the problem at hand. “You said Maddie left the dinner because they forced you guys to go someplace fancy, right?”

“I mean her breaking point was when my mom brought up Doug, but yeah. She hated how they just barged in and made us do everything _their_ way.”

Judging by the bitterness in Buck’s tone, Maddie wasn’t the only one who hated that. Eddie would’ve pushed, because he knew that nothing good ever came from Buck bottling up his feelings. But he knew now wasn’t the time - Buck clearly wasn’t in self-reflection mode, he was in ‘the fixer’ mode. And Eddie knew that trying to get Buck to slow down at this point would just result in getting trampled. The best thing he could do right now was to help Buck in his current course of action, to offer a hand so that Buck wouldn’t have to carry the weight of it all by himself.

“Maybe a good compromise would be if Maddie invited your parents to do something on _her_ terms?” Eddie suggested, wiggling the nail free and re-adjusting the rope so that it wasn’t quite so lopsided. “Better?”

“A little higher. Yeah, that’s good. But also, what did you have in mind?”

“What about the baby shower this Saturday?” Eddie looked behind his shoulder to see Buck’s mouth drop open.

“At Bobby and Athena’s? Eddie, are you _insane_?” 

“Just hear me out.” Eddie held up a hand. “Maddie will be surrounded by her friends and family, in a place that she’s totally comfortable. There will be plenty of people to distract both her _and_ your parents, so there will be less opportunity for anyone to get into a fight - and less pressure. And it would mean a lot to your mom, I’m sure.” 

Buck winced, running a hand through his hair, revealing an enormous pit-stain under his arm as he did. There was already a slight sunburn on his cheeks and nose beginning to form. 

Eddie didn’t know if it was just a sign of how far-gone he was that he was attracted to _armpit sweat_ and a _sunburn_ , or if it was just because Buck was so unfairly good-looking that even the parts of him that should have been off-putting drew Eddie in.

_Probably both,_ he thought as he took in Buck’s sweat-slicked skin and the way his hair glowed in the sunlight.

“It’s supposed to be Maddie’s day, and I don’t want her to be stressed out.” Buck worried.

“I’m not saying invite them without her permission. Just bring it up to her. If she says no, she says no.” Eddie turned away from the intoxicatingly domestic sight that was Buck standing in his Aunt’s yard, hammering the nail into the new position.

“Daddy, daddy!” Christopher’s voice carried across the yard from the patio. “Dinner is almost ready!”

“We’ll be done in a minute, bud.” Eddie called back, and Peppa tutted as she appeared behind Christopher, resting a hand on the boy’s shoulder.

“When I asked you to build the swing for me, I didn’t realize it would take you all day.” She teased, looking between Eddie and Buck. “I thought bringing a friend to help would hurry it along, but you are two chatty Cathies aren’t you?”

“ _Peppa.”_ Eddie whined, wounded, but Peppa was just laughing and ushering Christopher back inside. He shook his head down at Buck, who was snorting into the fist that wasn’t keeping the ladder steady. “Why do I bother helping her out when all she does is give me shit for it?” He asked Buck.

“Because you’re the best,” Buck said like it was nothing. “And you’re right. I’ll bring it up to Maddie and see what she says.” Something clearly occurred to him in the moment and he rolled his eyes skyward, bringing his hand to the bridge of his nose. “Oh… shit. I should probably warn you before that happens though.”

“Warn _me_?”

“Yeah…” Buck sighed and the rest of his face was matching his sunburn now. “So I forgot to tell you but back when you came to visit, my mom sort of… misinterpreted our friendship.”

He gave Eddie a significant look, as if he was supposed to understand what that vague statement meant.

“I’m not following.”

“She…” Buck cringed. “She thought we were actually in a relationship. But that was before she knew why I had even come there,” He added quickly with a small chuckle, before Eddie could even process that _bomb_ of a revelation. “So she was confused why you were there and without all the information that was the conclusion she came to. But don’t worry - I set her straight. I told her we’re just friends and - I’m sorry. I know this is awkward for you, especially since you’re the straightest straight to ever straight and…”

Buck was rambling, and normally it would be Eddie’s job to shut him up by offering a wry comment, some kind of joke to indicate that he thought it was funny, the way that Buck clearly thought it was.

But he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t do anything except stare at Buck like he had sprouted a second head.

See, Eddie had made a decision a few months back. A decision to hide part of himself, because he knew that nothing good could come of sharing. It had felt like the right thing to do at the time, the selfless path to take. 

Except, here Buck was, running his mouth about how ridiculous the idea of him and Eddie being together was because Eddie was the straightest straight to ever straight (which - where the hell did Buck come up with this shit?) and here Eddie was, feeling like a fraud.

Like a liar.

“Buck, actually…” His mouth was dry, but Eddie forced the words to come out. He might be emotionally repressed or whatever buzzword the head shrinks liked to use, but he wasn’t a _coward_. “I’m not, uh, straight. _Technically_ ,” He added, because Buck’s mouth had dropped open in shock.

His friend stared at him, mouth still agape and _Jesus_ it really was the widest thing Eddie had ever seen and it really wasn’t helping Eddie’s struggle here. He forced himself to drag his gaze from Buck’s ridiculous mouth to his eyes. Which was almost as bad, because they were equally wide and round and staring at him with - was that accusation or was Eddie imagining things?

“Uh - t _echnically?”_ Buck eventually stuttered out and Eddie chose to interpret the millions of emotions he saw flashing across his friend’s eyes as simply confusion. 

“Yes, _technically_.” Eddie stressed. “I’ve never had a real relationship or sex with a guy. But I’ve been attracted to them before.” He purposefully did not say _I am attracted to them_ because then the air in the yard would become to stifling and then he was going to bolt. He knew it. 

“Oh.” Buck’s eyes were still impossibly wide but he’d picked his jaw up off the floor, for which Eddie was eternally grateful. “So you think you’re bicurious or something?”

That would be the easy out here. Eddie ignored the temptation to take it. “Bisexual. I’m bisexual.” 

Because there was no _think_ here. Eddie knew. Had known since he was in high school and he was pushing Anthony Wayne, the third baseman on his team, up against the equipment shed, and was stunned to find that the feeling of stubble against his cheek (soft, peach-fuzz as it was), was just as good as a girl’s lips. Different, sure, but equally good.

“Hey man, that’s awesome!” Buck had abandoned his surprise, flashing him a supportive grin. “I’m glad you told me.”

He looked genuinely happy, not freaked out like Eddie had feared. Not nervous at all. 

But… not even nervous in the way that Eddie might have (if he were more honest with himself) wished that he would be. 

There was no _oh shit_ expression, or a quiet moment of tension as they both grappled with the unspoken possibility that this had opened up.

Buck was too relaxed, his response that of a practiced ally. A supportive straight friend.

Eddie shrugged, keeping a tight grip over his emotions. _Reign it in, Diaz_. “It’s not really a big deal, but I just figured you should know.”

“Yeah, sorry, I shouldn’t have run my mouth like that,” Buck stumbled over his words, looking appalled at himself. “I just thought - I mean, I didn’t know -”

“It’s fine, everyone thinks I’m straight.” Eddie waved him off. “I never gave you any reason to think otherwise.”

“Yeah, that’s -” Now Buck was looking at him way too earnestly, and it made Eddie sort of want to crawl out of his own skin. “I mean obviously it’s your business, I just hope that I never gave you a reason to think that you couldn’t tell me.”

“You didn’t.” Eddie assured him, even though that wasn’t the entire truth. But there was only so much honesty he could afford here. Only so much he could give away without ruining everything. “It’s just not something I tell people, man.”

Buck’s eyes flicked back to the house, where Peppa and Christopher were waiting. “Not even your family?” 

As glad as Eddie was for the distance between them, he suddenly wished he wasn’t standing on a ladder, because his grip on it felt abruptly unstable. “My - I said something to my parents once, back in high school. They were - it could’ve been worse. I think it would’ve been worse if I were gay, but since I said I liked girls… well, my dad said it didn’t have to be a thing. Y’know, since I could choose.”

“ _Eddie_.” Buck reached up toward him, putting a hand on his calf since it was the part of Eddie that he could reach easiest. He looked stricken. “You know that’s not true, right? You can’t choose who you love.”

Oh, didn’t he know it.

Buck’s touch felt like it was burning a hole through Eddie’s jeans and it took everything in him not to jerk away. The only thing that stopped him was the simple thought that Buck didn’t deserve that. He was just trying to be supportive, it wasn’t his fault. He had no way of knowing how much this was killing Eddie. 

“It doesn’t matter, I prefer women anyway.” Eddie insisted, and it really wasn’t a lie. The truth was that Eddie wasn’t easily attracted to people in general - he could notice if people were objectively good looking, and truth be told he noticed men and women equally in that front. But it didn’t make him want to jump into bed with them. Porn had never really done it for him one way or the other either. 

It was the emotional connection that drew him in. Every once in a while he’d meet someone and Eddie would just _know_ that something was there - call it chemistry, or whatever you wanted. 

The first time it had happened with a boy, he’d been sixteen and he hadn’t known enough to guard himself against it. Eddie had thought it was just an instant friendship connection. Had categorized himself as “straight” so solidly that it hadn’t occurred to him that the feelings he had whenever his teammate was around were anything other than platonic until they were literally making out. 

After that, Eddie was quick to shut it down any time it happened with a man again. And it was so rare that it was easy to do so, especially once he was married. Eddie was sure that his parents had certainly breathed a sigh of relief when Shannon had come into the picture, even though their approval of her hadn’t lasted.

But as with everything else, Buck was the exception.

Buck was searching Eddie with those ridiculous eyes of his. “So you wouldn’t want to be with a guy then?” He asked, sounding almost… _afraid._

Eddie’s heart skipped a beat. 

He knew what he wanted that note of fear in Buck’s voice to mean. He wanted it to be caused by the same reason Eddie felt like his heart was currently trying to escape out of his chest. And maybe if they’d had this conversation six months ago Eddie could’ve deluded himself into believing that’s what was happening.

But.

“No.” Eddie said, firm. “No, I’m not interested in that at all. I just figured you should know, because it’s _technically_ part of who I am, and I didn’t want you to feel like I’d lied to you if it came up for some reason later on.”

Buck leaned back, releasing Eddie’s leg, and Eddie was able to breath properly again. With it came a sting of remorse - _did I just make a mistake?_ _What if Buck actually wanted -_

“Alright man, well I’m here for you whatever you want.” Buck told him, relaxing into a big grin. “If you do eventually decide to explore those feelings just let me know and I’m sure Josh could recommend some great gay clubs - I can be your wingman!”

No. This was the right thing to do. He could tell by the way that the tension left Buck’s shoulders, loose and happy - _and so goddamn handsome_ \- in the sunlight again. Eddie had heard correctly: for a moment, Buck had been _afraid_ of Eddie, afraid that when Eddie looked at him it was in a certain light, that he wanted things from Buck he shouldn’t.

Eddie made a show of rolling his eyes as he resumed the task of securing the swing. He was a little surprised that Peppa hadn’t come back out yet to chide their slowness. “Thanks man, but I really don’t see that happening.”

And maybe Eddie was a piece of shit for lying about it. Maybe Buck deserved to know that Eddie did think about him in ways that would send Buck running for the hills if he knew. Maybe it was selfish for Eddie to lie to Buck, but wouldn’t it be equally as selfish for Eddie to potentially ruin their friendship over something that was just an Eddie problem?

He knew one thing for certain: Eddie had just sealed his own fate. Now he could _never_ tell Buck how he felt. Because it was no longer a lie of omission. Eddie had lied point-blank, knowing that Buck had been the victim of unwanted sexual attention from a man before. 

Even if Eddie’s motivations were borne out of protectiveness… if Buck ever found out that Eddie had kept this from him it would be a betrayal that their friendship would never recover from. 

The swing now properly affixed, Eddie stepped down the ladder. He couldn’t tell if he felt numb or sick.

Buck clapped a hand on his shoulder as he peered up at Eddie’s handiwork - and yeah, so sick then, definitely not _numb_ \- and gave a nod of approval. “I think we’ve earned our dinner.”

“You mean I have.” Eddie slipped into their banter on auto-pilot, though his heart wasn’t really in it. “You held a ladder.”

“Hey, I helped put the swing together in the beginning!” Buck gestured at the swing, which was specifically designed with a harness so that it would be accessible for Christopher. “C’mon, whatever your aunt is cooking smells delicious.”

The thought of _Buck_ at his aunt’s table after the conversation they just had, jostling with him to get extra servings of food, getting into a teasing back and forth banter with Peppa, doing that thing with Christopher where he would pretend that the salt and pepper shakers were waging war on each other…

Eddie sucked in a breath. He couldn’t do it. Not like this. He needed to get his head on straight. He needed… he needed…

“You go ahead, I’ve got to make a phone call.” Eddie waved him off, pretending to be nonchalant even knew his smile must look as tight as it felt.

Buck frowned, concern sketched across his features. “You good?”

“Yeah, just need a little bit of privacy, if you don’t mind.” And shit, that came across more snappish than he meant.

“Aright.” Buck backed off, holding his hands up as he walked backwards toward the house. He hesitated before going inside. “ _We’re_ good, right?”

Eddie softened. “Of course.”  


And he meant it. Nothing, not even the sting of (self-inflicted) rejection would make Eddie pull away from Buck. Their relationship is one of the most important ones in his life.

He just needed to finally make a serious effort to be realistic about what kind of relationship that was.

Once Buck was back inside the house, Eddie took a deep breath. Steeled himself.

Then dialed the contact on his phone that he’d saved seven months ago.

“Hi, Ana? I’m great how are you? So listen, I was wondering if you’re free this Friday…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs:  
> Internalized biphobia  
> Mentions of biphobic parents  
> Brief and vague allusion to childhood sexual assault  
> A brief description of quartering, but it’s in an allegorical, historical context  
> Discussion of Los Angeles real-estate  
> (I’m a millennial living in the City of Angels who is forever bitter about the fact that I will likely never be a homeowner, and this is my therapy.)


	4. All that glitters is gold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe Eddie was uncomfortable because he was attracted to _Buck_.
> 
> Ridiculous. Not that Buck didn’t consider himself physically attractive because hey, he worked hard for his body okay? But he and Eddie were friends. Practically brothers. They were bros and -
> 
> And Buck probably needed to stop caressing Eddie’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Clowning intensifies](https://images.app.goo.gl/4Ps9DwmhBqk6hYPd7)
> 
> TWs at the end. Nothing serious, but they do go on a call that might be triggering for some people, so take a look at the warnings if you're unsure!
> 
> Also, I've recently started making 9-1-1 videos, so if you're interested here is my [Buck video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86VPELd2APc) and here is my [Buddie video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gf2Z-VsEpBg)!

Buck hated to admit it, but he had been worried.

Talking about his feelings had never been Eddie’s strong suit. The man was a rock for everyone around him, but in spite of that (or, realistically, maybe _because_ of that), Eddie had a hard time opening up to people about his own wants and needs. 

Case in point: around this time two years ago, Buck could list every one of Christopher’s favorite movies but he hadn’t known that Eddie was sleeping with his quasi-ex-wife. He probably _wouldn’t_ have ever known if Shannon hadn’t come to the fire department toy drive and literally announced it. 

Pulling personal information out of Eddie was like prying teeth from a particularly stubborn tiger. Eddie was all light and smiles until you asked him something only slightly more personal than “how do you take your coffee” and then he was brooding harder than Harry Potter in the _Order of the Phoenix._

Things had obviously changed in the last couple years and Buck wore his status as Eddie’s preferred confidante proudly, like it was a Boy Scout badge on his chest. Still, it felt a little one-sided at times, in spite of Eddie’s insistence that it was _“not how friendship works, Buck.”_

Eddie could deny it all he wanted, but Buck felt like when it came to their friendship he just took and took and took. And he was scared that one day Eddie would realize Buck was just a leech: latching onto anyone who gave him love and affection, draining them until they realized that he was sucking them dry and managed to detach themselves from him. 

So of course, when Eddie actually opened up to him about something personal, Buck had completely blown it. In fact, the only reason Eddie said anything at all was because Buck had been running his mouth like an _idiot_ and accidentally offended him. Just thinking about it made him cringe, and made Buck rack his brains, wondering if he had said anything else like that to Eddie before.

He was also trying to figure out if there had been any signs that he’d missed.

See, if you had asked Buck a week ago, he would’ve told you that Eddie was definitely straight. Straighter than Buck was, because he’d never noticed Eddie making eyes at any of the hot guys they’d encountered on calls or when they were going out (not the way Buck made eyes anyway, because sometimes especially when he was drunk he just couldn’t help himself and his bi-curiosity leapt to the forefront). 

Then again, it’s not like Eddie made eyes at women either. There had just been Shannon, and then several months ago the mention of some kind of unexpected connection with Christopher’s English teacher, Ana. 

So maybe there wasn’t any way for Buck to have known. 

He had still spent the whole night before this shift tangled up in knots, nervous that things would be _weird_ between them. Like Eddie would regret telling Buck this important thing about himself. That he’d try to put distance between them because he accidentally let Buck in a little too close and Eddie’s defensive walls would go up.

But Eddie had waited for him in the parking lot just like he always did, greeting Buck with a tale about how Christopher had tried to convince him that _chocolate cake_ was a suitable breakfast food, and they walked in together like normal. 

It was like nothing had changed.

And Buck couldn’t figure out why the hell he was _disappointed_ by that.

Maybe it was that for some stupid reason, Buck couldn’t get his brain to function normally around Eddie all of a sudden. 

He was helping John out with restocking the ambulance when Eddie called out to him from the workout station.

“Hey Buck, can I get a spot?” 

And Buck nearly tripped over himself as he spun around, knocking all the supplies that John had been neatly organizing for the past ten minutes. 

Then at lunch time, while Buck was making a panini, Eddie was telling everyone a story across the room that Buck could barely hear but it sounded interesting so Buck kept scooting closer, not wanting to be left out.

“… then we ended up having to drive all the way across the city with like two tons of wood in the bed of the truck, and of course it’s four o’clock by then so the 405 is a parking lot -”

Chimney sniffed the air suddenly. “Is something burning?”

Buck whipped his head back to the panini press, which was smoking.

So, he nearly burned the kitchen down, only managing to prevent an emergency at the last second with a fire extinguisher, which earned him a sarcastic round of applause from everyone in the lofted area. 

“Are you okay?” Bobby asked him after Buck knocked over a tub of glitter in his attempt to fulfill Eddie’s request to hand him more gift bags. They were helping Athena with preparations for Maddie and Chimney’s baby shower, which meant sneaking away from Chimney’s prying eyes to Bobby’s office every time the opportunity presented itself. The office that was so rarely used, Buck could see a fine layer of dust on top of Bobby’s desk.

“What?” Buck asked, trying to pick the microscopic particles of glitter out of the carpet. “I’m fine, why do you ask?”

“You’ve been off all day.” Explained Bobby. “What’s the matter with you?”

“Nothing.” Buck huffed, because he couldn’t tell Bobby that his brain had decided to start misfiring thanks to Eddie coming out as bisexual to him yesterday - especially not with Eddie there. “I’m just clumsy. I’ve always been clumsy. You know this.”

“You nervous about the shower? Maddie invited their parents.” Eddie, the traitor, informed Bobby. 

“Right, Athena mentioned that to me.” Bobby tied off the ribbon on the gift bag he was finishing, then did that weird magical thing with the scissors that made the ribbon curl into a tight coil. “Don’t worry, we’ll try not to embarrass you too badly.”

Buck snorted, pushing himself back to his feet and gave the carpet a once over. “Cap, it’s not you guys I’m worried about. That’s good enough, right?”

Bobby and Eddie both leaned forward to examine the carpet.

“Er…” Eddie rubbed the back of his neck, wordless.

“I never use this office anyway.” Bobby said lightly. “And it’ll be fine Buck. Nothing your parents do or say will affect how we think of you. We know you, and you haven’t been able to get rid of us yet, right?”

Buck flushed, hyper-aware that his need for validation was apparently a flashing neon sign to everyone around him. “Thanks Cap.” He said, dropping back down next to Eddie on the couch.

Eddie nudged him. They were both wearing their short-sleeved uniforms today, so he could feel the reassuring warmth of Eddie’s skin against his. “Yeah, you’re stuck with us.” Eddie’s tone was teasing, but his eyes were soft. 

The moment was abruptly intimate in a way that Buck was familiar with, but he was hyper aware of the fact that it was just the two of them and _Bobby_ and he felt odd basking in the attention the way that he could’ve if they were surrounded by a few more people - and consequently just a little more invisible.

“Thanks guys.” Buck knocked his elbow against Eddie’s in the bro-iest way he could muster, grabbing a nearby gift bag and stuffing it with items.

Bobby raised his eyebrows. 

“Buck, you just filled that bag with nothing but Tequila mini-bottles.”

Buck looked down into the bag. 

So he had. Whoops.

* * *

**9-1-1 Operator:**

**_9-1-1, what is your emergency?_ **

**Caller:**

**_Please, I need an ambulance. I’m… stuck._ **

**9-1-1 Operator:**

**_Okay, where are you stuck?_ **

**Caller:**

**_Um…. oh god, do I have to say?_ **

* * *

Part of their training at the Fire Academy had been _sensitivity training_. Half of the job wasn’t just physical, it was mental. Being a first responder meant that you were the first one on the scene, the first face for victims to see in their moment of crisis. 

Much to the surprise of his peers and instructors, for the most part Buck had been great at sensitivity training. He knew that no one expected it of him since he was loud and brash and said a lot of things that made the people around him want to punch him in the face. 

When it came to comforting people in need, Buck didn’t have to fake anything. It was more that he set his cocky, blustering front aside and let his emotions fully take over. He was as sweet and as gentle as anyone else in his class, and he knew it had taken many people aback.

But… then they got to the section about maintaining professionalism. 

And, well. Buck had always struggled at that.

“Can you tell us what happened?” Bobby asked the victim with a straight face that made Buck question whether he would ever have what it takes to command a station. Because he couldn’t imagine a day where he would be able to match Bobby’s poker face in this situation.

The victim, a mild-looking man in his late 30s, looked panicked. “I um. Well, I was just getting some cleaning done and then my zipper broke. And I was trying to fix it, but I still had the hose in my hand it just kind of… sucked _it_ in.”

Buck carefully avoided looking at Hen, Chimney, and especially Eddie. He just needed to keep his eyes on Bobby, try to soak in some of the captain’s professionalism like a sponge. 

_Think serious thoughts. Trump is the president. Michael has a brain tumor. This guy could lose his dick._

“Really?” Hen asked archly, putting a blood-pressure cuff around the man’s arm. “It… sucked it in?”

“Yeah.” The victim asserted pitifully, fixing them all with a _don’t make me say it_ expression.

Chimney had the unenviable task of examining the appendage in question. “Cap, I don’t think we’re going to be able to get this out. Looks like some kind of allergic reaction, it’s too tight to try to cut the hose off. We should cut the hose off from the vacuum cleaner and transport him with the hose on.”

“What?” The victim burst out, alarmed. “No, no, you have to get it out, please!”

“We’ll treat the swelling with some anti-allergy medication, it should hopefully go down enough that we can get the hose off in the ambulance.” Hen soothed him, rubbing a hand on his shoulder. 

_But will he ever be able to get it up again?_

He glanced over at Eddie whose own face gave away nothing, but he was looking at Buck with anticipation. When Buck met his gaze, Eddie quirked his eyebrows slightly, almost like he was egging Buck on.

Asshole.

Buck schooled his face carefully. _Bees are dying at an alarming rate._

Once Chimney and Hen had gotten the victim loaded onto the ambulance, Eddie nudged him with a smirk. “I really thought you were going to lose it back there.”

“Hey, I was the _epitome_ of professionalism.” Buck protested, following him back to the truck. “I didn’t crack once.”

“Yeah, but you were _about_ to.” Eddie teased him as they hopped into the cab. “Your face only ever looks that serious when someone’s dying, or when you’re seconds away from bursting out laughing.”

They shut the door. “Okay, okay, but are you trying to tell me you _weren’t_?” Buck asked weakly, wheezing from the effort of holding it in. “I mean… it just _sucked it in_? Why do - why do they always do that? Every time… it’s like… do they think we don’t _know?_ ”

Now Eddie was chuckling a little. “Oh, he knew we knew, he just didn’t want to have to say it out loud.”

“Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.” Bobby quipped unexpectedly over the comm, which made Buck give a small whimper, shoulders shaking from the effort of keeping his mirth at bay. “Let that be a lesson, boys.”

“Right, I’ll remember that next time I’m deciding if I should stick my _penis_ in a _vacuum cleaner_.”Eddie deadpanned. 

And fuck, that was it. 

Buck lost it, roaring with laughter that crackled loudly over the comm, bending over with full body guffaws that made Eddie pat him on the back, his own eyes crinkled shut with the force of his smile. The force of Buck’s mirth overtook him for a moment so that he lost nearly all his senses, barely even able to hear his own laughter, feeling nothing except the shakes of his body and the sensation of Eddie’s warm and solid presence pressed into his side, fingers splayed between his shoulder-blades.

* * *

Once they got back to the house, Buck turned on his phone to see a missed call and a panicked-looking text message from his mom ( _Evan PLEASE call me back, it’s an emergency!!!!)._ With his turnout gear shed but still in his bunker pants, he went to call her back, as Bobby and Eddie seized the opportunity to continue their secret baby shower preparations while Chimney was still out on the medical portion of their last call.

“Hey mom, is everything okay? Is dad okay?”

_“Oh, your father is fine. We’re both fine. I just need your help with something.”_

“Okay….” Buck leaned against the open garage door of the firehouse, squinting into the bright sun. “Well, I’m at work, but depending on the emergency I might be able to get off early.”

_“That won’t be necessary, I just need your advice on something.”_ She sounded fairly calm considering that it was an ‘emergency’, Buck realized suspiciously. _“Maddie invited us to a baby shower this weekend, which was very sweet but_ very _last minute, and all the suitable items on her registry are already purchased!”_

“Oh really? That’s great!” Buck knew that had been a source of stress for both Chimney and Maddie. Having a baby wasn’t cheap, especially in Los Angeles. Not having to purchase those big-ticket items themselves would be a huge relief. 

_“No, Evan, it’s terrible_.” Rachel corrected, sounding put-out. _“I’m her_ mother _. It’s bad enough that I’m not throwing this baby shower for her, but all that’s left on the registry is socks and a diaper bag! I can’t show up to the baby shower with_ socks _! What will everyone think?”_

“That you… got them something they asked for?”

_“I was planning on getting her a crib. A nice one, not the cheap one on the registry. But now I can’t do that, because it’ll offend whoever got the crib for her, whoever that it.”_

Probably Athena and Bobby, if Buck had to guess. Or the Lees. Either way, it was likely to go over like a lead balloon.

_“Maybe I’ll just get her something off the registry anyway.”_ Rachel was saying. _“As a parent, it’s always good to have backups. And that stroller on there is very basic, it can’t even convert into a car seat! I could just get them one now, and save them the trouble of having to buy one when they realize they need it. I think Maddie would appreciate that.”_

Buck squeezed his eyes shut, reminding himself that she wasn’t _trying_ to be this way, she just really couldn’t help herself. “I think Maddie would appreciate you sticking to the registry, mom.”

_“The parents of the mother are supposed to get the most expensive gift.”_ Rachel snapped. _“That’s just the way things are. I know you and your sister like to act like those things don’t matter, but they do. And I guarantee they will matter to your friends more than you’d like to think they do. And…”_ Her voice softened a bit, _“Your father and I have money, and I’d like to help your sister out. I don’t want Maddie’s stubbornness to cause her daughter to go without.”_

Oh, god. Buck felt like he was walking into a landmine but… “Mom, can I be brutally honest with you?” he requested, barging ahead before she could respond. “It doesn’t matter what our friends think. Or the ‘way things are’. The _only_ thing that should matter to you is what Maddie thinks. And everything you’re saying… is exactly what she would expect from you.”

There was silence across the line.

Buck felt the familiar childhood panic rise up in his throat. He’d screwed up. She was upset with him and he needed to fix it. Maybe he shouldn’t have pushed too hard, been so honest. Maybe the right thing to do would’ve been to offer her _his_ present, the glider he’d been quick to snag because just thinking about rocking his niece to sleep in it made him feel warm and gooey on the inside.

_No_. No, he was right about this.

_“I’ll think about it.”_ Rachel finally said, terse, before hanging up on him. 

Buck scrubbed a hand across his face, feeling the familiar post-Buckley-family-fun-time hangover. If his mom came to the baby shower with a more expensive version of something that was actually on the registry, Maddie was going to be pissed. He could only hope that his mom actually would take his words to heart and really try to make this an opportunity to meet Maddie halfway, because if she tried to do things her way… 

“That good, huh?” 

He peeled his hand away from his face to see Hen giving him a sympathetic look. Behind her, he saw Chimney swinging out of the ambulance bay. They must’ve just gotten back.

“You know when I had my shield ceremony, I actually sent my parents an invitation?” Buck replied, instead of answering directly. “I knew they wouldn’t, but part of me sort of wanted them to come. Instead they sent me a card that said ‘Congratulations.’” He shook his head, sagging a little. “But I should’ve been grateful they didn’t come back then because having them around is so much more stressful than I thought it would be. Seriously, I’m dying Hen.” He whined, and Hen laughed softly, patting him on the shoulder.

“Buck up Buck.” She joked, letting her hand rest on his arm as her voice gentled. “Family’s tough. _Trust_ me, I get it. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from fostering, it’s that parenting isn’t easy. There’s so many ways to mess it up even if you think you’re doing everything right. The fact that they’re here, and they’re trying? It means they care.” 

“Well, my mom does at least.” And it was true - as exasperated as Buck was with her, he was happy that she really seemed to be putting thought into what she was doing. She cared what Maddie’s (who were mostly also Buck’s) friends thought of her. He had to give her credit for that. His father though… “My dad’s just along for the ride. He had to retire after his stroke, so what else is he going to do?”

Buck felt bad for complaining as soon as the words came out of his mouth. At least he’d _had_ a dad growing up - one who was there, even if it was only really physically. 

Hen didn’t tell him to suck it up and be grateful for what he had, luckily. “You gonna be okay on Saturday?” She asked, eyeing him. “Chimney told me they’ll be there.”

“Me?” Buck replied in surprise. “Oh, I’ll be fine. It’s Maddie and my mom you’ll need to look out for. If you see signs of World War III brewing, run in the other direction. Maybe see if you can save Chimney on your way, but if he’s a lost cause just leave him for dead.”

Hen laughed and tugged on his arm, leading him back into the firehouse so they could get back to work. “I’ll keep that in mind. Might be a bit late though - the social worker is coming by with potential adopters.”

“Is this the same couple as last time or a new one?”

“Same couple.”

Buck quickly did the math in his head. “Wow, what is this, their third visit? Do you think this one is going to go through?”

Hen shrugged, trying to be casual, but he could feel the tension in the way her fingers tightened on his arm. “I’m not sure. Part of me really hopes so, because they seem really great and Nia deserves an amazing home. But the other part…”

“Yeah.” Buck slide his arm so that he could grab her hand and squeeze it. Hen and Karen had gone into the fostering process knowing it would be difficult. That they would welcome children into their home temporarily, who would either ideally be placed back in their original homes if they were deemed safe, or would go on to be adopted if that was the right situation for them. They had been prepared, passed all sorts of psychological evaluations to prove that they would be able to let go when the time came.

But none of that would make it any easier when the time came, especially the first time. Hen loved harder than anyone he knew, and she had been loving Nia with everything she had for the past nine months.

Hen squeezed back, releasing his hand so that she could greet Eddie as he came down the stairs from Cap’s office.

Buck took one look at him and burst out laughing. 

“What?” Eddie asked, instantly annoyed. 

“You’ve got…” Buck rubbed a hand over his own jaw to demonstrate. “You’ve got glitter in your stubble, dude. You’re all sparkly!”

Eddie hand flew to his face, trying to rub it off. “This is your fault, I was trying to clean up _your_ mess.” He defended. 

“With your face?” Buck asked, which caused Hen to howl with laughter as she walked past Eddie toward the loft.

Eddie flipped him off with one hand, vigorously scrubbing at his face with the other. 

Buck grabbed his hand, stilling it. “You’re just rubbing it in more,” He chided, shooting Eddie an amused grin, before carefully rubbing his thumb through Eddie’s stubble in order to coax the glitter out. 

His knuckles were resting at the junction between Eddie’s jaw and throat in order to get the leverage he needed. It was soft to the touch and Buck couldn’t help himself from rubbing his knuckles ever so slightly against the skin there. 

Buck felt Eddie’s breath hitch under Buck’s touch. 

Suddenly Buck was aware of how red Eddie was, his skin unusually flushed and hot to the touch. Oh god, was this weird? 

Was he being weird and making Eddie uncomfortable? Usually they were all up in each other’s spaces like this without it being a problem, but maybe Eddie was uncomfortable because he’d told Buck that he was attracted to guys and now he thought Buck was trying to put a move on him.

Or…

A wild, stray thought crossed Buck’s mind.

Maybe Eddie was uncomfortable because he was attracted to _Buck_.

Ridiculous. Not that Buck didn’t consider himself physically attractive because hey, he worked hard for his body okay? But he and Eddie were friends. Practically brothers. They were _bros_ and -

And Buck probably needed to stop caressing Eddie’s face.

It took all of Buck’s willpower not to spring away, pulling his hand back with one last casual brushing of Eddie’s stubble, and cocked his head in consideration at Eddie’s face, pretending that he didn’t feel his own face burning. “Uh, that’s better but you should probably shower before Chimney figures out what’s up.” 

Eddie cleared his throat. His face was still unusually red, but he didn’t look like he wanted to punch Buck in the face so that was a good sign. He didn’t look like he wanted to grab Buck by his uniform collar and kiss him either, which was a little disappointing. “Yeah. Uh, I’m going to go and do that.”

It wasn’t until Eddie had disappeared and Buck was taking off the rest of his gear that he fully processed the thoughts that had just been going through his mind.

When he did, Buck nearly hit his head on the side of his cubby. 

_A little disappointing?_

_Buckley, what the actual fuck?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:
> 
> They go on a call, and a man gets his penis stuck in the tube section of a vacuum cleaner. It's not graphic. 
> 
> Buck is also confused and oblivious and just at the beginning of figuring out his sexuality.


	5. Sins of the father

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They’re gonna be grandparents soon, which makes them super old.” Buck told Christopher with a conspiratorial wink.
> 
> “Evan. We’re not old, you take that back.” 
> 
> “Rachel you don’t look a day over thirty-five.” Eddie assured her, and she beamed at him. 
> 
> “Thank you, Eddie. You’re now my favorite.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... i'm... sorry?
> 
> This might end up being the heaviest chapter in this fic. Please check the trigger warnings at the end of the chapter if you have any concerns. 
> 
> I would say this is about on par with some of the most difficult chapters of the prequel. Please be safe.
> 
> TWs at the end of the chapter

_Thomas Buckley was not a violent man._

_He was known for being calm and collected, with the world’s longest fuse. His coworkers would joke that he was a monk, that Thomas was incapable of getting angry. Which simply wasn’t true._

_The truth was, Thomas was always angry._

_He was angry because he’d had dreams once. He’d worked his ass off in school, put himself through college and grad school. He was going to be a professor, spend his free time doing research and writing books._

_But he’d fallen in love and even though they both agreed they didn’t want kids somehow they wound up with two of them, and a house that was too expensive for them to afford on a professor’s salary._

_Thomas spent his working days with people he hated, doing a job that he hated, then came home to a wife that was equally as frustrated and bitter as he was (and a son who just couldn’t seem to get his shit together)._

_Yes, he was angry. Constantly. It was a slow simmering resentment that was constantly burning on low. Thomas had to make a concerted effort not to let the gas get turned up, because he knew if he ever did, there would be no turning back. Rachel could let her emotions fly loose but the few times Thomas ever truly lost his temper and yelled… it had been only once with Maddie, a few times with Rachel, and certainly more than a few with Evan. But every time the look on their faces made him sick. Thomas’s father had not been a gentle man and he never wanted his family to see him that way, ever._

_So Thomas Buckley was not a violent man._

_But today, his son was really testing his limits._

_Thomas rapped on the door, which was shut like always. “Car in five minutes.” He said through the door in a tone that brooked no argument._

_There was no response. Thomas wasn’t expecting one. His son barely talked to him anymore._

_They’d never had a close relationship, but they used to have their moments. Where Thomas would be up watching the history channel and Evan would curl up next to him, asking curious questions about the historical accuracy of what they were watching. Or when Thomas would be working in his office and Evan would creep in with his homework and without a word they’d sit quietly together._

_Then when Evan became a teenager, that stopped. It was like a switch had been flipped, right around the time Evan turned thirteen. Rachel swore that Thomas exaggerated things, that Evan hadn’t really changed, but now Thomas always watched the history channel alone._

_He knew that happened with teenagers, that as their hormones hit and their desire for independence grew that they wanted to spend less time with their parents. But Evan had always been a needy, frankly exhausting kid, constantly demanding attention that Thomas didn’t have the time or energy to give. And he hadn’t withdrawn from Rachel the same way._

_So, it was personal. There was a constant lingering resentment every time the two of them were in the same room together. For whatever reason, Evan had turned thirteen and decided he now hated Thomas._

_Normally Thomas tried not to pay much mind to it, but today he didn’t have patience for Evan’s disobedience. Their flight to Hawaii was only hours away and Rachel was at peak stress levels, trying to scramble to get everything ready. Absolutely everything had gone wrong in trying to prepare for this trip: their flight time was moved, the top paralegal at Rachel’s firm had quit and she had to pull double-duty and extra hours, last night the friend who was supposed to water their plants informed them that she had chicken pox of all things - and Rachel refused to take Jenny up on her offer to water the plants thanks to the past betrayal of coming home to find all her plants dead under her little sister’s not-so-watchful eye._

_And that was the other thing. For some reason Evan was being an absolute_ shit _about going to stay with Jenny and Benji during the trip._

_He had spent the last week trying to convince them that he could just stay by himself, even offering to water the plants as if they could trust him with any level of responsibility._

_Responsible kids didn’t not do their homework and get bad grades and then try to hide it from their parents. Responsible kids didn’t have boxes of their condoms hidden under their mattresses._

_Responsible kids did_ not _come home stumbling drunk after their sophomore homecoming dance at four o’clock in the morning, looking like he had been mauled by a bear with the amount of hickies all of his neck._

_Leaving Evan at their house all by himself was absolutely not an option._

_Thomas sat in the car and glanced at his watch. The five minutes were up. Just as he was wondering if he was going to have to go up there and force Evan out to the car, the garage door opened and Evan slunk out, duffle bag over his shoulder. He was dragging his feet like he was walking through three feet of water, face twisted into a grimace as if Thomas were carting him off to juvenile detention instead of his relative’s house for the week._

_The closer Evan got to the car, the slower he seemed to get, until Thomas had to roll down his window. “Quit playing around and get in the car. I don’t have time for this.” He barked out._

_As Evan reached for the front seat, Thomas locked the door and shook his head. “No, you sit in the back. If you’re going to act like a child I’m going to treat you like a child.”_

_Something ugly crossed Evan’s face. Not for the first time, Thomas got the impression that his son wanted to punch him in the face._

_It hadn’t been this difficult with Maddie. Thomas didn’t understand where they’d gone wrong with Evan._

_The car ride was tense. He could feel Evan trying to make eye contact with him the whole ride over, but wasn't going to give in._

_He knew that there was a girl involved. She'd been coming over to "study" for the last week or so, which both Thomas and Rachel had always made a point of interrupting whenever they could after Maddie had helpfully informed them that apparently “studying” was code for “sex.”_

_So he knew that his son had probably been over the moon when he thought he'd have the house to himself for a whole week. But Thomas knew what happened when irresponsible kids like his son were given that much freedom and he equally didn't want to come home to his house trashed as he didn't want to deal with a teenage pregnancy scandal._

_So no. No amount of whining was going to get him to yield._

_They pulled up to Jenny and Benji's house. Thomas parked the car and started to open his car door._

_"Dad."_

_Evan's voice was quiet. Serious. Thomas didn't look at him._

_"Dad, can I please... can I just stay with Kyle? His parents are just as strict as you guys are, I promise. You can even call them every night if you don't trust me."_

_That didn't make any sense though. If Kyle's parents were stricter than Jenny and Benji, who would probably just feed Evan pizza and essentially let him do whatever he wanted, why would Evan want to stay with Kyle? Except it was probably a lie, because Kyle was definitely not a responsible kid either._

_"No." Thomas said shortly. "I can't just dump you on them at the last minute, and I'm not going to bother them by calling every night. Benji and Jenny already agreed, just be grateful."_

_He jumped out of the car and grabbed Evan's bag from the trunk, before yanking open the backseat when Evan didn’t get out of the car. “Evan I really don’t have time for this.”_

_“Dad, please just -”_

_Evan’s voice cut off when the front door opened._

_“Hey Tom!” Jenny said brightly, waving at them merrily from the doorstep. She was a sweet and vibrant woman, who reminded Thomas of Rachel before she had Maddie. “I assume that’s Evan hiding in the car?” She added, ducking her head and squinting past Thomas._

_“Hello Jenny. Evan’s decided to throw a fit.” Thomas answered wryly. He would be embarrassed about his son’s behavior, but this was far from the first time Evan had acted this way in front of his aunt. Besides, Thomas knew from experience the best way to correct Evan’s behavior was to make him feel embarrassed about it._

_“Oh come on, Ev, am I really that bad?” Jenny teased. “Come on, we’re having burgers tonight. Benji’s grilling out back.”_

_Judging by the reddening of his ears, Thomas could tell that Evan was embarrassed at being talked down to. But apparently he’d decided that his protest over not being able to go to Kyle’s was more important than being mortified at being called out for throwing a temper-tantrum, because he wasn’t budging. He wouldn’t even look over at Jenny._

_Thomas placed a firm hand on Evan’s arm, unable to suppress his irritation when Evan flinched under his touch because for fuck’s sake when had he ever given Evan the idea that he would hurt him? “Evan.” He ground out, lowly. “Get out of the damn car right now, or when we get back from this trip you will be grounded for the rest of the_ semester. _”_

_Finally, Evan looked at him. “Dad I don’t want to stay here.”_

_For a moment Thomas felt off-balance because his son looked almost… was that fear he was seeing?_

_Or was it just defiance._

_“Why?” He asked, figuring that was a more than fair question. Not that he had time at this point make changes if Evan’s reason was rational - and not expecting it to be rational regardless._

_Evan opened his mouth. His eyes flicked past Thomas’s shoulder._

_He slumped. “I just don’t want to.” Evan mumbled._

_“Not good enough. Get up, come on.” Thomas pulled Evan up, and luckily Evan didn’t try to fight him and just let himself be tugged along like a gangly rag doll. Thomas wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do if Evan ended up getting another growth spurt and overcame Thomas’s height._

_He led Evan to the front door, where Benji had joined Jenny in the doorway. “Hey Tom, good to see you again.” Benji said politely, sticking out his hand in greeting._

_“Nice to see you too, it’s been awhile. Work’s been keeping you busy, huh?” Thomas had never been close to his sister-in-law’s husband, but it had been an unusually long time since he’d seen the man._

_“Oh, you know the grind man. I’d welcome you in for a burger but I know you’ve got to run.”_

_“Yes, unfortunately I was_ already _running late.”_

_“Go, we’ve got it from here,” Jenny said, placing a hand on Evan’s shoulder as if to prevent him from bolting. The thought did suddenly cross his mind - oh god, Evan wouldn’t be stupid enough to run off while they were in Hawaii as some kind of rebellion, would he?_

_Thomas tried to make eye contact with Evan, but he seemed particularly fascinated in his shoes for some reason. “What I said in the car applies to if you give Jenny and Benji any grief, Evan.” He said sternly, before looking up at Jenny. “Let us know if he’s difficult and we’ll be sure that he is punished accordingly when we get back. Don’t let him guilt you into anything.”_

_“_ Go _, Tom, we’ll be fine.” Jenny waved him off with a tone that didn’t inspire Thomas with much confidence that she would actually rat Evan out if he was a little shit._

_Oh well. There was only so much Thomas could do._

* * *

The Grant-Nash house was probably one of Buck’s favorite places on earth.

He remembered the first time he’d seen it, the way his eyebrows had shot up his forehead and he’d had to double-check that he had the address from Bobby. He’d known that Michael was was an architect so he supposed it made sense, but _damn_.

He’d been nervous walking up, a bottle of champagne in one hand and a carton of eggnog in the other. Buck had been a little unsure of the invite to spend Christmas at Athena’s home, because while he knew that Athena’s initial hatred of him had grown into an exasperated fondness, he still wasn’t sure if he was really someone she wanted to spend a family holiday with or if it had just been a pity invitation. But his excitement at Bobby and Athena’s engagement overcame that nervousness so that he was bubbling with enthusiasm when Athena opened the door.

There had been no need to be nervous, it turned out. Athena was thrilled to see him, and welcomed him in like family.

And from that day forward Buck’s list of places that he categorized under “home” had expanded to include the Grant-Nash’s lovely abode.

He was able to secure a great parking spot (near the end of the driveway, so he wouldn’t get parked in like he somehow always did at these things) thanks to the fact that he was arriving early, arms laden withboxes containing the gift bags they’d been working on at the firehouse. Buck was happy to see that he’d definitely completed the lion’s share of them, although he hated to admit that it was probably because his were much sloppier than Eddie or Bobby’s.

Athena put him to work right away, lining up the gift bags on the table. If it had been his mom, she probably would’ve instructed him to put the ones he’d completed (with their sad, limp ribbons) at the back of the line-up, behind Bobby’s with their fancy curled ribbons and Eddie’s with their neat bows. But Athena had always been more of “it’s the thought that counts” kind of person, so she didn’t say anything even though it was obvious who had done which.

They barely managed to finish setting up just in time for the guests to start arriving. Some of them were a little early, but Bobby and Athena took it in stride.

Two of the first to arrive were an older couple who Buck had never met before. They set their very large box down on the gift pile and made some quiet small talk with Bobby before standing off to the side, watching everyone milling around with uncertainty.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out who they were. Buck walked over, putting on his biggest winning smile. “Hi, I’m Evan, but everyone calls me Buck.” He said, sticking out his hand to the woman first. “I’m Maddie’s brother, I work with Howie.”

The woman gave him a hesitant smile. “Oh yes, Maddie and Howie mentioned you. I’m Anne Lee, this is my husband John.”

“Oh hey, I thought so!” Buck exclaimed with a grin. “Howie’s said some great things about you guys.” He explained, shaking John’s hand.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” John relaxed a little as they dropped hands.

“It’s great to meet you guys. Maddie was really excited when she met you last year, I know it meant a lot to her. And it means a lot to both of them to have you here.”

“Maddie’s such a lovely, bright woman.” John said warmly, positively radiating with approval. “She’s perfect for Howie, we couldn’t have asked for a better partner for him.”

“I feel the same way.” Buck agreed. “I mean, yes about Maddie obviously. She’s one of my favorite people. But so is Howie. I’ll admit, I was a _little_ annoyed when they first started dating.” He told them sheepishly, which got a laugh out of John and a giggle from Anne. “But that’s just because Howie was my friend first and suddenly he was inviting my big sister to hang out with us all the time. I got over it when I realized how happy he made her. Not to mention, he’s one of the best people I know.”

“He gets it from his mother.” Anne said fondly. “She was one of _my_ favorite people. And even though her time with him was too short, she was somehow able to raise the most wonderful, kind, generous boy. I wish she could be here today, she’d be so proud.”

“I’m sure she is.” Buck hesitated, unsure if he was overstepping, before adding: “But, from what I hear, you guys had a pretty big hand in making Howie the person he is today too.”

Anne blinked rapidly, her eyes wet. Oh shit, maybe he had overstepped. His first time meeting Maddie’s quasi-mother-in-law, and he’d made her cry and -

John was suddenly wrapping him in a big hug, catching him completely off guard.

“Thank you.” He said gruffly. “It’s good to hear that Howie knows how loved he is.”

* * *

There was already a good amount of people by the time Maddie and Chimney arrived. Enough that Buck (with Albert’s enthusiastic support) was able to convince them to stand in two lines stretching from the front door to the back patio, hands joined over their heads to form a tunnel.

“Wooo!” They all cheered as the expectant couple opened the door, like it was the beginning of a basketball game and Maddie and Chimney were their star players.

Maddie burst out laughing and Chimney rubbed his forehead in second-hand embarrassment at their antics, but they gave in to the encouragement from their friends and family, making their way through the tunnel to the backyard.

It didn’t take long for the party to hit full swing. Buck broke away from his intense game of bocce ball with Albert and May to scan the crowd and see if his parents had slipped in unnoticed. It was unusual for his mom to be more than twenty minutes late to anything - and the twenty minute rule was only for parties and events where showing up on time was apparently considered rude. And yet it was a full hour after the printed start time on the invitation. The only other people who weren’t there yet were Hen, because they had that appointment with Nia’s potential adoptive parents that morning, and Eddie and Christopher who everyone knew had physical therapy on Saturday afternoons, so they were expected to be late.

The doorbell rang and Athena whisked away to the front, Buck trying to be discreet as he followed her. It wasn’t like he was _excited_ to spend time with his parents at this party, but the idea of them spending any unsupervised time with Athena made him nervous.

He sort of hung around the corner, busying himself with picking at Bobby’s impressive spread at the dining room table, while keeping an ear tuned to the front door.

Sure enough…

“Oh, hello!” Athena’s voice rose an octave the way that it did when she was being fake nice. “You must be the Buckleys. I’m Athena Grant, friend of Maddie and Chimney’s. And Buck.”

“Rachel and Thomas, pleasure.” His mom introduced them as a unit. “You have a lovely home.”

“Thank you, my ex-husband is an architect, he built it for us. Come in, come in!”

“It was very… sweet of you to host this party for Maddie.” His mother’s voice was strained as it came around the corner. Buck half expected her to say something snarky about how throwing a baby shower should’ve been _her_ job, but even if she wanted to then she somehow managed to swallow it.

“My husband and I will take any excuse to throw a party. Plus, Maddie and Chimney have babysat so many times for us, it’s the least we can do.” Athena’s social intelligence was really formidable, obviously picking up on Rachel’s resentment and doing her best to smooth it over. The woman missed nothing. “Here, let me take your gift for you.”

Now they were in view and Buck watched as Athena headed over to the gift table with a medium sized box in her arms. Fortunately it didn’t appear to be stroller sized, so hopefully that meant his mom had actually listened to him for once.

His parents hadn’t spotted him yet since he was out of their line of sight, but Athena did when she turned around.

And raised her eyebrows at him in a _you’re not slick_ expression.

Buck hung his head, wondering how Athena managed to make him feel chastised with little more than an eyebrow movement.

Then, bracing himself, went over to great his parents.

* * *

Buck had to admit, it was going better than expected.

Oh, having his parents there was awkward as hell. Every time Buck was in their vicinity he felt hyper-aware of everything he was doing or saying. He was sure that his friends noticed, because it was like he couldn’t function normally, oscillating between being weirdly quiet or overly loud to compensate.

It wasn’t that he was worried about saying or doing something they wouldn’t approve of because he cared about their opinion. It was that Buck felt protective of his life, his friends, and didn’t want to give his parents any reason to criticize them. He couldn’t kid around with Albert about when he was _finally_ going to get his own apartment because he didn’t want his mom to drop some snarky comment about Albert being a couch-surfer later on. He and Chim couldn’t even have their typical banter because he didn’t want his parents to think that they didn’t get along and to think less of Chimney for it.

But, so far his parents hadn’t done anything to make Buck cringe. They were holding conversations, keeping questions polite and interested. They seemed to be mostly sticking to the “adults”, asking Bobby, Athena, and the Lees about their work and families.

And, his mom and Maddie had actually held _three_ whole two minute conversations without getting into a fight, so that was a win.

The doorbell rang and Buck perked up, jogging over to the door to beat out Athena this time. Hen and Karen had arrived fifteen minutes so there were only two people this could be…

Buck swung the door open almost as wide as his grin, his eye-line already trained down to waist-height. “Hey buddy!” He greeted Christopher, bending down a bit in anticipation of the big hug Chris wrapped around him. “How was PT?”

Chris matched his grin. “Nailed it.”

“Nice! And how did Eddie do?” He asked, knowing that Eddie liked to do the exercises with Christopher to make him feel like they were in it together.

Christopher tilted his hand from side to side. “Meh.”

“Yeah, I figured as much.”

“Bullies.” Eddie declared, shifting his gift box on his hip as he pushed past Buck into the house. “The pair of you.”

Buck stuck his tongue out at Eddie, which delighted Christopher to no end judging from the fit of giggles that elicited. He reached out to take the box from Eddie.

“Oh, is this your house now?” Eddie asked, amused as he followed Buck into the living room, both of them moving at Christopher’s pace. “Answering the door, taking presents -”

“I just didn’t want you to pull a vanity muscles.” Buck shot back cheerily, setting the present in the middle of the stack.

“ _Excuse_ me?” Eddie’s eyebrows drew together on his forehead, his tone outraged, which made Christopher giggle again. “None of my muscles are for vanity, they’re all completely utilitarian.”

“Su- _ure_ , Mr. Eight-Pack.”

“You are not allowed to talk, with your ridiculous arms.” Eddie’s eyes actually flicked down to his biceps when he said that and Buck swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. Eddie was not checking him out in front of his son at Maddie’s baby shower. _That_ would be ridiculous. “Seriously, every time I see you it’s like they’ve grown three sizes. What is the point?”

Suddenly flashes of images invaded Buck’s brain: pushing Eddie against the counter, lifting him up to show off his upper-body strength, Eddie’s nails digging into his biceps. _I can show you if you want_. Buck’s brain almost let his mouth say, but he barely managed to choke it back at the last second, because what the hell did he ever mean by that. What the hell was going on with his brain? First he was thinking about kissing Eddie at _work_ of all places, and now _this_?

Shit, he really needed to get laid.

“It’s Christopher’s fault.” Buck said instead, opting to go with the PG response. He crouched down, opening his arms in a beckoning gesture that Christopher happily took, coming over to him so that Buck could lift him up. “He keeps getting bigger and I have to make sure I can always carry him.”

Christopher pressed his nose against his neck as Buck rested his chin on Christopher’s curls, winking at Eddie over Chris’s head.

For some reason, Eddie was looking at Buck like he’d hit him over the head with a frying pan.

“So this must be the famous Christopher!” His mom’s voice broke through, and Buck’s stomach dropped.

Buck shifted to set Christopher down, feeling something almost similar to dread. He’d told his mom they could meet Christopher, and he knew Eddie didn’t have any problem with it, but he just couldn’t shake the feeling of impending doom.

Christopher must’ve sensed his mood, because he was uncharacteristically shy as he glanced between Buck and his parents.

“Hey buddy, these are my parents.” Buck introduced them, crouching down so that he was addressing Christopher more than his parents, forcing more enthusiasm than he felt into his voice. “They flew out all the way from Pennsylvania to come see me and Maddie! Isn’t that so cool?”

His forced cheer seemed to do the trick into getting Christopher to relax, because he smiled. “Because of the baby?”

“Yeah, that’s right! They’re gonna be grandparents soon, which makes them super old.” Buck told Christopher with a conspiratorial wink.

“Evan.” His mom chided, but she seemed to have a genuinely soft smile on her lips. “We’re not old, you take that back.”

“Rachel you don’t look a day over thirty-five.” Eddie assured her, and she beamed at him.

“Thank you, Eddie. You’re now my favorite.”

“I thought we already established that?” Buck felt himself genuinely relaxing. While it had initially irritated him how well Eddie got along with his mother when they’d gone to Pennsylvania over the summer, he now found himself appreciating their easy rapport. How much easier it was to talk to his mother with Eddie around.

Which was in complete contrast to his father, who was standing off to the side, white-lipped.

Buck ruffled Christopher’s hair. “Hey, Harry and Denny have been waiting for you out in the yard. Something about a game of tag that only works with three people?”

Christopher nodded seriously. “Triangle tag.” He said, as if that explained everything. “Nice to meet you Rachel, Buck’s dad!” He called, hurrying away to the yard.

“He is such a cutie, Eddie.” Rachel gushed. Buck thought that she was probably a bit relieved that she didn’t have to interact with Christopher more - she was always happy to observe kids from a distance, but he knew spending one on one time with them made her uncomfortable. “Gosh those curls. Evan, remember when your hair was like that?”

“It still is.” Eddie interjected with amusement. “He just abuses it with product and cuts it too short.”

“I do not.” Buck objected. “Listen, it gets tangly if I let it curl, okay? Combine that with a fire helmet and it’s not a good look. Plus, I already have bad case of baby-face, if I let my hair go curly I look twelve.”

“Nah, your baby face is going away.” Eddie pointed out. “You’re starting to get old man worry lines.”

“Oh, _thanks a lot_ -”

“Everyone, presents in T-minus one minute, gather 'round!” Hen hollered from the patio.

They scrambled to get out there, but they weren’t quick enough because there were only two chairs left together, which they obviously let Buck’s parents take, leaving Buck to claim the chair next to Bobby while Eddie was sat almost exactly across from them, between Karen and Josh.

It took a couple minutes for Hen and Michael to wrangle the kids. When they did, Buck was slightly surprised that Christopher came over to him, an expectant look in his eyes.

“You wanna sit with me, bud?”

Christopher nodded an enthusiastic ‘yes’ and Buck pulled him into his lap, perching Chris so that he was balanced on his knee. He was probably getting a bit too big for this, but as long as Christopher wanted to Buck didn’t see a problem with it.

He did give an apologetic look at Eddie over Christopher’s head though, because he knew Eddie coveted his precious time with Chris and didn’t want to take away from that at all. Eddie shook his head with a small smile, that same frying-pan look on his face as before. Buck wasn’t entirely sure what that meant, but he didn’t seem to mind Buck taking up Christopher’s attention.

They picked up Eddie’s first, and even if Buck hadn’t brought it to the table himself he would’ve known whose it was because Christopher started incessantly nudging him to pay attention.

“Oh, that one looks interesting, I wonder what it is?” Buck feigned ignorance as Maddie started tearing at the packaging. “Hmm, I wonder, I wonder…”

“It’s a noise machine.” Christopher informed him, loud enough for Maddie to hear. He shot her a sheepish look but she pretended not to hear although Buck could tell by the curling of her lips that she had.

“Oh look, a _noise machine_.” Maddie exclaimed with fake surprise. “Thanks Eddie and Christopher this is lovely.”

“It also doubles as a night light, it projects stars and onto the ceiling.” Eddie explained, rubbing the back of his neck. “I know it’s not _exactly_ the one on your registry, but I know Christopher loved his as a baby and -”

“It’s perfect man, thank you.” Chimney assured him.

The gift-giving was entertaining, mostly because everyone seemed to be either competing to see who could make Maddie cry the most with their heartfelt cards, or make Chimney laugh with their terrible puns.

Buck was pretty sure he had it in the bag though, at least on the Maddie front.

His present was only a card with no accompanying box, so he knew instantly when they got to it.

“This one’s mine,” He whispered to Christopher, bumping his leg up a little and making Chris laugh.

Chimney snorted as he read the outside of the card over Maddie’s shoulder. “ _Holy guacamole, you’re going avo baby_.” He shook his head at Buck in mock disappointment. “That’s truly awful.”

“Thanks.” Buck replied, grinning. “Now open it.”

“Don’t rush me.” Maddie sniffed, somehow already tearing up over the terrible pun. She flipped open the card, reading aloud. “ _Dear Maddie and Chim. I’m not going to get too sappy in this card because I’m going to save that for when I inevitably cry at the hospital-”_

“Awww.”

“Chim, shhh _.”_ Maddie continued reading: “ _But I am so excited for you guys to be parents, you’re going to do an amazing job. But I’m sure that every once in a while you’re going to need a break so my present to you is that whenever you need it, day or night, just call me and I will drop everything to come babysit for you guys. I don’t care if I have to lie to Bobby and claim I’m having a family emergency, I’ll do it. He’ll never know.”_

That got a round of laughs from the circle, which only increased when Bobby lightly smacked Buck on the back of the head.

 _“I’ll always be happy to do it, because you are two of my favorite people. Just don’t be jealous when I end up loving your daughter more than I love you guys -_ shit.” Maddie wiped at her eyes, and Chimney squeezed her with the arm that was already her shoulders. _“P.s. Look in the envelope.”_

Maddie reached into the envelope, to pull out the picture of the glider, and her mouth dropped open in delight. “Oh, you actually got the glider!” She exclaimed.

“I figured it would be obnoxious to cart it into the party and make you bring it back to your apartment, so it’s getting delivered to your apartment next weekend.” Buck told her. “Also I hope you’re prepared for me to monopolize it whenever I come over.”

Maddie stood up and waddled her way over, engulfing both him and Christopher in a hug. “Thanks, Ev. You’re going to be such a good uncle.” She whispered into his ear. “I’m lucky to have you.”

“We’re lucky to have each other.” He whispered back, giving her an affectionate squeeze.

The Lees ended up being the ones who’d gotten the stroller, while Bobby and Athena had claimed the crib. Buck wasn’t sure what his mom thought of that, but he was pleased that she had in fact taken his advice and gotten Maddie a diaper bag. It was _nice_ diaper bag, and his mom had taken the time to pre-stock it with all the supplies that apparently would typically go in a diaper bag for a newborn baby.

Maddie pulled out a shirt that was decidedly _not_ for a newborn baby and quirked an eyebrow at it. “What’s this?”

“That’s for you.” Rachel explained wryly. “If your daughter is anything like you were, she’ll be a spit-up machine. Always be prepared with a second shirt.”

That elicited a round of laughter from everyone, which Rachel looked surprised by for a second. Then she flushed, pleased.

“Thank you mom.” Maddie said genuinely, wiping her eyes for the umpteenth time. She looked really happy, and Buck felt like his heart was going to expand out of his chest.

After the gift giving was over and the party had resumed again, Buck made sure to pull Eddie aside. “You were right.” He told him, positively brimming with glee. He nodded across the patio, where Maddie and his mom were engaged in a quiet (but, judging by their nervous smiles, nice) conversation. “Inviting my mom was a good idea. So thanks.”

“Does this mean you’ll actually listen to my ideas from now on?” Eddie teased. “Why do I feel like we’ve been here before.”

“Hey I never said you don’t normally have good ideas!” Buck protested. “Why do you think I come to you for advice?”

“And yet getting you to listen to them is always such a struggle.”

“Well I can’t just give it up that easy. Gotta make you work for it.”

 _Fuck_. He didn’t mean for that to sound so flirty. He was bantering with Eddie like normal and the flirt just jumped out. Was his brain still broken? Or maybe… maybe this was normally how their banter sounded, but he was just _noticing_ how flirty it was because he was more attuned to it now that he knew Eddie was bisexual and that had apparently broken Buck’s brain.

Except, now Eddie was apparently _noticing_ because he was looking at Buck with raised eyebrows and Buck wasn’t sure if it was because he too thought that sounded inappropriately flirty, or he was just reacting to the fact that Buck had completely frozen.

“Uh.” Once again, Buck turned to Chris for the rescue and grabbed Christopher’s empty drink. “I’m just gonna… go refill this.”

And retreated to the kitchen, like a goddamn coward.

* * *

Fortunately, everyone was outside so Buck was able to steal a few minutes to himself to gather his thoughts.

Well, maybe he would need more than a few minutes, because his thoughts were all over the fucking place.

So first he’d acted like a clumsy asshole for a whole shift whenever Eddie was around. Then he’d caressed Eddie’s face and was actually briefly _disappointed_ when Eddie didn’t kiss him. He’d wondered if Eddie was attracted to him. Then he’d started having inappropriate thoughts about pushing Eddie against counters while his son was _right there._

And he was pretty sure he had just flirted with Eddie.

Buck refilled Christopher’s glass, then grabbed one for himself and downed it. He wasn’t even drunk, he’d had maybe one and a half beers, but maybe the heat was getting to him. Heat madness, that was a thing wasn’t it?

He was just pulling out his phone to google heat madness, when he heard footsteps approaching.

 _Please, don’t be Eddie_.

Buck looked up. Not Eddie. He sort of wished it was, honestly.

“Hey.” He greeted his dad, then was lost for words. The last time they’d talked, he’d been sliding a check for five thousand dollars across the table (a check that infuriatingly still hadn’t been cashed). He’d also been telling his dad he didn’t want him to live in the same city as him.

So yeah, he wasn’t sure what to say. He also wasn’t sure why his dad had followed him in here, but Buck was willing to bet he wasn’t going to be thrilled with the reason.

His dad didn’t greet him back, just folded his arms and looked at him with that patented Thomas Buckley judgement. The look that always seemed to ask _why are you here?_ and _you’re wasting my time_.

Which was crazy. His dad was the one who had followed him here, not the other way around.

Buck cleared his throat, wishing that he could clear the tension as easily. “Are you… enjoying the party?” He asked awkwardly, but what else was he going to say? _Why haven’t you cashed that check? Are you guys still moving here? Are you ever going to properly thank me for saving your ungrateful life?_

“It’s fine. We don’t really know anyone.”

“Well this is a great opportunity to meet them.”

“You haven’t exactly been introducing us.”

 _What was I supposed to do, announce your arrival with atrumpet? This party isn’t fucking about you._ “I introduced you to Christopher.”

Something shifted in his dad’s expression, and Buck was suddenly distinctly aware that for whatever reason, _that_ was the opening his father had been looking for. “You’re very… close with that boy.”

There was that _tone_. That judgement that never failed to make his stomach feel like it was going to swallow him whole. The one that said _You’re irresponsible, Evan. You can’t be trusted. I don’t have time for your shit._

But it didn’t make any sense here. Because Buck knew that his relationship with Christopher was the best part of him. The way that Christopher trusted him, loved him… he didn’t think he necessarily deserved it, but it was the greatest accomplishment of Buck’s life. Why the hell would his dad be judging him for it?

“Of course I am.” Buck kept his own tone even. “He’s my best friend’s kid. He’s important to me.”

There was a look on his father’s face that Buck really didn’t like. It was almost like he was warning him. “You should be careful, Evan. He’s not your son, you shouldn’t treat him like he is.”

What the - what the actual _fuck?_

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way I treat Christopher.” Buck defended, his chest tight. “Who - who the hell do you think you are?”

“I am your father -”

“ _Barely_.”

“- and I saw the way that Eddie was watching you with Christopher. He was uncomfortable.”

W-what?” Buck asked weakly, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of him. “That’s - that’s not true. Eddie trusts me with Chris. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I was watching him when Maddie was opening her presents. He was uncomfortable with you holding Christopher, he’s probably just too nice to say anything.” Thomas said flatly. “And a child that age is too old to be sitting in someone’s lap. You need to be careful, or people will get the wrong impression.”

The _wrong impression_.

Buck reeled back, like he’d been sucker-punched. Actually, it would’ve probably hurt less if his dad had punched him. “Are you - you can’t be _serious_.”

“Evan-”

“No!” He raised his voice, distantly aware that he was almost shouting, but he didn’t care. He was so furious, so devastated. “How can you possibly say that to me? How can you even think that’s okay? After - you don’t have the fucking _right_ -”

“I have every right, I’m your _father_ -”

“No you’re not!” Now Buck was shouting. “You’re not my father! Not in any way that fucking counted, that I _needed_. You were _more than happy_ to push me off to _Benji_ so you didn’t have to deal with me. And I - I _told you_ I didn’t want to stay there. But you just left me there! You just fucked off to Hawaii and didn’t listen to me because you were afraid of missing your flight.”

Thomas opened his mouth to say something, but Buck wasn’t even _close_ to being finished.

“I hope you guys had fun with your moonlight walks on the beach and your fucking _massages_.” He sneered, feeling white-hot hate burning in his gut. “I was too scared to sleep that whole week, even with the door locked. Turns out that didn’t fucking matter because when I actually needed to keep him out, he had a key. Were you guys enjoying a nice romantic sunset when he was beating the shit out of me? And not that you’ll _believe_ me anyway, but that wasn’t all he would’ve done. If I hadn’t - he would’ve - he was gonna -”

His vision was starting to blur around the edges. Suddenly there wasn’t enough air in the room. That didn’t make sense, because the door was open to the patio. But there wasn’t enough air, and Buck couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t -

Suddenly his dad was touching him and Buck violently shoved him away so that he stumbled back. “Don’t _touch_ me.” He tried to hiss, but it was closer to a sob. “D-don’t.”

His throat was closed off and he was choking. The pressure against his throat was blinding and everything hurt so fucking bad. Buck’s hands flew to his neck expecting to feel fingers there, needing to peel them away, maybe break one if he could, anything to just get a little relief -

“Buck.” A clear voice cut through the fog. “Hey Buck, I need you to focus on my voice, okay?”

Was that… was that _Bobby_? Why was - how was Bobby here?

“Buck it’s, Bobby, I need you to focus on my voice, kid.” Bobby said, almost in response to Buck’s thoughts. Or maybe he’d said them aloud. “Focus on my voice, and take a deep breath for me, okay? We’re gonna count, okay? One, two, three, four … now exhale. One, two, three, four. Now inhale…”

He was breathing. He could breathe. No one’s hands were around his throat. He was okay.

After several more deep breaths, Buck opened his eyes. The angles were weird and it took him a moment to realize that he was sitting on Bobby and Athena’s kitchen floor. He would’ve been embarrassed, but he was too tired to feel much of anything other than exhaustion.

Bobby was crouching down next to him. When Buck met his eyes, his captain smiled at him. “Hey, there you are.” He said lightly, like Buck hadn’t just had a panic attack in his kitchen at Maddie and Chimney’s baby shower. “You’re okay. You’re safe.”

He was safe. Bobby was here. Buck’s hand shot out and he grabbed tightly onto Bobby’s arm, wordlessly begging him not to leave.

Bobby nodded at him in understanding, then looked over his shoulder to… Thomas.

Fuck, his dad was still here. He’d watched Buck have a panic attack. That thought made him feel suddenly so vulnerable. He hated that he’d let his dad see him like that.

“I think you should go.” Bobby said in a tone that wasn’t a suggestion.

Buck couldn’t really see his dad’s face (that would’ve required him to actually move his head an look up and Buck didn’t feel up to doing that quite yet), but he saw Thomas’s body shift. He was balking at the command. “Who are you to-”

“This is my house, and you are no longer welcome.” Bobby’s voice was still commanding even though he was crouching down on the floor in an apron that said 'Kiss the Chef.’ “Please leave before my wife is forced to escort you out.”

“I’ll let your wife know it’s time to leave.” Athena’s voice floated over, and great. Athena was also bearing witness to this. That wasn’t nearly as awful as his dad seeing him, but Buck wasn’t thrilled about it.

The threat of Athena was apparently enough to convince his dad, because Buck watched his father’s legs leave the room.

Maybe forty-five seconds later, he heard the front door slam shut.

“Sorry.” Buck muttered, rubbing a hand across his face as the tension left his body and he deflated like a balloon. “Shit, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.”

“No, I - shit, that was really embarrassing. I can’t believe I got into a fight with my dad at Maddie’s shower.” The thought suddenly occurred to him - Buck had been yelling at his dad, the door had been open and Bobby was _here_ , and all that together meant. “Oh god - could you guys hear me? All the stuff I was yelling-”

“No.” Bobby quickly assured him. “We could hear you guys arguing but couldn’t tell what you were saying. I came in and shut the door behind me before you started to yell. I don’t think anyone else heard what you said.”

Anyone _else_. Meaning Bobby had. Bobby, who knew that Buck’s uncle had nearly killed him, but didn’t have any of the other details. Would he just assume that Buck had been saying that Benji was trying to kill him?

Or would he put the pieces together.

Mostly, Buck just hoped that Bobby hadn’t heard the part where his father - his _own father_ \- had implied that his relationship with Christopher was… inappropriate. That he made Eddie uncomfortable. That he was too close to Chris.

He tried to remind himself that his father didn’t know a damn thing. Not about Buck, not about Eddie, or Chris, and certainly not about what a healthy relationship with a kid was supposed to look like.

But… it wasn’t like Buck knew what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like either.

“Do you want me to get anyone?” Bobby was saying. “Maddie or Eddie? Or Christopher -”

“No.” Buck insisted quickly. “No, no Christopher. Or - don’t get anyone. I just want to go home.”

Bobby gave him a flat look. “Buck, if you think I’m letting you get behind the wheel of a car right now -”

“I’ll call a Lyft.” He promised. “I can - can I leave my car here and pick it up later? I just, I want to be alone right now.”

“Are you sure?”

No. He didn’t really want to be alone. But he also didn’t want to be around anyone. Didn’t think he could look anyone in the eye, not so soon after the revelation that his dad thought he was so screwed up that he’d actually do anything to ever hurt a kid.

Didn’t want to wonder if they agreed with his dad.

Bobby looked at him long and hard, before finally sighing and backing off. “I can’t stop you.” He admitted, but he didn’t sound happy about it. “And yes, of course you can leave your car here. Pick it up whenever you want.”

“Thanks Bobby.”

“It’s literal no trouble.” Bobby said, standing up and offering Buck a hand.

Buck took it, but didn’t release it when he stood. “No, _thank you_.” He repeated. “For - y’know. Helping me. And intervening, getting my dad out.”

“Buck you don’t have to thank me for that. I wasn’t going to let him stay here, not when him being here upset you so badly.”

Bobby sounded disgusted and in spite of everything, Buck found himself needing to defend his dad. “He’s not a bad person.” He told Bobby quietly. “He’s just… he wasn’t a good father. Or any kind of father at all, really. My mom didn’t always like me, but I knew she loved me.”

He shrugged, feeling that old familiar clawing emptiness. “My dad… I don’t know. I really don’t know if he ever even loved me.”

* * *

_Two weeks after he dropped his son off, Thomas Buckley pulled back into the Ryder residence._

_This time he didn't pause in the car. He barely even parked before he jumped out and started banging on the front door._

_Jenny Ryder pulled open the door. Her face went white when she saw him but before she could slam the door he pushed past her._

_"Where is that son of a bitch?"_

_"Thomas, you can't be here!"_

_"I know he's out on bail, where the fuck is he?"_

_"Get out before I call the cops."_

_Thomas laughed wildly. He'd never felt so out of control before._

_"The cops. You really want to call the cops to protect your pedophile husband?"_

_Jenny flinched back like he'd hit her. "My_ what _? Thomas - what the - you can't say shit like that."_

 _"Benji get the fuck down here!" Thomas screamed into the house that he_ knew _wasn't empty. He'd gotten the call at the hospital and come straight here. The CPS officer was still straightening Evan's statement out, they hadn't gotten a chance to press the additional charges. And in that small window of time, somehow, Benji had gotten out on bail._

_But, it gave Thomas an opportunity to fucking kill him, so he wasn't complaining._

_"Thomas, I'm calling 9-1-1."_

_"You're really going to let your wife fight your battles for you, you sick fuck?"_

_"Thomas, I don't know what the hell you're talking about, but it was an accident!" Jenny's hands were shaking as she held onto the phone. "I know you're upset, I'm upset, and I really don't want to call the cops on you because I know that's not what your family needs right now. But you're scaring me."_

_"I don't give a shit, you stupid-"_

_"Hey!"_

_Thomas whipped around to see Benji standing in the doorway to the garage. He looked like a wreck - like he hadn't eaten or slept all week. Like he'd been through hell and back. Thomas felt no sympathy for him - for this fully grown man who was fifty pounds and four inches taller than his kid._

_"You can't talk to her like that -" Benji was saying, but then Thomas was on him, knocking him down with a force that he didn't know he was capable of before now._

_"You put your fucking hands on my kid?" He seethed, pinning Benji to the ground. In the background he could hear Jenny screaming frantically into the phone, but he didn't give a shit._

_"I'm sorry - Thomas I'm sorry." Benji was fucking crying. "I was drunk, and I don't know what happened. I swear. I didn't mean to hurt him, I don't even remember it."_

_Thomas shoved his forearm against Benji's throat. "That is not what I'm talking about and you fucking know it." He hissed. "He told me what you did, you sick piece of fucking shit."_

_For the first time, a look of utter horror passed across Benji's face. He knew what Thomas was saying. He knew. He fucking did it._

_"I left him with you!" He screamed, pushing his forearm harder. "You piece of shit I trusted you. You - that's my kid. You hurt my kid. I should kill you. I should kill you."_

_"Thomas, please." Jenny was screaming, pulling on him now even as faintly in the distance he could hear the 9-1-1 operator telling her to get out of the house. "Please stop. Please, you're killing him."_

_"He deserves it! I trusted you! I -" It was like the wind had been knocked out of him._

_He'd trusted Benji._

_How many times had he dropped Evan off with him? How many times had he felt relieved when he'd done it, knowing that someone else was going to deal with his energy._

_Evan had said it only happened once, but Thomas didn't know what to think anymore. Who knows what else Benji had done. What he'd been thinking that whole time - for six years. Since they'd moved in when Evan was seven until he stopped coming over here at thirteen. How long had Benji been looking after his child and thinking about hurting him?_

_And Thomas had - he'd dropped him off here two weeks ago. Had all but army-marched Evan into the house. Had refused to listen to Evan's protests and forced him to spend a week with his_ rapist _._

_Who had then nearly killed him._

_The worst part of all of it?_

_He had_ asked. _There had been a moment where he asked Evan to explain._

_And Evan hadn't trusted his own father enough to tell him._

_Because Thomas had completely failed him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs:  
> Bad parenting  
> Referenced and discussed past sexual assault of a minor  
> Referenced and discussed past abuse of a minor  
> Referenced and discussed past strangulation/attempted murder of a minor  
> Panic attack that involves a flashback of past strangulation  
> False accusations of unhealthy relationship with a child


	6. Safe place to land

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Listen, I know you’re upset because you’re in a fight with Dad -”
> 
> “I’m not in a fight with Dad. A fight would imply that we actually ever talk to each other.”
> 
> “Fine, I know you’re upset with Dad. And I know it’s because of something he said at the baby shower, so just talk to me so that I can tell you he’s wrong and you can stop sulking.”
> 
> Buck balked at word ‘sulking.’ As if he were eleven, and he was just throwing a temper tantrum about nobody wanting to take him to the latest Lord of the Rings movie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet again I tried to wrangle a chapter, and yet again it sprouted legs and ran away from me.

There were times when Buck really appreciated how at home Maddie made herself at his apartment. It made him feel like it wasn't just a place to crash - like it belonged to more than just him, which gave him a sense of belonging in return.

Tonight, when Maddie barged in unannounced at ten pm, stalked across the apartment, and ripped Buck’s headset off his ears while he was in the midst of a campaign, was not one of those times.

“Hey!” He griped at her, feeling like he was eleven and she had just barged into his room without an invitation. “I’m in the middle of -”

“I don’t care.” Maddie seized his controller from him and tossed it to the other end of the couch. “What the hell is going on with you?”

“What’s going on with _me_?” Buck accused, reaching across to grab the controller from the other end of the couch - but, no, _shit_ , it was too late, he took a bullet to the head and died. “I’m not the one busting into _your_ apartment-”

“After you ignored my messages all day.” Maddie scowled when she saw that he had turned his attention back to the screen. “ _Seriously_ , Buck? I’m trying to talk to you.”

“I don’t remember inviting you in.” He had just been killed thanks to Maddie, which was part of the reason why Buck felt justified acting like an asshole as he waited to re-spawn. “I’m in the middle of a game, you can have my full attention when it’s done.”

“Can’t you just pause it?”

Buck sighed heavily. Maddie had never touched a video game controller in her life. Their parents hadn’t let them play and unlike Buck’s friends, Maddie’s friends never played video games when they got together. “It doesn’t work like that, Mads.”

“Okay, well I’m just going to talk to you while you play then.”

“Can’t promise I’ll pay attention, but knock yourself out.”

“Why are you being an asshole?” Buck opened his mouth, ready to defend himself, before Maddie continued, “I don’t mean right _now,_ I mean in general. You’re not answering texts, you’re ignoring people, Chimney says you’ve been moping around the station all week.”

In spite of his best efforts not to pay attention to Maddie and to focus on the game, Buck felt a twinge of irritation at her words. “Hey, do you remember what I said when you and Chimney started dating? I said: _fine, you can date my coworker but you’re not allowed to gang up on me._ Do you remember that?”

“No, I remember you _telling_ us that we were dating when we weren’t, and making things super awkward between us for like a week.”

“But _after_ that, I said: _fine, you can date my coworker, but you’re not allowed to-”_

“Nuh-uh, you’re not going to change the subject.” Maddie sat down heavily on the couch and in spite of his irritation Buck moved aside to make sure she had enough room to be comfortable. She really did look like she was about to give birth at any second. “Listen, I know you’re upset because you’re in a fight with Dad -”

Buck scoffed. “I’m not in a fight with Dad. A fight would imply that we actually ever talk to each other.”

“Fine, I know you’re _upset_ with Dad.” Even if he wasn’t looking at her face, Buck could _feel_ epic Maddie’s eye-roll. “And I know it’s because of something he said at the baby shower, so just talk to me so that I can tell you he’s wrong and you can stop sulking.”

Buck balked at word ‘sulking.’ As if he really _was_ eleven, and he was just throwing a temper tantrum about nobody wanting to take him to the latest _Lord of the Rings_ movie.

It had been a week since the baby shower and no, he wasn’t sulking. He hadn’t been hiding under the covers and refusing to go to work, he’d been doing his job without any complaint and when he was there he still hung out with everyone. Maybe he wasn’t exactly his normal chipper self, but he was allowed to have an off-week, okay?

“Maddie I don’t want to talk about it.” Buck ground out, trying to channel his aggression into destroying the enemy player he’d managed to sneak up on. “So either drop it, or-”

Infuriatingly, Maddie not only did not drop it, but she went so far as to grab the remote and turn off the tv, just as he was about to finish off the kill.

“Hey!”

“Buck, look at me.” He threw the controller down on the coffee table and turned to glare at her. Maddie did not let it faze her. “I get why you don’t want to let your family crap invade your life. I get why you don’t want to talk about it with anyone from your team. But I’m not them. I’m your sister, and that makes your family crap _our_ family crap. And you know I’m not going to try to push you to fix anything with Dad that you don’t want to. I just -” Maddie reached her hand out to put it over his. “I’m on your side, but I can’t help if I don’t know what’s going on.”

He looked down at their hands. He could remember a time when her hand had seemed so large compared to his, and he couldn’t imagine his own hands ever being that big. Now her palm looked tiny on top of his.

Buck turned his palm over and interlaced their fingers, giving her a soft apologetic squeeze.

“You’re probably going to think I’m overreacting.”

“I’ll be the judge of that. Besides, it’s Dad. He really does have that special way of making you feel like shit.”

Buck gave a quiet snort. “Yeah, he really does.” He squeezed her hand a little tighter and admitted, “At the baby shower, he told me that I needed to be careful with Christopher. That people might _misunderstand_ our relationship.”

Maddie’s brow furrowed. Whatever she had been expecting, it had clearly not been that. “I don’t understand. What does that even mean?”

“He said that I shouldn’t have let him sit on my lap, that Eddie looked uncomfortable. I think his exact words were that ‘people might get the _wrong impression_.’” Buck felt the words burn as they came up through his throat. He felt sick even saying them, and he just wanted to go back in time and shut his father up before he ever had the chance to utter them into existence.

Maddie’s mouth drop incrementally as Buck went on with his reveal. She looked about as sick as he felt, and Buck felt horrible from dragging her down into this dark place with him.

“Buck, I -” She hesitated, clearly struggling with finding the right words, and Buck tried to brace himself for the possibility that she was going to say something along the lines of _Actually, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that… I know you’d never hurt Christopher but you should maybe back off… you’re overstepping and Eddie doesn’t know how to tell you…_

Instead Maddie said, her voice wavering like she was about to cry:“You know that Dad doesn’t know shit, right?”

Buck blinked, having not anticipated this abrupt curveball. “Um, I guess?”

Now Maddie was the one squeezing their hands together. “He doesn’t.” Her voice was low, watery, and fierce. “He doesn’t know you, he doesn’t know Eddie, and he doesn’t know a god - damn - _t_ _hing_ about your relationship with Christopher. I - sorry,” She wiped at her eyes. “I’m sorry, I’m just so pissed.”

“At Dad?” Buck asked, trying not to let the creeping feeling of relief turn into tears of his own.

“Yeah - of course!” Maddie stared at him like he’d just announced his intention to abandon his life and become a circus performer. “Oh my god - Buck, you’ve gotta be kidding. You can’t have possibly thought I’d agree with him.”

“Well, no.” He said, feeling stupid now. It seemed obvious when he was actually talking to Maddie about it instead of envisioning her reaction in his head. “Not out _loud_ ,” He hedged, holding up a hand when Maddie flinched back from him in outrage. “Hold on, I just mean that I could see you thinking that maybe I needed to take a step back, because maybe it’s not weird to you because you know me and you get how much Christopher means to me, y’know after the Tsunami and everything, but maybe to people on the outside they might think that it’s - that it’s weird.” He trailed off lamely, because Maddie had that _Buck you’re a dumbass-and-a-half_ expression on her face and it was only growing the longer he continued talking.

Maddie opened and closed her mouth several times before she was able to get a sound out. “Okay, _first_ of all?” She said with her sassiest tone, raising a finger to boot. “If anyone thinks that, then fuck them.”

Buck couldn’t help himself, he grinned. “ _Madeline_.” He sang back to her, in his best Rachel Buckley impression.

“Shut up, I’m being serious.” Maddie clearly wasn’t in the mood. “Buck, what you have with that little boy is special and if anyone ever looked at that and thought that it was something anything less than amazing, then that’s on them and their own issues. Seriously, if anyone ever tries to make you feel bad about your relationship with Christopher, I might punch them in the face.”

A warm, safe feeling enveloped Buck like a blanket, and he nearly sagged in relief. Because even if other people didn’t agree, he was glad to know that at least Maddie seemed to understand how important Christopher was to him. “Does that mean you’re going to punch Dad in the face?” Buck asked, mostly kidding.

“I just might. Because _second_ , I have no idea where the hell he got that bullshit about Eddie being uncomfortable with Christopher sitting with you. Eddie wouldn’t let someone he didn’t trust within ten feet of his kid, but he lets you basically have free reign with him.”

In spite of himself, Buck found himself arguing with her, “Okay, but that’s what _I_ said, I told him he didn’t know what he was talking about and Dad insisted that he was watching Eddie and he looked uncomfortable.”

“Buck.” Maddie sighed at him, exasperated. “It’s _Eddie_. I almost never have any idea what he’s thinking or feeling. He’s almost impossible to read.”

“That’s not true,” Buck felt defensive of Eddie, because he knew that Eddie got that a lot. Sure, Eddie wasn’t the most expressive individual with his facial features, but you could read how he was feeling if you looked closely at his eyes. “I can usually tell what he’s thinking.”

“Then why do you think Dad knows Eddie better than you do?” Maddie shot back as quickly as an Olympic table tennis player returning a serve.

“I -” That was a good point. His father definitely didn’t know Eddie better than Buck did.

So then why was he letting what Thomas said get to him?

“I’m worried he’s right.” Buck admitted, holding up a hand again when Maddie immediately started to argue. “No, just let me finish. Obviously I’d never do anything to hurt Christopher. Not intentionally. But I - I _lost_ him, Maddie.” His voice broke a little, remembering those hours of pure terror in the aftermath of the Tsunami, wandering the destroyed streets of Santa Monica, screaming desperately into the void that had swallowed Christopher whole. “And Eddie just… he overlooked that. He forgave me for that. And then he forgave me for abandoning them during the lawsuit.”

“Because he trusts you.” Maddie told him, her eyes wide and insistent. “And you _saved_ Christopher.”

Buck shrugged. He didn't agree.

If he ran into a burning building and pulled someone out of a room away from a fire, only to lose them later, then that didn’t count as saving. It was only a save when you got them out, handed them off to the paramedics or the doctors at the hospital door.

His only job during that Tsunami, the only thing that had mattered, had been to keep Christopher _safe_. But he’d let his stupid hero complex get in the way of that, he’d forgotten that his job right then wasn’t to be a firefighter: it was to protect Christopher. And during a dangerous moment he’d turned his back on Christopher in order to help someone else.

That had proven what Buck had always been afraid of - that he wasn’t cut out to look after a child. He couldn’t even handle one day of stepping into that role. When Christopher had needed him most, Buck had failed him. It was a miracle Christopher didn’t hate him for it.

But that wasn’t the narrative everyone had decided on. They’d all decided not to blame Buck for it so that he wouldn’t feel bad and Buck was too tired to fight them on it anymore.

And it wasn’t really the point anyway.

“Eddie knows. About Benji.” Which wasn’t news to Maddie, Buck was sure she had figured as much when Eddie came with him to Pennsylvania. He’d just never actually told her straight up. “And he’s met our parents, he’s met _Dad_. He knows they sucked. He knows that my examples of what it means to be a male role model to a kid are pretty fucked up. So maybe before he could excuse my fuck ups as just mistakes. But now he knows that they’re not just flukes - I honestly have no idea what I’m doing. Letting Christopher spend so much time with me is risky and Eddie doesn’t take risks. Not when Christopher’s involved.”

Maddie looked furious again, though this time her eyes were watery. “But - you’re contradicting yourself. If Eddie thought having you around Christopher was risky why would he let you spend so much time with him?”

“Because he already messed up and let Christopher get attached to me!” It was so clear to Buck what was happening, he didn’t understand why Maddie was having a hard time grasping the situation. “He did that _before_ he knew, and now he can’t just cut me off because that wouldn’t be fair to Christopher. So he’s just going to let it happen naturally, like when he finally moves past Shannon and starts dating someone and eventually Christopher will get attached to her instead and they’ll be this cute healthy family unit and I’ll be alone until I can find someone else to leech affection off of -”

“ _Woah,_ Buck what the hell?” Maddie interrupted his spiral, appalled. “Where is this coming from? Since when are you a leech?”

He waved his hand vaguely, bringing it up to his face to wipe at his nose. Maddie made a face at that, reaching across the coffee table to grab the box of tissues.

“Here.” She instructed as she handed him a tissue, then grabbed one of her own to wipe at her eyes. “Use that, and then I want you to listen to me.”

Buck followed her orders, blowing his runny nose and then grabbing another one to rub his eyes. He hadn’t even realized he’d been crying.

When he was done, Maddie looked wrecked but determined. “ _You are not a leech._ ” She told him fiercely, grabbing his hand again and shaking it gently. “Okay? I know that it’s hard, living by yourself and not feeling like you have anyone, but that’s not true. We all love you and you’re definitely not a leech. In fact you’re the opposite - you’re like… like the sun, and we’re all orbiting around you.”

That was so cheesy and ridiculous that Buck had to roll his eyes. “Oh, come on Maddie-”

“No, I’m being serious. If I hadn’t come here, if I hadn’t run here _to you_ and you’d convinced me that I could stay and get a life here - if you hadn’t gotten me my job, I don’t know where I’d be. I would’ve never met Howie if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have -” Her lip trembled as she rested her hand on her stomach, rubbing at it. “I wouldn’t have anything. And Bobby - he was a mess before you joined the team. He was completely closed off and wouldn’t let anyone in but you just broke down his walls.”

“Hen and Chim did too.”

“Right, but they’d worked with him for over a year before you came along.” Maddie reminded him. “Chimney says Bobby had a soft spot for you right away and without you he doesn’t know if they would’ve ever been able to get Bobby to open up. Maybe they would’ve eventually gotten through to Bobby but… maybe by then Athena would’ve found someone else. You helped Bobby move on with his life, and now he has a beautiful family.”

And then Buck had thrown that back in Bobby’s face during the lawsuit.

“ _You asked my client for his help that day, and that’s exactly what he did without hesitation.”..._ _“So isn’t the only difference between your off-duty relapse and Mr. Buckley’s that he actually did everything in his power to help you return to your job?”_

No matter how hard he tried, Buck just couldn’t shake Bobby’s disappointed face out of his head. Just another example of how he ruined everything around him with his selfishness, his desperate need to belong, to be back with his team without considering who he was harming in the process.

“And Eddie and Christopher.” Maddie was saying, unaware of the turn Buck’s thoughts had taken. “You went so out of your way to help them when you barely knew them. You introduced Eddie to Carla, you picked up Eddie’s shifts whenever he needed someone to cover, you always jumped at the chance to hang out with both of them, when most guys your age would’ve backed off when they realized that Eddie wasn’t going to be able to just be a fun drinking buddy.”

“But that was just me being selfish, Maddie.” Buck protested. “That was me forcing myself into Eddie and Christopher’s family because that’s what I do. I’m needy, and I take up people’s time, and I’m constantly demanding attention and validation and -”

“And _that_ is Dad talking so you need to stop that right now.”

“You always said I was annoying.”

“You’re my little brother, of course I thought you were annoying. But I never thought you were needy, Evan. You just wanted Mom and Dad to actually give you the attention they were supposed to.”

Buck shrugged. “You never seemed to have that problem.”

“I did. I just showed it differently. And -” Maddie hesitated, a flicker of uncertainty passing over her face. “And I _didn’t_ need them as much as you did. Because no one was hurting me. Not then, anyway.”

He couldn’t stop the sharp inhale that he sucked in abruptly as Maddie finally veered into the whirlpool at the center that they’d been circling this whole conversation.

They still didn’t talk about it. Not even after this summer. Buck didn’t know _how_ to talk to Maddie about it, not without dragging up all the guilt that was between them, on both sides. How much he’d resented her for leaving him behind, not knowing at the time just how toxic her relationship with Doug was.

And there was also the fact that… what had happened to Buck when he was a kid was such a long time ago and it was nowhere near as awful as what Maddie had gone through, which was still a freshly healing wound.

“No one was ‘hurting’ me.” Buck corrected, feeling his stomach tighten uncomfortably over the word. “I wasn’t - he didn’t abuse me, Maddie. It really was just the one time.”

That had been a question that had come up, repeatedly. If they did actually believe him about it actually happening, then they didn’t seem to believe that it was just one isolated incident.

“Twice.” Maddie said, her voice tight. “He hurt you twice. Just because one time was physical and the other...wasn’t.... it doesn’t discount either of them. And you _were_ hurting, for two years, without any of us knowing. When I think about you having to even be near him during that time, it just makes me so sick -”

“We stayed away from each other.” He could feel familiar panic rising up in his throat. Buck _hated_ talking about this. He hated even thinking about that period of time, the constant struggle of trying to outmaneuver his parents, figuring out alternate carpool arrangements on his own, finding out that they were planning on going out of town and scrambling to find someone to stay with so they didn’t just fall back on their default.

And he fucking _hated_ thinking about how relieved he’d be when, after all that would fall through, his parents would call Benji and Jenny and be told that _no we can’t look after Evan this time sorry about that!_ That awful feeling of almost _gratitude,_ knowing that Benji didn’t want to be around him.

“You shouldn’t have had to do that. Do you remember what you told me, when we were in the hospital?” Maddie’s face was white. “You said you were _relieved_ that he attacked you. I can remember exactly what you said.” Her hand was shaking on top of his. “You said ‘ _I’m just glad it’s over, I’m so tired Maddie_ ’.”

Oh god, had he? Buck had blocked out that whole night after he’d been pulled over, but he found himself abruptly thrown back there now. His vocal cords had been badly damaged and he’d barely been able to croak out a frantic plea to _not_ call his aunt and uncle while they were waiting for his parents to get a flight back, that they needed to call his sister instead.

Maddie had arrived at three o’clock in the morning and he’d broken down as soon as he saw her, his blanket of shock abruptly unraveling as soon as he was safe in his big sister’s arms. Buck didn’t remember exactly what he said, but he knew it had been enough that as soon as he came back to himself and his parents were there, a weary-looking CPS officer who _just had a few questions_ had shown up, and Buck had admitted that no, this was not the first time his uncle had hurt him.

With his mom there, her nails leaving angry red marks where they dug into her arms, he still hadn’t been able to bring himself to tell them exactly what had happened. Couldn’t explain it in any way that made sense, maybe because it still hadn’t made sense to him (still _didn’t,_ if he was being honest).

After about a week though he’d been able to work up the courage to tell them all of it.

He’d made his mom leave the room that time.

“Buck?” Maddie broke through his thoughts, making him realize how long he must have been sitting there in silence.

“I can’t - Maddie I can’t talk about this.” It made him feel so weak to admit it. But his head was already pounding from the stress of this conversation, and if they continued picking at this scab it was going to tear open and bleed out. “Just - not right now. Please.”

Maddie bit her lip, looking like she wanted to push. “Alright. But…”

He waited for the other shoe to drop.

“Buck, do you _ever_ talk about this?”

And there it was.

“What do you think that whole trip this summer was about?" Buck asked, feeling a guilt that weirdly reminded him of the times he'd been called out for not doing his homework. "I got closure - I talked to mom about it. And Eddie. _And_ Frank.” He’d talked more about it in that one month than he had for thirteen years.

“And are you still seeing Frank?” Maddie pressed. “Or did you come home and then go back to not talking about it again?”

“Well…” Buck thought about it, determined to prove her wrong. He’d been having weekly phone calls with his mom, but it hadn’t come up. He and Eddie hadn’t discussed it again.

He did have one follow-up session with Frank, mostly just to put a period on that chapter of his life. Frank _had_ said he thought Buck would benefit from further counseling, but he was a therapist so of course he’d said that. And when Buck had admitted that he didn’t feel entirely comfortable diving into it any deeper - not with Frank, who was too closely tied to his job, and his coworkers, and even his sister - Frank had given him a recommendation for a _Marriage and Family Therapist_ who was covered under his insurance and offered Buck a referral if he decided to pursue further treatment.

Buck hadn’t made that call.

He hadn't thrown the card away either.

“After I came back from Pennsylvania, I started having nightmares.” He admitted to Maddie. “I used to get them when I was a teenager. For the most part I stopped having them once I left home. Then after I started digging all that shit up, they came back. Once I stopped they got a little better - or at least, until Mom and Dad came here, and now -”

“Now you’re triggered.” Maddie said knowingly. And that was one thing that did make talking about this stuff with Maddie a little easier - she _did_ know. “That happened to me, too. Last year. I tried to push it to the side, to pretend it wasn’t affecting me. And then I nearly lost my job.”

Buck sighed, “Mads, it’s -”

“Different, I know, but it’s also not. Look, when you were younger and acting like it didn’t happen and you quit therapy, I wasn’t really there and I didn’t feel like it was my place to tell you what to do.”

“But now it is?”

“We’re so much closer than we were back then.” She smiled at him, her eyes doing that sparkly thing they did when she was happy and Buck unwittingly gave her a small smile back, which grew in size when she wrapped her pinky around his. “You and me - we’re siblings but I like to think that we’re also friends now and I know you well enough to tell you that I think you need to _deal_ with this, Buck.”

“It’s not that simple.” He balked at the phrasing: _deal with it._ “I can’t just - it’s not like when I hurt my leg, and I could go to PT and work on healing it and eventually it would just get better.”

“Actually, it’s _exactly_ like your leg.” Buck cocked his head in confusion. “Your leg still hurts sometimes, right? If you don’t do your stretches, or you land on it wrong?”

“Sure, yeah.”

“And if you hadn’t gone to PT, if you hadn’t put in the time to make sure it healed the right way, it would hurt a lot worse. Or it would’ve taken much longer. It might always hurt, it might eventually stop hurting, but it would’ve been a lot worse if you hadn’t put in the work. This is the same thing.”

“Except it’s all in my head.”

“Doesn’t mean it’s not real.”

Now he fully smiled. “Was that a Harry Potter reference?”

“Um, _yes_ , remember how I read you the first four books out loud?”

“I still have no idea how you actually to get all the way through the fourth book. That was a marathon.”

“Because I’m an actual saint.” Maddie yawned loudly, covering her mouth with the back of her hand. “I'm sorry.”

Buck checked his phone and his eyes widened, realizing how long they’d been sitting here talking. “No, _shit_ , it’s almost midnight. You should - crap, do you need me to drive you home? You shouldn’t be driving this late. Not when you’re this close to your due date.” He then realized, “You shouldn’t _have_ driven over here this late.”

Maddie waved him off. “Chimney drove me.”

“And what, he’s just been chilling at the Denny’s around the corner this whole time?”

“No, he went home. I told him I was spending the night here.”

“You… are?” This was news to him.

“Yeah, we’re going to go up to your bed and we’re going to cuddle like we used to when you’d sneak into my room after Mom already put you to bed.”

Buck blushed furiously. “I was _eight_ , Maddie."

“And my pregnancy hormones are kicking into overdrive right now, and I just want to hug you and reminisce about how cute you were when you were a kid, and cry.” Maddie said frankly.

“Alright, now that’s bullshit, you can’t just use your pregnancy to get your way.” Buck scolded her, already standing and offering both hands to help Maddie up.

“I’m thirty-four weeks pregnant, I do what I want.” Maddie took both hands and Buck pulled her up with a surprising amount of effort. “Now help me up the stairs, so I don’t kill myself on them.”

“Yes ma’am.”

* * *

Maddie did, in fact, cry.

“Shut up.” She demanded as she felt him chuckle around her. “Stop making fun of me. I’m pregnant, I’m allowed to get emotional about stupid things.”

“I’m not - I’m _trying_ not to laugh. I swear.”

“You were just so _little_.” Maddie sniffed into his shoulder. “You were so little, and you fit so perfectly in my arms.”

“And now you’re little.”

“No!” She swatted one of his arms lightly. “I’m not little, you got big. And now our roles are reversed and I fit into your arms instead, and pretty soon I'll be holding my daughter and I’m emotional about it, okay?”

“Okay.” Buck rested his chin on her head, feeling warm and safe and _protected_ even though he was the one wrapped around her.

There was a soft _thump_ against his stomach, where Maddie’s belly was pressed, and Buck let out a surprised huff.

“You felt that?” Maddie murmured. “She’s been kicking a lot. I can’t believe she’s almost here.”

She sounded nervous. “You’re going to be so good, Mads.” Buck told her, squeezing her a little - but not _too_ tightly. “You’re gonna be such a good mom. You’re gonna be great.”

“You too.”

“I’m gonna be a good mom?”

“ _No-o_.” Maddie was nearly asleep, so her protest came out more like a whine. “You’re gonna be a good dad. You’re already - you’re great Buck. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not. We might not have had good parents, but we’re not like them.”

Buck kissed the top of her head softly. “Yeah.” He whispered, feeling her sink into sleep. “We’re not.”

* * *

In the morning, after Maddie left, Buck dug through his bedside table until he found the card that Frank had given him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs:  
> Discussion of past childhood sexual abuse, and the family dynamics surrounding it  
> General distorted self-blaming thinking as a result of said abuse, as well as a result of bad parenting  
> Brief recollection of events after a childhood physical assault  
> Mentions of past domestic abuse


	7. Ghosts and ghouls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie had never been successfully pranked at the 118. They’d decided that was unacceptable, and agreed to band together to pull off a prank against Eddie that Halloween. 
> 
> This wasn’t a secret to Eddie. It was never meant to be. They discussed it loudly and often in front of him, as a form of psychological warfare to torment him. 
> 
> Judging by the careful way that Eddie had been poking around every corner he turned all shift, it was working.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to divide up the chapter I've been working on into two sections (it was getting too long), so you may see the next chapter sooner than you think.
> 
> TWs at the end

Halloween was always a fun time at the 118. 

The first year, when Buck was still a green probie, he had found himself the victim of several pranks from the crew, mostly Hen and Chimney, which he now recognized as their way of welcoming him onto the squad. 

The next year, Bobby had upped the ante - the day after Buck and Eddie found the remains of that hiker on those cliffs, Buck had walked into the firehouse to find it _covered_ in ghosts, from cute plush ones, to ghostly jack-o-lanterns, to a horrifying jumpscare decorative ghost hiding in the stall of the bathroom that he accidentally decapitated out of fear when he went to go take a shit during his shift.

(Buck still maintained to this day that a ghost had called 9-1-1, because it was too weird of a coincidence okay?)

Last Halloween, which fell right around the time he came back to work following the lawsuit, was tense and not nearly as fun. Chimney had still gone out of his way to don a Jason mask and scare Buck while he was getting ready for work, which had made him jump a foot in the air and also made his heart swell with relief at the reminder that Hen was right: he _did_ have friends here. He also ended up making up not just with Eddie, but with Bobby as well during that shift, so all things considered it was not his worst Halloween to date.

This year, Buck was determined to have a good Halloween. After his pep-talk from Maddie he'd been working on pushing his "fight" with his father to the back of his mind. He still hadn't called the therapist Frank had recommended, but the card was sitting on his bedside table. He would call it when he was ready. 

Right now though, he was just focusing on how much he loved Halloween. He loved the crazy calls they went on, the candy that was everywhere around the station, the pranks everyone pulled on each other. Buck and Hen had just pulled a successful one off on Ari Greenblatt, their newest probie, where Hen swapped his coffee mug out for one with a fake tarantula in it while Buck distracted him. 

Buck smirked at the memory of the high-pitched scream Ari had unleashed when he saw the spider and smacked the mug off the table.

“What are you smiling about?” Eddie asked from where he was arranging a hay bale next to Buck, dire suspicion clouding his tone. 

“Oh, nothing.” Buck glanced around the station. “Awfully quiet here today, wouldn’t you say?”

Eddie gave him a dark look. He had never been successfully pranked at the 118. A few people had tried and failed, but they were no match for Eddie’s hypervigilance. It hadn’t really been a thing, until Chimney had pointed it out a couple months ago. They’d decided then and there that was unacceptable, and agreed to band together to pull off a prank against Eddie that Halloween. 

This wasn’t a secret to Eddie. It was never meant to be. They discussed it loudly and often in front of him, as a form of psychological warfare to torment him. 

Judging by the careful way that Eddie had been poking around every corner he turned all shift, it was working.

Eddie opened his mouth, about to respond, when the alarm sounded. 

“There’s the bell.” Buck dropped his bale and let out a low innocent whistle as he followed Eddie to the truck. “You getting in or what, Eddie?” He asked, holding back a laugh at the way Eddie was hesitating at the door to the engine, clearly unwilling to go first.

Eddie steeled himself and jerked open the door, bracing himself for…

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

“I hate all of you.” He muttered, shifting to the middle so that Buck could take the seat next to him.

* * *

**9-1-1 Operator:** **  
****_9-1-1, what’s your emergency?_ **

**Caller:** **  
****_*muffled screaming*_ **

**9-1-1 Operator:** **  
****_9-1-1, please tell me your emergency._ **

**Caller:** **  
****_The zombies! The zombies are on fire!_ ** **_  
_** **_Ahhhhhh!_ **

* * *

“Whatever happened to the Walking Dead?” Chimney mused as they all walked up to the scene. “It was such a big thing a few years ago. Is it still on? Do people still watch it?”

“Yes, but it’s deviated really far from the comics, and it’s not as good.” Hen replied sourly, causing everyone to look at her. “What?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you know something nerdy that Chimney doesn’t know.” Buck pointed out. 

“The Walking Dead comics aren’t _nerdy,_ Buck. They’re bestsellers. Besides, nerd culture is having a renaissance right now.”

“Woah, woah, did I say it was an insult?” He grinned at her, and Hen rolled her eyes in exaggerated aggravation. “I think you’re just _taking_ it as an insult.”

“Alright guys, focus up.” Bobby ordered, as they made it over the hill onto the scene. It was a knock-off Haunted Hayride, which meant cheaper building materials, cheaper costumes… and cheaper safety precautions. The 122 had arrived at the scene first, and Bobby approached their captain. “What’s the situation, Captain Deluca?

Sal Deluca regarded Bobby sourly as they approached, although he did give Hen and Chimney a curt nod of acknowledgement. Buck didn’t know much about him, except that he’d been at the 118 for years until Bobby got there, then was transferred shortly after. 

Whatever had happened, things were always a little icy between them, especially with Sal’s recent promotion to captain of the 122.

“One of the passengers apparently got spooked by a zombie character and lashed out on instinct. The cast member stumbled back and fell into a nearby flamebar, and their costume ignited. Several other cast members tried to assist, but their costumes ignited as well. They were all extinguished before my crew arrived, and we managed to put the structure fire out.” He hesitated, before admitting. “But we could use some help with triage. We’ve got a major burn victim left and more than a few cast members and customers were injured in the panic.”

“Will do.” Bobby nodded his head courteously at Sal, who just grunted.

“Chilly.” Hen muttered under her breath as Sal walked away and Chimney whistled between his teeth. 

Bobby took it in stride. “Hen, Chim you two check out that burn victim Captain Deluca mentioned. Everyone else, triage the minor injuries.”

Out of instinct, Buck found himself by Eddie’s side as they approached the victims. It was their default, it didn’t even need to be discussed.

They quickly made themselves useful, checking the spooked customers for injuries and treating the minor scrapes and bruises they found.

“You’re gonna be totally fine.” Buck assured the teenage girl whose ankle he was wrapping, flashing her a grin. “It’s gonna be sore for a couple days, but it’ll heal quickly. Just be sure to ice it for fifteen to twenty minutes every couple hours, and keep it elevated.”

“I’ve -” She hissed between her teeth, “I’ve got a game next weekend. Will I be okay to play?”

“That’ll be your call.” He told her. “If it feels fine, you should be good to play, but you should wrap it and don’t push yourself. That’ll just make it worse - trust me. What do you play?”

“Basketball.”

“Aww sweet, so did I. Have you rolled your ankle before?”

The girl didn’t answer verbally, just gritted her teeth and shook her head as he finished the wrap. 

“Lucky you. I used to roll my ankle all the time. You’re probably not as clumsy as I was though.” He admitted with a laugh, which Buck was pleased to hear the girl echo. He gave her his best reassuring smile. “Best advice I can offer is if it feels okay after a few days, don’t be afraid to put your weight on it so it doesn’t get too stiff. But before that, lots of ice and elevation.” He added, trying to channel Hen’s stern paramedic voice. 

“I will, I promise.”

“Hey Buck!” Buck’s head shot up and swiveled as he tried to hone in on the source. Like a magnet, his gaze snapped to Eddie, who was waving him down from across the dilapidated building. “I need your help over here.”

After checking that the teenage girl was all set, Buck jogged across, following Eddie around the corner to the back side of the small warehouse, the opposite side from where all the emergency vehicles were stationed.

There was a man sprawled unconscious on his stomach, with a giant plastic pumpkin pinning him down.

“Oh shit.” Buck rushed over, instinctively checking the man’s pulse and breathing. Both were good and he relaxed slightly. 

“I radioed for them to bring the ambulance around back, they should be here in a minute, but we need to get this thing off him ASAP.” Eddie told him. “He’s not bleeding anywhere and he doesn’t appear to be crushed, it’s just trapping him. Think he got knocked out by the top of it.”

Buck followed his nod to the ground to see the plastic pumpkin stem that was a few feet away from the man. “Got you. On three?” 

“One.” “Two.” “Three.”

Lifting it took some effort, it was heavier than it looked, and Buck winced in sympathy for their victim. It wasn’t exactly a ladder truck, but it definitely couldn’t be fun either. The good news was that they were quickly able to gain enough leverage to roll the pumpkin safely onto the ground, just as Hen and Chimney were bringing around the ambulance.

“A pumpkin? Seriously?” Chimney shut the driver door as Hen rushed up to check on the victim. 

“How did no one notice that they shoved this onto him?” Buck shook his head in dismay.

“They were panicking.” Eddie shrugged. “That survival instinct just kicks in and…” He snapped his fingers. “Everything else shuts down.”

“BP is stable, he should be good for transport. Looks like he only has bruising, but we should put him in a collar before we move him.” Hen announced, and Eddie ran off to grab one.

Chimney looked over at the pumpkin.

“Well, I guess you could say this was one...

“Don’t.” Hen begged him, not knowing what was coming next, but clearly knowing it was going to be groan-worthy.

“... _smashing_ pumpkin.”

“Oh god.” Eddie muttered, coming back to hand Hen the collar.

Buck cocked his head. Clearly there was a joke there, but he was missing it. “What?”

“Nevermind. Let’s lift him onto the board on three.”

* * *

By the time they got back the ~~monsters~~ children had been unleashed onto the station, climbing over all the hay bales Eddie and Buck had spent that morning carefully arranging, rubbing their greasy fingers over the carefully polished fire engines, and throwing elbows to get to the front of the candy line.

Look, Buck loved kids. Really, ask anyone. But he’d been stuck at the station all Halloween shift last year and he could attest that there was just something about Halloween that turned kids _evil._

Case in point: out of the corner of his eye, Buck spotted Ari the probie struggling over at the candy table, trying and failing to keep the hellions at bay as they clawed over each other, trying to push past two trick-or-treaters who were engaged in a sword battle.

“Hey guys, just - please just take a couple pieces and move it along...” Ari was saying nervously as Buck made his way over. He was young, only twenty-four, already a little soft-spoken, and probably hadn’t been around this many kids since he was in elementary school himself. 

“Oh hi guys!” Buck grinned at the pair of pirates that were currently clogging up the line by battling it out with their plastic swords. “Whoa, awesome costumes.” He pointed at one of them who had a plastic hook that he kept dropping amidst the battle. “And are you Captain Hook?”

“He’s Barbossa and I’m Jack Sparrow!” The other boy declared proudly in what was probably supposed to be a British accent.

“Oh yeah, I see that, I see that.” Buck nodded along seriously. “Very cool. But you know what would be even cooler? If you guys went over there -” He pointed over at the mini hay bale maze. “And had your fight there, where you can climb up on the hay bales. I bet that would be so much more awesome!”

They looked over where he was pointing and their faces lit up. 

“Race you!” Barbossa crowed, tagging Captain Jack on the arm as he rushed across the station.

“Oh my god.” Ari looked at him with something resembling reverence as the line restored to order. “How did you do that?”

Buck shrugged - it really wasn’t a big deal. “You can’t be afraid of kids - they can sense fear.” He told the younger man in a low voice. “They like it when you engage with them on their level. But don’t talk down to them, they don’t like that either. Most kids are smarter than people give them credit for.”

“I feel like I should be taking notes.” Muttered Ari, shooting a nervous smile at a little girl in a witch’s hat. “I heard we do a lot of events with kids, so I better learn fast, right?”

“You’ll be fine, they’re really not that scary -”

“They still have you doing the bitch work?”

Buck looked up, startled to see…

Oh, not this kid again.

He’d ditched his convict uniform for a Joker one, and apparently he was now big and bad enough to come here all by himself, since a quick glance around didn’t reveal his mom hiding anywhere. Buck recognized the kid, then frowned when his words registered. 

“Hey come on, we don’t use language like that in here.” Buck chided him. Which wasn’t normally true, it was a fucking _firehouse,_ but not when kids were around. 

Especially not when kids were around with their _parents._ Like the two moms behind the troublemaker, who’d both gasped and were clutching their precious toddlers to their chests.

“I don’t have to listen to you, you’re not even a real firefighter!” And if Buck weren’t so annoyed he’d be impressed at this kid’s long-term memory.

Luckily, right then God decided to take pity on him and the bell rang. 

“Buck, you’re up!” Bobby called out as he passed by and it took all of Buck’s hard-won maturity not to stick his tongue out at the irritating kid.

“Good luck man, and don’t let Heath Ledger over there take any extra candy, he’s trouble.” Buck muttered, clapping a resigned-looking Ari on the shoulder.

It was a small victory, but he’d take it.

* * *

By the end of the day, Buck was seriously dragging. 

He might love Halloween, and more than anything loved the _distraction_ that a busy shift could provide, but the sun was almost up and he was tired in his bones. There was still so much cleaning up to do and Buck had volunteered to stay up to do it instead of grabbing a few much needed hours of shut-eye. (The last twenty-four hour shift he’d worked, Buck made the mistake of actually sleeping at work and had nearly punched Chimney in the face when he tried to wake him up from a nightmare.)

Eddie had volunteered as well, but as far as Buck knew he hadn’t been struggling with his own nightmares recently. No, he was pretty sure that Eddie’s determination not to sleep had everything to do with the threat of a certain _prank_ hanging over Eddie’s head.

“No rest for the wicked, huh Eddie?”

“What?” Eddie’s gaze snapped around to him. He looked almost _strung-out_ and Buck would’ve laughed at him if he didn’t feel a little bad. 

“I didn’t say anything.” Buck lied, holding back a grin as he scrubbed hard at the million and one sets of little grubby handprints on the normally glossy 118 engine surface. 

Eddie pulled his phone out and he swiped through it. Probably looking at photos of Chris from Carla, who’d taken him out trick-or-treating while Eddie was working.

The instinct to ask Eddie about Christopher was staggering. Buck hadn’t seen Christopher in over a week, and even then it was just a quick surprise visit that he and Carla had made to the station last week. That wasn’t too unusual - Buck had definitely gone longer without seeing Chris. But for some reason it felt significant this time.

Probably for the same reason that Buck pushed down his questions about how Christopher’s night had gone. As much as he wanted to ask whether Christopher had decided to go as an astronaut or a character from Fortnite. What neighborhood they had decided to hit up. If he was happy to go out with Carla or if he was disappointed his dad had to work two years in a row. 

_You need to be careful._

The questions clogged up in his throat and he swallowed them down, focusing back on the task at hand.

“Just get it over with.”

Buck jerked up, looking over at Eddie’s serious face. The air suddenly felt electric between them, abruptly sharp and out of focus all at once. Eddie looked… _haunted,_ yet there was a defiance sparkling in his eyes and Buck felt absolutely floored by the spectrum of emotions that he was witnessing on Eddie’s face. He looked both like he’d lived for a thousand years and like he was still young enough to take on the world. There was a little wrinkle between his eyebrows as he drew them together, which Buck felt the insane urge to smooth out with his own thumb.

He was… god, he was beautiful. This wasn’t the first time that Buck had thought it, but all those other times were really in passing or flashes of inappropriate desire. Maybe it was because he was dead tired that Buck really let himself just sit in that quiet revelation. Eddie was beautiful. 

“... Buck.” Eddie was saying, drawing Buck’s attention away from his study of the gold flecks in Eddie’s eyes. “I mean it. I can’t live like this anymore.”

“Uh… what?” Buck asked intelligently as thoughts about Eddie pressing him up against the fire engine and saying _“Like this”_ before kissing him passionately invaded his mind.

“The prank.” Eddie said, beleaguered. “I’m serious. I just need you guys to get it over with. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Right…” Buck’s brain reset itself, reminding him that he was talking to _real_ Eddie, not the fantasy version he’d invented in his mind that liked to flirt with him at parties and kiss him against firetrucks and was actually attracted to him. 

Focus, Buckley. The prank. 

He made a big show of looking at his watch and sighing. “Well, the shift’s almost over. I guess I might as well tell you-”

“Tell me _what."_

Buck shrugged casually. “There was never a prank.”

Eddie’s left eyebrow twitched. “There was never a prank.” He repeated.

“That was the prank.” Buck told him, smirking. “To make you think there was a prank, when there was no prank all along.”

Eddie stared at him, blank.

“But there really _was_ a prank. Because there was no prank.”

Still no response.

“It was Prankception.”

“I hate you.” Eddie said flatly, throwing the rag he was using to polish the truck down on the floor and walking away from him. “I really, really hate you.”

“Wha - wait Eddie!” Buck called out to him, grabbing the rag and waving it at him, laughter creeping into his voice. “You’re not going to _leave me_ with all this work, are you?”

“It’s what you deserve. I’m going to sleep.”

Buck waited until Eddie vanished into the bunkroom to text Bobby, who was sleeping on the couch of his office.

 **_Buck:_ ** _I got him. It’s go-time._

(Eddie had a very nice hour and forty-four minutes of sleep before his alarm went off at six-thirty in the morning and he woke up to find the headless scream-ghost that Bobby had bought two years ago hovering over him in bed.

He did not speak to Buck for the rest of the shift).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
> Nothing really, aside from a canon-typical description of injuries on a call, some language, and Halloween Pranks
> 
> Buck might seem like he's done a complete 180 from the previous chapter, but remember this is really part 1 of a 2-part chapter.


	8. All is quiet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Buck had lived with his three frat-bro roommates in East Hollywood, all he’d wanted was peace and quiet.
> 
> He’s sure if he had ever said anything like that to his teammates, particularly Hen, he’d be met with a bark of laughter.
> 
>  _Quiet,_ they'd say. _Buck do you even know what that means?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part II of what was originally going to be a behemoth of a chapter (Part I was published yesterday as Chapter 7, in case you missed it!).
> 
> This is a heavy one guys. Please read the warnings at the end. There's one section in particular that I don't want anyone to be triggered by, so even if you don't normally read the warnings I would advise you check out the first one (it will be in bold, at the beginning of the end notes).

_There was a pounding in his head._

_It was so insistent, that Buck wasn’t only feeling it. He could hear it. Behind his eyeballs, inside his ears, coming from the door._

_Wait. The door?_

_“Buck! Buck open the door!”_

_Well that was kind of asking a lot, because Buck wasn’t even sure he could open his eyes, his headache was so bad. Still, his leg wasn’t really hurting anymore except that familiar dull, lingering soreness. Much better than the last thing he remembered, which was nothing except burning agony shooting up his leg._

_“Buck you have two seconds to open the door before I break it down.”_

_Was that Eddie? Why was Eddie here? Buck didn’t remember calling him._

_No, he specifically remembered_ not _calling him. Maddie was at work and he’d been pretty sure Hen and Chimney were too, so he’d tried calling Bobby but it had gone to voicemail._

_“Okay I’m breaking it down.”_

_Buck groaned and opened his eyes. “Wait.” He called, trying to leverage himself up from the floor - and failing miserably. Fuck, right, that was the whole reason he called Bobby. He’d fallen and couldn’t get up. What a cliche._

_Except Bobby actually had a key to his apartment thanks to all the times he'd driven Buck to his check-ups at the hospital, and Eddie did not. Which meant that either Buck was going to have to figure out a way to let him in, or Eddie would break down the door._

_“Don’t… don’t break it down.” Buck hissed between his teeth, as he shifted so that his back was no longer against the wall. “Just gimme a minute I’ll let you in.”_

_He wasn’t able to reach his crutches and even if he was Buck doubted he’d be able to get himself up - at least not in less than half an hour. So the only option was to drag himself the few feet to his apartment door on his ass, trying to avoid bumping his full leg cast into anything that would cause those horrible shooting pains to return._

_Finally he was able to reach up and unlock the door, scooting out of the way before he called, “It’s unlocked, you can let yourself in.”_

_The door swung open immediately and Eddie stepped in, looking around._

_Except, he was looking at eye-level._

_“Down here.” Buck called out, and Eddie’s gaze swung down to him._

_“Jesus.”_

_“Yeah I know. Can you spare me the lecture and help me up.” He struggled to keep his voice from sounding too pitiful. “Please.”_

_“One second.” Eddie pulled a chair closer to them, then reached under Buck’s armpits before hesitating, and shifting toward his non-injured foot. “Can you wiggle your toes for me?”_

_“Oh my -_ Eddie _.” Buck snapped. “I would’ve called 9-1-1 if I needed an ambulance.”_

_“Wiggle them.”_

_Buck focused as much energy as he could manage into jabbing his big toe into Eddie’s palm. There was no way that even came close to hurting him, but it made him feel better anyway. “What are you even doing here?” He grumbled, as Eddie continued his cursory inspection. “Pretty sure I called Bobby.”_

_“He and Athena took Harry to Disney today.” Eddie explained. “He tried calling you back but you didn’t answer so he asked me to check on you.”_

_“What about Christopher?”_

_“Dropped him off at my aunt’s. Didn’t know if I’d be walking into a bloodbath or not. C’mon, let’s get up.” Now Eddie lifted him up, easily enough that Buck had to admit he was impressed. The one time he’d fallen and only Maddie had been around, it hadn’t been a fun experience for either of them. But Eddie got him sitting on the chair in little-to-no time, quickly pulling up a second chair._

_Buck hissed as Eddie lifted his injured leg onto the other chair, and Eddie’s eyebrows raised. “Did you hurt it when you fell?”_

_“You mean from heaven?" Eddie didn't look impressed at that, and Buck sighed. "I just bumped it. I don’t think I damaged anything, but it wasn’t fun.” Buck watched while Eddie frowned, turning away to scope out the rest of the apartment._

_He returned with Buck’s crutches and an exasperated expression on his face. “Buck… is there a reason I found these_ on the stairs _?_ _”_

_“Uh… I threw them there?” Buck tried._

_“Well I hope so, because I’d like to think you’re not a big enough idiot to try to go up those stairs when you’re alone in your loft all day.”_

_“I just...” His head slumped. It felt so stupid now. “I was sick of the couch. Wanted to sleep in the bed. I don’t know, it didn’t feel like a big deal._ Ob _viously_ _I was wrong.”_

_Eddie rested the crutches against the wall where Buck could reach them, leaning one hip against them as he eyed Buck with an odd expression. “Why didn’t you pick up when Bobby or I called?”_

_“I…” w_ _as in so much fucking pain he took a painkiller that he thankfully had in his pocket even though he knew it would basically knock him out._ _Irrationally thought that Bobby not answering meant that he was ignoring it because he didn’t want to be bugged with yet another Buck emergency since Bobby been saddled with driving Buck to so many of his appointments._ _Had actually considered calling Eddie for a few seconds before deciding to not._ _“I fell asleep and I forgot to turn the phone off silent.”_

_That odd expression now had an accompanying frown, which made Buck feel guilty. These days it felt like everyone was looking at him with worry all the time and he wasn’t thrilled about his new role as the 118’s charity case. “Why didn’t you call me?” Eddie asked quietly, and he sounded almost… hurt? Was that the odd expression that Buck was having difficulty categorizing? “You knew I had today off.”_

_Buck shrugged, because he had no idea how to answer that._

_He couldn’t tell Eddie that there was part of him that still saw Eddie the way he had when Eddie had started at the 118: as a superhero. Captain America, who could do anything and never let anything get to him._

_Eddie was amazing and for awhile Buck had thought they were amazing together, the best goddamn team in the LAFD._

_But now Buck was the furthest thing from amazing. He was pathetic, a broken mess who couldn’t even get up a flight of stairs. The second the thought of calling Eddie had entered his mind he’d squashed it, flushing with embarrassment at the mere idea of his friend having to pick his ass up off the floor._

_Plus, Eddie had his own shit to deal with._

_That was an easier truth to admit out loud. “I dunno man, you’ve got a lot going on.” He mumbled, shifting his gaze so he didn’t feel so pinned down by Eddie’s accusing stare. “I mean you’ve got Christopher, and you’ve got..." a dead wife "... your own shit. You don’t need my shit.”_

_“Buck, you’re my best friend.” Eddie said, exasperated. “Your shit is already my shit.”_

_Buck’s head swiveled back around so he could gape at Eddie. “I’m your best friend?” He repeated, like a fourth grader._

_He expected Eddie to scoff and call him a child, for making a big deal over it. But Eddie just shrugged. “Of course,” he said, like it was a given. “Who else?”_

_That was a good point. Eddie was definitely closest to Buck out of everyone in the 118. And it wasn’t like Eddie really seemed to have a social life outside of work. “You’re mine too.” Buck said, feeling a smile fight its way onto his face in spite of the pain._

_There was something almost… permanent about saying that. Like he was staking a claim on Eddie that went beyond work. It was the same type of feeling as when Eddie had asked why Buck hadn’t called him. Like Buck was_ supposed _to call him._

_It was a feeling of belonging to someone. Of being someone’s person._

_“Good.” Eddie said simply, walking over to the fridge to grab a bottle of water. “Maybe I could get a key though? So that if you are unconscious next time I don’t need to break down the door and ruin your security deposit?”_

_Buck took the water Eddie was offering him, his smile widening._ Next time.

_“Yeah... I think I could get that for you.”_

* * *

When Buck had lived with his three frat-bro roommates in East Hollywood, all he’d wanted was peace and quiet.

He’s sure if he had ever said anything like that to his teammates, particularly Hen, he’d be met with a bark of laughter. _Q_ _uiet,_ they'd say. _Buck do you even know what that means?_

They’d never been to that house though - for good reason. Buck had definitely never invited any of them over, even after football nights at Chimney’s started becoming a regular thing and even the occasional game night at Hen’s.

His roommates were slobs and the house was a mess and it was everything that he was trying to grow out of. His teammates were all adults with clean apartments or even homes and Buck didn’t want to give them another reason to see him as a dumb kid.

So they’d never been over and therefore they had no idea how that house was loud at literally all hours of the day. One day he came home after finishing up a twenty four hour shift to find them throwing a full blown tailgate party - and none of them even went to _USC_ anymore.

Abby’s place had been the direct opposite of that. Warm, and quiet, and well taken care of. Even after Abby left Buck had been so mindful about keeping everything organized. It had felt almost sacrilegious to leave a mess there, not just because he’d taken on the (self-appointed) task of looking after her place, but because he just felt like Abby’s space and things deserved better.

Then, after almost a year of bouncing from place to place, Buck had started looking for apartments. Ali had gotten really into it, settling down across from him at their favorite coffee shape on Melrose with a laptop in front of her and a gleam in her eye.

_“Alright.” She’d said. “What are you looking for?”_

_And wasn’t that an overwhelming question._

_She’d taken one look at his wide, panicked eyes, and laughed. “Alright, let’s start basic. Modern or rustic?”_

With her help, he’d found his current loft and Buck had been really happy about it. There was something exciting about the possibilities in the minimalist, open space. Finally, plenty of room all to himself for him to grow into this person that he was becoming.

Although there had certainly been moments of bitterness after Ali had left, and then moments of intense frustration when he was marooned to only using the lower floor for the first few months of habitation, Buck still liked his apartment. It felt more _his_ than any other place he’d lived, he felt more at home there than any other space he’d slept in (except maybe Eddie’s house, but there was a certain warmth to Eddie’s house that was impossible to replicate).

But sometimes, on nights like this one, it just felt so _cold._

It was easy to do better at work. Thanks to Maddie he’d felt good enough to at least start trying to have a good time when he was on shift, and that had quickly turned into actually _having_ a good time. The Halloween hijinks had helped bolster his spirits and when he was at work Buck could almost forget about the dark thoughts that had been chasing around in the edges of his mind lately.

The problem was, he couldn’t be at work every day. 

The days when he woke up and the first thing he noticed was how empty the apartment was were always the worst. It was better when he could remind himself that he had plans to see Maddie, or even better if he had been invited to some outing with Christopher and Eddie. 

Today had not been one of those days. The stars had simply not aligned - his parents would apparently be spending the day at Maddie and Chimney’s to help get things ready for the baby (Maddie had asked, tentatively, if he would be interested in joining and the answer had been a resounding “hell no”). 

He’d also checked to see if Eddie wanted to grab dinner tonight, swallowing his anxiety at the idea of Eddie bringing Christopher - or worse, Eddie _not_ bringing Christopher. But Eddie had some vague plans that he’d avoided getting into the specifics of, and Buck was left facing the realization that he’d be spending the entire day alone.

So Buck had forced himself to get up and make it a long gym day, then occupied himself with chores the rest of the day. He’d hoped that keeping himself productive would keep the thoughts at bay but they kept creeping in. 

At the grocery store, he was trying to pick out the least bruised avocados and his attention had been caught by a couple playfully bickering over zucchini noodles across the section. He dropped off his dry cleaning and noticed the tender way that the owner brushed her hand over her husband’s shoulder as she passed by. Even the normally belligerent couple that ran the gas station near his apartment seemed particularly fond of each other today.

 _You’ll never get that._ A little voice whispered in his ear. _Nobody wants that with you. You’ll never be good enough for that._

Needless to say, his headspace was not exactly _great_ when Jess texted him that night.

He didn’t think twice before giving her the green light to come over. Buck got the text and such an immense feeling of relief surged through his body.

Thank god. Someone actually wanted to be around him. 

“Hey!” The bright smile she gave him when he opened the door for him added to that relief. She was happy to see him. “You’ve been pretty MIA.”

That was true. Between his family drama and picking up extra shifts at work, their schedules hadn’t been aligning recently. Buck shrugged casually. “I’ve been working more overtime. Trying to save up some money.”

“Ooh, got a big purchase coming up?” Jess asked as she made her way past him into his kitchen. There was something about the way that she made herself comfortable in his apartment that felt familiar, Buck thought, as she opened his fridge and pulled out two beers for them. She pursed her lips after sliding him one, looking him up and down. “It’s a motorcycle, isn’t it?” 

Buck laughed, caught off guard. “A _motorcycle?_ ” He asked in disbelief. “Why would you think that?”

Jess shrugged. “You give off a motorcycle vibe.”

Was this because she thought he was a fuckboi? Buck let out another laugh, a little uncomfortable at the judgement. “Well, just so you know, I would _never_ get a motorcycle.” He informed her, taking a seat next to her on his kitchen island. “I’ve worked way too many accident scenes to ever think that was a good idea. They’re disasters waiting to happen.”

“Oh yeah, I guess that makes sense.” Jess nodded, looking almost a little disappointed? Buck wasn’t sure, it was hard to read her sometimes. 

The conversation got a little quiet - there was kind of a weird energy between them, and Buck wasn’t sure if it was because of her or him.

Probably him. 

They moved to the couch to play video games. Maybe twenty minutes in, her hand started creeping onto his thigh and that’s when Buck decided that yup, it was definitely him.

Because for all his thoughts of the past few weeks about needing to get laid… he wasn’t into it. 

That was a weird thought. Buck didn’t like turning down sex. He was capable of it now, he didn’t flirt on calls anymore or go home with women who hit on him at bars. But that was always an exercise in restraint, and there was a tiny lingering piece of him that was disappointed that he was grown up now and needed to be _mature_ and not try to bone every woman who batted her eyes at him. 

Even when he wasn’t in a great mood, he could usually push that aside because he knew that sex would make him feel better. But tonight there was just a nagging feeling that this wasn’t a good idea. 

Which was crazy. Jess had come over here to have sex. That was their arrangement. 

There was just something different about this. Before, when they’d hooked up, it was because they both wanted to. But tonight, Buck hadn’t been thinking about sex when he agreed to have her over. 

He’d just wanted someone here.

“Hey wait.” Buck said, as she started to unbutton his pants. Jess paused, her eyes flicking to his face playfully, and shit what was he supposed to say? “I’m just - sorry, I’m just kind of tired.”

Understanding passed over Jess’s face and she smirked. “I got you.” She told him, unzipping his pants and reaching her hand down and - _shit, oh fuck. Fuck that felt good._ “It’s okay, I can do all the work.”

Her hand was in his pants but she was clearly waiting for him to agree, and Buck recognized that there was still an out. If he said, _no I’m not in the mood tonight,_ she would stop. 

“Okay.” He agreed, letting his head fall back against the couch as Jess started moving her hand again. 

He could feel the leather of the couch under his fingernails, but he’d already been weird once. If he asked for them to change locations that might kill her mood too.

And then she would leave.

So he stayed, letting her push him down into the couch, and tried to ignore the rising taste of bile in his throat.

* * *

When it was done, Buck just stayed slumped on the couch, watching Jess braid her hair up. She did that often after they finished having sex, because her hair was thick and would get messy easily. Tonight it hadn’t tangled because she’d been on top, but it was sweaty and thick and he imagined she wanted to get it out of her face. 

He watched her fingers dance lazily in the simple pattern, feeling uneasy. There was a wrongness to their encounter that was familiar. It made Buck think of being fourteen and finding out that a senior wanted to hook up with him and pushing himself to do it because all his friends were jealous and if he said no then that would mean there was something wrong with him. Or of the time he slept with his biology TA during her office hours. Even distantly of having sex with Dr. Welles during what was supposed to be his therapy session.

During those times, Buck had pushed down any feelings of discomfort that he had. The same way that he did when he had no choice but to have sex on a couch, or when someone would cover his mouth or hold him down and he didn’t want to kill the vibe by asking them not to do that.

He pushed it down, and focused on the good. On what felt good, the physical pleasure, even sometimes on the thrill of the wrongness.

Now, Buck just felt sort of nauseous. 

Jess finished her braid and she was about to go. As much as Buck didn’t really want to be around her right now, the idea of her leaving him was somehow worse. 

Maybe that was the problem. Maybe it felt wrong because he was tired of the meaningless sex. He thought about the couple at the grocery store, the dry-cleaning owners, and the gas station managers. That prickling feeling of want. Of _need_.

He just wanted to belong to someone.

“Do you want to play another round?” Buck asked Jess, and she turned him almost warily.

“Buck, I told you, you don’t need to-”

“It’s not a good-guy move.” He admitted, sitting up. “I’m not trying to seem like less of an asshole. I like hanging out with you. I like talking to you, and playing video games. This isn’t just about sex for me.”

As the words left his mouth, Buck realized what it sounded like. It sounded like he was saying he had feelings for her which… well, he didn’t think he did. At least not the kind of feelings he’d had for Abby and Ali. It was more like what he’d felt with Taylor initially, that possibility of what it _could_ be.

But if that’s what she thought he was saying, maybe that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Buck could see himself dating Jess. His friends and his sister would like her. It would probably be the chillest relationship he’d ever had, assuming she wasn’t just broing out with him in an attempt to be a “cool girl.” 

He could see himself dating her for about six months before they both decided they were better off as friends.

He wondered if that’s what was going through Jess’s mind as she gaped at him. “Buck I…” She visibly floundered. “I’m sorry. That’s all this is for me. Just sex.”

Well fuck.

Buck might not have been thrilled about the possibility of dating Jess, but that wasn’t what he wanted to hear either.

“I’m - shit, I really thought this was just sex for you too.” Jess was explaining, as she laughed nervously, fidgeting with the end of her braid. “I thought that, well we agreed and-”

“Well, we said we were just hanging out. I’m not saying I want a relationship.” Buck said, even though as he said those words he realized they weren’t true. He did want a relationship. Just not specifically with her. “But I like spending time with you - as friends.” He amended, trying to make his point clear. “So what I’m saying is that we can hang out and it doesn’t have to be about sex or foreplay or whatever.”

“Oh.” Jess said quietly and a look of remorse passed over her face. “I see what you’re saying. But I don’t - I just don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why?” Buck asked, ignoring the tight squeeze on his chest. 

_Because you’re only good for one thing._

“Because…” She brought her hand up to rub at her temple. “Because I need to keep those separate. Friendship and sex. If we’re together then that’s just…”

 _… too much. Too much time around you. People only want you for a limited time_.

“... it’s too much like a relationship, and I can’t do that because then I’ll get confused and I need to keep _this_ separate because…” Jess’s lips twisted, like she was debating spilling some big secret. “Because I already have a boyfriend.”

_Oh._

That hit Buck like an elephant kicking his chest. A boyfriend. Jess had a boyfriend. Someone else to go home to. No wonder she was always in a rush to leave. 

He thought about her braiding her hair after they fucked and felt sick. Was that to hide the evidence? Buck had been someone’s dirty secret before, when he was young and stupid. It had left him feeling hollow and empty and he had tried not to do that again. 

He wasn’t naive - even though he’d always checked for a wedding ring before he hit on a woman, he knew not all relationships came with rings (and… you could take rings off before hitting the bar). He’d slept with so many women, odds were that a few with boyfriends, girlfriends, partners, fiances or spouses had slipped in there. Buck tried not to dwell on it, tried to tell himself that was on their conscience, not his.

But this. This one hurt. Jess wasn’t a random spur of the moment fling. This was an arrangement they’d come to, and while he hadn’t outright _asked_ if she were single Buck had specifically told her that he didn’t cheat. 

“It’s open.” Jess explained quickly, probably because Buck’s horror was showing on his face. “We’ve been together for awhile and want to be together for much longer but realized that in order to do that we needed a bit of room to breathe. So we’re allowed to see other people.”

That was a relief, but not as big of one as Buck expected it to be. It wasn’t that he didn’t get open relationships. At one point that had been the only kind of relationship he could see himself in. That had changed with Abby and he’d realized not only could he do an exclusive relationship… but that he wasn’t sure he could do one that wasn’t. The idea of sleeping with anyone else while Abby was off in Europe hadn’t even been a temptation and the thought of Abby “banging other guys” (as Maddie had so gracefully put it) had caused him physical pain.

He understood and respected that not everyone was like that. That wasn’t the problem.

“Uh, why didn’t you tell me?” Buck sounded more indignant than he wanted to, but he couldn’t help it. He was irritated. This was exactly the kind of thing that should’ve come up when they’d been laying down the ground rules before they jumped into bed together, not after they’d been hooking up for months. 

Jess at least had the decency to look chagrined. “I didn’t know whether or not I was supposed to. I had it in my bio at first, but the only matches I was getting were really skeazy guys. Or people looking for a threesome, because if I’m ‘open’ that means I have to be into everything, _right?_ So... I changed it to ‘not looking for anything serious’ and had a bit more success.”

“But after we met up in person…” Buck prompted her. 

“We agreed to just keep it casual. I didn’t think it mattered.”

“We said we could be friends with benefits.” He pointed out. " _Friends_ is kind of the operative word there.”

“Right, I know, I just didn’t think that was what you meant.” Jess had slid the tie on her braid off and was now fidgeting with the ends. This conversation had now become horribly uncomfortable and it was feeling much more like a breakup than it had any right to. “I just though - I mean, you seemed like you were only interested in the sex part of the equation.”

“I don’t remember saying that.”

“I don’t know, you just seemed like that type of guy.”

All her comments about Buck being a ‘fuckboi’ came back to him. Her insistence that he didn’t need to do the ‘nice-guy’ move. She just thought he seemed like a motorcycle guy.

Oh. She took one look at him and assumed he was a total douchebag.

He laughed, but it sounded hollow. “Wow. Guess I really make a great first impression. Good to know.”

“I’m sorry.” Jess sounded miserable and like she really wanted to be anywhere but sitting two feet away from him. “I didn’t mean to offend you.”

“It’s…” _fine,_ he was going to say. But it wasn’t fine. Not really. None of this was fine. 

_That type of guy._

_You’ll never be good enough for that._

_You’re only good for one thing._

_You’re a natu-_

“I think you should leave.” 

“Okay.” Jess got up quickly and fled the apartment, probably grateful for the chance to escape. She was only here for one thing, he’d been an idiot for thinking that she would want to stick around. 

The taste of beer was still lingering in the back of his mouth with the bile so Buck pushed himself off the couch and made a b-line for his upstairs bathroom. He dug through the medicine cabinet with shaking hands and doused his mouth with listerine, swishing it around aggressively to purge the sour taste.

He went about the rest of his nighttime ritual a little less frantically, although he couldn’t get his hands to stop shaking, even after he was in bed, surrounded by soft pillows and his comforter drawn over his head.

He didn’t want to sleep. He knew what would happen if he tried to sleep right now. But he had a shift tomorrow and if he didn’t sleep tonight he would be useless and bad-tempered tomorrow and Bobby would probably make him stay behind all day and Chimney would rat him out to Maddie.

That was the thought that prompted Buck to throw off the comforter and grab blindly in the dark at his bedside table, looking for the bottle of tylenol pm he’d started leaving next to his bed for the past month or so.

Instead, his fingers curled around a small, stiff piece of cardstock.

He didn’t have to look at it to know what it was. He’d been glancing at it dubiously all week, practically had the damn number memorized. He traced his finger-pads over the letters, knowing that they spelled out _Dr. April Monroe_ without having to see.

Before he could think better of it, he flicked on the bedside lamp, grabbed his phone and then he was dialing the number. 

Unsurprisingly, it went to voicemail. It was fuck o’clock at night, so that made sense.

The crisp female voice telling him to leave his name if he was interested in setting up an appointment finished talking, and Buck 

“Hey, this is Evan Buckley. I was referred to you a few months back by Dr. Frank Thorton, I’ve just been too busy to make an appointment until now and I…”

He swallowed. Folded the paper in half between his fingers.

“I need some help,” Buck admitted quietly, afraid of who would hear him in the empty apartment. “I could really use some help.”

* * *

_He was on the baseball field, glowing gold from the setting son. There was no noise except the crisp_ thwack _as his bat connected with the ball._

_“Whoa, that’s gotta be at least a two-base hit! Great job!”_

_The warmth of the praise glowed brighter than the sun. He steadied his stance again, pressing his toe into the dirt._

Thwack. 

_“Home run! You’re a natural, bud!"_

_It felt great being good at something. Outside, away from school and his parents. This was the only place he was ever really happy._

_The light from the field faded, but he was still warm. And he could still hear the_ thwack, thwack _, of the ball being hit._

_“Thome is great, but I bet you could give him a run for his money if you keep at it, bud.”_

_There’s another can of beer being offered at him and he takes it, even though the taste is sour. But he feels like he’s floating away and he feels happy and he doesn’t want that feeling to go away ever._

_“Okay, you can have another one, but you can’t tell your parents, promise me?”_

_He stretches out his pinky, because that’s what Maddie always makes him do when he promises. It’s pushed aside though._

_“No, we’re being grown-ups tonight, bud. Grown-ups don’t pinky promise, we shake on it.”_

_That sounds good to him. He’s tired of always being the baby, being treated like he’s stupid. He reaches out his hand instead and the larger hand that grips it is warm._

_The hand grows warmer and warmer until it is bright and burning him. He knows he needs to get away but he can’t._

_He’s trapped, pressed against the couch and the hand is over his mouth now._

_Shhh. Shhh. It’s okay, bud. See, you’re a natural. Shh, shh._

_You’re a natural._

* * *

When his alarm interrupted his restless sleep the next morning, Buck was a sweaty mess. He reached a hand out for his phone, fully intending to reset it for another thirty minutes in the hopes that he’d actually get some undisturbed sleep. It would mean having to skip his normal morning workout but he could just push himself extra hard during workouts at the station and...

There was one new voicemail from a number that wasn’t programmed into his phone, but Buck recognized immediately, his stomach flipping with nerves. Dr. Monroe had called him back.

He stared at the ceiling and tried to remind himself that he would get to work that day. He’d see Hen, and Chimney, and Bobby, and the rest of the squad. He’d be able to spend his day goofing off around the station and helping people out on the field.

And Eddie. He’d get to see Eddie today.

Buck scrubbed a hand across his face, pushing his sweat-slicked hair away from his forehead as he swung his feet off the bed to start the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major TW:  
>  **At the end there’s a nightmare about childhood sexual abuse. Nothing graphic, but it could be triggering, especially at the end. Specifically, the last few lines contain memory of something that was said to Buck, which could be triggering so if you’re unsure please skip it! It also contains mentions of underage drinking and underage drinking being enabled by someone who is supposed to be a trusted adult.  
>  It’s the second italicized section, so if you’d like to skip it just scroll down to the bottom and you can read the last little section without really missing much of anything plot-wise.**
> 
> Additional warnings, in order of appearance:
> 
> Aftermath of Buck’s ladder-truck leg injury - nothing graphic
> 
> Depressive thoughts, low feelings of self-worth, contradictory thoughts.
> 
> Loneliness (ain’t that a mood).
> 
> Some issues of consent - Buck has sex even though he isn’t really in the mood, because he doesn’t know how to explain that he doesn’t want to, and also doesn’t want to be alone. He does consent but it’s… messy. Definitely not intended to be a sexy scene.
> 
> Non-graphic sex (vague because 1.) I don’t do smut, 2.) it’s an uncomfortable scene).
> 
> Some implied non-graphic issues of past rape (in addition to the nightmare) It’s vague but it’s there. Related to the above issues of consent.
> 
> Past unhealthy sexual behaviors/dubious consent/issues of power dynamics.
> 
> Author's comments:  
> I hated writing this chapter just fyi but felt that it was important for the direction the story is going in. Now you see why the last chapter had to be the way that it was because otherwise this would just be too much angst to pile on after chapter 6 (but also - Buck is canonically happier when he is working/around his friends. I wanted to demonstrate that with the previous chapter and this one, which was originally why it was supposed to all be one chapter, but it just got too long. I still think the contrast works pretty well, and hopefully you guys are picking up some of the parallels I’m trying to lay down *clowning intensifies*)
> 
> Also, please no Jess-bashing here! Jess made some mistakes, but this chapter was not written to demonize her. Sex and relationships are confusing and messy and just because you unintentionally hurt someone does not make you a monster. 
> 
> I feel like this PSA is needed because I sometimes see male-same-sex pairing fans bash women who are in sexual relationships with one half of the male pairing and as a feminist AND a bisexual I don’t condone that behavior. Bisexuality is valid regardless of whether you’re in a same-sex or other-sex relationship. Also, women who get in the way of male-same-sex pairings do not deserve to be demonized. 
> 
> I won’t name names, but i started reading a fic the other day that had me boiling with rage over this. It ALSO managed to be biphobic at the same time, by making all the other characters realize that the main character was gay and faking it with women the instant they found out he was in a relationship with a man and… excuse me? Are we forgetting about bisexuality? That’s the most tired, biphobic trope, and a very quick way to get me to click out of a fic. (I'm not saying characters can't have heteroxesual relationships and then come out as gay - the issue is that the other characters automatically assumed that he was gay when they heard he was in a relationship with a man even though he'd been in relationships with women, which is bi-erasure and very harmful to people who are trying to figure out their sexuality). 
> 
> Sorry for the long notes. This chapter took a lot out of me.
> 
> p.s. with this chapter, this fic is now officially longer than Waves! And we're only 8 out of 20ish chapters in, so buckle in folks.


	9. 16 hundred candles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What was he supposed to do, let her in and then make her close her eyes while he went around lighting hundreds of candles?”
> 
> “Use electric candles. Or just don’t propose with candles at all.”
> 
> “I’m just saying, I see where he was coming from. It could’ve been romantic, if not for the whole setting the building on fire thing.”
> 
> Bobby chimed in from the front: “Chim, I hope you’re not getting any ideas back there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs at the end.
> 
> Please enjoy this long boi, as we continue to pick up momentum here.
> 
> Also! [ronordmann](https://ronordmann.tumblr.com/) made [cover art](https://ronordmann.tumblr.com/post/626461949835788288/the-things-we-lost-in-the-fire-9-1-1-series) for this fic series! And it's beautiful! And I'm crying about the fact that someone would ever make art for something I wrote. Please go follow them on Tumblr and scream about this with me.

The station was quiet in the mornings.

That’s why Eddie liked getting there early, when he could. The days where he dropped Christopher off at  _ just  _ the right time, and he was able to hit that traffic sweet spot that allowed him to get to the station fifteen minutes early instead of five minutes late. It was either one or the other, and the margin of error was slim.

Eddie had never been the type of person to suffer the illusion that being late was okay, and the army certainly hadn’t cured him of that mentality. He even shifted his internal clock so that fifteen minutes early was on time in his mind. This was the general rule of thumb in the LAFD as well, which meant Eddie didn’t have his usual advantage.

So it always set his teeth on edge when he skittered into the station with only ten minutes before his shift - already five minutes late - and rushed through getting changed.

But Bobby was always understanding. Christopher came first, always, and Bobby knew that sometimes the carpool line got bogged down, or there might be days where drop-off took a little longer because Christopher wouldn’t stop hugging him goodbye (though those days were probably long behind them, as much as Eddie hated to admit it).

Today Eddie was a full twenty minutes early, and he was taking advantage of the stillness to sit up on the mezzanine, sip his coffee, and think.

A few nights ago he’d taken Ana out for their third date. They got dressed up and went to a nice restaurant in Westwood, one that Carla mentioned liking so Eddie knew it would be good. He picked Ana up at her apartment, a bouquet of daffodils in hand. 

When he dropped her off at the end of the night, she looked up at him through her thick lashes and said, “I had a really nice time.”

“Me too,” Eddie had agreed, and it was the truth. She had a bright, clear laugh that reminded him of the bell choir in church growing up. There was something almost sneaky about her sense of humor, the way that she would be charming and sweet one minute, then hit him with a wry joke that made his cheeks hurt from laughing. 

He really liked her.

Ana had taken a half-step toward him, her head tilted up. Eddie had known what that meant and reacted on instinct, pressing his lips against hers for his first kiss in eighteen months.

It was nice. Her lips tasted like what was probably some kind of honey lip balm, and her tongue like the molten lava cake they split for dessert.

Except Eddie had to lean down to kiss her, not crane his neck up slightly the way he had been in his imagination for the past few months.

Her lips were small and delicate against his, rather than full and insistent. 

The hair his fingers ran through was long and wavy, not short and thick.

And when he pulled away to gaze into her eyes, they were a warm brown, not a lively blue.

Eddie drank his coffee faster now, hoping the caffeine would jolt him out of his half-awake musings. His phone dinged with a text as he dimly registered the familiar harmony of Chimney and Hen’s voices getting ready in the locker room below. 

He pulled the phone out of his pocket, expecting it to be an answer from Carla about whether she would be available to pick up Christopher after school today. If not, he would have to contact the school to let them know that Christopher needed to stay for after-school care again. Even though Eddie was scheduled for a short shift today he would have to cross his fingers that he didn’t get stuck on a call that ran long at the end of the day - which happened to coincide with rush-hour so he wasn’t getting his hopes up.

The text wasn’t from Carla though. It was from Ana.

**_Ana:_ ** _ Good morning! Hope you have a great day. _

Eddie stared at it, trying to banish the guilty feeling from his stomach. 

He had felt the magic with Ana, at first. When they met back at parent-teacher night last year, it had been that rare instantaneous connection. One where he looked at her and hadn’t just thought  _ wow she’s beautiful _ , but also  _ there’s something special about her _ .

The few talks that they’d had during the spring as they slowly gravitated toward each other (mindful to keep things professional while Ana was still Christopher’s teacher) affirmed that feeling. There was an unspoken promise of something blooming between them, and toward the end of the year Ana had given him her number with a shy smile, telling him to call her sometime.

Eddie had been working up to it. 

Then he’d suddenly found himself sitting on a bench in Philadelphia, his arm aflame where it was pressed against skin that was warm, and steady, and as familiar as his own. He’d felt happy and safe and angry and worried and protective and at peace and like his world had tilted completely in its axis.

_ You’re my favorite person. _

“-of course I wake up this morning and for once the apartment is totally clean.” Chimney’s voice came drifting up the stairs, his footsteps accompanied by a second pair that had to belong to Hen. “No dirty clothes strewn everywhere, no dishes left in the sink. There’s even a freshly brewed pot of coffee waiting for me.”

“So are you going to tell him?” Asked Hen as she and Chimney reached the top of the stairs.

Chimney shook his head. “I think I’ll wait until he’s moved into his new place to tell him that ‘You know Albert, since neither Maddie nor I are actually Catholic, there’s not going to  _ be  _ a godfather - oh hey Eddie. When did you slip in?”

Eddie turned toward them, grateful for the excuse to set his phone down. “Got in early this morning. So Albert finally found a place?”

“After much hemming and hawing, he settled on a studio in Glendale.” Chimney rolled his eyes, snagging an apple off the kitchen island. “And he’s been campaigning to be The Bean’s godfather and sucking up to me, so that’s a nice change of pace.”

“So still no name then?” Eddie asked.

Chimney shrugged, taking the seat across from Eddie while Hen sat diagonal to them both. “We’ve got it narrowed down to a couple options. Once she’s born we’ll pick whichever one feels right.”

“They’re just not telling anyone what those options are, because they don’t want to ‘be influenced.’” Hen put up air-quotes, shaking her head in dismay. “Even though I think you’re insane for not at least running them by me. I at least insist on veto rights.”

“So what, I bring my kid out and say ‘Guys meet Insert-Name-Here’ and you get to say ‘Nah, that doesn’t work for me?’” Chimney arched his eyebrows at her.

“Well, if you’re planning on naming your kid ‘Insert-Name-Here’, then yes.”

Chimney flicked an apple seed at her and Eddie smirked. The conversation lulled and Eddie let the sounds of the station wash over him. The heavy footsteps and tired conversations of the previous crew finishing up their tasks and heading out for the day, the excited exchanges and jokes of their team as they prepared for the shift ahead.

Something felt off.

“Why is it so quiet?” Eddie questioned, trying to pinpoint what was so out of place this morning. He could hear Bobby going over protocols with Ari, Ramirez telling Sanchez about his daughter’s birthday party that weekend, John picking up workout tips from Gardner and…

“Where’s Buck?” He followed up his previous question as he realized that the station felt empty without that distinctive (and sometimes deafening) voice. “Is he late or something?”

Hen and Chimney both laughed, the humor of Eddie equating ‘a quiet station’ with ‘no Buck’ not lost on them. “I think I heard him asking Gardner if they could swap shifts the other day.” Hen explained.

“Oh.” Eddie couldn’t help the frown that sank onto his face. Their whole team did their best to keep their schedules together as much as possible, but Eddie and Buck specifically made a point to request the same days off. The last time that Bobby had scheduled them on different days, Buck had ended up running around the station and coordinated the largest domino-shift-swap the 118 had ever seen.

Eddie was pretty sure the reason Bobby had never again scheduled Buck and Eddie on different days was in order to avoid dealing with the headache of nine people coming into his office at the same time with shift swap requests. 

Buck and Eddie didn’t like working without each other. Sometimes emergencies came up and it was unavoidable. And Buck did tend to work more hours than Eddie, taking longer shifts and the occasional extra shift while Eddie kept his hours as limited as he could to spend more time with Christopher. 

The last time Eddie had worked a shift without Buck was when Buck had to stay behind in Pennsylvania to take care of his dad, and before that it was…yeah. Probably when Buck was still out on medical leave because of the blood thinners.

It was unusual. What was even more unusual was Buck not  _ telling him _ . 

But things had been off with Buck since the baby shower, maybe even before that if Eddie were being honest with himself. Buck had been acting weird around him since Eddie had told him about being bisexual and it was hard not to think there was some causality there.

That thought had Eddie shifting his attention back to his phone with a heavy sigh.

“Oh, I know that face.” Hen ribbed him gently, empathy shining from her warm eyes. “Is it a woman?”

Technically yes. Eddie winced, rubbing a hand over his stubble. “I went on a few dates recently with someone.” He said vaguely, already knowing that this was going to spread across the station like wildfire. “She texted me this morning and I’m trying to figure out what to say back. Or if I should say anything at all.”

“Can I see it?”

Reluctantly, Eddie slid over his phone. 

Hen squinted at the message, then looked up at Eddie in exasperation. “Eddie, you’re overthinking this. Just wish her a good morning back.”

“That’s it?” He asked in surprise. “I don’t need to, I don’t know, tell her she’s beautiful or anything?”

“You can if you want to, but not if it doesn’t come naturally.” Hen made a face. “There’s nothing worse than men giving forced compliments just because they’re trying to flatter you or get into your pants. I mean, I don’t think there’s anything worse than a man trying to get into your pants  _ period _ , but you get what I’m saying.”

Eddie did, and it made him feel a little better as he replied to Ana with a simple message. He wasn’t withholding, he was just being respectful.

When he finished, he looked up to see Hen and Chimney exchanging amused glances and felt his hackles raise. “I have game.” Eddie defended himself, reading their nonverbal communication as if they had spoken aloud. “I’m just…”

“Rusty?” Chimney suggested, snickering a little. 

“It’s fine Eddie.” Hen quelled Chimney with a look. “At least you’re not putting yourself on a cringey dating site for people with firefighter fetishes-”

“Hey!” Protested Chimney. “That is in the  _ past _ . Now I have a brilliant, beautiful girlfriend and a daughter on the way. So I feel that I am  _ more than  _ qualified to dole out dating and relationship advice.”

Eddie nodded along, pinching his face into a thoughtful expression. “You’re right Chim. You’ve built a beautiful life for yourself with Maddie -”

“ _ Thank you _ , Eddie.” 

“... and little Insert-Name-Here.”

Hen laughed loudly as Chimney shook his head in mock dismay at the joke. 

“You know, the more you say it, the more I’m getting attached to it. Insertnamehere. It’s almost…. musical. Lyrical.”

“Just know that she’ll have a hell of a time finding her name on a mug.”

Chimney pointed an accusing finger at the pair of them.

“This is why we’re not letting you guys have any input!”

* * *

  
  


Buck had seen forms like this before. 

When he was a teenager he’d only gotten as far as the  _ why are you seeking treatment _ question before he set it down and refused to fill out any more of it, leaving his mom to finish filling it out for him. 

When Bobby had made him go see Dr. Wells, he had skimmed through much of it, only answering what he thought was relevant and leaving the rest marked  _ n/a _ . It had all felt invasive and unnecessary for one counseling session about a specific event anyway.

With Frank, Buck had put in the effort to be more thorough: partially because he’d have felt like a hypocrite after all the nagging he’d put Maddie through about being honest with her therapist, but also because he knew that he needed help.

Still, he remembered when he got to a  _ certain _ section of the form and the way his eyes had just skipped straight over it, with little more than a small clench of his gut. 

It didn’t have anything to do with his leg, so why would Frank need to know?

Then, of course, there’d been the whole ‘Frank finding out about Dr. Wells’ debacle. Which had led to a lot of discussions about Buck’s sex life, and okay - it _had_ occured to him on more than one occasion that maybe he should have been honest from the start. But he truly hadn’t intended on ever telling Frank and most likely wouldn’t have if Benji hadn’t died last summer.

This time, Buck was really trying.

He went through every question with painstaking detail even if he did side-eye a few of them ( _ Why _ did they need to know about his high school grades or his ADHD?). 

Family history was a bit tricky. Buck wasn’t sure if the Uncle/Aunt category included non-blood relatives, so he just put a question mark in that box under “drinking problem.” 

The prior illnesses/accidents section was not nearly big enough and Buck already found himself scribbling into the side-margins by the time he got to the emergency tracheotomy that Abby had performed on their first date. There also wasn’t enough room for all of his previous odd-jobs but Buck wasn’t exactly proud to put all of them down so he just narrowed it to the most significant. 

The page about substance abuse left him feeling a little better because those were all mostly “no _ ” _ s, although he knew that “age of first use: thirteen _ ” _ would be a red flag for any mental health professional (or anyone really). 

Then the next page was the section he’d been dreading. 

_ History of abuse _ .

Buck felt the momentum he’d been building grind to an abrupt halt. 

He knew it was coming, but he still felt that strong pull to just skip over it. That habit developed from over a decade of avoidance and denial. 

Quickly, before he could second-guess it too much, Buck checked the box next to ‘ _ physical.’  _ And, after a second moment of hesitation, the one next to ‘ _ sexual’  _ as well.

Buck handed the form back to the front desk, feeling oddly like he was back in school and turning in a test he hadn’t really studied for but had given his best shot. He was half-expecting the receptionist to start grading it then and there, slashing through his answers with a red pen. 

Of course she didn’t, she just tucked it away in a folder without reading it and asked him to take a seat until his appointment time.

Eventually he was led back to an office toward the back end of the building. 

A woman, presumably Dr. April Monroe, opened the door and stuck her hand out at him. She looked to be in her late forties although this was LA so that could mean she was in her sixties.

“Hi Evan, I’m Dr. Monroe. Most of my patients call me Dr. M or Monroe, although Dr. Monroe is fine if you feel more comfortable. I’ll only ask that you don’t call me April. It’s not that I mind the familiarity, I’ve just never been a fan of my first name.” 

Buck smiled as he shook her hand, “Oh same here - I like to go by Buck, not Evan.”

“Well then we have something in common,  _ Buck _ .” Monroe smiled at him, gesturing for him to come take a seat.

The office was small but cozy, filled with plants and floor to ceiling bookcases. There was no rhyme or reason to the way that the books were organized, stacked haphazardly on top of each at angles. That didn’t appear to be the result of a lack of care, but rather that all the books looked like they were taken out frequently and with short notice.

There were two chairs in the corner, a few feet away from each other, and Buck took the one that was further away from the desk. He couldn’t help the exhale of stress he released as he sank down into the cushions.

Monroe gave him an understanding smile. “Nervous?”

“A bit.” Buck admitted, crossing his ankle onto his knee in an attempt to keep his leg from bouncing. “I don’t have the best track record with therapy.”

“You mentioned that you were recommended by Dr. Thornton. Any reason that didn’t work out?”

Buck shrugged. “I’m a firefighter, and I met Frank through the LAFD. I started working with him last year after I was injured on the job and he was great, I just… it was kind of hard to talk about some of the personal stuff with him. Since he was connected to my job. Maybe it’s stupid, but I just didn’t feel comfortable with that.”

‘“I wouldn’t call that stupid at all.” Monroe countered, pulling out a small pad and jotting something down. When she saw Buck’s eyes tracking her movements, she gave him a small smile. “Just for my own personal record. I find that it helps to keep track of our conversation, especially as I’m getting to know someone. My memory is good, but I like to make sure I don’t slip up on the details.”

“Oh yeah that’s fine.” Buck forced his eyes away from the notepad. The whole point of coming here was to be analyzed, there was no point in letting himself feel self-conscious about it. 

“So was that the first time you ever worked with a therapist?”

“I saw another therapist for one session after my first loss on the job, back when I had just started. I didn’t find it helpful.” Buck evaded, not wanting to get into the Dr. Wells debacle within five minutes of meeting this lady. He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable; or worse, give Monroe the impression that he would try to sleep with her. 

“Before that, I saw a therapist when I was a teenager. But my mom sort of forced me to go and that wasn’t helpful either.” He gave a little side-nod as he admitted: “I didn’t really try. I didn’t want to be there, so I didn’t try.”

Dr. Monroe nodded, tapping a clipboard on the desk next to her. “Was that in relation to the abuse that you mentioned on your patient intake form?”

As much as it was jarring to hear her say that so casually, Buck felt some of the tension dissipate and the tightness in his shoulders loosened a little. He didn’t have to be the one to figure out how to bring that up. “Yeah, it was because of that. But I didn’t want to talk about it and she - the therapist - kept trying to make me. I’d make it almost a game - see how much time I could fill up talking about everything else. Eventually I convinced my mom that I didn’t need it.”

“Treatment only works if you want to be there.” Monroe pointed out. “That makes working with children, especially teenagers, oftentimes more challenging than adults. But I take it this time you’re making this choice yourself?”

“Yes.” Buck said firmly, almost as much to her as to himself. “Yes, I want to be here.”

“Good.” Monroe smiled at him. “Well that’s step one. And it’s not an easy one, so you’re already doing great work.”

An embarrassing little thrill of validation shot through him. That was silly: she was a therapist. It was literally her job to make him feel good about himself. Still, it was nice to hear.

“Why don’t you start by telling me why you decided to seek treatment and what you’re hoping to get out of treatment with me?” Monroe suggested. “Then I can tell you a little more about myself and my professional experience and we can decide whether or not we’d like to work together.”

“Okay…” Buck really should have come prepared with a plan. He might not have been to therapy that often, but he had enough experience to know the deal. The straightforward way to go about it would be to just start by telling her about his childhood, and his parents, and Benji. 

But then Monroe wouldn’t really know  _ him _ . She’d know about his past, and this thing that had happened to him, and it would make her see him as something that he wasn’t. And if she didn’t really know him, how was she supposed to help him?

“Were you here, for the Tsunami last year?” Buck asked instead.

The therapist he saw back in high school would’ve pinched her eyebrows together at that, called him out for deflecting.  _ You’re changing the subject again _ .

Monroe took it in stride though. “I was.” She nodded. “I live in Sherman Oaks, so I wasn’t directly affected. I remember that day very well though. I was watching the news for updates all day, and checking social media to make sure everyone I knew was okay.I’ve also spoken to a lot of my patients about it.”

“Right, yeah.” Buck relaxed a little more, glad that she had at least some level of understanding of what that day had been like. “I wasn’t working that day, I was still recovering from an injury from a few months back. I was looking after my best friend’s son that day, and we went to the pier. So we were there when the wave hit.”

Monroe’s eyebrows rose. “Oh wow.”

“ _ Yeah _ . I grabbed Christopher - my best friend’s son - and booked it but I quickly realized we weren’t going to get off the pier. So I found one of those game stalls and tucked him in there and then jumped in after him just as the wave was hitting. I tried to hold onto him but got ripped away pretty much immediately. And the water was… ”

Everywhere. Just pressure on every inch of his body, relentlessly pulling him closer and closer to oblivion. Burning his nostrils and his eyes and mouth and his lungs. Crushing his chest and beating down every thought from his head except the alternating mantras of  _ I’m gonna die  _ and  _ Christopher. _

“That was the worst day of my life.” Buck told her frankly. “That moment, when I thought that not only was I going to die, but  _ Christopher  _ was dead. After the wave crashed, I was able to get to Christopher and he was okay, just a couple scratches. I kept him safe until the water receded and he got knocked into the water and… I lost him. And honestly that was worse than when the wave hit, because it was totally my fault and preventable. I should’ve been paying more attention to him and instead I was playing hero and it’s a miracle that someone else ended up finding him and keeping him safe.”

Unlike with Maddie, Monroe didn’t immediately protest when Buck explained how he really felt about the Tsunami. She just jotted a few things down onto her pad. Buck knew that didn’t necessarily mean she agreed with him, but it was nice to be able to just talk about it without worrying about the feelings of someone who was personally involved.

So he kept going. “So yeah, that was the worst day of my life. And a few months before that, I was injured at work. I almost lost my leg, actually Even after I regained all my mobility I had issues with blood clots and almost died from a pulmonary embolism and then there was this whole complicated mess where I almost didn’t get to go back to work at all… so I guess you could argue  _ that _ was the worst thing that ever happened to me.”

Buck really expected Monroe to interrupt him, to ask him  _ what was the point _ . But she just nodded along, continuing to write in her notepad.

“And there’s been… there’s been  _ so many  _ other things.” Buck continued, trying to keep his voice steady so that it didn’t sound like he was complaining, or whining. Because that wasn’t what he was trying to do. He wasn’t trying to get any pity points. “With my job you kind of have to get used to it, you know? Almost dying, losing people, even your team, your  _ family. _ ” 

He thought about the moment he saw Chimney with the rebar sticking through his head, the way that his blood had turned ice cold. Buck had only just been coming to terms with the idea that he couldn’t save everyone they tried to help - he wasn’t ready to cope with the possibility of not being able to save someone he actually loved.

That feeling had been the same when Bobby was dragged under by the force of the plane sinking at the Liberty Jet crash. It had fueled the stubbornness pulsing through his blood when they were digging Hen out from under the Hollywood Palm hotel. Had pitched him forward after the lightning strike had buried Eddie forty feet deep, clawing at the wet earth half-mad because he couldn’t lose Eddie, never  _ Eddie. _

“You learn to get through it. You have to keep fighting, because that’s your job.” He explained, not really sure how to articulate it to someone who wasn’t a first responder. “You fight and you go back home and celebrate the victories because if you focus on the losses they’ll eat you alive. Because if you dwell on them then you freeze up. You hesitate, and people die.”

Monroe tapped her pen against her chin, her dark eyes thoughtful. “Is that something that you’re worried about?” She asked him, her tone steady. “Has your trauma affected your work?”

“No.” Buck assured her, shaking his head. He paused, trying to get his thoughts in order. In his head, it  _ almost  _ made sense. “It hasn’t affected my work, and I think that’s part of why it’s taken me this long to ask for help. Because when I’m at work - I’m happy. I’m really, really happy. I love what I do. I love my teammates, they’re family to me. Before I became a firefighter - I was pretty lost. I didn’t have anything or anyone. I felt - like I wasn’t worth anything.”

_ That _ got a fairly aggressive scribble on the pad, and Buck raised his eyebrows, distracted.

“What, is that bad?”

Monroe followed his gaze and looked -  _ amused _ , almost? “Really, don’t mind me.” She told him. “Nothing you say is bad or wrong, you’re just telling me how you honestly feel. There’s no right or wrong answer here.”

“That’s a very therapist-y response.” 

“Well, I am a therapist. But please, continue. I promise I’m not judging you or anything that you’re saying.”

Buck sighed, trying to get back on track. To get to the point. “Work isn’t the problem. It’s when I’m not working. I don’t - I dunno. I don’t really have a life, outside work. All my friends are work friends, and then I have my sister, except my sister is dating and having a kid with one of my coworkers. So really it’s all work.”

Monroe dipped her head into a little half-shrug. “That’s not unusual, for people who work long hours.” She pointed out. “I don’t treat many first responders, but I’ve worked with a lot of people in the entertainment industry. Long hours, spending all your time at work, it tends to create close friendships. I imagine that is doubly the case with how dangerous your job is, and how much trust you need to have in your team - your family, as you’ve called them.”

“Right, but the thing is they all have families of their own.” He explained, feeling that familiar hollow ache. “They all have somebody. And I’ve tried that, I just can’t seem to make it work. Every time it’s like - I dunno it’s like I’m not enough. Or I’m too much. Nobody wants to stick around.”

_ Because I missed you, I wanted to see you. But I didn’t trust myself. _

_ Because being here… being with  _ me _. You might lose yourself again. _

_ Yeah. _

Buck swallowed hard, the memory of his last conversation with Abby burning in his chest. Being with Abby had felt so real to him, like this was  _ it _ . Finally someone who would love him, who he could let himself love without any fear of being hurt. 

But while Buck was finding himself with Abby, she had been losing herself. And the only way for her to find herself again, to be happy, was to get away from him. 

And never come back.

“I just… sometimes I feel like there’s something wrong with me.” Buck admitted, his voice already wavering in his own ears - a warning sign that his eyes were about to start running. He hated how easily he cried, and really wished Eddie could give him advice on how to lock that shit down better. “And when I was younger I didn’t really let anyone stay around long enough to see it. At work it’s fine because I have  _ value  _ there. I’m useful, I’m needed.”

He inhaled deeply, bracing himself as he continued. “But in a relationship? Even if I think I’m doing everything right I still manage to get it wrong. And I don’t know if it’s because I’m doing something wrong and everyone can see it except me. Or if I’m not even doing anything wrong, but it’s just - that’s who I am.  _ I’m _ just wrong. Or broken.” 

He sniffed, wiping at his nose that had started to run. Monroe handed him a box of tissues with a soft smile but other than that didn’t move to touch or comfort him. 

That made Buck feel better, seeing that she wasn’t appalled by what he’d said. Because it felt dark, and ugly, and if he ever said anything like that to Maddie or his friends he knew he’d never be able to escape the worried glances. Wouldn’t be able to understand that he could feel this way and still be happy when he was around them.

“Buck, I might have only just met you, but I can confidently tell you that you’re not ‘broken.’” Monroe told him after he tossed the tissue into the little trashcan between their chairs. “Partially because I don’t think of anyone as ‘wrong’ or ‘broken’, I don’t find that constructive. But also because from the conversation that we’ve had I can already tell that you’re someone who cares, very deeply, for the people in your life and for people outside of it. You’re intelligent: you think about and feel things on a very deep level. I’m impressed by the level of introspection and self-awareness that you’ve demonstrated just by talking about some of your experiences, and how they relate to each other. It takes a lot of people years of therapy to get to that point.”

Buck shrugged, feeling a smile fighting it’s way onto his face in spite of his self-consciousness.  _ Intelligent  _ wasn’t a compliment he got often. “I guess you can thank Frank for that.”

“Hmm, I do think that there are some things I can help you with, maybe starting with some self-esteem issues and a tendency to deflect praise.” Monroe replied lightly, which made Buck actually laugh, feeling called out. 

“Hey, you can ask anyone at my station, I know how to accept praise.” Buck informed her. “Maybe a little  _ too well _ , if you ask them.”

“Well, that’s something I would also like us to dive into a little deeper, if you decide to move forward with treatment.” Monroe flipped back a few pages in her notepad, glanced down and nodded. “How you described your feelings of self-worth as being directly connected to your job.”

“You said that wasn’t bad!” 

“It’s not bad.” She huffed out a little laugh through her nose at that, which made Buck echo her with his own soft chuckle. He actually did feel comfortable with her, and it had taken less time to get to this point than it had with Frank. Maybe this could work. “That doesn’t mean it’s not  _ significant _ .”

Buck nodded, thinking. “So… those are the things you want to talk about?” He glanced at the clock, which was nearly out of time. “If I decide to do another session, I mean.”

“I think those would be good places to start, yes.” He frowned, confused, which Monroe clearly caught onto. “Unless you’d prefer to talk about something else.”

“No, that sounds good I just…” Buck trailed off, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. “You’re not - don’t I need to tell you about it? What happened to me when I was a kid? You don’t need me to tell you about it?”

Monroe looked steadily back at him. “You can. Or you can choose not to. It’s up to you.”

“You’re not gonna make me?”

“No.” Monroe said flatly. “I’m not going to make you do anything. I can encourage you and try to help you, but forcing you to talk about something you’re not comfortable with disclosing to me would only cause damage to our working relationship. You can tell me when and if you’re ready, and you can tell as much or as little as you want to.”

The last bit of tension Buck had been feeling left him. 

Oh. Oh thank god. 

He thought about the therapist he’d been forced to see when he was in high school, how basically the first question out of her mouth had been:  _ tell me about your uncle. _ How that had made his hackles rise and put him on the defensive to the point that he almost dreaded going to therapy as much as he had meeting with his family’s lawyer.

Buck knew that he should talk to Monroe about Beji. That was the whole point. He didn’t know if that was the source of his relationship issues or if he was fucking everything up all on his own, but if there was a chance then he had to try. He was just so tired of being alone.

Still, it was a relief to know that it could be on his own time. That it was within his control.

“I guess… part of the point I was trying to make earlier is that… I’ve been through worse.” Buck told her, wincing a bit at how that sounded. “Not that - I’m not trying to say that what I’ve been through is worse than other people, because I know people who have it a lot worse.” Like Maddie. Or Eddie. Or Bobby. Or Athena - hell,  _ everyone _ in his makeshift family had been through more than Buck had. 

“But the things that I went through last year, almost losing my leg, almost losing  _ Christopher  _ in that Tsunami - those are the worst things that have ever happened to me. And I got through them, I fought my way through them. I pushed myself through my recovery. I kept searching for Christopher until I knew he was safe. I fought through it and I got past it and all of that was worse and I just…”

He trailed off, not really sure how to finish the thought.

“Want to know why you can’t just fight through this?” Monroe suggested.

Buck nodded, swallowing hard.

“You’ll get there. But it’s a different kind of fight, and one that requires a lot of patience.” She warned. “Unfortunately there’s not a pill I can prescribe that will make everything better.” Her serious face morphed into an encouraging smile. “I think you’re up for it, though. Don’t you?”

_ If I learned one thing from that Tsunami, it’s that I don’t quit. I fight. _

“Yeah.” Buck agreed, jutting his chin up, for once hoping that Benji was looking down on him so that he could see Buck mentally giving him the middle finger. “I am.”

* * *

**9-1-1 Operator:** **  
** **_9-1-1, what is your emergency?_ **

**Caller:** **  
** **_I was - I was trying to propose to my girlfriend. I had a bunch of candles that spelled out Marry Me. I left for two seconds to let her into my apartment building… and when I came back everything was on fire!_ **

* * *

“So what do we think?” Hen asked over the comm as they were heading to the scene. “Romantic or stupid?”

“Can’t it be both?” Chimney replied at the same time Eddie declared: “ _ Stupid _ .”

“Who leaves their apartment with  _ candles  _ burning in it?” Eddie continued when Hen and Chimney turned to them. “It’s idiotic is what it is.”

“He wanted to surprise her.” Defended Chimney. “What was he supposed to do, let her in and then make her close her eyes while he went around lighting hundreds of candles?”

“Use electric candles. Or just don’t propose with candles at all.”

“I’m just saying, I see where he was coming from.” Chimney shrugged. “It  _ could’ve  _ been romantic, if not for the whole setting the building on fire thing.”

Bobby chimed in from the front: “Chim, I hope you’re not getting any ideas back there.”

“Oh god no.” He laughed. “Maddie does  _ not  _ want an over-the-top proposal like that, trust me. That’s on the cringe list right underneath public proposals.”

“So you guys are talking about it then?” Eddie asked, feeling his curiosity piqued. “You’re thinking of proposing soon?”

Chimney shook his head. “We’ve talked about it, but I wouldn’t say ‘soon.’ You know, don’t want to rush anything.”

Hen nodded in mock-understanding. “ _ Glaciers _ -” She began.

“ _ No _ , we just have a lot going on with the baby, and we’re going to get married when it makes sense to us.”

“No one’s saying you have to get married now.” Hen pointed out. “You guys are basically already engaged, why not just make it official?”

“We don’t want to get engaged just because everyone expects us to.” Chimney explained, although he didn’t even sound convinced. “We got brunch with Maddie’s parents the other day and her mom attempted to get Maddie to try her ring on.  _ Very  _ subtle.”

Eddie snorted, able to picture that a little too well. He had to wonder though… “So are you saying that you guys don’t want to get engaged yet and you’re not going to let anyone else influence that? Or are you saying that everyone expects you to get engaged  _ therefore  _ you’re not going to do it?”

He must have hit the nail on the head, because Chimney opened and closed his mouth a few times before responding. “I don’t… I hadn’t really thought about it like that. Damn.”

Hen patted him on the shoulder, shooting Eddie a thumbs up. “Just some food for thought.”

They reached the scene and the conversation derailed as they all split off to their appointed tasks. Eddie was paired with Ari, who practically tripped over his own feet, probably still not used to the weight of his turnout gear. 

He looked up at the smoking building with large, almost cartoon eyes. “Whoa.” He turned to Eddie. “You ever seen anything like this before?”

“More than a few times.” Eddie assured him, feeling his uneasiness at being on a major call like this without Buck fade away. Bobby pairing him up with Ari was a sign of trust, as the captain usually liked to take on mentorship of any young inexperienced probies. “You and I are going to do a sweep of the first floor, can you handle it?”

“I - yes.  _ Yes _ .” Ari nodded, visibly swallowing his anxiety, transforming it into determination. “I can handle it.”

“Alright, let’s move out.”

Most of the building had already evacuated by the time they got there, but they knocked on every door in the hall anyway. 

“LAFD, call out!”

There was no responses, not even the frantic barking or meowing of a pet left behind. The fire had originated on the south side of the fourth floor, and had only spread to the third, fifth, and sixth floor so far. The smoke on the first floor wasn’t nearly as bad as it was sure to be toward the top of the building, but the biggest risk would be heavy furniture and appliances falling through because of structural damage to the floors above - particularly toward the south side, which was at the back of the building.

As the neared the end of the hall, Ari banged loudly on a door with a little  _ There’s no place like Home  _ wreath on the door. 

“LAFD, call -”

_ “Help!”  _ It was faint, but they could hear it through the door.  _ “Please, somebody help!” _

Eddie moved next to Ari, cupping his hands to the door. “LAFD, we’re coming in! Back away from the door.”

He pulled out his Halligan, hitting the door at the latch to weaken it with a strong baseball swing, before wedging the adze in the little gap that had created, prying it open after about fifteen seconds of effort. 

Then he and Ari were rushing into the apartment, looking around for whoever had called out. There didn’t appear to be any damage, just some light smoke. 

“In here!” A female voice was calling from what appeared to be a bathroom door. 

Thankfully, this door wasn’t locked and they were able to get in without any effort. There was a young woman sitting on the floor, gripping both her calves as her face twisted in agony. 

“Oh thank god!” She exclaimed, as Eddie bent down to examine her. “I was in the shower when I heard the fire alarm go off, and I was rushing to get dressed and I slipped and - I think I sprained my ankles.  _ Both  _ of them. I didn’t even know that was possible. I feel like such an idiot.”

“Hey, hey you’re not. Believe me I’ve seen far worse.” Eddie assured her, keeping his tone light and gentle - a deviation from his  _ dad voice _ he’d learned to adopt just for situations like this. “Can you tell me, do you know if you hit your head when you fell?”

“No, definitely not.”

“Okay that’s really good. And I’m not going to ask you to wiggle your toes for me because I’m sure that’ll hurt, but can you bend your knees? Just want to make sure you still have mobility.”

With a wince, the woman lifted her legs one at a time at the knees. 

“That’s great. You’re doing awesome.” Eddie reached for his radio. “Hey Cap, this is Eddie. Ari and I need a backboard and a couple extra hands for transport toward the South side of floor one. Got a civilian with two injured ankles.”

His radio crackled back. “ _ You might have to stand by for a few minutes while we wait for someone to free up.” _

“Copy that.” He turned back to the woman, fixing his face with an easy smile. “What’s your name?”

“Shannon.”

Eddie didn’t let his smile slip, although it did freeze.

While it might not be common, Shannon wasn’t a rare name either. Eddie encountered a lot of people on his job, and odds were that he would encounter more than a few women named Shannon. He probably had without even realizing it, honestly.

But here, on this call, already feeling out of sorts today, it hit him differently. 

“Hi Shannon, I’m Eddie and this is Ari. We just need you to hang in for a couple minutes while we wait for a medical transport. In the meantime, I’m going to put this mask on you so you don’t inhale too much smoke, okay?”

“Okay.” She let him slip the mask on without any complaint. 

Eddie offered his hand out to her and she squeezed it tightly. 

Above them, he could hear the sound of the fire roaring. After about a minute of waiting, Eddie went for his radio again.

“Got an ETA on that backboard, Cap?”

_ “Maybe two minutes.” _

Before Eddie could respond, a different voice crackled over the radio.

_ “This is Sanchez - fire’s spread to the second floor and the floor there is now unstable.” _

Ari shot an alarmed look at Eddie, before glancing up at the ceiling above them. There was heavy smoke starting to come through the vents.

_ “Okay, if that floor is clear, I want everyone out. No going back for pets. Eddie, Ari, you need to clear out too. You’re going to have to transport the old-fashioned way.” _

“Copy.” Eddie turned to Ari, who was looking back at him with wide-eyes. “I’m gonna grab a chair from the kitchen.”

“Chair-carry?”

“Yeah.” He stood up, clapping a hand on Ari’s shoulder before launching himself into the main area of the apartment.

He crossed the kitchen in four strides, grabbing one of the cheap plastic chairs at the table.

An almighty groan sounded from above.

That was the only warning Eddie had before the ceiling crashed down on top of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs:  
> Some very, very mild internalized biphobia (in Eddie’s section).  
> The non-consensual sex between Buck and Dr. Wells is mentioned but never discussed (it is also not mentioned as being non-consensual although I would like to make it very clear that patients in therapy cannot consent to sex with their therapists).  
> Sexual and physical child abuse is mentioned, but never described beyond that.  
> Underage drinking is mentioned once.  
> Benji is mentioned a few times, and his possible alcoholism is mentioned once.
> 
> Notes:
> 
> The ‘insert-name-here’ bit was a joke, not a writing mistake, in case anyone was wondering. 
> 
> Also, don't hate me


	10. On my mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sudden, drastic suspicion struck Buck. “Eddie.”
> 
> _“Yes?”_
> 
> “Are you in the ambulance?” Buck asked him with dawning horror. “Or are you _in_ the ambulance?”
> 
> Another significant pause. _“So listen…”_ Eddie began. _“I am fine-”_
> 
> “Oh my god.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew!
> 
> This chapter would not STOP WRITING ITSELF, so here you go. Extra-long, and extra-early.
> 
> (I think this is my favorite chapter that I've ever written, so please please enjoy).

It was early afternoon when Buck got back to his apartment, feeling like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. 

He’d gone to therapy and it hadn’t totally sucked. There was a frankness and clarity to Monroe that he actually really liked - Buck could tell that she wouldn’t bullshit around with him. 

Buck wasn’t an idiot: he knew part of the relief came from not having to talk directly about Benji like he’d been dreading. He also knew that he would need to talk to her about him, but knowing that it could be at his own pace gave him at least a small sense of control.

And, even as he thought the words, Buck wondered if maybe that was the point. 

_Control_.

It was certainly food for thought, but for another time. 

Right now, Buck was in the mood to do something _fun_ _,_ so he pulled out his phone and called up his quasi-brother-in-law.

 _“Hello Buck!”_ Albert’s chipper voice answered. 

“Hey man, just wondering what your day looked like.”

Buck, knowing that Albert worked nights and usually spent his days sleeping in and lounging around Chimney and Maddie’s apartment, predicted Albert’s answer before he even spoke. _“Uh, not a lot going on at the moment.”_ His voice turned more eager. _“Why, you want to hang out?”_

He smiled at the excitement in Albert’s tone. Chimney’s brother may have been welcomed into the 118 with loving arms, but there was a pretty big age gap between Albert and most of Chimney’s friends. Buck could relate, even though in the past few years it had become less significant for him, especially with Eddie and his maturity bridging the gap.

Still, it was fun to be the older "wise" one for once. And Buck knew that Albert liked hanging out with him, since Buck was probably the only one at the 118 who didn’t think of him as a “kid.”

“Yeah, would you be down for a hike or something?” 

_“Oh hell yeah.”_ Albert enthused. _“There’s this great trail up in Malibu my buddy was telling me about, want to check that out?”_

Buck also knew that Albert liked hanging out with him because Buck had a _car._

“Yeah that sounds good,” Buck agreed, grinning now. He loved hiking but didn’t get to go as often as he wanted since it was usually a day-trip kind of thing and Hen and Chimney weren’t willing to sink that much time into it. And the one time he’d asked Maddie, her nose had wrinkled in disgust and she’d said _“Ew. You mean… like, in_ nature? _"_

He’d been with Bobby a couple times until Bobby started refusing to hike with him which Buck supposed had something to do with all the times Buck would jog ahead and then jog back just to burn off some energy (he might’ve also teased Bobby for his old age while doing so). Eddie was definitely the best hiking companion by far because they were evenly matched, but it was hard for him to make the time.

Buck’s phone buzzed with an incoming call and he pulled back to look at it.

Speaking of Eddie…

“Hey Albert, I’ve got a call I need to take but can you text me with the details on that trail you mentioned?” Buck asked, finger hovering over the “accept” button. “And then I can pick you up in forty-five, yeah?”

_“Better make it a full hour, I still need to process my coffee.”_

“Copy.” Buck disconnected the call and answered Eddie’s call. “Hey Eddie, what’s up?”

He had a feeling he knew what, exactly, was _up_ _._ Monroe’s appointments had been limited and her only available slot right away had been on a day that Buck had a shift. So Buck had to ask Gardner to swap shifts with him, with Buck agreeing to give up one of his days off next week in exchange for Gardner’s today (Buck had been picking up Gardner’s unwanted shifts all month, so it hadn’t taken much convincing).

The thing was, he’d only told Bobby about it. Which meant he had violated the unspoken rule Buck and Eddie had about telling each other when they changed their schedules. So Eddie had likely walked into the station this morning expecting Buck to be there.

It wasn’t like Buck thought he needed to keep therapy a secret because he was afraid of being judged; Eddie had been surprisingly open about seeing Frank last year. It was more than he didn’t want to feel pressured into not quitting if he decided he wasn’t ready.

Surprisingly, the first thing out of Eddie’s mouth wasn’t _Buck where are you?_

 _“Hey Buck.”_ There were sirens in the background and Buck had to cup the phone to his ear to make out Eddie’s voice. _“I was wondering if you could do me a favor.”_

“Sure, anything.” Buck said automatically, thoughts of his hike with Albert flying out the window. 

_“Can you pick Christopher up from school? Carla’s busy today and I was supposed to get off early and get him but I don’t think I’m going to make it in time.”_

Buck’s stomach twisted. His first instinct was excitement at the thought of seeing Christopher because he’d missed him, followed immediately by nausea as his dad’s words weaseled into his brain.

_People might get the wrong -_

_No_ _,_ he told the nasty voice in his head sternly. Eddie didn’t think that. Eddie was asking him to pick Christopher up. Eddie trusted Buck. 

His dad could fuck off.

“Of course,” Buck agreed, just as his phone buzzed with a text from Albert, with a link to a trailhead website. Aw shit, he forgot about Albert. “What time?”

_“School ends at three but he can be in after school care until six-thirty if necessary.”_

“Not necessary, I’ll get him at three.” Buck assured Eddie, typing out a text to Albert with an apology. Hypothetically he could probably still manage the hike with Albert and pick Christopher up by six-thirty, but it would be a tight squeeze even if they didn’t run into horrible traffic coming back on PCH, and it would cost Eddie extra money. Hopefully Albert would understand.

There was a huge sigh of relief over the phone. _“Thanks man, I really appreciate it.”_

Buck frowned as the sirens wailed even louder. “Are you in the truck?” He asked, trying to figure out why the sound was so deafening.

The long pause before Eddie answered gave Buck a few moments to become even more certain in his assessment. _“No, why?”_

“The sirens. It’s so loud. Are you standing right next to the engine or something?”

_“I’m in the ambulance.”_

Oh, that made sense. Except it didn’t, because Eddie never rode in the ambulance on the way to a scene and it was very un-Eddie to be calling Buck if he was with a patient.

A sudden, drastic suspicion struck Buck. “Eddie.”

_“Yes?”_

“Are you in the ambulance?” Buck asked him with dawning horror. “Or are you _in_ the ambulance?”

Another significant pause. _“So listen…”_ Eddie began. _“I am fine-”_

“Oh my god.”

_“No really I’m fine, they’re just transporting me as a precaution.”_

“Eddie what the hell?!”

 _“Just a minor accident on a call, nothing major.”_ Eddie insisted, and he had the audacity to sound frustrated! With Buck! As if _he_ were the one who called Eddie up and pretended everything was fine while being transported to the hospital. _“There’s no need to freak out, Hen is right here and she wouldn’t be letting me call you if -”_

“Give Hen the phone.” 

A beat. _“Well, she’s a little busy, Buck.”_

“Oh she is? I thought you were fine! What could she be busy with then?”

Eddie released a beleaguered sigh, before there was a shuffling noise and Hen’s strained yet amused voice sounded across the line. _“Hi Buck.”_

“How bad is it?” Buck demanded, trying not to sound as stressed as he felt. 

He was also actively trying not to think about the _last_ time Eddie had been transported in an ambulance, after being trapped in a forty-foot deep hole and nearly drowning _and_ freezing to death. At least Buck had been there that time, able to keep Eddie’s hand between his own and slowly feel the warmth coming back to him as he struggled not to cry in utter relief.

 _“Not bad.”_ Hen assured him, and only then was Buck able to relax because there were few people he trusted in the world as much as Henrietta Wilson. _“Mostly just some scrapes and bruises. But he did hit his head and he was a little out of it for a minute there so we’re going to get him checked out for a concussion.”_

Buck flinched. A concussion. That could either be not a big deal, or really, really bad. It could mean weeks or months of recovery. Or even permanent damage. It could be career-ending.

Almost as if she could read his mind, Hen added, _“If it is a concussion I think it’s mild, Buck.”_

“Okay.” Buck shook himself out of his spiralling thoughts and forced himself to focus on the task at hand. _Christopher._ Someone needed to look after Christopher and that was the most important thing that Buck could do for Eddie right now. “What hospital are you guys going to?”

_“LAC/USC. We’re five minutes out.”_

That was where Buck had all his leg treatments, so he was more than familiar. It was also conveniently only fifteen minutes from his apartment. 

Even though Hen couldn’t see him, Buck nodded into the phone, a plan beginning to form. “Okay, can you give the phone back to Eddie?”

More shuffling across the line and then Eddie was back. _“Yes?”_

“Hey so after I pick Chris up what do you want me to do? Do you want me to bring him straight to you?”

Eddie groaned and Buck could picture him rubbing his forehead. _“No. I don’t know how long I’ll be there and I don’t want to stress him out. He’s used to hospitals but I don’t want him to get_ too _used to them, you know?”_

“Yeah, makes sense.” Buck started tidying up his apartment as he spoke, realizing that he didn’t have that much time before he needed to go pick Christopher up. “So how about this: I go pick him up and bring him back to my place, he can hang out and do his homework and then when you’re ready we can come get you and I can drive you both home. Sound good?”

 _“That’s… that sounds perfect.”_ The relief in Eddie’s voice was so palpable Buck could almost feel it through the phone. _“Thank you Buck. Seriously.”_

“It’s no trouble.” Buck insisted, stuffing the takeout boxes from last night into the trash and tying up the bag so that he could take it out to the dumpster. “Just focus on getting your pretty head fixed and try actually listening to what the doctor tells you.”

There were a few moments of silence, during which Buck just barely had time to realize that he’d called Eddie’s head “pretty” before Eddie chuckled. _“I can’t believe_ you’re _lecturing me about that, but I’ll do my best.”_ There was the sound of muffled voices, before Eddie came back on. _“Hey, Hen’s telling me to get off the phone, she needs to do another eye-tracking test. I’ve got to go. Thanks again.”_

“Listen to what Hen tells you to do too,” Buck instructed, but Eddie had already hung up the phone. 

Right on cue, Albert replied to Buck’s text cancelling their hike. 

**Albert:** _awww bummer, what happened?_

 **Buck:** _eddie might have broken his brain (concussion) so I’m watching christopher. rain check?_

 **Albert:** _OH NO!!!! :(((((( Hope he’s okay_

 **Albert:** _and no problem, the trail’s not going anywhere._

* * *

Buck pulled into the parking lot of Christopher’s school and cursed almost immediately. He’d only been with Eddie a couple times to pick Christopher up but he knew that Eddie didn’t use the carpool line. The pickup line was really far away from the school doors and on a slight incline, so Eddie usually parked and walked in to pick Christopher up from the classroom where some of the kids would wait. Which meant that was where Christopher would be expecting him.

But of course, the only spots open in the parking lot were the handicap ones. And Buck didn’t have a sign.

He hovered with his foot on the brakes in the middle of the parking lot, craning his neck to see if a reasonably close spot would open up. Except it had been five minutes and nobody was budging.

Oh, and now there was an official-looking lady with a clipboard flagging him down.

Buck rolled his window down, a sheepish grimace on his face. “Hey, sorry.” He told her. “Just waiting for a spot.”

The woman nodded with a pinched, mildly irritated expression. She stretched an arm out, pointing to the carpool line, which was now stretched around the block. “Are you picking up? We have a carpool line for that.”

“Right, right.” Buck scratched the back of his neck with the hand not resting on the wheel. “I’m just - I don’t usually do pickup. I’m picking up my friend’s son and I know that he usually parks and goes in, because his son has CP and the carpool line is tough for him. Except I don’t have a handicap permit, so I figured I’d just wait for a spot.”

Now the woman’s face softened. “You’ll be waiting awhile.” She warned him. “Who are you picking up?”

“Christopher Diaz. I’m on the pickup list - Evan Buckley.” Or, he _should_ be. In theory. Eddie had mentioned that he was adding Buck back in the spring when they’d had a long, nasty conversation about what would happen if Eddie didn’t come home one day (a conversation that Buck actively did not think about).

“Oh, you’re here for Christopher.” The woman was smiling and Buck instantly decided that he liked her. Anyone who smiled at the mention of Christopher had her priorities in order. She flipped quickly through her clipboard and nodded. “And yes, you are on the list. Listen, just take the handicap parking spot.”

“You sure?”

“Absolutely, I’ll wait and make sure that no one harasses you about it.” The woman assured him.

Buck heaved a sigh of relief, taking one of the nearby handicap spots (he felt a little bit better about his lack of a permit when he saw that there were three other open handicap spots next to it). He jumped out of the jeep, took a few big steps toward the school.

Then stopped, his memory betraying him.

“Um…”

“You’ll want to take the south side entrance, then it’s the second hallway on the left, third door down.” The woman told him kindly and honestly Buck could have kissed her.

“Thank you - thank you, I owe you my life.” He told her over his shoulder as he jogged toward the school.

He nearly got turned around because he couldn’t remember if she said the first or second hallway, but after minimal trial-and-error was able to navigate to the right classroom, filled with the excitable chattering of kids.

Unsure whether or not he was just supposed to walk in, Buck knocked on the door.

A lovely woman with a bun full of dark curly hair and a blouse with little birds on it opened the door. “Hello, are you picking someone up?” She asked, her voice light and sweet.

“Um, yeah. I’m Evan Buckley I’m here for -”

_"BUCK?!”_

Christopher’s shout from across the room was deafening as he stood with a loud clatter.

“Christopher Diaz.” Buck finished unnecessarily, waving at Christopher who was pushing his way toward them through the gaggle of elementary schoolers. 

“Oh, just hang on Christopher.” The woman held up a gentle hand, looking caught off-guard as she looked through her own list. She relaxed slightly as her eyes apparently read Buck’s name. “Okay, you’re approved.” 

That was all the permission Christopher needed to launch himself at Buck’s torso, wrapping him in a tight hug. “I haven’t seen you for weeks, I missed you!”

Oh fuck him. Why had he been such an idiot? Letting his dad, letting _Benji_ get in the way of being there for this kid who mattered more to him than either of them ever had?

Buck leaned back to hug Christopher back, tussling his hair gently so as not to knock his glasses off. “Missed you too buddy. But guess what? We’re gonna get to hang out all afternoon, just us.”

Christopher, who was nothing if not perceptive, immediately asked: “Where’s dad? He was supposed to pick me up.”

The woman frowned, clearly concerned. Buck had been planning to talk to Christopher about this in the car, but now he was worried about making sure this lady didn’t think he was kidnapping Christopher. “Your dad’s fine, he just got in a little accident at work.” He told Christopher, much more calmly than he actually felt about the situation. “He just bumped his head a bit so he’s getting checked out by a doctor. He asked me to look after you until the doctor can make sure that he’s all good.”

In spite of Buck’s reassuring words, Christopher’s innocent face wrinkled with distress. Buck couldn’t blame him for being scared: his mom had gone into a hospital, and she’d never come home.

“Hey Chris, look at me.” Buck waited for Christopher’s eyes to meet his before continuing. “Your dad’s the strongest person I know. And he’s fought through way, _way_ worse things than a bump on the head. Okay?”

He had to stop himself just short of promising Christopher that Eddie was going to be okay. Even though Eddie most likely would be fine, Buck couldn’t afford to have Christopher hate him for lying if Eddie _wasn’t_ fine. Because Buck had made promises of his own to Eddie. 

Promises he hoped he never had to keep.

“Okay.” Christopher agreed, clearly still worried but that was to be expected. He bit his lip, looking up at the now quite alarmed woman and waving at her. “Bye Ms. Flores.”

“Bye Christopher.”

Christopher moved past Buck through the door and Buck moved to follow, only to be stopped by a light touch on her arm. “Is Edd - Mr. Diaz okay?” The woman - _Ms. Flores_ \- asked Buck in a low tone that wouldn’t be overheard by Christopher.

Buck sighed, glancing sideways at Christopher, who was now a few feet away. “I wasn’t working today, so I’m not really sure what happened.” He told her honestly. “But one of our best paramedics said it wasn’t bad, and I trust her so hopefully everything will be fine.”

He really wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince her or him. But it did make Buck feel a little better to see Ms. Flores relax slightly at his words. “Okay, that’s good. Thank you, Mr. Buckley.”

“No problem. Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude but -” He glanced down the hallway toward Christopher. “I wouldn’t put it past him to try to make it to the hospital by himself so -”

Ms. Flores actually laughed. “I wouldn’t either. It was nice to meet you.”

“You too -” And now Christopher was turning the corner, so Buck had to hustle after him. 

It wasn’t until he and Christopher were in the car (thankfully the first woman was still there to make sure that no angry mob descended on Buck’s permit-less car, as promised) that the thought struck Buck about why the name _Ms. Flores_ sounded so familiar.

“Hey buddy… was that your English teacher that we were talking to back there?”

“Noooo.” Christopher shook his head, and Buck wasn’t sure why that made him relax. Nor why he stiffened again when Christopher continued: “She _was_ my English teacher last year, but this year my English teacher is Mr. Sullivan.”

“Aha.” Buck hummed, feeling oddly like he had ants crawling under his skin. 

So that was the famous Ana Flores, who Carla had gossiped about to him after the skateboard incident last midwinter (because Eddie sure as hell wasn’t going to be the one to admit he had a crush on someone). Buck had eventually gotten it out of Eddie, amidst talk of skateboards and one-handed pitchers, though it had taken a fair amount of wheedling.

She was _very_ pretty. No wonder Eddie was into her. And judging by the way her large eyes had filled with worry at the mention of Eddie being injured, she was into him as well.

 _Good for him,_ Buck told himself firmly. After everything Eddie had been through, he deserved some happiness finally. Buck was not going to begrudge him that, just because he was worried about being left behind and being displaced from Eddie’s life and there was a very small irrational part of him that had recently been wondering what Eddie’s lips would taste like -

“I don’t like Mr. Sullivan as much.” Christopher told Buck seriously.

“Oh? Why’s that?”

“He spits when he talks.”

* * *

If Buck ever did have to leave the LAFD for good, he figured he could make a killing as a nanny.

Okay, so maybe Christopher was an unfairly well-behaved kid and not necessarily the best litmus test for Buck’s skills at childcare. But still, even if Buck was uncertain about whether he’d ever have kids of his own, he was confident in his ability to keep children entertained for a period of two-to-three hours. 

Getting Christopher to focus on his homework had at first been a little tricky - partially, Buck was sure, because he was worried about his dad. He kept twisting his neck around to see what Buck was doing, asking for different things like a juice box or a snack and then later a _second_ snack, and in general being surprisingly whiny. 

Then Buck had sat at the table with him with his own book and politely asked Christopher if he could borrow one of his pencils so that he could make some annotations. He didn’t usually take notes when he was reading but remembered how much easier it was to focus on his own homework when he would sit across from his dad in his office, matching the _scritch-scratch_ of his dad’s pen with his own pencil.

The gamble ended up paying off because Christopher settled down just a few moments after Buck sat down, his clear anxiety ebbing away as it was taken over by his concentration on his homework. For his part, Buck found that taking notes actually made him engage a bit more in his book than he usually did. Maybe his high school English teacher had been onto something. 

Not for the first time, Buck found himself thinking back on high school with regret. School had never really been his thing, between his ADHD and general unruliness. But he’d liked some subjects, like history and science and while he might not have been the top of those classes he still felt like he was learning and having fun.

Then in his last year of middle school and all through high school… well Buck had never failed a class, but he’d had a few close calls. Eighth and ninth grade he’d managed to pull off _okay_ grades, before they plummeted abysmally in tenth grade.

Buck knew that Christopher got good grades, from some of their conversations about classes, and because Eddie’s favorite thing in the world was to brag about how smart Christopher was. Seeing Christopher so absorbed in his work, a little smile of concentration on his face as he pushed up his glasses every once in a while, it was clear that he enjoyed it. 

A surge of protectiveness washed over Buck at the thought of anything taking away from Christopher’s joy of learning - the thought of anything taking away from Christopher’s joy, _ever_. It still amazed Buck to think about how high Christopher’s spirits had been during the Tsunami, surrounded by adults who were openly weeping in fear and horror. He’d already been through so much in his short life, including losing his own mother, yet he kept pushing forward fearlessly.

And suddenly Buck realized that he _had_ lied earlier. Eddie wasn’t the strongest person he knew.

Christopher was.

“All done!” Christopher declared with a satisfied sigh, pushing his homework toward Buck. This was, hypothetically, the last of it. 

Buck, who had checked over Christopher’s social studies and vocab homework, looked down at the final worksheet on Christopher’s to-do list.

Ah, yes. His old enemy.

_Math._

Buck cleared his throat in what he hoped was a confident manner, bringing his fist up to his mouth as the numbers swam in front of his face, mocking him with their merciless inscrutability.

“Hmmm.” He murmured, furrowing his eyebrows together and trying not to let his panic show. This was fifth grade math. It was exactly like that show, _Are You Smart Than A 5th Grader?_ And Buck _was_ damnit, it had just been a while since _long-division_ had played any significant role in his life and he needed a minute to remember it.

And that was the moment his phone rang.

 _Saved by the bell,_ Buck thought ruefully as he pulled out his phone from his pocket, then nearly dropped it as _Eddie_ flashed in front of his face. “Hello?” He answered, mindful that Christopher was staring at him.

Thankfully it was Eddie’s voice that replied to him, not a remorseful doctor. _“Hey Buck. How’s Christopher?”_

He sounded tired but okay. Buck slumped with relief. “Christopher is doing great. He’s finished all his homework and you caught me _just_ as I was about to check his math homework.”

 _“Oh really?”_ Eddie’s voice went up a few pitches. Buck would’ve been insulted at how amused he sounded if it wasn’t one hundred percent warranted. Eddie had been there for _The Great Saddle Ranch Debacle of 2019,_ where Buck had somehow been put in charge of figuring out how much each of them owed each other on Venmo.

He had witnessed Buck at his worst. 

“Yeah, unfortunately it looks like you’re gonna have to check it yourself.”

 _“About that…”_ Eddie trailed off, sounding uncertain. _“So they_ are _saying that it’s just a mild concussion, which is the good news. The bad news is that they think I need to be monitored overnight, to be sure.”_

He didn’t sound happy about it, and Buck didn’t blame him. The hospital stay would be covered by the department so money wouldn’t be an issue, but Buck was sure that all Eddie wanted to do was go home and hug Christopher.

“Do you want us to come to you?” Buck asked, glancing at Christopher.

 _“Maybe.”_ Admitted Eddie. _“They did say that if I have someone checking on me for the next twenty-four they can release me though, so I might try to call my aunt, see if maybe we can stay there for the night.”_

Buck turned that over in his mind. He frowned. “Uh, I guess. Or…”

He waited for Eddie to finish the thought that Buck was sure had to be obvious.

 _“Or…?”_ Eddie echoed, clearly not getting it.

“Or you can ask me to do it.” Buck rolled his eyes.

_“It’s twenty-four hours Buck, I can’t ask you to do that. I’m sure you have better things to do with your time.”_

“Nope, I don’t have a shift tomorrow, and I can’t think of anything better than babysitting you.” That made Christopher giggle and Buck placed a hand over the phone as he told the kid in a stage whisper: “Your dad is being silly.”

 _“I can hear you, you know.”_ Eddie protested. _“And are you sure? I think Peppa is off tomorrow, she might be able to do it.”_

“Right but is she an EMT?”

“No!” Christopher answered for Eddie.

“That’s right, she is _not_. So I’m not really sure why we’re having this conversation. Pick you up in twenty?”

 _“Alright fine.”_ Eddie conceded. _“Thank you Buck, for bullying me into letting you look after me.”_

“I figured you deserved a taste of your own medicine.” 

* * *

True to Hen’s word, Eddie did look more or less fine when Buck picked him up. He did have a couple of nasty bruises and what the doctor described as a “lightly sprained” ankle, in addition to his concussion. Luckily on the surface he seemed okay and it was more than enough to cheer Christopher up when he hugged Eddie on sight. 

“What happened?” Christopher asked Eddie, his previous nerves now replaced by eagerness now that his dad was within arm’s reach. 

“I was helping a lady get out of a burning building, and I fell.” Eddie said, the levity in his voice betrayed by how tightly he was holding Christopher to him. “But I’m going to be okay, my head’s just gonna be a little fuzzy for a few days.”

Later, after Buck had helped Christopher into his jeep, he turned to Eddie with a quizzical eyebrow, sticking his arm out to prevent Eddie from getting in just yet. “You fell?”

Eddie nodded. “I did.”

“Uh-huh.”

“The ceiling fell on me first, though.”

“Jesus.” Buck moved his arm aside, letting his hand rest on Eddie’s forearm instead. “I’m really glad you’re okay.” 

Eddie brought his other hand up to squeeze Buck’s hand. He didn’t say anything, but Buck understood the message from the haunted look in his eyes: _it could have been a lot worse._

After they got to Eddie’s house, Buck did not actually let Eddie check Christopher’s homework, because rule number one of a concussion was to not do anything that required any significant amount of concentration. He did catch Eddie looking over the worksheet with a flummoxed expression on his face as Buck put their plates away in the dishwasher after dinner.

“Not so easy, is it?” Buck asked pointedly over the distant sounds of the show that Christopher was only allowed to watch after he finished his homework. 

Eddie shook his head, looking a little dismayed. “Honestly I have no idea how you checked this. I usually have to look stuff up when Christopher isn’t looking.”

“Well, I definitely didn’t do that.” Buck cleared his throat, “I definitely did _not_ peek at my phone under the table as I was checking it.”

“Ah.”

Buck gently tugged the worksheet away from Eddie’s grasp. “Stop straining your eyes. You should go lay down.” 

“Thought I wasn’t supposed to sleep.”

“I will wake you up in…” Buck set the timer on his phone. “Two hours. Make sure you leave the closet light on.” 

“Okay, just don’t start it until after I say goodnight to Christopher.” Eddie stood up and slowly shuffled his way across the kitchen, clearly still disoriented.

He was wearing the sweats he’d changed into once he got home and… 

Look, Buck was more than familiar with Eddie’s ass, okay? 

He had seen it many, many, _many_ times. He worked alongside it every day. He’d seen the squats that made it possible. Occasionally, he ended up with it mere inches from his face when they were rappelling somewhere and accidentally got just a little too close. 

Buck had seen it and knew, objectively, that it was great. It was one of the first things he had noticed about Eddie and it had annoyed him instantly, because _he_ was supposed to be the hot one and then along came this jerk with his great hair and his washboard abs and that ass. 

Eventually, he had stopped being threatened by it. Buck would even go so far as to say he was used to it. He was used to seeing it in gym clothes, in turnout pants, in uniform pants, and in jeans that were _far_ more form-fitting than what Eddie was wearing now.

So really there was no reason why seeing Eddie in _sweatpants_ of all things was suddenly making Buck aware of how phenomenal Eddie’s ass was. 

_Maybe it’s because he’s not wearing underwear,_ Buck’s brain helpfully supplied.

Buck physically shook his head. No. _No._ He didn’t need to be thinking about Eddie’s underwear right now. Or lack thereof.

“Alright you can start the timer now.” Eddie informed Buck as he passed by the hall between the kitchen and his bedroom. Then he doubled back. “Wait, where are you sleeping?”

“The couch.” Buck replied, trying not to wince when he thought about how fucked his back would be for the next week.

Eddie appeared dubious. “It’s a foot shorter than you.”

“I can bunch up.” Buck assured him, waving Eddie away. “Go to sleep. I’ll make sure Christopher turns off the tv once this show is over and that he reads until bed.”

“Thanks…” For some reason, Eddie was still hesitating. “You know, I have a queen bed. We can share, I don’t mind.”

It took a valiant effort to keep his mouth from falling open. Buck had to be experiencing an auditory hallucination, because there was no way that _Eddie Diaz_ had just offered to let someone else sleep in his bed.

Then again, Buck knew that Eddie was more comfortable with him than he was with most people. Early on, Eddie had let him in and Buck hadn’t realized how guarded his new friend was until he started noticing how non-tactile he was with other people. It was a sign of trust that he was openly affectionate with Buck, so quick to offer a hand or a shoulder to lean on. Or in this case, a bed to sleep in.

He definitely wouldn’t have done it if he knew that Buck had just been staring at his ass though.

 _Or maybe,_ piped up the same voice that had been wondering about Eddie’s lack of underwear. _He offered you the bed_ because _he caught you staring._

“Really, I’m good on the couch, but thank you.” Buck insisted.

* * *

Buck was not good on the couch.

Eddie was right, it was too short for him. It was also lumpy and narrow and Buck had accidentally rolled off it twice already. He was nothing if not stubborn though, so he wasn’t about to concede defeat to a piece of furniture. 

The first couple rounds of alarms, Buck had tossed and turned and chased after sleep to no avail. The third time, he’d almost gotten there but had been thwarted by the sound of some loud neighbors drunkenly getting out of their Lyft (on a _Wednesday._ Sometimes Buck really missed being a young and irresponsible early-twenty-something).

Now, he was finally getting somewhere. He was drifting off, his body finally configured into something resembling a comfortable position, feeling his sleep-deprived brain giving in to his desperate pleas for a minute, just a _minute_ of sleep, please God -

The dulcet chimes of his phone’s alarm invaded his peace.

“Fuck.” Buck groaned, turning the alarm off quickly so that it didn’t wake up Christopher. On auto-pilot, he rolled off the couch and trudged down to Eddie’s room. “Hey Eddie.” He called, shutting the door behind him. “Wake up Eddie.”

Eddie raised a bleary, sleep-tousled head. “Ugh.”

“Trust me, I’m not happy ‘bout it either.” Buck muttered, letting his eyes wander wistfully to Eddie’s bed. It looked so cozy. “Tell me about the Woodrow Wilson administration.”

“Do I have to?” Eddie flopped back down on his pillow. “Can’t I just say ‘I’m awake’ and you can believe me?”

“Nope, doesn’t work like that.” 

Somehow, Buck wasn’t sure how, he found himself sitting on the other side of Eddie’s bed. God, it really was comfortable. “This is so soft.” 

“My abuela got it for me.”

“The bed?”

“No, the comforter.” Eddie’s eyes fluttered shut.

Buck hit him lightly on his arm. “Do you want to go back to the hospital?”

“Hnnngh.” Eddie pushed himself up on his elbows. “Fine, Woodrow Wilson was a piece of shit.”

“Was he.” The comforter _was_ amazingly soft. Buck let himself snuggle into it a little more as Eddie continued.

“Yeah, he totally was. I mean a bunch of people like to talk about how progressive he was or whatever, but his pandemic response was _terrible._ He was so focused on the war effort, he didn’t do like, _anything,_ on a federal level to stop the flu.”

“Uh-huh.” Buck agreed, pulling the covers over himself and pressing his face into the pillow. 

“Ironically he ended up getting it himself, and a lot of historians believe that’s what caused the stroke that he died from a year later. So, karma, I guess.”

“Mmmmmhmmm.”

This time, Eddie was the one to hit Buck. “I thought you were supposed to be monitoring to make sure I’m able to wake up properly?”

“I did.” Buck grumbled into the pillow. “You’re awake. Now go back to sleep.”

“I told you the couch was uncomfortable.”

“Just need five minutes, then I’ll move.” Insisted Buck, even though the thought of leaving this oasis of warmth and plushness left him feeling sad and empty. 

“Uh- _huh._ Sure.” Even half asleep Buck could easily recognize Eddie’s skeptical tone. 

Eddie had good reason to be skeptical, because Buck was now realizing that he had no intentions of going back to the couch. Why would he when there was a perfectly comfortable bed right here? And he felt equally comfortable in the knowledge that Eddie would be fine with it, that he wouldn’t wake Buck up and make him move.

“Thank you.” 

There was a sound that could have possibly been a laugh. “Thank… _me?_ I think you’re confused about who’s helping who here.”

“Thank you for letting me help you.” Buck clarified, his words making perfect sense to his own sleep-deprived brain. “For letting me be here. Trusting me with Chris. Means a lot.”

“Of course I would trust you with Chris. What is that even supposed to mean?’

But Buck wasn’t really listening, letting himself drift away now that he’d said what he needed to say to Eddie. 

Or at least, he tried.

“Oww!” Something large and - admittedly- soft hit him on his head. “What the fuck?” He whined, jerking his head up to see Eddie… holding a pillow. Eddie had hit him with a pillow? “What the fuck?” Buck repeated, his voice rising an octave in indignation. “Did you just… hit me… with a pillow?”

“Buck, why would you need to thank me for trusting you with Christopher?” Eddie asked, looking and sounding _alarmingly_ awake.

“Eddie, it’s _four am."_ Buck protested, wishing he could take back everything he’d said in the last few minutes if it could buy him at least a few minutes of sleep. “Is now really the time-”

“No, I wanna know what that means. You’ve been acting weird for weeks, first you were avoiding me, then you were just avoiding talking about Christopher, and the other week when Christopher came to the station you barely said three words to him before you found somewhere else to be. You know he asked me that night if you were mad at him?”

Oh. 

Oh no. 

“He said that?” Buck asked, now much more awake than he wanted to be. A knot formed in his throat. “What’d you say?”

“I said of course not, you were just busy. But I want to know what’s really going on. You know I trust you with Christopher, I don’t understand why you’re thanking me.”

Fuck. God damnit. This was not a conversation Buck wanted to have. _Ever_. 

Much less at four am.

“I’m just grateful. Am I not allowed to be grateful?”

“Buck if I had died today you would be Christopher’s guardian.” Eddie said flatly. “I don’t really know how to be any more clear than that. You’re the person I trust most with him. So forgive me if I’m a little confused why you would thank me for being asked to pick him up from school and watch him for a couple hours.” His voice dipped into uncertainty. “Unless… have you changed your mind? Because if you’re not sure, that’s something I need to know so I can-”

“No!” Panic spiked down Buck’s spine, at the thought of something happening to Eddie and Christopher being taken away from him. Of the courts granting custody to Eddie’s parents, or one of his sisters, and Christopher being moved to Texas. Away from his family, away from _him._ The thought of losing not just one, but the _two_ most important people to him. “No, no, no. Eddie, I’m sure. I just… I was scared of you changing your mind.”

Buck wished the closet light wasn’t on, so he didn’t have to see Eddie’s face right now. Wouldn’t have to see the way that Eddie worked his jaw, the way that he did when he was frustrated.

Or angry.

“Why would I change my mind?” 

“... come on, Eddie. You know why.”

Eddie stared at him for a while, and Buck wondered if this was it. 

This was the moment where it all came out, where Eddie admitted that even though he didn’t want to, that he had been second guessing his decision. 

That after meeting Buck’s parents, finding out about his family history, about Buck’s childhood trauma, Eddie had changed his mind about wanting his kid to be anywhere _near_ all of that messiness.

Finally, Eddie blew out a long breath and rubbed at his face. 

It was only when he sniffed and scrubbed his index finger under his eyes that Buck realized Eddie was _crying._

Buck’s mouth fell open. He had so rarely seen Eddie cry. The few times that he had, it had been about Christopher. Or Shannon.

“Sorry.” Eddie looked furious with himself as he tried to blink the tears under control. “I’m sorry, I just -”

He exhaled again, this time quick and sharp. 

Buck could only watch him, unable to move.

Was Eddie about to end their friendship? Was that why he was crying?

“I _hate_ him.” 

Buck blinked, abruptly bewildered. He had no idea what, or who, Eddie was talking about.

“I just really hate him.” Eddie continued, shaking his head. “I know that it’s not - that it isn’t about me. But I hate him, I hate him for hurting you.”

Oh. _Shit._

“I hate him for what he did to you. I just - what kind of an _asshole_ -” He stopped, catching the stunned look on Buck’s face, and deflated. “I’m sorry, I know that doesn’t help anything.”

“It’s fine.” It was more than fine actually - hearing Eddie calling Benji an asshole was weirdly cathartic. His dad had called Benji that, more than a few times, while Buck had been in the hospital. And Maddie had never been shy about her opinions. 

But they had both liked Benji at one point, and had considered him family. There was always a hint of betrayal in their words, a reminder that Buck had destroyed their family, just like Benji warned him he would if he ever said anything.

Eddie hadn’t known Benji before _._ He wasn’t calling Benji an asshole because he felt any kind of personal betrayal.

He just hated him _for_ Buck. 

“More than anything though, I hate him for making you think, for even a _single_ second, that I wouldn’t trust Christopher with you.” Eddie was saying. “Because I’m sorry but that’s bullshit. That’s total bullshit.”

“Is it though?” Buck’s stupid mouth blurted out, when really he should have just accepted Eddie’s proclamation and ended the discussion.

“Eddie, you know I love Christopher more than anything,” he continued, because apparently _four-AM-Buck_ thought this was the perfect time to put everything on the table. “But my family is a shitshow. The first positive role model I’ve ever had is _Bobby_ . And my only real example of what a good father should be is… honestly? _You_ . So I wouldn’t blame you for rethinking the whole guardian thing after this summer. I wouldn’t _like it,_ but I wouldn’t blame you.”

Eddie nodded, his eyebrows furrowed into that stubborn expression he got when he was about to make a point he thought was argument ending. “Okay, I see. You think your family is the only shitshow around here? I barely saw my dad until he opened his shop when I was ten, and even then it was _sparingly,_ to say the least. My family hated Shannon, and they would badmouth her in front of Christopher all the time. Sometimes they even _still_ do it, and she’s dead.”

Buck shook his head, ready to counter that _yeah_ none of that was great but it didn’t disqualify Eddie from being a good parent to Christopher. 

And then Eddie dropped the bomb.

“Also, before I moved to Los Angeles, my parents tried to take Christopher from me.”

Buck froze. 

_“What?”_

Eddie nodded, the bitter mask on his face barely concealing the hurt underneath. “They said that I worked too much, Christopher barely knew me anyway since I hadn’t been around, and he’d be better off living with them.”

 _Well fuck them,_ Buck wanted to say, instantly furious. He knew better than to cross that line though - Eddie’s relationship with his parents was complicated, but not as hostile as Buck’s was (well with his dad at least). He’d only met them once, at Eddie’s shield ceremony, and it had been brief. Buck knew he didn’t have the right to swear at them.

Instead he said, “They were wrong, Eddie.”

 _“Don’t drag him down with you.”_ Eddie said, clearing his throat with a suspicious wet sound. “That’s what my mother told me.”

Buck might need to rethink his policy about not swearing at Eddie’s parents. If he ever met Helena again, those words were going to be running through his mind on a loop. How dare she say that to Eddie? “She was _wrong,_ ” He insisted, as fiercely as he could. “You’re the best dad I know.”

“I wasn’t always.” Eddie admitted, rubbing his temples with his hand and Buck felt a guilty twinge at the reminder that Eddie was _injured_ and he was supposed to be _resting._ “I wasn’t there for him, or for Shannon, when I needed to be. I said that it was to support them, but really I was just a scared kid running away.”

“But… you _were_ a kid.” Buck pointed out. “When I was that age I was serving body shots at Davey Wayne's _._ You were having a kid and going off to war. It took you a minute to figure it out, but you got there, faster and better than a lot of other people would. Better than _either_ of our dads. You’ve done such a good job with Chris, seriously. He’s the best kid I know. And we both know he’s smarter than either of us.”

That actually made Eddie snort, and he shook his head. “That math worksheet…”

“And he got them all _right._ ” Buck told him, nudging Eddie's ankle with his foot and grinning. “We had to look up the answers and he just did them in his head. He’s growing into a really great person, and most importantly he’s _happy,_ Eddie. That’s because of you. Because of everything you’ve done to be there for him. Whatever happened in the past… that’s the past. It doesn’t matter.”

“Hmmm.” Eddie looked almost a little _too_ pleased at that statement. “So the past doesn’t matter, does it?”

Buck ran their conversation back through his head, trying to figure out why Eddie seemed so satisfied with himself.

His eyes narrowed.

“You tricked me.” Buck accused, shoving the pillow that Eddie had thrown at him earlier back toward his friend, feeling miffed. “You know, you’re a little too sharp for four am. Are you sure you really have a concussion?”

“Oh believe me, I’m sure. And I think it’s closer to five now.”

Buck groaned, pulling the comforter up over his head. “ _Fuuuuuuuck._ And I have to get up at seven to take Chris to school. Okay, I’m calling it on the heart-to-hearts. That’s enough deep conversations for one night. Goodnight.”

He got about five seconds of rest before Eddie yanked the comforter back off him.

“Oh god, _what now?”_

 _“Now,_ it’s my turn to say thank you.” Eddie said, eyes scrunched with mirth before setting into something more serious. “For helping me, and for looking after Christopher, and for what you said. Most of the time I know that my parents were wrong, and I haven’t totally fucked up with Christopher. But it’s nice to hear it.”

“I meant it.” Buck insisted. He really wished that he could reach out to Eddie, give him a hug. But being here together in the same bed was already at a certain level of intimacy and he was afraid if he actually touched Eddie beyond a playful jab it would be too much. So the only assurances he had were his words. “You’re the best.”

 _...dad._ He meant to say _you’re the best dad_ but his mouth stopped working after _best._

And well. It wasn’t exactly wrong. Eddie _was_ the best. Buck would stand by that statement.

Eddie’s eyes crinkled again, but not with amusement. It was softer, a look that Buck couldn’t quite put his finger on. “I think you’re the best too. And... there’s nothing you could tell me that would change how I feel about you.”

Warmth that had nothing to do with Eddie’s abuela’s comforter sank heavy into Buck's fatigued body.

It was easy to forget sometimes how deep Eddie’s loyalty ran. Easy to get caught up in his own emotions and assume they were too intense to be reciprocated. To get so fixated on his lack of worthiness when compared to someone like Eddie, that it seemed impossible for Eddie to care about him as much as Buck did for him.

Buck was used to his love being too much. It was too much for anyone to ever return. It wasn’t _fair_ for him to expect that of anybody. Especially someone like Eddie, who had so many other people in his life who deserved it more than Buck.

But here Eddie was, proving how much he cared about him. Yet again. Like it was _nothing_. As if it wasn’t even something he had to think about, it was just instinct.

There was a feeling growing in Buck’s chest that he didn’t know how to put words to.

_There’s nothing you could tell me that would change how I feel about you._

Somehow Eddie had said the most romantic thing anyone had ever said to Buck… but, platonically.

 _That would change how I_ _feel_ _about you._

Except… the more Buck lay there in bed, running those words through his head as he watched Eddie fall asleep… the less and less platonic they sounded.

_How I feel about you._

It was just a turn of phrase. He also couldn’t forget that Eddie was concussed, and confused, and probably suffering from mood swings (which would explain the crying). 

That thought filled him with more disappointment than it should have.

And as Buck drifted off, about a foot away from Eddie’s face which looked so peaceful and so much younger when it was relaxed with sleep, Buck started to allow himself to question _why_ that disappointed him.

Was it because… maybe…

 _maybe_...

He _wanted_ it to be more than platonic?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
> Some general themes tied into recovery from childhood sexual abuse, but nothing graphic or specific.  
> Negative self-talk.  
> Minor injuries (a sprain and a concussion, which is generally major, but this is a minor concussion).  
> Mentions of past death of a parent.  
> Difficult parental relationships (for TWO characters).  
> math :(
> 
> Notes:  
> Yeah baby we have reached the midpoint! We're halfway there!
> 
> Feel free to ignore the author subtly trying to sneak current COVID US politics via discussion of past other terrible pandemic responses (Buck and Eddie are lucky that they live in an alternate 2020 where COVID never happened - also there is a significant possibility that since this fic takes place around the election I will go back after the election is over and rewrite a section where they either celebrate or mourn depending on the results).


	11. Action/reaction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But Eddie had forgotten to take into account the fact that Evan Buckley was a Grade-A clinger.
> 
> One memorable occasion, Chimney had purchased a pineapple at the grocery store, snuck into the bunk room while Buck was sleeping, and Indian-Jones-style swapped it out with the pillow Buck was curled around. Witnessing Buck’s confusion as he wandered around the station, holding up the pineapple, and trying to return it to its rightful owner was one of Eddie’s fondest early memories of the 118.
> 
> It was less funny now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs at the end
> 
> Another early chapter!

As his senses came back to him, Eddie became swiftly aware how much warmer he was than when he fell asleep. And it wasn’t just because of the golden morning light filtering through his blinds.

Buck had come back from taking Christopher to school and awoke Eddie once more: this time asking him about the Louisiana Purchase to test his cognitive abilities. Eddie had expected Buck to get stubborn and insist on taking the couch again, so he had been surprised (but not displeased) when Buck flopped back down on the bed face-first and buried himself in the covers once again.

At least... that’s how they had _fallen asleep._

But Eddie had forgotten to take into account the fact that Evan Buckley was a Grade-A clinger.

It was something well documented at Station 118. Whether Buck was falling asleep in the bunkroom, on the couch, or even one time when he dozed off at the dinner table, he always found a way to latch onto something. Usually a pillow, but sometimes the arm or leg of whoever was nearest.

One memorable occasion, Chimney had purchased a pineapple at the grocery store, snuck into the bunk room while Buck was sleeping, and Indian-Jones-style swapped it out with the pillow Buck was curled around. Witnessing Buck’s confusion as he wandered around the station, holding up the pineapple, and trying to return it to its rightful owner was one of Eddie’s fondest early memories of the 118.

It was less funny now.

One of Buck’s ankles was resting on Eddie’s calves. Not a big deal. They were both tall men and space was limited. They had to either bend their legs a bit or sleep at an angle and odds were that at some point during the night they would touch. 

The odds were a little less likely that Buck’s arm would end up draped across Eddie’s chest. Or that Buck’s face would be squashed against the side of Eddie’s shoulder.

 _Buck is like a lizard,_ Eddie reminded himself. _He’s just instinctively drawn to warmth. Especially when he’s asleep._

Still, even if there was a perfectly rational explanation for why Buck would latch onto Eddie in his sleep - with plenty of prior evidence backing it up - the only way to describe how Eddie reacted to it was _irrational._

 _Rational_ would have been to delicately extricate himself from Buck’s koala-grip and roll toward the edge of the bed, sparing Buck the embarrassment of realizing that he’d cuddled his coworker in his sleep. 

And Buck, who had taken _seven hours_ to finally cave and share Eddie’s bed with him, would definitely be embarrassed. Eddie knew that it was probably more for his sake than for Buck’s, since Buck was not exactly known for having strict personal boundaries. Which was why he knew Buck would feel awkward for invading Eddie’s space.

But Eddie did not react rationally. 

Instead, because he was apparently both selfish and masochistic (and suffering from a minor head injury, or so he could claim) he turned so that he was facing Buck, and let himself pretend for a few moments.

Buck was facedown in the bed, with the side of his face pressed against Eddie’s shoulder so that Eddie could only just barely see his birthmark peeking out. Eddie would be worried about him being able to breath except he could both hear and feel the soft snores coming from Buck’s mouth. He also knew from experience that Buck was probably drooling a little, though he fortunately couldn’t feel that.

He was mostly covered up by the comforter, only the top of his sleep-shirt visible. Eddie wondered if it was as soft as it looked, though he obviously wasn’t going to reach out to confirm. He did see that the tag was sticking out - it was on inside out. 

Eddie snorted. Buck had insisted on changing out of his sleep shirt and sweats in order to drop Christopher off at school. When Eddie had questioned why Buck was bothering to swap shirts when no one would be able to tell the difference, Buck had looked aghast and declared, “Because appearances _matter_ Eddie!”

God, he was vain. And ridiculous. 

And Eddie was so very gone for him.

If you had told Eddie two years ago that he’d be here, he would’ve laughed in your face. Yes, he had quickly taken a liking to his goofy yet lovable coworker. But even if they’d had an instant connection (well…. _near_ -instant. Buck had been pretty insufferable for the first few days even if Eddie had still found it kind of funny at the time), he never would have predicted things turning out this way.

 _This way_ being Eddie laying in bed and pining over his straight best friend who was currently wrapped around him.

If he were in this situation with anyone else, Eddie would have to step back and wonder if maybe there was something there. If someone else had dropped everything to be there for him and his son, checking Christopher’s homework and fussing over Eddie’s health... if anyone else had crawled into bed with Eddie and had one of the most heartfelt and painfully honest conversations of Eddie’s life, before curling around Eddie in his sleep… yeah, Eddie might start questioning if maybe his feelings were returned.

But this was Buck. He gave his love and devotion openly and excessively. He told Eddie he loved him when Eddie brought him coffee. Once at the station he declared it “free hugs day,” made a sign that he wore around his neck, and gave out hugs to anyone who requested one.

Eddie knew how easily Buck could have gone in the other direction. That he could have been closed-off and untrusting, shying away from touch instead of seeking it. Eddie also knew that part of Buck’s boundless capacity for affection was probably a reaction to not receiving it from the people he needed it from most as a child.

The thing that made Buck easy to love was also the thing that made loving Buck very difficult. If anyone else were here in bed with Eddie right now, Eddie would allow himself to hope.

But this was just the way that Buck was.

Eddie allowed himself one last moment of pretend. An instant to feel the flutter of Buck’s eyelash on his skin, to memorize the press of each finger against his ribcage, and even just to quietly marvel go in the casual intimacy of the ankle crossed over his legs.

Then he forced himself to enter the rational world again.

Last night meant nothing, and he needed to just forget about it and move on.

* * *

It turned out, twenty-four hours was a long time when you couldn’t watch tv or look at the internet or read or go on your phone or do anything with a screen.

So Buck had to get creative coming up with ways to keep Eddie busy in between his naps while Christopher was at school: playing ridiculously easy board games like Shoots and Ladders, reading Eddie’s book aloud to him, and even pulling out the crochet needles that Carla had left in the linen closet three months back (which ended disastrously for both of them).

Eddie had protested that it wasn’t Buck’s job to entertain him and he only needed to check on him to make sure his symptoms weren’t worsening. But the truth was that Buck had been keeping _himself_ occupied more than anything else.

Because he was losing his goddamn mind.

_There’s nothing you could tell me that would change how I feel about you._

What the fuck did _that_ mean? 

In the cold light of day it sounded even less platonic, although Buck supposed it could have just seemed romantic because Eddie’s emotions were heightened thanks to his concussion. It was certainly possible to justify a lot of Eddie’s actions last night by using the concussion as an explanation (or an excuse?). 

What was less easy to justify was the way that Buck could hear his own heartbeat in his ears every time he looked at Eddie that morning. And that afternoon. He thought it would improve after he picked Christopher up - Ana was not the one in charge of the in-school pickups that day thank god because Buck was certainly not ready to deal with _that_ \- but he should have known better.

Because watching Eddie interact with his son had always given Buck a warm, odd feeling that he couldn’t quite place. Seeing how happy they made each other, the way their entire beings lit up as soon as they were in each other’s orbit, how unabashed Eddie was in his love for Christopher, no need to hold himself back... Buck had never really had the words to explain how deeply that affected him. 

The very first time he saw Eddie with Christopher, Buck felt like something heavy had landed on his chest, making it almost difficult to breathe. He had watched his new friend who still seemed just a little too cool, a little too untouchable to Buck, just… _blossom._ Into someone who was free and blissful and completely unashamed of how deeply he loved his son. Eddie had clutched Christopher to him and gleefully swung him around into a hug and Buck had become aware that he was watching Eddie with the love of his life.

It had hit him hard, that feeling, knocking him off balance and at the time he had been irrationally reminded only of how he’d felt when he finally saw Abby in person for the first time.

Like… _O_ _h. Hi._

_There you are._

The feeling had never really faded but Buck had gotten so used to it he’d stopped questioning it. Being around Eddie and Christopher was the happiest Buck ever was and that was just a fact of the universe; it was as basic as the sun’s gravitational pull on the earth.

They were sitting at the kitchen table, eating dinner that Eddie had made under Buck’s cautious eye. Christopher was teasing Eddie about his cooking and pretended that he was afraid of the broccoli like it was going to attack him. 

“Christopher, the broccoli isn’t going to bite you.” Eddie had protested, amusement sparkling in his eyes in spite of his mock-offense. He stabbed one of his own with a fork, bringing it up to his mouth in demonstration: “Here, I’ll show you.”

Eddie took a big bite, making a show of his _mmmmms_ like it was the most delicious thing he’d ever eaten as he swallowed it.

Then, a few seconds later he clutched his stomach as if in alarm. 

“Oh my god!” He declared in a panicked voice. “Christopher - it’s - you have to help me Chris, it’s eating me from the inside. The broccoli is attacking me!”

Christopher, who had genuinely been concerned for a few moments, dissolved into giggles as Eddie fell dramatically to the ground, reaching his hand out toward them. 

“It’s waging war!” Eddie continued, rolling on the floor. “It’s joined forces with my sandwich from lunch, please - Buck, Chris, somebody! Bring in the cavalry!”

He was probably expecting Buck to join in on the game, by pretending to call 9-1-1 or feed him a spoonful of mac n’ cheese to help conquer the broccoli. But Buck couldn’t do anything except stare down in disbelief at this absolute _dork_ as the thought that had been building all day (arguably, for weeks) finally hit him.

 _Holy fuck, do I_ like _him?_

The thought was so middle-school that he almost immediately recoiled from it. There really wasn’t any other way to put it though. Obviously he liked Eddie, he was Buck’s favorite person to spend time with. He would openly say that he loved Eddie, as the best friend he’d ever had. He would even, if pushed, admit that he thought Eddie was hot, which wasn’t really a question because Eddie was the most unfairly attractive person Buck had ever met. 

But did he _like_ Eddie?

It was impossible to figure out under those circumstances, bombarded by the intoxicating domesticity of watching Eddie and Christopher joke with each other. Buck couldn’t think clearly like that, so he’d been almost looking forward to being able to go home at the end of his twenty-four hour watch to regroup.

Except as soon as he walked into his loft it felt empty and cold and lifeless and Buck found himself missing Eddie’s company. Which was ridiculous! He’d just spent an entire day with Eddie, how much of the guy did he need?

Since his head was filled with thoughts about how much he missed Eddie, Buck clearly wasn’t in the right mental state to accurately sit down and figure out whether or not he was experiencing a sexualty crisis at twenty-nine or if he was just lonely and latching onto the person closest to him.

So he did his best to _not_ think about Eddie until he was pulling into the station the next morning, feeling light and excited at the prospect of coming back to work after a few days off.

Until, after getting ready and doing a few laps searching around the house, he realized _right, of course._ Eddie wouldn’t be coming in today. He probably wouldn’t be in for weeks.

Suddenly demoralized, Buck had trudged off to find his other teammates.

* * *

“So,” Bobby said into the comm as they headed off to a scene. “What are everyone’s Thanksgiving plans since we actually have it off this year?”

In the back, Chimney, Hen, and Buck all exchanged identical shrugs.

“Unclear.” Chim replied.

Hen sighed. “We were thinking of maybe going up north to spend it with Karen’s family but now… I don’t think we’re gonna be up to the trip.”

Buck bumped his knee against Hen’s in sympathy. She’d come into the station that morning much more subdued than usual and when they checked in on her, Hen had given them the news: Nia had officially found a family. While Hen said that the couple who were adopting her were amazing people that she and Karen strongly approved of, it was still an emotional rollercoaster for the Wilsons. 

Hen had said she wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, but her hand found its way toward his and she gave it a small squeeze. Buck smiled down at their hands, giving her a squeeze back before releasing, glad that he was able to show Hen he was there for her even in just this small way.

When he looked up, everyone was watching him expectantly.

“Oh, I don’t have plans.” Buck realized what they were waiting for, but also wondered why they would think he had holiday plans outside of them.

“Not with your parents?” Hen asked, exchanging a glance with Chimney, and then it clicked.

Right, his parents who were still in town. Who he’d been actively avoiding since the baby shower. At first that hadn’t been difficult because his mom had actually given him space for the first week or so. 

Then she’d started calling every couple days and leaving increasingly passive-aggressive voicemails, the latest one casually mentioning how it was “funny that they talked more when they were in different time zones.”

Buck knew that avoiding her wasn't fair - his mom hadn’t done anything wrong. But seeing her would inevitably lead to seeing his dad and he didn’t think he was in the right headspace for that yet.

With Thanksgiving approaching, her increasingly frequent attempts to see him made since. So did Chimney’s “unclear” response, Buck realized. Since he knew that Maddie had actually been seeing them, Buck wouldn’t be surprised if Chimney knew more about potential Thanksgiving plans than he did. Rachel probably wanted them all to spend Thanksgiving together.

“No plans.” Buck reiterated forcefully.

Luckily Bobby didn’t push the issue. “Alright, well Athena and I are extending an open invitation to Thanksgiving at our place to anyone who would like to come. Bring anybody you’d like. The more the merrier.”

Hen perked up visibly next to Buck. “Oh, count me in Cap. I can taste Athena’s pumpkin pie already.”

“What if I told you _I_ was making the pumpkin pie?” Bobby asked, sounding dangerously close to indignant.

There was a telling pause.

“Cap… you know we love your cooking…” Buck hedged, trying to be diplomatic.

“But Athena’s pumpkin pie is iconic.” Chimney swooped in smoothly with the save. 

“The first time I tried it, I cried literal tears.” Added Hen. “Do you really want to try to live up to that?”

Bobby shook his head at the lot of them. 

“Traitors. All of you.”

* * *

**9-1-1 Operator:**

**_9-1-1, what is your emergency?_ **

**Caller:**

**_You need to send help right away. I’m at 1920 Levico Way in Bel Air. My girlfriend locked herself in my panic room by accident. It’s set to a timer to release after eight hours._ **

**9-1-1 Operator:**

**_Sir, have you tried calling the manufacturing company? They may be able to tell you how to release it._ **

  
  


**Caller:**

**_I’ve tried, but they’re based out of Japan - their customer service hours don’t begin for another four hours! It's unbelievable. This can’t wait that long._ **

**9-1-1 Operator:**

**_Is your girlfriend experiencing a medical emergency?_ **

**Caller:**

**_… yes. Yes she is. She’s anemic, and I’m worried she might faint in there! Please, you need to send help_ ** **immediately.**

**9-1-1 Operator:**

_**Anemic?** _

**Caller:**

_**Do I need to speak to your supervisor?** _

**9-1-1 Operator:**

***sigh***

**9-1-1 Operator:**

**_Help is on the way._ **

* * *

The call started out fairly normal.

Well, as normal as any of their calls could be.

An eccentric millionaire’s girlfriend accidentally locked herself in the panic room of his Bel Air mansion. In her defense, it was effectively disguised as an office. Normally, it was set to release after eight hours, but with the help of dispatch they were able to figure out how to override the timer so that it released after only an hour, getting the girlfriend out safely (who seemed more annoyed than anything else).

Buck and Hen were doing a final sweep of the room when Buck spotted the picture out of the corner of his eye.

It was the millionaire and a woman who was _much_ closer in age to him than the girlfriend they’d just rescued. Both the millionaire and the woman had wedding rings on their fingers.

“Hey Hen,” Buck called, reaching toward the frame. “Think this might be the real reason he wanted the girlfriend out of here?”

Hen turned to him and something in her gaze shifted.

“Buck, wait -”

But it was too late. He’d already picked up the frame.

_Slam._

And they were locked in.

It turned out, Buck made the same mistake the girlfriend had: not noticing the magnetic trigger that connected the frame to the desk. When Buck lifted the picture of the millionaire and his - _"Fine, that's my wife and she's coming home from Fiji in a couple hours so can you please get your people out of there? Is this really what my tax dollars pay for?”_ \- wife, the trigger shut the door and reset the clock. 

Unfortunately, the shortest interval that the clock could be set at was an hour. Which meant Hen and Buck were stuck.

"Afraid you guys will just have to wait it out." Bobby said over the radio, raising his voice so that he could be heard above the millionaire and his girlfriend arguing in the background. Apparently the girlfriend had not realized he was married until she saw the photo.

"Copy that, Cap." Buck turned to Hen with a wince, who was rubbing her temples. "I'm so sorry Hen. But man, I wasn't expecting that. Technology is wild, huh?"

He was expecting a rueful grin from Hen, or maybe even for her to roll her eyes at him. But Hen didn't respond, just tensed her shoulders together.

And Buck remembered how two years ago Hen had been trapped in a vault, convinced that she had been poisoned and was going to die. This wasn't anything like that situation... but he could see why she might be a bit triggered.

Not to mention, he knew that Hen had been trying to keep busy all shift in order to avoid thinking about Nia. Now thanks to Buck, they were trapped with nothing to do for an hour.

So Buck did the thing that he did best: he talked.

"Hey, did you know that seahorses mate for life?" He asked her. That didn't get a response, but Buck refused to accept that as a deterrent. 

"I was reading this Reddit thread about it,” Buck continued. “They made it sound really romantic in _Into the Spiderverse,_ but really it's mostly because they're really poorly designed and suck at swimming. Like, basically God started designing a water horse, but then he got distracted when he was halfway done and went 'Eh, good enough.' They just float around. So once they find a mate, the female sticks around because it's too much effort to find a new mate since just moving around is a challenge."

"Buck... what?"

"Yeah, with seahorses the dudes get pregnant! Isn't that wild?"

"I knew that." Hen looked bewildered. "I just... don't... understand why you're telling me about seahorses right now?"

He shrugged. "Well, I figured we'd be in here for awhile. What else are we gonna do?"

"Than talk about seahorses?"

"Yeah."

"I don't understand how your brain works. Truly." But Hen was smiling faintly, so Buck was going to count that as a win. "You know, you remind me though of my best friend when I was a middle school: Maya. She'd go on these tangents about random topics and wouldn't shut up for hours. She was lucky I was into her, that's why I never asked her to shut up."

"Which is why you have no problem telling me to shut up."

"Exactly."

Buck flopped down on the floor, sticking his legs out haphazardly. "So Maya - was she like your first crush or something? I don't think you've ever mentioned her."

"Maya was..." Hen sank down a bit more gracefully, folding her legs cross-legged. "The first crush I was aware of. In retrospect, I had crushes before that but I thought it was just me wanting to be friends with girls. With Maya... it was a big damn deal. I looked over at her one day, when she was in the middle of some stupid rant, I can't remember it. And I just wanted to kiss her."

Something tight and uncomfortable settled in Buck's chest. "Just like that, huh?"

"Yeah. It was like a lightbulb. I couldn't turn it off after that. Even though I knew it would kill my mom. And nobody was out at my school."

"That sounds tough." Even when Buck was in high school, he knew things had been hard for the few kids that were out. And he went to high school nearly a decade after Hen graduated. There were a few out gay kids, and that's what they were known for. They weren't known as band kids, or musical theater kids, or Model UN kids. They were gay kids. 

And they certainly weren't football kids, because if anyone on the football team was gay (which statistically, was pretty damn likely), they were never brave enough to come out. Not with the sort of shit that some of the more Neanderthal guys on the team liked to spew in the locker-room.

"It was, but I got through it." Hen told him, with that familiar proud jut of her chin. "I didn't always announce it to the world like I do now, but I was brave enough to tell the people that mattered. Some of them were accepting... some of them not so much."

"Did you ever tell Maya?"

Hen smiled softly. "I did. I told her I loved her. Unfortunately, she's very straight, but she ended up being my biggest cheerleader. She actually introduced me to my first serious girlfriend. And we're still friends - we don't really talk, but we wish each other ‘Happy Birthday’ on facebook, and if she ever came back into town I know we'd meet up and grab a drink."

"But... how'd that feel?" Buck couldn't help but feel physical pain at the thought of Hen confessing her feelings to her childhood love, and being let down like that. "I mean, how did you cope with that kind of rejection?"

"Like with any heartbreak - with a lot of ice cream." Hen replied with a sad laugh. "It was difficult, because it's a special kind of pain when someone you want tells you that they love you, they just can't love you the way that you want. At the same time though... I was so afraid of losing her friendship. Of being rejected. She was the first person I ever came out to, that I ever revealed that part of myself to. It was such a huge, overwhelming relief when she just accepted me, that it was almost enough to cancel out the heartbreak.”

Buck gazed at her, wide eyed and enraptured. 

“I mean, it still hurt like a bitch,” Hen added wrly. “But she was there for me. It's more complicated than you can imagine."

Buck meant to say something like _I can't begin to imagine_ or _I'm glad she was there for you._

Instead, what came out of his mouth was: 

"I've been thinking about kissing Eddie."

Hen and Buck both stared at each other. 

Buck wasn't sure which of them was more shocked.

"Uh, what I meant was - just - I-" He floundered, trying to think of a reasonable explanation. But there literally wasn't one. "Fuck."

Hen opened her mouth. Then closed it. 

"Like in an experimental 'what would it be like' kind of way or...?"

Buck wished he could physically kick himself.

Why had he done this? He wasn't ready to talk about this with anyone! He didn't have the faintest idea what the hell was going through his brain, how was he supposed to put it into words and try to explain it to someone?

"I don't know." He finally said. "It's just - one day it just popped into my head, okay? And now I can't get it out. It keeps coming back at the worst possible times."

Buck stared at Hen, beseeching her to understand. He might not be ready to tell her about the very scary possibility of him actually having _feelings_ for Eddie, but maybe she could help him get a handle on this strange attraction that he’d been experiencing for the past few weeks.

Really, who better to empathize with his plight than Hen?

"Okay." She finally said, slowly. “So, I know this is new with Eddie, but is it new with men in general? Have you ever thought about kissing or being with a guy before?”

“Not really, no.” Buck hesitated, not really sure how to get into this without diving too deeply into his _very_ messy sexual history. “I’ve thought guys were attractive before. Like, I’ve been attracted to them, but… distantly. I’ve never thought about or wanted to anything with them, so I sort of assumed that was the difference between being maybe bicurious and, well… bisexual.”

“If people fell that neatly into labels they wouldn’t be nearly as complex.” Hen countered kindly. “So I guess it sounds like it’s not _totally_ out of the blue. You discovering that you might be into guys.”

Buck shook his head. “I’m not. Or - I don’t think so? It’s just Eddie.”

To his aggravation, Hen looked like she was fighting back a grin.

“Sorry,” She apologized when he shot her an incredulous look. “It’s just - when Eddie first started here, Chimney and I actually had a bet about whether or not you were acting like an asshole because of some alpha male bullshit or if it was homoerotic tension. I ended up conceding to Chimney, but now I’m wondering if I should ask for my money back-”

“No.” Buck cut her off sharply, a bit panicked. “No, you can’t tell Chimney. You can’t tell anyone.”

“Of course not, Buck, it was a joke.” Hen soothed. “I won’t say a word to anyone. Especially Eddie.”

Mollified, Buck sighed, checking his watch as he fidgeted with it. Twenty more minutes. Well, at least he’d successfully managed to distract Hen.

“So, I actually have a few bisexual friends who came out in their twenties.” Hen told him. “Most of them knew they were bisexual before, but I had one friend who didn’t realize it until later. She thought she was straight until… there was that one. That person who changed the game for her. Even though things didn’t work out with that one, she didn’t switch back to ‘straight.’ That person just helped her open up the door to that part of herself.”

“But what if you don’t want to open that door?” As soon as he said it, Buck worried that he’d offended her. “Not that - I don’t think there’s anything wrong with liking guys. I just - I’m nearly thirty. It’s kind of late for an identity crisis, you know?”

“There are plenty of people who come out later in life. Look at Michael!”

“Michael knew he was gay though.”

“There are a lot of stories of other people who didn’t realize though.” Hen shrugged, offering him an encouraging smile. “Growing up, did you feel like you were in an environment where it would be safe to like guys?”

“No.” Buck replied immediately. “No, there were a few gay guys at my school and people didn’t attack them or anything, but they talked behind their backs all the time. And some of the guys on my football team could be really homophobic.”

He’d never joined in. But he’d also never stood up and told his teammates to shut up, which made his skin prick with shame. When someone did protest the use of a slur or any derogatory language directed toward gay people, then the perpetrators would quickly turn it against whoever had spoken up.

And Buck just… he couldn’t have that. He had a reputation to uphold.

“I slept around a lot with girls.”

“Oh, trust me. I remember. My memory’s not that short Buck.”

Buck made a face. She sounded annoyed, which Buck couldn’t blame her for. The way that he’d flirted with women on calls was something he wasn’t fond of recalling either, especially since he’d done some reading after Bobby set him straight and realized what a toxic environment that had created for the women that he worked with.

It ashamed him to think that he’d ever made Hen feel anything less than at ease around him. Especially since she had been his first real friend at the 118.

“I’m talking about High School,” Buck amended, with a sheepish duck of his head to convey that _no,_ he was not proud of his behavior the first few months that they’d known each other. “I started having sex early and I had a lot of it. It was always easy for me. Totally not complicated - I never had to try.”

Hen scoffed. “Good to know you were always this humble.”

“I’m just being honest, Hen.” He protested. “Girls just weren’t scary to me.”

“But guys were?” Hen caught on.

Buck shrugged, not really trusting himself to say anything without revealing more than he wanted to.

“That makes sense. You already knew what to expect with girls, but not with guys.” She mused, always good at empathizing and putting herself in other people’s shoes. “The fear of the unknown and what not.”

And once again, Buck’s stupid mouth got ahead of his brain.

“Yeah, the unknown isn’t really the problem here.”

Hen frowned, puzzled. “What does that mean?’

“Forget it,” Buck said immediately, trying to ignore the way that his heart was beating twice as fast as normal. “I didn’t mean anything.”

Was their time up? Their time had to be almost up. 

“Hey Buck,” Hen reached a hand out and put it on his bouncing knee. “I’m not asking because I’m nosy. I just want to help you figure this all out. But if you want, we can stop talking about it.”

He met her eyes. Hen always had that special calming quality about her. When he’d first joined the 118, she’d been the first person he connected with. Out of all the macho tough guys running around at the station who he had more in common with on a surface level, Hen was the person Buck found himself gravitating toward whenever they were on a break. 

Maybe it was because they had an immediate, fun rapport. Maybe it was because on some level she reminded him of Maddie.

Maybe it was just because she’d been nice to him.

“My uncle he... he _hurt_ me.” His throat was tight and dry suddenly. “So that’s - I think that has, um. I think that’s part of it.”

Hen was very still.

_“Oh.”_

It was more of an exhale than a word, and her face crumpled after she said it. 

“Oh, Buck. I had no idea. I’m so sorry.”

Buck waved her off, “It’s okay. How could you know? I never told you.”

Hen’s face was anguished and she was visibly shaking. “Can I - I want to hug you. Can I?”

“I’d like that,” Buck admitted, his voice small.

Hen scooted over and wrapped her arms around him. Buck sank into her hug as she rubbed his back, her breath tickling his shoulder. Hen’s hugs always had a special kind of comfort that no one else’s could match. “I’ve got you,” She whispered. “I’m here for you.”

“Just don’t - I’m not different, okay? I don’t want you to see me different.”

“Of course not.” Hen embraced him tightly. “You’re still my reckless, goofball little brother with a heart of gold. I just know something about you I didn’t know before. That doesn’t change anything.”

“Thanks, Hen.” Buck squeezed back, aching with relief. 

“I just figured I should tell you because to be honest…” He pulled back a bit, so that he could see her face and felt his heart clench when he saw that she was wiping her eyes. “I think that’s why I pushed a lot of this stuff back when I was younger. I was scared that, um - I was scared that maybe he broke me?”

Hen’s freshly dry eyes welled up again. “Oh honey. Oh no. That’s not - that’s not how that works. Whatever he did to you,” and now her voice was starting to grow stronger and deeper with anger, “That has nothing to do with who you feel attracted to and who you love.”

“I know,” Buck assured her. “Well, I know _now._ But in high school… everything was just so confusing. I didn’t even know there was anything other than gay or straight until I was in college. I knew I wasn’t gay because I liked girls so I didn’t understand why I was looking at guys and thinking they were attractive unless…” He shook his head. “Then in college I learned more about sexuality but I didn’t think bisexuality fit because I definitely didn’t want to have sex with guys. I mean - why would I be interested in _that?”_

His voice broke a little, and Hen let out a muffled noise of distress. “It was - it was really bad Hen.” Buck said quietly, trying to convey it to her without having to say _that_ word aloud to her.

Hen wrapped her arms around him again, less desperately this time. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” She murmured. “You’re so much stronger than I even realized. You know you’re one of my favorite people, right?”

“You’re one of my favorite people too.” Buck replied instantly, warmth spreading through his chest at her words. Hen was such a wonderful, loving person who had a beautiful full life. She had so many people who loved her and it made him feel happy to know that she held him in that high of a regard. “And one of the strongest people I know.” He thought for a second, then added: “ _And_ probably the smartest.”

“Then can you promise me you’ll listen to what I have to say?” Hen released him as he nodded. “I don’t blame you for having issues with the idea of being with a man. That’s totally understandable. But it sounds like maybe this whole thing with Eddie is your psyche’s way of signaling that maybe you’re ready to give it a try when you weren’t before.”

Buck opened his mouth, ready to ask her what she meant by _give it a try._

At that precise moment, the panic room door swung open. 

“Oh hey guys, thanks for waiting.” Chimney called into the room, then his eyes focused on Hen’s red-rimmed ones as he took in the sight of them sitting on the floor, limbs entangled. “Are you -”

“Don’t mind us.” Hen chuckled self-deprecating up at him. “I decided to take this opportunity of a locked room to cry about Nia getting adopted. Buck was nice enough to cry with me.”

“Of course he was.” Chimney’s humor barely masked his obvious concern for his partner. 

“Hey, you know I’m always down for a good cry.” Buck jumped to his feet, offering Hen a hand. As she took it, he gave her a subtle squeeze, trying to convey his gratitude through the simple gesture. He peered past Chimney. “Where’s Cap?”

“Back at the truck. I’m supposed to grab you guys and we’re bolting. The wife arrives here in t-minus thirty-two minutes and the homeowner made it pretty clear that if we’re still here when she arrives heads will roll.”

Hen rolled her eyes but moved forward out of the panic room. “Ah yes my favorite. Enabling womanizing, cheating millionaires who think we’re their personal servants even though they don’t even pay their damn taxes. Reminds me why I got into this work in the first place.”

“If it makes you feel better, we can pretend that the girlfriend and the wife are in on a secret scheme together to steal all his money?” Chimney offered, throwing an arm around Hen’s shoulders.

“Do we think it’s a reluctant allies situation, or did the wife hire the girlfriend?” Buck asked, keeping his strides short to remain apace with them.

They bantered on their way to the truck and Buck felt himself relax as he basked in their presence and the strength of their friendship.

The anxiety was still there, just not nearly as crushing. And maybe next time, it would be better - and even better the time after that. He’d probably never be at the point where he’d be shouting about it from the rooftops, but he didn’t want it to be such a goddamn ordeal every time.

More importantly, Hen hadn’t found the idea of Buck wanting to kiss Eddie nearly as crazy as he would’ve thought. Everything she’d said had made a lot of sense and though the idea that maybe he wasn’t as straight as he’d thought was overwhelming and even a bit scary… 

Hen had said that for some people, there was that one person who helped them open a door to that part of themselves. Someone who changed the game for them. 

Eddie’s face flashed in his mind, his eyes soft and beautiful after he’d told Buck that nothing Buck could say would change the way he felt.

And Buck realized that if someone was going to change the game for him, then he wanted that person to be Eddie. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs:  
> Buck is questioning his sexuality in this, so there's some (mostly past) internal homophobia and biphobia he's grappling with.  
> Vague mentions of homophobia from Hen's past as well.  
> There's also mentions of past homophobia from other people (high school experiences, nothing specific or detailed).  
> Past childhood sexual assault is mentioned, and the consequences of that relating to sexuality and internal homophobia is discussed.
> 
> General notes:  
> While I don’t think Bobby’s speech to Buck was perfect, I do think some people misconstrue it as slut-shaming when it’s not. Buck behaved really unprofessionally, not just because he was stealing firetrucks to have sex in while he was supposed to be working, but because he picked up woman on calls. Which we saw made Hen uncomfortable. 
> 
> So when Bobby said “We work with women” I don’t think it was meant to be “Oh you can’t have sex with a bunch of women because we work with women,” I think it was meant to be “Hey when you swing your dick around at work and treat women like they’re just there for you to have sex with IN FRONT OF THE WOMEN WE WORK WITH, then that’s highly disrespectful” and he’s correct.
> 
> I love Hen and Buck's relationship and just generally if Henrietta Wilson ever punched me in the face I'd probably thank her.


	12. Un Sospiro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I think I could be a one or a two.”
> 
> “A one or a two?”
> 
> “On the Kinsing scale.”
> 
> “... Ah. The _Kinsey_ scale.”
> 
> “Right, that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs at the end

Buck honestly didn’t know who he was before Reddit was invented.

As a child of the internet age, he was its number one fan. Growing up, his parents were really strict about their office computer being only for homework. So getting his own laptop in high school was a  _ revelation. _ At first he mostly used it for video games and (let’s be honest) porn, but eventually he came to the discovery that Wikipedia - the dreaded fake encyclopedia his teachers had always banned them from - was  _ fun.  _

Yeah, some of it was obviously fake: like the time when he stumbled onto the first law of thermodynamics page where it claimed that the first law of thermodynamics was to not talk about the first law of thermodynamics. But other than that it was cool and it was much easier to learn stuff through a trail of links versus sitting in a room while someone talked at him, or reading through unnecessarily wordy text books.

Buck loved internet research, even though Bobby would shake his head at the word ‘research’ (whatever, Bobby was old), and Reddit was the culmination of everything great the internet had to offer. He could spend hours reading through r/TodayILearned, legitimately did not know where he would be without r/ExplainLikeImFive, and at the end of a hard shift he would often find himself curled in bed immersing himself in r/WholesomeMemes and r/Awww.

So naturally after Hen suggested that Buck might not be as straight as he thought, he went to Reddit for answers.

And holy fuck, there were a lot of them.

He started his journey off in r/Bisexual and descended down the rabbit hole from there. The first shocking thing was just the sheer  _ amount  _ of posts that started off by saying they were at least twenty years old and only just figuring out they weren’t straight. So many of them were around his age or even older than him! 

Reading those posts was like looking into a funhouse mirror, and also quickly had him googling _what the hell is a Kinsey scale?_ By the end of his research frenzy he was scrolling lazily through r/SuddenlyBi and snorting at all the jokes, feeling much more comfortable with the idea that yeah, it was totally possible for him to be bisexual and just not have realized. And maybe it didn’t even have to be that scary.

Unfortunately, it didn’t really give him an answer as to whether or not that was actually  _ true. _

* * *

His second appointment with Monroe came up quickly and for the first time Buck found himself actually anticipating a therapy appointment with something that almost felt like  _ impatience.  _

Talking to Hen had been great and all but Buck didn’t want to turn her into his personal sexuality guide just because she was his closest non-straight friend. Especially since he had an actual therapist. Even if this wasn’t exactly why Buck had started seeing her, he was pretty sure it was all related anyway and figured that she probably knew what she was talking about.

Of course when he actually went to see Monroe and she asked him how his week was, Buck got sidetracked talking about his parents for thirty minutes because his mom had called yet again that morning. By the time he got her up to speed on at least some of the backstory with his parents, half the session was over.

“I just… I don’t know.” Buck rubbed the back of his neck. “I know that she wants us all to be together for the holiday and the right thing to do would be to invite them to Bobby and Athena’s. I haven’t exactly been talking to Maddie about them, but I know they’ve been doing like weekly brunches so I think she’s getting along better and would be fine with them there. So I guess I could talk to Maddie and see what she wants to do.”

Monroe nodded, her dark eyes calculating. “Discussing holiday plans with your sister to see what she wants sounds like a good idea.” She paused meaningfully. “As long as you tell her what  _ you  _ want.”

“Can’t I just ask her to decide for me?” Buck asked, only half-joking. Normally he never wanted anyone making his decisions for him (often to Bobby’s aggravation). He knew that his bullheadedness was one of his more…  _ defined  _ qualities. 

But this situation with his parents was complicated and even thinking about the possibility of what he was supposed to say to his dad when he saw him again gave him a headache. Letting Maddie be the one to make that call just sounded easier, if only so he could say:  _ “I didn’t even want you here,” _ if he got into an argument with his dad again.

“You could, but I wouldn’t advise it.” Monroe said in that philosophical therapy way. “You did say they were looking to move here?”

“They might have already,” He shrugged, even though he was pretty sure they hadn’t. If they had and Maddie knew, she  _ definitely  _ would have told him. “At any rate, they’re going to at least keep AirBnbing it until Maddie’s baby is born.”

“You might not have any control over whether they move here; however you can set the boundaries for what your relationship will be if they do continue to stay.” Monroe advised him. “It may not feel like it but you actually have an opportunity here. You’re at a turning point in your relationships with your parents, and you get to have a say in what you want both or either of those relationships to look like.”

She was talking about his parents, but as soon as Buck heard the words  _ “turning point”  _ all his brain could think was  _ Eddie. _

“Right…” He glanced at the clock, marvelling at how the time seemed to go so quickly. Back when he was in high school, he could’ve sworn that the minute hand actually moved backwards during some of those therapy sessions. “So… on the subject of turning points. I kind of wanted to talk about a different relationship - well. Not a relationship. Not even a  _ potential  _ relationship, necessarily…”

Buck trailed off, expecting Monroe to get impatient and redirect. Before remembering that she was a therapist and was just going to make him work it out on his own.

He took a deep breath and just dived in. “I’ve been… thinking about someone. Differently, than how I thought about them before. For a little while now, but I became aware of what it could mean super recently and it feels a lot like how it feels when I’m… interested in someone.”

If Monroe caught onto the pronoun game he was playing, she didn’t show it. “Is this someone who’s been in your life for very long and is it someone you’re close to?”

“Yes and yes.” Buck replied, like he was verbally checking off boxes. “For two years and it’s one of my closest friends and…” Oh, fuck it. “He’s a guy.” He checked Monroe for a reaction, but there was none. 

Right: they hadn’t actually talked about sexuality or even sex yet. “I’m straight.” Buck informed her, then shook his head to immediately negate his own words. “Or… I thought I was straight. Maybe a little bicurious. I’ve looked a guys before, but I’ve never wanted to have sex with them or been interested in anyone.”

“Until now.” Prompted Monroe, starting to catch on.

“I don’t  _ know.”  _ Buck felt like he was going around in circles - hell, like he’d been spinning out for at least a week. “It started a little over a month ago, when he told me he was bisexual. And I’m not saying that he said that and I was like  _ oh that’s hot.  _ That’s not what... ” 

He took a beat to reorganize his thoughts. “Eddie’s hot. Like, objectively. And when I met him I might have possibly had some thoughts about him that weren’t entirely work appropriate, but I shut those down quickly because that’s kind of a habit for me. I guess.” 

“Hmmm,” Monroe intoned, making a note.

Buck rolled his eyes. “I’ve been on the subreddits; I know that probably means I’ve been ‘repressing my homosexual tendencies’ or whatever.” He waggled his fingers for the air quotes before dropping them into his lap with a frustrated sigh. 

“The point is, I already thought he was hot, we’re just really good friends and we work together. Then he said he was bisexual and suddenly I start getting all these weird impulses to just… start making out with him. Or I’m getting distracted by how good he looks - I should also say that he’s objectively  _ pretty. _ Like you would not believe how attractive this man is.”

He almost went fishing for his phone before stopping himself - what was he doing? Trying to prove to his therapist how hot Eddie was? 

Well it wasn’t totally illogical. There was a possibility that she would take one look at Eddie and Buck that no, he wasn’t interested in men, he just had  _ eyes. _

“I’ll take your word for it.” Monroe told him, sounding a little too amused as she clicked her pen with her teeth. This was the third time she’d done that this session and Buck realized it was probably a tic. “So, you think that you’re interested in Eddie but you’re not sure because you’ve always considered yourself straight?”

“Maybe?” Buck raised his hands up, elbows resting on his knees as he gestured along with his words. “The thing is it doesn’t feel the same as when I’m into a woman. I don’t actually know if I want to have sex with him. I’ve been thinking about making out with him but not having sex so I don’t know if it’s just - like that’s the difference between just being curious versus wanting to actually be physical with someone.

“But on the  _ other  _ hand…” He steepled his hands together, suppressing the urge to crack his knuckles. “There’s this other part that… I really care about him. He’s one of the most important people to me, and so is his son, and being around them it feels like…” 

Shit, this was so much harder to say out loud than admitting he might be physically attracted to Eddie. Buck shot a look at Monroe, who was just watching him patiently, feeling relieved that she wasn’t Frank. He would’ve  _ never _ been able to tell Frank any of this. 

“They feel like family to me,” Buck confessed, feeling his heart skip a beat as he told her. “In a way that’s different from the rest of my coworkers. And the other day I spent the night there - Eddie got a concussion, I had to monitor him, it’s a long story. But I spent the night there and I ended up crashing in his bed and we talked about some serious stuff and…. I just got this feeling. The only thing I can compare it to is how I felt about my first serious girlfriend. Who I’m pretty sure is the only person I’ve ever been in love with.”

_ Until now?  _ The question hangs on his tongue, terrifying in the possibilities. 

But also… completely impossible.

“It seems crazy though.” He interjected, before Monroe could respond to that, shutting the thought down himself. “Because I don’t know if I’m actually even attracted to him or if I’m just... really fucking lonely.”

Buck dropped his hands again with a loud sigh. 

Monroe waited awhile before replying, probably not sure if he was about to start back up again. “Out of curiosity, how do you know when you’re attracted to a woman?”

“Uh…” He winced, scrunching his face in embarrassment. “I’d usually have sex with her?”

She raised her eyebrows at him.

“You should probably know I used to be a manwhore.” Buck admitted. He remembered that Frank didn’t like that term, so he added: “Or, to put it in more professional terms I guess I had an ‘unhealthy relationship with sex.’ At one point I thought I was a sex-addict. It’s not really a problem for me anymore, though.” 

He wasn’t surprised this time to see Monroe make a note at that. Hopefully she wouldn’t bring that up as often as Frank did: Buck hated rehashing his Buck 1.0 days. “So you had sex with every woman you were attracted to?” He didn’t blame her for the dubious tone.

“Well not  _ every  _ woman.” Buck thought back. There’d certainly been plenty of women he was attracted to that he didn’t have sex with, especially recently. He just didn’t actively think about having sex with them unless they were attracted to him (which... they usually were), and when that happened actual sex usually followed pretty quickly. “There’s really only been a couple times where I’ve wanted to have sex with a woman and not just had sex right away.” 

Both Abby and Ali, actually. Abby because he was really trying not to screw it up the way he inevitably would if they just jumped into bed, and Ali because they just naturally took things slowly thanks to her traveling for her job.

He’d definitely thought about having sex with both of them a lot before it happened though.

“Oh.” Buck realized, blurting it out before he could second guess himself: “I’ve only ever thought about women when I masturbate.”

And then immediately wished he could take it back because  _ yikes,  _ Monroe wasn’t a sex therapist she was a ‘Family and Relationships’ therapist and she probably didn’t sign up to listen to him talking about his masturbatory habits.

Fortunately Monroe seemed unphased. “Is that definitely a preference, or have you never tried to think about men?”

“I have definitely never actively tried to.” Buck said with certitude. The memories were fuzzy, but he  _ almost  _ thought that when he was younger he would have to actively push those thoughts away when he was watching porn - forcing his eyes to focus on the women only. 

If Monroe noticed his phrasing, she didn’t comment. “Well maybe that would be something to try.” She suggested, and Buck’s mouth fell open. “I’m not saying that if you’re unable to achieve orgasm by thinking about men then that means you’re straight, or if you are able to then you’re bisexual. But it could be a good place to start.”

“Are you -” Buck gaped at her, trying really hard not to laugh, his mouth pulling into a grin against his bidding. “Are you giving me  _ homework  _ to go home and masturbate? Seriously?”

Monroe actually did chuckle at that and Buck took that as permission to follow her lead. “Obviously don’t pressure yourself if you’re uncomfortable with it. But it sounds like you’re open to the idea of being sexually attracted to men, possibly identifying as bisexual. I think exploring that possibility sounds like a healthy pursuit and it may also help you feel less confused when it comes to your potential feelings for Eddie.”

“Oh, the Eddie thing is a whole minefield that we’ve only just scratched the surface of.” Buck told her ruefully. “But… yeah. I mean, even Eddie aside. I’d like to get this figured out. I always just thought I couldn’t be bisexual because I would’ve been with a guy by now, but I did some research and realized it’s not that uncommon to realize this at my age.”

“There have actually been studies about that,” Monroe agreed. “Monosexual people - as in, people who are attracted to a single gender - are more likely to clearly identify their sexuality at a younger age than people who are attracted to multiple genders. Such as bisexuals.”

“I think I could be a one or a two.” Buck supplied helpfully. 

“A one or a two?” Monroe asked, befuddled.

“On the Kinsing scale.”

Her brows remained furrowed before lifting in understanding. “Ah. The  _ Kinsey _ scale.”

“Right, that.”

* * *

Buck has never had this much trouble masturbating in his life.

In all fairness, there was a lot of pressure riding on this. And he wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted the results to be.

On one hand, not being into guys would mean that there was no logical explanation for all the strange thoughts and feelings he’d been having about Eddie. 

On the other hand, being into guys would mean… that he was into guys.

He started out trying to just think about guys that he thought were attractive. He specifically did  _ not  _ think about Eddie, because if he did Buck wasn’t sure how he was supposed to look him in the eye when he saw his friend next. So instead he thought about the guy who worked out near him at the gym, then his training partner from the Fire Academy (probably the closest thing he’d ever had to a legitimate “guy crush” before Eddie), and then getting a bit desperate he tried summoning Michael B. Jordan into his imagination.

Nothing.

Then he actually pulled up pictures of celebrities and other guys that he thought were hot and even though Buck could feel the occasional tightening in his stomach… somehow none of it was translating to his dick. 

He was in the midst of clicking through pornhub, clinically trying to decide if he wanted to start out with something tame like  _ frottage  _ or if he should dive straight into the deep end, when his phone rang.

Buck checked it and cursed. Of course it was fucking  _ Eddie. _

… he still picked up, because of course he did.

“Hey man what’s up?” Buck asked, shutting his laptop so that he wouldn’t have to listen to Eddie’s voice while looking at all the thumbnails of attractive men looking seductively up at him. 

_ “I feel like I’ve definitely used all of these up already, but I’m wondering if you could do me a favor.” _

“Nah I’m just saving all these up so when I call you and ask you to help me commit a felony, you won’t have a choice.” Buck replied, already smiling like an idiot into the phone. In spite of the poor timing, hearing Eddie talk after thinking and talking about him for over a week felt extremely grounding. Even if he wasn’t sure what the hell was going on with him and his sexuality, he knew that just the sound of Eddie’s voice was enough to make him happy. “No, seriously what’s up?”

_ “I… may have spaced and forgotten that Christopher was supposed to go to a birthday party today.”  _ Eddie told him, sounding chagrined.  _ “Carla’s not working today and I’m still not supposed to drive.”  _

“Ah.” Buck grabbed his keys and his wallet without a second thought. “You need me to come over now?”

_ “If you’re busy, it’s okay if he’s a little late-” _

“I’m not busy,” Buck said, before flinching at himself. Christ, he might need to at least pretend to have a life occasionally so that Eddie didn’t think that he was a total loser - regardless of whether or not he was actually into Eddie. He did have plans in a couple hours, with Hen, Karen, Chimney, and Maddie. But if he told Eddie that then he would ask someone else and was Buck’s pride really more important than being there for Eddie and Christopher?

No. The answer would always be no.

* * *

The birthday party was at Christopher’s friend’s house in Sherman Oaks and it was only for a few hours. Logically it didn’t make any sense for Buck to drive all the way back to his apartment downtown or even to meet up with Hen, Karen, Chimney, and Maddie in Century City like they were planning. 

Instead, recalling how empty Eddie’s fridge was when he grabbed a juicebox for Christopher to drink in the car, Buck swung by the grocery store on his way back to North Hollywood. He didn’t go crazy because he knew Eddie would hate that, instead just picking up the essentials that Eddie would have gotten if he’d been able to drive today.

Sadly some asshole in a massive Hummer was parked dead in the middle of what should have been two street parking spots across from Eddie’s building, so Buck had to drive down two more blocks to park. By the time he approached Eddie’s door his fingers were starting to cramp a little from the strain of lugging three grocery bags in each hand. There was the faint sound of piano music coming from somewhere but Buck wasn’t really paying attention to anything aside from how much his fingers  _ hurt  _ and -

He stopped outside Eddie’s door, setting the bags down gently as he frowned in concentration.

Was the music coming from  _ inside  _ Eddie’s condo?

Aware that he probably would look like a creep to any passerby, Buck inched closer to the door and pressed his ear to the wood. 

The music came through more clearly - he could even feel the vibrations against his ear. It was absolutely coming from the house. And he didn’t know much about music or instruments, but judging both from the volume and the way it sort of seemed like the music was pausing unnaturally in places… it sounded like someone was actually playing a real piano.

The only logical conclusion that Buck could come to was that someone broke into Eddie’s home, wheeled a piano in there, and started playing it. Because he was certain there wasn’t a piano inside. And he was even more positive that Eddie didn’t play piano.

Or… he was pretty sure?

Again, Buck didn’t know much about instruments. He did know that the music sounded lovely, and complicated. Much more advanced than anything Maddie had played when she was younger. It almost resembled the strumming of harp strings - he didn’t know the piano could sound so light and airy.

Buck probably could have just stood there listening for longer, but it was almost ninety degrees and there was frozen meat in the grocery bags. Reluctantly, Buck fished out his spare key and entered, trying to be quiet to avoid breaking the spell.

He also still wasn’t ruling out the possibility of an intruder honestly.

But no, when Buck padded silently into the living room there was Eddie sitting at an actual  _ piano  _ in the corner. His fingers moved gracefully over the keys in an almost hypnotic motion, hands dancing across each other. 

He could barely see Eddie’s face from this angle, though he could make out a tiny furrow of concentration as he came up to what Buck presumed was a tricky section - just by the way that Eddie’s fingers slowed down and there were a few sounds that he would’ve guessed weren’t intended even without Eddie’s little huffs of frustration. 

But in spite of the hiccups, Buck could see from his body language that Eddie looked at peace. His frame was swaying from side to side in a totally nonchalant manner that was at odds with the gymnastics that his fingers were doing as they leapt over each other. 

And as Eddie came to a slower moment, the music dwindling away, his head tilted to the side like he was really  _ contemplating  _ the sound of it with a bemused smile fluttering onto his lips. 

Then Eddie must have caught sight of Buck out of the corner of his eye because he jumped a little on the bench, fingers slipping on the keys with a  _ clang _ that wouldn’t have been out of place in a cartoon.

“Shit, how long have you been there?” Eddie demanded. 

“Only like a minute. How long has  _ this  _ been here?” Buck came over to inspect the piano. It was a lot smaller than the one at his parent’s Pennsylvania house, and judging by the glowing light it was digital. Wow, he never would’ve guessed - it had sounded so real. 

Eddie shrugged, feigning nonchalance. But his cheeks were red. “I got it like six months back. There’s a bunch of boxes of toys usually in the way that I have to move in order to play, that’s probably why you’ve noticed it.”

“Ah okay - follow up question:  _ Eddie you play the piano?” _ Buck couldn’t help the accusatory tone of his voice. He couldn’t believe that he’d known Eddie for two years and this had never come up! Not even when Hen was schooling him on what a bassoon was. “Wow, just when you think you know a person-”

“It’s not some big secret, it just never came up.” Protested Eddie. “Besides, I don’t really play anymore.”

“Really? Then what was that? Eddie, you’re amazing!”

Eddie actually laughed at that. “Thanks Buck, but no. I’m not even as good as I was in high school.”

“What did you sound like in high school then?” Buck wondered as he peered at the sheet music, eyes widening. His two months of saxophone lessons in fourth grade had not prepared him to begin to comprehend that many symbols on a page. “Holy shit that’s a lot of notes.” 

“This is a new piece,” Eddie explained, shutting the book. He seemed almost defensive of it. “I’m still getting the hang of it. It’s not ready. It’s not up to speed and I’m still making mistakes... I’m not ready for anyone to hear it yet.”

And now Buck felt bad for intruding. “I mean it all sounded good to me, but all I know about piano is from Maddie playing it. I was super young when she quit, so basically… I know nothing. Point is, I’m definitely not judging.”

Eddie nodded, finally noticing the grocery bags Buck had set down on the coffee table. His expression shifted to exasperated. “You didn’t buy me groceries, did you?”

“Just the basics, nothing fancy. You can even reimburse me if you want.”

“Uh yeah, I absolutely will.” Eddie rolled his eyes, starting to stand up from the bench.

“Hey, I can put these away if you want to keep playing.” Buck told him, and moved to gather the groceries. “I mean, if you don’t mind me listening.”

Eddie hesitated, eyes flicking between Buck and the piano. “I’m not going to make you put the groceries away by yourself.” 

“I want to!” Buck insisted. He was so utterly  _ fascinated  _ by this unknown side of Eddie, still in a bit of shock that Eddie  _ “I know MMA” _ Diaz could produce anything that soft and delicate. The duality of man. “I like listening to music, it relaxes me. Let me put the groceries away, you just play.”

Without waiting for a response, Buck gathered the bags and walked off to the kitchen, feeling encouraged when Eddie didn’t immediately follow him. As Buck opened the freezer and tried to ignore all the weird gymnastics his stomach had been doing since he walked into the condo and witnessed the glory that was  _ Eddie playing the piano, _ he heard the notes start up again. For about thirty seconds he thought it was the same song, until he realized the melody was a little different. Eddie was clearly more confident with this one, faster and with fewer fumbled notes (as far as Buck could tell anyway).

There was something just a little  _ sad  _ about this song though. It started out frenetic and desperate, dissolving away into a simpler and achingly slow melody. It was almost like Eddie was trying to say something in that middle section, so close to being heard… and then it abruptly cut back to the fast notes again, escalating into something so panicked it made the hair on the back of Buck’s neck stand up. 

As Buck was finishing putting away the groceries, the music settled into something almost resembling peace as it drifted away into silence.

Then, a house-shaking force announced the start of the next song. This one was dramatic and powerful, and even before Buck snuck back into the living room with two sandwiches on plates he could hear all the rage that Eddie was pushing into it. 

He settled into the couch, watching the muscles of Eddie’s back work as his arms flexed from the sheer force of the chords. This was a side of Eddie that Buck recognized more than the artful pianist with the dancing fingers from earlier. This one was beautiful and heartbreaking and full of hurt as he practically threw his body into the song.

Eventually it ended, as drastically as it began. Buck was certain that Eddie knew he was there by now and expected him to stop playing.

Instead, Eddie launched into a new song. This one was the lightest of all of them and even to Buck’s untrained ear seemed simpler. He could see it in the ease that Eddie’s fingers skimmed along the keys, in the curl of his lips and the almost  _ playful  _ way that he moved his body as he ran up and down the keyboard. It was like all of the tension that had built up in Eddie front the previous few songs dissolved away and he was left sitting straighter and more at ease than he was when Buck first walked in.

This time when it ended, Eddie turned to Buck with a small smile on his face. “Is one of those for me?” He asked, nodding at the sandwiches.

Buck nudged it toward him, beckoning Eddie to come sit. He felt spellbound still, not wanting to disrupt the echoes of the music with his brash voice. 

So they sat in silence for a while, their contemplative chewing the only sound. For whatever reason, the melody of the first song Eddie had played seemed to have gotten lodged in Buck’s head, even after listening to that wide range of music for the past thirty minutes.

“Frank got me back into it,” Eddie finally told him, still looking at peace. Like he was more comfortable in his own skin than usual. “He said I needed a healthy outlet.”

“Hey, I’ll take this over the street fighting any day.” Buck said around a mouthful of sandwich, swallowing the large bite when Eddie gave him an amused  _ you’re talking with your mouth full again  _ look. “I stand by what I said before. You’re amazing, Eddie.”

Eddie shook his head yet again, his eyes wistful. “I could’ve been.” He admitted, with a certitude that Buck knew wasn’t faked. “I had to quit when I was fourteen. Lessons were expensive and it wasn’t practical so…” He shrugged, and Buck could suddenly read the hurt that was over a decade old in that shrug. Even if he hadn’t been listening to Eddie for the last half hour, Buck would’ve been able to tell just from hearing Eddie talk about it. 

He’d  _ loved  _ it.

“I still had a long way to go with the technical,” Eddie continued, “but my teacher always said I had the _expressive_ part down. So when Frank said I needed a way to express myself… this is the first thing that came to mind.”

“I could tell.” Eddie turned to him and Buck felt like the words were stuck in his throat. “It’s like I could hear you.” He explained, a little sheepish. That sounded a lot less stupid in his head. 

But Eddie seemed to understand what he was saying. “It helps me process things.” He explained. “So like certain songs I’ll think about specific events, places, or people.” 

Buck wondered if Eddie had gone back to Afghanistan in his mind when he played that loud, forceful song. If he used it as a vehicle to unleash all that raw, pent-up anguish that Buck knew had to be there, buried under the surface. 

But he wasn’t about to ask Eddie that. 

Instead he said: “Was that last song about Christopher?” Eddie looked stunned, and Buck explained, “You were smiling the whole time.”

Eddie released a soft snort, shaking his head. “Chimney might be onto something with that drift-compatible thing,” He muttered, and Buck wasn’t sure what that meant except that he’d probably been accurate in his guess. 

“What do you think about when you play the first one?” Buck asked, still unable to get the melody out of his head. 

Something unreadable crossed Eddie’s face.

“I’m still figuring it out.” 

_ Me too,  _ thought Buck as he allowed himself a moment to soak in the relaxed slope of Eddie’s shoulders, the ghost of a pleased smile lingering on his handsome face as he finished sandwich, before Buck ducked his head for fear of being caught staring.

Eddie set his plate down on the coffee table and pulled open the drawer. “Here,” He tossed a controller at Buck, who fumbled with his own unfinished sandwich in an attempt to catch it. “I’m up to an hour of screen time before I start getting a headache, which should be plenty of time to kick your ass in Mortal Kombat.”

This cocky motherfucker.

“See normally I would’ve gone easy on you,” Buck declared, settling himself in as he prepared for war. “But if you’re gonna be a smug asshole about it then I guess I won’t bother.”

“Yeah, yeah, you say that now, until I destroy you and suddenly it’s all  _ Eddie I was trying to be nice because of your head injury.” _

“Alright you are  _ really _ asking for it, why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?”

Eddie ended up totally kicking his ass, but when Buck looked over to see Eddie’s eyes alight with childish delight, lips stretched back in a massive grin that put his bunny teeth on full display, he decided he didn’t mind. In fact, he’d probably do anything to be able to keep Eddie this happy. 

That was almost exactly how he’d felt with Abby.

Except, he was now realizing, he didn't think he'd ever been in this deep with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note:  
> Edit: I'M SORRY I FORGOT TO ADD THE TWS INITIALLY. THAT WAS NOT INTENTIONAL AND I'M REALLY SORRY!
> 
> TWs:  
> Discussion about masturbating. Nothing sexual or explicit, just… a lot of talking about masturbating. 
> 
> And mentions of porn. It’s super clinical and not sexy at all though
> 
> Discussions of sexuality, from the perspective of someone who presumed they were straight and is now considering the possibility that they are bi. 
> 
> Specifically, this discussion focuses on a character being primarily interested in women and coming to the realization they might be into men as well. However this is not meant to say that bisexual people or even this character specifically is only into men or women, that’s just the frame of reference for this character beginning to question their sexuality.
> 
> General Notes:  
> I said on my Tumblr I was going to make Pianist!Eddie happen and lo:
> 
> Liszt - Etude No 3 in D-flat major “Un Sospiro” S. 144 (When Buck comes in, the one Eddie says he’s still working on)
> 
> Chopin - Fantasie-Impromptu in C# minor Op. 66 (The one Eddie plays while Buck is in the kitchen - Buck notes that it sounds frenetic and “sad”)
> 
> Beethoven - Sonata No. 8 in C minor Op. 13 “Pathetique” 1st Movement (The “dramatic” one that Buck wonders if Eddie is thinking about Afghanistan when he plays it - side note... I didn’t like any of the recordings for this one I found on Spotify, but this performance is a good reference!)
> 
> Schubert - Impromptu No. 4 in A-flat major Op. 90 (The last one - the one that Buck correctly guesses makes Eddie think of Christopher!)
> 
> I picked the pieces that I did because Eddie isn’t a concert pianist nor was he able to really train for it. These were some of the songs that he could’ve learned at around the level he dropped off at, and they also fit with Eddie’s thought process (I will probably be doing a companion piece to this where I explain what Eddie’s thinking about when he plays each of these, along with some backstory and gratuitous musical language from Eddie’s perspective). 
> 
> The selections are partially about the sound but mostly about the physical and emotional feel of playing them - like even though the last one might sound a little “sad” (eg: minor) or “dramatic” in the middle, it always makes me feel of love and also just makes me feel lighter and happier after playing it (I may have, being the total dork that I am, gone through my music and tested out which pieces felt right to have Eddie play, and what each of them would mean to him).


	13. Hope(less)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sorry. I think the sexual tension got to me.”
> 
> “What sexual tension?” Buck demanded. “We talked for like two seconds!”
> 
> “But it was a very sexually tense two seconds!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick PSA! A few days ago I stupidly published a chapter at like 3 in the morning and it very quickly got buried on the page, so please double-check the last chapter to make sure you've read it if you aren't sure! 
> 
> This is my third chapter this week (I've been pushing, in case you can't tell), and I'm proud of myself for being this productive. I hope you guys enjoy!
> 
> TWs at the end notes

There was no party like a 118 party.

And there was especially no party like a 118 party that had been organized by Karen Wilson, project manager extraordinaire.

After months of studying for the MCAT and taking a couple certification courses to try to set herself apart from other paramedic applicants, followed by months of preparation and gathering transcripts and recommendations, Hen had turned in her final application for medical school. 

In preparation for this major milestone, Karen had called up their favorite bar and rented it out for the whole evening, for a shockingly low price. They all arrived early to set up the decorations and then hid so they could pop out and surprise Hen when she arrived (who thought Karen was taking her out to celebrate with just the two of them).

It was a celebration first and foremost to honor Hen, and give her an opportunity to truly let loose for the first six months. But it felt personal for all of them. Each member of their team had gotten heavily involved in the process: whether they were quizzing Hen on biochemical foundations of living systems, trying to read through her personal statement with a harsh impersonal eye, or patting her on the back when she stress-cried in the locker room as a critical deadline was approaching. 

It was Hen’s accomplishment, but knowing they’d helped her get there as a team was rewarding as well. So tonight was cause for celebration, even if they all knew that this brought her one step closer to leaving them. Hen insisted that she would try her best to split her time between work and classes (“Guys, I still have bills to pay.”), but they all knew her. Eventually there would come a time when Hen wouldn’t be satisfied being pulled in two different directions. She would want to put all her time and energy into learning how to be the best doctor she could.

When that day came, they would support her too.

Tonight though, they were drinking.

“Whatever you do, don’t start prescribing yourself Vicodin.” Chimney ordered Hen wisely, only three drinks in and already wasted. Maddie had opted to stay in tonight since she was at the point of her pregnancy where she’d rather shoot herself in the face than step foot inside a bar (her words). Which meant that Chimney was seriously drinking for the first time in months, and they were all quickly discovering his alcohol tolerance had not held up during his period of sobriety. “That’s when shit starts to go really south.”

“Alright Chim I’ll keep that in mind,” Hen replied, patting him on the shoulder.

“No really! You can ask Dr. Hugh Laurie.”

“Dr. who now?” Eddie asked as he slid into the booth next to Buck, pressing against his side. Buck felt a flash of heat as Eddie’s bare forearm brushed against his and he nearly knocked his beer over.

“Not Dr. Who, Dr. House!” Chimney wagged his finger in Eddie’s face, almost flicking him on the nose. “Get your fictional Doctors straight  _ sir.  _ Are you sure you didn’t get any brain damage when that ceiling fell on you?”

“Hey Chim, why don’t we go get some water?” Bobby suggested, clapping his hands on Chimney’s shoulder and guiding him out of their booth. 

“But tonight’s my  _ one night,  _ Bobby!” Chimney whined at him, but let himself be led along without a struggle. “One night of drinking and being young and free and then I’ll be a father and I’ll be boring and no fun…”

Buck turned to Eddie as Chimney’s voice petered away, eyebrows cocked in amusement. “Well I guess I better take this from you, then.” He said, reaching to tug Eddie’s beer away from him, but Eddie’s hand shot out and snatched it with catlike reflexes. Which was  _ not  _ hot, damnit. “Eddie, didn’t you hear? You’re not allowed to drink or have fun. It’s the law.”

“Only on nights where I don’t have a sitter.” Eddie snarked back, tipping his beer back and taking a long drink. Buck watched the way his Adam’s apple moved as he swallowed, appreciating the way his neck muscles flexed and hollowed where they connected to his clavicle - what were they called? Trapezoidal? Trapezisial? Trapez-

“So how is your head doing Eddie?” Hen asked and oh fuck Hen was there. Buck dragged his eyes away from where he’d been staring at Eddie’s throat and sure enough Hen was looking at him knowingly.

In fact, her eyebrows  _ arched  _ at him and the little puff of air through her nose might have been a silent laugh.

Buck pretended not to notice.

“It’s good.” Eddie nodded at Hen. “I should be cleared to go back to work by the start of next week, just need to get confirmation from my doctor. Everything is pretty much back to normal.” He paused. “So  _ thank you,  _ Hen. Your diligence was appreciated.”

Buck elbowed her in the side with a grin. “Just another reason why you’re going to be an amazing doctor.”

“Oh I heard I wasn’t the only one who took care of Eddie when he was concussed.” Hen’s grin when she glanced between them was a little too wide. Buck suddenly registered how many empty glasses were in front of her, and realized most of them weren’t Chimney’s. 

Oh shit. Buck would trust Hen with his life but he wasn’t so sure he could trust drunk Hen with his secrets.

“Yeah, Buck was very bossy and wouldn’t let me do anything.” Eddie agreed, still missing Hen’s meaningful looks by the grace of god - and the way that she mouthed  _ “bossy”  _ at Buck when Eddie turned away from her. “He’s a great parent.” He added, with a soft nudge to Buck’s shin. 

It was a joke, but it also wasn’t. Buck looked over and saw that soft look in Eddie’s eyes, and he knew that Eddie was thinking about their conversation that night. 

“And he’ll make a great husband.” Hen added.

Buck laughed  _ way _ too loudly, startling some of Karen’s coworkers at the next booth over. “Okay, who wants another drink?  _ I’m  _ getting another drink.”

Eddie looked down at his own mostly full beer bottle, then back up at Buck in a silent answer.

“Nah, I’m good.” Hen said cheerfully.

There was no way in hell Buck was leaving Hen here with Eddie while she was in this mood. “Really, I think some water would do you some good too, Hen.”

She did not miss his implication and, judging by her deep scowl, was offended by it, but fortunately let him lightly tug her along by the arm over to a side corner by the bar. “Alright I’ve had a few drinks but I’m not at water-invention level yet Buck -”

“No, you were just trying to  _ marry me off to Eddie!”  _ Buck hissed at her. “Which I know you wouldn’t do sober, so no offense but maybe you need to do a lap!”

“Buck relax, he’s oblivious.” Hen waved him off, but she did look contrite. “Maybe… maybe one glass of water wouldn’t be a bad idea.”

Fortunately the water was kept in a self-serve dispenser close to them, so by the time Buck came back to her with two plastic cups of water she hadn’t wandered off

Hen took a gulp and made a thoughtful face. “Why does this taste funny?”

“There was cucumber in the water I think.”

“It’s  _ minty.” _

“Maybe there was mint too, I dunno.” Buck took a sip, then immediately spat it back out. He caught Eddie choking back a laugh from across the room, and gave him a sardonic wave, before looking down at the water and miming gagging. Why couldn’t they just let water be water? 

Hen seemed to like it though, drinking the whole thing quickly. 

“You good?”

Hen nodded, resting her head against the wall. “My head’s spinning a little.” She admitted. “Sorry. I think the sexual tension got to me.”

_ “What _ sexual tension?” Buck demanded. “We talked for like two seconds!”

“But it was a very sexually tense two seconds!” Hen insisted. “And you’ve been tracking him around the room all night- seriously, either you’ve started looking at Eddie totally differently, or you’ve  _ always  _ been into him and I just never noticed, because the way you stare at him is  _ not  _ platonic my friend.”

She looked positively gleeful and as much as it killed Buck that it was at his expense, he was relieved to see her this happy. With Nia’s adoption being finalized there had been some talk of calling off the party, since they didn’t know whether Hen would be in the mood to celebrate. But Karen had decided that they both could use a bit of a distraction; watching Hen now, Buck knew they’d made the right call.

“Well I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.” Buck pulled her into a side-hug. “But please do me a favor and do not say anything about me to Eddie while you’re drunk. I don’t think sober Hen would be happy with you if you did.”

Hen sighed like Buck was sucking all of the fun out of life but nodded. 

Then, she frowned at him. “Wait, why are you such a buzzkill?” She demanded, looking down at his water in dismay. “We don’t need you to be sober, Bobby already agreed to be the designated driver.”

“I’m not sober, I’m just not looking to get wasted.” Buck explained.

Hen cocked her head. “Why not?”

Because Buck had been  _ planning  _ on spending the night getting drunk. Between his late-stage sexuality crisis and the lifelong crisis that was his family drama, he was feeling more than a little strung-out.

It also did  _ not  _ help that he had not actually masturbated in over a week. Well… he’d masturbated, he just hadn’t orgasmed. He had a little bit more success with the porn than just looking at pictures. But it was still like there was some sort of mental block preventing him from crossing the finish line. Which meant he’d been basically blue-balling himself for over a week which was  _ incredibly  _ frustrating.

He knew he could always cheat and just watch good old fashioned heterosexual porn to give himself some relief, but that would be giving up and Buck was not a quitter, damn it.

So he was already feeling a bit  _ on edge  _ and ready to let loose and then… Eddie showed up. 

It wasn’t like he was wearing anything unusually form-fitting or provocative: just a nice red button up shirt and some jeans.

But he’d walked in and Buck’s brain had gone  _ holy shit _ , his eyes catching on the curve of Eddie’s ass in those jeans, mouth watering just a bit at the tiny glimpse of chest hair in the v of his slightly unbuttoned shirt and the toned muscles of his forearms under his rolled up sleeves. 

His heart had beat wildly against his ribcage when Eddie had looked over at him, with his swooped hair that Buck really wanted to run his fingers through to see if it was as soft as it looked, and his rugged off-duty stubble, and those damned eyes had crinkled at him. 

And Buck had realized then and there that he absolutely could not get drunk because if he did then he was going to do something really stupid.

Like try to explore the inside of Eddie’s mouth with his tongue.

“Because I don’t think sober Buck would be very happy with me if I did.” Buck informed Hen with a self-deprecating smile.

Hen patted his cheek thoughtfully.

“You poor, poor boy. I think he’d be happier with you than you think.”

“Hen that doesn’t -”

But she was flouncing away, throwing herself toward Karen with gusto and declaring her love loudly for everyone to hear.

“- make any sense.” Buck mumbled to himself, glancing across the room to see Eddie talking to John and Tanika who had taken his and Hen’s spots in their booth. Eddie looked a little like his eyes were glazing over as he nodded politely, eyes flicking over to meet Buck’s. Eddie’s eyes narrowed in a  _ what are you doing?  _ look when he saw Buck standing by himself, before jerking his head to a side:  _ get over here. _

There was something very demanding about just that minor movement, almost like it was a silent command. And he said  _ Buck  _ was bossy.

Buck ignored the heat that gathered in his lower abdomen at the thought and the way his pants were suddenly just a little more uncomfortable. 

Instead he just adjusted his belt, downed the gross mint-cucumber water…

… and went over to join Eddie at the booth.

(The way that Eddie leaned in way too close and whispered  _ “Took you long enough” _ with his lips ghosting against the shell of Buck’s ear damn well did not help with anything.)

* * *

Back when Buck was crashing on Maddie’s dining room floor in her first LA apartment, they would sometimes go days without seeing each other. Between Buck’s crazy schedule and Maddie having the last pick of shifts at the dispatch center due to lack of seniority, they would sometimes end up on opposite schedules.

The longest they ever went was nearly a week. By the end of the sixth day when Maddie arrived after a night shift and Buck was preparing for an early shift, she had declared that “enough was enough” and insisted that they go get breakfast together.

At five in the morning the only place that had been open nearby was a shitty 24-hour diner in Atwater Village. The coffee was terrible but the food was pretty decent, so Buck and Maddie had ended up making it their regular spot for whenever they were too tired or busy to cook. 

After they both moved out of Eagle Rock somehow the diner ended up being the only habit they kept up from their months of cohabitation. Buck had never come with anyone else because he knew the only reason he and Maddie liked it was because of the memories of sleep-deprived laughter over room-temperature toast and burnt coffee. 

It felt sacred to him, like a place for family only.

Which both explained and also  _ didn’t  _ explain why when his mom asked where he wanted to meet for breakfast this was the first place that popped into his head.

“What a...  _ neat _ little place.” Rachel said, pushing her hand down on the vinyl booth and carefully averting her eyes away from the peeling shellac at the edge of the table. “Do you come here often?”

Buck shrugged. “Often enough. Maddie and I used to sometimes come here and eat when she lived around here. They make good omelettes. Coffee’s shi- not great though.”

“Well I’ll never say no to a good omelette.”

They made polite chit-chat as they ordered and waited for their food. Rachel pulled a face when she saw how much sugar Buck poured into his coffee… until she tried to drink her own black and then to his amusement immediately reached for the creamer.

“So…” Rachel began with that Parent Tone TM that never preempted anything good. “As you’re probably aware, Thanksgiving is coming up soon…”

Buck barely managed to suppress a groan. It was a close call.

“... and since this is the first time all of us have been in the same city in over ten years, I thought it would be nice to celebrate together. The AirBnb we’re staying at has a really spacious kitchen, it might actually be fun to cook a feast in it.”

“Mom -”

“Do you remember the time I let you be in charge of the deviled eggs?” She went on, pretending she hadn’t heard his interruption. “You stole all the eggs that were supposed to be for the potato salad  _ and  _ the rolls because you didn’t think twelve eggs was enough. I had to cram zip-lock bags of deviled eggs in every corner of the fridge. It took us two weeks to eat all of them.”

“I do remember. But listen -”

“If you promise not to triple the recipe again I’ll let you make them this year. It’ll be nice to have everyone under the same roof again, Thanksgiving hasn’t felt the same since you left home. Remember how much fun we all used to-”

_ “ _ Would you let me  _ talk?” _ Buck interjected loudly just as the waitress came with their omelettes. 

“Western omelette?” The waitress asked. 

“That’ll be me.” Rachel said, looking subdued.

“And spinach and eggs white omelette.” The waitress said to Buck. He wasn’t sure if he was imagining things, but there was almost a stern look of disapproval in her eyes.

“Uh yeah that’s mine.”

He definitely did not imagine the way she dropped his plate in front of him and flounced off with a huff.

Rachel made no move to pick up her utensils, instead folding her arms across her chest. “Well. You wanted to speak.” She said haughtily.

“Yeah… so here’s the thing.” Out of the corner of his eye, Buck could see their waitress whispering over to a line cook, before both of them looked over and shook their heads. He suppressed an irrational desire to go over there and assure them that  _ no,  _ he wasn’t really an asshole who enjoyed yelling at his mother. “Maddie and I have been invited to spend Thanksgiving with some of our friends. We’ve talked about it, and we’d both like to go.”

“Oh.” Rachel deflated, looking a little like he’d punched her. “But Thanksgiving is a family holiday.”

_ Exactly,  _ Buck thought, but wasn’t cruel enough to say. “It’s for family and friends. And we would invite you guys to come, but after what happened the last time I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’m sorry.”

Oddly that made his mom brighten. “Oh that won’t be a problem.”

He furrowed his brows at her. “Uh, why not?”

“Well if you actually took my calls you would know this, Evan, but I had a long talk with your father after Maddie’s shower.” Now she did pick up her utensils, her nonchalant attitude betrayed by the aggression with which she attacked her omelette. “He told me what happened and I convinced him from now on that it would just be better if he kept his opinions to himself. At the very least, when we’re guests in someone else’s home.”

The casual way that she talked about it rubbed him the wrong way. As if his dad had just criticized his choice of gift or the way he was dressed. “I mean thanks I guess, but I don’t think that actually solves anything.”

“Evan, I’ve been dealing with your father for a very long time.” Rachel told him with an exasperated sigh. “He’s incredibly stubborn and thinks he knows better than everyone. You have to take the things he says with a grain of salt.”

“Uh - sorry. Did he actually tell you what he said?” Buck asked her in disbelief. “Because I’m not sure how I was supposed to ‘take that with a grain of salt.’”

Rachel pursued her lips, finally looking as uncomfortable as he felt. “He didn’t mean it how you took it. He never meant -” She lowered her voice, like she was talking about something shameful. “- that you’d do anything to  _ hurt  _ Christopher, he just didn’t want anyone to think that you would. It might not seem like it, but he was just being protective.”

_ “Protective?” _ He echoed, dumbfounded. “You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

“He didn’t realize you would take it so personally - and Evan I know you don’t want to hear this, but you might want to work on being less sensitive.” Buck’s mouth fell open in outrage and Rachel quickly added, “I’m just being honest. You let him get to you too easily. And to let yourself get so worked up over something trivial your father said - I’m just worried about you. That’s all.”

Buck’s immediate reaction was to shout at her. He wanted to argue back,  _ loudly,  _ that she didn’t know what the hell she was talking about. Remind her that this was why he didn’t want to answer her calls. Accuse her of always taking his dad’s side and assuming he was just being irrational.

But then he remembered what Monroe had said about taking the opportunity to redefine his relationship with his parents. All that yelling at her would do was just reinforce the dynamic they’d had when he was growing up, always arguing and never trying to come to some middle ground - in addition to likely getting him banned from his favorite breakfast place.

_ She seems like she’s trying,  _ Eddie had said back in the summer, and he was right. She’d talked to his dad about it and even gotten him to agree not to keep his comments to himself (even if Buck had his doubts about how well his dad would follow those instructions). His mom was trying. 

She just didn’t understand.

“You were talking earlier about that Thanksgiving where I made all those deviled eggs.” Buck said instead, keeping his voice calm and level. “I do remember that Thanksgiving. It was my sophomore year of high school. Maddie spent that year with Doug’s family. It was just us and Dad... and Jenny and Benji.”

Rachel’s widened marginally in alarm. As if she couldn’t believe he was bringing up Benji  _ in a public place. _

“Dad had work to do and Benji was watching some football game, while you and Jenny were cooking. I kept trying to find something to do and you kept trying to shoo me away to hang out with Benji. Eventually I convinced you to let me make the deviled eggs because they were my favorite and you said  _ ‘fine but after that you have to go spend time with your uncle it’s rude to just leave him by himself.’ _ ”

“I don’t remember that.”

Buck shrugged. “I do. I remember every time I had to see him after he hurt me. All those uncomfortable family holidays. He really didn’t want to be around me either so I guess that made it a little better… but I was still scared. I made those eggs as slowly as possible and when I wasn’t slow enough, I just made another batch. I kept making them until you told me to stop. And then I hid in the bathroom until you called me to dinner.”

By the time he was done speaking, Rachel had her head ducked, two fingers pressed to the inner corners of her eyes. She shook her head slowly - not in disbelief, Buck was pretty sure, but in pain.

“I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad.” He said, unable to ignore the tug of guilt from hurting her. “I just want you to understand where I’m coming from. I feel like you’re kind of looking back at things with rose-tinted glasses.” 

It wasn’t just about Benji either. They usually had some of their extended family over for the holidays and his mom always stressed herself out trying to get the house and the food perfect. Even when it was just Benji and Jenny it was the same; Maddie used to say that she was “overcompensating to prove she’s a good mother” and Buck wholeheartedly agreed. And meanwhile his dad would find some excuse to isolate himself with work to avoid having to actually talk to anyone. But most of his young holiday memories did have a lot of Benji in them. 

Remembering those was almost harder than thinking about the holidays where Buck went out of his way to avoid him. 

The only holiday that was untarnished was Christmas, because they always kept that to just their main family-unit. Maddie would get really into it, joyfully declaring it the “most wonderful time of the year,” and every inch of their house would be covered in her decorations. Rachel didn’t get overly stressed because she didn’t have to put on a show for anyone. Even Thomas enjoyed it, always sticking with their rituals of reading “the night before Christmas” on Christmas Eve, going so far as to put out cookies for Santa.

Which was one of the reasons he’d been so pissed to realize that Doug had ruined Christmas for Maddie. Buck had been excited to spend their favorite holiday together and when he found out Maddie didn’t want to celebrate that year he’d lashed out and made it about him.

This though,  _ was _ actually about him.

“What Dad said to me was not okay.” Buck told her firmly. “And I really wish I didn’t react the way I did, that I could’ve just kept my cool and told him he was wrong, but that isn’t easy for me. The truth is, I’ve been having a hard time since the summer, with nightmares and stuff. And honestly I think it’s worse with you guys around.”

“Well what am I supposed to do with that?” His mom’s mouth twisted with bitterness. “Are we supposed to go back to just not seeing you?”

He shook his head. “No - not necessarily. And I’m not asking you to tiptoe around me or anything… but  _ c’mon. _ Dad should’ve known better. First of all did he really have to tell me right then in the middle of the baby shower? Really, it couldn’t have waited? And to not even think about  _ why  _ that would be the worst possible thing he could ever say to me… it just makes me feel like he doesn’t get it. Or he does, but he doesn’t care.”

“He cares.” Rachel protested, coming to Thomas’s defense automatically like always. “He just doesn’t always think things through.”

“Yeah, neither do I.” Buck admitted. “But I’m trying to do better. With that and… not overreacting to things. I’m doing therapy even if I’ve still got a ways to go. And I know that you’re in therapy - you’re trying. We’re all trying, so why is he the one who gets a free pass?”

To his surprise, his mom actually snorted at that, shaking her head as a tired smile ghosted on her lips. “Oh believe me, we’ve had conversations about that. I don’t want to say he’s incapable of change. But it doesn’t come easily with him.”

Not for the first time, Buck wondered what his mom saw in his dad. She had always been so patient with him, constantly making excuses for him. As a kid he’d almost been  _ resentful _ ; it was like she’d used up all her patience on Thomas and didn’t have any left over for him and Maddie.

Now he felt sorry for her. Rachel was working on being a better person, a better parent. It wasn’t fair that Thomas was holding her back, but he knew that she would never leave him behind. They were partners, even if Buck didn’t fully understand  _ why.  _

As frustrated as he could get with her sometimes, Buck didn’t want to just abandon his mother on Thanksgiving. Which was why he and Maddie had come up with a Plan B.

“Spending Thanksgiving with the 118 is important to me.” Buck insisted quietly, circling back to the start of their conversation. “And I’m not comfortable having Dad there. But Maddie and I talked it over and we were thinking that we could do something later that night with just the four of us - plus Chimney. Most things will be closed but maybe we could come over and eat some desserts, play some games?”

It was a compromise, and he wasn’t sure if she would accept it… or be insulted at being an afterthought.

Rachel pursued her lips, thinking it over.

Finally she gave a little nod, seeming to agree with his proposal. “So just the four of us and Howie? No one else?”

Buck cocked his head, not sure what she was getting at. “I mean maybe Albert if he’s interested but I have a feeling he won’t be.” 

“Not Eddie or Chris?”

_ Jesus _ Christ on a stick. Buck felt the insane desire to demand whether or not she’d been talking to Hen, except obviously she hadn’t since they’d only met once for like two seconds. “Um - no? Eddie has family in LA they usually spend the holidays together.”

Rachel sighed dramatically, her smile no longer sad. “I suppose that’s fine, but I seem to remember you saying that I’d get sick of them if I came to visit and I’ve only seen them once.”

“Yeah you know what, you can blame Dad for that.” Buck rolled his eyes, then registered something she said. “Hang on. What do you mean ‘visit’? Are you not moving here anymore? What happened to that house you guys were looking at in Manhattan Beach?”

“Oh, it’s long gone.” Rachel waved her hand, sounding only the slightest bit wistful. “We’ve actually been looking at a place in Santa Barbara. Have you ever been up there?”

“I haven’t actually.” Buck scrunched his face up in thought. “What is it, like an hour and a half drive?”

“More like two in traffic.” She looked a little nervous as she gauged his reaction. “It’s a really nice house and neighborhood. Plenty of golf courses, which your father is excited about. Lots to do, keep us from getting bored.”

Buck knew Maddie had joked about the boundary being the California State line, but the thought of a one and a half to two hour drive outside the city being between him and his parents was enough to release that knot of tension that had been living in his shoulders ever since his dad had admitted they were moving out here. 

“Santa Barbara sounds nice,” He told his mom. “I’d love to visit sometime.”

Rachel beamed at him, cutting into her omelette with renewed vigor.

* * *

“So Chimney’s definitely on board then?”

_ “Yes totally.”  _ Maddie assured him. Between the pregnancy and the way she was laying in bed as they Facetimed she had a bit of a double-chin.  _ “Fair warning though I think he’s wanting to make it into a movie night since I’ve told him the reason you and I are so uncultured is because of mom and dad so… he might try and sneak Star Wars in.” _

Buck frowned. “But we’ve seen Star Wars.”

_ “The prequels don’t count apparently.” _

He groaned. “Oh god not the old movies! The special effects are so bad Maddie! Chim tried to make me watch the first one at the firehouse one time but luckily we were interrupted by a five-car pile-up on the 10.”

_ “Luckily…” _

“Hey no one died, it’s not disrespectful. The point is they’re worse Maddie. Just, objectively.”

_ “Well either we suck it up for one night and pretend to like it or we have to keep hearing about it for the rest of our lives so…”  _ Maddie shrugged, smiling softly.  _ “We might as well make him happy.” _

“Aww, you do love him.”

_ “What gave it away?”  _ Maddie asked wryly, flipping her camera to reveal her large belly.

Buck whistled between his teeth. “Wow, you look like a whale.”

Maddie flipped her camera back. She did not look amused.  _ “Buck!” _

“Well you do but it’s a good thing - you’re supposed to look like a whale which you do - Maddie why are you giving me the finger?”

_ “I’m hanging up on you.”  _ She told him rudely, and then actually did. 

Buck gaped at the phone, still not understanding what the big deal was. Maddie’s pregnancy hormones had to be acting up again.

He sat back in his chair, switching over to Instagram and scrolling idly. It was late enough to go to bed, but that would mean actually putting his dishes away and cleaning up the kitchen first and Buck was feeling a little too lazy right now to move. 

There was a post from Lena Bosko that Buck actually skimmed over quickly out of spite. Then he reluctantly scrolled back up because the entire reason he’d even added her on Instagram was as a friendly gesture and if he always just ignored her posts then the point was moot.

Besides, she hadn’t done anything wrong. It was just that her entire existence reminded him of a time in his life that Buck would really rather forget: both because he wasn’t proud of the lawsuit and also because there was a tiny petty part of him that still felt that irrational fear of being replaced whenever he saw her last name.

So he made it a point to look through her post. Just a regular gym workout session with some of her buddies, which Buck flicked through with only a vague level of interest. Sure the guys Lena hang out with were built but they were mostly vanity muscles with somewhat squashed looking faces, they were nothing on -

Oh fuck.

Because there was Eddie Diaz in all his glory.

And holy shit he was  _ glorious.  _

He was wearing one of those damn flimsy black tank tops that he loved so much, shoulder muscles on full display and glistening with sweat. His hair was plastered against his forehead and he was doing an arm-curl that made his biceps look as thick as a fucking tree, legs spread apart far enough that it was just nearly obscene. 

The most striking thing about the photo was the look on his face. Like he was side-eying Lena for taking the picture of him with a bit of a reluctance, but there was a tiny smug smile on his lips. Like he  _ knew  _ what a thirst trap picture this was and he was enjoying it without wanting anyone to know.

“Shit.” Buck muttered, his hand unconsciously moving between his thighs and pressing against his crotch. He was already half-hard.

Then he stopped himself because  _ no _ . No, no, no he was not going to jerk off to a picture of Eddie, no matter how much of a thirst trap it might be. No matter how much it felt like Eddie was looking straight at him, almost  _ daring  _ him to do it.

Buck swiped to the next picture, hoping that it would be another over-muscled jackhole with a face like a rock that could help him cool down. 

Instead it was a video.

_ It’s a trap,  _ his brain tried to warn him, but Buck ignored it.

He pressed play.

At first it just looked like a bunch of random dudes at the gym. Then the camera sloppily panned around to reveal…

Buck’s mouth went dry.

Eddie.

On a motherfucking  salmon ladder.

“Oh god.” He breathed out, as the  _ thunk  _ sound of the bar hitting one of the rungs accompanied with Eddie’s grunt went straight to his dick. 

Holy shit but that strength and agility. His shirt was off now and Buck could see all of the muscles on Eddie’s back - he’d seen them before but never all working together like this, in perfect harmony. 

Eddie made it up another level and fuck that was it. Buck pushed down his sweatpants and started to touch himself. 

The video ended but it didn’t matter because Buck closed his eyes and all he could see was Eddie. Eddie on the salmon ladder. Eddie in that thirst trap picture with that little smile on his lips. Eddie’s lips brushing against his ear in the bar. Eddie’s arm brushing against his. Eddie on the piano, fingers dancing over the keys - holy shit those  fingers _ \-  _

He imagined Eddie’s fingers instead of his own and whined a little in the back of his throat, thinking about how good they would feel. He thought of Eddie under the table, the hollows of his throat flexing like they had in the bar, looking up at him with those soft eyes, making him feel good…

… then he thought about making  _ Eddie  _ feel good and that thought sent a jolt of want through him so strong that he jerked forward a little. Making Eddie flush, muttering little curse words under his breath, seeing him let go, lose control, fingers twisting in Buck’s hair, teasing him, telling him what to do, how he wanted to be touched. Eddie  begging him  for release and telling him how much he wanted him, that he needed him, that Buck belonged with him and -

Buck’s other hand gripped the table to brace himself so that he wouldn’t lurch forward and hit his head when he came. 

For a few moments there were no thoughts in head except blank, white, bliss.

Then there was only one thought:

_ Eddie. _

* * *

Buck wouldn’t say that he  _ skipped  _ to work the next morning, but it was close.

The main reason that he had avoided fantasizing about Eddie (aside from worrying about not being able to look Eddie in the eye), was that he’d been dreading all the inevitable existential dread and confusion that he was sure would come along with it. 

Instead, for the first time in a while, he felt clear.

Obviously there was interest there, more substantial than just Buck having the occasional thoughts of wanting to kiss Eddie. He’d looked at Eddie’s body and it had turned him on - had thought about having sex with Eddie and orgasmed. It was safe to say that he was sexually attracted to his best friend.

Which maybe should have freaked him out.

But it was almost… exciting. The possibilities that this opened up. The idea of being with Eddie not just physically but emotionally. Of having somewhere to put all these intense feelings that had been building in him not just for weeks but for  _ years.  _ That unexplainable pull that he felt toward Eddie and Christopher. That need to always be around them, to be part of their family. That sense of peace and belonging that he always felt around Eddie - how he could twist himself into knots just thinking about Eddie only for it to dissolve away the second he was actually around him.

He was definitely into Eddie. And he wasn’t sure how long that had been true, except that it had been since before Eddie told him he was bisexual.

Eddie being bisexual was one of the other reasons Buck wasn’t completely panicking right now. Him telling Buck that was the first crack of the door, the first sign to his unconscious brain that maybe he could do something with his feelings aside from constantly shutting them down.

Yes, Eddie had said he wasn’t interested in dating men. But there was  _ something  _ in the way that he looked at him that made Buck think maybe that wasn’t entirely true. 

And when Eddie had told him there had been a weird moment. Like maybe Eddie had been waiting for Buck to say that he was interested in men. And when he hadn’t he’d taken Buck’s silence as confirmation that he was totally straight.

Even if he knew the possibility of Eddie wanting the same thing as him was slim… it was still a possibility. 

Which Buck could work with. He was good at being able to tell when someone wanted him. With Eddie it would be tricker because their friendship already blurred so many of those lines, but Buck could do it. 

He could flirt and drop hints and gauge Eddie’s reaction, with minimal risk. Because if Eddie wasn’t looking for it he wouldn’t be expecting it and he would just laugh it off, thinking that Buck was just being his typical overly affectionate self. 

But if he  _ was  _ looking for it… 

Buck’s stomach flipped at the thought. Truthfully the thought of  _ what then  _ was scary. Their friendship was so important to him that the idea of doing anything to jeopardize it made him sick. So was the idea of Eddie having just a passing interest in him, a momentary infatuation. 

_ Well, everyone else has so far. No one wants to stick around. _

He squashed the thought. This was Eddie. They were a good team. If anyone could figure this out, it was them.

_ “There’s nothing you could tell me that would change how I feel about you.” _

So he might have done a little skip on his way into work when Eddie’s words popped into his head. Sue him. 

“You are very cheerful.” Hen noted as Buck bounced up to the kitchen island and plucked a plum from the fruit bowl. “Why are you so cheerful?”

Before Buck could respond, Chimney replied from his position at the stove-top. “Oh god Hen, don’t ask. Buck if it’s sex-related I don’t want to know.” 

“Why do you assume it’s sex-related?” Buck protested even though Chimney was 100% right. He frowned, taking in the sight of Chim making eggs. “Also, why are you making breakfast? Where’s Cap?”

“In his office.” Hen said significantly, jerking her head below in the general direction of Bobby’s office, which Buck had seen the inside of maybe twice. Bobby only used that office when he wanted total privacy for something serious.

He settled at the counter and bit into the plum. “You know what’s going on?” Buck asked around a mouthful of plum.

“Who raised you?” Chimney complained.

“Your unborn child’s grandparents.” Buck shot back.

“I think he’s in there talking to John and Tanika.” Hen interrupted their bickering, shooting them a look that clearly said:  _ boys.  _

“What for?”

“You didn’t hear?” Chimney asked as he flipped his egg with a flourish. “They officially announced that they’re dating at Hen’s party.” The yolk broke on impact and his face dropped in disappointment.

“Uh yeah, I knew that. But not because of Hen’s party, everyone knows they’ve been dating for months.” Buck glanced between Chimney and Hen, confused because he was sure that he’d definitely heard that piece of gossip from one of them.

Resigned, Chimney began scrambling his egg. “We all  _ knew  _ they were hooking up but not officially. But I guess they’re serious enough that they decided to tell everyone so now it’s gotta be a discussion with Bobby. I wonder which one he’ll transfer.”

Buck dropped his plum on the ground.

“What?”

Chimney was too focused trying to salvage his eggs to notice Buck’s alarm. “I mean he’ll have to transfer one of them. Or at least keep them on separate shifts. No way he’ll let them keep working together.”

“Is that really a rule?” Buck asked, feeling like an idiot for not realizing. He also felt like all the air was rushing out of his lunges. “I mean, there’s always exceptions to the rule right? Like if people are really serious about each other and they work well together…”

“Actually I think the brass prefer if you just hook up.” Chimney answered, dousing his pan with salt and pepper. “They know it happens but as long you don’t tell anyone they don’t care. As soon as you’re an actual couple and start telling people though-” 

He drew a hand across his throat.

“What about that couple at the 136?” Hen jumped in, obviously more attuned to Buck’s internal panic than Chimney was since she had a better idea where his head was at. “Lena told us about them, remember? They were allowed to stay at the same house, even the same shift.”

“But she said they’d worked together for  _ fifteen years  _ before they got together.” Pointed out Chimney as he pushed his very browned scrambled eggs onto a plate. 

“Uh - what does that matter?” Buck demanded.

“It matters a lot - it means they had leverage and a proven track record of working together. Plus they were in really good standing. Not that John and Tanika aren’t in good standing, but they’ve only been working together maybe four years?” Chimney shook his head. “No way they’ll be allowed to stay on together. Which is obviously super unfortunate since they’re both great.”

“Yeah,” Buck echoed and while he did feel bad about the prospect of John or Tanika being transferred to another station, he was a little preoccupied with realizing what that would mean for even the potential of him and Eddie being together.

It meant… shit did it mean that there was  _ no  _ potential? He liked to think he and Eddie had a proven track record of being an amazing team, but they’d worked together for less time than John and Tanika. They were both less senior, and both he and Eddie had marks on their records.

They would probably be split up and no amount of favoritism from Bobby would save them - in fact, it might be to their detriment. Bobby couldn’t be seen making special exemptions for two of the firefighters he spent the most time with outside work.

_ It doesn’t matter,  _ Buck tried to tell himself, reaching down to grab the plum he’d dropped, fighting against the wave of crushing disappointment.  _ It was never gonna happen anyway. It’s just a crush, and it’s a bad idea, so you just need to move past it, get over it, you’re probably just overthinking it and making something it’s not anyway- _

“Hey guys.” Eddie’s voice approached them and Buck jerked up at the sound of it, accidentally hitting his head on the counter. Eddie walked up, dressed in his uniform again for the first time in weeks and only now seeing him in the firehouse where he belonged did Buck realize how much he’d missed him.

His mouth also went a little dry at the amused look Eddie shot him, mind abruptly flashing to the picture of Eddie at the gym and the video of him showing off on the salmon ladder. Then to some  _ very not work appropriate  _ thoughts of the things he’d fantasized doing to Eddie while he jerked off at his kitchen table.

_ Stop, stop.  _ He begged his mind, which was the farthest thing from clear right now. Eddie was standing a few feet away from him and Buck wasn’t sure he’d ever wanted anyone so badly in his life. 

Except he couldn’t want him. 

God damnit he should’ve known better. He really should’ve known better.

“You’re late.” Hen pointed out suspiciously. “That’s not like you, what gives Eddie?”

Buck opened his mouth, prepared to tell Hen to give Eddie some slack, that he probably had to drop Christopher off that morning and sometimes if he missed the right window he’d get stuck in horrible traffic. 

But Eddie spoke first.

“Yeah, sorry I was grabbing coffee with someone and I lost track of time.” Eddie admitted and Buck frowned. That really  _ wasn’t  _ like Eddie. Losing track of time?

“Well you’re in luck because Bobby’s been in his office all morning so he didn’t notice your tardiness.” Chimney assured him. He offered his plate of half-eaten eggs to Eddie. “You want some?”

“Thanks I’ll pass.”

“Who were you getting coffee with?” Buck pushed, not understanding why no one else was bothered by this very uncharacteristically un-Eddie behavior.

An almost trapped expression slid over Eddie’s face. “Just - you remember Christopher’s English teacher last year?”

A lead weight settled in Buck’s stomach. Oh no. “Yeah, Ana. I actually met her the other day when I picked up Chris.”

“Oh.” Eddie looked like he didn’t know what to do with that information for a second, before he shook it off. “Well anyway. We’ve been kind of - I guess we’ve been kind of dating.”

“Oh.” Buck echoed. 

The world had suddenly shifted on its axis.  _ Twice _ , in the last few minutes. 

His lips stretched back into a hollow grin that did not meet his eyes. “Hey good for you man! She seems really great. From the five seconds I met her, that is.”

“Thanks, it’s early but I think I really like her.” Eddie said, driving the knife in deeper.

“Well I’m happy for you.” Buck made himself say, every word tasting like glass. He even managed to force out a laugh. “It’s about time! I was starting to wonder if you were going to join a monastery.”

Eddie’s laugh was half-hearted and Buck didn’t blame him. It was a terrible joke. 

Whatever. His heart wasn’t in it.

Instead, he was focused on coming to grips with three damning facts that had just become viciously apparent.

  1. Buck had fallen in love with Eddie without realizing it because he was an idiot.



2\. Buck couldn’t actually be with Eddie because if they did then Bobby would split them up.

And the third, most damning of all:

3\. Eddie didn’t want to be with him. 

(Somewhere, distantly, he could hear Benji laughing at him.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs:
> 
> Mentions of previous child sexual abuse and the child being forced to be around their abuser.
> 
> Semi-graphic sexual content (masturbation and sexual fantasy)
> 
> Drinking to get drunk and general intoxication
> 
> Strained parent relationships
> 
> Discussion of masturbation
> 
> Thirst trap pictures and videos
> 
> Buck just generally thirsting over Eddie (this is NOT meant to objectify Eddie, it’s just that’s the part of the journey that we’re on now folks and Buck is figuring out that he’s attracted to Eddie so there’s going to be some thirsting).
> 
> BUCK’S VERY BAD STAR WARS OPINIONS THAT I DEFINITELY DON’T AGREE WITH BUT I’M TRYING TO KEEP HIM IN CHARACTER OKAY
> 
> Note: 
> 
> About the masturbation scene...
> 
> This is the most graphic I will ever get so if you’re hoping this fic will culminate in a 5,000 word explicit sex scene then I’m afraid you will be disappointed - not to say that there won’t be sex, but not in 4k HDR color with 5.1 surround sound like you see in some fics… mostly just because I can’t write smut.
> 
> I also want to keep this to an "M" rating to keep it accessible to people. But if you feel like this chapter was too explicit for an "M" rating then please let me know, and I'll either change the rating to "E" or find some way to modify it to keep it at "M". (I really don't want to rate this "E" though because 1.) I don't want people who don't read smut to avoid this fic 2.) I don't want people who read "E" fics specifically looking for smut to be disappointed because again... I can't write smut).
> 
> RE: LAFD dating policies. It's a very loose interpretation. I don’t work at a fire department or have any knowledge of what it’s like, this is just fiction (although I suspect in real life that they have an absolutely zero tolerance for romantic/sexual relationships of any kind).
> 
> Also for all of you who were reading the part where Buck was getting excited about his feelings for Eddie and feeling excited yourselves... gosh I'm sorry. The ending hurt me to write.
> 
> Last note I promise: I wrote this chapter then it occured to me that maybe it would seem bad that Hen would seem like she wasn't trustworthy immediately after Buck told her a secret. But sometimes even the most trustworthy people say stupid things when they drink. Hen wouldn't have said anything to betray his confidence though and the only reason she was teasing Buck was because she was drunk. Even drunk though she would absolutely never out him.


	14. Feast or famine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Alright, your turn-”
> 
> But Gina had gone pale and was pointing to something behind him.
> 
> “Oh god,” She whispered. “It’s here.”
> 
> A low growl rumbled behind him.
> 
> “The mountain lion.” Gina finished unnecessarily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs at the end

**9-1-1 Operator:**

**_9-1-1, what’s your emergency?_ **

**Caller:**

**_Hi, hello? Um - we were on a bike tour and a bunch of bikers went over the side of the cliff._ **

**9-1-1 Operator:**

**_What is your location?_ **

**Caller:**

_**Mu-Mulholland, I - I think we’re - oh god -** _

**9-1-1 Operator:**

**_Ma’am can you speak up?_ **

**Caller:**

**_I just don’t want to attract its attention._ **

**9-1-1 Operator:**

**_…_ ** **What’s** **_attention?_ **

* * *

Of all the roads in Los Angeles, there was probably none more infamous than Mulholland Drive.

Like all canyon roads, the views were stunning and the twists devastating. It was known amongst car enthusiasts as a “car graveyard”, with photographers travelling from far and wide to capture the ruins of long lost vehicles that had been abandoned on the sides of the road or in the canyon below.

There wasn’t anything more inherently dangerous about Mulholland than its neighbors, except that its notoriety and lore attracted thrill seekers and tourists who liked to travel the road at breakneck speeds, or - illegally - stop on the edge to admire the view.

It was also a well-travelled road that attracted the attention of weary commuters who wanted to avoid the disaster that was trying to get back into Hollywood from the 110 during rush hour. But with such an accident-prone narrow road any local driver knew they were running the risk of being stuck in a standstill with no safe way to turn. 

Still, lots of people stuck in the current shutdown were making the decision to attempt hairpin turns in order to get out… which made actually getting to the scene difficult. So by the time they got the truck and ambulances through the mess that was “The Snake” during rush hour, Athena and a few other officers had already been on the scene for a short while.

“Mountain lion ran out of nowhere in front of a bike tour group. Scared the people at the front so badly they swerved off the road to avoid it. Animal control is still ten minutes out.” Athena informed Bobby as they checked in with her. She lead them up to the edge of the road overlooking the cliff. “A few of the victims didn’t fall all the way down and we were able to pull them up the rest of the way. They’ve mostly got minor injuries. The rest of them…”

She pointed over the side of the cliff, and they all peaked their heads over.

Four people had fallen twenty feet nearly straight down. The area was at least a little brushy which had hopefully cushioned their fall, but there were plenty of crags and rocks that made the terrain hazardous. As Buck watched, he could see at least two of them didn’t appear to be moving. 

“Any sign of the mountain lion?” Chimney asked, nervously glancing around. Animal-related calls were always his least favorite.

Athena shook her head. “No, we’ve been keeping an eye out but nothing so far.”

“It probably ran off.” Hen informed them, shrugging off her backpack with the rappelling gear as she waited for Bobby’s orders. “Mountain lions are very shy, it probably bolted as soon as it realized there were people here. I doubt we’ll see it again.”

“Still, I want everyone on alert,” Bobby glanced between them, assessing. “Chimney, go down with Buck and Eddie. I want you to do an assessment and send up the most severe injuries first, then come up to help us treat them while Buck and Eddie get the rest of them.”

“Copy that, Cap.” Chimney looked back over the edge, then glanced at Hen. “I’m thinking we’ll need two baskets.”

Hen nodded in agreement, backing away toward the truck as she spoke. “I’ll grab Sanchez and we’ll prep the baskets.”

Buck stepped into his harness, tightening the straps. He started to turn toward Eddie for a safety check, then switched directions toward Bobby instead, only to find the captain in the midst of checking Chimney’s harness. 

He turned back to Eddie like his original instincts had dictated, and his partner gave him an odd look before reaching out and tugging on the straps of Buck’s harness one by one. Eddie was thorough but brisk, quick and professional as he moved into Buck’s personal space. 

Still, the smell of that Bulgari smoggy cologne ( _“it’s Volcanic ash, Buck.”_ ) wafted in through his nose and stuck to the back of his throat. It conjured up that feeling of getting out of the showers after a long hard shift, Eddie’s hand briefly touching his back as they all went their separate ways, that scent which was so distinctly _Eddie_ lingering with Buck even after he was back in his empty apartment.

Eddie pulled back and Buck forced himself to get a grip. Now was not the time to be dwelling on how Eddie _smelled._ He pushed that thought deep down into the Eddie-shaped box that Buck was unfortunately becoming well acquainted with, and focused his mind on the task at hand.

Buck cleared his throat purposefully, stepping forward and checking Eddie’s harness with deliberation. He couldn’t think of anything worse than missing a loose strap because he was distracted and being the cause for Eddie getting injured on the job.

When he finished Eddie signalled to Hen to start letting him down, visibly unaffected as usual by Buck being in his personal space. 

That thought instantly got thrown into the Eddie-shaped box as well. It was starting to get crowded in there.

Fortunately by the time they got down Buck’s head had fully switched over to working mode and there wasn’t any space to think about Eddie or his stupid cologne. Chimney was already down, moving between the victims as he assessed the situation. Once they got to the ledge where the bikers had fallen, Buck moved over to where Chimney was flagging him down, while Eddie checked the rest of the bikers.

Chimney’s victim, who was the leader of the tour judging by her official-looking polo, was clearly the worst off: evidence of her head injury splattered red on a nearby rock. “We’ve got to get her into the basket.” Chimney told him grimly, checking her pulse with two fingers before shaking his head. “Pulse is weak. I stopped the bleeding but she’s already lost a lot of blood.”

“Alright, on three.” Buck positioned himself to move her body while Chimney supported the woman’s head. “One, two, three.” 

The moved the woman with the head injury into the basket, just as Eddie approached them with his arm around a stunned-looking preteen boy. “We’ve got two more injured, one with a sprained ankle but the other one has his leg caught in a bike wheel. It’s gonna take a minute to get it out. Think you can take the kid up with you, Chim? He doesn’t appear to have any injuries, should be good with the harness.”

“I got it.” Chimney gently guided the boy toward him, partially unhooking his harness so he could reconfigure it to carry them both.

Buck followed Eddie to the other end of the ledge, unable to stop the hiss of sympathy through his teeth when he saw what Eddie had been talking about. One of the bikers, a man in his mid-thirties, somehow had gotten his leg tangled in the spokes of a bicycle wheel. His leg was bleeding heavily and as Buck got closer, he could see that one of the spokes was partially embedded in his calf. 

“We’ll have to cut around the spokes and tie them off so we can transport him in the basket.” Eddie told him, cool and collected as always. “He’s in a lot of pain so I need you to keep him stable while I cut.”

Buck nodded, moving over to the man’s side as he let out a litany of curses, clinging tightly onto the hand of another thirty-something woman with a swollen ankle. 

“Shit - _fuck -_ ow - motherfucking _ow!”_ The afflicted man was gasping between grunts of pain. 

“You need to stay calm Terrance, swearing isn’t going to help anything babe!” The woman replied.

“I told you I didn’t want to go on this stupid fucking bike tour!” Terrance turned his agony on her, face screwed up in agony. “This was your stupidest idea yet, and that’s really saying something-”

“Fire and Rescue.” Buck called, partially to let them know they were there, and partially because he wanted to provide some relief for Terrance’s poor companion. “We’re going to get you out Terrance, but in order to do that I need you to stay calm. Can you do that for me?”

“No.” The woman answered for him, looking aggravated. “He’s never been capable of shutting up before, how could you expect to do it now that his life depends on it?”

“Maybe my life wouldn’t be depending on it if you hadn’t signed us up for a damn tour!”

“I had to get you out of the apartment Terrance, you were starting to gunk up the place with your depression smell -”

“Okay, maybe this can wait until you’re both safely up on the road, yeah?” Buck tried to channel all of Bobby’s no-nonsense attitude into his suggestion, but he clearly didn’t have the captain’s bullshit defusing technique down yet because the couple continued to argue.

“You know they’ve made countless movies about people dying on this road, Gina, did you ever stop to consider maybe there was a _reason_ for that?”

“You’re the one always going on about how you biked the Tour de France!”

“I biked the same _route_ as the Tour de France when I was _twenty,_ there’s a difference!”

“That’s enough.” Eddie interrupted, from his spot near Terrance’s leg, wielding a large pair of wire cutters. “Terrance, if you keep jerking your leg around you’re going to nick an artery and bleed out. I’m about to start cutting these wires and I’m going to get pretty close to you, so unless you want me to cut your leg instead, you’ll stop arguing and keep still.”

The couple’s mouths snapped shut, in sync. 

Buck positioned himself so that he was bracing Terrance’s leg, torn between annoyance that they’d listened to Eddie right away after ignoring him, and admiration for Eddie’s ability to instantly command respect in any situation.

Eddie made swift work of the bike spokes, then skillfully maneuvered the bike wheel off Terrance’s leg. Buck continued bracing Terrance’s leg while Eddie wrapped Terrance’s wounds in gauze.

“Oh - shit. Shit.” Terrance yelped when Eddie moved to the wound that the remaining spoke was embedded in. He jerked - luckily Buck had already adjusted the pressure he was applying in anticipation of his movement. 

In spite of their previous bickering, Gina gripped Terrance’s hand tightly, her other hand smoothing the hair back from his forehead as she whispered soothing words under her breath (Buck ignored the way his heart ached with want at the tender gesture).

Finally they got Terrance ready for transport and secured into the basket. Once Buck confirmed that Eddie was on his way up safely with the basket, he turned to Gina. 

“Alright, your turn-”

But Gina had gone pale and was pointing to something behind him.

“Oh god,” She whispered. “It’s here.”

A low growl rumbled behind him.

“The mountain lion.” Gina finished unnecessarily.

The hair on the back of Buck’s neck stood up. The growl was getting louder and it sounded close. Way, _way,_ too close.

Suddenly, he thought about Red telling him about encountering a mountain lion while he was with the ‘Fighting 134.’ They’d been at MacLeod’s that first night, a whole bar’s worth of drinks scattered between them at the table and Buck’s head had been pretty fuzzy at that point. 

But he could still hear Red’s voice in his ear, like the old firefighter was right beside him.

_Never turn your back on a mountain lion, kid. The last thing you want is for it to mistake you as prey._

He turned around slowly, keeping his body between Gina and the mountain lion, then raised his arms and made himself as big as possible.

 _“Buck!”_ Eddie’s frantic hiss sounded over the line. _“Buck stop, what do you think you’re doing? You’re going to attract its attention!”_

 _“No, he’s right!”_ Hen, their local animal expert, argued back. _“Buck, keep doing what you’re doing. Remember, mountain lions are shy, they’re as afraid of people as we are of them. So make yourself as big as possible and back away. Try speaking loudly, but slowly.”_

“Nice kitty.” Buck said, slowly as instructed, raising his voice as he spoke. “Please don’t eat me, I don’t think I’d taste very good.”

Chimney’s voice crackled in his shoulder. _“Tell him about your body-fat percentage.”_

In spite of the situation, Buck found himself fighting back a grin. “He’s right, I work very hard to reduce the amount of fat in my body.” He told the mountain lion, who was kneading the ground nervously, eyes tracking his every move. “The fat is what makes it taste good, right? More importantly, if you stick around my friend Athena up there is probably going to have to shoot you, and I don’t think any of us want that.”

It was ridiculous, talking to the giant cat, since obviously it couldn’t understand Buck’s words. But keeping it conversational helped Buck stay calm, and his voice projected so loudly that the mountain lion flattened its ears back. 

“Go away!” He said, all-but shouting at the lion. “Nothing good to eat here!”

The mountain lion backed up into the brush, before whipping around and running off. 

Buck sagged with relief, moving quickly to secure Gina to his harness. He tugged on the line and called into his radio: “Alright, pull us up!”

His heart was still pounding like crazy by the time they were back safely on the road, to a round of applause. 

“Nice one, Buckley.”

“Yeah, good job Buck!”

“Way to follow your instincts out there,” Bobby told him with a pat on the back after Buck had returned from guiding Gina to the paramedics.

“Thanks, Cap.” Buck replied, the warmth from the praise feeling like a flicker compared to its usual glow.

Eddie hadn’t said anything to him when he came up. Hadn’t given him a congratulatory pat on the back or even joined in on the applause. He hadn’t even been in sight, having busied himself with triaging some of the remaining minor injuries who were waiting for additional transpos. 

Maybe he was pissed that Buck had ignored him over the radio, thinking that Buck was being his typical reckless self.

Or most likely, he had more important things to worry about than making Buck feel validated after a good save.

Still, he couldn’t help but feel like someone had doused his spirits with cold water as everyone except Eddie congratulated him for his daring mountain lion rescue. Even _Athena_ pulled away from her duties for a second to compliment him (and double-check that he was still planning on coming to dinner on Thursday).

By the time they got back to the station Buck was slumped over in disappointment, and hating himself for it. He really needed to get his shit together. Eddie’s approval had always been important to him; his praise had always carried a little more weight to it than anyone else’s. But it was ridiculous that Buck was getting so caught up in that now just because he knew _why._

“Hey.” Eddie’s voice materialized behind him and Buck almost jumped out of his skin as Eddie’s hand skimmed his back. “Didn’t get a chance to say this earlier but that was a helluva save man.”

“Oh, thanks.” Buck said sheepishly, trying to pretend that fireworks of excitement weren’t going off in his stomach at Eddie’s words. “I guess I’ve got Red to thank for that actually, he was the one who told me about the time his crew ran into a mountain lion. Luckily I remembered his advice.”

“Nah, it wasn’t luck. You’re just that good under pressure.” Eddie told him nonchalantly, apparently oblivious to the satisfaction that had to be coming off Buck in waves now. “Guess this is one time I’m glad you didn’t listen to me.”

Buck shrugged, unable to prevent himself from grinning like an unabashed idiot. “I guess you’re not always right, then?”

Eddie held up a finger, _“One time,”_ He repeated in a stern voice. “I said I was wrong one time.” 

“Hmm, I think I heard you say that you were glad I didn’t listen to you, so I guess I should just _never_ listen to you anymore.”

“It’ll be your funeral then.” Eddie shook his head in mock-dismay. This was Buck’s favorite Eddie, his smile carefree and wide so that his dimples were on full display, the sharp points of his bunny teeth peaking out. 

Somehow Eddie’s hand was still on his back, and Buck was pretty sure that was normal. Something that definitely happened all the time _before._ Eddie’s touch had always been there for him to lean into, to appreciate without dwelling on why he liked it so much.

There was a part of him that almost mourned his ignorance. His ability to innocently enjoy Eddie’s company without having to question it.

But this was after. 

Buck stepped forward and away from Eddie’s hand, ignoring how his entire body temperature dropped at least a degree with the loss of contact. He played it off as casual, stretching his arms over his head like he was just restless and in need of movement. 

“Hey, maybe since we’re not working on Thursday, do you think we can convince Bobby to move ‘Pasta Thursday’ to Tuesday?” Buck asked, unable to think of a safer topic than ‘food.’

“Didn’t you used to be carb and fat-free?” Eddie replied with a shake of his head, but moved to follow him.

As they walked, Buck carefully tried to keep his distance so they didn’t bump into each other.

* * *

Buck was well and truly fucked.

There was part of him that had always known his relationship with Eddie was different. It was different from his relationships with his other teammates and friends. At the same time though, it was different from how he’d felt about previous relationships and women in general.

The biggest line he’d always drawn had been sex. Once he realized he wanted to have sex with Eddie, it made him look back at his relationship and the love he had for Eddie in a totally different light. 

But he’d let himself go too far in his fantasies, and he didn’t just mean the ones he’d had while he was touching himself after watching that video of Eddie at the gym. Buck had fallen asleep that night wrapped in the peaceful thoughts of what being with Eddie could mean. He’d let his mind wander, skin prickling in that pleasant way as he imagined what kissing Eddie for the first time would feel like. 

Most dangerous of all, he’d allowed himself to picture what it would be like to wake up next to Eddie every day. The feel of Eddie’s hair between his fingers as Buck pushed it back from Eddie’s forehead. He’d reveled in the simple domesticity of waking up early to make toast and coffee for Eddie, letting Eddie sleep in while he got Christopher ready for school. Dropping Christopher off on their way to work together, sharing a quick kiss in the car as their daily ritual before heading into the station.

It was an extraordinary, beautiful fantasy.

But that’s all it was. A fantasy.

The revelation that being with Eddie would mean not being allowed to work together was the first blow to that fantasy. _Being_ with Eddie would mean not getting to actually be with him most days. The thought of either one of them having to transfer stations was incomprehensible. 

Then before he could even recover from that hit, Eddie had dropped the Ana bombshell. 

Unfortunately, it turned out that Buck’s feelings were Pandora’s box and once they were unleashed upon the world there was no stuffing them back inside. He was only able to shut them down when he had the adrenaline of a call to distract him - and even then it was iffy. 

The problem was that Buck was so fucking into Eddie that it was physically painful. It was a little ridiculous that he hadn’t figured it out sooner. 

Maybe if he _had,_ then it wouldn’t have been too late -

Nope. No. He wasn’t going down that path. 

Eddie had been crystal clear from the beginning. He wasn’t interested in dating guys. Buck couldn’t expect that to change just because apparently _he was_ \- or at least, he was interested in dating Eddie.

But honestly, it was Eddie. Who _wouldn’t_ be interested in dating Eddie? 

Meanwhile Buck was… well nobody wanted to date him. The more people got to know him the _less_ interested they were in dating him. 

And Eddie, who knew him better than anyone, absolutely wouldn’t want to get near his baggage with a ten foot pole. 

He just needed to wait it out. Eventually if he kept shoving his feelings down they would go away. As much as Buck wanted to avoid seeing Ana and Eddie together for as long as possible, it would probably be better for him in the long run if that happened sooner rather than later. Rip the bandaid off quickly, deal with the inevitable pain, and force himself to accept that Eddie had found someone who made him happy.

That’s all he wanted. For Eddie to be happy.

Even if it wasn’t with him.

* * *

It turned out, time moved at an achingly slow pace when you were actively pining for your best friend that you spent almost every day with. 

Still, eventually Thanksgiving was upon them. Which meant a break from Eddie, and from constantly feeling like his insides were being torn apart every time Eddie touched him or stood too close to him or even looked in his direction.

 _Drawn and quartered,_ his mind helpfully supplied.

Waking up on Thursday morning with the knowledge that Buck wouldn’t have to see Eddie that day should have been a relief. And it was. But his feet dragged a little slower down his stairs, and his morning run didn’t perk him up the way it should have. Buck sometimes had mornings like this, where something just felt off and he couldn’t get himself motivated like usual. Typically, those were the mornings where he wasn’t working and knew he wasn’t going to get to see his friends. Today he was going to see basically everyone at Bobby and Athena’s.

Everyone except Eddie.

Buck scowled at his reflection as the thought crossed his mind. 

“Stop being pathetic,” he told himself aloud, spitting his toothpaste out with more force than was necessary. 

Thankfully - _ha_ \- the Grant-Nash’s liked to start their Thanksgiving early so Buck wasn’t left alone to dwell in his patheticness for long before he had to make the trip over to Bobby and Athena’s. 

He picked up Maddie and Chimney on the way in the effort of being conscientious of parking spaces, as well as the environment. Chimney actually came out wielding two pillows that he positioned around Maddie in the backseat, which Maddie loudly objected to initially, but she quickly conked out within five minutes of getting back on the road.

Buck glanced in the rearview mirror at her, endeared but also worried. “Has she been sleeping a lot?” He asked Chimney, voice low.

“She’s been napping a lot during the day, but only because she’s been sort of insomniatic at night.” Chimney told him, twisting his neck around as if to make sure Maddie really was asleep and not just pretending. “Don’t tell her I told you this, but she accidentally fell asleep at work the other day.”

“Is that… normal?” Buck was hesitant to pose the question, because he knew Chimney had been anxious about Maddie’s pregnancy, especially after the whole preeclampsia scare. 

But Chimney looked calm and self-assured as he answered. “Insomnia at the end of pregnancy is pretty common. You know, the hormonal changes plus the baby’s been kicking a lot.”

“I know Maddie’s been having to pee a lot.”

Chimney snorted under his breath. “Yeah that doesn’t help either.”

Buck regarded his friend out of the corner of his eye, surprised at how relaxed Chimney seemed. “So how are you feeling?”

“I don’t have to pee, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“About being a dad.” He clarified, with a good natured eye-roll. “Do you feel ready?”

“Nope.” Chimney replied almost serenely. “I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.”

Buck laughed at that, a little too loudly. He shot a guilty look in the mirror but Maddie didn’t wake up. “You sound so confident though.”

Chimney shrugged. “I went a little crazy trying to over prepare for everything,” He admitted. “Reading up on all these parenting books, I started following all these social media accounts by moms and dads. I ended up stressing myself out even more. But then at the baby shower I talked to Mr. Lee about how I was feeling and he told me he’d felt the same way. And he’s the best father I know, so I figured if _he_ didn’t feel like he was ready before Kevin was born then maybe…” He nodded slightly, eyes clear. “Maybe I’ll be okay.”

“You’re gonna be more than okay, you’ll be great.” Buck assured him. “You already love this kid so much, I know you’d do anything for her.”

“That’s what I keep telling myself.” Chimney agreed, shooting him a knowing look. “At the end of the day, the most important thing is to love her and be there for her. Seems like it should be obvious but, well…”

“... to some people I guess it’s not.” Buck finished.

A moment of understanding passed between them, and not for the first time Buck felt a surge of gratitude toward Chimney. For being someone he could trust so completely with Maddie, without even the slightest bit of reluctance. He might have whined and dragged his feet at how annoying they were together when they first started dating (and even more annoyingly when they were _clearly dating_ but kidding themselves that they were just friends). 

But there had never been a moment when Buck had worried about Chimney hurting Maddie. He’d honestly thought it was more likely that Maddie would break Chimney’s heart, although those concerns were far in the past now. 

Buck pulled into Athena and Bobby’s driveway, turning to Chimney after he put the car in park. He felt like he wanted to say something, since he suddenly wasn’t sure if he’d ever expressed how happy he was that Chimney was becoming an official part of his family. 

As soon as the car lurched into the park position though Maddie jerked in her sleep, her eyes blinking open as she peeled away the piece of hair that had stuck to her cheek. 

“Didn’t we just leave?” She asked in confusion. “How’d we get here so fast?”

“We teleported.” Chimney informed her seriously.

* * *

As soon as Buck walked in the house and finished greeting Athena and Bobby, he was immediately accosted by Hen.

“Buck.” Hen hissed, pulling him to the side hallway, urgency in her voice. “I need you to do me a favor.”

“Anything,” He said automatically, dropping his voice to match hers. 

Or, as low as his voice would go anyway.

“When you see Karen I need you to tell her she looks beautiful.”

Buck cocked his head to the side, confused. “You want me… to hit on your wife? Right in front of you?”

“No! But also yes.” Hen glanced over her shoulder nervously, presumably on the lookout for Karen. “She ran out of contacts and just got new glasses and she hates them but I _really_ like them and I told her that. But she told me ‘Oh you’re my wife, you have to think I’m beautiful, I want everyone to think I’m beautiful.’”

“Ah.” Buck could see where she was going with this. “Don’t worry, I’m your man.”

Hen shot him a warning look. “Just compliment her, don’t make her think you’re trying to _seduce_ her, Buck -”

“You may need another man.” Buck joked back at her, laughing when Hen rolled her eyes in exasperation. “No, no I got this Hen.”

“Alright.” She looked at him dubiously, her expression shifting to a more concerned one that Buck didn’t like. “How’re _you?”_

“I’m great.” He lied through his teeth. “Everything is great.”

The truth was, he’d done a quick scan of the house and even though he _knew_ Eddie and Christopher wouldn’t be there, his stomach had dropped when he’d confirmed that no, they hadn’t ditched their family Thanksgiving to spend it with him.

No, not even with _him,_ god damnit! With the team! The _team,_ Buck!

Hen gave him a pitying look. “If you ever want to talk about it -”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Buck looked around, relaxing a little when he saw that nearly everyone was out at the back patio - there were too many of them to fit at the main table so the food was being staged there while there were a bunch of fold-up tables set up in the back in a long mega-table. “It was just a stupid, temporary thing, and I’m over it.”

Hen raised her eyebrows at him.

“I _will_ get over it.” He amended.

“Have you thought about… talking to Eddie about it?” Hen hedged and when Buck’s mouth flew open in shocked outrage she quickly went on: “I know that sounds like the worst suggestion, but it’s not as stupid as it sounds.”

“No offense, but yeah that sounds stupid.” Buck argued, unable to believe she was even suggesting that. He hadn’t even told Hen that he had feelings for Eddie, much less that he was pretty sure he was in love with Eddie. All she knew was that he’d been thinking about kissing him. But Hen always seemed to read the unspoken a little too well. “Not the least because he _has a girlfriend, Hen!”_

“No,” She refuted. “He’s been ‘kind of dating’ Ana. That’s an entirely different thing. They’re not even official.”

“From Eddie ‘we’re still married’ Diaz, that could be anything.” Buck shot back, not even sure why they were arguing about this. “But it doesn’t matter Hen. He’s not interested in men-” Belatedly he remembered that Hen probably didn’t know Eddie was bi, and tried to change course. “- me. He’s not interested in me. At all. So it really doesn’t make a difference whether or not Ana is his girlfriend.”

“I don’t know…” Hen lowered her voice even more, so she was practically whispering. “Buck, I have to be honest… after we talked, I started to watch you guys a bit more and… I can see it. Not just how you act around him, but the way that Eddie acts around you too.”

Buck’s stomach flipped, the excited fireworks making a reappearance. Someone else - no, not just anyone else, _Hen,_ who had accurately guessed that Bobby and Athena were hooking up while Buck and Chimney laughed it off - Hen had looked at Eddie and seen the same thing that Buck kept dismissing as being all in his head.

So maybe it wasn’t all in his head?

He shook it off. No, no, he’d stupidly let himself get his hopes up and Buck wasn’t going to set himself up for that again. He needed to work on getting over this Eddie thing, not feeding into it.

“Eddie’s just - he’s an affectionate guy.”

Even as Buck said that, he knew it sounded stupid. Yeah, Eddie was affectionate, but it had to be earned. It was only with the people he really cared about… so that didn’t really help his case.

“Uh-huh.” Hen drew out slowly, unconvinced. “You know he was completely freaked out when you were down there with that mountain lion, right? He was so tense, Bobby had to go up to him and put a hand on his shoulder - maybe partially because he thought Eddie might throw himself back down there.”

The fireworks were going off behind Buck’s ears now, sounding off like canons as his heart beat so loudly he could barely hear anything else. God - thinking about Eddie staring over the edge, body wound tight and ready to spring into action, dark eyes intense with worry - it was too much. He’d seen Eddie like that only a few times but it was easy to picture clearly, easy to revel in the reminder of what it felt like to be on the receiving end of it -

“He wasn’t even there when I came back up.” Buck reminded Hen, grounding himself back to reality. No, Eddie hadn’t freaked out any more than he would over any of his other teammates.

 _Yeah,_ a sly voice added. _Just like you would’ve madly clawed at the mud screaming the name of any of your other teammates if they got buried in the dirt. Nothing significant about that._

“I did notice that he disappeared quickly.” Hen agreed. “A little too quickly, if you ask me. Maybe he was worried he’d do something stupid, like yell at you.”

 _Or kiss you._ The voice added its two cents.

“Hen, I appreciate it, I really do, but I’m not going to talk to Eddie.” Buck insisted, quiet but firm. He was already tangled up enough, and everything Hen was saying just added to his confusion. 

“I’m not saying you have to talk to him right away. But I think you’ll regret it if you wait too long.”

“Thank you, really. I just can’t let myself go there. Probably not ever.”

Wanting this conversation to be over, Buck turned back to the end of the hallway and saw Karen enter through the back door, looking around (probably for Hen).

Breaking out into a wide grin, he bounced across the living room space and greeted Karen. “Oh, whoa! Karen I almost didn’t recognize you.”

Somewhere over his shoulder, he heard the light _smack_ of Hen hitting her forehead with her hand.

“Um…” Karen blinked at him, behind a pair of circular tortoiseshell glasses that Buck had to admit did look really great on her. “Sorry?”

“No, you look amazing! Are those new glasses?”

“Oh.” A little smile crept on her face. “Yes they are. Thank you for noticing.”

“Well you look great. Hen, doesn’t she look great?” He asked as Hen approached the pair of them.

 _“I_ think so.” Hen wrapped an arm around Karen’s shoulders and kissed her temple. 

Karen looked between them with amused suspicion. “Well thank you Buck for that completely unprompted and _unscripted_ compliment.” But in spite of her words she did seem to stand up a little straighter - Buck suspected that she’d been getting showered with compliments about her glasses since arriving. 

Bobby emerged from the kitchen, wielding an enormous turkey proudly like it was a prize-winning bird at the county fair. “The turkey is ready!” He announced in a booming voice, to a chorus of cheers from both inside and outside the house. “Alright everyone let’s eat!”

* * *

Buck wasn’t sure how three such fantastic chefs as Athena, Bobby, and Michael had all ended up in the same co-parenting triangle. The odds that all three of them would be nearly gourmet-level were minimal at best. But serendipity had brought them together, which meant that the three of them collaborating on Thanksgiving dinner was the most amazing feast any of them had ever eaten.

He was enthusiastically digging into his mashed potatoes when he noticed Maddie wincing across from him. Michael and Bobby had dragged out one of the cozy living room chairs for her and stacked it with pillows but she still looked uncomfortable, shifting her position every few seconds like she just couldn’t find the right one.

“You good?” Buck asked, wondering if she should even be there right now.

“Yeah - no.” She admitted, shifting again and flinching. “The baby’s just - she won’t stop kicking.”

“Maybe she can smell the food.” Chimney joked, but his attention was now fully on his girlfriend. “Do you need to lie down?”

“No, no, I’ll be fine.” Maddie insisted stubbornly.

From a few chairs down, May chimed in: “Maddie, if you need a bed I haven’t used mine in a few weeks since the last time I stayed over.”

Now Athena’s attention had been caught. “Yes, Maddie, why don’t you lie down for a minute? Trust me, taking it easy is the best thing you can do for yourself right now.”

Surrounded on all sides by concerned friends, Maddie relented. “Alright fine, maybe lying down for a few minutes would be good.” She conceded, sounding a bit relieved.

They got her set up in May’s old room, with a tray of food next to her in case she wanted to eat something. But of course, as soon as Maddie was on the bed, she immediately fell back asleep. Chimney opted to stay behind with her, and Buck left them, thinking that it would only be for maybe fifteen minutes.

Forty minutes later, Athena had brought out her pie and Buck was beginning to feel guilty that Chimney had missed out on the entire meal. So he grabbed two slices and meandered back to May’s room, where Maddie was still asleep and Chimney was playing a game on his phone.

Chimney looked up and his eyes brightened at the sight of the pie. “Please tell me one of those is for me?”

“Nope, they’re for me and Maddie.” Chimney’s eyes narrowed and Buck nodded toward the door. “C’mon, go back out there. I can stay with Maddie for a bit.”

“But-”

“I think I remember you saying something about Athena’s pumpkin pie being iconic?” Buck nodded at the door again. “Go take a break Chim. I got it.”

Chimney sighed dramatically and hung his head, but there was a slight smile peaking out. “I know better than to sit here all day arguing with you,” He said wryly as he vacated the chair and gestured for Buck to sit down.

“That’s the spirit!”

Maybe ten minutes later, Maddie woke up. “Where’s Chim?”

“Sent him back outside.” Buck answered without looking up from his phone. 

“So… you excited about tonight?”

“Tonight?” Buck echoed, not really paying attention. He was so close to finishing this level, just needed to stay alive a little bit longer to clear it-

“About going over to Mom and Dad’s.”

Oh shit.

Buck’s little avatar was eaten by a pixelated gremlin.

“I forgot about that.” Buck admitted.

Maddie’s eyebrows nearly cleared her forehead. “You… _forgot?”_ She demanded. “Buck - _HOW?_ It was your idea!”

“I know, I’ve just been kind of busy with other stuff.” He checked the time on his phone as he exited out of the game. Fuck, they’d have to leave in like an hour. 

“What other stuff?”

Buck froze, trapped. 

He had no intention of telling Maddie about the Eddie situation. The more people that he told, the more _real_ it became. And Maddie would be even less shy about meddling in his personal life than Hen was. There was really no good reason to tell her.

Except… he could really use her advice. He’d been asking Maddie for relationship help since he was eleven battling his first major crush. Going to her was more of an instinct than an actual decision.

“I’ve been sort of trying to figure out if I have feelings for someone.” He confessed, cringing at how middle school that sounded.

Maddie’s face lit up. “Oh!” She exclaimed. “Oh, who? Wait, is it that girl you’ve been seeing that I’m not allowed to meet yet?”

Buck’s mind drew a blank for several seconds until he remembered that conversation weeks ago where Maddie had caught him getting ready for Jess to come over. 

Fuck. He hadn’t thought about Jess much recently but her words now ricocheted like bullets in his brain:

_...seemed like you were only interested in the sex part of the equation..._

_...just seemed like that type of guy..._

“No.” Buck said vehemently. “No that was never going anywhere.”

Not that he’d even wanted it to! But she hadn’t even wanted to be friends with him and that stung almost as badly as if she’d turned him down romantically.

Like, shit: if the people he slept with didn’t even want to be friends with him, how could he expect any of them to love him?

“Okay,” Maddie looked perplexed as she re-positioned herself, face twisting in discomfort. “Then who?”

Buck opened his mouth, trying to decide if he should just continue to be vague about it or just tell Maddie the full situation.

“Oh shit.” Maddie suddenly yelped, snapping his attention toward her. “Oh - oh shit.”

“What?!” Buck jumped up in his chair. “Is something wrong? Is it the baby?”

“Hold on - lemme just - ” Maddie moved the covers up and peaked under them, patting her hands around. “Okay. Okay.”

“Maddie what’s going on?”

“So either I peed the bed… or my water just broke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs: 
> 
> Honestly not much of anything this chapter. Just some pregnancy issues.
> 
> General note:  
> I said I was going to be posting faster, then I got sick and didn't write for like a week. You know what they say about making plans.


	15. A family holiday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It’s going to be a long one. We kind of knew that going in though, the baby’s apparently got a big head.”
> 
> “Ew.” Albert said, causing everyone to snort “What, I’m not a paramedic!” He defended. “I’m not used to all this stuff - I’ve never seen a baby being born!”
> 
> “Honestly, it’s kind of amazing.” Buck told him.
> 
> “And horrifying.” Hen shook her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mind the TWs at the end. But also everyone reading the first section please remember that fifteen year olds in the immediate aftermath of a traumatic event are not the most reliable narrators and any negative self-talk should absolutely be taken with a grain of salt.

_ “I think we’re in really good shape here.” _

_ Evan stared blankly at Laurel, wondering if he’d missed something critical.  _

_ It was possible - he hadn’t been paying as close of attention as he probably should have. His parents were just there for the formality of it all, already well informed since they were handling all the legal aspects of his case with Laurel, while Maddie was not so subtly asked if she could grab an early lunch in the cafeteria.  _

_ (Evan had tried to protest since Maddie’s presence was the only thing that had been keeping him sane this past week, but Rachel insisted that “it was better for her this way"). _

_ The whole point of this was to keep Evan in the loop. But the painkillers kept forcing his eyes shut and making him drift off, even though Evan spent most of his time in the hospital sleeping. Focusing was already not the easiest thing for him, and being drugged was not helping the situation. _

_ Still, he’d put in his best effort because this was important.  _

_ “I’m - I’m not sure I’m following,” He admitted, trying to shut out the loud sigh from his mother on the other side of him. At least there was no reaction from his dad, who was working on his laptop in the corner and not even pretending to pay attention. “You’re saying that if he does plead guilty, then he could only get like a couple years?” _

_ “And he’d have to pay a substantial amount of money in damages.” Laurel quickly added, like that was supposed to be any assurance at all. _

_ What the fuck difference was  _ money  _ supposed to make? Like sure that would help his parents out to get the hospital bill covered, but Evan didn’t care about the money. _

_ All he wanted was for Benji to be gone. Locked safely away so that he could never come near him again.  _

_ It must have been written on his face, because Laurel’s voice turned more soothing. _

_ “Evan, even if he only has to pay a fine and gets a few years, I promise you he won’t come near you.” Laurel assured him. “He’d be on parole and even attempting to contact you would be a violation of that. And that would all be contingent on him going through anger management and substance abuse programs, aimed at rehabilitation.” _

_ Rehabilitation. _

Rehabilitation?!

_ His throat burned and tightened. He could feel the scratch of the carpet against his toes as he frantically tried to find purchase, to push up against it so that his entire body weight wouldn’t be pulling down on his neck.  _

_ Could see that terrifying blank look in Benji’s eyes as his hands squeezed tighter. _

_ Evan took a deep breath and forced himself to count his fingers the way that the nurses had taught him to. He couldn’t lose it again because then they’d stop talking to him about this stuff and he’d blink and the case would be over and Benji would be back home before Evan even finished high school. _

_ And Benji - he was smart. He’d play the game and accept the anger management treatment and it wouldn’t do jack shit because that wasn’t the problem. He didn’t have  _ anger issues.

_ He was just a fucking monster. _

_ But Evan didn’t know how to explain that. Couldn’t tell Laurel how he knew for damn sure that Benji nearly killing him had been a  _ decision,  _ not a moment of blind rage. The opportunity to tell them what happened two years ago had come and gone, and it was all his fault. _

_ It was Maddie - brilliant, perceptive Maddie - who figured it out. She pointed out how weird he had been around Benji last Thanksgiving, and Rachel pieced together that he’d been avoiding going over there the last few years, with even Thomas adding in that he’d thought it was odd how reluctant Evan was to stay at Jenny and Benji's house. _

Oh,  _ he’d wanted to scream at them, Now _ you notice?

_ He should’ve just told them everything right then. He'd planned to.  _

_ But everyone had been telling him how brave and strong he was, his hospital room filled with get well soon cards from everyone he knew.  _

_ “You’re a fighter,” They all kept saying, even the nurses when they changed the bandages on his damaged hands. “You fought back.” _

_ How would they react if he admitted what he’d let Benji do to him - and how he hadn't done anything to stop it? _

_ So he lied. He told them that Benji had gotten drunk and hit him the last time he stayed over there.  _

_ Telling them anything else had felt impossible. _

_ “Evan,” His mom was saying now and he squeezed his eyes shut, unable to look at her. She’d been such a wreck ever since she’d rushed into his hospital room. It had barely been a week but Evan swore she had already lost fifteen pounds just from stress. He could tell she’d barely been sleeping or eating and every time she talked to him she sounded like she was seconds away from bursting into tears. “It’s going to be okay. We won’t let him near you. And hopefully he’ll get the help he needs so he doesn’t hurt anyone again.” _

_ Oh god, what if he hurt someone else? He hadn’t even considered that. _

_ Benji would just be walking around and nobody would know. Nobody would know how sick he was, what he was really capable of. He’d get to go back to his normal life and maybe everyone would watch him closely around kids for awhile, but he’d convince them that he was better and eventually he’d be left alone with some other kid and - _

_ “Mom… can you leave?” Evan asked, feeling like he was watching himself say the words from outside his body.  _

_ He couldn’t think about it. If he thought about it he wouldn’t do it.  _

_ “What?” Rachel’s hand tightened uncomfortable on his shoulder. “Evan don’t be silly-” _

_ “I need to say something but I can’t say it if you’re here.” _

_ She was a powder keg of emotions and just the idea of setting her off terrified him.  _

_ “But-” _

_ “Rachel, it’s okay.” Laurel stepped around the bed and gently tugged on her arm. “Why don’t you go get some coffee, I’m sure it’ll only be a minute.” _

_ She led Rachel away, who went with great reluctance until Laurel whispered something to her that Evan couldn’t quite catch. Then Rachel left the room, stopping only to shoot Evan a betrayed look on the way out. _

_ “Alright Evan it’s just us.” Laurel’s voice was calm, but Evan was sure she had to be on high-alert now. Even his dad was actually looking up from his laptop. “Take your time, say whatever you need to say.” _

_ Evan turned to face only Laurel so that he didn’t have to look at his dad. “What if…” He swallowed, throat still hoarse and scratchy. “What if it wasn’t just the physical assault?” _

_ Laurel went still. _

_ “What does that mean?” He heard his dad ask sharply from the corner, and Buck tried to block him out. His dad wasn’t there. It was just him and the lawyer.  _

_ “What if it was sexual?” The words sounded alien to his own ears.  _

_ Something clattered on the floor loudly. It might have been his dad’s computer. _

_ “Evan…” Laurel’s voice was calm but her knuckles were white where she was clutching her portfolio very, very tightly. “I need you to be clear with me. Did your uncle sexually assault you?” _

_ “Yes.” Someone else was talking through his mouth.  _

_ “Okay. When?” _

_ “Two summers ago.” _

_ “Was that when he hit you?” _

_ “No.” He felt his throat was closing up, tight and panicked. “No, sorry. He didn’t hit me. I’m sorry, I lied.” _

_ “Why would you lie about that?” His dad was asking, sounding angrier than Evan had ever heard him and he squeezed his eyes shut so that he didn’t have to look at him, so he didn’t have to look at anyone. _

_ “I’m sorry.” He whimpered, feeling like a little kid. “I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t - I didn’t know how to - sorry. I’m sorry.” _

_ “You’ve got to be fucking shitting me. That motherfucking piece of shit -” _

_ “Thomas!” Evan could hear Laurel berating his dad, but it sounded like it was at the other end of a long tunnel. “That’s enough, you’re not helping anything-” _

_ “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” Evan chanted, stuck in some sort of loop that he didn’t know how to break out of. Maybe if he said it enough his dad wouldn’t be angry with him, wouldn’t blame him.  _

_ “What kind of a sick asshole-” _

_ “Thomas, I’m sorry but you need to leave!” _

_ Eventually his dad’s words faded away, but Evan couldn’t stop. _

_ “Sorry… oh god I’m so sorry…” He repeated, unable to see anything beyond the knees that were tucked to his chest. _

_ “Evan?” Someone whispered. “Evan, I’m here. It’s okay Evan, I’m here.” _

_ His eyes refocused and he saw Maddie standing next to him, shaking fingers hovering near him, not quite touching. Her eyes were red with tears and she broke into a watery smile when he looked at her. He hadn't seen her come in, didn't remember asking for her, but he must've or Laurel must have known to get her.  _

_ “See, it’s okay, I’m here. Everything’s okay.” _

_ She put a tentative hand on his shoulder.  _

_ The dam that had built up for over two years burst. _

_ “Oh god -” Evan buried himself in her arms, sobbing. “Maddie - I’m scared -” He hiccuped, feeling like he was five, not fifteen. He felt so small and weak, shaking against his big sister as he felt the full horror of not just what had happened to him, but what was  _ going  _ to happen now that he’d told the truth. _

_ “It’s okay.” Maddie repeated, rubbing his back soothingly. “You’re okay.” _

_ She was smaller than him now but her embrace still felt as fierce and protective as he had when he was a little kid sneaking into her room after a nightmare. She was the only person who’d ever made him feel safe and loved. _

_ “Don’t leave me.” He begged, unable to cope with the idea of her going back to Hershey, leaving him to deal with the fallout of what he’d just done by himself.  _

_ “I won’t,” Maddie promised, squeezing him tightly. “I promise you, I won’t ever leave you.” _

* * *

When Buck was in third grade, his teacher had them write a short composition about their personal hero.

Most of the other kids wrote about one of their parents, usually their mom.

Buck wrote about Maddie.

_ Maddie’s the best because she always takes me to get ice cream (shhhh it’s a secret!) and she helps me with my homework and she gives the world’s best hugs!  _ He’d transcribed in messy, loopy third-grade cursive, accompanied with stick-figured renditions of a taller brown-haired blob clutching a smaller blond-haired blob.

He hadn’t been counting on the fact that those compositions had been hanging on the wall of his homeroom for parent night - one of the only parent nights his mom ever went to, he was pretty sure. But he remembered clearly how upset his mom was when she got home, though he didn’t put the pieces together until she sat him and Maddie down and lectured them about spoiling their dinner with ice cream.

At the time, he thought it was just about the ice cream. In retrospect, it was obviously more.

As Buck got older, things changed. Eventually he was taller than Maddie, then big enough that he could pick her up with increasingly little difficulty. With that came this growing instinct that it was now  _ his  _ job to protect her.  But that wasn’t always easy, especially with their age difference. 

And  _ especially  _ when it came to Doug.

The longer Buck knew Doug, the less he liked him. After Maddie and Doug got married, he started to get genuinely worried - even from a distance he could tell that Maddie was changing. But the more he tried to talk to Maddie about it the more she pulled away, until eventually she just stopped accepting his calls altogether.

When Maddie ran away from Doug, ran away  _ to  _ Buck, it felt like finally it was his turn to protect her. His chance to keep her safe from anyone who would hurt her. 

Which of course he’d fucked up. He hadn’t even saved her - Maddie had saved herself from Doug. And as glad as Buck was that Maddie was strong and smart enough to protect herself, he would always feel guilty that she’d needed to.

This time there was literally nothing he could do except wait.

Buck squirmed in the uncomfortable waiting room chair, trying not to let his nerves get to him (and trying not to dwell on the  _ last  _ time he’d waited for Maddie at the hospital). There were no signs of complications with the labor so far, but just the fact that Maddie was in her late thirties was enough to make it a higher-risk pregnancy. Couple that with the preeclampsia scare she’d had and… yeah, Buck was worried.

“Stop worrying.” Karen told him, as if reading his mind. Not that she had to - he was sure it was written all over his face. “Women have been giving birth since the dawn of time.”

“Well, since the dawn of humanity.” Hen pointed out.

“Yeah that.” Karen patted his arm. “Maddie is strong and healthy, she’ll be fine.”

"I know." Buck muttered, trying and failing to stop the slew of _what ifs_ running through his head. He should've listened to Maddie when she told him to stop researching childbirth complications earlier in her pregnancy.

“.... no, I know I took the time off for two weeks from now, but dude babies don’t stick to the schedule!” Albert was saying into the phone, gesturing wildly with his free hand. “Well - if you could just find someone to cover… yes I know it’s Thanksgiving, why does that matter… Randy, please stop laughing…”

“Gimme that.” Karen stretched out her hand toward Albert, gesturing at the phone. “I’ll talk to your boss for you.”

Albert, who had been with them long enough to know better than argue with Karen, handed over the phone.

“Hi,  _ Randy?”  _ Karen turned on her project manager voice, standing up and walking away from them. “I’m a family friend of Albert’s.  _ Listen…” _

Her voice trailed off as she left sight, and Hen turned to Albert with satisfaction. “I don’t think you’ll need to worry about going into work tonight. God, who even has to work on Thanksgiving?”

“Bartenders,” Albert and Buck said simultaneously. Albert stretched out his hand for a low-five, which Buck granted him, albeit lacking his typical enthusiasm. 

His ears caught the sound of heels clacking against linoleum and somehow knew it was his mother before her arrival was upon them.

“Where is she?” Rachel burst into the waiting room dramatically, Thomas on her heels like an obedient german shepherd. “Don’t tell me we’re too late-”

“Her contractions had barely started when we got here, I don’t think it’s going to be anytime soon.” Hen assured her. 

“She said you should ask the nurse for her room number when you got here, Mom.” Buck added, and Rachel’s gaze snapped to him, glimmering with hope. “Said she wanted you in there with her.”

“Oh.” Rachel’s face flickered with something that looked like a mix between joy and utter relief, before she straightened in determination. “I guess I’d better get in there then!”

She gave Thomas a kiss on the cheek and turned back around, leaving him standing in the doorway to stare at them. 

Hen’s phone chime broke the silence. “Athena and Bobby are just starting to get things wrapped up at their house.” She told Albert and Buck as she read the incoming messages from Athena. “They’re going to have May stay behind to watch Harry and Denny, since we’ll probably be here pretty late.”

“Yeah, about that.” Everyone’s head jerked to the doorway where Chimney was now standing. Thomas moved out of the way to take a seat in the corner, away from all of them. “The doctor is saying it probably won’t be until tomorrow morning at the earliest. So you guys definitely don’t have to stay here the whole time, you might just want to come back in the morning.”

“How’s Maddie doing?” Buck asked, feeling some of the tension leave his body as he noticed that Chimney didn’t appear to be panicking.

“She’s great.” Chimney said with a laugh. “They’ve got her on the good stuff - she keeps telling  _ me  _ to relax. And the doctor says everything’s looking great, it’s just going to be a long one. We kind of knew that going in though, the baby’s apparently got a big head.”

“Ew.” Albert said, causing everyone to snort “What, I’m not a paramedic!” He defended. “I’m not used to all this stuff - I’ve never seen a baby being born!”

“Honestly, it’s kind of amazing.” Buck told him.

“And horrifying.” Hen shook her head. Chimney and Buck turned to her in disbelief. “Oh, don’t look at me like that. Seeing a vagina torn apart kind of hits different for me than you two.”

Buck winced. He hadn’t had to see it quite that up close and personal yet, and he didn’t like the mental image Hen was putting in his head.

“And on that note, I’ve got to get back to my duties.” Chimney said, pulling a face. 

Like a revolving door of visitors, no sooner had Chimney left than Karen took his place, striding through the doorway and handing a bewildered Albert his phone back.

“You’ve got the night off.” She informed him victoriously. “Also, I found some stragglers in the hallway.” 

Buck frowned. “Stragglers? Are Bobby and Athena here yet -”

But then he couldn’t form words anymore thanks to his heart skipping several beats at the sight of Christopher and Eddie entering the waiting room behind Karen. 

“Hey buddy!” Buck greeted Christopher with a grin, casting a bewildered glance at Eddie over Chris’s head and trying to drown out the trumpets going off in his head celebrating the arrival of his favorite boys. “What are you doing here?”

“Maddie’s having a baby.” Christopher told him, the  _ “duh”  _ left unspoken at the end of the sentence.

“Oh yeah I know that kiddo, but it’s gonna be awhile before she’s born.” Buck pointed out. “The doctors are saying probably not until morning or even tomorrow afternoon.”

“That’s okay.” Christopher replied easily. “Dad said you would be worried so we decided to come here and keep you company!”

Oh shit. Oh fuck, he was going to cry. 

“Did you?” He asked weakly, turning his attention to Eddie now. 

Eddie shrugged like it was nothing. “We can’t stay the whole time, but I figured we could at least distract you until you were too tired to be freaking out so -”

Before he could overthink it, Buck stepped forward and pulled Eddie into a hug.

“Thank you.” He mumbled into Eddie’s neck, his anxiety washing away as he felt Eddie smile against his cheek, his arm coming up to squeeze Buck’s shoulders. It was the first time they’d embraced since Buck had realized exactly what Eddie meant to him - and it was frightening how normal it felt. Hugging Eddie gave him a sense of contentment and  _ family  _ strong enough to nearly bowl him over, but it was so familiar… he couldn’t remember a time when hugging Eddie  _ hadn’t  _ felt like that.

It made him wonder how long he’d probably been in love with Eddie without realizing it.

Buck let it linger a little longer than their usual back slapping bro hugs but he knew better than to push his luck. So he stepped away sooner than he wanted, turning his attention to Christopher once more.

“Plus now we get to see you on Thanksgiving!” Christopher said excitedly, like he just  _ knew  _ Buck was on the verge of tears and wanted to push him over the edge. “It’s a real family holiday now.” 

Well now that just wasn’t fair.

Buck hugged Christopher, not caring that they were making a bit of a scene, or how this probably looked to his dad. “You’re right, it  _ is  _ a real family holiday now that you guys are here.” He agreed, his throat thick as his eyes watered. 

He just… holy shit he  _ loved  _ this kid so much. It was nearly impossible to separate that from the way that he loved Eddie, since the roots both of them had put down in Buck’s heart had been intertwined since the beginning.

But he liked to think that in some parallel universe, where he maybe didn’t know Eddie, or even where Christopher was somehow someone else’s son (because he couldn’t imagine a universe where Eddie didn't mean the world to him), that Buck would still love him. 

His love for Christopher might have been mixed up with his feelings for Eddie, but it wasn’t contingent on them.

Buck sniffed suddenly, catching whiff of something. “Is that… cinnamon I smell?” He asked, just now noticing that Eddie had set down a plastic bag on one of the waiting room chairs.

“We brought pie.” Christopher announced to the room, earning cheers and whoops from the rest of the room. Buck jumped a little - he had honestly forgotten they were there.

“Oh wow, what kind of pie?” Hen asked eagerly, leaning forward in her chair. 

“Apple pie.” Eddie said, reaching into the bag to start pulling out plates and forks. “There’s enough for everybody, so dig in.”

Hen didn’t need to be told twice, propelling herself across the room. Buck’s mouth watered as he took in the sight of it - he was still mourning missing out on Athena’s pumpkin pie - but hesitated before he took a slice.

“Did you smuggle this out of your family Thanksgiving?” He asked Eddie.

“There’s always so much food at these things, my abuela is shoving tupperware containers into people’s hands on the way out the door.” Eddie insisted. “Trust me, this pie will not be missed.”

“You say that now, but then the next time I go over to Aunt Peppa’s house I’ll find out there’s a bounty on my head for Grand Theft Larceny.”

A small grin tugged on the corners of Eddie’s mouth and Buck had a premonition of what was about to happen.

“Don’t you mean-”

_ “Don’t.”  _ Buck begged him.

“- Grand Theft  _ Pastry?”  _

Buck groaned. “You’re such a dork.” 

“Only for you.” Eddie told him with a  _ wink,  _ handing Buck his slice before settling down next to Christopher, and jesus fucking christ if Buck didn’t know better he’d think Eddie was flirting.

He wasn’t going to dwell on that right now. Or the look that Eddie shot over at Thomas, who had pulled out a book and was now studiously ignoring all of them. A look that almost felt… protective? Even though Buck couldn’t remember actually telling Eddie that his dad was the reason he’d gone into a spiral after the baby shower, somehow it was like Eddie just  _ knew.  _ Just like he knew that Buck would be tying himself into knots worrying about Maddie and came here to distract him.

_ God I love you,  _ Buck thought, giving Eddie a soft smile as he sat down next to Christopher, before jokingly pretending to steal some of Chris’s pie.  Christopher yanked his plate away with a squeal, and Eddie dived in from the other side, sneaking in a quick kiss to his son’s cheek while he was distracted.

_ I just… I really fucking love you. _

* * *

Buck jerked awake with a grunt as his head lolled a little too far, startling him into consciousness. They really needed to start designing these waiting rooms with overnight guests in mind, he thought grumpily as he adjusted his eyes to the bright surroundings. The room was currently empty and it left him wondering where his dad and Albert had run off to. 

The rest of the crew had stayed as late as they could last night. Bobby and Athena had joined them around eight o’clock after they sent the rest of their guests on the way and left May behind to watch Harry and Denny. They’d stayed for a few hours longer, swapping stories about pregnancy and labour (only the fun ones - they’d all had enough of horror stories and the point was to distract themselves from that fear). 

Things had gotten really heated when Buck started regaling them about his and Bobby’s call in the yoga studio.

“So, the first thing you gotta know is that it was a full moon,” He had begun, and Bobby had immediately cut him off.

“No.” He protested, over Hen’s giggles - she knew this story by heart. “The full moon is not relevant at all-”

“It’s  _ totally  _ relevant, because the barometric pressure-”

“That has not been scientifically proven, Buck-”

“It has, I looked it up!” Buck insisted, hoping that Bobby didn’t insist he credit his sources - Bobby probably didn’t consider bellybelly.com as a ‘scientific peer-reviewed bla-bla publication.’ “It’s called the lunar effect.  _ Anyway,  _ it was a full moon and we got a call for a slipped disk at this, like, yoga class for super pregnant ladies. And one of them starts going into labor right in front of us!”

“I mean, it’s a class full of late-term pregnancies.” Eddie pointed out. He’d never heard the story before. “That’s a bit of a coincidence, but not totally crazy…”

“Just you wait.” Hen told him with a grin.

“So at first we think it’s braxton hicks, false labor y’know? No big deal Bobby’s getting her water, just business as usual.” Buck fought back a grin. “So of course then… an entirely _different_ woman goes into labor, right then and there.”

“No!” Karen exclaimed, pushing her glasses up her nose, captivated.

“Yup!” Buck was fully grinning now, knowing that he had the room in the palm of his hand, while Bobby just kept shaking his head.  _ “Splat!  _ Her water broke all over the yoga mat.”

Christopher, who was curled up into Eddie’s side half asleep, lifted up his head enough to announce:  _ “EW!” _

“It was very ew.” Agreed Buck. “So anyway I go over there and I start talking her down and tell her the ambulance is on the way and she goes ‘Oh no this is my fourth kid it’s coming  _ now.'” _

Athena barked with laughter, and Bobby shot her an incredulous look. “You’re acting like you haven’t heard this story a million times before.”

“I’m sorry sweetheart, it’s more entertaining when Buck tells it.” Athena laughed at him good-naturedly, squeezing Bobby’s hand. “You never get this into it. You usually just say ‘one time I had three women go into labor within the span of ten minutes on a call.’”

“Athena!” Buck protested, while Eddie mouthed  _ ‘three?’  _ incredulously at Hen. “Spoilers!”

As he’d been winding down the tale, Christopher had drifted off to sleep, not even reacting when he added on the story of the tapeworm for good measure ( mostly just to see Bobby squirm when he held out his arms as wide as they could go to demonstrate its length).  So Eddie had to call it a night and carried Christopher home, giving Buck a careful hug goodbye as they both were mindful not to wake the sleeping boy. Eddie was then followed by Hen and Karen, who needed to go pick Denny up. Bobby and Athena held out the longest, but eventually called it quits around one in the morning, leaving just Buck, Albert, and Thomas to spend the night in the waiting room.

Buck checked his phone, noting that someone - probably his mom - had found a hospital blanket to throw over him the last time he was sleeping. It was just barely seven AM, so maybe his dad and Albert were off getting breakfast. For some reason, the thought of excitable, talkative Albert and his recalcitrant father sitting across from each other in the hospital cafeteria eating cereal together made him snort.

He rubbed a hand over his face, trying to trick himself into being awake. What he really needed was to drag himself over to the nearest little cafe stand and get himself some -

Someone pressed something warm and coffee cup-shaped into his free hand.

Buck’s hand closed around it reflexively, like a toddler grabbing onto a toy, with an appreciative groan. “Oh god thank you-” He started to say, half expecting it to be Eddie stopping by before his shift that morning as promised.

Instead his voice trailed off as he looked up and saw his father hovering over him, coffee outstretched almost like a peace offering.

For a split second Buck considered refusing the coffee on principle.

But… it was warm and he was exhausted and there was this flicker of uncertainty in Thomas’s eyes that ate away at his conscience. So Buck accepted it and took a sip, eyes closing briefly with pleasure. 

Then they popped open in surprise. “It’s  _ sweet.”  _ He exclaimed, unable to contain his shock.

“You drink yours with sugar, right?” Thomas asked, taking the seat one over from his, leaving a chair between them as a buffer. 

“Yeah, but -” Both his parents typically drank theirs black and they always conveniently forget that he liked his with sugar. Or at least they had when he started drinking coffee back in high school - a holdover, Buck was sure, from when they were convinced his hyperactivity as a kid was caused by sugar and candy. “Nevermind. Thank you.”

They settled into an awkward silence. 

Buck kept throwing furtive glances over at his dad, wondering if he was about to bring up the elephant in the room - god he really  _ hoped  _ not. There were a lot of things Buck knew he needed to say to his dad, if they ever wanted to have hope of salvaging some sort of relationship.

Honestly - even if they didn’t, Buck still needed to say them for himself.

But today wasn’t the day. Not when Maddie was in labor and neither of them had gotten more than thirty minutes of restless sleep all night. Buck was exhausted just  _ thinking _ about everything they needed to hash out.

He had his mouth partially open, about to preemptively shut down any attempt to talk about  _ it,  _ when Thomas spoke.

“You know everyone always says the first labor is the most difficult, but Maddie’s really wasn’t that bad.”

Buck’s brain was so convinced that he was going to say something else, it took him several moments to actually process what his dad had said.

“Um - what?” He asked intelligently, not really understanding. “Her labor isn’t done yet and it’s been like fourteen hours.”

“When Rachel was giving birth to Maddie.” Thomas explained. “It was maybe five hours total. Even your mother said that it was easier than expected. Then when she was pregnant with you everyone kept saying that the second one was always easier.”

Buck had heard this part before. “Wasn’t it like twenty hours or something like that?” He asked, not really sure what his dad was getting at.

“Twenty-two. The nurse said your head looked like a melon.” Thomas said in a matter-a-fact tone.

He wasn’t sure if it was just because he was tired or because his dad’s flat delivery on that was so unintentionally hilarious, but Buck snorted out a laugh. “She didn’t actually say that.”

“She did.” His dad insisted. “She didn’t have the best bedside manner.”

Buck chuckled softly. “I guess it makes sense.” He commented, pausing to take a long gulp of coffee and tilting his head back, willing the life to come back to his body. When he was done, his dad was looking at him quizzically so he elaborated: “Maddie’s always been the easy kid.”

To his surprise, Thomas shook his head. “No. Maddie was  _ not  _ an easy baby. She had jaundice and she’d cry through the entire night, even after the jaundice went away. She’d cry and fuss about everything, but especially me.”

He couldn’t have heard that right. “What do you mean?”

“Maddie didn’t like me.” His dad said, and he sounded almost hurt? It was subtle, but there was this ghost of an old pain in his voice. “She’d cry every time I held her, when I tried to feed her. I couldn’t do anything right with her.”

Oh. Buck felt like he was still dreaming. He couldn’t remember his father  _ ever  _ telling him something this personal. 

But he was actually starting to wake up a bit more so he definitely couldn’t be dreaming and with alertness came… annoyance. Was that really the excuse his dad was going with? He felt rejected because Maddie cried when she was a baby so she was a shitty father? 

Before he could gather his thoughts enough to express them, Thomas went on. “I didn’t have that problem with you.” He said, continuing to surprise Buck. “You were always smiling at me, and as soon as you were big enough to ask to be picked up you were always reaching for me. Your first word was ‘Dada.' Rachel was miffed, of course- she was used to being the favorite with Maddie.”

Buck hadn’t known that. He was pretty sure he asked his mom what his first word was and she claimed she didn’t remember. 

“Everything just came naturally with you. But maybe you were just an easy baby. You never cried or fussed. I could bring you into my lectures with me and you’d just lay there, completely content. You were just a happy, calm baby.”

“Uh…” Buck felt completely thrown off course. The picture his dad was painting was like some alternate universe - or just some other kid and his dad. 

Because  _ his _ dad didn’t hold him or take him places.  _ His  _ dad was either snapping at him for not doing his homework or asking him to be quiet and calm down… or just straight up ignoring him.

“Lemme guess,” Buck said lightly, but with a tight edge. “But then I started walking and talking and being annoying?”

Thomas let out a long sigh, his face twisted like he was steeling himself to say something that was difficult for him. “I should have had more patience.” He admitted.

_ You should’ve had more of a lot of things _ , Buck wanted to reply, but the sound of footsteps stops him. He turns to see Chimney standing in the doorway once more, looking exhausted but beaming.

“She’s here.” He told them, eyes shining. “She’s here and she’s perfect.”

* * *

Gwyneth Kyong Han was eight pounds and two ounces of pure perfection.

She had a full head of spiky black hair which Buck took to mean that she’d take after Chimney but Maddie was quick to remind him that he’d had black hair when he was a baby too, it just all fell out a week later.

“So Gwyneth.” Buck asked them as he cradled his niece delicately, rocking back and forth in the visitor’s chair. “Is that as in like… Gwyneth Paltrow?”

He had to admit to being a little confused on the name choice. He knew that Kyong was Chimney’s mom’s name so that made sense, but Gwyneth seemed a little stuffy for the tiny nugget that was snuggled into his arm.

Also, he’d heard Maddie go on several rants about what bullshit _Goop_ was and how Gwyneth Paltrow was full of crap. 

“No.” Maddie groaned, as if she’d seen this coming. Well, how could she not? “No, Gwyneth means  _ joy _ -” she and Chimney exchanged sickening sweet glances with each other and Chimney kissed her forehead “- and we will mostly be calling her Gwen for short.”

“Oh.” Buck looked back down at Gwyneth - Gwen - as her face twisted into something that may have been a yawn, her tiny little bean nose scrunching up adorably. “Gwen,” He said in his soft baby voice, testing it out. Okay, that fit much better. “Yeah, I like that. What do you think, Gwen? Gweny? The Gwennster? Miss Gwennington? Lady Gwenneviere?”

“We’ve lost him.” He heard Chimney mutter somewhere very far away that didn’t matter, because the only thing that mattered in the entire universe was little Lady Gwen with her tiny nose and tiny fists and tiny little feetsies.

“You are the cutest thing in the whole world, you know that?” Buck told her and laughed gently when she made a tiny noise in response. “Oh you do! Well you should. Because you are so special and I love you so much. I promise I’ll always take care of you - and I’ll take you out to get ice cream and go see movies and I’ll be your cool Uncle Buck -”

This time Chimney’s snort was impossible to ignore. “What?” Buck asked, trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice so he didn’t disturb Gwen. “What’s so funny about that?”

Chimney, who was perched on the edge of Maddie’s bed with one arm around her, kissed the top of her head. “Should I tell him?”

“Hmm, or we could not burst his bubble.” Maddie replied, a twinkle of amusement poking out from under her exhaustion.

“Tell me what?” Buck insisted.

“You never saw that John Hughes movie ‘Uncle Buck’?” Chimney asked him, before shaking his head. “Why do I ask - of course you didn’t.”

“What year did it come out?”

“1989.”

“... yeah no I definitely haven’t seen it.” 

“Hopeless.” Chimney _tsked_ between his teeth. “Anyway, it’s about this perpetual bachelor and slob called ‘Uncle Buck.'"

“Yeah, but only you would think of that.” Buck protested.

“It’s actually a really well known movie.” Maddie admitted. “You’d better be prepared for plenty of jokes.”

Buck frowned, looking down at Gwen. If she was anything like her parents, she was already going to have plenty of jokes at his expense. He didn’t want his entire  _ name  _ to be a joke - or worse, for her to get teased for talking about him.

“Well, I’ll just have to be Uncle Evan then.” He decided, addressing Gwen again. “I don’t usually like it when people call me Evan because it means I’m in trouble but you get to be the exception to that because you’re special.”

As if she knew he was talking about her, Gwen’s eyes actually popped open and she looked right at him. 

And… he knew it was a reflex, and that babies didn’t actually smile this young but.

But she was smiling at him.

Buck broke out into a wide grin, feeling himself start to tear up. 

“Quick, get a picture.” He heard Maddie hiss to Chimney, but he didn't care.

“You’re so special.” Buck told Gwen, stroking her hair as softly as he could with one thumb. “I love you so, so much. You’re so safe and loved.”

“I promise, I won’t ever leave you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs:
> 
> Major Warning: The first section is a flashback to when Buck tells his dad and his lawyer about being sexually assaulted. It doesn’t go into details but it’s about a week after the physical assault and attempted sexual assault (and attempted aggravated manslaughter) so there are some potentially triggering details from that, and just some really problematic thought processes and self-blaming going on. So if you’re even the slightest bit unsure, I’d advise skipping the first italicized section.
> 
> Past childhood sexual assault  
> Past childhood physical assault  
> Past childhood attempted aggravated manslaughter (or... attempted murder, depending on how you look at it).  
> Internalized victim-blaming  
> Drug use (legal - it’s in the hospital. In the first section Buck is on painkillers, and later on when Chimney is talking about how Maddie’s labor is going he mentions her being on medication that has helped her relax).  
> Bad parenting  
> Some relatively non-graphic descriptions of childbirth.
> 
> A few additional notes (... mostly about that first section):  
> I want to make it clear that Buck didn’t come out about being sexually assaulted because he thought it would be his fault if Benji hurt someone else - it was also because he didn’t feel safe. Additionally, anything Benji did would not be his responsibility. That’s just his perspective as a scared fifteen year old kid trying to find ways to convince himself to speak up.
> 
> Also - I think the prison system in the United States is garbage and most people who are there do not deserve to be there. I think rehabilitation is important but it’s often tipped in the favor of well-off white assholes like Benji. And Benji (and anyone like him in real life) deserves to be locked away for his entire life, but unfortunately that’s not typically how the prison system works. Just wanted to put that out there because a lot of people are under the impression that most people in prisons are murderers and rapists when in reality most of them are there for non-violent crimes (especially drugs… which is such bullshit because rich people do the same thing and call it ‘fun’).


	16. Winds of change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I asked you if you were ready to continue our conversation from Thanksgiving.”
> 
> Buck’s smile slipped as he racked his brain. Thanksgiving? The only time they’d really had a conversation had been right before she went into labor and…
> 
> He groaned.
> 
> A sly smile crept onto Maddie’s face.
> 
> “Any chance you could just… forget that conversation happened?” Buck hedged, already knowing the answer.
> 
> “An elephant never forgets.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beginning Note:  
> Please read the TWs at the end. We’re finally getting to a part that has been tagged since the beginning and unfortunately because my timing is horrible it might be unexpectedly triggering for some people. They are a little spoiler-y, but if you’re unsure please read them.

**9-1-1 Operator:**

**_9-1-1, what is your emergency?_ **

**9-1-1 Operator:**

**_We’re at the Griffith Park Observatory, and… there’s smoke!_ **

  
  


* * *

“Sometimes I hate people.” Hen called from her position near Buck at the hose. “You just _know_ that this was caused by some dick smoking on the trail and flicking their cigarette butt into the grass. You just _know it.”_

Buck nodded in agreement, looking up at the sky where the smoke was thinning, then glanced back at the Observatory in the distance. Even though the brush fire was relatively far away the museum had been evacuated as a precaution. They were at the tail end of “fire season” and even though Southern California had been somewhat spared this year, until they finally started getting some rain nobody could relax. Conditions were dry and dangerous - as Buck shifted his stance, the brown grass under his feet audibly cracked - and with the Santa Ana winds starting up again...

It was like they were all standing on top of a powder keg.

Luckily the brush fire was quickly managed, no need to even call in CalFire which was good because they were stretched extremely thin. As they were packing the hose back into the engine, a particularly strong gust of wind swept over all over them, like they were standing in front of a massive hot oven.

“Whoa.” Buck commented, trying to flatten his hair back down - he _just_ took his helmet off god damnit.

Eddie whistled as he finished securing the hose and they headed back to the truck cab. “Aren’t you glad _that_ didn’t happen an hour ago? The whole hillside would’ve been on fire.”

“Christopher would’ve never forgiven us if we let the Planetarium burn down.” Buck commented, hot on Eddie’s heels. “Luckily the Santa Anas were feeling generous today so-”

“You say that like they actually have a personality.” Eddie shot back, his face amused and somehow getting more unfairly pretty by the day. 

In fact, Buck was so distracted by the way the light hit his eyes at _just_ the right angle, that it took him several moments to realize Eddie was making fun of him.

“They do!” Buck insisted, following Eddie into the cab. “They’re vindictive and fickle and they cause people to act weird.”

Bobby groaned loudly from the front.

“Bobby don’t act like I’m full of shit it’s been documented!” Buck turned to Hen for support, but she was just shaking her head at him. “Crime increases - domestic abuse and _murder_. They’ve done studies!”

“So the worst time to be walking around at night would be during a full moon when the Santa Anas are blowing?” Eddie asked him.

Buck perked up, glad that at least _someone_ was taking him seriously. “Yes, exactly-” He caught sight of Eddie’s face, which had that pinched smile he always got when he was trying not to laugh. 

This fucker. Buck hated that the more Eddie teased him, the more attracted he became to him.

“Alright, _haha.”_ He elbowed Eddie in the side, a playful gesture more than a harsh one. “Look I’ve got science on my side.”

“Mhmm.” Hen nodded at him. “Hey Buck, did you know that Martin wrote gullible on the ceiling of the engine the other day?” She asked, pointing up.

“Wha- why?” Buck looked up without even thinking about it, because that _did_ sound like something Martin would do. Then a half second too late he realized what Hen had done and folded his arms, cross, as his team laughed at him. 

“It’s _real.”_ Buck insisted, unshakable in his faith. “They call them the Devil Winds for a reason. You’ll see.”

* * *

Maddie and Chimney had aged ten years in the week and a half since they’d gotten home from the hospital.

That was Buck’s first thought when they instantly shushed him upon opening the door to their apartment - he _hadn’t_ really been thinking when he knocked loudly, so that one was on him. There were dark circles under their eyes and just something… _weathered_ looking about them.

When Buck asked Chimney about it - once Maddie had wandered away zombie-like to the bathroom - a very dark look crossed his friend’s face and he said, “I’ve seen things, man. Once you’ve witnessed what’s inside a diaper… it changes you.”

Buck spent about an hour mostly just hanging out with Gwen, rocking her to sleep on the glider, while Maddie and Chimney intermittently pretended not to nap on the couch. At one point Chimney filled up a glass of water at the sink but then grabbed the dispenser of soap and tried to drink out of that instead, and Maddie pushed him toward their bedroom.

“You need to sleep.” She told him sternly. “Go take a nap, Buck and I will watch Gwen.”

“But that’s not fair, you’ve been doing all the work!” Chimney protested, while still allowing himself to be corralled.

“That’s not even a little bit true.” Maddie kissed him on the cheek. “Besides, I need to talk to my brother about something.”

“Uh, you do?” Buck asked her in a hushed voice. “Do you need me to watch Gwen to give you guys a break? Because I’m happy to-”

Maddie shook her head and came back to sit on the couch across from him. “We’re not ready for that yet.” She admitted. “But believe me we will _definitely_ be taking you up on that offer. Repeatedly.”

She said that like it was a bad thing. Buck smiled as Gwen blew a little spit bubble in her sleep.

 _“Buck.”_ Maddie said in a voice that made him think it was maybe not the first time. Buck looked up to see her giving an exasperated but fond look. 

“Sorry, what was that?”

“I asked you if you were ready to continue our conversation from Thanksgiving.”

Buck’s smile slipped as he racked his brain. Thanksgiving? That was such a crazy day, he could barely remember anything about it before they rushed Maddie off to the hospital. He didn’t think they’d talked in the car, and they’d barely talked at dinner. The only time they’d really had a conversation had been right before she went into labor and…

He groaned.

A sly smile crept onto Maddie’s face.

“Any chance you could just… forget that conversation happened?” Buck hedged, already knowing the answer.

“An elephant never forgets.” Maddie scooched closer, already looking ten times more awake than she had two minutes ago. “So, tell me about this mystery woman.”

Buck cringed. She _had_ to phrase it like that, didn’t she? 

He thought about maybe just shrugging it off. Telling Maddie that he didn’t feel like talking about it, or even pretending that he was over it. As if there was a chance in hell of Maddie just accepting that and not just pretending to only to drop hints every time they were together from now until eternity.

Plus, sitting here in Maddie and Chimney’s softly lit living room with Gwen snuggled in his arms and his sister watching them with tired maternal fondness… he just felt so warm and safe. 

“Okay.” Buck agreed, smoothing back some of Gwen’s wispy hair - a lot her hair had fallen out as Maddie predicted. He kept his voice low, even though he knew the odds of Chimney waking up sometime in the next millenia were limited. “But I should probably tell you something else first. I’ve been… thinking a lot.”

“Always dangerous.”

She was lucky he was holding a baby and couldn’t flip her off. _“Anyway._ I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’m realizing that I might not be… as, uh, straight as I thought I was.”

Maddie nodded. Then her brain caught up to his words. “Wait, what?”

Buck forced himself not to backtrack. He had committed to this and he was going to _do it_ , dammit. “Well, I kind of always thought I was mostly straight, but I’ve never been, like, grossed out by other guys or anything. Like I never really, y’know, fantasized or anything, but I’d thought about it.”

“I mean, so have I? Thought about girls, I mean.” Maddie pointed out. “I think that’s pretty common. Sexuality’s a spectrum, Buck.”

He waved his hand. “Yeah, yeah, I know. And that’s what I thought. But, um, recently that’s kind of changed.”

Maddie’s eyes widened and she raised an eyebrow. “Oh?” She leaned forward across the counter, chin propped up on her hand. “Go on.”

Buck shrugged, trying to be nonchalant. “I just, I don’t know. I guess I realized recently that I could see myself with a guy. Not just the - the sex part of it.” He clarified quickly. “I mean I could see more. I could see myself, y’know, dating a guy.”

There, he’d said it. Part one of this horribly awkward confession was complete.

Slowly, a smile blossomed on Maddie’s face. He’d surprised her, definitely, but she was supportive. He could already tell. “That’s amazing, Buck. Good for you, for figuring that out. How long have you known?”

“Like maybe a month.”

Maddie barked out a surprised laugh, then covered her mouth, looking guiltily at Gwen who thankfully did not stir. In a whisper, Maddie replied. “That long huh?”

“It’s been a process.” Buck admitted. “But more less yeah.”

“Well I’m really glad you told me.” Maddie said, her smile genuine and warm and making him sag internally in relief. It wasn’t that he’d thought she would stop loving him or that she would be disgusted - but there had maybe been part of him that was worried she wouldn’t take him seriously or would have questioned him a lot more before believing him. “So does that mean… when you said that you’ve been having feelings for someone… were you talking about a guy?”

The relief was short-lived. He still had part two of the conversation to get through.

Buck sighed deeply and dramatically, hanging his head. “Yes. _But_ I can’t do anything about those feelings, so I’ll just have to suffer through them and try to get over it. But at least now I actually know what they are and that I’m not just going crazy.”

Maddie was silent for a few moments, clearly waiting for him to continue. 

Buck stared at Gwen’s foot, not making eye contact with Maddie.

“Okay, you can’t just leave me with that!” Maddie protested. “Who is this mystery guy? How and when did you meet him?”

Buck continued to stay silent.

“Oh, do I…” The thought struck her. “Do I know him? Oh my god is it Josh?”

“No, it’s not Josh.” Buck protested. “You can’t just throw out the name of the only gay guy you know-”

“Hey I know more than one - wait so he’s not gay? Is he bi? _Oh_ … is he straight?”

“He’s - he’s Eddie.” Buck blurted out. “It’s Eddie, okay? That’s my problem.”

If Maddie had been surprised before, now she was shocked. Her jaw slipped off her hand and hit the couch arm she was leaning on. “Sorry,” She said, adjusting her position. “Just - Eddie? Really?”

“Yeah, that was my reaction too.” Buck said bitterly.

“I’m sorry.” Maddie repeated, clearly trying to get her brain behind the whole Eddie thing. “I - wow. That’s really big.”

“Tell me about it.” Buck griped a little too loudly, then glanced back at Gwen to make sure he hadn’t disturbed her. “I don’t - I really don’t know how or when it happened. But I think it’s been going on for awhile.”

“What made you realize?”

“Uh.” He said, because for a dreadful moment the only thing popping into his brain was ‘I watched a video of him working out on Instagram and jacked off to it.’ But that was not something his sister needed to know about so Buck took a second to think of a better answer. “Back when he got hurt I stayed with Eddie and Christopher for twenty-four hours - because of the concussion, you know?”

“Right.”

“And so - I mean at first I tried to take the couch but I kept having to wake Eddie up every couple hours to make sure his symptoms weren’t getting worse and then eventually…”

“Oh my god!” Maddie yelped, covering her mouth again when Gwen let out a small disgruntled noise. “Oh my god,” she repeated, quieter. “You didn’t - Buck tell me you guys didn’t -”

“Wha - no!” He hissed at her, covering Gwen’s ears. “He had a _concussion,_ Maddie! And I didn’t really even know I was into him. No, nothing _happened,_ I just was tired and the couch was uncomfortable so I ended up falling asleep in bed with him.”

Maddie smirked, starting to get a little too enthused about this. “So… you _did_ sleep together.”

“No, we -” Buck thought about it for a second, then backtracked. “Fine yes technically we fell asleep together.”

Maddie’s smile was blinding. Buck was reminded sharply of her reaction to him asking her in the sixth grade why he felt like throwing up every time Erica Gilbert looked at him.

“Anyway,” He soldiered on. “Before we fell asleep we talked about some… heavy stuff. And he said - he basically said that there wasn’t anything I could tell him that would change how he felt about me.”

Maddie emitted a choked-sounding noise.

 _“Platonically.”_ Buck amended. 

“He said ‘Buck is there isn’t anything you could tell me that would change how I feel about you _platonically’?_ ” Maddie asked, incredulous.

“Well no.” He admitted. “But he meant it platonically. He’s dating someone, Maddie. I just didn’t know it at the time… and when he said that I just - I realized that I really wanted it to mean something.”

Now Maddie’s face had frozen, her smile slipping into something a little more puzzled. 

“I know it sounds crazy.” Buck went on, laughing a little as he shook his head. “Trust me, I know. But I’ve looked at it from every angle trying to figure out some other explanation, right? And there’s not one. Which really sucks because -”

“He’s dating someone.” Maddie repeated, her voice soft and caring. “Oh, Buck…”

“It’s not just that.” A bitter smile twisted on his face. “Even if by some crazy miracle it worked out, and he did want to be with me -” God, he felt pathetic just saying it like that “- it _wouldn’t_ work out, because we wouldn’t be allowed to work together anymore. And that’s just - that can’t-”

“Okay, okay.” Maddie held a hand up. “Let’s ignore the other stuff for a second. Let’s say that you guys got together, and you had to transfer. Would it be worth it to you?”

“No.” Buck didn’t even have to think about it.

Maddie sighed, leaning back. “Well, okay. Then it’s good that you know that, because maybe you’re right. You guys have a really great friendship, and if getting together wouldn’t be worth having to move jobs, then it probably wouldn’t be worth potentially losing that friendship.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Buck looked back down at Gwen, searching for wisdom in her tiny sleeping face. “I - look I love my job. And my team. And yeah, if let’s say it was between having to transfer or never seeing Eddie again, I’d have to think about it. I don’t know what I’d do. But the problem is that if I transferred, I’d be seeing less of Eddie, even in this ridiculous hypothetical situation where we’re dating.”

“True. But even with our crazy schedules, Chimney and I still see each other plenty. It’s not that bad.”

“It’s more than just that. Eddie’s… with my job, there was before-Eddie, and then after-Eddie.” Buck explained, unable to gesture with his hands like he normally would thanks to Gwen in his arms. “And before-Eddie was fine, good even. But after-Eddie is…” 

He couldn’t even put it into words. The way that their team dynamic had shifted. How much _better_ he’d become, how much more valued he felt. Having a partner, someone who trusted him so completely. 

“I don’t want to lose it. And if something happened - I’d rather be there, you know? Like, he’s Eddie, he’s always going to do the risky maneuver because he’s like Batman or whatever. And I’d rather be there to have his back when he does it.” Buck said, feeling bile at the back of the throat at just the _thought_ of being forced away from Eddie and something happening to him.

Maddie stared at him. “Oh wow.” She said finally. “It’s serious.”

“Well, he did get a concussion when I wasn’t there, so -”

“No,” Maddie scooted closer, a little worry line between her eyebrows. “After - after _Doug._ I couldn’t stop thinking about how Chim got hurt because of me - he almost _died._ I thought he was dead. And that hurt so _bad…_ it scared me. The thought of going through that again. Of letting him in even closer, really letting myself fall in love with him completely, letting myself be happy in a relationship with him, learning to rely on him… and then losing him again.”

Buck almost couldn’t breathe. Both because it hurt to hear Maddie talking about how she felt when she thought Chimney was dead (and all the anxiety that slammed into him at the reminder of that entire fucking awful day)... but also because she was giving voice to feelings and fears he couldn’t even acknowledge.

“But I got past it.” Maddie continued with a stubborn jut of her chin. “I couldn’t let myself live in fear. I decided to let myself be happy. Be in love - make a _family.”_ Her eyes landed on Gwen and started to water. “It was worth it. There isn’t a single second where I regret it.”

Buck wasn’t going to ask her if she’d still think that if something happened to Chimney. He would never tempt fate like that. So instead he told her tightly: “Maddie… I _can’t._ I can’t risk it.”

“Even if that means sitting back and watching him date someone else?” She asked him, voice gentle yet firm.

He shook his head, shifting his grip around Gwen unconsciously. “I’m gonna lose him no matter what I do, Mads. Eventually. So I’ve just gotta do what I can to hang on for as long as possible and not do anything to scare him off.” 

He doesn’t mean to, but it slips out anyway.

“Like I always do.”

Maddie did not miss _that,_ her eyes narrowing in on him like they were playing battleship and she finally figured out where he hid his Destroyer. “What does _that_ mean?” She asked sharply. “And I swear to god, if you call yourself a leech again, I will smack you.”

“I’m holding your child.”

“I will put my daughter in her bassinet and smack you.”

“I’m not saying I’m a leech.” Buck rolled his eyes. “But - there’s a pattern okay? You can’t pretend there’s not a pattern. Like, there’s a reason I’m alone.”

“Because you work a lot and you’re still young and apparently secretly pining for your best friend?” Maddie asked him infuriatingly.

“Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.” He said quietly, serious. “You - Maddie, you left. And I’m not blaming you for that, I know that it was a lot to deal with but that’s sort of my point. It was the same thing as the lawsuit - I find a way to make everything about me and get really self-involved and it’s exhausting and -”

“Buck, no offense, but that’s exactly what you’re doing right now.” Maddie said, causing his mouth to snap shut. She had her arms folded around herself now, looking small. “Look, I know that I don’t really - I don’t talk a lot about things with Doug that much and that’s partially because it’s not - talking about it isn’t easy for me…”

He instantly felt like shit. “Maddie, you don’t have to-”

“No, I need to say this.” She squeezed her arms tighter and for the first time Buck wished he wasn’t anchored in place by Gwen so he could go over there and hug his sister. “Part of the reason I don’t talk about how things were with Doug is because I’m still sorting a lot of that out. It wasn’t like - it’s not like one day he was this perfect husband and the next day he was an abusive asshole. It happened slowly over time and even in the beginning there were things that at the time seemed fine but looking back seem obvious now. And he really just - really early on he got in my head about our family and our parents and how selfish they were and that they expected too much from me without giving anything back.”

Never in a million years did Buck think he would agree with anything Doug said but… “I mean, yeah.” Buck said, thinking about how often his parents would work late or fuck off on a Friday night and leave Maddie in charge. 

“That’s the problem - he wasn’t wrong so it wasn’t easy for me to see how selfish _he_ was.” Maddie admitted. “Because when he said I needed to think of myself, and put myself first - what he really meant was I needed to put _him_ first. And I think he was a little jealous of you.”

Buck laughed in surprise. “Uh, what? Why?” Doug had never done anything other than look down at him and ignore him. 

“He wanted me to himself. He…” She shook her head, an ugly look crossing her face. “He had so many issues with his own parents, and his mom dying when he was young, and he just wanted to love him and take care of him. And when I came back to live with you guys for a bit, he really hated that. He didn’t like not being my top priority, even for a little bit. He’d guilt me about it whenever we talked on the phone or I came to see him. He’d tell me that I was just falling into my parent’s trap again, that you were _their_ kid not mine and they were trying to pull me away from my life. Then he started telling me that I obviously didn’t care about our relationship if I was just willing to let it die and eventually he threatened to break up with me if I didn’t come home that week.”

There was so much disgust in her voice - for Doug, obviously. But Buck couldn’t help wonder if some of it was for herself too. “Maddie…”

“I should’ve left him then. Would’ve saved myself a lot of trouble. But I just couldn’t see it and I was so wrapped up in how _hurt_ he was, so I went back to him.” Maddie steeled herself, almost visibly brushing off the memories. “And I’m telling you this because obviously I’d do it differently if I could do it over, but also because it really wasn’t about you. It was about Doug and it was about me and I’m sorry that you thought it was because you were too much. You weren’t.”

His eyes were starting to water now, so Buck reluctantly had to shift Gwen to only one arm in order to wipe at them. “You didn’t have to tell me that.” He said, feeling guilty that Maddie had to bare her soul about Doug in order to make him feel better. “But thank you. I’m sorry that you had to go through that.”

“I’m starting to get to the point where talking about this stuff sometimes isn’t so awful all the time.” Maddie rested her head against the couch arm, her exhaustion visibly creeping back in after her big emotional reveal. “Frank says it’s healthy.”

“Well I’m not going to argue with _Frank.”_

“How’s your therapy going by the way?” She asked, tucking her legs up so that she was properly curled up on the couch, looking minutes away from falling asleep.

Buck tilted his free hand back forth. “Eh. I feel like we’ve kind of hit a wall because…” Well, she’d just been impressively honest with him, so there was no reason to hold back. “She’s not making me talk about Benji until I’m comfortable, which I appreciate but now I keep finding other things to talk about to avoid the subject and I think I’m getting a little too comfortable.”

“Have you talked about Eddie with her?”

“To _death.”_

“And what does she think?”

He winced. “That I should talk to him about it.”

“Hmmm.” Maddie hummed, snuggling into the couch cushions, clearly settling in for a nap. “So if two very emotionally intelligent women in your life think you should talk to Eddie about your feelings then maybe you should…?”

“Bury them deep inside me so that they’ll never see the light of day.” Buck joked, but he was also dead serious. Because Maddie and Monroe (and Hen) might be emotionally intelligent, but he was _not_ and there were about a million ways he could screw up that conversation. 

“You’re frustrating.” His sister groaned. “I’m gonna take a nap. Can you promise me you’ll think about it and come to the conclusion that I’m right by the time I wake up?”

“Sure.” Buck lied, just so she would get some much-needed sleep. He would deal with the consequences later.

(It turned out, he would not have to deal with the consequences, because about twenty minutes into Maddie’s nap Gwen woke up and started absolutely _wailing._ Which jolted Maddie awake and sent Chimney sprinting into the living room in full panic mode, effectively freeing Buck from having to talk about his feelings anymore for the rest of the visit).

  
  


* * *

  
  


Look, Eddie was not superstitious by any stretch of the imagination. 

He was what you might even call a skeptic. Even as early as eight years old he’d been the kid rolling his eyes at the campfire as someone told a scary ghost story. It’s not that he went so far to use Ouija boards as a joke or go run into graveyards because that was disrespectful as shit, but he really didn’t buy into anything supernatural or metaphysical. 

At the same time… he was starting to wonder if Buck was onto something with this “Devil Winds” causing odd behavior stuff. 

It had started with Hen, who invited him and Christopher over for a game night that Friday. That wasn’t inherently unusual - Hen and Karen loved hosting game nights, especially when they could get the kids involved. When Eddie and Christopher arrived, Eddie had initially thought that everyone else was just running late, because it was only them, the Wilsons, and Buck. 

But then twenty minutes into a game of _Sorry!_ Eddie had asked if the other guests were stuck in traffic and Karen had replied, “Oh no this is everyone.”

And as Eddie had dragged his eyes away from the irresistible cuteness that was Christopher helping Buck cheat by surreptitiously swapping cards with him, he’d caught Hen giving him an almost _knowing_ look that made him wonder… was this a setup?

Then on their next shift they’d thrown a farewell for John who was transferring to the 136 and Buck had acted like it was the most tragic event their station had ever seen.

“It’s just - I think this really sucks.” Buck had grumbled, shoving cake into his mouth while he watched John and Tanika talking across the loft. “Don’t you think this sucks?”

“Sure, John’s a good guy, I’ll miss working with him.” Eddie had replied, honestly confused as to why Buck was so upset. 

“I just - it’s bullshit right? John and Tanika are a really good team and it shouldn’t matter that they’re together.” Buck vented, not noticing that his mini rant had caught Bobby’s attention from a few feet away. “Like the feelings were already there and they worked together perfectly fine, _great_ even, it’s stupid that just because they’re officially together now that everyone’s acting like they would be compromised.”

He had sounded so _frustrated_ by the situation. Eddie hadn’t realized he was that close to John or Tanika. But that was just another example of how emotionally invested Buck could get (and of course a stark reminder of why Eddie’s feelings for him were so ill advised - his fantasy of them being work partners _and_ partners outside of work was literally impossible).

And now they were responding to a call where two Deadpools on Hollywood Boulevard had gotten into an actual _sword fight_ of all things that ended up with them crashing right through the glass of a coffee shop.

“He was treading on my turf!” Deadpool Number One complained to the officer who was standing over Hen’s shoulder as she carefully tweezed the glass out of his face. “It’s Tuesday, which means the Chinese Theater is _my territory_ man. Tomorrow’s your day!”

“Look, I don’t see the big deal.” Deadpool Number Two, whose arm Eddie was currently checking for breaks, called back. “So what if there’s two Deadpools? The Captain Americas make it work, why can’t we?”

“Because everyone wants a picture with Captain America, there’s enough business to go around!” Deadpool One snapped back, flinching when Hen pulled out a large chunk of glass. “Oww!”

“If you stopped talking like I told you to, this wouldn’t be hurting nearly this bad.” She told him, effectively shutting down the argument.

Eddie shook his head in amusement. As he finished checking Deadpool Two over, he caught sight of Buck talking to the coffee shop manager in the corner. After they’d gotten the damage cleared out of the way and gotten everyone to safety, Buck had been put on ‘damage control’: aka charming the management into remaining calm and not inflicting more pandemonium onto an already chaotic scene. 

Judging by the infatuated smile that was alighting the young manager’s face, Eddie guessed Buck had done his job maybe a little _too_ well.

As Eddie finished clearing Deadpool Two so that the officers could arrest him, he turned around and watched as the manager said something that made Buck actually throw his head back in open, honest laughter. The guy’s face brightened in absolute adoration that was so glaring you could see it from space.

But of course as Eddie made his way over there Buck was saying “...well if Lin-Manuel Miranda really _did_ say that about your coffee, then I guess I’ll have to try it sometime when I’m not on duty, yeah?”

“Oh for sure.” The smitten coffee manager said, his eyes shamelessly flicking up and down Buck’s body. Eddie didn’t normally judge anyone on their appearances but this guy had a pageboy hat on indoors, for fuck’s sake. “Just make sure you come on a Tuesday, Thursday, or Saturday when I’m working. I’ll hook you up with a discount.”

“Great, I’ll be there!” Buck flashed him a grin, his ears a little red, then almost tripped over himself at the sight of Eddie. “Oh hey Eddie.”

“We’re finishing packing up.” Eddie said, much more shortly than he meant to.

“Yeah, we’re good here right, um…?” Buck floundered and it made Eddie more satisfied than he had any right to be that Buck apparently didn’t know Mr. _I’m-pursuing-a-degree-in-philosophy_ ’s name. 

The pageboy-wearing-douche wasn’t put-out though. “Kyle.”

Buck lit up. “Oh, cool, my best friend in high school’s name was Kyle.”

“See, we already have so much in common-”

“I’m going back to the truck.” Eddie said, turning away shoving down the instinct to insist Buck follow him. Because that would be a dick move and he wasn’t some possessive asshole, but holy shit was Buck really that oblivious that he couldn’t tell he was being hit on?

Eddie wrestled with whether or not to say something the whole drive back to the station, avoiding even looking at Buck because he was afraid his discontent would be written all over his face. He wasn’t an idiot - he was aware that he was jealous. It was that same uncomfortable, tight feeling he always got when people flirted with Buck when they went out or were on the job. Eddie had learned to push that down a long time ago, not the least because he got hit on equally as often. 

But Buck was usually better about shutting them down quickly, at least when they were working. It wasn’t like him to agree to meet up with someone outside of work, so Eddie had to assume Buck hadn’t realized Kyle the Pageboy Hat was flirting with him.

Which was the only reason Eddie even brought it up once they were alone in the locker room at the end of the shift.

“Hey so, remember that guy at the coffee shop?” Eddie asked casually.

“Kyle?” Buck said way too quickly, and Eddie hated the way he bristled at the easy smile on his friend’s face.

“Yeah… _Kyle._ Listen man, I don’t mean to be awkward, but you realize he was flirting with you, right?”

Buck stared at him with an utterly unreadable expression. As if he was deciding something. 

“Yes?” He said finally.

Eddie had to admit - he was unprepared for that response.

“You did?” Eddie echoed, not sure where to go from here.

Buck ruffled his drying hair and threw him a sheepish smile. “Okay, I feel like I maybe know where you’re going with this and I _know,_ I’m not supposed to flirt with people on calls. But I figured it was okay if I’m just agreeing to meet with him later, outside work. Right?”

Eddie stared at him, stunned.

“But - he’s a guy.” He pointed out, feeling stupid and judgemental even as he said it. “You - since when do you flirt with guys?”

“Uh - in retrospect, probably since college.” Buck ran a hand through his hair again - he was _nervous,_ Eddie realized, but he was playing this off like it wasn’t a big deal. “It’s just something I’ve been sort of opening myself up to more recently though.”

“Oh.” Eddie felt like he’d entered the Twilight Zone. Buck was _opening himself up_ to flirting with guys which meant that he was… “So wait does that mean you want to… date Kyle?” 

“I dunno. He seemed nice?” Buck was not looking at him which was good because Eddie was pretty sure his face looked like it had been caved in with a frying pan. “I mean... I don't see what's wrong with exploring what’s out there. Unless you can think of a reason why I shouldn't.”

 _I am literally sitting two feet away from you._ Eddie wanted to shout, unable to believe this was happening. Buck had slept in his bed and cuddled him in his sleep and he apparently was interested in men but somehow all that added up to… Buck wanting to explore with Kyle the Pageboy Hat?

_What. The. Fuck._

Now Buck actually was watching him and he looked like he was honestly worried about Eddie’s opinion and as much as Eddie wanted to tell him that Kyle seemed like a douchebag and not Buck’s type at all (although Eddie was going to apparently need to recalibrate what he thought “Buck’s type” was because up until this point he’d thought it was beautiful and witty women), that would be the dick move. 

The non-dick move would be to just be supportive… right?

“I guess not.” Eddie conceded, unable to muster up more enthusiasm. “As long as you’re being safe, you should go out and date whoever you want.”

He wanted to punch himself in the face. _As long as you’re being safe._ What the hell was wrong with him?

A smirk that didn’t reach Buck’s eyes twisted on his lips. “Okay, _dad.”_ He teased Eddie, though it seemed half-hearted at best. 

Eddie was sure it was just his imagination but there was something just _off_ about this conversation. Like neither of them were being completely truthful with each other. 

_That’s just you,_ Eddie told himself sternly as he and Buck parted ways at their respective cars. He waited until Buck had pulled out of the parking lot to hit his head - gently, he didn’t need to retrigger his concussion - against the steering wheel.

“What the fuck.” He said out loud, unable to stuff his frustration inside any longer. “Literally, _what the fuck.”_

Buck wasn’t straight. Or he was at least _“opening himself up”,_ whatever the fuck that meant (Eddie refused to let his mind wander in the direction that phrase was just begging to lead him down). That should - shit that should mean something. 

Eddie started his car, thoughts going a million miles an hour as he peeled out of the parking lot - and immediately hit traffic. 

Okay, so Buck was interested in guys. That didn’t mean he was interested in Eddie necessarily but it maybe did explain some of the _vibes_ that Eddie had been getting from him since day one. Maybe those times when Eddie had thought Buck just didn’t realize how flirtatious he sounded he _was_ actually flirting with Eddie, but it didn’t mean anything.

Because they were best friends and Eddie knew their friendship was important to Buck. So it made sense that maybe Buck _was_ attracted to him (it would certainly explain a lot of looks), but not enough to want to make it worth the risk of screwing up their friendship. Not enough to want to _date_ Eddie, especially since it didn’t necessarily sound like he was looking for anything serious and he just wanted to “explore” and -

Eddie’s grip on the steering wheel was getting a bit tight.

 _Stop it._ He scolded himself. Buck could do whatever he wanted, with _whomever_ he wanted. Eddie had absolutely no claim over him, beyond being concerned for his well-being. Kyle was probably a nice guy despite his questionable choice in headwear and besides - Buck was perfectly capable of taking care of himself. Besides, Eddie was technically seeing Ana and -

Eddie slammed his foot on the breaks.

“Watch it, dickhead!” An irate woman in a minivan called out to him, her son giving him the middle finger from the backseat window.

He took a few moments to collect himself, enduring the honks of angry nearby cars before finally closing the twenty foot gap between him and the car that was stopped in front of him.

Eddie couldn’t even focus on his surroundings enough to get annoyed about the stop and go traffic because a major glaring fact had just come to his attention.

_Buck thinks I’m dating Ana._

Which he technically was, even if neither of them had seen each for weeks and they hadn’t exchanged so much as a text message in over a week. Eddie was pretty sure they were on the same page about it - whatever spark had been there back in the spring was gone and there was no point dragging it out. 

Still, Eddie had spent too many nights watching his sister cry about boys ghosting them to ever do that to somebody. Even if he and Ana had never officially _become_ anything, he still owed her an in-person conversation. 

But Buck didn’t know that. Eddie hadn’t told him anything except that they were dating. 

As far as Buck knew, Eddie could be in love with her.

“... shit.” 

* * *

Buck was drinking alone at a bar.

It was the same bar that Maddie and Chimney would drag him out to sing karaoke at when they were “just friends.” Except this time Buck was here alone, sitting at the bar with all the other lonely singles. He could hear Bobby’s voice in his head, chiding him that _real lasting relationships don’t start in bars, Buck._

But lasting relationships apparently didn’t start on 9-1-1 home invasion calls, or ten stories up of a collapsing building during an earthquake, or even on dating apps. And Buck didn’t exactly have a kid whose teachers he could ask out, so it looked like bars were going to have to do. 

Or maybe Christopher’s science teacher was single. He and Eddie could double-date - and _hey!_ That would almost be like dating each other, right?

The guy he’d met today had been nice and Buck had been flattered. He’d _really_ wanted to get excited about hanging out with a nice, attractive guy who seemed genuinely interested in him, and focus on putting this Eddie thing behind him.

Except that conversation with Eddie in the locker room had taken all the wind out of his sails. Eddie had called him out for flirting with Kyle and Buck had come out to him. He hadn't meant to, but something (probably the Santa Anas) had made him just blurt it out and Eddie had told him… to go out and date whoever he wanted. 

_As long as you’re safe._ He’d said. 

And that had effectively ruined any possibility Buck was going to see Kyle again.

Like there was a chance in _hell_ that he’d be able to actually hook up with him and not hear those words echoing in his head.

“This seat taken?” A low, familiar voice cut through his self-pitying thoughts.

Buck looked up and was more surprised than he should’ve been to see Taylor Kelly standing next to him, that familiar look of mischief in her eyes. He knew she liked to come here to catch whiff of any potential stories from the firefighter and cop patrons. But he hadn’t actually seen her here since that first night when they’d…

“Oh hey.” He greeted her, feeling the tips of his ears go red when he thought about their shameless romp in the bathroom two years ago. Which was - _yup,_ that was the last semi-public sex he’d had. He and Ali hadn’t gotten quite that adventuresome (although there had been a couple close calls), and he and Jess had never gone anywhere but his apartment.

“You here with anyone?” Taylor asked, settling into the stool next to him.

Buck shook his head. He would feel pathetic about it, but he knew that she usually only came here alone. “Nope. Flying solo tonight.”

Taylor’s eyebrows went up appraisingly. “Huh. I thought you didn’t do that anymore.”

Yeah, Buck also thought he didn’t do _that_ anymore. “Just trying not to think about someone.” He admitted, the alcohol making him honest. 

He knew better than to go any further with Taylor. If he gave too much away she might put the pieces together and he knew from firsthand experience she couldn’t be trusted with that kind of information. 

God knows what kind of story she could contrive about a firefighter secretly pining for his partner.

“Aren’t we all.” Taylor replied cryptically, raising her glass to his. Buck clinked their glasses together, surprised at her answer. 

He could feel her watching him as he finished his drink, feeling the effects really start to hit him. There had always been something a little calculating about Taylor - he’d learned quickly that she was always looking for an angle. 

Taylor tossed her hair back over her shoulders, smirking when his eyes lingered on her neck (just because Buck knew it was a tactic didn’t mean he was above falling for it). “You know, I know a great way not to think about someone.” She told him coyly, curling a hand over his forearm. 

Buck looked down at her hand, this time not really surprised.

What Taylor was offering him would be easy. She was beautiful, and they had chemistry, not to mention the sex they’d had was amazingly good. And unlike two years ago he knew better than to get attached to her. He could take her home, or they could even have sex in the bathroom again, and it would be the perfect escape. 

Taylor wasn’t a bad person. He didn’t love how that whole thing with Bobby and the LSD had gone down, but he knew how driven she was by her ambition. If there was one thing Buck could respect, it was how much Taylor loved her job - even if they didn’t see eye to eye on some of the moral greyness.

He also respected and understood that she put her job above everything: even personal relationships. They’d been facebook friends for a couple years now and while it was entirely possible that Taylor just wasn’t a “facebook official” kind of person, the people in her photos were always changing. She seemed lonely to Buck, but maybe she liked it that way. Maybe she preferred not to have any attachments.

The problem with Taylor wasn’t that she wanted casual sex. 

It was that she’d assumed _Buck_ wanted casual sex.

When he was sleeping around, if someone had thrown all the red flags at him that Buck had shown Taylor two years ago - just got out of a serious relationship, trying to change to be more responsible, apologizing for the casual sex, talking about how much they liked and respected him, asking him out… he would’ve pulled the plug. It wouldn’t have been _easy,_ but he definitely wouldn’t have kept sleeping with them. And Buck was pretty sure that Taylor would’ve been happy to keep their thing going if he hadn’t stopped.

Because she wasn’t a bad person… but she wasn’t a good person either. 

Buck looked down at the hand that was curled around his bicep. 

Why was he even thinking about it? Just because he wanted to have sex with someone? Because it felt good to have someone touch him, to feel someone else’s skin against his?

He wouldn’t feel good when it was finished. He knew exactly what it would feel like. He’d been down this road before. 

He knew he would feel _used._

And yet he still wanted to. No - it wasn’t even _want._ It was like an itch. Buck had come to this bar to get Eddie out of his head, to have someone else’s hands wash away the thoughts of his touch. It didn’t matter who it was, even if it was Taylor. 

Because this wasn’t about Taylor, or any person in here.

It was about Eddie.

_How many times,_ Buck wondered as he looked into Taylor’s smirking eyes, _do I need to learn this lesson?_

He’d already been here two years ago. He’d stopped texting Taylor and decided to date Ali instead. 

Just because that relationship had ended in hurt and disappointment didn’t mean that Buck had been _wrong._

He already knew he wanted more than what Taylor - or anyone else in this bar - would give him.

Buck gently lifted Taylor’s hand off his arm. “I’m not interested.” He told her firmly, watching her eyes widen with surprise. “I think we both know we don’t want the same things. If you want a casual hookup, try Tinder. Make sure you put that in your bio, though.”

She barked out a laugh, retreating her hand back to her drink and downing a quick shot. “What, are you trying to tell me you came looking for love in a bar?” Taylor quirked an eyebrow, a touch of meanness behind her mocking. He wondered if his rejection stung her more than her pride would let her admit.

“I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I know it’s not here.” 

He closed his tab and left. 

In spite of the drinks he’d consumed, Buck felt startlingly sober as he decided to take a walk down Santa Monica, the street strangely quiet in the off time between when people started going out and when bars closed. 

Buck had never been known for his patience. He was the guy who liked to charge in with half a plan and a prayer. His heart ruled most of his decisions. Getting it to listen to his head was a struggle - especially when most of the time his head was just as foolish as his heart. 

That’s why he needed Eddie to temper him. To slow him down: cool his head and calm his restless heart. But this time, he wouldn’t have Eddie at his side. 

Buck hadn’t been truthful with Taylor. He did know what he was looking for. He knew what he wanted, and he knew where exactly it was. 

_Who_ exactly it was.

Buck had dropped a huge revelation on Eddie today - he had recognized a flicker of shock in Eddie's eyes. Just because Eddie hadn't immediately followed up Buck's admission with _"_ _I'm in love with you"_ that didn't mean Eddie felt nothing. Shit, it had taken Buck weeks to figure out what Eddie being bisexual meant for him, potentially for _them_ \- Eddie deserved a minute.

And if he still wanted to be with Ana... if Ana made Eddie happy, then Buck would be happy for him.

But if he didn't... if he _did_ want to be with Buck... well, Buck wasn't really sure what that meant for them. He honestly didn't know if what he'd told Maddie was true or not.

Could he handle losing Eddie at work, only to potentially lose him for good later? 

Would he ever forgive himself if he drove Eddie away - or worse, if something happened to Eddie on a call and Buck wasn't there to look out for him?

There were no easy answers. Buck heaved a sigh and turned around, intending to go back to his car. 

Instead, his gaze was caught by something dim and orange in the distant sky. 

He frowned, squinting as he tried to make out what it was. As his eyes adjusted, he realized that it wasn’t coming from the sky - it was the Santa Monica mountains overlooking the LA valley. There was an orange line flickering at their crest, and the stars above them were snuffed out by something dark and thick.

Buck’s phone started buzzing incessantly with incoming texts and calls, as his eyes widened in realization of what he was witnessing.

_Holy. Fuck._

The Santa Monica mountains were on fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Note:
> 
> TWs:  
> Wildfires (we just start getting into it in this chapter, but it’s definitely there).  
> Coming out  
> Discussion of past emotional domestic abuse (of a relationship that later turned physically abusive).  
> Jealousy  
> Some discussion of unhealthy sexual habits.
> 
> A note about the wildfires:  
> As many of you probably know, the west coast of the United States is burning. It’s devastating and it is horrible and every year it gets worse.
> 
> I did not include it in this fic because of the current wildfires in California, Washington, and Oregon. I started planning this fic back in May and by late June/early July had all my chapters plotted out - including the plan to write about a wildfire in the next few chapters. I wanted to specifically write about wildfires because it’s a major part of living in California and it’s a natural disaster that has actually happened (multiple times) since I’ve been here, unlike a Tsunami or a 7.1 earthquake (crossing my fingers that I didn’t just tempt fate on that one though).
> 
> The fact that the wildfires have really kicked into gear in the past couple weeks when I’m just now getting to these chapters is sheer unfortunate coincidence (I intended to be done with this fic by this point/I’m used to the fires getting bad in October/November like they have for the past couple years). 
> 
> They’re so bad this year and affect so many people that I did consider rewriting this fic because I know it hits too close to home for a lot of people - the entire reason that I decided not to include any mentions of COVID in my fic. It’s also stressful for me on a personal level, even though I am at low risk of needing to evacuate, living in the city limits of LA.
> 
> However I decided I was a little too far into the writing process to turn it around, and after doing a bunch of research on wildfires I wanted to try and do it justice. Now bear in mind that I do only have limited firsthand experience with this and also the 118 are LAFD not CalFire so I’ve taken some creative liberties with how they would be called in to help out (this will also not be based on the current 2020 wildfire situation).
> 
> But I’ve tried to do my research and wanted to write about this because it’s something I care about - and it’s part of the larger problem of climate change that we cannot keep ignoring. So while I did fill in some gaps of my knowledge and take creative liberties with how the actual rescue operations would go for the 118, I tried to keep the parts about the wildfires actually informative and as accurate as possible (again.. to my knowledge). 
> 
> Less important notes:  
> The version of Battleship that Maddie and Buck would play as kids would be the 1990 version where the Destroyer was the tiny 2-square boat, not the 2002 version where it was renamed to Patrol Boat. Just to be clear.
> 
> There is nothing wrong with philosophy degrees, Eddie was just being petty and jealous. 
> 
> Yes I am aware that this is the chapter where I shove all the buddie fanfic cliches into one chapter (I did try to subvert them a bit though!)
> 
> Also want to be super clear that I'm not criticizing casual sex - it's just not what Buck wants. And Taylor did blatantly ignore his signals in 2.08


	17. No tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I think that’s where the trail Albert and I were going to go hiking on was.”
> 
> Chimney grunted more than spoke. “What?”
> 
> “Albert and I had a rain-check for a hike.” Buck explained. “I think the trail he wanted to check out was over there.” He pointed at the smoke covering the horizon. 
> 
> “Well, you know what they say about seizing the day."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs at the end.
> 
> As always, the flashback at the beginning is heavy, so please skip it if you're unsure!

_ “You’re a lifesaver, you know that right?” _

_ Rachel’s brother-in-law laughed, waving her off. “Really, you don’t have to thank me. Watching Evan is no trouble at all.” _

_ “Somehow I find that hard to believe.” Rachel replied, slipping her shoes off as she entered the house. Her son was many things but ‘no trouble’ was not one of them. “Looks like you guys got some serious rain yesterday.” She noted, looking over her shoulder at the bright green grass that was still wet.  _

_ “Yeah, I can’t believe it missed you at the festival.” Benji sighed, then added in a low voice: “I do have to warn you… I think Evan might have caught something.” _

_ “Oh.” Rachel frowned. “What happened?” _

_ “It’s completely my fault - we were playing baseball at that park nearby and we got caught in a downpour. We walked there instead of driving so by the time we got back…” Benji shook his head, remorseful. “I couldn’t get him to move off the couch last night, he basically conked right out. I’m pretty sure he had a fever, but I couldn’t find our thermometer to check.” _

_ “I’m sure Jenny has it stashed away somewhere totally nonsensical.” Rachel replied, only half paying attention. This wasn’t good timing at all - Evan was supposed to be leaving for summer camp next week and shortly after that she and Thomas would be heading off to Tucson for Thomas’s work conference. The last thing they needed was for him to be sick. _

_ But sure enough, she found Evan curled up on the couch in the den under a thick blanket, his clothes rumpled like he’d slept in them. And of course… Rachel sighed, seeing that he had on his nice blue shirt that he was supposed to only wear when they went out to eat at nice restaurants. God damnit she’d  _ told  _ him not to pack it. But he never listened. _

_ “Evan.” Rachel shook his shoulder, and he turned to face her, eyes cloudy. “Evan get up, we’re going home.” _

_ Benji was right - Evan did seem pretty out of it as he basically rolled off the couch. His skin was pale; his eyes and nose were red. She reached out a hand to touch his forehead, but it didn’t seem hot to her. Then again, whatever magic voodoo other moms used to test their kid’s temperatures with just a hand seemed to have skipped Rachel genes. Or they were just pretending that they knew what they were doing. _

_ It took forever to corral Evan to the door. By the time they got there, Benji already had Evan’s overnight bag ready. “Rachel I really am so sorry.” He said again, and Evan’s eyes darted over to look at him. “I feel like this is all my fault.” _

_ “Don’t be silly.” Rachel dismissed him, as always feeling just a little uncomfortable at how dedicated of an uncle Benji was. It never failed to make her feel just a little… inadequate. Like he and Jenny were secretly judging her for lacking their parental instinct.  _

_ “If I had been paying more attention to those storm clouds, we could’ve gotten in sooner and maybe Evan wouldn’t have gotten sick.” Benji wrung his hands, while Evan stared at him blankly. _

_ “It’s really fine, you can’t control the weather.” She assured him. “Evan, tell your uncle thank you and give him a hug goodbye.” _

_ Evan didn’t move. _

_ “Evan, don’t be rude.” Rachel huffed. When he got sick Evan would typically turn into the world’s biggest shit, and she wasn’t in the mood for it right now. _

_ “Probably just doesn’t want to get me sick,” Benji said smoothly, making an excuse for him like always. “It’s okay kiddo, come here.” He stepped forward and wrapped Evan in a quick hug. As he did, Rachel noticed that Evan was shivering - maybe he really did have a fever. _

_ She bid Benji goodbye, opening the door and following Evan as he darted outside. Recently Evan had been making it a habit of bellowing “SHOTGUN!” at the top of his lungs whenever they were going somewhere - even if there was nobody else in the car. This time, to Rachel’s surprise, he climbed into the back and curled up again.  _

_ Rachel buckled herself in, starting to feel a little uneasy. “I have to run some errands,” She told him, trying to make eye-contact in the rearview mirror. “Are you going to survive through them?” _

_ Evan poked his head up. “Please - can we just go home?” He croaked out at her. _

_ He sounded so wretched that Rachel almost wanted to oblige him. But… “I wish I could just drop you off, but it’s Sunday and most of these places are closing soon.”  _

_ Despondent blue eyes stared back at her and she felt herself caving a little. _

_ “How about this: I do the errands that close early, then drop you off and finish the rest of my errands without you.” _

_ Evan resumed the armadillo position that she’d found him in on Benji’s couch and a muffled “okay” drifted from the backseat. _

_ Rachel went about her errands as quickly as she could. She felt guilty for leaving him in the car but she left the air conditioning on and he’d refused to come in with her anyway.  _

_ When she finished picking up their dry-cleaning and opened the backseat so that she could hang up some of Thomas’s thicket coats, Rachel was alarmed to hear sniffling. _

_ Evan was  _ crying.

_ “Oh honey.” Rachel fought back the impulse to pull him into her arms. It was probably another ADHD meltdown, compounded by the fact that he was sick. Coddling him was the last thing that he needed. “Look, just one more errand and then we’ll go home. And you can take some medicine and go to sleep in your bed. We’ll be done soon, I promise.” _

_ But by the time they got home, Rachel was beginning to feel a trickle of alarm. Even though Evan was always miserable when he got sick, she'd never seen him like this before. He seemed completely shut down, looking almost lost when she guided him upstairs toward his room.  _

_ “Do I need to tuck you in?” She asked, mostly joking because Evan had grown out of that a long time ago. He didn’t answer verbally, instead burrowing himself under the covers as he tucked into a fetal position, staring at the wall away from her.  _

_ “Alright, I’ll be back in a bit.” Rachel set down the cordless phone she’d snagged from the kitchen while she’d gotten medicine for Evan. “Call my cell if you need anything.” _

_ She turned to leave, but was stopped by a faint and wavering: “Mom?” _

_ Rachel turned around. Evan had tilted his head back toward her and her heart broke when she saw how small and scared he looked. “Can you - can you stay please?” _

Something’s wrong.  _ A high, panicked voice in the back of her head told her.  _ Something’s very, very wrong.

_ She shook it away. That was just the anxiety talking. Nothing was wrong - she’d just checked Evan’s temperature and it was perfectly normal. He just had a bit of a cold from being out in the rain, everything would be fine. _

_ “I’ll be back in an hour.” Rachel promised. “And if you really need me, just call me and I’ll be at most fifteen minutes away. But I have to go finish my errands.” _

_ Evan stared back at her, betrayal swimming in his eyes. _

_ “Don’t give me the puppy dog eyes.” She scolded, recognizing the ploy. It was mostly Maddie’s fault - she’d been the most susceptible to them when Evan was little and had enabled their weaponization. “I’ll be back soon, you’ll be fine.” _

_ As Rachel left, closing the door firmly behind her, she didn’t know if she was talking more to her son or to herself. _

* * *

Buck had to admit, the view was spectacular. 

They had been dragging the lounge chairs by the pool as far away from the house toward the edge of the cliffside, so that they wouldn’t be a fire hazard that endangered the house they were currently securing. As they’d been doing so, break time was called, so Buck and Chimney immediately took advantage of the lounge furniture to take a quick fifteen minute nap.

Unfortunately the fifteen minute nap had only been ten minutes because Buck was startled awake by the sound of a distant explosion. Unable to go back to sleep, he was now settling for staring across the valley at the burning mountainside.

“I think that’s where the trail Albert and I were going to go hiking on was.” Buck commented, half-delirious as his eyes traced a ridge-line of trees that looked like they’d caught fire -  _ crown fire,  _ his mind supplied.

Chimney grunted more than spoke. “What?”

“Albert and I had a rain-check for a hike.” Buck explained. “I think the trail he wanted to check out was over there.” He pointed at the smoke covering the horizon. 

“Well, you know what they say about seizing the day,” Now fully awake, Chimney adjusted his position so that his arms were pillowed behind his bed. “Carpe diem and all that shit.”

Buck squinted at him. “I don’t know how you’re so alert,” He accused. “I got like two hours of sleep the last three days. I’m five seconds away from dropping on my face.” 

Chimney snorted. “Are you kidding? This is the most sleep I’ve gotten in weeks. I feel like I’m on vacation.” A guilty look crossed his face. “Hope Maddie’s okay.”

“Yeah.” Buck thought about Maddie, and then because Eddie lived in his head rent free 24/7, his contemplation shifted over to Eddie and the missed call he hadn’t been able to return since service had been  _ abysmal  _ even at base camp. He’d spent days wondering what that missed call was about - did it have anything to do with the last conversation they had? Or was it just something minor, like Eddie asking for a favor. 

Maybe he needed Buck to babysit Christopher while Eddie took Ana out on a proper date.

A short whistle had both of their heads snapping over to the side yard.

“Buckley, you think this is the  _ Four Seasons?”  _ Captain Deluca called over, evidently not noticing or caring that Chimney was laying right next to him. “Break’s over, get back to work.”

Buck bit back the retort that was on his tongue, knowing it was no use. He and Chimney had been lucky enough to be assigned together, but they’d been stuck with Sal Deluca as their team leader and to say it was a bad match would be an understatement. There was at least a touch of respect with the way that he talked to Chimney, probably in deference to their years of working together and him not being stupid enough to underestimate Chimney’s skills.

But he fucking hated Buck from day one.

It was partially his fault, because Buck was used to the relaxed  _ “everybody gets to have an opinion regardless of rank”  _ style of Bobby’s command and he’d probably been a little too vocal about questioning Deluca’s instructions early on. Which Deluca had not appreciated. 

But seriously, Buck swore the guy had it out for him before he even opened his mouth. There was just  _ something  _ about the way Deluca looked at him that made him think this guy would be happy if he just fell off the face of the mountain.

He also called him  _ Golden Boy,  _ which Buck really hated. Chimney said it had to do with Bobby and Deluca’s resentment over getting fired, which apparently translated to him thinking that Buck getting fired and then rehired as a Probie made him Bobby’s favorite or something. Which was not only stupid, but also Buck wondered why Deluca was still hung up on it - he was the captain of his own station for fuck’s sake! He’d gotten what he wanted. Why did he still have to act like a dick about it?

“C’mon.” Chimney tugged on his arm. “Let’s go earn our OT.”

Buck groaned and heaved himself off the lounge chair.

“Livin’ the dream!” He whooped.

* * *

_ “And we’re getting reports now that while the fire did burn several houses in Carbon Beach last night, a combination of the changing Santa Ana winds and the efforts of first responders both on the ground and in aircrafts helped reverse its course.” _

_ “No word yet on whether any celebrities have lost their homes, although we did get word that Ellen DeGenerous and several other celebrities had to evacuate last night, many of them likely having to leave their valuables behind.” _

_ “It’s sad to think about how many priceless articles have probably been lost-” _

Maddie snatched the remote from the coffee table and turned it off.

“Maddie don’t be rude, I was watching that!” Rachel protested, holding her hand out expectantly for Maddie to hand her the remote back.

“I have a headache, I really don’t want to hear about which celebrities might have lost their mansions right now.” Maddie snarked back at her, keeping her voice low so that she didn’t bother Gwen, who was sleeping in the next room. 

“Well forgive me on wanting to stay informed.”

_ That makes two of us.  _ For the millionth time that day, Maddie checked her phone even though she knew a message or call wouldn’t have come in the last few minutes. 

Months ago, Chimney had put his name on the list for LAFD’s wildfire strike teams. They’d talked about it extensively - it was dangerous work, but not much more than the structure fires or vehicle collisions scenes he worked regularly, and the pay was good. The idea had been if he was called up it would almost definitely be before Gwen was born, and it would give them a boost to help cover their added expenses.

But his name hadn’t been picked for any of the fires in northern California all season, and Maddie had honestly forgotten about it until the Malibu fire had hit a few days ago. 

Then, not only was Chimney quickly summoned for duty, but so had Buck - who Maddie hadn’t even realized put his name on the list. Luckily they’d been assigned to the same strike team, which mobilized quickly and deployed for duty the night that the fire broke out. The rest of the 118 had remained behind, responsible for addressing typical LAFD jurisdiction emergencies. 

As much as Maddie hated her boyfriend and brother being out there without the rest of the team to watch their backs, she was glad they at least had each other.

Meanwhile… Maddie was home with a baby and her mother driving her up the fucking wall.

“I can’t believe it’s been days and it’s only at fifteen percent containment.” Rachel commented. She’d called Maddie up with an offer to stay with her as soon as she found out about Chimney and Buck’s deployment. And Maddie, who’d been exhausted to the point of tears, had taken her up on it. But now as she watched her mother aggressively fold a sock into quarters, she was beginning to regret that decision.

Maddie sank down into the armchair and tilted her head back, wishing she could just get a minute of peace and quiet. “A lot of it is dependent on the winds.” She explained tiredly. “And they’re low on resources because of the fires up north.”

“But the 118 is still in LA, correct?”

“Yes, because traffic accidents and heart attacks don’t stop just because there’s a massive wildfire up in Malibu. Although Hen did say she thinks they might be called to rotate up there pretty soon.” 

“Hen - that’s Howie’s friend who’s applying for medical school, correct? She wants to be a surgeon?”

“That’s correct,” Maddie answered with her eyes closed, not really knowing or caring where her mother was going with this.

“I wonder if that’s something Evan or Howie would be interested in.”

It took Maddie several seconds to process that her mother had seriously just suggested that Chimney and Buck would want to go to medical school to become  _ surgeons.  _ When the thought did click, she started laughing without even opening her eyes.

She heard Rachel huff. “You’re going to wake your daughter.”

Maddie fell quiet, eyes snapping open as she guiltily grabbed at the baby monitor. But Gwen didn’t so much as turn over in her sleep. “I’m sorry, I’m just trying to picture Buck standing still through a ten hour surgery.” He got stir-crazy just being cooped up in the  _ station,  _ he’d hate being trapped in an OR.

Rachel huffed. “I’m not necessarily saying they’d have to be surgeons, I mean just go to medical school. Or even nursing school.”

_ “Even  _ nursing school?” Maddie raised her eyebrows in challenge.

Her mother’s mouth opened like she was going to argue, before snapping shut as she apparently took a second to consider Maddie’s point. “You’re right.  _ Or  _ nursing school, not even.”

It was a small victory, but Maddie would take it. “I haven’t heard either of them mention wanting to go to school. And they’d have to do a lot more schooling than Hen will, since neither of them have their bachelor’s degree. Honestly I can’t see either of them wanting to do that, especially Chim since we’ve got Gwen to think about now.” 

“Well, your father and I could help with that.” Rachel said, as if it were nothing. 

“That’s really generous, but -”

“Maddie, can you think about it before you turn me down?” Rachel scolded her. “Education is important.”

“It’s a very generous offer and I will mention it to Chimney.” Maddie amended her original response. “But he  _ is  _ educated, mom. He has his paramedic accreditation. And obviously I can’t speak for Chimney or Buck, but I just don’t think either of them would want to go back to school.  _ Maybe  _ if Buck wanted to become a paramedic he’d go to school for that, or they might want to take some certification courses. Neither of them have mentioned wanting to change career paths though. They love their jobs, even if you and dad might not think they’re the most lucrative or  _ prestigious-” _

“Who said anything about money?”

“You think I don’t pay attention to all dad’s little side comments about Chimney’s job?”

“The father of your child and your brother are in the middle of a dangerous wildfire and you think I’m worried about  _ money?”  _ Rachel cut in, an edge of hysteria on her voice. “Maddie, wake up! You have a daughter now, and that is the only thing that matters. Having a job you love isn’t important if it’s at the expense of your children. Doing a job that dangerous when you have people counting on you? It’s - I’m sorry. It’s selfish.”

Maddie’s hackles raised. “Selfish?” She repeated. “You want to talk about selfish?”

Rachel scoffed. “Madeline trust me there isn’t anything you could say to me that I haven’t said to myself a million times.” She sneered, but all of her animosity was clearly directed inward. “I am telling you as someone who started learning from her mistakes far too late, you need to put your children first. Because if you keep telling yourself that there’s always tomorrow, eventually there won’t be.”

There was a time when Maddie would’ve given anything to hear something like that from her mom. When she’d been growing up, even when she was in college and her twenties… it was all she could not to shake at her parents and scream,  _ “Your children are here. We’re here and we need you!”  _

Sometimes in her darker moments she wondered if things would’ve been different with Doug if her parents had been more there for her. If they’d had a closer relationship, if she felt like she could rely on them more, would she have let Doug drive such a deep wedge between them until she was cut off from everyone she knew and trusted? It was questions like that which had made it difficult for Maddie to let her parents back into her life at all.

But her child would already grow up without one set of grandparents, thanks to Chimney’s father’s selfishness. At least her parents were trying. At least her mother was  _ here _ . At least she cared, in her own broken way.

Maddie took a deep breath. “I appreciate what you’re saying, but you’re wrong. Everyone has someone counting on them. There are fathers and mothers and uncles and children out there who need help. Someone needs to help them. Everyone has someone counting on them but for Howie? For Buck? Hell -for any first responder?  _ Everyone  _ is counting on them. And that’s not selfish. It’s the furthest thing from selfish.”

Her mother’s face pinched and Maddie realized that she was on the verge of tears. “I’m sorry, I’m just - I’m scared. I’m always scared. I’m not - I’ve never been one of those mothers who can  _ sense things,  _ you know? I can’t tell when my kids are in danger or in  _ pain  _ and so now I’m just - unless I’m with you I just assume the worst. And I know you don’t want to hear that because you just think I’m trying to guilt you into spending time with me, but it’s the truth. I spent years ignoring the worst, with Doug and with Benji and now I just have to assume that something horrible is happening unless my kids are right in front of me. ”

Tired, and stressed, and already hanging by a thread, Maddie broke.

She moved to the couch and pulled her mother into her arms, tears streaming down her face as they both collapsed into muffled sobs, trying to stay quiet in order to keep Gwen’s peace undisturbed. Maddie shook, from fear and uncertainty at whether or not Chimney and Buck would make it home safely, and from years of pain and resentment and a desire for unconditional love and protection that everyone seemed to get except for her.

“It’s going to be okay.” Maddie whispered, as much for her mom’s sake as hers. “They’re gonna be okay. They’ll come home safe and sound, you’ll see.”

They  _ had _ to. 

* * *

“Alright we’re heading out!” 

Buck stopped from where he was clearing some shrubs out. He watched, confused, as the rest of the crew started heading back toward the engine. They’d barely been working at this little neighborhood in Topanga canyon for an hour, and had only just finished an initial sweep to check if anyone had ignored the evacuation order. This street was maybe half a day out from being caught up in the projected firepath, and they still had a ton of work to prep the houses in order to minimize property damage.

“Wha - what’s going on?” He caught Chimney by the arm as he approached his friend, watching as the rest of their team started packing up the trucks.

Chimney looked conflicted. He glanced over his shoulder at Deluca by the battalion truck and told Buck in a low voice, “I overheard Deluca getting a call from the chief. We’ve been requested to go protect a property at the Palisades.”

“The  _ Palisades?”  _ Buck echoed in disbelief. “But that’s nowhere near the firefront! Has the wind shifted or something?”

“No.” Chimney’s face was grim. “I think the request came from high up.”

“Higher than the chief?”

_ “High  _ up.” He stressed. “Like not in the department anymore high up.”

Buck looked around at all the houses that were still surrounded by shrubbery, their gutters full of gunk. “That’s not right. These people deserve to have their homes protected too.”

“Buck-” Chimney warned, probably recognizing the look on his face, but Buck refused to be stopped, pushing past his friend toward Deluca and Robbin, his second-in-command. 

Deluca already looked fed up as Buck approached him. “I don’t have time to hold your hand right now Golden Boy, we’re heading out in T-minus five.”

He ignored the jibe. “We’ve got like maybe an hour left of work, can’t some of us stay behind with one of the trucks and meet up with the rest of you at the Palisades?” He tried to bargain, frustrated at how Deluca immediately rolled his eyes without thinking about it. 

“Absolutely not, get your ass in gear  _ now.” _

“Deluca.” Chimney had joined them, standing shoulder to shoulder with Buck. “Some of these houses are going to go up like a tinderbox if we leave them like this. If maybe five of us stay behind with the engine we could secure everything.”

Bolstered by his support, Buck jumped back in. “Yeah! Trust me, we can join up with you guys well before the fire is even  _ close  _ to the Palisades, I guarantee it.”

“Oh, you guarantee it do you?” Deluca shook his head. “Didn’t realize that you controlled the weather.”

“C’mon we all know that going over there is a bunch of bullshit anyway.” He pushed. “We can’t just let all these people lose their homes because some rich asshole is worried about his mansion.”

“We’ve been ordered to leave, so we’re going to leave. And I don’t know how  _ Nash  _ commands his station, but when I order my guys to do something they fucking do it, without question.”

“Even if the orders are  _ wrong?”  _ Buck protested and Chimney’s hand shot out to grab his arm.

Deluca lost his patience. “Buckley, I’m not Nash. You can’t just undermine me and suck my dick later to make up for it.”

Buck reeled back, like Deluca had slapped him. 

_ “Woah, okay.”  _ Chimney’s grip on Buck’s arm tightened. Even Robbins looked shocked. “That was pretty uncalled for.”

“I don’t have time to play nice.” Deluca snapped. “We’re leaving in three minutes. Either your asses are on the truck, or we leave ‘em to crisp. Your choice.”

_ “Sal.” _ Chimney entreated him, and Deluca obviously didn’t like the first name basis if the way his eyes flashed were any indication. “We haven’t even finished all the evacuation protocols. We should at least stay to do a final sweep. If we’ve missed somebody who needs help and leave them behind, I guarantee that will be a bigger problem for you than if some politician’s house gets a little smoke damage.”

Now Robbins spoke up. “He’s got a point.” He admitted. “Better to cover our bases. Leave a few guys behind with a truck and some equipment, do a final sweep and finish clearing up the brush.”

“If anyone’s still here they’d have to be a fucking idiot.” Deluca muttered. 

“Or they could be deaf.” Buck pointed out hotly, recovered from his shock at what Deluca had said to him and now simmering with anger. He couldn’t believe that this guy was actually a captain. What an  _ asshole.  _ “Or injured. Or -”

_ “Okay.”  _ Deluca snarled at him. “Fine. You two,” He pointed at Chimney and Buck, “Can stay here and do whatever the fuck you want. I don’t give a shit. But I’m not leaving any of  _ my guys  _ here, and you just get the battalion truck and whatever’s on it. We’re taking both of the engines with us.”

_ Away from the fire.  _ Buck opened his mouth to argue and Chimney elbowed him in the side, shaking his head slightly. The message was clear: better not push their luck. Buck didn’t like it, but he knew Chimney was right. 

“Thank you.” Chimney told Deluca smoothly, much better at playing nice than Buck was. “We’ll meet up with you guys as soon as we can.”

“And when we get back to command, you bet your ass I’m writing you up for insubordination.  _ Both  _ of you.” Deluca packed up his gear off the truck, barking “C’mon Robbins!” behind him.

Robbins gave them a sympathetic look but headed off.

“Fucker.” Buck spat under his breath, his skin practically vibrating with rage. “Bobby’s would’ve  _ never-” _

“It doesn’t matter, we’ve got a job to do.” Chimney said and Buck inhaled deeply, refocusing back on the task at hand. “Let’s do a quick sweep and then at least get the rest of the gutters cleared.”

“But the shrubbery -”

“With just the two of us and without the proper equipment, that’ll take us hours and we don’t have that kind of time.  _ I know,”  _ Chimney added, clearly able to tell what Buck was thinking just from the look on his face. “But at least we’re able to do a little more than we would’ve anyway. Thanks to you.”

“Thanks to you too.” Buck told him, as they headed off toward the first house. It would be probably faster to split off but since there were only two of them it was more important than ever they stick together. “Seriously, thanks for having my back. I know he was your old teammate -”

Chimney laughed. “Buck, I’ve worked with you maybe a third of the time I worked with Sal, and I’d pick you any day of the week.” He said easily. “You, Eddie, Hen, Bobby… hell, most of the people at the station now are  _ miles  _ above almost anyone I worked with before you guys. I wouldn’t trade our crew for anything in the world. Besides, if you hadn’t said anything I probably would’ve. Leaving would’ve felt wrong.”

They got to the front door of the house and Chimney pounded on the door while Buck hollered, “Fire and Rescue! There is a mandatory evacuation for this area!” They listened and waited quietly, but there was no response. 

As they moved on to the next house, Buck found himself reflecting on Deluca’s words. “That thing Deluca said-”

“You can’t take it seriously.” Chimney replied immediately. “He used to make comments like that to the guys at the station all the time. It died down after he said something in front of Hen once - can’t remember what it was - but I remember how thoroughly she tore him apart. Only verbally, but he never said anything in front of her again. Guess there’s nobody to keep him in his place at the 122, unfortunately.”

“But where did that even  _ come from? _ ” Buck insisted, his skin prickling uncomfortably.

Chimney shook his head. “Nowhere, Buck. It has nothing to do with him thinking you’re actually gay, assholes like that just say that kind of shit to push other people down.”

“I don’t care if he thinks I’m gay.” Buck huffed, jogging up the driveway of the next house. Because really, who the fuck cared what some random asshole thought of his sexuality. “The part about  _ Bobby.  _ What the fuck was that?”

They paused their conversation to call and listen for any stragglers.

“It’s nothing.” Chimney resumed the discussion as they left the house. “He’s just jealous of Bobby, because he thinks he stole his station. And he knows how close we all are and just - the guy’s got issues, okay? You can’t let him get to you.”

“But nobody.” Buck paused, wincing as he asked, “I mean, nobody actually thinks that right?”

“Jesus christ,  _ no.”  _ Chimney shot him an appalled look. “C’mon Buck of course not.”

He was acting like it was a totally irrational question - and maybe it was. But Buck had never really been able to shed his reputation from his first few months of joining the 118 and rumors spread around the LAFD like… well, like wildfire. It also wasn’t the first time he’d been accused of receiving favoritism from Bobby (which was ridiculous. If anything, Bobby was  _ harder  _ on him because they were close). 

Nobody had ever made that leap before though and it burned at him uncomfortably. Chimney was acting like he should just shrug it off and Buck really wished he could. 

Unfortunately, he knew why it bothered him so badly. 

But this wasn’t the time or place to explain that to Chimney, or even to dwell on it. Right now they had a job to do, one that they could ironically  _ lose  _ their jobs over.

So Buck squared his shoulders and followed Chimney to the next house. As he did, he caught sight of something flashing in the reflection of Chimney’s helmet.

“Wait.” Buck’s hand shot out and he stopped his friend in his tracks. Chimney grunted in confusion, but stilled.

“Buck, what-”

“Hang on, there’s a light coming from somewhere.” Buck craned his neck, trying to locate the source. He kept glancing between Chimney’s helmet and the houses, calculating the angle and… “There.” He released his grip on Chimney and pointed to a window of one of the houses they’d just checked. “There’s something flashing over there.”

Chimney turned around and followed his gaze. “Power’s out…” He mused. “Could just be some malfunctioning battery-operated light but…”

They watched silently, both waiting to see if a specific pattern would emerge in the flashes.

Short. Short. Short. 

Long. Long. Long.

Short. Short. Short.

Buck and Chimney bolted toward the house.

* * *

As Eddie entered the command center tent, he was overcome with a wave of familiarity.

People were operating stations, barking orders into radios, analyzing maps and satellite footage. He felt like he’d been dropped back into Camp Dwyer and actually had to glance down at himself to make sure he was still in his LAFD uniform, not his army fatigues.

Bobby nodded at them to stay put. “I’m going to locate the incident commander and get our order,” He told his team before heading off.

Eddie craned his neck, trying to spot familiar faces in the sea of first responders.

“They probably won’t be here,” Hen told him, reading his mind easily. “I’m sure they’re out in the field right now.” 

“I know. Just checking.” Even if he knew they likely wouldn’t be working directly with the strike team Buck and Chimney were on, the high shriek that had been going off in Eddie’s head ever since he got a text from Buck that said  _ going to fire with strike team 1001 probably be out of touch for couple weeks  _ had finally died down into something more like a fire alarm without a battery that weakly chirped every few minutes. 

At least here he would be able to hear over the radio if anything happened, although Eddie hadn’t really taken the time to think about what he  _ would _ do if something happened. They’d never really be in a situation like this before, with part of their team under the command of another unit. He could only have faith in Bobby as his commanding officer and as someone who considered Buck and Chimney to be family.

If not… he’d made it this far without getting fired.

Hen’s hand made her way onto his shoulder and Eddie only realized he’d been tapping his foot when he stilled under her touch. He scolded himself silently.  _ Keep it together, Diaz. _

“Sorry,” He told her, because he knew he’d been pretty miserable to work with for the last several days. He’d been short and snappish and anxious and just… not himself. “I know I’m acting like…” Eddie trailed off, unsure how to put into words exactly  _ what  _ he was acting like. 

No. He knew how to put it into words. He’d been acting like he had more at stake than she did. But there was no way to say that to her without giving himself away.

“They’re your friends too.” Eddie said instead. 

Hen gave him an odd smile. “They are. But I know it’s not the same.”

He shook his head. “Chim’s your best friend.”

_ “Eddie…”  _ And there was something in her tone that made him freeze under her hand, feeling all the life drain from his face as he looked into her shrewd eyes. “It’s not the same. I know.”

_ I know. _

Eddie exhaled slowly.

She knew. Hen knew.

Somehow without him having to tell her, Hen knew. 

“I’m an idiot.” He told her, feeling absurd discussing this in the middle of a command center of a goddamn  _ wildfire.  _ “I’m such an idiot.”

“You’re not -”

“I tried to call him.” Eddie said. “I was actually going to  _ tell him.  _ But I guess the universe is trying to send me some kind of sign that it’s a  _ catastrophically  _ bad idea because…”

He gestured vaguely around them.  __

“Eddie, if we took every emergency as a sign that things aren’t going to work out, then literally none of us would ever be happy.” Hen’s lips twitched wryly. “There’s always going to be some disaster we have to deal with. It’s our  _ job.  _ But that’s why we have to - well, that’s why we have to seize the day. Tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone.”

_ Tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. _

The words were achingly familiar. Eddie had said them to Chimney when he was giving his friend advice on moving forward with Maddie. He’d been thinking of Shannon, how he always wished that he’d done  _ more.  _ Opened up to her more, supported her more, even just said  _ I love you _ more. 

Maybe then he could’ve been enough.

Eddie opened his mouth to respond, but his attention was caught by a flurry of movement over Hen’s head. The radio operators were frantically signalling the deployed units - apparently the fire had shifted east and was moving too rapidly to contain - and they needed to make sure that none of them were in the firepath. 

As Eddie approached, he heard one radio operator say, “One-oh-oh-one, what do you mean that your unit has split up?”

Hen, right behind him, bumped into Eddie as he came to a halt.

They were close enough to hear the responding answer,  _ “Two team members stayed behind to finish an evacuation sweep-” _

_ “Against orders.”  _ Chimed in a second voice that sounded familiar to Eddie - it was a thick east coast accent he couldn’t quite place. 

“Stayed behind where?” The radio operator asked.

_ “Waveview drive, Topanga Canyon.”  _ The first voice came back on. He sounded frantic.  _ “We’ve lost radio contact, we can’t get in touch with them.” _

Hen drew in a sharp breath in Eddie’s ear. 

He knew she was looking at the same thing that he was - the satellite images, which showed the fire rapidly engulfing Topanga Canyon.

Eddie also knew that if there was anyone who would argue against orders in order to stay and finish an evacuation sweep, it was Howard Han and Evan Fucking Buckley

“Eddie-” Hen said, but Eddie was already pushing past her toward the 118 Engine.

Well. He’d had a good run of not getting fired. 

Maybe it was time to break it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Major TWs for Flashback:  
>  Rachel’s POV of the morning after Buck is sexually assaulted. Because she is unaware there is no mention of the assault but it might be triggering so if you’re unsure please just skip it.  
> Benji is in the beginning of the flashback.  
> Some gaslighting - from Benji.  
> Bad parenting - from Rachel.**
> 
> TWs for the rest of the chapter:  
> California Wildfires!  
> A character makes a crass/homophobic insult.  
> Allusions to past domestic abuse  
> Allusions to past childhood sexual assault
> 
> General Notes:  
> Obviously I am not a wildfire firefighter (nor did I have the patience/motivation to sift through protocol manuals), so I have bent reality to fit this story/fill in gaps of things I don’t know.  
> The Palisades thing totally happened though, although it has of course been dramatized here.  
> In case anyone is unfamiliar, the signal at the end that made Buck and Chimney run toward the house was SOS in morse code, meaning that someone was signalling for help.


	18. The Witching Hour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> According to western christian folklore the hours between three and four am are when supernatural forces are most likely to gather. It is a time when witches, ghosts, and demons gather and is aptly named "The Witching Hour."
> 
> In wildfires, "The Witching Hour" refers to any time in the late afternoon when the sun is hot and the winds are high, causing fires to be dangerous, unpredictable...
> 
> ....and deadly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs at the end

_ According to western christian folklore the hours between three and four am are when supernatural forces are most likely to gather. It is a time when witches, ghosts, and demons gather and is aptly named "The Witching Hour." _

_ In wildfires, "The Witching Hour" refers to any time in the late afternoon when the sun is hot and the winds are high, causing fires to be dangerous, unpredictable... _

_....and deadly. _

* * *

One of the first things they’d been debriefed on once they landed on base camp was how they were prohibited from entering residences unless specifically invited by the tenants themselves.

But they were opting to take the flashing  _ SOS  _ signal as an invitation. Fortunately the back door was unlocked so there really wasn’t any breaking, just entering. Buck and Chimney quickly located the light as coming from the east side bedroom and entered the room.

It was both a relief to see an older gentleman in his seventies lying prone on the bed (they probably wouldn’t be fired)… and also not. 

“Sir, are you injured? Can you move? I’m going to check you over.” Chimney quickly moved to the man’s side, snapping into Paramedic mode while Buck followed at his heels, ready to assist in any way he could.

The man groaned, his throat thin and raspy like a lifelong smoker. “I’ve got a back injury. Heard you calling, but couldn’t move. Guess you couldn’t hear me either, so I used the lamp and -”

“We did see that, that was clever.” Buck told him.

“Is it a recent injury, or an older one?” Chimney asked, his hands moving quickly to assess the situation.

“Older. I fell a few months back, and you know, at this age... ”

Buck frowned, glancing out the window at the steep terrain. “And you’re living up here all by yourself?”

“I’ve usually got a nurse-aid staying with me.” The man explained. “Went to visit his extended family down in Guadalupe two weeks ago but I think he might have gotten detained at the border. Been trying to get through for the past week or so but that whole system is bullshit. And the last few days, phone lines have been completely down. Couldn’t even call anybody to help me evacuate.”

“Okay,” Chimney finished his check-up. “Looks like you’ve got a ruptured disk that’s still healing, correct? What’s your name sir?”

“Daniel, and you’re good.” The man - Daniel - started coughing, then groaned in pain. “Fuck, I’ve been out of my meds for days. Julian usually picks them up for me. God I hope he’s okay -”

He broke into another coughing fit. Buck noticed that his eyes were sunken.

"I'm sure he'll be fine." Buck tried to assure Daniel, even though he knew it was a false-promise. "Right now we've got to get you out of here, and then you can help your friend, okay?"

Chimney reached for his radio. “Base, this is Han from 1001. I’m at Waveview Drive in Topanga Canyon, we need an RA unit dispatched immediately. We’ve got a man with a ruptured disk injury showing signs of moderate to severe dehydration, need additional paramedics and transport.”

They waited for a response. Nothing.

Chimney tried again. “Base, this is Han from 1001. We need an ambulance at Waveview Drive, does anyone copy?”

Still nothing.

“I’m gonna keep trying, but something must be interfering.” Chimney said, and Buck frowned, moving to the window. Was it just him, or was the sky redder than it was before?

“Hang on, I’m going to check something.” He told Chimney and Daniel, running outside. 

Buck pushed open the back door, only for it to slam fully open against the house from the strength of the wind gust that nearly ripped the door - and his arm - off its hinges.

He looked in the direction of the wind, at the rapidly approaching black horizon.

Well... that wasn’t good.

* * *

Eddie rushed through base camp toward where they’d left the 118 engine, ignoring Hen’s voice calling out to him. There was nothing on his mind except the fire that was about to be right on top of Buck and Chimney, and getting to them before the fire did. 

Luckily the engine was still running as they’d been expecting to ship out pretty quickly after they were debriefed. Eddie didn’t have a lot of experience driving the rig: that was usually Tom’s designated task, and when he was unavailable someone like Tanika or Buck was always quick to volunteer. 

So he wasn’t particularly excited to drive it through twisting and turning canyon roads that were potentially aflame, but Eddie also didn’t see any other option.

“Really, Eddie?” Hen puffed out at him as he swung up into the driver’s seat, but she clambered into the passenger’s seat right next to him. “This is - this may be the dumbest thing we’ve ever done.”

“Maybe.” Eddie agreed, running through the checklist in his head and quickly adjusting his mirrors - Tom was a big guy. “You don’t have to come with me.”

“Shut up.” She told him, without any real heat behind it. “Of course I’m coming with you, was that really a question?”

“I don’t know.” A third voice called out to them, and both their heads snapped over to see Bobby striding towards them, his arms crossed over his chest, the rest of their team behind him. “I for one have a lot of questions.”

Eddie was struck by the sudden insane desire to drive off into the mountains, squealing tires and all. He caught a glance at Tom’s thunderous face, which promised immeasurable pain if Eddie put one scratch on his precious rig, and decided to hold off on that instinct for the time being.

He didn’t get out of the truck either though.

“Cap-” Hen started, but Bobby cut her off, coming to a stop right outside Eddie’s window.

“We’ve been dispatched to Topanga Canyon.” He informed them, his tone inviting absolutely no nonsense. “It’s a rescue mission - two big-hearted dumbasses who don’t like to follow orders need an extraction. I’m sure you guys can relate.”

Eddie’s mind raced, sagging with relief when he realized what Bobby was saying. “We’re going to get them?” He confirmed. “But - how did -”

“I was talking with the Incident Commander when we overheard the call on the radio.” Bobby cocked his head, looking almost  _ amused.  _ “Then I turn around to go get my crew and they tell me you’ve ran off. Now Eddie, would you rather you or Tom drive?”

Eddie and Hen looked at each other, before scrambling to get out of the truck.

Within thirty seconds, they were reconfigured with Eddie and Hen at the back along with Ari and Martin, while Tom drove them up into the mountains, grumbling under his breath.

“Wow.” Ari looked between the burning hillside and Eddie and Hen in amazement. “You guys were really ready to risk it all, weren’t you?”

Hen reached out to pat Ari on the shoulder, her other hand squeezing Eddie’s tightly.

“Welcome to the 118, kid.”

* * *

_ Whoops,  _ thought Buck as he smashed in the glass window backdoor of the house that they’d fled to and reached in to turn the knob.  _ Now we’re actually breaking and entering. _

Immediately a shrieking alarm went off and Chimney made a face.

“Great. Maybe the cops will come.”

After being unable to get in contact with command - or anybody - back at Daniel’s house for several minutes and the fire rapidly approaching them, they’d had no choice but to transport Daniel in the battalion truck. Very quickly, the landscape around them had turned into a  _ hellscape.  _

Buck usually loved getting the opportunity to drive to and from an emergency, feeling the adrenaline pump through his veins and passing all the other cars and getting to be as aggressive as he wanted. But this was on another level: it was almost like being in a video game, where one side of the road was full of dancing flames, and the other side dropped off into oblivion. 

Except he’d been on enough scenes of canyon road crashes to know that if he went over the side they wouldn’t just float in space before respawning back on the pavement. There would just be a long, drawn-out painful death.

Almost inevitably, their high-speed death chase had been derailed by falling debris. Just as they’d been deciding whether or not to risk barrelling through it, one of their tires had blown out. 

So now they were here, at a house all the way at the top of the mountainside that they’d deemed safe enough to hunker down in for a while. The ground around it was totally clear, so even if the fire did reach them here they would likely be safe, if a little toasty.

Buck and Chimney got Daniel settled in one of the beds. The older man’s face was ashy, and he hadn’t been coherent for some time. They didn’t have any IV drips with them unfortunately, and when they tried to get him to drink, the water just dribbled out of his mouth.

“I don’t like this.” Chimney told Buck lowly in the doorway, eyes dark as he glanced at Daniel over his shoulder. “He said he hasn’t been able to get out of bed for days - I don’t think he’s had anything to drink for at least thirty-six hours, and all this smoke isn’t helping anything. And who knows how long we’re gonna have to wait it out here.”

Buck snuck a peak at the sky out the window, his face falling. “I don’t think conditions are gonna pick up anytime soon.” He said, rubbing a hand over his sooty face. “Radio interference is probably going to be bad for a while. Should we try moving him again?”

“I don’t think we  _ can  _ move him again.” Chimney stressed. “At this rate, we’re gonna need to  _ airlift  _ him out, but of course we can’t get a fucking signal-”

“What if we could?” Buck said slowly as the idea came to him. “Or, what if  _ I  _ could?”

Chimney frowned for a moment before he got what Buck was saying.

“No. Absolutely not.”

“You’re the paramedic, you need to stay here with Daniel-”

“Buck, no, we’re not splitting up. It would be way too easy for you to get lost out there without radio comm.  _ Fuck.”  _ Chimney’s hand jerked toward his hair like he wanted to run his fingers through it before he clearly remembered that he was wearing a glove. “God maybe we should’ve just stayed with the truck. At least it had a GPS device, if they’re looking for us I’m sure that’s what they’re following.”

But they’d had to go pretty far from it on foot, so even if a team did make it there they would probably still be out of radio range and -

“Wait.” Buck said excitedly. “That’s it. The truck! If I go back to the truck, maybe I’ll be able to get in range of someone looking for us. That’s our best option.”

“That’s  _ insane. _ ” Chimney hissed. “That’s suicide, is what that is. You’d be running back into the fire, most likely.”

“I mean, yeah, that’s what we sort of what we agreed to at the academy isn’t it? We run into fire all the time!"

“In full turnout gear.” Chimney pointed out, which yeah that was true. There were a lot of luxuries available to them in structure fires that just weren’t practical out here. Even as it was, Buck could already feel all his muscles aching - he couldn't imagine running up and down the mountain like they'd had with sixty pounds of gear strapped to his person.

“You said it yourself, we can’t risk moving Daniel again.” Buck said in a low voice. “We’re gonna need to airlift him out. Trust me I don’t want to split up either but this is our best shot Chim.”

Chimney’s eyes closed as he squeezed the bridge of his nose, the stress pinching his shoulders closer and closer together. Finally they sagged as he clearly came to some kind of conclusion. “Okay.” He said, opening his eyes and staring Buck down. “But I swear to fucking god if you let anything happen to you I’m going to kick your ass when we meet up in the afterlife.”

“I’ll try not to let that happen then.”

“I’m being serious. If you die it’ll put a huge damper on the wedding.”

Buck rolled his eyes, used to Chimney’s jokes about his future wedding by now. “What wedding? You haven’t even-”

“As soon as we get back I’m bringing the ring I have hidden in my station locker home and proposing to Maddie.” Chimney said with a completely straight face. 

“What?” Buck’s jaw dropped open and he gaped at Chimney, waiting for the punchline. “Are you serious? You  _ are  _ proposing?”

“I decided the first night we got out here.” His friend admitted. “You only live once, right? And what’s the point in worrying about thinking we’re only doing it because we just had a baby, or because people expect us to, when all that matters is how we feel about each other and-”

Buck launched forward, nearly tackling Chimney to the ground in a hug. “We’re going to be brothers!” He exclaimed, his excitement temporarily overcoming the base level of dread that was blanketing his brain. 

“I mean Maddie still has to say yes-”

“She will.” Buck predicted, pulling back. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to her.”

“But even without Maddie… you know you’re my brother anyway.” Chimney told him seriously. “So you’d better not burn to death or - I mean it. I will haunt you  _ so hard  _ in the afterlife -”

He sounded like he was on the verge of tears and Buck pulled him into another hug, feeling both of them shaking from the weight of their fear and uncertainty. He knew what it meant for Chimney to call him his brother - his reluctance to let even his biological sibling in after Kevin’s death. It was amazing how even after everyone Chimney had loved and lost that he was still as open as he was. 

“You’re my brother too.” Buck mumbled, pushing back his own tears. “Since - since before Maddie. Since the rebar, probably. Even in the beginning, when I was just an annoying kid you were my friend and -”

“Hey  _ nope.” _ Chimney pushed him away abruptly, a fierce look on his face. “That is  _ exactly _ how someone who is about to go off and die would talk, so I think it’s time to cut this short. I’ll see you later.”

In spite of the situation and the anxiety thrumming in his veins, Buck laughed. “Alright, point taken. I’ll see you later.”

And without another word, he grabbed his gear and left.

* * *

“Alright, we’re a couple miles out from where the location indicated by the 1001’s battalion truck GPS signal.” Bobby told them over the comm from the front, “We’re going to have to work fast so I want everyone ready to move.”

Barely twenty minutes after they’d started to drive toward their destination, they’d gotten a message from command letting them know that the battalion truck Buck and Chimney had stayed behind with was on the move, heading back down the canyon and away from the fire. So they were now heading to hopefully meet up with them, and provide any medical support that was needed.

It was surreal, driving along the mountainside with the sky totally orange from the smoke. Like they were travelling directly into hell. Eddie drummed the fingers of his glove against his knee, trying to keep his mind focused on the task at hand. 

They needed to run in there, find Buck and Chimney, and get them to safety. That was it. That was the only thing that mattered, and the only possible outcome. Normally he was good at preparing himself for the worst case scenario, a realist to the end, but not this time.

There was only one scenario, because Eddie refused to accept any scenario where they were dead or horribly injured. That wasn’t going to happen today.

_ “118, 118, do you copy? This is Calfire 404, requesting comm.” _

Bobby reached for the radio. “This is Captain Nash of 118, I read you 404.”

_ “Captain Nash, we’re above the 1001 battalion truck’s location and the area is completely overtaken by flames.” _

Eddie’s glove dug into his thigh.

“Do you see the truck?” Bobby asked the air support team.

_ “Negative, the smoke is too thick. The GPS signal appears to be stationary.” _

“Copy, we’ll try to get closer.” Bobby replied, his voice clenched.

The inside of the engine was silent for a few moments before Ari broke it. “What does that mean?” The probie asked them with wide eyes. “Does that mean they’re d-”

“Don’t say it.” Eddie snarled at him, and Hen shot him a look. He cleared his throat, forcing the stress back down. “Sorry, just - no. We’re not gonna think like that.”

“They could’ve hunkered down in the truck.” Hen posited. “Or found shelter nearby. We don’t know.”

“Exactly.” Bobby agreed. “So we’re just going to get as close as we can and then we -”

But right as they rounded the corner Tom had to slam on the breaks.

A huge, literal snag had fallen directly across the road, completely cutting off their path.

They stared at it in horror.

“Well fuck.” Tom spoke for them all.

* * *

Buck raced down the mountainside back toward the truck, trying out his radio every few seconds to see if he was at least getting to the edges of range. The smoke was thick and he’d never missed being in full turnout more as he tried his best to keep his mouth covered, his eyes stinging and blurring the edges of his vision.

He wasn’t sure if he was heading in the exact right direction toward the truck, but felt confident that he’d hit the road at some point. And once he was there, his odds of getting in contact with someone would increase.

Assuming that they’d actually come to save them at the truck like he was counting on.

Buck shook the thought out of his head, scrambling quickly across the terrain. Deluca might not give a shit about them, but the other firefighters wouldn’t leave them behind. And he knew that the 118 were supposed to be shipping out today - there was no way any of them would just write him and Chimney off as dead, especially not Bobby, Hen, or Eddie.

He had to come to a stop, his lungs burning as he nearly choked on the smoke. God, it was - was it getting thicker? Jesus christ had the wind shifted again, was he -

Buck turned around and almost fell backward in panic. 

The fire had changed direction again, and was coming straight back toward him and it was already  _ way  _ too close. He could see it maybe half a mile away, jumping ahead of the surface fire from tree canopy to canopy - fuck, it was  _ crowning.  _

He pumped his legs as fast as he could, really wishing that he could just deposit his pack but knowing better. If things really went to shit there was at least one thing in there that he would desperately need.

Buck burst through a gap in the tree line, an inexplicable clearing on the mountainside offering him a brief respite that he was tempted to take but the most important thing was outpacing the fire and -

He skid to a stop, horrified.

Because there was another wall of fire racing toward the next tree-line.

In a few minutes, this entire clearing would be surrounded.

He was trapped.

In an almost trance-like state, Buck reaches into his pack to pull out his fire shelter. As he did, he tried to squash the Incident Commander’s words as she debriefed them on when to use them.

_ This is an absolute last resort. In the entire history of wildfire fighting in the United States, firefighters have only had to deploy these babies 1,200 times.  _

_ But only forty-one deaths,  _ Buck reminded himself, so that he didn’t panic as he unfurled the aluminium material.

_ Hopefully it’s not about to become forty-two. _

He squeezed face-down under the mound, curling in on himself - it was more than long enough, but cramped on the sides, and Buck focused on making sure the material was securely pinned down on all sides.

It was about to be hotter than hell outside.

Soon, the sound of the roaring fire surrounded him and Buck squeezed his eyes shut out of instinct more than any practical purpose. There was nothing to see anyway, only hear. 

If he pretended, he could almost imagine that the crackling and snapping all around him was just a Yule log. Like one giant, furious Christmas fireplace that he had stuck his entire body into.

The air began to heat up inside the shelter and Buck could feel the sweat practically evaporating off his body. He wished he’d had time to grab his canteen but knew better than to reach for it now. The winds outside were picking up dramatically and Buck was afraid if he moved that the entire shelter would be immediately whipped away from his body. He tried focusing on breathing -  _ the air is cleanest on the ground,  _ Buck could hear his fire academy instructor barking at him and just breathed in and out in and out and -

What he wouldn’t give for a goddamn Tsunami right now.

Holy shit this was unbearable. The material of the shelter had started heating up like tin foil in a microwave and Buck knocked his glove against it, sure that some embers had to have fallen onto it. But it didn’t do any good and the fire shelter was just getting hotter and hotter and he was just going to fucking  _ roast _ in this mini oven he’d created for himself and he just needed a breath, just a peek outside and -

_ You’ll think you’re dying.  _ The wildfire firefighter had said when they’d covered this at the academy.  _ And that’s normal. You’ll think it can’t be any worse, but it’s 100x worse outside. Everything inside will be screaming to get out, but the second you do that you’ll breathe a lungful of that hot smoky air and you’ll suffocate.  _

_ Stay inside.  _ Buck repeated to himself, starting to cry silently to himself.  _ Stay still. Don’t move.  _

_ The pressure was everywhere, dragging him under. All he wanted to do was break free to the surface but he was trapped, his lungs feeling like they were about to collapse in on themselves if he couldn’t get a slight reprieve. He was clawing his way to the surface, trying to get even just the smallest breath of air, but the current was dragging him down, down, down… _

Don’t move.

_ His leg was burning. Crushed. He felt weak and pitiful, trapped under an immense weight, unable to get free. Terrified to move, watching the finger of some unstable teenager shaking, the only thing stopping him from burning alive. Then there were people around him, trying to pull him free and Buck hadn’t even realized it was possible to be in so much pain. He screamed in agony, fingers digging desperately into the latex material of Eddie’s glove, probably drawing blood with his fingernails, but there was just so much hurt, everything hurt, and he just needed to pull free, break free and… _

Don’t  _ move. _

_ All the air was running out of his lungs, totally cut off. He could feel the scratch of carpet against his toes, trying to find purchase, to push up against it so that his entire body weight wouldn’t be pulling down on his neck. The pain is blinding and white, his vision slowing becoming purple around the edges. He kicked out frantically, lashing out, desperate for escape, some kind of reprieve, he just needed to get free and… _

_ Don’t move,  _ Buck repeated to himself over and over again like a mantra, the roar of the fire outside nearly deafening now.  _ Don’t move, don’t move, don’t move… _

_ He was terrified to move, terrified to breathe. He just needed to stay still and pretend this wasn’t happening. He wasn’t here. He was somewhere else, the pain wasn’t real, none of this was real.  _

_ None of this is real. _

_ Don’t move. _

_ It’s not real. _

  
  


* * *

  
  


Years later, the firestorm stopped.

With shaking hands, Buck peeled back his fire shield. When he wasn’t immediately engulfed by remorseless flames he rolled over, chest heaving, and squinted up at the sky through his fogging helmet.

Even though it was still the middle of the day, the sky was black. Clumps of ash were trickling down, a snowstorm from some darker alternate universe. 

For a moment, Buck wondered if this really was hell.

Then, the smallest patch of sun cut through the angry cloud. Rays of light filtered across the sky, causing the falling soot particles to flash with brightness as they passed through.

Buck thought of Chimney, waiting for him to fulfill his promise and send help. Of Maddie, sitting at home with Gwen in her arms watching the news and worrying for her boys. Of Bobby and Hen, who would hopefully be tearing down the forest looking for them. Of Christopher, sitting either at school or at Eddie’s abuela’s house, expecting Buck to come back home and tell him about his adventures fighting wildfires.

And Buck thought of Eddie. 

_ The assembled search party was massive. _

_ The danger of the lightning storm had finally passed and they were gathering around as Bobby gave them instructions. Something about thermal cams and helicopters. Buck knew he was supposed to be paying attention, especially because Bobby said his name a couple times, but he just… couldn’t. Couldn’t pay attention, couldn’t think, couldn’t do anything. _

_ Couldn’t feel anything. _

_ He was probably in shock, Buck noted distantly. That made sense. The non-medical shock, obviously. His blood pressure wasn’t dropping, blood vessels not constricting to keep his vital organs going. It was just an adrenaline-response.  _

_ When he’d been trapped under the weight of an entire ladder truck, Buck had been pretty sure he was going to lose his leg. He’d been in so much pain he’d been seconds away from just begging them to cut it off. He didn’t know exactly what it felt like to lose a limb, but he’d come pretty damn close. _

_ People sometimes compared losing a loved one, losing a  _ partner,  _ to losing a limb.  _

_ If someone gave Buck the choice, he would have reached down and sawed his own leg off if it would bring Eddie back.  _

_ Bring Eddie  _ back. 

_ Because Eddie wasn’t with them anymore.  _

_ Now the USAR guy was talking. He was only doing his job but Buck had wanted to punch him in his face earlier when he was talking like Eddie was already dead.  _

_ Which Eddie was.  _

_ They all knew it. If they’d thought Eddie was still alive, they would’ve been out there in the storm searching for him, digging for them. But Bobby, and USAR, and everyone on the goddamn planet knew that there was no way even Eddie Diaz could survive forty feet of rocks and wet earth collapsing on top of him. _

_ Buck knew it now too. It had just taken him a few minutes to catch up. _

_ “... try to pick up Diaz’s heat signature.” _

_ “Won’t be easy.” A voice gasped out from the other side of the crowd. _

_ There was nothing familiar about that voice. It was hoarse and shredded, like a smoker’s cadence. Buck didn’t recognize it. _

_ His head still snapped over toward the sound and somehow he  _ knew.

_ A disheveled, muddy figure in a red wetsuit pushed his way forward as the assembled first responders parted for him. “I’m pretty cold.”  _

_ And there was no mistaking that signature Diaz sass. _

_ “Eddie!” Buck choked out, his body already launching forward, magnetically drawn toward Eddie’s side. Bobby was shouting something, some sort of directions Buck was pretty sure, but he couldn’t hear him above the pounding in his ears.  _

_ Buck grabbed onto Eddie’s arm, his heart expanding like a balloon in his chest as he pulled his friend up, his hand latching onto Eddie’s glove.  _

_ He couldn’t even believe it until Eddie turned and looked at him and holy fuck he looked like shit, eyes red-rimmed and skin blue.  _

_ But Eddie huffed out a relieved breath when he caught sight of Buck and he actually smiled a little and suddenly he looked beautiful and glorious and  _ alive.

_ “I’ve got a big day Friday,” Eddie was telling Hen as she pushed them toward the house so he could get checked out. “I can’t miss it.” _

_ Buck laughed, tears prickling on the corners of his eyes from the emotional whiplash of it all. Never before had he felt such pure ecstacy, his heart so full of joy and relief and love that he didn’t think he had the strength to contain it.  _

_ “Buck?” Eddie’s voice said, weirdly disconnected from his mouth. _

_ “I’m here.” Buck told him, sitting next to him for body heat and resisting the urge to wrap his friend in a hug and never let him go. _

_ But Eddie’s voice still sounded worried, and like it was coming from far away.  _

_ “Buck!?” _

Buck blinked his eyes open, shaking himself from the strangely vivid memory.

_ “Buck! Do you…” _

No, that was… that wasn’t just his imagination. It sounded almost like-

_ “... Buck? Chimney?...is Eddie… copy?” _

It was staticky and cutting in and out, but it was undeniably coming from the radio on Buck’s shoulder.

Buck scrambled for the radio with numb fingers, feeling tears prick at his eyes in desperation. “Eddie? Are you there?”

The response was immediate, his radio crackling to life.  _ “Buck, is that you?” _

A sob of relief burst out of Buck’s chest and he had to take a second before he pressed the button again. “This is Buckley responding.” He said into the radio as loudly as he could, hiccuping around his words. 

_ “Holy fuck. Thank god.”  _ Eddie said over the line, an edge of hysterical laughter in his voice. _ “Where are you? Is Chim with you?” _

“No he’s… he’s back at a house… I had to...” The combination of the fact that he was crying and the heavy smoke made it so he could barely get a few words out before dissolving into a coughing fit.

_ “Buck, where are you?”  _ Eddie repeated.  _ “I’m almost at the truck’s GPS location, had to walk on foot, road was cut off… Are you at the truck?” _

“I think…” Buck coughed again. “I think I’m near it. Hang on…” He enabled his  _ PASS _ device, mentally crossing his fingers that Eddie would be close enough to hear it. “Do you - do you hear that?”

There was a few moments of silence and then Eddie replied, voice heavy with relief.  _ “I hear it. I’m heading toward it. I think I’m maybe a few minutes out. Do  _ not  _ move, do you hear me?” _

Buck wasn’t entirely sure if he could, but he didn’t want to say that and make Eddie worry. There was still a part of him that didn’t really believe it, couldn’t believe that Eddie had really found him. He had to be dreaming, this was some kind of delusion, his brain conjuring up what he wanted to hear right before he passed out.

Except within just a few minutes there was the sound of leaves crunching in the distance and then someone was bursting through the treeline -

And suddenly all Buck could see was Eddie.

Eddie’s face, looking terrified, shouting out questions at Buck that he suddenly couldn’t process because all Buck could register was Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

He threw himself at Eddie, crying and shaking with relief. “I’m okay.” He wheezed out, knowing without even listening that was what Eddie needed to know. “I’m okay.”

But Eddie was pulling away, his eyes desperate with fear. “You’re sure? Nothing broken? You were just lying there, I thought -”

“I’m just tired.” Buck assured him, pulling Eddie back to him with shaking hands. “Just - I just need a minute.”

His words must have assured Eddie a little, because this time Eddie wrapped his arms around Buck’s back. “I thought - I thought -” Eddie was starting to choke over his words.

“Me too.” Buck admitted, chest heaving. “Holy shit, Eddie, I thought I was done for, I -”

_ “No.”  _ Eddie’s grip tightened around Buck’s back. “You’re not allowed. I  _ need  _ you, Buck. You’re my person and you’re not allowed to go anywhere. I can't lose you."

Buck knocked his helmet against the side of Eddie’s, wishing that he could bury his face into Eddie’s neck. “You’re my person too.” He repeated, as incapable of holding back the flood of emotions overcoming him as he was the tears that were falling onto his face shield like raindrops on a car window. “You’re - god, Eddie. You’re everything to me.”

They stayed there for a few moments longer, holding onto each other desperately as they kneeled in the middle of the forest clearing, ash falling around them. 

“Alright,” Eddie was saying, still refusing to let go. “We’ve got to get you to a hospital.”

“Hold on,” Buck pulled back a little to give Eddie a weak smile in spite of his exhaustion. “Got a couple stragglers to pick up first.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs:  
> Brief flashbacks to past traumatic events: tsunami, ladder truck explosion, strangulation, and rape (this last one is extremely vague but please be aware).
> 
> Dissociation
> 
> Past childhood abuse and sexual abuse
> 
> Near-death experience
> 
> Wildfire
> 
> Mention of someone being detained at the USA-Mexican border (we will revisit this in the future)


	19. Letting go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “... does this mean we have to invite Taylor Kelly to the wedding now?”
> 
> “She’d find a way to sneak a camera in there, you just know it.” 
> 
> “I could see her turning your dramatic proposal into a news story.” 
> 
> “It wasn’t dramatic. I didn’t even have the ring with me.” 
> 
> “Because your dramatic ass saw Maddie in the hospital waiting room and immediately dropped down on one knee! Soot and all!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs at the end. There is a relatively intense section this chapter (no flashback, but a therapy session), so please be aware!

_ “... a daring rescue through the hellscape of a burning mountain. Our own Taylor Kelly was able to grab a few words with Daniel Williams, who says that the brave actions of two hero firefighters saved his life.” _

_ “I’d totally given up. I thought I was done for. But luckily two firefighters had stayed behind to make sure they got everybody out and saw my light signal. They got me away from the fire and then one of them risked his life to find help, and they were able to airlift me out to a hospital.” _

_ “Wow, thrilling stuff, Daniel. Now, you said that the reason you were stranded on the hillside was because your nurse-aid was detained at the border by Border-patrol agents...” _

“It’s amazing how even two years later, she still finds a way to follow us.” Eddie commented, shaking his head. 

“At least this time she’s being useful.” Hen pointed out as she reached for the popcorn bowl on the coffee table.

The story had run last night and their phones had been blowing up about it all day, so they’d taken their dinner break as an opportunity to catch the rerun tonight. Eddie was squashed next to Buck on the couch and he could feel Eddie shaking his head at Hen’s comment - Eddie had never trusted Taylor, even before the LSD incident.

“It is weird how she got the story so fast.” Chimney mused, before turning to look at Buck with a question in his eyes. 

And suddenly there were three pairs of eyes pinning him down with varying levels of accusation.

“Woah, don’t look at me, it’s not like we still talk,” Buck held his hands up in defense, even if he weirdly  _ had _ spoken to her only a few weeks previously. But they didn’t need to know about Taylor propositioning him in the bar. 

“Well at least one good thing has come of this,” Hen said, scrolling through her phone. “#FreeJulian is trending on Twitter.” 

“Do you think the social pressure will be enough though?” Chimney mused.

Eddie shrugged, his mouth pinched. “I talked with Daniel at the hospital actually, got him in touch with a friend of my aunt’s who’s an immigration lawyer.”

“There’s also a GoFundMe.” Buck told them.

Chimney shook his head. “What I wouldn’t give to not live in a dystopia where people don’t have to throw mini fundraisers in order to pay medical bills and free people who are wrongfully imprisoned.” He muttered. 

“True, but at least there’s still people who care about doing the right thing.” Hen reminded him. “As long as we have that, there’s still hope.”

“Speaking of hope.” Bobby spoke up, drawing their attention to him. “I doubt Deluca will be happy that this story got to the news, because it throws a serious wrench in a certain vendetta of his.”

“Right.” Eddie brightened and nudged Buck in the arm. “They can’t fire you guys now, or even suspend you. It would be a huge scandal.”

Chimney, always a realist, had to point out: “Or, they’d just keep it out of the media like they did with the whole LSD thing.”

“I don’t know about that.” Bobby said lightly. “I think whoever leaked the story in the first place would feel morally obligated to keep Ms. Kelly informed of any future developments.”

Then he  _ winked  _ at them.

Hen found her voice first. “Bobby, I’m  _ shocked.”  _ She teased him. “Does this mean you’ve gotten over your hatred of the media?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Bobby said innocently, patting his legs and pushing himself off the couch. “I’ve got paperwork to do.”

Buck gaped after him, once again feeling a rush of gratitude to have a captain like Bobby. He couldn’t imagine where he’d be in his life if he’d been placed somewhere like the 122, with someone like  _ Deluca.  _ Didn’t want to think about the type of person he would be.

He dragged his attention back to his friends, where they were still talking about the news story, and couldn’t help the smile that lit up his face just at the sounds of their easy banter. 

“... does this mean we have to invite Taylor Kelly to the wedding now?” Chimney was joking.

“No.” Eddie said too quickly. “She’d find a way to sneak a camera in there, you just know it.”

“I could see her turning your dramatic proposal into a news story.” Hen agreed with Eddie. 

Chimney rolled his eyes. “It wasn’t  _ dramatic.  _ I didn’t even have the ring with me.”

“Because your dramatic ass saw Maddie in the hospital waiting room and immediately dropped down on one knee! Soot and all!”

“I can’t believe everyone got to see it except me.” Buck complained, still a little sour in spite of his excitement. “You couldn’t have waited a few hours until I was conscious again?”

“Hey you were the first to know, and it just felt right in the moment. Besides, you’re invited to the wedding, it’s not like we’re gonna pull a Bobby and Athena.”

Hen snorted. “You say that now, but once the stress of it really hits you-”

_ “I  _ can’t believe that you’re planning a wedding so quickly.” Eddie chimed in. “My sister’s been planning her wedding for two years.” He didn’t mention his own wedding, but Buck knew he and Shannon had kept it small and quick so they didn’t have to put up with the mutterings of  _ ‘shotgun wedding’  _ from relatives. In fact, Buck wasn’t sure if they’d even had a wedding reception.

“By the time Karen and I knew each other for two years, we’d already been married for a year.” Hen shrugged. “Sometimes when you know you just know.”

“Very true.”

“That reminds me,” Chimney turned his attention on Eddie and Buck fixated on his coffee. He had a feeling he wasn’t about to like where this conversation was going. “Are you planning on bringing Ana?”

Oh god. Buck wasn’t sure if he could handle the awkwardness of anyone else knowing about his  _ thing  _ with Eddie - whatever that  _ thing _ was, he wasn’t really sure - but in that moment he sort of wished he’d at least brought Chim in the loop. Catching Hen’s eye over his mug, Buck could tell she was sharing his thoughts. 

Eddie had been around a  _ lot  _ when Buck was in the hospital recovering from smoke inhalation and burn injuries sustained from the heat of the fire shelter. There’d been a few anxiety inducing days where Eddie had to head back out to the wildfire, but as soon as it was contained it was like Eddie had spent every spare minute of time he had with Buck. He and Christopher had practically taken over Buck’s hospital room, filling it with puzzles and games and the sounds of Disney movies playing out of Eddie’s laptop. 

It was… confusing. Especially because at one point Buck’s favorite nurse had referred to Eddie as his boyfriend. Buck hadn’t processed it quickly enough to correct her and it was only by the grace of god that she hadn’t said it in front of Eddie later.

He had almost forgotten that Eddie was dating Ana. Which was easy to forget, because Eddie never mentioned her and Buck wasn’t sure how he was finding time to date her between work, and his son, and keeping Buck company in the hospital. 

But now Chimney was bringing it up casually and Buck’s bubble of pretending that maybe this whole Ana thing had blown over was about to be burst. 

Buck was purposefully slurping his coffee so loudly that he almost didn’t catch Eddie’s response. “No it’ll just be me and Christopher.”

“Really?” Chimney pushed, while Buck’s head whipped around to look at Eddie. “You guys have been dating awhile. Are you worried we’ll scare her off?”

“No, that’s not it…” Eddie looked between them all, seeming to land on Buck for a few seconds longer than everyone else. “That didn’t work out. We’re not dating anymore.”

Buck set his mug down with a loud clatter. 

Hen just sipped her tea, her sharp eyes missing nothing.

“Oh no, really?” Asked Chimney in sympathy, completely unaware of the silent conversation Buck and Hen were having around him. 

“Why not?” Buck asked before he could stop himself. It sounded way more accusational than he meant it to. 

But Eddie couldn’t just  _ not be dating Ana anymore.  _ He made it sound so simple. 

_ That didn’t work out.  _

What the fuck did that even mean?

Eddie turned his attention fully to Buck. His gaze was dark and intense and it took all the self-control Buck had not to lean away from it… or lean in. 

“I have feelings for someone else.” Eddie said clearly, not breaking eye contact. “So it was never going to work out with Ana.”

Buck’s breath hitched.

Eddie couldn’t mean…

“Who?” He heard himself asking distantly. Because if Eddie just meant someone else entirely, Buck needed to know now. He couldn’t just sit here hoping and wondering. 

“I’ll tell you guys when they figure it out.” Eddie’s words were light, almost teasing? “They can be a little thick sometimes, so…”

“Hey guys!” Ari chirped, barrelling into the moment with all the delicacy of a bull in a china shop. “Man, it’s slow today huh?”

That earned a chorus of groans from the group. Chimney fully picked up his dinner roll off his plate and chucked it at the probie.

“Corner!” He said sternly. “We don’t tempt fate like that here-”

And of course, the bell went off, cutting Chimney off mid-sentence.

Ari looked chagrined as his head craned around.  _ “Seriously?”  _ He moaned and everyone pushed themselves up, racing toward the engine. 

Except Buck, because he was positive his legs had turned to jelly. He reached down and pinched his thigh, really expecting that to wake him up and the din of the bell to turn into his alarm clock. This had to be a dream.

“Buck.” He looked up to see Eddie reaching a hand down to him. 

There was a glimmer of hopefulness in Eddie’s eyes as he asked, “You ready?”

Buck took Eddie’s hand but didn’t answer, instead just silently leveraging himself up off the couch and leading the way toward the truck.

As he did, he felt the weight of Eddie’s expectant gaze burn into his back.

* * *

It was crazy how fatherhood had changed Chimney’s fridge. Back when Buck had been crashing with him, it had been full of beer and leftover takeout containers. Once Maddie moved in, fresh vegetables started making more frequent appearances, and a few more bottles of white wine populated the bottom shelf.

Now, it looked like the organic aisle of a Gelson’s.

After a few minutes of digging, Buck was able to find a bottle of normal-looking orange juice. He poured out two glasses for him and Maddie. Chimney was grabbing brunch with Albert, so Buck had Maddie and Gwen all to himself for the morning.

Buck put the bottle of orange juice back in the fridge and almost stepped away before his eye caught on something. 

It was a picture of him - a Christmas card of him, in fact. But it wasn’t this year’s edition with his arms around Hen and Eddie, Chimney lounging in the front striking a draw me like one of your French girls’ pose, and Bobby leaning out of the engine in the back with a goofy grin to go with the reindeer ears and red nose they’d wheedled him into donning. 

No, he was alone in this picture, which made it easy to identify as his first year at the station. Buck wondered why this was the one Maddie stuck up on the fridge, since the other ones all had Chimney in them too. 

He slid the card out from under the magnet and flipped it over, barely able to read his own unruly scrawl.

_ Hey Mads! _

_ You’ll notice this year’s Christmas card is a little different from my typical Davey Wayne’s postcard - that’s because I’m a firefighter now! Surprise! I’ve been at it for a few months and I think this is it. As cheesy as it sounds, I think this might be my calling.  _

_ Anyway, you should come out and visit soon! You can meet my team, they’re all really cool although this guy Chimney did send me driving all over town looking for the ‘Firehose Repair kit’ which turned out to just be him hazing me… but it’s fun. I think you’d like them. _

_ Including my number at the bottom (it’s the same one it’s been, just in case you lost it).  _

_ Hope you’re happy and well! _ _   
_ _ Buck _

“Buck?” He turned to see Maddie standing in the doorway, Gwen in her arms.

He waved the card at her, confused. “Why’d you keep this?”

She squinted, trying to see what he was holding. Then her face lit up in understanding. “Oh. Your Christmas card. That was -” 

Maddie cleared her throat and shifted her hold on Gwen. 

“That was the Christmas I decided to leave Doug.” She told him quietly. “That Christmas was awful, I worked so hard to try and make everything perfect, but Doug’s father came over and made just one offhand remark about cheap decorations - and Doug…”

Maddie shook her head and Buck crossed the room toward her, hovering to see if she would shy away from his touch. When she didn’t, he edged closer and put an arm around her.

To his relief, rather than pull away she leaned against him.

“It was awful.” She repeated into his shoulder. “And I was trying to clean everything up and I was… I was  _ almost  _ at my breaking point, and I saw your card and it just - it made me realize how much I missed you. We hadn’t talked for  _ years  _ and you were still sending me these cards and you still cared about me. It reminded me that I was still a person outside Doug, outside of our life together. It gave me hope. And even though it took me months after that to even start to come up with a plan to get out, that was the day I decided to leave.”

Buck hugged her to him, resting his chin on her head as Maddie swayed them back and forth. Every part of his body ached at the thought of her alone and hurting, feeling isolated and cut off without anyone to turn to. 

But he also felt just so  _ relieved  _ and grateful that she’d decided to come find him and that he’d been able to convince her to stay. 

Sending that card had felt silly, and a little pathetic, especially when she hadn’t made use of the number and sent him so much as a text. Buck had to call his mom to even make sure it was the right address and when she’d confirmed that it was he’d assumed that Maddie had thrown the card directly into the trash.

Seeing it here on her fridge, something that she’d held onto as a source of light and hope… he never could have imagined it would play such a significant role in their lives when he was mailing it off to her. 

Eventually Gwen protested at being squeezed between them and they settled back into Maddie and Chimney’s kitchen, with Gwen snuggled back into her bassinet. Maddie gratefully accepted the orange juice Buck offered her, looking cozy and content in her sweatsuit. 

“How’s the wedding planning going?” Buck asked, looking around the apartment and surprised he didn’t see any evidence of the chaos. “From the way Chimney’s been talking about it I was expecting more… stress.”

“Oh, it’s stressful but today is my off day so you’ve caught me in relax mode.” Maddie explained. “Tomorrow everything will be a flurry of movement, although we’re trying to keep it to a minimum not to upset Gwen.”

“So Mom is -”

“Not allowed in the house.” She joked with a good natured eye roll. “No, in all seriousness it was helpful to have her around while you and Chimney were gone but after all that togetherness we both needed a break. So even though she’s excited about the wedding, she’s been giving me my space.”

“That’s… surprising.” Buck admitted. “But good.”

Maddie’s eyebrows arched at him.  _ “Speaking  _ of surprising but good… how are things with Eddie? You ready to stab yourself in the face with a fork yet?”

Buck laughed quietly at her throwing her own words back at him. She’d seen Eddie at the hospital, and even if she hadn’t said anything since they were never alone when she came to visit, she’d made plenty of  _ faces  _ at him that weren’t hard to interpret. 

“I think that…” He paused, unable to think of a way to say this that wasn’t totally juvenile. “I think that he might actually like me? Like he might be interested in me more than a friend? I dunno.”

“You  _ ‘dunno.’” _ Maddie repeated, shaking her head. “Buck even Chimney told me the other day that there were ‘weird vibes’ going on.”

“What’d you say?”

“I deflected like a champion. It might surprise you to learn that if you hand Howie his daughter he’ll quickly forget that everything else in the world exists,” She said, a fond smile sneaking onto her face, and she peaked over at Gwen. 

“There was a weird moment the other day,” admitted Buck. “At the station, Eddie was telling us why he ended things with Ana and he gave me this really weird look when he said it was because he had feelings for someone else.”

Maddie made a short high-pitched noise in the back of her throat. “So - what the hell are you doing here?” 

Buck tilted his head at her, not sure what she was getting at.

“Why are you  _ here  _ and not with Eddie?” She clarified. “You should be over there, making him breakfast and playing with his son so that he can’t help but look over and think  _ hmm, what if I could have this every morning-” _

“Woah, woah.” Buck protested, holding up a hand. “I’m not going to _use_ Christopher as a ploy to get Eddie, that’s just dirty-”

“You have been here every one of your days off this week,” pointed out Maddie. “I know you haven’t been spending your time with Eddie at all - so, what? Are you avoiding him?”

“No.” He said immediately. “Well… maybe a little. I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure this out.”

Maddie leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms. “What’s to figure out?” She sounded genuinely curious. “Is it the work thing?”

“Honestly, not even really I just…” Buck sighed, trying to figure out a way to put this that wouldn’t make her (gently) smack him. “Don’t - don’t yell at me, but I don’t understand why Eddie would have feelings for me. It doesn’t make sense to me.”

She didn’t hit him, but Maddie’s face was exasperated. “Buck… Eddie really cares about you. Anyone can see that.”

“Right, but -  _ why,  _ though?” He put up a hand again. “Don’t just - I’m not fishing for compliments here or anything. I just genuinely don’t get what Eddie - why would he pick me over Ana?” His words were just as disjointed as his thoughts as he stumbled through them, searching for an answer. “Like I met her and she was beautiful and nice and I’m sure she’s smart because she’s a teacher. And I know he was really into her back in March.”

“Well, feelings change. Plus you can’t predict chemistry. Sometimes the spark just isn’t there.”

“But she was perfect,” Buck persisted. “Especially because - I mean, she’s a woman. That’s way easier to explain to his family, or to Christopher.”

“That’s Eddie’s decision.” Maddie reminded him gently. “That’s his call to decide if it’s worth it to him or not.”

_ But you’re not.  _ The snide voice in his head kept saying.  _ You’re not worth it, that’s the problem. _

Buck wasn’t going to say it to Maddie, but that’s what had been circling through his mind for the past week or so. Every time Eddie looked at him and it was like he was  _ expecting  _ something that little mean voice popped in saying:  _ this can only end one way. _

In disaster.

“I’m still thinking about it.” He said instead. “I don’t want to just jump into anything. And there’s a chance I’m completely misinterpreting everything so-”

Maddie sighed. Loudly. 

“Buck, he called you his person.” She said frankly. “And even if,  _ somehow,  _ he meant that platonically, do you really think you’re going to scare him off if you tell him how you feel? He loves you, he’s not going to just shout ‘no homo’ and run away.”

“I know.” 

In the moment where they were holding each other on the mountainside, Buck had never felt more sure of anything. He knew that he loved Eddie and had felt certain Eddie loved him back. 

And he did feel like they were already teetering on the edge of something, one strong gust all it would take to send them falling. Buck knew that he was going to have to be the person to make the push.

He just didn’t know if he could.

* * *

“Sometimes I wish he wasn’t dead.”

“Who?” Monroe asked, even though Buck was sure she had to know what he meant.

But he also knew why she was asking him to clarify - because calling Benji  _ Him  _ or  _ He  _ like there was no other person Buck could be talking about wasn’t healthy. It turned Benji into some untouchable monster instead of… just an asshole who had hurt him.

So when Buck replied, “Benji,” it was without even a touch of impatience. “Sometimes I wish Benji wasn’t dead.”

Monroe nodded, not judging him. He knew she wouldn’t, but it was still a relief.

“I feel like I wasn’t ready when I went to see him.” He admitted. “I didn’t really know what I was going to say until I saw him and I  _ am  _ glad I got to say what I did but… I didn’t let him talk.”

“Hmmm.” Monroe hummed in understanding, waiting for him to go on.

“I just didn’t want to hear him  _ apologize.”  _ Buck’s lips twisted in disgust. “Or ask for forgiveness or something. Maybe try to claim he changed. He contacted me for a reason, and whatever it was I didn’t want to give that to him. I guess I was being petty. Vindictive.”

Now Monroe spoke up. “You could call it that. Or you could consider it taking some agency back. Wanting to keep your interaction on your terms, not his.”

“I guess.” He scuffed his toe into the carpet. “I feel like I kinda blew my shot at getting some closure. Or at the very least an explanation. Because he spent the whole trial denying everything - not that I was even allowed in the same room with him, but I know at least that much from our lawyer. But he stopped lying about it at the end and there’s some questions I wished I’d asked him.”

“Such as?”

It was probably obvious but…

“Well…  _ why.” _ Buck almost rolled his eyes at the futility of the question. “I know that sounds stupid, like I get that he was sick. I also do know that his dad apparently abused him, because he told my aunt that. I know I’m not going to get more of a rational answer than that.”

“But I…” He shook his head, skin prickling with frustration. “I guess I wanna know why  _ me?  _ What did I do, and how could he - I mean he called it a “mistake” but what the fuck kind of mistake is that? But the thing is - I actually  _ believed him.  _ And that sounds even stupider, but he was -”

He broke off, feeling stuck and not sure how to explain it. Not really wanting to admit how often a coach or a teacher would mistake Benji for his dad and how Buck eventually stopped correcting them. Or the time he got in a nasty fight with his mom after Maddie went away to college and Buck said he wished his parents would just leave him with Jenny and Benji for good. 

He’d never actually thought of Benji as his dad. 

But he’d wished he was. 

“When you place your trust in someone and they betray that trust, it can be difficult to wrap your mind around that betrayal.” Monroe suggested when Buck had been silent for a while. “It might take years to come to terms with the magnitude of it. Especially for a child.”

“Yeah.” Buck rubbed at his eyes, trying to stop them from stinging. “I just - I trusted him  _ so much.  _ He told me to trust him and I listened to him, even though I was old enough to know better. I should’ve known better. I shouldn’t have - I mean I knew it was weird when he let me drink. I  _ knew  _ better. And I think if it was anyone else I would’ve been more careful. I wouldn’t have drank so much, or fallen asleep, and if...”

He shuddered but forced himself to keep going. “If I’d woken up and  _ anyone else  _ had been touching me like that, I would’ve immediately panicked. But I was just so - I was confused and he kept saying it was okay and I listened to him. I’ve never known how to  _ explain that  _ to anyone. Because that’s not what you’re supposed to do. And I know I’m not supposed to say that or e-even  _ think  _ that it was my fault. But I just can’t help think that if I hadn’t latched so hard onto him then maybe things would have gone differently.”

Explaining that to his parents had been impossible. How was he supposed to tell them that he loved and trusted Benji more than them, that he’d been almost a parent to him, so how was his brain supposed to just quickly make that leap? 

“Even after - I mean, even once I  _ knew,  _ it was still like I gave him the benefit of the doubt, you know? Like… it  _ hurt _ and I was scared shitless after but he just - he acted like it didn’t happen. He gave me ice cream for dinner and put on  _ Dawn of the Dead  _ \- he’d promised we could watch it since my parents wouldn’t let me. He wrapped me in a blanket and rubbed my back and told my mom I was sick when she picked me up the next day and he acted so upset. It was like he was a different person and it’s -  _ it’s so stupid.  _ But there was part of me that thought maybe he didn’t really remember or he wasn’t in control - he couldn’t have really meant to hurt me because he loved me. And that’s - it’s not all of it, but I think that’s part of why I didn’t tell anybody.”

He’d never said that to anyone before. Even when his mom was sitting next to him, her hands hovering over him like he was made of glass that she was afraid she’d shatter with her touch, her voice broken and ragged as she begged him  _ why, why didn’t you tell us Evan?  _

Buck wondered if it would have made a difference. If he’d tried to answer her instead of shutting down and refusing to talk about it, would she have actually believed him? Or would she have listened to his explanation, his incoherent ramblings about how he thought it wasn’t  _ really  _ Benji that hurt him, that there was something wrong with Benji and he was just confused and… 

Even in his own head it had sounded ridiculous.

Buck shook his head. “But it was him. It was all him. He didn’t care about hurting me and then he - he tried to fucking  _ kill  _ me. And I’ll never know if he was just pretending to care about me that whole time and he actually didn’t give a shit or if he  _ did  _ but then he stopped caring… or if he did love me but he really was just sick. And I just... I wish I had asked him. If I could go back, I would’ve asked him.”

He slumped his shoulders, not sure what else to do or say. It all sounded so ugly and wrong coming out of his mouth and he felt drained. But there was something nearly satisfying to saying it out loud, like popping a blister or pulling out a splinter. 

“Is there any particular answer you would want to hear from him?” Monroe asked him. 

He shrugged helplessly. “I dunno. Just…  _ something _ , to make it make sense. Any answer that’s not me being stupid for ever trusting him.”

“You’ve said that a lot.” She pointed out. “It sounds _ stupid. _ It’s so _ stupid.  _ I was  _ stupid.” _

Buck flushed, feeling called out. “Sorry - should I say something else?”

“It’s not about what you should or shouldn’t say. I’m just observing a pattern. The same way you use words like  _ should’ve, shouldn’t  _ or  _ supposed to.  _ That you should’ve known better.”

“Right, I know I’m not,” he almost said  _ supposed to _ but swerved at the last second, “I know that’s not the most healthy way to talk about it I guess, but that’s how I feel. I can’t help it.”

“That’s good.” Monroe said, surprising him. “If that’s how you’re feeling, I’d rather you be honest than say what you think you’re supposed to in order to appease me. Of course there is merit to practicing positive self-talk, but if you’re just using buzzwords to make other people more comfortable and hiding your feelings then it’s not productive.”

“Yeah.” Buck agreed, relieved that she understood. Whenever he _had_ talked to his old therapist or his lawyer or the social worker on his case they’d always been quick to correct him when he’d say something ‘wrong.’ He knew they meant well but it just made him want to shut up and not talk about it even more than he already did.

“Instead, I’d like to pose a scenario to you.” Monroe leaned back, her expression relaxed. “Think about one of your closest friends. A male friend, if possible.”

“Okay…” Buck’s mind immediately flashed to Eddie. 

“Now imagine if what happened to you happened to them instead.” Monroe said, and Buck’s stomach squirmed at the thought. He did  _ not  _ want to think about Benji going near him, or Eddie ever being touched without his consent. But he did as instructed, swapping out Eddie for himself in his mind in spite of how sick that made him feel. 

“If your friend told you that someone they trusted assaulted them when they were thirteen - the exact same way you were assaulted… would you tell them what they should’ve done?” She asked him gently. “Would you shut down anything they said or did as ‘stupid’?”

Buck’s first instinct was to just say  _ ‘no’  _ without even thinking about it. 

“Take a second to really think about it,” Monroe added, knowing him too well.

His mouth snapped shut. He pictured Eddie talking to him, really tried to take himself out of the situation and imagine hearing it for the first time. If their scene back in the summer where Buck had confessed to him over beers had been reversed, with Eddie not being able to look him in the eye while he told Buck about his uncle hurting him as a kid. Tried to imagine Eddie saying something and Buck telling him that it sounded stupid.

He winced at just the thought.

“I wouldn’t.” Buck said slowly, processing it. “I would never say something like that.”

“What would you say instead?”

“That it wasn’t his fault.” He told her, knowing if Eddie or Hen or Chimney or anyone told him something like that that he would say it and absolutely mean it. And he always  _ hated  _ hearing Maddie blame herself for what happened with Doug. “I’d try to be supportive and understanding. I’d want him to feel better.”

“Would you say that but secretly think it was his fault?” Monroe pushed, going in for the kill. “Would you think he was stupid for trusting his uncle? For not doing everything exactly “right”?” She asked, using air quotes.

“Okay I  _ get  _ what you’re doing.” Buck felt the need to point out. “But no, if we’re pretending that this happened to him  _ instead  _ then no. I wouldn’t think any of that. I’d think that he was a kid, and I wouldn’t expect a kid to know what to do in that situation.” 

He went a step further, adding, “Honestly, even if he wasn’t a kid - that’s one of the first lessons I learned on the job. When people are in danger they don’t act rationally all the time. Sometimes they freeze up, or their instincts don’t kick in or if they do the  _ wrong  _ instincts kick in. And it’s never their fault. It just happens. It’s human.”

Monroe sat back, looking pleased.

“I see your point, but it’s harder because I was there _.”  _ Buck said quietly. “It’s easy to say that logically, but it’s not easy to actually  _ feel  _ it.”

“I know.” She assured him. “The fact that you’re able to recognize that is excellent though. There are a lot of people who struggle with that step. For you, the next step I’d like you to try is that when you’re thinking about the assault, or about Benji in general and your relationship with him, try talking to yourself like you would talk to a close friend. Show yourself the same compassion and benefit of the doubt that you would give other people.”

That sounded easy when she put it like that except it wasn’t even something Buck thought he had a problem with. It wasn’t like he  _ hated  _ himself - not anymore, at least.

Monroe pointing out that he said ‘I know it’s stupid’ a lot… that wasn’t anything he’d ever put any thought into before. But he’d never shut his friends down like that and it made him wonder how many other things he said to himself that he’d never say to anyone he cared about.

“I can… try.” Buck hedged. “I can’t promise I’ll be good at it. At least not right away.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to. It’s all about practice. The more we do something the more it becomes a habit. So I think it would be good practice for you to try it for a week and let me know how it goes.”

“More homework.” He groaned, mostly joking.

“Just wait, because I have even more.” She told him teasingly and Buck groaned even louder before dissolving into soft chuckles. “If you’re up for it, you might find it useful to try writing out those questions you mentioned earlier. Maybe try writing Benji a letter.”

Buck cocked his head, lost. 

“But he’s dead.”

“It would be for you, not for him. Sometimes the questions are more important than any answer he could give you.” 

Why did that sound more like a riddle than actual advice? Still, she was the one with the psychology degree so Buck shrugged. “I can try that too. I’m not much of a writer though.”

“If it’s just for you, do you think that matters?”

“I guess not.” This sort of reminded him of when his therapist in high school had tried to get him to use a journal. That hadn’t really worked for him, but Buck had to admit part of the reason was because he didn’t trust his mom not to go snooping so he hadn’t felt comfortable being honest even with his own self-reflection. 

Not to mention he’d already been drowning in the ocean of homework that he was too depressed to even begin to keep up with. There was no way he was voluntarily going to add more  _ writing  _ on top of the ungodly amount of essays his teachers kept piling on.

“It’s optional, of course.” Monroe pointed out, as if reading his thoughts. “But I strongly suggest giving it a try. You’ve got a lot going on in that head of yours, and it seems like talking it out seems to help you.”

“It does.” Buck agreed readily. “It helps a lot actually.”

“Which is why I think it could be useful to see what some of it looks like written down. It might help you make some connections, see some things you didn’t before. Do you have a junk closet at home?”

Buck squinted, not sure where she was going with this. “No? I don’t really have that much stuff, honestly…”

“Did you have one growing up?”

“Oh yeah, definitely.” There was one closet that was more or less Rachel’s ‘shame’ closet, where she stuffed everything whenever they had guests over. “Maddie and I joked that it was the Island of Misfit Toys, because if something was ever lost that’s where it probably was hiding.”

“And did you ever clean it out?”

“A couple times. My mom always dreaded doing it, but she was happier when it was all empty and organized.”

“And,” Monroe clicked her pen with her teeth, pushing on, “When you cleaned it out, you probably found a bunch of stuff that you had no idea was hiding in there, right?”

“Yeah… and I feel like there’s a metaphor hiding in  _ here.”  _ Buck hedged.

Monroe smiled at him. “You know me well. You’ve packed a lot of feelings and thoughts about your uncle and the abuse you endured into a small corner of your brain. If you take the time to really unpack it, pull everything out and take a look at it, you might be surprised at what you’ll find.”

He had a feeling that’s where she was going, but the thought of it still made him uncomfortable. “But what do you do once it’s all out there?” 

“The same thing you’d do if it was physical stuff. Put it where it goes if you still have use for it. And if you don’t, give it away.”

She made it sound so simple. “Just like that, huh?”

“Some things might be harder to give up than others.” Monroe conceded. “But the most important thing is making a start. To give yourself the chance to heal and to grow. 

“To recognize if there’s anything holding you back… and to let it go.”

* * *

“Head’s up, Bobby’s probably going to want a statement from you.” Chimney told him as they got ready for the shift. They were the last ones to arrive, both running late because Buck had spent the night on Chimney and Maddie’s couch, and Gwen had kept all of them up with some really impressive wailing. Her lungs were amazingly powerful. 

Buck paused as he buttoned up his uniform shirt. “A statement?”

“He’s forming a counter-case against Deluca with the union. Figures that’s what it’ll take to shut him down for good. I told him how everything went down out there, especially what a dick he was being, and Bobby thinks we might have grounds for a harassment case.”

Oh god. A  _ harassment  _ case? 

“You didn’t - ” Buck stumbled over his words. “Wait, Chim, you didn’t tell Bobby what Deluca  _ said,  _ did you?”

“He said a lot of things, I’m not sure what you’re -  _ ah. _ The thing about Bobby? No, didn’t mention that.”

“Oh, okay.” Buck slumped in relief. It’s not that he thought Bobby would take Deluca’s remarks seriously, but it just wasn’t something he wanted Bobby to have to worry about. It was bad enough that Deluca had put it in his head, he didn’t want it in Bobby’s. 

Chimney’s eyes flicked over him, a little too sharp. “That really bothered you, huh?” 

It would be easy to just deflect, laugh it off. But Buck found himself admitting, “Yeah. A bit.”

“You know, I know we joke about it sometimes but I don’t really think you’re sex obsessed.” Chim told him. “Maybe at the very beginning, but that was a long time ago. You’ve changed a lot since then - grown a lot. It’s not the first or even the twentieth thing that I think of when I think about you. I hope you realize that.”

A lump formed in his throat: even without understanding the full story behind why Deluca’s comment had dug so deep at him, Chimney had still managed to reassure him. “Thanks, Chim.” Buck cleared his throat. “It’s - honestly, there’s a little more to it. I dunno if - maybe you’ve guessed at some of it, or I don’t know if Maddie’s told you anything…”

If Chimney was alarmed by the nervousness in Buck’s voice, he didn’t show it. “Maddie hasn’t told me anything personal about you that you haven’t already told me yourself.” He assured Buck, before shrugging and admitting, “Except she did eventually tell me the full story about the Philodendron plant… and the time she had to bring you a change of clothes in elementary school because you peed your pants. But that’s it.”

Buck’s mouth fell open, momentarily distracted from the serious topic by his sheer outrage. “Woah, hold on.” He complained. “I didn’t fully  _ pee my pants,  _ I got attacked by my friend on the playground and he scared me a little and I just - you know what, never mind.” 

This wasn’t the time. “Has she told you anything about any of our aunts and uncles?”

“Not anything that sticks out.”

Before he could doubt himself Buck said: “My uncle was sexually abusive. To  _ me,”  _ Buck added quickly, because he recognized the protective flare of alarm and dismay in Chimney’s eyes. “Not to Maddie. He never went near her. But he - he hurt me pretty badly and when Deluca said that - it just bothered me. Even if he was joking, it bothered me that he’d look at me and Bobby and say that. Maybe it’s stupid…” Buck trailed off, as he imagined Monroe chiding him for his words. 

_ Show yourself the same compassion and benefit of the doubt as you would a friend. _

It took Chimney a few moments to gather himself enough to respond - he seemed like he was maybe taking the time to come up with the right words. Finally he said, slowly, “I don’t think that’s stupid. It was already a pretty shitty thing to say, and if it triggered something for you then that makes it even worse.” He waited a beat, then added, “I’m really sorry that happened to you.” 

He knew that Chim wasn’t talking about Deluca’s shitty comment. “It’s -” Buck stopped himself from saying  _ fine,  _ changing course. “Thank you. I figured, y’know, with you and Maddie and having Gwen, and you guys getting married… it just seemed like something you should know.” 

Chimney frowned in confusion at that, cocking his head slightly as if about to ask a question, and Buck elaborated, “I don’t want her to feel like she needs to keep any secrets for me from you.”

“That’s…” Chimney blew out a long breath, clearly thinking hard. “You don’t need to do that. I don’t need to know everything about your guys’ past, and I’m sure Maddie doesn’t mind-”

“But I don’t mind you knowing.” Buck realized it was true as he spoke the words. It was something that had been on the back of his mind - Eddie knew, Hen knew, it made sense for him to tell Chimney, and probably Bobby at some point. Maybe. “And honestly I’d rather me tell you than it to come out in some big argument with my parents or something.”

“So they do know?”

“Oh yeah.” Buck assured him, understanding what Chimney was getting at. “Yeah they know. He’s - not around anymore.” 

“Good. You’re okay though?” Chimney asked, giving him an evaluating look. “I mean, I know you said you were bothered by what Deluca said, so if you ever need to talk about it, just… I’m here.”

“Thanks. I might take you up on that sometime.” 

It was weird how not panicked he felt at the moment. If Buck had this conversation in the football team’s locker room back in high school, he imagined that he would’ve felt very different about it. 

Part of it was just that it was Chimney. This was his brother, in more ways than one now. They’d literally walked through fire together, and Buck would trust Chimney with anything, just as much as he would Hen, Eddie, or Bobby.

But he was also realizing that… maybe the way he felt about it had started to change. 

Before, Buck had been so desperately afraid of anyone finding out because then they would  _ look  _ at him differently. Look at him the way that his parents had, like there was something wrong with him. Even with the disbelief that had clouded his mother’s eyes. 

But Chimney wasn’t looking at him like he thought Buck was damaged or broken. He just flicked his towel in Buck’s direction and nodded toward the locker room door. 

“C’mon. Let’s get out there before they send in another search party after us.”

* * *

Later that night, Buck sat down at his kitchen table, pulled out a piece of lined paper and a pen… and stared blankly.

When he’d left Abby’s apartment and officially ended things between them with a letter, the words had just flowed out of him. Writing really had never been his strong suit but he’d spent so much time thinking about her, the feelings he had for her - good and bad.

With Benji, he didn’t even know where to begin. 

How was he supposed to even address it? 

_ Dear  _ felt wrong, so maybe just  _ Benji?  _

_ Uncle Benji?  _

_ Hey shitface? _

Not that it even mattered because Benji was never going to receive this letter. 

And really that just - god, it still pissed him off. As much as Buck was glad that he no longer had to think about the possibility of Benji getting out of prison, it wasn’t fair that Benji got out the way he had. 

He’d just fucked off and died and left the rest of them to deal with his mess.

The longer Buck stared at the vacant sheet of paper, the angrier he became. It wasn’t  _ fair.  _ None of it was fair. It wasn’t fair that he was almost thirty years old looking at a blank page, at a loss for what to say about something that had happened to him over a decade ago. 

Only... 

It wasn’t just Benji he was angry at.

Buck’s pen touched the paper and this time the words wouldn’t stop. They kept coming, hot and furious, feelings that he’d been shoving into the corner for far longer than fifteen years.

For practically his entire life.

He finished the letter and stuffed it in an envelope. Buck had to triple check the address on his phone to make sure that it was the right one, because if this letter got lost in the mail he wasn’t sure he had it in him to write another one. 

Then he slapped a stamp on it, slotted it into his apartment complex’s outgoing mailbox…

… And let it go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs:  
>  _Major warning: Discussion of past childhood sexual abuse and feelings about the abuser with therapist._
> 
> Discussion of past domestic abuse.
> 
> Mentioned border detention centers and the nightmare that is USA border "policies."
> 
> General themes of self-esteem issues related to past abuse.
> 
> Mentioned difficult parent-child relationships.
> 
> Discussion of past gaslighting.
> 
> General Notes:
> 
> For all of those who said "they have to talk about their feelings now".... sorry... however we are rapidly closing in on the ending so hopefully you won't be too disappointed!


	20. All I want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, their job was really difficult.
> 
> Sometimes, it was stressful. And heartbreaking.
> 
> Sometimes they would get a call that would weigh so heavily on them that no one would speak for hours after getting back to the station, the only sound the leaden thump of their boots as they trudged despondently along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs at the end.

**_9-1-1 Operator:_ **

**9-1-1, what’s your emergency?**

**_Caller:_ **

**The earthquake - we got hit - the roof collapsed!**

**Please…oh god please, you have to save them!**

  
  


* * *

  
  


Sometimes, their job was really difficult.

Sometimes, it was stressful. And heartbreaking.

Sometimes they would get a call that would weigh so heavily on them that no one would speak for hours after getting back to the station, the only sound the leaden thump of their boots as they trudged despondently along.

  
  
  


And sometimes, they got to spend their day saving miniature horses from a collapsed barn.

_ “Therapy  _ horses, guys!” Buck exclaimed, his eyes wide with awe as he let the one nearest him eat a carrot out of his hand. “Look at them, they’re tiny little heroes! Why didn’t I know this was a thing?”

“I remember seeing them around the hospital last year.” Hen commented, kneeling on the ground and petting two horses at once - it was like they were drawn to her soothing energy. “They brought them down to comfort people after the Tsunami.”

Buck reached out to pet the tiny horse’s neck. He normally wasn’t much of a horse person but these little things were a lot less likely to kick his chest in. “Man, I guess I missed out then. Where was my pony?”

“Actually, a pony is a totally different phenotype.” Eddie corrected, accepting another carrot from a grateful volunteer. 

The area had been hit by a small 4.2 earthquake - the structural damage was mostly minimal for most places but the  _ San Fernando Valley Dream Horses  _ barn had been recently undergoing renovation and was destabilized by the earthquake.They’d successfully rescued all the horses and were taking a mini break to enjoy the fruits of their labor before they shipped back out again. 

Eddie continued, “These technically  _ are  _ horses, just really small ones,” before catching sight of Buck and Hen’s amused faces. “What?”

“Didn’t peg you for a horse girl, Eds,” teased Buck. “Or did you used to ride Western back in Texas?  _ Please  _ tell me you wore a Stetson.”

Eddie tipped an imaginary wide-brimmed hat at him with a deadpan expression before rolling his eyes. “No, I grew up in the suburbs. We had like one class field trip to a ranch. But Christopher went through a horse phase a few months back and for  _ weeks _ all he wanted to do was watch documentaries on horses. I promised him next time we do a trip we’ll go to Nevada to see if we can spot some wild mustangs.”

Buck lit up. “Oh that’s awesome. I went to Nevada a few years back and wanted to go do a mini trip for that but none of the guys I was with wanted to go - they just wanted to keep partying in Vegas.”

He said it without even really thinking about it, not considering how that would sound until Eddie was asking, “Do you want to come with us?”

“Oh, no I wasn’t -” Buck quickly backtracked, even though he  _ really  _ wanted to just say yes because he couldn’t think of anything better than going camping and falling asleep under the desert stars with Eddie and Christopher. “I wasn’t fishing for an invite man you don’t have to -”

“I know, I’m genuinely asking.”

“I mean it’s your time with Chris-”

“He’d be thrilled.” Eddie said firmly. “Plus, this way I wouldn’t have to be the only one to carry him when he inevitably gets tired in the middle of all that hiking.”

He really looked like he genuinely wanted Buck there. Like he was  _ hoping  _ Buck would say yes. 

“Yeah,” Buck heard himself saying, before he could overthink it. “That sounds really great.”

“Okay then.” Eddie rubbed the star of the miniature horse closest to him, visibly biting back a pleased smile. “I was thinking maybe President’s day weekend? That way we can have a few days out there, Chris’ll have it off from school.”

“Sure, I’ll request it off when we get back to the station,” Buck agreed, opting to ignore the way that Hen was staring a hole through the side of his head.

Soon enough they had to say goodbye to their petite equine friends as Bobby called out to them that they needed to get a move on. Eddie was talking to one of the volunteers, probably trying to figure out how he could get Christopher out here for a visit, so Buck headed back toward the truck without him.

Hen caught his arm as they were about to load into the engine, pulling him back toward her.  _ “Buck,”  _ She hissed, undertone. “You know what President’s Day weekend is right?”

“Uh…” Buck was truly stumped. “Isn’t it Abraham Lincoln’s birthday or something?”

“It’s - wait Abraham Lincoln? Where did you get Lincoln from?” Hen shook her head before he could answer. “Nevermind - Buck that’s  _ Valentine’s Day weekend.” _

“What - no.” He immediately denied, thinking back on the last Valentine’s date he’d been on. “Wasn’t it just on a Wednesday?”

“Like three years ago. It’s Sunday this year. On  _ President’s Day  _ weekend.” 

Buck took in her significant gaze then toward the barn where Eddie was finishing his conversation with the volunteer. 

“No way.” He insisted. “It’s a coincidence, he was planning on taking Christopher before.”

“Okay,” Hen sang, breezing past him toward the ambulance. “If you  _ say  _ so.”

“Eddie hates Valentine’s Day!” Buck called after her, then turned to see Tom giving him a skeptical look. “Oh, not you too Tom.” He whined at the Driver-Engineer before climbing into the truck.

(He still requested the days off as soon as they got back to the station).

  
  


* * *

  
  


Eddie has never been very good at giving up control. 

It was something his sisters had always teased him about growing up. He always had to be the banker when they were playing Monopoly ( _ because Sophia always cheats when she does it,  _ he would protest while his siblings dissolved into giggles at his expense) and the one driving on trips when they got older. 

Joining the army had been difficult for him in ways he hadn’t expected. Eddie had always been good at following the rules, and had learned at an early age not to talk back to authority figures. So he never got in trouble or really outwardly struggled the way that some of his bunkmates did during training. 

But once he was in Afghanistan, it had really hit him that  _ his life wasn’t in his hands anymore.  _ Someone else was calling the shots, making decisions that could determine not only if he lived or died, but his team as well. There hadn’t been space to rebel against it, no room to grasp onto any semblance of power.

So Eddie had turned his need for control inwards. He couldn’t control what other people did but he could control how he reacted to it. He could be the guy who always kept his cool, the guy who never burst out with emotion, the one who people always turned to in a crisis.

Even when he was no longer in the army, when he was home and hurting and boiling with so many emotions that he didn’t think he had space for in his body, Eddie had kept it together. There were other people who needed him to stay in control, people who were counting on him. And there were so many other people who had it worse than him, people like Riggs who never made it home. He was lucky and he had no space to be unhappy or hurting so he pushed those feelings deep down into a box that he sealed up tight.

But in the past year of coming to terms with Shannon’s death, what that meant for him as Christopher’s father, of going to therapy and learning how to express his feelings in a healthy way, Eddie had been slowly loosening the box and letting things out. 

The thing was, he was pretty sure that Buck had been flirting with him recently.

It was… somewhat subtle, which wasn’t a word he was used to associating with Buck - particularly when it came to flirting. Not that Buck was bad or overly heavy-handed when he was chatting someone up; Eddie had only witnessed it a few times and was more surprised than he probably should’ve been at how smooth Buck could be, but he was certainly never sneaky because with charm like his he didn’t have to be.

But there was a hint of that charm creeping into some of their interactions, or in the smiles that Buck would shoot him when they were working in different parts of the station. A hand on his back that would get pulled away a little too quickly as they were leaving the locker room at the end of a shift. Even a quick glance up and down his body when they crossed paths in and out of the showers and Eddie was wearing only a towel that had made him suddenly feel like the temperature went up fifteen degrees. 

(Sadly, after that moment Buck seemed to have opted out of taking showers at the station at all).

There was a hesitation that Eddie had to admit was driving him more than slightly insane. 

He was sure that Buck was attracted to him. Eddie no longer had any doubts about that - or that Buck’s interest in him was more than passing. Whatever was between them, he knew that Buck wasn’t immune or impassive toward it. 

Eddie was also sure that he’d made what he wanted clear. Well, he’d come short of outright saying it, but he was certain Buck knew Eddie had been talking about him when he said he had feelings for someone. 

As much as Eddie wanted to just seize control, to take all the steps forward until they were sure they were on the same page, he knew that he couldn’t do that. Hen said that Buck liked to follow Eddie’s lead - they’d been talking about where to go out for dinner, but her eyebrows had raised meaningfully and he’d caught her drift. And Eddie was willing to offer a few nudges, but he wasn’t going to just lead Buck off a cliff if it wasn’t what he wanted. 

So Eddie was being patient. He was waiting, only occasionally inching closer just to remind Buck that,  _ hey I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. _

_ Ready when you are. _

They were doing the dishes after dinner, mostly to give Ari a break because the poor probie had gotten drenched head to toe in mud on their last call and needed a nap after his shower. Buck was washing and Eddie was drying. 

Which meant that Eddie was watching as Buck’s phone kept lighting up with notifications where he’d set it on the counter next to the drying rack.

“Who is blowing up your phone?” Eddie asked curiously. 

Buck leaned all the way across Eddie’s space to grab at his phone with wet fingers. Unsurprisingly, he couldn’t actually make the touchscreen work until he dried off the screen and his hands. 

A few moments later, he let out a bemused laugh.

“Someone I knew from Pennsylvania apparently found my Instagram.” Buck commented, scrolling through his phone. “And is leaving sarcastic messages on some of the more embarrassing ones Maddie and Chim have tagged me in.”

“Oh.” Eddie didn’t really do social media and he knew basically nothing about Instagram etiquette but he did remember his cousin Iz explaining to him that she realized her boyfriend was cheating on her because he went through and liked every photo on another’s girls Instagram. He watched Buck’s eyes brighten and felt a tug of petty jealousy on his stomach. “Are they funny?”

Buck nodded, snorting through his nose. “Yeah - she was always hilarious, even if she could be kinda mean sometimes. Ah Erica, my first great love.”

Eddie nearly dropped the plate he was holding.

“What?” He asked, his voice tight with the strain to keep it casual.

_ Who the fuck is Erica? _

As far as Eddie had heard, there was just Abby and Ali and before that it was a string of random encounters. Buck always referred to Abby as his “first serious girlfriend.” 

So forgive Eddie if he was a little surprised.

“Oh yeah, our love was epic.” Buck continued, oblivious to Eddie’s dismay. “All stolen glances and pining from across the room. She had a boyfriend, but I always sort of wondered ‘what if?’”

Eddie turned to him, barely concealing his indignation because Buck had to realize what this sounded like right? Then his anger turned to annoyance when he caught Buck grinning at him slyly. 

He was riling him up on purpose. 

“Did I mention we were eleven?” Buck’s smile stretched across his face like the Cheshire cat. “And that she lives in Pittsburgh with her husband and kid?” 

“You ass.” Eddie flicked a towel at him once his heart rate had returned to normal and Buck danced away, laughing. 

“All cards on the table, we did hook up in high school.” Buck then scrunched up his face in thought. “I  _ think?  _ Or was it Erica L? They both had brown hair.”

Eddie pushed on his arm. “Your  _ first great love,  _ okay.”

“It was very dramatic! You can ask Maddie about it, I was heartbroken when she started dating freaking Jeremy Wilkinson. And by ‘dating’ I mean holding hands in the hallway and sitting together at lunch, but hey.”

“Yet you don’t remember if you hooked up in high school.” Eddie pointed out, genuinely confused and a little exasperated.

Buck was quiet for a moment, before replying in a softer voice. “It’s hard for me to remember high school.” He admitted.

Eddie instantly felt like shit. “Sorry - I didn’t -”

“No, I don’t mean I don’t like thinking about it.” Buck quickly assured him. “I mean - I  _ don’t  _ really, but what I meant was it’s actually hard. My long-term memory isn’t great to begin with, but high school is just especially difficult for me to recall anything specific. Like names or even faces it just all kind of blurs together. My therapist says that can happen with long periods of depression, so…”

“I get it.” Eddie took the dish that Buck had been scrubbing for the last minute out of his hands, not looking at his friend as he fixed his attention on the task of slowly wiping it dry. “After I got back from Afghanistan, it was like I was in the bottom of this dark tunnel. Everything felt so fleeting. Like none of it really mattered. The only thing I was able to cling to was Christopher. At one point I was working three jobs and I don’t think I could tell you the names of anyone I was working with. It’s like if I wasn’t around Christopher I was just on autopilot.”

“What brought you out of it? Was it just coming to LA? Becoming a firefighter?”

“That was part of it.” He felt guilty as he admitted, “A lot of it was getting away from my parents. They’re - they mean well, they can just be a little suffocating. Getting some space from them, from most of my family, was scary and I second-guessed my choice every day until I realized how good it was for Christopher. For both of us. Then every day I just felt a little lighter until…”

“Until you joined the 118 and met the best people in the entire world.” Buck said teasingly, bumping his hip against Eddie before handing him a glass.

Eddie snatched the glass from him playfully, feeling the tips of his ears heat up at the contact. “That’s right,” he agreed and then added wryly, “But unfortunately for me, there was  _ also  _ this asshole who tried to make my first few shifts pretty unbearable because he was being such a petty dick about me being better than him.”

Buck made an indignant noise. “Woah, woah. I don’t know if I’d say that you were  _ better  _ than me. You were just better than I was when I started out.”

_ “That’s  _ the part you take offense to? Typical.”

“Well, I’m not going to deny being an asshole your first week, we both know it’s true.” Buck nudged him again, this time just a soft brush of his arm that made the hairs stand up. “Besides - I came around and now I’m your person. It worked out in the end.”

It felt odd to have Buck repeat those words in the quiet of the station during the after-dinner lull.

In the literal heat of the moment, when all Eddie could feel was pure relief and love as he pulled Buck into his arms, calling him  _ my person  _ had felt like nothing. It was barely scratching the surface of what Buck meant to him.

Now though, hearing Buck say it so casually and with such confidence it felt like… a declaration. A promise. 

There was one thing Buck had said that Eddie didn’t agree with though.

“Not in the end.”

“Huh?” Buck turned to him, head cocked in confusion.

“We’re not at the end yet.” Eddie forced himself to say, feeling unusually brave.

He was certain it was true. This, the two of them dancing around each other in the station kitchen, laughing and joking and arguably  _ flirting  _ with each other… this wasn’t ‘the end.’ 

This wasn’t the pinnacle of their relationship, it was the middle. They were still moving toward something, and Eddie wasn’t sure either of them knew exactly what that something was yet.

Buck’s eyes widened and for a moment Eddie wondered if he’d toed too far over the invisible line they’d drawn. 

Then Buck actually took a step closer (so close that if they were at one of Eddie’s high school dances Mrs. Trevino would’ve been shouting at them to  _ leave room for Jesus!)  _ and it was all Eddie could do not to take a mirroring step back - or lean in closer until there was no space left.

“Yeah.” Buck agreed, an odd smile on his face. “We’re not at the end yet.”

* * *

  
  


Buck glanced at the time on his phone and wondered if he was being stood up.

He was never early to things. He always got distracted on his way out the door and it would take two, sometimes three times longer to leave than he meant it to. Even living as minimally as he did, he always managed to misplace his wallet or keys or all three of them simultaneously and would spend forever hunting for them. 

But this time he refused to cede the upper hand by being late, so he’d gone out of his way to be early.  _ Too  _ early.

And of course it was ten minutes after and now he’d been sitting here in this booth for half an hour and the waitress was giving him a sympathetic look as she approached him with a pot of coffee so fresh Buck could see the steam rising from it. 

“Want another cup?” She asked him and Buck  _ really  _ wanted to say yes, but he was already tapping his foot in an insane rhythm against the metal table leg. A third cup was not going to do his anxiety any favors. 

“Better make it decaf.” He admitted, gazing after the fresh coffee wistfully as she nodded and whisked away to switch it out with the orange lipped pot that had been sitting out untouched for a good half hour. 

Buck tried not to make a face as he sipped at it. The coffee here wasn’t even good in the first place, so it was even worse when it was lukewarm and  _ decaf.  _ Really the only reason he was drinking it was to give his hands something to do while he waited.

He glanced at his phone again.  _ 10:11. _ Buck couldn’t believe he’d gotten up at eight am for  _ this.  _ He’d changed his shirt at least three times, spending almost as much time on his hair as he had for his first date with Abby. 

God, he hadn’t even really wanted to come. If he was actually getting stood up - or even worse:  _ forgotten  _ \- he was going to be pissed. 

Buck was just checking his phone for the fortieth time and debating whether or not he was going to call when the  _ ding  _ of the bell on the diner door caught his attention. 

He slumped back in his seat - from relief or disappointment he wasn’t sure - before forcing himself to sit up straight. Body language was important, at least according to all the WikiHows he’d stayed up late reading last night after he’d gotten the voicemail asking if he’d be willing to meet.

“Hi,” Buck said, wondering too late if he should’ve stood up. Was staying seated some kind of power move or a show of weakness?

But if it was, Thomas didn’t give any indication. He just nodded back before taking a seat in the booth across from Buck.

He didn’t even say hi. Buck hoped that Thomas didn’t just plan on having this talk non-verbally or it was going to be a short conversation.

Before he could initiate anything, the waitress came back with a massive laminated menu. “Hello!” She exclaimed, directing her attention to Thomas. “Will you be joining us for breakfast? Can I get you a coffee?”

“A black coffee, and a few minutes with the menu please.” Thomas said politely. He’d at least never been an asshole to people who were just doing their jobs. 

When he took a sip of the coffee Buck watched surreptitiously for his reaction. His dad gave a slight wrinkling of his nose at the bitter flavor but unlike his mom didn’t reach for any sugar or cream. 

“So,” Buck said after Thomas had been perusing the menu for a few awkward moments. “You wanted to talk?”

Thomas looked up at him, expression unreadable as ever. “Can we order first?”

“You can.”

“You’re not getting anything?”

“Yeah, not sure how long I’ll be staying.” Then, because he couldn’t help himself Buck added: “I got here early so I’ve been sitting here awhile. I really wasn’t expecting you to be late - I know you hate that.”

“I apologize for that.” Thomas said, and of course he couldn’t say  _ I’m sorry  _ like a normal person. He was probably allergic to the words. “The traffic was… unexpected coming in from Santa Barbara.”

Okay, that was a drive - Buck would give him that. “Oh, didn’t realize you guys had fully moved in yet.” He said, with only mild interest. He’d seen Rachel a few times around Chimney and Maddie’s place - she’d been allowed to help out with wedding preparations under the sworn oath that she was not allowed to do anything to stress Maddie out, and Buck had been pleasantly surprised to see her abide by that promise. Realizing that she’d been driving down from Santa Barbara every time made Buck even more impressed at her dedication. 

“We moved a few weeks ago.” Thomas set his menu to the side, apparently not interested in eating if Buck wasn’t going to. 

But he didn’t say anything either, which was a bit maddening.

“Okay, you said you wanted to talk so…” Buck waved his hand at his dad vaguely. 

“I don’t know what to say.” 

Buck released a heavy sigh, before pushing himself out of the booth and rifling through his wallet in search of enough cash to cover the coffee and a tip. 

“What are you doing?”

“I’m not going to sit here and try to have a conversation with you.” He said frankly. “I’m tired of it, and I’m not interested. I’ve got better things to do with my time. So unless you have something specific you wanted to say to me, then I’m going to enjoy the rest of my day off in peace.”

“Will you just -” Thomas began sharply and Buck gave him a look that said no, he would not  _ just.  _ His father had reached out to  _ him  _ and Buck didn’t owe him anything. 

Thomas sighed and recalibrated. “Please, can you sit down. I do have something to say, I’m just trying to figure out how to say it.”

Buck slid back into the booth warily. “Usually, it helps if you open your mouth and y’know, form the words and -”

“I never realized you didn’t think I believed you.” His dad said, looking almost like he had to push the words out of his mouth. “Until I got your letter. I never realized.”

Of course, the letter.

Buck knew that was what this was about. He’d sent it off to the Santa Barbara address, knowing that they’d been checking the mail at least weekly there even while they were waiting for their furniture to arrive so they could fully move in. 

He also really hadn’t been expecting any sort of  _ response _ because it was only addressed to his dad who wasn’t exactly known for his communication. Especially since Buck had made it pretty clear that he wasn’t writing it to try and bridge any sort of gap.

The only reason he’d written it was because he’d been completely incapable of disentangling his feelings about Benji from those about his father. Every time he tried to focus on the assault, Thomas kept jumping into his head - how furious he felt every time he saw his dad, all of the unspoken resentment that fueled their interactions. 

Benji was gone but Thomas wasn’t - he was physically closer than he’d been for a decade and he  _ still  _ didn’t want anything to do with Buck. And Buck was sick of it.

That had really been the majority of the letter, and when he’d agreed to meet up with Thomas that was what Buck had been prepared to be confronted about. 

So what Thomas said was so unexpected that it took Buck a second to realize what his dad meant. “Believe me about… about Benji?” He clarified and Thomas nodded. “I mean, I know you thought I was just a stupid kid but I picked up on stuff. I figured it out.”

Thomas shook his head. “I didn’t think you were stupid but I also didn’t think you were lying. Not for a single second.”

“What?” Buck probably would’ve been less surprised if his dad had thrown his mug of coffee in his face. “What? But - wait, that doesn’t-”

_ Of course  _ that was when the waitress swanned in. “Are we ready with the menus or…?”

“Uh - pancakes.” He blurted out, because he didn’t actually want to just sit here taking up her booth without ordering anything. 

“Biscuits and gravy please.” 

The waitress took their menus and Buck waited until she was out of earshot to continue. “That doesn’t make any sense,” He insisted, even though it also didn’t make any sense why Thomas would insist about  _ lying  _ about it. Not at this point. “I - and you’re not gonna like this but whatever - I listened in on one of your phone calls with Jenny and I heard you saying saying that it all needed to go to trial so ‘the truth could come out’ which is  _ not  _ the response you’re supposed to have after listening to someone scream about how your son is a liar for five minutes. Not if you think he’s telling the truth.”

“What?” Now his dad looked genuinely confused - and actually had the audacity to seem annoyed. “You listened in on my phone calls?”

“Not  _ usually,  _ but I could hear Jenny’s voice through your office doors this one time and I couldn’t tell what she was saying so-”

Thomas pressed a finger to his left temple.  _ “That  _ phone call. You completely misunderstood.”

“How was I supposed to misunderstand that?”

“Jenny was harassing us.” His dad said flatly. “She wouldn’t stop calling the house and violating her no-contact order. She was furious with us, with  _ me,  _ specifically. At one point she even came by the house and Maddie had to drive her off. Laurel suggested that we actually take one of her phone calls and record it so we could present it to the judge. She said the best thing to do would be to just let her rant unprovoked and stay calm. I had a script I had to stick to.”

_ Oh.  _ That… weirdly made a lot of sense. Even if his dad hadn’t exactly been the most emotionally available during that whole experience, Buck remembered feeling betrayed after that phone call because it was so unexpected. His dad just seemed so angry every time the topic came up and hearing him sound calm on the phone with Jenny was disconcerting.

And the only conclusion he’d been able to draw was that his dad was angry with  _ him. _

Buck opened his mouth but couldn’t form any words. There could’ve been a 7.1 earthquake in the diner then and there and he would’ve been less shaken. 

“I always believed you.” Thomas continued, driving the point home. 

There were a million thoughts flashing through his head, going off like the fireworks at Universal Studios that he and Eddie had taken Christopher to for New Year’s Eve the week before. 

After a few moments, there was one thought that pushed its way in front of everything else.

“Why didn’t you tell me that?” 

“I didn’t know you thought-”

“No.” Buck cut him off, feeling a weirdly calm anger. A steady certainty that he was _right._ “It doesn’t matter what you thought, you should’ve told me you believed me. You’re - you were an academic. You’re telling me you didn’t pick up a single book? Or, hell - talk to a single therapist? But you didn’t do any of that. This whole time I thought you didn’t believe me but it just turns out that you didn’t care.”

_ “Of course I-” _ Thomas burst out in a rare show of emotion, his mouth snapping shut as the waitress-of-impeccable-timing arrived with their food. 

_ “Here  _ is your biscuits and gravy,” She said with the forced cheer anyone who’d worked in the service industry could pick out from a mile away, before handing Buck his plate. “And here’s your pancakes. Do you want any extra syrup?”

“No - thanks.” 

“Enjoy!”

As soon as she left, Thomas pushed his food to the side. “Of course I cared, Evan.” He said, quieter but with fierce conviction. “I didn’t know what to do. I was out of my depth.”

“You were out of your depth the day I was born.” Buck told him, then smacked his forehead. “Oh no, sorry. I forgot I was an easy baby, but then I started actually requiring  _ parenting  _ so-”

“You were not an easy kid.” His dad said, and Buck’s mouth snapped shut. “I know I’m not supposed to say that, but it’s true. You were difficult, you got into trouble, you didn’t do your homework, you’d have these freakouts. I wasn’t equipped to deal with it.”

Well at least they were being  _ honest _ now. This was a first, even if it was infuriating. “I have ADHD along with six million other people in the United States. That’s six million  _ other  _ problem kids whose parents could also use the same excuse for being a shitty parent.”

“I didn’t say I wasn’t a bad parent.” Thomas shot back. “I said you weren’t an easy kid. And I wasn’t equipped to deal with that. I thought everything would be easier the second time, but raising Maddie didn’t prepare me for raising you.” 

”Wait, you think you raised Maddie? I’m not sure she’d agree with that opinion.”

“I worked my ass off to give her a good life so I would think - no.” His dad interrupted himself, almost sternly. “No, I didn’t come here to argue. Clearly we have some different opinions on what it means to ‘raise a kid’ but-”

“I think the traditional definition has something to do with nurturing and generally giving a shit-”

“Like I said, I didn’t come here to argue. But we can both agree that… I fell short with you.” Thomas admitted. “I failed with you. When you were younger and started acting out, I did  _ try.  _ I read books and talked to psychologists and somehow everything I did was still wrong. And I had to switch jobs so we could afford the house and - I was too tired. And impatient. I didn’t know how to deal with you. And that’s my fault. Evan, I admit that’s my fault….  _ All  _ of it was my fault.”

His voice choked a bit over the word  _ all  _ and Buck knew what that meant. 

They were back to Benji. 

Buck knew he was supposed to say that it wasn’t his dad’s fault. It’s what he had said to his mom last summer, after realizing how much guilt she had internalized and how that had eroded at their already fragile relationship over the years. 

But when he’d written that letter to his dad, it had all come pouring out. All the anger, frustration, and the  _ blame  _ that was built up over the years. Even if he hadn’t said the exact words ‘it’s your fault’ it was written in between the lines, in every other accusation. 

“I thought it was  _ my  _ fault for the longest time.” Buck told him, his chest heavy with a growing realization. “I thought that - I always felt like there was something wrong with me. And so it felt like my fault, something that  _ I  _ did when he hurt me. And you - you’re sitting here telling me that you failed with me. But that’s wrong.”

There was something that looked like distant hope in Thomas’s eyes - it was such a strange expression that Buck could barely recognize it on him.

“As a parent - yeah, you failed.” He pushed on, and saw the light dim. “You weren’t there when you needed to be, you did a lot of things wrong and worst of all - you stopped trying.”

That was why it was so much easier for Buck to put himself in Rachel’s shoes. To give her the benefit of the doubt and clearly see  _ why _ she was falling short. Maybe it was because he could recognize a bit of himself in her, in the way that she kept trying even after getting it wrong over and over again. 

The idea of just  _ giving up  _ like Thomas had... was foreign to him. Buck wasn’t built that way.

“You didn’t fail  _ with me,  _ though.” Buck insisted, saying it as much for himself as for Thomas. Maybe even more so. “I’m not a  _ failure.  _ I’m not wrong or broken. I never was. And the fact that you made me feel that way is where you failed the most. You should’ve never stopped trying, because parents don’t get to do that. They don’t get to give up. Especially not when their kids need them most.”

It was something that he’d never been able to put words to growing up. Not until he had become friends with people who had children, seen how even though they weren’t perfect parents, that they stumbled and messed up, they kept pushing forward. 

_ I’ve failed that kid more times than I care to count,  _ Eddie’s voice drifted through his head, strong and clear.  _ But I love him enough to never stop trying. _

“You gave up on me. And that didn’t break me - but it broke our relationship. And even if you _ did  _ want to, I don’t think it could be fixed at this point.”

“What if I did, though?”

It was said so quietly, Buck wasn’t sure he’d heard correctly.

“What?”

Thomas cleared his throat, looking more uncomfortable than Buck had ever seen him, and spoke again. 

“What if I wanted to try?”

It felt like he’d waited his entire life to hear those words. 

All he’d ever wanted as a kid was to feel  _ wanted.  _ For his dad to actually want to spend time with him, not just reluctantly tolerate his presence at best - and look at him like he was a waste of space at worst.

And yet there was that persistent tug on his gut that just kept saying  _ why now? _ Was it just because he’d sent that letter and his dad had seen it as something of “last call”? 

Or even if it was just the opening he’d been waiting for… it had still taken him this long.

“I’m not sure I do.” Buck admitted. 

He thought about the baby shower, even about how his stomach had dropped with dread when he saw that he had a voicemail from his  _ father  _ of all people yesterday. As much as he liked to imagine the possibility of a future where he could get a message from his dad and not immediately assume that someone was dead, that wasn’t something he was eager to work on at the moment.

“I think - I need some time.” Buck said honestly, “I’ll see you at Maddie’s wedding next weekend but after that… I don’t know. I think some space would be good.” 

Thomas’s face dropped just a little. It was almost impeccable and Buck wouldn’t have been able to catch it if he wasn’t looking so closely. 

“So, that letter really was a goodbye then? You meant it?”

“Yeah.” He caught the waitress’ attention and politely waved her over. “Excuse me, can I get a box for this?” Buck indicated his untouched pancakes. “Sorry, ended up not being hungry.”

When she was gone, Buck turned back to see his dad’s genuinely stricken expression. It was probably terrible how  _ good  _ it made him feel to see that - not because he wanted to hurt his dad, but because it meant maybe Thomas did care.

And maybe someday they could build on that.

“I’ll still see mom and I’m sure we’ll still see each other occasionally,” Buck told him. “But I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to feel obligated or do visits or worry about what you think about me. It’s not good for me. At least not right now.”

He didn’t know if he would  _ ever  _ want those things, but he also didn’t want to close that door completely. Maybe in a year or so he’d want to accept the olive branch that Thomas was offering. 

Or maybe he’d want to slam the door shut forever.

Thomas’s face twisted a little like he’d swallowed a lemon. Buck wondered if he’d try to argue, or even say that it was now or never (which… if that was the case his answer was certainly not going to be ‘now’). 

He took a sip of his coffee and made a face.

“This is really bad.”

“It is.” Buck agreed. “The food’s good though.”

Like Buck’s pancakes, Thomas’s biscuit and gravy was still untouched. He didn’t spare a glance at it as he sighed and said, 

“I don’t like it, but I can… I can understand it.” 

His voice was tight and Buck got the feeling that he was holding back a lot of emotions. Anger, definitely, but possibly some sadness too.

The waitress came back with boxes for them and Buck packed his away quickly. Maybe he would swing by North Hollywood to surprise Christopher with them - it was a Sunday and since Eddie had it off that was usually their day to sleep in. 

The waitress also dropped off the bill but when Buck reached for his wallet Thomas held up a hand and shook his head. 

“I’ve got it.”

“You sure? I’m not broke or anything-”

“No, I asked if we could meet, it’s on me. That does remind me though…” Thomas reached into his own wallet and pulled out a folded envelope. “This belongs to you.”

Buck accepted it with some trepidation, eyeing it as if it might explode. “And this is?”

“Your money. It’s the check you gave me.”

“Oh for -” And they’d been doing so well. “I told you to cash this!”

He’d known that Thomas hadn’t, obviously, because the money was still sitting in his checking account but he’d thought maybe his dad was just waiting for payment in full. 

“It’s your money.” 

“I told you, I don’t want to owe you anything-”

“You don’t.” Thomas insisted, sounding somewhat chagrined. “I offered to pay for your tuition and that was never contingent on you graduating. I wish you  _ had,  _ but you’ve - you’ve built a life for yourself here. And I might not like or understand why you would choose a job where you put yourself at risk every day while being severely underpaid… but I can respect it. Your money is hard earned and I wouldn’t feel good taking it.”

Buck hesitated. He couldn’t tell if Thomas was saying that he felt bad taking the money because his job was so difficult or because he just thought Buck didn’t have a lot of it. 

“Besides,” his dad went on, rolling his eyes. “If we went back and calculated  _ every  _ penny that I spent raising you, then you’d go into debt trying to pay me back. Just… consider it part of the cost of being a parent. It’s the least I could do.”

He would be offended at his dad’s insinuation that he’d go into debt if he didn’t know it was one hundred percent true and not even necessarily a dig at how much money he made. Not that it was a secret firefighters were underpaid.

“Okay,” Buck said reluctantly, folding the envelope back up and tucking it into his pocket. “Just so you know though, this doesn’t change anything.”

“I know.” Thomas’s answer was simple - Buck couldn’t tell if he was disappointed or not. “I’ll see you at the wedding.”

“See you at the wedding.” He stood, feeling odd about the whole encounter. 

It had turned into one of the most civil, surprisingly honest conversations he’d ever had with his father, and it was the last time they would be speaking for a while. Buck wasn’t sure exactly what he’d been expecting - more shouting, maybe? Lots of awkward silences? - but it hadn’t been this. 

Buck had almost made it past the booth, wondering for a second if he should say something else, a more formal goodbye perhaps, when Thomas spoke again.

“Buck,” He said, the word sounding strange coming out of his mouth. “Thank you.”

“For what? Agreeing to meet?”

“I never thanked you this summer. For saving my life. I know it’s overdue but… thank you.”

“Of course,” Buck replied, like it wasn’t even a question. Which it wasn’t because it was his job, and just who he was as a person, but also…  “You’re my dad.”

And he walked out of the diner, not turning around to look back once.

* * *

  
  


Maddie and Chimney got married at a beautiful Italian restaurant in West Hollywood. They decided on the venue because Maddie liked the aesthetic, Chimney found out Frank Sinatra used to eat there and kept pushing for it, and the cake passed Bobby’s taste test. 

Since neither of them were religious, they opted for a wine box ceremony, where they picked out a bottle of wine from their favorite local vineyard and sealed it into a box along with letters they wrote to each other, which they were supposed to open at their first year anniversary.

“By that point I’ll be able to finally drink wine again,” Maddie said under her breath, causing everyone standing at the front and sitting at the tables nearest them to break into quiet chuckles. 

Well - most of them were quiet. Buck wasn’t even going to  _ attempt  _ to contain the joy that kept bursting out of him, even if his face was starting to hurt from grinning so hard.

He also might have cried a bit as he accompanied Maddie down the aisle... and also might not have stopped crying since.

Luckily he was joined by most of the crowd as the vows were exchanged - Maddie kept hers simple but impactful, while Chimney’s rambled a bit and were equally heartfelt. Buck even thought he caught Thomas wiping at his eyes during Maddie’s, although he could’ve possibly been scratching an itch.

“You may now kiss the-” The officiant couldn’t even finish the words before Maddie and Chimney sprang forward as one, drawn to each other with magnetic force. This time Buck couldn’t hear his own voice shouting over the din of the crowd cheering and clapping. Josh was squeezing him into a side-hug while Hen and Albert were holding each other and jumping up and down over on Chimney’s side. 

The ceremony transitioned fairly seamlessly into the reception, since it was in the same room and they’d already taken the official pictures before. As everyone mingled and fought each other over the mac’n’cheese balls at the buffet, Buck took a moment to step back and observe his sister on one of the happiest days of her life.

Maddie looked  _ radiant _ as she danced around the room in Chimney’s arms, full of excitement and laughter and life. It was such a stark contrast to her stiff, anxious demeanor during her first wedding, the way she had stressed herself to tears right before the ceremony. 

“Buck!” Maddie whirled over to him with a brilliant smile. Her champagne flute was filled with sparkling water because she was breastfeeding, but she appeared to be drunk on sheer joy alone. “Come dance with me!”

“Okay - okay, but don’t yell at me if I step on your feet.” Buck said, laughing as he let himself be dragged. He caught Eddie looking just a little too amused at his predicament and - when he was sure Christopher was looking the other way - gave Eddie a middle-finger salute in response.

“Hey, you’re better than you were last time.” Maddie complimented him as they got going.

“I was twenty, the only dance I knew was the Wobble.” Buck replied, a little surprised that Maddie would bring up her last wedding, even if he was sure it had to be on her mind.

But there was no trace of angst as she replied teasingly, “Uh-no, I think I have footage of you doing the Soulja Boy dance  _ somewhere.  _ Maybe that will be my wedding gift to Chim…”

“You mean maybe that will be  _ my  _ wedding gift to Chim.” He was sure Maddie didn’t have the footage because he’d snuck onto Maddie’s phone and deleted it after she blackmailed him during a night out with the 118. Although Buck did send it to himself so that he would have a copy… just in case Chim ever had a really bad call and it was the only thing Buck could think of to cheer him up. 

Once they got into the rhythm of it Buck felt confident enough to spin Maddie out and even though they both sort of tripped over their feet with that move his sister’s brilliant smile never left her face. 

“I’m really proud of you.” He told her when they came together again and Maddie’s eyes softened. 

“I’m proud of us.” Maddie reached up to touch his cheek. “I could never have pictured all this ten years ago. I’m not sure what I would’ve thought of it at the time… but I know I’m happy now.”

Buck leaned forward and rested his chin against her head. 

“Me too.”

* * *

  
  


Eddie was missing.

Okay, that sounded dramatic.  The party had been going for a few hours and once everyone’s rowdiness got to be a bit much for Christopher - it was past his bedtime - the Diazes and Carla moved over to the quieter second dining room since most people were crammed onto the dance floor in the main room. 

Buck had been hanging out at their table when they overheard a rumor that there was a fresh tray of mac'n'cheese balls on the buffet line in the other room. So Eddie had been sent off with a promise that he would return with sustenance for them all.

Except it had been over fifteen minutes and now Buck was overhearing Sue Blevins and her husband complaining that the mac’n’cheese tray was completely empty again and there was no sight of Eddie. 

Buck excused himself from the game of truth or dare he’d been playing with Christopher and Carla (which was just as well, the game was getting  _ savage) _ and trotted off into the other room, expecting to find that Eddie had been forced onto the dance floor by Hen and Karen - or worse stuck talking to Rachel about her interior design choices for the new house. But it didn’t take long to figure out Eddie wasn’t in this room either.

He circled back through the hallway connecting the rooms, feeling truly stumped, when he heard soft familiar voices.

“...missed this.” Eddie’s voice floated through the slightly ajar french doors that led outside. “I love seeing Christopher get bigger, seeing him take on the world. But I miss when he was this little. I missed a lot of it.”

He took a step forward, instinct trying to bring him to Eddie’s side, but came to a halt when he heard Maddie’s voice.

“You think you’d do it again?” She asked.

“Have another kid?” Eddie sounded surprised, but thoughtful. “I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it much. Maybe someday.”

“Not anytime soon though?”

“No.” 

Buck peaked through the gap between the doors. There was a small patio with a fountain and a couple little tables. It looked like it was used for additional seating on warmer nights. 

They were facing away from the doors, but Buck could see Gwen’s blue-socked foot poking out from the crook of Eddie’s arm as he bounced her gently and replied: “No I have everything I need right now.”

Maddie leaned across the table and kissed his cheek, before standing up and reaching her arms out for her daughter. 

As Eddie handed her over, Buck pushed the doors open, not wanting to be called out by Maddie for snooping on their conversation. She still waggled her eyebrows at him anyway as she passed, stretching up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek as well. 

Buck leaned down to help her reach, as he stroked Gwen’s silky hair. She was still awake but sleepy and even as he was thinking that her tiny mouth stretched into a big yawn.

“It’s definitely past someone’s bed time.” Maddie said softly, readjusting Gwen in her arms.

“You about ready to call it a night?”

“I think so. We’ll probably do a toast in about ten minutes, then head home.” Maddie moved inside, shooting an encouraging smile at him over her shoulder.

Buck turned back to the patio, where Eddie wasn’t showing any signs that he was planning on moving. His head was tilted up, toward the stars. Buck’s eyes traced along the edge of Eddie’s profile that was highlighted by the glow of the string lights, from the crest of his Adam's apple up to the curve of his smile and his slowly fluttering eyelashes.

There was also no sign of the requested mac’n’cheese balls, indicating that Eddie had failed in his quest. It would be easy to tease Eddie about it, to bounce over to him with a lope and an easy grin, demanding the location of the promised appetizers.

Instead, Buck moved calmly across the patio, pulling out the chair Maddie had just vacated to accommodate for his longer legs.

He too looked up at the stars.

“It’s a clear night.” Eddie said, not looking over at him. “Wind finally cleared out the last of the smoke.”

Buck murmured in agreement. “Guess the Santa Ana’s can be useful sometimes.”

“Mmm.”

“This is a nice little patio - I really like this  _ venue. _ I was skeptical when Maddie said they were doing the restaurant thing, but this is nice.”

“I’m just impressed they managed to pull all of this off in a little over a month. Adrianna almost had a heart attack when I told her how short their engagement was.”

“She’s the one who’s getting married, right?”

Eddie nodded, an exasperated fondness passing over his face that felt entirely familiar to Buck. “This summer. It’s going to be a massive wedding, on this huge ranch in Albuquerque. Why she couldn’t just have it in El Paso I don’t know, but a couple days before the wedding we’re all going to have to pack into cars and drive four hours through the desert so Adrianna can live her dream.”

“A ranch huh?” Buck suppressed the smile that he just  _ knew  _ would give him away as he asked. “Will there be horseback riding and Stetson hats at this wedding? Please say yes.”

“Probably.”

“Amazing,” He continued, genuinely delighted. “What about cowboy boots?”

“I’d imagine so.”

Eddie was probably teasing him, but Buck didn’t care. The mental image of Eddie in full cowboy gear was too hilarious - and admittedly a little hot - for him to relinquish the fantasy yet.

Not to mention the cuteness that would be  _ Christopher  _ in cowboy boots and a little cowboy hat. 

“I know you’re probably messing with me, but on the off chance you’re not can you please promise to take a million pictures?” Buck begged. “And videos - better yet, can you just livestream the entire event?”

“Do you want to come?”

Buck furrowed his brow. “Come where?”

“To Alburquerque - well Texas first.” Eddie clarified, still not looking at him. “To Adrianna’s wedding with me. And Christopher, of course.”

He said it so casually. As if he was asking Buck if he wanted to grab a bite on the way back to the station, or come by his place to eat pizza and drink beer.

In a sense, it was the same thing. Eddie was just inviting Buck into his life, into his and Christopher’s life, the way he always had. Making him family before Buck bothered to consider what that could mean. 

But he knew what it meant for Eddie to ask Buck to come to the wedding. To bring him, a  _ man,  _ as his plus-one to a family event. 

“Okay.” Buck replied, surprising himself with how little he had to think about it. 

Eddie inhaled sharply through his nose. “Really?”

“Yeah, it sounds like fun.”

“Great.” Eddie’s voice was small, a little subdued.

They sat there in silence for a few moments the tension thick like the air of a structure fire that was seconds from exploding. Buck snuck a peak at Eddie out of the corner of his eye, not sure if it was on him to say or do something - he was almost entirely positive that Eddie had meant that romantically _ ,  _ but there was always that small chance -

“To be clear, I’m not asking as a friend.” Eddie interrupted Buck’s thoughts, making his heart seize up in his chest. 

He whipped his head around to watch as Eddie uncharacteristically stammered, “I just want to make sure, so that we don’t get there and realize there’s been a big misunderstanding-”

Buck started laughing, feeling the last of his uncertainty vanish. He saw Eddie’s face drop, showing only the barest flash of hurt before he started schooling it into a more guarded expression. 

Shaking his head, Buck leaned forward and placed a hand on the junction of Eddie’s neck and shoulder. He waited for Eddie to look at him, those expressive eyes dilating with hope as Buck leaned in closer, catching the collar of Eddie’s shirt between his thumb and forefinger. 

Buck tilted his head questioningly.

Eddie’s eyes crinkled as they smiled at him. They flicked down, fixating on Buck’s mouth, as he leaned forward, nearly closing the space between them. 

But not quite.

Eddie’s eyes flicked back up.

Then he tilted his head right back at Buck.

_ Are you ready? _

Kissing Eddie was like coming out of a structure fire and breathing in that first lungful of clear air. 

It was pure instinct, the way that their lips sought each other, Buck’s hand making a home on the back of Eddie’s neck, needing to be  _ closer.  _ Eddie’s lips were soft, especially contrasted against the stubble that grazed the edges of Buck’s mouth as he eagerly but  _ gently  _ tried to acquaint himself to the feel of them.

There was a puff of air that felt almost like a gasp against his mouth and Buck only had a split second to question every decision he’d made up to this point….

… then Eddie’s hand was cupping his face, fingers splayed across Buck’s cheek, thumb pressing into the sensitive flesh under his jaw, urging him even closer. 

_ Closer, closer, closer.  _

Buck huffed a quick, relieved breath of laughter that vibrated against Eddie’s lips, which echoed against his own thumb that was caressing Eddie’s pulse point. 

It was a hum of contentment, Buck realized. He’d made Eddie  _ hum _ . 

With a renewed sense of confidence Buck lost himself in the kiss more. He cradled Eddie’s face, memorizing the feel of it with reverent fingertips. A face that he’d spent so long looking at but never  _ touching _ . 

Right now he could touch all he wanted, the sharp angle of Eddie’s jaw, the rub of his stubble as Buck brushed Eddie’s cheekbones with his knuckles, the soft flesh of his earlobes as Buck tugged on it.

“Fuck…” Eddie pulled away, lips swollen from where Buck may have bit down  _ just a little _ . He looked… what was the word?

Oh yeah:  _ debauched.  _ He looked debauched.

As much as that thought sent a jolt of arousal down Buck’s spine, it also made him pause. 

“Too much?” He asked.

“No.” Eddie was a little out of breath. His pupils were blown out like a cat's. “I - _y_ _ es _ . Buck we can’t just hook up out here.”

“Well, yeah, anyone could walk out here.” Buck agreed, feeling giddy as if he'd drank ten glasses of champagne in the last few minutes. He couldn’t help himself - he wagged his eyebrows a bit. “Not that it wouldn’t be  _ fun-” _

Except that Maddie was in there. And Christopher. 

And God help them if  _ Bobby  _ walked in on them.

Eddie scoffed, though his smile was soft as he gazed at Buck like he couldn’t quite believe him. “God you’re something else. No, I mean that we can’t  _ hook up.” _

Buck felt the urge to throw his hands up in the air. But that would mean withdrawing them from Eddie’s face and he didn’t think he was capable of that yet - b ecause who knew when he would get to touch Eddie like this again. 

_ If  _ he would ever get to touch Eddie like this again. 

“I… I hate to say this, but this is kind of the definition of mixed signals here Eddie.” Buck admitted, feeling Eddie’s pulse jump underneath where Buck’s knuckles were brushing against the underside of Eddie’s jaw. “I - you gotta tell me what you  _ want _ . If you want me to go or-”

“No!” Eddie’s hand, which was still half buried in Buck’s hair, tugged him a little closer, his thumb rubbing back and forth over the sensitive skin behind his ear. “Don’t go. I want - I want  _ you _ .”

_ Oh. _

Heart thrumming in his ribcage, Buck leaned forward and closed the space between them again.

Unlike their first kiss, which was passionate and hurried and raw... this one was gentle and slow. Practically chaste. 

Buck pulled away after only five seconds, inwardly congratulating himself on his restraint. This time he wasn’t burdened with thoughts like  _ will I ever get to do that again _ . 

Eddie wanted to do this for real.

_ Eddie wanted him. _

“Do you want to get dinner at that Greek place?” He asked casually. “That bistro up in Burbank. You always mention wanting to try it whenever we drive by.”

Eddie blinked at him, a few times. 

Then the softest, most boyish smile Buck had ever had the pleasure of witnessing broke out across Eddie’s face.  “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” agreed Buck with a laugh. “How’s next Friday?”

“How’s tomorrow?”

“And here I thought you wanted to take it slow.” Buck teased, moving his hand up to the  swoop  of Eddie’s hair, pushing one of the stray hairs that had broken away from the pack back into it. He couldn’t believe he got to touch Eddie’s hair now. There was a small part of his brain that half-expected Eddie to smack his hand away and go  _ what are you doing _ . 

But he wasn’t. He was leaning in. 

_He_ _liked it_. 

Buck was never going to recover from this.

“I never said  _ slow _ .” Eddie countered. “Just that we shouldn’t immediately jump into hooking up.”

“Nope, can’t take it back now. I expect to be  _ wooed _ , Diaz. Do you hear me?  _ Wooed _ .”

He really, really expected that to break the moment. For Eddie to push him away and laugh like this was all a joke. To do his usual patented “Buck you idiot” eye-roll.

Instead, Eddie removed the hand that was tracing slow patterns on Buck’s cheek and used it to grab Buck’s hand. 

“Okay.” Agreed Eddie, his eyes adoring and soft. His thumb brushed over Buck’s knuckles. “I can do that.”

Buck’s heart broke a little. 

He had a feeling it wouldn’t be the first time. Eddie had already broken his heart so many times, before Buck even knew that he wanted him. Just by being himself, by being there, by letting Buck in. 

By letting Buck belong with him.

_ I love you _ .

“I want you too.” Buck said instead, because it was too soon. “God, Eddie. I want everything about you.”

Someday. He knew he would say it someday. Because Buck was Eddie’s and Eddie was his and the craziest thing about all this was that it didn’t feel crazy at all.

_ It just feels right _ , Buck thought, as Eddie ghosted a kiss on his lips before standing and leading Buck inside to listen to Maddie and Chimney’s toast. They stopped holding hands when they got inside, an unspoken agreement passing between the two of them that  _ this  _ needed to just be for them right now. 

But when Maddie burst into tears as she talked about how grateful she was to have all of them in her life, and how she couldn’t imagine having a life without Chimney and Gwen, Buck looked beside him to see that Eddie was already staring back at him. 

And he didn’t speak, or wink, or do anything that anyone else would have noticed. Eddie’s eyes just gleamed, handsome and happy in the glowing restaurant light, his hands gently stroking Christopher’s hair. 

Buck didn’t say anything either, just reached down to kiss Christopher on top of his head, his lips just barely grazing the back of Eddie’s hand as he straightened, only for Eddie to subtly lean against him for the rest of the speech. 

_ Yeah, this feels right. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs:  
> Some vague discussion of past sexual abuse of a child.  
> Discussion of past depression.  
> Discussion of past PTSD.  
> Bad parenting/strained relationship with parent.  
> Some potentially triggering ableist discussion of ADHD and parenting (as someone who has ADD, Thomas is completely wrong).
> 
> Notes (leaving a long line break because spoilers):
> 
> The San Fernando Valley Dream Horses are not real, but are inspired by real similar organizations. 
> 
> I literally could only pick the beginning few lines as a possible chapter summary because I didn't want to spoil anything else lol.
> 
> _And a quick PSA!_
> 
> There are a few people that I know on Tumblr who are waiting until this fic is finished to read it. Therefore I’d like to request that no spoilers from this chapter get posted on Tumblr (even though of course it would be super flattering and I’m always humbled when people actually post about this fic). There’s obviously some big things in this chapter and I would appreciate it if they stayed off Tumblr.
> 
> Thank you so much!


	21. (Not) at the end, pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie started shaking with silent laughter. When Buck gave him an indignant look, he explained:
> 
> “We’re in trouble, aren’t we?”
> 
> “Probably.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you might guess from the chapter title (and the fact that there are now 22 chapters oooooh), this is pt 1 of the last chapter. 
> 
> Initially I had planned to post this all as one long mega-chapter, but it was getting quite out of hand. I also got the first half of the chapter ready first while the second half still requires some polishing and a little bit of fleshing out. So you should expect that in the next couple days, but I wanted to be able to post something today and the first half was ready.
> 
> So if this feels like it ends a little abruptly... well, that's why.
> 
> TWs at the end!

“Buckley!”

Buck skid to a stop with a comical _screech_ , nearly dropping the supplies he was carrying. He quickly rewound the last hour or so in his head, trying to come up with something he did that would warrant Bobby calling him by his full last name in his _captain’s voice._

He swiveled on the spot, heart dropping when his eyes landed on Bobby calling him not from the mezzanine where he normally spent his time, but from his _office._

_Uh-oh._

“Yeah Cap?” Buck asked in confusion, hoping that Bobby was calling on him to wash the truck or something.

No such luck. 

“Come chat with me in my office when you’re done with that.” Bobby told him in a tone that made it clear it wasn’t a suggestion.

“You got it.” Buck turned back to see Eddie shooting him quizzical eyebrows as he leaned against the back of the ladder truck. “What do you think _that’s_ about?” He asked, unable to stop his eyes going wide with panic. 

“I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“But Cap never uses his office unless it’s serious. Do you think the chief changed his mind and decided to fire me an’ Chim for insubordination or - oh god - _maybe-”_

He sucked in a breath, cutting himself off because there were other people around and they still hadn’t figured out how they were going to handle the inevitable fallout of having to tell people at work that they were together.

But what if Bobby...

“Buck, relax, he’s probably just going to call you out for stealing his leftovers from the fridge.” 

“Hey, if it’s in the fridge and it’s not labelled, it’s fair game.” Buck defended, but Eddie’s chillness was achieving the desired effect of calming him down. He slumped his shoulders and heaved out a sigh. “Okay. _Okay,_ I’ll just finish putting this away and go in there and see what’s up.”

Eddie pushed himself off the truck and took the box of supplies from him. “I’ll take care of it, go ahead.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, just go see what he wants. I’ve got it.”

 _I love you,_ his brain said but fortunately did not bypass his brain to mouth filter. 

Instead Buck gave him a small squeeze on the shoulder. “Thanks, you’re the best.”

He entered Bobby’s office with trepidation. It brought back memories of being a young reckless probie and watching Bobby write him up while simultaneously giving him a verbal dressing down. His eyes scanned the desk and was at least partially relieved that there weren’t any familiar forms sitting out. 

“What’s up Cap?” Buck asked, taking a seat. He was struck suddenly with a memory of the last time he’d been sitting in Bobby’s office like this - when he was asking for time off to go see Benji in Pennsylvania. That felt like a lifetime ago. 

Bobby gave him a wry smile. “You can untuck your tail from between your legs, you’re not in trouble.”

It took him a couple seconds to get past the metaphor enough to recognize Bobby’s last few words. Buck straightened his shoulders and smiled fractionally. “Oh, okay. That’s good.”

“Unless there’s something I should know about?”

“Well now that just feels like a trap,” complained Buck.

Bobby chuckled. “I’m kidding. No, I just wanted to clear the air on something. I know that you were really upset that John transferred, so I wanted to clarify any misunderstandings about that situation.”

That was… not the direction Buck imagined this conversation would be going in. “Uh… I was?” He asked, trying to figure out why Bobby would single him out for this. Yeah, he liked John, but they weren’t really that close and it would make more sense for Bobby to pull someone like Martin or Ramirez into his office instead of Buck.

“I overheard you talking about it at his goodbye party.” Bobby informed him, and _that_ Buck remembered. Except that had been partly him venting his frustration at the situation and mostly him fishing to see what Eddie thought, which apparently Bobby had overheard and misunderstood. 

“Right.” Buck scrambled, because the last thing he needed would be Bobby figuring out why he’d been really upset. “I just think - y’know John was really great to work with and I was bummed about him being made to transfer.”

“Well that’s what I wanted to clear up. He wasn’t made to transfer. He requested it.”

“Wait what?” He blurted out, not sure what he’d been expecting but it wasn’t _that._ “Why would he request a transfer?”

“That’s personal business that I’m not at liberty to discuss.” Bobby dropped the official tone as he went on, “However I can say that this job is difficult and there is a reason why interpersonal relationships are highly discouraged. It can lead to complications and stress. Most people aren’t able to handle it.”

Buck was pretty sure he was following what Bobby was hinting at: John had requested a transfer because he wasn’t able to keep working with Tanika while dating her. 

So… that meant… “Are you saying they could’ve kept working here together if they wanted to?” 

“Potentially.” Bobby leaned back, crossing his arms across his chest. “It would’ve had to be put under review and there would’ve been an investigation. But - and this is an unofficial rule that the higher ups don’t like being spread around - usually it comes down to the discretion of the captain. Whether they would consider the relationship disruptive to their work and the rest of the crew.”

“Huh.” Buck tried to keep his tone casual, a bit incredulous that Bobby was just dropping this significant information on his lap without having any clue what it meant to him. Feeling bold, he asked, “So, _hypothetically_ if any other firefighters under your command decided to start dating and wanted to keep working together you’re saying there’s a chance that you’d let them?”

He was treading on very thin ice here and he half-expected Bobby’s face to crumple with suspicion immediately. 

But the captain just gave an exasperated smile and replied, “It would depend on the situation. What their record of working together looked like, how their teammates feel about the situation, how serious the relationship is. _In fact,”_ and Buck did not think he was misreading the way that Bobby arched his eyebrows significantly at him, “My unofficial advice would probably be to wait at least six weeks after the start of the relationship to disclose anything to _anyone_ at the station.”

Buck nodded, not doing a very good job of fighting back the smile that was blossoming on his face. “Good to know.”

“Yeah, figured that might interest you.” Bobby said dryly, erasing any doubt that Buck had. _Bobby knew._ Which would’ve been a horrible situation if he hadn’t just delivered Buck the best news since… well, since Eddie had invited him to his sister’s wedding. “Can you do me a favor and send Eddie in here next?”

“Sir yes sir.”

It was difficult not to _skip_ out of the office but Buck managed it. Barely.

He caught sight of Eddie lurking nearby under the guise of doing a rig check at the engine. In spite of his earlier words of assurance Eddie looked worried as he very unsubtly craned his neck toward Bobby’s office.

Buck made a show of hanging his head between his shoulders as he slumped his way over to Eddie. 

“Cap wants to see you.”

 _“Me?”_ Eddie asked, with the indignant air of a kid who never got sent to the Principal’s office. “Why?”

Buck just shook his head in dismay. “Better get in there.”

“Wait - Buck - hold on -” 

But Buck was already wandering away. 

“Does he - Buck? _Buck!”_

* * *

The Virginia Range, which was just south-east of Reno, was an eight hour drive from Los Angeles.

Which, Eddie was now realizing as he stuffed juice boxes into the cooler, was _long._

Eight hours was a long time to be trapped in a car with someone, particularly a ten year old who was going through the _"_ _are we there yet”_ stage of his humor development. 

Adrianna always said that the true test of a relationship was taking a trip to Six Flags, because if you didn’t run out of things to talk about on the nine hour drive, you certainly would while you were waiting in line for _Batman._ Eddie figured this was about the equivalent of that. In fact, if it had been literally anyone else, Eddie would be questioning his sanity for choosing to bring someone he’d had literally _two_ official dates with on a full weekend trip.

But Christopher was excited even though this meant he’d be banished to sitting in the backseat for the entire trip. And when Buck came loping out of his apartment building with a smile that was far too blinding for it being six o’clock in the morning, Eddie found himself matching his son’s enthusiasm.

“Hey Diazes!” Buck exclaimed as he slid into the passenger seat, completely bypassing Eddie in favor of turning to Christopher. “Chris are you excited?” 

“Yeah!” 

“Me too, this is gonna be an adventure!”

“So I take it you’ve already had coffee,” Eddie pointed out, amused, and tapped on the second thermos in the cupholder. “But in case you want some more…”

Buck’s attention swiveled toward him and his face impossibly brightened even more. 

Eddie had always considered Buck to be an extremely cheerful person and he’d thought he knew what it looked like when Buck was truly happy. But the past few weeks it was like he’d been introduced to a whole new level of Buck’s exuberance. It was similar to the look that he’d get when they returned to the station after an exciting call, yet softer and… calmer. Like he was just mindlessly radiating joy.

“You’re the best,” Buck told him, taking a sip of the coffee and humming in bliss. 

Christopher was digging through his backpack for something - probably his Smithsonian Horse Handbook - to show Buck, so while he was distracted Eddie took the opportunity to slide his fingers through Buck’s and give a brief squeeze. 

Buck’s ears went pink and he squeezed back.

“Found it!” Christopher declared, and Eddie drew his hand back. “Buck do you know the difference between wild horses and feral horses?”

“No, buddy, what’s the difference?” Buck asked, genuinely interested.

“So, feral horses were actually once domestic horses, or their parents or grandparents or…”

The trip passed surprisingly quickly, with Buck and Christopher absolutely kicking his _ass_ at all the road games they played - “To be fair, I am driving and have to keep my eyes on the road.” “Sure sounds like _excuses_ to me, Eddie.” - and the surprisingly engaging book on tape that even Eddie had to admit he was hooked on by the end of it.

Sooner than Eddie expected they were pulling into the campsite for Washoe Lake State Park. “Okay, so we should set up our camp first.” He said. “And then I think we can hit one of the shorter trails before dinner if you guys feel up to it. Now, keep in mind we probably won’t see any horses on this one because we’ll be too close to the campsite and-”

“Horse!” Christopher blurted, pointing out to the side.

Sure enough, there was a horse grazing by one of the picnic tables at a campsite they were driving past. Eddie pushed on the brakes while Buck and Christopher both pressed their noses up against the glass of their windows. 

If the horse was bothered by their presence, he didn’t show it. Instead, he kept munching on the grass. Eddie would’ve guessed that it was a domestic horse if it weren’t for the fact that it was just out in the open, with no bridle or saddle. 

It was, to be honest, a bit of a let down compared to the slo-mo shots of majestic herds galloping across open fields and through rivers, in those documentaries that Christopher had subjected Eddie to (okay - he might have cried a little bit during _500 Miles_ ). But Christopher and Buck were excited by it and their joy was infectious as they unpacked the campsite, still riding the high from their first wild _\- “Not wild, Dad, feral!” -_ horse sighting.

“Uh, what the heck is this?” Buck asked Eddie as they unpacked the car while Christopher was in the tent “organizing” their supplies. 

Eddie peaked around to the trunk to see Buck holding up the _Freeloader_ that he’d purchased for this trip. “Ah - that’s for Chris.” He explained. “Carla recommended it - you strap it to your back and it helps distribute weight. I read this article where a father and his nine year old son summited Kilimanjaro with it.”

“Oh, that’s cool! I thought we were going to literally carry him.”

“We are, but hopefully with this we won’t risk breaking our backs.”

“Speak for yourself, old man.” 

If his son wasn’t literally feet away separated only by a thin layer of nylon, Eddie would’ve had a witty comeback ready for that. As it was, he just smirked, stepped in a little closer while his eyes flicked up and down Buck’s body and said, “I think you’re going to be eating those words sooner than you think.”

Buck swallowed and Eddie’s eyes tracked the movement of his Adam’s apple. “Is that a promise?”

“Dad!” Christopher called from within the tent. “I got everything sorted!”

“Good job buddy!” Eddie shot Buck a wink before he crawled into the tent with Christopher to admire his handiwork. He spotted a large pink card in what was apparently Buck’s corner (judging by the amount of _shoes_ that were piled there - and why did he bring white shoes? What did Buck think this was, a resort?) and recognized Christopher’s handwriting.

“Hey Chris, what’s this?” He asked as he reached for it - and then his heart sank when he read the words emblazoned on the front with glitter letters.

_Happy Valentine’s Day!_

“It’s Buck’s Valentine.” Christopher said unnecessarily. “I made one for you too! Over there.”

So he had. Eddie picked up his Valentine and read it even as he tried to pretend that his thoughts weren’t racing a million miles per hour. “Thanks Christopher, this is great!” Eddie forced himself to muster the enthusiasm and gave Christopher a big hug. The last thing he needed was for his son to misinterpret his panic for Eddie being upset with him.

No, it wasn’t Christopher’s fault that Eddie was a fucking _idiot._

It hadn’t occurred to him when he’d been planning this trip, when he’d literally been requesting _February 13th - 15th_ off, what Sunday’s date would be. Eddie had spent a good majority of his life ignoring Valentine’s Day. In high school he’d actually had a girlfriend break up with him because the date he planned for them wasn’t romantic enough. By the time he was with Shannon, Eddie was a little better at the whole dating game but they’d really only had one Valentine’s day together before he shipped off. After that it just became a day for guilt and some awkward disrupted Facetime calls. 

But now Eddie was realizing that he’d invited Buck to spend _Valentine’s Day_ weekend with him and Christopher before they were even together - and then they’d started dating shortly after. Oh god, what if Buck had thought that was a romantic gesture? 

What if _that_ was why he’d started flirting with Eddie more and then felt comfortable enough to kiss him? 

How would Buck react if he found out the whole reason that they were together was based on a misunderstanding?

The question haunted Eddie throughout their short hike - in which they didn’t see any horses, to Christopher and Buck’s immense disappointment - and as they ate dinner and settled in for bed.

He didn’t give voice to it though until he was certain that Christopher was asleep, completely conked out from the excitement of the day. Buck was having a harder time falling asleep, if the constant rustling of his sleeping bag and rolling over was any indication (Eddie wasn’t sure whether or not it was a coincidence that Buck’s restlessness was slowly bringing him closer to Eddie’s side of the tent, but he was leaning toward _not)._

“Buck?”

“Yeah…?”

“I have to be honest with you.”

“Uh-oh. Is there where you tell me you’re an undercover _CIA_ operative and I’m part of a long ploy to take down a terrorist organization?”

Eddie scoffed in spite of his awkwardness. “Are you affiliated with any terrorist organizations?”

“Not that I know of… although I think my landlord is a Meninist, so that’s something.” 

“So was Kyle, I’m pretty sure.” Eddie couldn’t stop himself from saying.

Buck laughed quietly. “The cute barista? Are you ever going to let that go-”

“I forgot tomorrow was Valentine’s Day.” He cut Buck off with his admission, feeling a surge of embarrassment wash over him as Buck’s mouth fell open. “I didn’t - honestly, I wasn’t thinking about it. It’s never been my favorite holiday and after Shannon left I tried to just sort of pretend it didn’t exist and I guess I got in the habit of it and-”

“Wait.” Buck’s brow wrinkled in consternation. “Are you saying there’s _not_ a glittery card for me signed with your name hiding in your backpack? I feel cheated.”

Eddie relaxed at the joke. But not completely. “I just - I didn’t know if you thought I invited you as a Valentine’s thing.” He admitted, because it felt important to get it all out on the table. He knew better than to let things go unsaid, even this early on. “I had no idea when I asked you - I just wanted you here with us.”

An odd look crossed Buck’s face - it looked almost pained. Before Eddie could worry too much, Buck was glancing across the tent to make sure that Christopher was still snoring softly, then leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss on Eddie’s lips. 

“That’s even better.” Buck told him, his eyes bright in the dim light. “The day doesn’t matter. I always thought it was a silly holiday anyway.”

It was crazy to think that barely two months ago he’d been wallowing in hurt, sure that his feelings were totally misguided and unrequited. Now they were lying barely a foot apart, with so much _promise_ filling the air between them.

It felt too good to be true.

He pushed those feelings aside and reached for Buck’s hand, which Buck let him pull easily so that Eddie could entangle their fingers together.

“So you’re telling me there’s not a card and a box of chocolates with my name on it buried somewhere in there?” Eddie asked, nudging Buck’s backpack with his foot through his sleeping bag. 

“I mean…” Buck’s expression was sheepish. “There _might_ be some of that dark chocolate that I know you like in there, but you don’t have to eat it. I sort of do want to still give you the card though because the pun is really funny and I laughed for like a minute in the Rite Aid when I saw it.”

“We can share the chocolate with Christopher?” Suggested Eddie. “And you know how I feel about puns…”

“You hate them.” Buck agreed gleefully. “That’s what makes it funny. _And_ in total transparency, I wasn’t going to get you anything until Hen bullied me into it,” he admitted. “Not that she _knows_ yet, but she was the one who thought this could be a Valentine’s Day thing when you asked. I had no idea when I agreed to come either.”

Eddie started shaking with silent laughter. When Buck gave him an indignant look, he explained:

“We’re in trouble, aren’t we?”

“Probably,” agreed Buck with a quiet snort. “But - I dunno, I’ve just never really been into Valentine’s Day. The one time I tried to do a big date thing I ended up - well, I ended up in the hospital after an emergency field-tracheotomy.”

“You might have me beat - my worst Valentine’s date I brought my girlfriend of two months to Dave & Buster’s - she broke up with me as soon as we pulled into the parking lot and she realized where we were.”

 _“Dave & Buster’s, _Eddie?”

“I thought it would be fun! It had games and - okay, I probably should’ve realized I miscalculated when I picked her up and she was in the dress she wore to Winter Formal.”

“You’re - ” Buck shook his head, practically glowing with what looked like adoration. “You’re incredible, Eddie. Truly. But I’ll tell you what, I’ll take this non-Valentine’s day over a fancy restaurant date with a wine menu longer than my contact list anyday.”

“And I’ll take this over getting dumped in a Dave & Buster’s parking lot.”

“Stop, I’m blushing.”

  
  


When Buck handed him the card the next day and Eddie read out “You’re _shrimply_ the best” with skepticism and a raised eyebrow at the cheesy picture of a sushi roll, it was worth suffering through the terrible pun just to see Buck and Christopher lose themselves in hysterics for five minutes. 

And Eddie decided that maybe Valentine’s Day wasn’t so bad.

* * *

For the first month or so, Maddie was the only one they told about their relationship - only because Buck was literally incapable of hiding anything from her.

She’d called him up while he was getting ready for his second date with Eddie (okay, so maybe he was deciding on an outfit three hours ahead of time, no he wasn’t a loser, _shut up.)_

“Hello-” Buck was barely able to get the word out before she was running over him in her excitement.

“Are you dating Eddie?” Maddie demanded through Facetime, leaning over her kitchen counter. 

“What?” He floundered, wondering what he’d done to give it away. They’d been so careful! _“Nooo_ \- why would you think that?”

“Really, so what are you doing tonight?”

Buck cursed under his breath. Maddie had asked him to babysit Gwen tonight which he’d cancelled six hours after agreeing because he’d made plans with Eddie. “I told you - I have plans-”

“With _who.”_

“None of your business.” He winced, and really wished this wasn’t a Facetime call.

“Uh-huh.” Maddie looked skeptical, yet triumphant. “Well, guess who also had plans tonight when Chimney asked if they could babysit?”

It was a trap but… “I’m guessing… Eddie?”

“Isn’t that such a _coincidence.”_ She sang into the phone, hopping off the kitchen counter and waltzing into the living room. “Now, you want to tell me what your plans are tonight? And remember that I can see through your bullshit better than anyone.”

Oh god, Eddie was going to kill him. “You can’t tell anyone-”

“Buck!” Maddie exclaimed, then glanced guiltily off-screen where Buck imagined Gwen was. “Buck,” she repeated, quieter but still ecstatic. “Are you serious? When? _How?_ Oh my god I can’t believe this I thought you were going to be an idiot about this forever and...”

So Maddie had known since fairly early on, which Eddie was luckily pretty understanding about. But both of them were on the same page about wanting to keep it quiet while they took some time to just… figure themselves out. 

They started sleeping together before they had sex - a statement that made Maddie squawk like a pelican when she heard it (although to Buck’s relief she refrained from calling it “cute”).

After coming over for movie night with Christopher, Buck ended up staying late so that he and Eddie could get up to some PG-13 shenanigans in the bedroom and just ended up… falling asleep there.

It had felt just as natural and as comfortable as it did when he spent the night in Eddie’s bed while he was monitoring Eddie for a concussion. Except this time, instead of waking up to a cold empty bed and the sound of a shower running, Buck woke up tangled in Eddie’s arms.

“Morning,” Eddie rumbled in his sleepy morning voice, his expression fond and impossibly handsome in a way that should've been illegal that early in the morning. “You know you drool in your sleep?”

He was stroking Buck’s hair in a lazy, content sort of way that suggested he’d been at it for a while. It was so domestic and simple and extraordinary and Buck didn’t think he’d ever felt so loved. 

“I love you.” 

It slipped out. Way too soon, because they’d only been dating for a few weeks and he’d wanted to hold out for at least a couple months - at the very least until they’d had sex.

Except it happened naturally in the moment and there was no panicked obligation to the way that Eddie easily replied, “I love you too.”

A warm, soft feeling spread through Buck’s body, starting from the lips of his fingers and sinking deep into bones, untangling one of the last remaining knots in his stomach.

“This should feel weirder than it does.” Buck mused, tilting his head to graze Eddie’s hand with his lips. “Shouldn’t it?”

Eddie traced his fingers over his lips, at peace. “I’m not gonna question it. I’d rather just enjoy it.”

“I’d rather just enjoy _you.”_

That got an easy laugh out of Eddie, and he surged forward to close the space between them with a playful kiss.

It was easier than it should have been to keep it from everybody (well, except for Bobby apparently). They really didn’t change the way they acted at work and no one batted an eye when they talked about plans outside of work, or even the couple of times when they carpooled in together.

Still, once they reached the six-week mark they decided it would be best to just… rip the bandaid off and tell everybody at once. 

(Everybody except Christopher - as much as he was the person whose opinion mattered most to both of them, he was also a child so they needed to be _sure_ that they were in this for the long-term and that they had a truly solid foundation before they upended his world like that. So Buck was following Eddie’s lead for when he felt that Christopher would be ready.)

For Maddie’s birthday they all gathered at the Grant-Nash’s since a bar didn’t feel appropriate with Maddie still unable to drink, but they still wanted to get her out of her apartment. 

And - with Maddie’s permission - they decided it would be the perfect opportunity to come out officially as a couple.

It was a grown-up party so Christopher was spending the night with Aunt Peppa. Eddie and Buck arrived together, Eddie giving Maddie a kiss on the cheek as a greeting while Buck apologized for their lateness.

“The driveway was full so we had to spend five years looking for street parking that could fit Eddie’s monstrosity of a truck,” explained Buck, which made Eddie roll his eyes.

“You say that like you drive a Prius and not a Jeep.”

“Hey, that Jeep has been with me through a lot. It’s _saved lives._ You’re insulting a life-saving Jeep-”

“Eddie, I’m so sorry.” Maddie expressed genuinely. “I am so sorry for all that you deal with.”

“It’s fine.” Eddie patted Buck on the arm, as if he were about to say something sweet. “I have a ten-year-old, so I’m used to it.”

Maddie laughed and Buck frowned, looking between his sister and his boyfriend. “Okay, I don’t like _this.”_ He informed them, pointing between the pair of them with their _smug_ superiority. _“This,_ this ganging up thing. That’s not gonna be a thing, is it?”

“Who says it isn’t already?” Maddie winked at Eddie and he winked back at her and what was it with Eddie and his allegiance to Buck’s female relatives? Was it too much to ask for just a little loyalty? 

“Oh, stop pouting,” Eddie pulled on Buck’s arm and led him over to the kitchen. “Look, there’s beer.”

“Thank _god.”_

The thing was, neither of them were keen on some big announcement. So they decided to just… stop hiding it. They stuck with each other like glue the whole night, their sides pressed together even when they were talking to other people. Whenever one of them was called away to join another conversation, the other followed. And when Bobby called everyone around the table so Maddie could open presents, Buck led Eddie into the room with his arm over Eddie’s shoulders, and didn’t remove it throughout the entire unwrapping. 

It was only once they were well into the night and a bunch of them were sitting in the nook in the living room, that someone finally took notice.

“Okay, what is this?” Chimney asked, nodding at Buck and Eddie. 

Buck followed Chimney’s line of sight toward where Eddie had rested their linked hands on Buck’s thigh. “What is what?” He asked, partly being purposefully obtuse but also pretty hammered at that point.

“Your _hands.”_ Chimney pointed, mildly accusing. “You’re - why are you holding hands? Is this a bit? What is going on?”

“Chim, leave them alone!” Karen defended them. “They can hold hands if they want - fuck toxic masculinity!” She declared as Hen tugged on her sleeve.

“Babe, I love you, but shhh.” Hen insisted, honing in on Buck and Eddie with a gleam in her eye, while Athena had turned away from her conversation with Michael and his hot doctor boyfriend to surreptitiously listen in.

Eddie’s hand was tighter in his hand and for a second Buck wondered if he was second-guessing their decision and about to bolt from the situation. Fuck, if he wasn’t drunk he probably would’ve been panicking right then too - and poor Eddie, the dedicated driver, was limited to two beers tonight.

“We’re holding hands because we want to.” Eddie said simply, which - okay, that wasn’t quite a cop-out but not exactly a declaration so - “Also we’re dating.”

And he casually took another sip of his water, with his left hand, not releasing Buck’s as he made fierce eye contact with everyone - daring them to react negatively.

“That’s great.” Hen, unsurprisingly, was the first to say something. She kept her face remarkably calm, but her eyes were dancing. 

“Congratulations.” Said Bobby smoothly, raising his ginger ale at them and winking. Actually winking. Behind him, Athena appeared to mutter something that looked suspiciously like ' _told you so'_ in Bobby's ear... and suddenly Buck was doubting whether or not Bobby figured out they were together all on his own. 

Karen looked stunned, glancing between them and Hen, her mouth dropped open, before also raising her glass and declaring, “So _definitely_ fuck toxic masculinity then!”

Everyone laughed, except Chimney who looked like he’d had an anvil dropped on his head. 

“Okay, I feel like I missed a plot point... or twenty.” 

* * *

Calls with kids were always the worst.

There was training at the academy for how to handle the mental and emotional toll of handling a call where children were involved, injured, or even deceased, but nothing could ever prepare them for the real thing.

Bobby still remembered when, three weeks into his probationary period, Eddie had to leave a scene after they loaded a little boy with severe chemical burns onto an ambulance, so that he could throw up out of sight from the team. He’d found the newest member of his team white and shaking in a nearby alley as he explained, “I’m not used to it. The kids. Maybe I was lucky but… it was never kids.”

All of them hated calls with kids especially since most of them were parents one way or another. However they were determined to help so they would suck up or push down their feelings in order to get through the job. 

But when they got back to the station, it would be quiet. Some of them would head off to the gym to work out their angst on a bag, others would throw themselves into mundane tasks, while some would go straight to the kitchen to eat their feelings.

After this particular call, Bobby found Buck and Eddie sitting in the locker-room, talking quietly on the bench. He couldn’t hear their conversation but could tell that it was mostly Eddie trying to pry a response from a near-mute Buck - which was more than a little alarming. Eddie met his eyes through the glass and Bobby tilted his head, trying to silently communicate with him. 

_Let me try._

A look of defeat crossed Eddie’s face but he nodded and after a few more words and an assuring squeeze of Buck’s arm, he left his boyfriend sitting alone on the bench. 

“He won’t talk to me…” Eddie said quietly as he approached Bobby. “I don’t know what to do.”

“You’re not always going to have all the answers.” Bobby told him, setting a light hand on the younger man’s back.

Eddie looked lost. “But he won’t even _talk_ to me.”

“Everyone has their bad days. It doesn’t mean your relationship is in trouble and it definitely doesn’t make you a bad partner.”

He waited until Eddie nodded, even if he didn’t look entirely convinced. 

“Give me a minute with him.” Bobby said quietly. “Go take a break. I’ve got this.”

Eddie wandered off in the direction of the gym, looking over his shoulder a couple times.

Bobby knew that there was insecurity there, rooted deep in Eddie’s relationship with Shannon. But that would take time for him to overcome that - it couldn’t be solved with a simple conversation.

“Hey.” Bobby entered the locker room, leaving about a foot of space between himself and Buck as he sat down on the bench.

Buck looked up and he looked… old _._ It was a startling thought, because Bobby had always thought of Buck as a ‘kid’. But today the worry lines in his forehead were more pronounced, his shoulders sagged like they were carrying the weight of the world, and he looked at least a decade older. 

The low, gravelly quality of his voice didn’t shake Bobby out of the illusion. “Hey Cap.” Buck said tiredly. 

“Tough call.” Bobby took a seat next to him, reminded of the first time they’d sat like this. Seeing how personally Buck had taken his first real loss on a call had worried him, sure, but it had also been what convinced him that he was right about Buck having more depth and potential to him than some hot headed idiot kid in it for the glory. 

“Yeah.” Buck’s eyes were red. “I hate calls with kids.”

“They’re not easy to shake.”

“She was so mad.”

Right, the mother of the little girl. When they'd arrived, the police had still been restraining the mother who had beaten the absolute living shit out of her daughter's stepfather. The man had been barely clinging to life and when Buck started chest compressions the woman had started _screaming_ at him to stop.

“You know that’s not on you,” Bobby reminded his younger friend gently. “Our job is to save people. Even if it’s someone who might not deserve it. That’s not up to us to decide.”

Buck’s shoulders hunched impossibly more, like he was trying and failing not to take up space. “I didn’t even - I didn’t consider not helping. Not for a single second.”

“Good.” Buck’s head whipped toward him with an incredulous stare and Bobby continued, “That means you’ve been doing this long enough, that it’s just ingrained in you. Helping people, helping _anyone_ is instinct to you. Do you remember that baby in the toilet pipe?”

“How could I forget?”

“What that girl did was horrible.” Bobby said frankly. “That was awful. But it was our job to help her too. I don’t know what happened with her, or her baby, but there’s a chance that she got the help she needed, and has now grown up into a better person. Now I’m not saying that this situation is the same, or even close to the same - but it’s not our call. And you didn’t understand that then, but I know you do now.”

Buck looked away and heaved out a shuddering breath.

“My uncle raped me.” 

He said it so quietly, and it came from so far out of left field, that it took Bobby a few moments to really process it. 

Once he had, it took all of his self-control not to react - loudly and with unrestrained emotion.

As it was, Bobby couldn’t stop himself from flinching.

If Buck noticed, he didn’t say anything. “When I was thirteen, he raped me and then… a few years later he tried to do it again but I fought back that time and I threatened to tell everyone so he freaked out and almost killed me.” He told Bobby hollowly. “And for a really long time I tried to just pretend it didn’t happen but it was - I mean, _you_ know. You remember what I was like. I wasn’t exactly _coping._ And I’ve been - I’ve been trying. I’ve been talking about it more and going to therapy and unlearning bad habits, but… how am I supposed to _sleep_ tonight?” 

Bobby felt like his throat was full of tar. He remembered thinking, when Buck had come to his office last summer and told him a little about his uncle for the first time, that it explained a few things. Why Buck _had_ reacted so aggressively to that young mother who dropped her baby in a toilet pipe, why he was so protective of children on calls, and his instant connection with Christopher. 

At the time, he’d known that Buck wasn’t telling him the whole story. And as much as he’d wanted to push, to get Buck to open up to him, Bobby knew that he couldn’t force it. 

But this was… admittedly, his mind _had_ gone there. As a first responder, how could it not? For weeks, even a few months, after Buck had come back from visiting his uncle on his deathbed, Bobby had prepared himself for this sort of revelation. 

Except it hadn’t come. Buck hadn’t opened up to him, and Bobby had let it drift to the back of his mind, only for it to surprise him when he should have been prepared for it.

Buck wasn’t looking at him and Bobby knew he had to force himself to speak. “Do you think you would sleep better if you hadn’t helped him?”

“No.” Buck’s answer came quickly. “No, because what if he’d died? Or what if he dies at the hospital? At least this way I’ll know it won’t be on me - even if I’d hesitated for a second, I’d still wonder about it - wonder if that second would’ve made the difference. I just - I can’t get the mom’s screaming out of my head. And that little girl… she had to watch us saving him.”

“Hen and Ari moved her as soon as they could, she saw very little of that.” Bobby assured him, not surprised that Buck wasn’t aware how long the little girl had been in the room - he’d been so focused on his patient. “And saving the stepfather was the best thing you could have done for the mother. It will be so much easier for a lawyer to make a ‘defense of another person’ argument if he’s not dead.”

Buck nodded, his eyes watering. “I know... I _know_ that. It’s just - I know it but I don’t feel it?”

“I know.” Bobby sighed and put a hand on Buck’s shoulder, feeling relieved when he didn’t shrug it off. “What you did today wasn’t easy. Can you look at me?”

He waited until he was sure that Buck was meeting his gaze before continuing. “I’m proud of you. You didn’t let your personal feelings get in the way of saving someone’s life. And both the mother and her daughter will be better off because of that. So if you’re lying awake tonight, try and remember that. Try and think about that little girl having her mother free and able to support her, instead of serving time for aggravated manslaughter.”

“Okay.” Buck’s voice sounded small and unconvinced. Bobby wasn’t expecting his words to sink in right away, but he hoped they would stick with Buck and he’d remember them when he went to sleep that night.

“And…” Bobby hesitated, because he’d really tried to avoid crossing this line so far. There wasn’t exactly a handbook for how to navigate two of your subordinates dating each other - the higher-ups had been pretty clear that it was more or less an “at your own risk” scenario and they weren’t going to endorse it. “I don’t want to cross any boundaries... but Eddie wants to help. You should talk to him.”

He could feel the tension on Buck’s shoulders as he heaved a long sigh. “I _know._ I just - when we were just friends it was hard enough talking about it with him but now it’s… I just don’t want to drag him down. We’re _happy,_ and it’s good, and I don’t wanna ruin that.”

“Can I ask you something?” Bobby waited for Buck to nod. “Have you ever talked to a significant other about this before? Abby, or Ali, or anyone?”

“No.” Buck admitted. “No - with Ali we mostly talked about the good stuff. We never let it get too heavy. I think that’s maybe why she wasn’t really ready to handle all that stuff with my leg and me wanting to go back to work after it. I only ever talked to her about the fun parts of the job before that. And Abby… after we had our talk - you probably don’t remember, but she’d just had to cancel this big date I had planned-”

“The hot air balloon. I remember.”

“Right, well you told me that she needed someone to step inside the box she was in with her mom, or something like that.” Buck said, and Bobby was impressed that his words had made such an impact on him. There were times that he felt like his advice just went in one of Buck’s ears and flew out the other side, but occasionally Buck would surprise him by how seriously he took Bobby’s words to heart. 

“And so I talked to her about it and she said she didn’t want to put me through having to hear about everything with her mom, and I told her I did… and then I started thinking about how I was asking her to be open with me, but I wasn’t doing the same thing with her.”

Bobby had a feeling he knew where this was going.

“So… I opened up to her a bit. I told her a bit about my parents and Maddie, and I was… I was working up to talking about Benji. Then her mom died, and it wasn’t the right time.” Buck continued, confirming Bobby’s suspicions. “So I waited, and then she went to Europe and I kept waiting and waiting and then… stopped, eventually.”

“But she didn’t leave because of you.” Bobby reminded him. “And Eddie isn’t Abby. The whole reason that the two of you - against all odds - _work,_ is because you understand each other. He wants to be there. You should let him.”

“What if he leaves too?”

“I think Eddie deserves a little more credit than that, don’t you?”

Finally, the faintest trace of a smile appeared on Buck’s face. 

“He deserves all the credit.”

“Then talk to him.” Bobby insisted. “And I think your relationship deserves more credit than you’re giving it. Just because you’re entering a new phase of it doesn’t mean you’re starting over. You’ve already got a strong foundation, just keep building on it. And not for nothing, but I wouldn’t have vouched for you two with the Chief if I didn’t think you had what it takes.”

Now Buck’s face was turning red, but his smile looked stronger as he turned toward Bobby and pulled him into a hug. 

“Thanks Cap.”

Bobby hugged him back, allowing himself a brief moment to feel the fiercely protective emotions that he’d pushed back when Buck initially told him. Even if it wasn’t rational and he had to draw all sorts of lines in the sand after the lawsuit to make sure that they could keep things professional… he’d never be able to entirely shut down the instinct that told him this was _his kid._

“I am so damn proud of you.” Bobby told him, trying to convey what he was feeling without saying it directly. 

“You’ve come so far, kid. Don’t ever forget that.”

* * *

Buck knew that basically everyone expected him and Eddie to just fall into bed together - metaphorically, not just literally. Definitely _already_ thought they were sleeping together when Buck and Eddie had told them, if the eye rolls and jokes about “no sex in the ambulance!” were anything to go by.

But it had been over two months and they hadn’t had sex yet and Buck was beginning to get antsy. 

“I’m good at sex.” He told Monroe, leg bouncing against the chair. “I _like_ having sex. And I’ve never - I’ve never gone this long in a relationship without having it. I mean, I guess technically with Abby but we weren’t really together and we weren’t physically seeing each other all the time. But this feels backwards to me - I knew I was in love with him before we even kissed, and two months later all we’ve done is dry-hump like teenagers on the couch.”

Monroe didn’t bat an eye at that and Buck didn’t expect her to. “So you’re ready to move your relationship in a more physical direction?”

“I’ve _been_ ready. But I can’t screw this up, y’know? And I always rush into sex. Even with Abby… to me it felt like forever and like I did everything right and it felt like a serious relationship to me, but for her it -” He hesitated. “I don’t want to say it wasn’t serious for her, but it definitely wasn’t as serious as it was for me. And sometimes I wonder if I’d taken a bit more time, taken her on more dates, y’know _wooed_ her a bit more before we jumped into bed, maybe she would have taken me more seriously than just a fling.”

She looked at him knowingly. “Did _Abby_ call it a fling, or -”

“No.” Buck admitted, sheepish. “But it was, wasn’t it? I mean, I know she cared about me, but we never talked about the future. It felt serious to me because of everything with her mom, and how I felt about Abby. For her, it was more like a distraction.”

“You don’t know that. You also can’t know whether or not waiting to have sex would’ve changed the outcome of that relationship. Regardless, Eddie isn’t Abby.”

“Yeah, so it’s way more important that I don’t screw this up.” He insisted, eyes wide. “But every time we’re together I have to hold myself back, and I know that’s just my compulsive need to have sex. Like I’m trying to screw this up before it’s even had a chance to begin.”

Monroe regarded Buck with furrowed brows and he couldn’t tell if she felt sorry for him or thought he was an idiot. 

Finally, she spoke. “Or you’re just horny.”

Well… yeah.

In spite of Monroe’s words, she didn’t encourage Buck to just throw himself at Eddie and see what happened (even though that’s what Buck really, _really_ wanted to do). 

Instead, she gave him _homework_.

“I think it would benefit you both to talk about it, before advancing into a more physical stage of your relationship.” Monroe suggested, as Buck tried to stop his eyes from rolling skyward at the dreaded ‘t-word.’ “Air any concerns either of you have out in the open, discuss boundaries that need to be set, or preferences.”

“Isn’t there such a thing as ruining a good thing by over-complicating it?” Buck protested, alarm bells going off in his head.

“It could, but something tells me that likely won’t be a problem for you two.” Pointed out Monroe and okay yes, she had a point, historically Buck and Eddie’s issues came from them _not_ communicating with each other. “Make it work for you, for your relationship. You don’t have to make it too serious or clinical. But this is new territory - for _both_ of you. I think you’ll find that if you talk it out a bit before jumping into it, you’ll both be more comfortable and get more enjoyment out of it.”

Buck may have balked at the prospect of bringing it up to Eddie, but Eddie had been surprisingly chill about it.

“I hate being called babe. Don’t laugh.” Eddie said sternly as Buck immediately made a noise of a poorly disguised chuckle. “I don’t know what it is, but it’s always made me cringe. First time I ever got a hand-job, and I almost lost my boner because she went, ‘yeah you like that babe.’”

“But you did not, in fact, like it. _Babe_ _.”_ Buck wasn’t surprised when Eddie swatted him on the arm - he sort of had it coming. 

It was a Thursday they both had off, Christopher was in school, and they were taking advantage of the empty house… by laying on top of the covers of Eddie’s bed, completely clothed down to the socks on Eddie’s feet, and talking about sex instead of having it.

There was something kinda… _hot_ about seeing Eddie get red talking about what he liked and didn’t like. Buck had spent so long actively not putting Eddie and sex in the same category, that it gave him a thrill to hear Eddie admit that he liked being bitten.

“Alright sorry, sorry. I promise I will leave babe out of the bedroom.”

“Thank you.”

“I might start calling you that on shift though.”

“Don’t you fucking dare.”

“ _Babe_ , can you get the jaws? _Babe,_ I need a ten gauge over here. _Babe -”_

Eddie pressed his palm to Buck’s mouth and mock-glared at him over Buck’s muffled snickers. “I think that’s more than enough of _that,”_ but there was laughter in his voice, and his eyes were scrunching up with glee.

“Alright, alright.” Buck promised, peeling off Eddie’s hand and squeezing it. “Although I should probably tell you, I don’t like being shut up during sex.”

Eddie rolled his eyes so hard Buck was surprised they didn’t fall out of his head. “Buck I have a son. And no offense but you’re… ” His ears flushed a dark red color. “You’re not exactly _quiet_.”

“Oh yeah, I like being noisy.” Buck smirked as he watched Eddie swallow hard, the muscles of his abdomen contracting under Buck’s arm. “I can be fucking _loud_ . But I can be quiet too if I need to be. And if I am being too loud you can ask me to be quiet. But just don’t - don’t _make_ me be quiet when we’re having sex. I really don’t like it.”

It was weird, bringing it up so casually. With previous partners if they put a hand over his mouth or pushed a pillow in his face he usually just forced himself to get past his discomfort. Most of them had been one night stands so there wasn’t a point in saying _hey maybe don’t do that again._ Mostly, it felt like a weird thing to have a problem with. 

The only danger with Eddie was that he would understand a little _too_ well why Buck would hate being forcibly silenced, and that by bringing it up he’d just put a massive damper on their lighthearted conversation.

“Okay.” Eddie said simply, reaching with his other hand to smooth his thumb over Buck’s forehead creases and Buck instinctively leaned in like a cat. “I won’t.”

They laid there quietly for a few moments, enjoying the stillness of the mid-afternoon warmth, touching each other in a way that was almost lazy: Buck rubbing his thumb over Eddie’s knuckles, Eddie’s hand moving to Buck’s hair and slowly tangling his fingers in the waves, Buck slipping his toes under the ankles of Eddie’s socks.

There was no rush. They had all the time in the world.

“I think I could be into role-play.” Eddie broke the silence and Buck perked up in surprise.

“Yeah?”

“Don’t get carried away - I can already see a million ideas running through your head.” Eddie warned. “But, you remember what a petty, competitive dick you were when I started at the 118?”

“Um, no? I was the biggest sweetheart to you when we met, I don’t know what asshole you’re talking about.” Buck dug his toe into the top of Eddie’s foot teasingly.

“Well, he was a real piece of work, but part of me sort of wanted to fuck him.”

“Oh _did you_ _?”_ There was a light smirk on Eddie’s face that he always got whenever he was giving Buck shit, except there was also a hungry edge to it that sent a jolt of lust to his lower stomach. “When? When we were pulling a live grenade out of a man’s leg?”

“No, that’s when you first wanted to fuck _me_.” Eddie said with a confidence that left Buck reeling a bit because… well damn _,_ it was true. “When we were both working out and you were getting stupidly competitive I kept thinking…fuck, he’s a dick, but he’s strong.”

Buck laughed again, flexing the arm that was loosely wrapped around Eddie’s waist and preening a little. “So what I’m hearing is that you like it when I act like a dick. That’s what gets you going.”

“I’m saying… I wouldn’t be opposed to a little competition once in a while.” And Eddie fucking _winked_ at him with that same little smirk he had when he’d told Buck that they did the same thing _only I’ve done it while people were shooting at me_ (smug fucker). “And because I like you, I might even let you win sometimes.”

“You think, do you?” Buck shifted his hand so that it trailed around Eddie’s ribcage, toward his abdomen. “Those are some _bold words_ from someone who told me, _mmmm_ maybe ten minutes ago? About how you’re extremely ticklish on your stomach,” Eddie’s stomach, now under Buck’s lightly drumming fingers, sucked in a breath of anticipation. “And how I’m allowed to _use_ that knowledge however I’d like -”

Eddie’s hand shot down and caught Buck’s wrist. “You wouldn’t dare.”

“Wouldn’t I?”

* * *

Telling Christopher was probably the most significant step of their relationship, but figuring out _when_ to do that was nearly impossible. 

First of all, while there was a lot of internet advice and articles about how to introduce your kid to someone new you were dating, there was basically nothing that addressed the specific situation of how to tell your kid that you were dating your best friend/coworker/close family friend that the kid already had a close relationship with.

(Eddie knew this, because Buck had actually tried googling it).

The good thing was that Christopher was already used to having Buck around the house a lot, which meant that Eddie didn’t feel so much like he was sneaking around trying to keep Christopher from noticing the extra guest. Even if Christopher didn’t question it though it still felt too much lying and Eddie was overcome with anxiety of what would happen if he kept it from Chris for too long.

A lot of internet sites fixated on this “six months” idea so Eddie decided maybe it would be safe to halve that, considering that he and Buck had arguably been dancing around each other for at least three months before they became official. 

Eddie considered bringing Buck to talk to Christopher about it, but ultimately decided it would be best to keep this one with the _OG Diaz boys._ As much as he knew Christopher loved Buck, he wanted him to know there would always be space for the two of them, and him wanting to bring Buck into the family in a more official capacity didn’t change that. 

Plus - even though he would never say this to Buck - there was always a chance that Christopher would react negatively to the news, and he didn’t want to risk damaging Buck’s confidence in his relationship with Chris. Although Buck would have to deal with the full wrath of a Christopher Diaz temper tantrum at some point, Eddie didn’t want his first one to be Chris freaking out over them getting together.

So he planned it out for one of his days off where he could pick Christopher up from school. It was a Friday, which meant that Chris could take the weekend to process it if he needed to, and Eddie didn’t need to worry about waiting for him to finish his homework before calling him into the living room for a chat.

They settled onto the couch, Christopher smiling up at him, utterly guileless and unaware of the bombshell Eddie was about to drop into his lap.

“So… Christopher.” Eddie started. There was something he needed to talk to Chris about before he told him about Buck, and if this conversation didn’t go well he would have to wait to deliver the other part of his news. “You know how there are some men who like women, and some women who like men… and there’s also some men who like men and women who like women?”

Christopher nodded readily, like Eddie expected him to. “Like Aunt Karen and Aunt Hen.” He replied. “Also - also my history teacher has a husband, and he’s a boy. And my friend Taylor likes boys, only they’re not a boy so that’s why they started asking us to call them ‘they’ this year.”

As always, Eddie was left just a little in awe over how easily Christopher understood some things it had taken him _years_ to wrap his head around. He knew part of it was the message of acceptance that his school really strived to teach… but a big part of it was just Chris and his loving heart. “Right, exactly right buddy.” He praised. “And did you know that there are some people who like men and women… and just people in general?”

Once again, Christopher was quick with his nods.

“That’s good.” Now came the hard part. Eddie took a deep breath. “Well, you know that I loved your mom - I’ll always love your mom.” He added quickly. “I also feel that same type of love toward men, the same way I do with women. I’m bisexual.”

When Christopher was born, never in a million years would Eddie have imagined he’d speak those words out loud to his son. Why would he need to, when he had Shannon and he’d managed to do exactly what his dad had told him to? He’d ‘chosen’ women and there would never be a reason for Christopher to know that he sometimes looked at men and felt his heart skip a beat?

But here he was, laying his heart out fully for his son to see for the first time. Eddie could hear his mom scolding him in the back of his head - _He’s a child, Eddie, this isn’t an appropriate conversation for him. He won’t understand._

Christopher stretched out his arms and it took Eddie a second to realize he was trying to hug him. He moved forward so that Chris could wrap his arms around him, his heart beating rapidly in his chest. “Thank you Christopher, but what’s this for?”

“I love you.” Chris said into his shoulder. “I’ll always love you dad.”

Eddie’s eyes welled up. “I love you too,” He echoed, not really sure how to react. He’d been expecting confusion, maybe some anger, or even just disinterest, but not… this. Pure, guileless love and acceptance.

Christopher eventually pulled back and must’ve read the amazed bewilderment because he said, “When my friend Taylor said they weren’t a boy I asked Carla what I should do and she said give them a hug and say ‘I love you.’” He told Eddie seriously. “She said do that when someone tells you something important like that.”

Oh Jesus. Eddie must have been a saint in a past life to have deserved someone like Carla as a friend. It was a reminder of how abundant with love and warmth and wonderful people Christopher’s life was, filling Eddie with certainty that he was raising his son correctly.

“Carla is right,” Eddie wiped at his eyes, “Thank you. That means more to me than you could ever know Christopher.”

“So…” Christopher looked up at him over his glasses. “Does this mean you’re going to date again?”

No beating around the bush with this kid. Eddie tousled Chris’s hair, shaking his own head. “You’re too smart for me. Yes - in fact I have actually been dating someone. I just wanted to wait until I knew it was going to last before I told you.”

Christopher looked a lot less at ease than he had been when Eddie was told him he was bisexual. He looked like he was thinking hard, then blew out a long breath. “I guess that’s okay.” He said, sounding reluctant. 

Eddie’s heart dropped a little, though he couldn’t say he was totally surprised. He knew that it was hard for kids to see their parents move on with other people - the fact that Shannon was dead made everything harder. “I know it’s not easy.” Eddie told him, placing a hand on Christopher’s shoulder and waiting for Chris to look up at him. “I’ll always love and miss your mom.”

“It’s not about mom.” Christopher said. “I just don’t want anything to change.” 

That wasn’t a surprise either. Thanks to Eddie’s schedule Chris had to live with enough disruption in routine, probably had to feel like he was already fighting for Eddie’s attention. “I know buddy. But I promise you - you will always come first for me Christopher. You’re the most important person in my life. Nothing and nobody will ever change that.”

Honestly that was one of the biggest reliefs about being with Buck: Eddie never had to worry about him not understanding where Eddie’s priorities lay. In fact, Buck had once said, _“Eddie I love you but if you and Chris were standing on a roof over a blazing inferno and I could only grab one of you, I’d pick Christopher every time,”_ and it had taken all of Eddie’s self-control not to propose on the spot.

Christopher nodded, still looking unsure. “Can I meet him?” He asked, clearly having made the connection between Eddie explaining that he liked men and Eddie dating someone knew.

Well, it was now or never. “Actually…” Eddie cleared his throat. “It’s somebody you already know. It’s Buck.”

Owlish eyes blinked at him.

Then Chris laughed. 

_“Buck?”_ He giggled at Eddie. “Really, Dad?”

In all of the ways Eddie had played this out in his head, he hadn’t predicted Christopher _laughing_ at him.

“Are you?” He squinted at his son, suspicious. “Are you making fun of me?”

Christopher’s giggles increased as he covered his face with his hands. 

“You _are_.” Eddie shook his head, at a loss, but unable to stop the smile that was creeping on his face. “I can’t believe this. Here I am, baring my heart and soul, and my own son-”

“It’s funny because people ask if Buck is my dad sometimes.” Christopher told him, recovering enough from his laughing fit to speak. “And I tell them that’s silly. That you’re friends. But now you’re saying you’re not.” 

“Buck and I will _always_ be friends.” Eddie corrected him, knowing that was one of Buck’s biggest concerns about Christopher finding out. “And he will always be your friend. But we care about each other a lot and we’ve realized that there are other feelings there too. Romantic feelings.”

Christopher took in everything Eddie was saying, clearly thinking hard. “Does this mean Buck is going to live with us now?” He asked, and it was only the edge of eagerness in his voice that let Eddie relax slightly. Christopher was obviously still coming to terms with the idea but he was already starting to look for positives in the scenario. “And we can have pancakes for breakfast every morning instead of cereal?”

Now it was Eddie’s turn to laugh. “Okay, Buck living here would not mean pancakes for breakfast every morning.” He told Christopher with mock-sternness, silently reminding himself that he needed to school Buck on saying ‘no’ to Christopher’s puppy dog face. “But no we haven’t talked about that yet bud. Maybe in the future.”

“Okay… so what’s changing?”

“Not much.” Eddie admitted, because he and Buck had already been dating for months without Christopher noticing. “You might see him around more. And… you might see us kissing and holding hands. Which is why I wanted to tell you, to make sure you knew and were okay with that before I sprung that on you.”

“That’s okay.” Christopher said. “As long as Buck still helps me build my new lego set.”

“I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to.” Eddie assured him, rubbing his hand on Chris’s arm. “You know, what I said about me and you… that goes for you guys too. I want to talk about it with just us first, but Buck wants you to know that just because he and I are spending more time together doesn’t mean you guys will spend less time together. In fact, it will probably mean you’ll spend more time together.”

Christopher smiled, seeming much more confident than he had before. “Good.” A ponderous look crossed his face and he nodded, repeating, “This is good. Now we can all be like a family.”

Eddie pulled Christopher to him, overcome with love and gratitude. What had he done to deserve such a special kid? “We are a family.” Eddie told him. “Me and you.”

“And now Buck too!”

“Yeah.” Eddie agreed. “And Buck too.”

* * *

“Viola!” Buck set the warm dish down in the middle of the table with a flourish. “My - what did you call it Cap? Piece the resistance?”

_“Pièce de résistance.”_

“Yeah that. This took me _two hours_ and it had like a million ingredients,” Buck explained happily as he fanned the smell around toward his teammates… who were all regarding him with dubious expressions. “Oh c’mon guys, it’s good!”

They all peered in on the center dish, eyebrows raised.

“... and Bobby was standing over my shoulder the entire time.”

“Oh well in that case.” Chimney quickly took a seat, bumping his shoulder against Buck’s. Eddie was already sitting on the other side and spooning himself a large serving of the Boeuf Bourguignon soup. 

After a few minutes, Tom was the first to speak.

“Holy fuck, it _is_ good.”

“Yeah,” agreed Hen, already reaching for a second serving. “Damn Buck, I remember when you used to steal my food because you didn’t know how to cook anything except pasta…”

Chimney wiped away an imaginary tear. “They grow up so fast…”

“Speaking of,” Buck elbowed his brother-in-law in the side as he pointed toward the stairs, where Albert was approaching with Gwen strapped to his chest.

At the sight of his daughter, Chimney’s entire being lit up like a Christmas tree and he sprang to his feet.

“There’s my baby girl! Albert, what are you doing here?”

“Hey bro!” Albert greeted him cheerily, his ever-sunny demeanor putting Buck at ease that nothing was wrong with his niece. “Figured we’d surprise you guys with a visit, is that cool?” 

“Absolutely, the more the merrier.” Bobby welcomed him in, pulling up a chair for Albert to sit in while they set up Gwen in her travel bassinet. 

“Maddie’s going to be so annoyed.” Chimney told them, as he tickled Gwen adoringly. “I’m already racking up so many favorite points because my work is fun and has shiny things and her work just has a bunch of computers and stressed out geeks drinking coffee. Isn’t that right baby? Daddy’s the fun one! Daddy’s work is fun. Daddy! _Daddy. Dada. Da-Da."_

“And I see that you’re already working on the first word thing.” Bobby commented, amused.

Eddie kept glancing over at Gwen, his expression growing more concerned every time he did. “I think I’m weirding her out, she won’t stop looking at me.” 

Hen barked out a laugh. “What you’re experiencing is ‘the baby gaze’ and it’s actually the opposite.” She informed him as she checked her phone absently. “Babies tend to stare at people they think are beautiful. It’s why babies love Karen so much.”

“Aw, that’s sweet,” Buck laughed, before turning expectantly toward Eddie.

“Why are you looking at me like you’re waiting for a compliment? _I’m_ the one Gwen apparently thinks is beautiful.” 

“Rude. Do you guys see what I have to put up with?” Buck complained, even as Eddie pressed his knee against Buck’s. He returned the touch readily, to let Eddie know it was just a joke.

Yes, Eddie teased him on the regular, but he was also an enormous _sap_ who had once spent a full five minutes comparing Buck’s eyes to the ocean.

“Hey, you knew what you were getting into.” Chimney told him without even moving his eyes from his daughter. _“You_ were the one who decided that you needed more of that signature Diaz Sass in your life.” 

“Thanks Chim. Oh, _speaking of."_ Buck turned to Eddie with minor accusation. “I’m guessing you told your sisters about us?”

Eddie paused, his spoon halfway to his mouth. “Um, yes, how’d you know? They didn’t call you did they?”

Buck nudged his ankle playfully. “Call? What are you, fifty?”

 _"Hey._ Watch it.”

Buck ignored Bobby’s protests and explained to Eddie, “They both followed me on Instagram. Within an hour of each other. And Sophia has been commenting on my gym selfies and I don’t think she’s being entirely sincere in her compliments.”

“You gotta stop with the gym selfies.” Chimney jumped in helpfully. “Maddie and I have been meaning to intervene for some time. They’re getting out of hand.”

 _They’re for Eddie,_ Buck wanted to say. Eddie got a little worked up when he saw people commenting on his selfies and when Buck offered to stop posting them (and just send them directly to Eddie instead), Eddie had swallowed hard and admitted that… he didn’t exactly _mind_ getting worked up about it. 

And Buck could definitely understand that - Eddie hated social media but he got his fair of attention on calls and the days when that happened… well, let’s just say the car rides home on those days were _extremely_ frustrating.

But they were at work and their coworkers really didn’t need to know those kinds of details about their sex life.

Eddie, bless him, brought the topic back on track (although judging by how adorably red his ears were, his thoughts were definitely where Buck’s were), “I told them I was dating someone but not who. They must’ve figured it out.”

“Never underestimate the power of sisters.” Ari nodded with sage wisdom beyond his years. “Once I told my little sister I was dating someone and within thirty minutes she’d pulled up my girlfriend’s driving record and found out she had a DUI.” A beat. “My sister was twelve at the time.”

“Oh god.” Buck turned to Eddie in alarm. _“Eddie.”_

“They won’t do anything like that, they have some concept of privacy.”

“Sophia _scares me,_ Eddie-”

“Oh my god!” Everyone’s head whipped around toward Hen, who had dropped her phone in her bowl of soup. 

“Hen?” Bobby asked in concern, standing quickly so that he moved to her side of the table.

She fished her phone out with shaking hands and wiped it off with her napkin before reading aloud: _“On behalf of the Admissions Committee, it gives us great pleasure to announce that you have been accepted to the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA for Fall 2021-”_

“What?!”

“Yes!”

“All right!”

A cheer erupted up around the table, although it was quickly shushed as everyone checked in to make sure they hadn’t disturbed Gwen. But she was laughing along with them, apparently excited by the festivities rather than scared. 

Buck rounded the table, joining the quickly forming group hug as they all squashed Hen in their enthusiasm. 

“You’re going to be a doctor!” He exclaimed. “A real doctor!” 

“Well, I’ve still got to actually _go_ to Medical school guys -”

“Nope!” Chimney cut off her naysaying before starting the chant: “Dr. Wilson!”

“Dr. Wilson! Dr. Wilson! Dr. Wilson!”

“You’re all ridiculous.” Hen shook her head, but she was grinning ear to ear. “Absolutely ridiculous.” 

* * *

They didn’t rush into sex, but once they started having it they never really slowed down.

Buck didn’t know if that was normal or not. He’d never really been in a relationship long enough for the honeymoon phase to die - unless Abby leaving for Europe counted. He did know that he and Eddie had sex more often than any relationship he’d had, although most of it was hurried and quiet fumblings due to Christopher being a few doors down.

He’d always been a spur of the moment kind of person when it came to sex so it sort of threw Buck for a loop how much planning was required if they wanted to have _literal_ intercourse. It was definitely not the way that things were shown in porn, or even on tv, probably because it wasn’t very sexy to show people avoiding drinking caffeine or eating beans. Between that and neither of them being comfortable when Christopher was in the house, it became something they had to _schedule._

Which at first felt the opposite of sexy, until one shift when Eddie sidled up to him while Buck was innocently sipping coffee in the station kitchen and quietly told him, “Christopher is going to stay with my Aunt on Friday. Want to come over?”

“Oh yeah, definitely.”

“Great, my ass isn’t going to pound itself.” Eddie told him with a straight face that left Buck choking on air, his coffee cup shattered on the floor.

Since then they’d turned it into a game to see what they could get away with saying at work, just out of earshot of their teammates. They more or less took turns on who would be giving or receiving and honestly it barely even mattered to Buck as long as it was with Eddie. He was just as happy with a rushed handjob under the covers if it meant that he got to curl up with Eddie afterward.

For other kinds of sex that required less planning, Eddie was usually the initiator. That was because while his sex drive was certainly healthy, it was significantly less _robust_ than Buck’s was and they’d learned quickly if Eddie was in the mood, Buck almost definitely was. So instead of Eddie having to pull away when Buck started kissing his neck on the couch and tell him he wasn’t feeling it at the moment, it was often easier for Buck to just wait for Eddie to make the move. 

Buck was always eager to reciprocate. In fact, he’d literally never _not_ reciprocated. 

Until one night when Christopher was out of the house for a sleepover and they’d been looking forward to spending some uninterrupted time together for over two weeks. Eddie had cooked dinner for him (he’d been taking lessons with his Abuela in protest over Christopher and Buck’s teasing) so Buck had been cleaning their plates off when Eddie came up behind him, nosing against his neck affectionately and resting his chin on Buck’s shoulder. 

And Buck tensed.

It was subtle, probably too subtle for Eddie to notice as he slid his hands to Buck’s hips. “Love seeing you domestic like this.” Eddie teased, slipping his thumbs through Buck’s belt loops and kissing his neck. “You’re like a suburban dad - we just need to get you a grill.”

Normally that would have caused a wide grin to break out on Buck’s face and he would have leaned into Eddie’s touch, teasing him back about how he was going to buy him one of those _Kiss The Chef_ cheesy aprons like Bobby had and make him wear it. 

Tonight though his skin was vibrating with _stop stop stop_ and he knew he should just push it down because god only knew when they would get a night to themselves again and he didn’t want to ruin anything.

But -

“Hey Eddie, do you think maybe we could just watch a movie or something?” Buck asked him in a small voice, hating himself for spoiling their night. “I’m so sorry I’m just - sorry I’m not in the mood for sex tonight.”

Eddie stepped away and Buck couldn’t bring himself to look at him and see if there was disappointment on his face. 

“Sure.” Eddie said easily, not sounding put-out at all. He completely took it in stride because he was a goddamn saint, and Buck was shocked that he didn’t ask any follow-up questions even once they were sitting on the couch going through the Netflix queue to find something they both liked.

As they were trying to decide between _Friday Night Lights_ and _The Social Network,_ Buck felt himself squirming with the uncomfortableness of the situation. He’d never, not in the entire history of their relationship, opted out of sex before. He didn’t think he’d _ever_ turned down sex from a significant other. It felt wrong and he was sure that Eddie was expecting some kind of explanation.

“My mom had a bunch of boxes arrive from Pennsylvania,” He told Eddie out of the blue, interrupting Eddie mid-sentence as he was extolling David Fincher’s cinematic genius. “She put them into storage when they moved, and I was helping her go through them this morning.”

Eddie’s brow furrowed and he looked perplexed at the non-sequitur. “Okay?”

“Most of it was stuff she hadn’t looked at in years. Some of it she put away back when I was in high school, middle school even and hasn’t touched since.” Buck cleared his throat, wishing it didn’t sound so hoarse. “There was this photo from my seventh grade baseball end-of-season picnic. Somebody else must’ve taken it since I remember my parents didn’t come. I think maybe it was Jenny. But it was this photo of me and Benji.”

There was a flicker of understanding in Eddie’s eyes - followed by a brief flash of anger - before he carefully schooled his face. He didn’t say anything, just nodded for Buck to continue.

“I remember being excited that he was coming, because he’d barely been able to come to my games all season. And in the photo I just looked so happy and excited and he had his arms around me and I just thought - ‘fuck, he raped me two months after this was taken.’”

Eddie inhaled quickly through his nose with a sharp whistling noise. “Buck, you don’t have to-”

“I just wanted to explain.” Buck cut him off. “So that you didn’t think it was anything you did, because it’s not you I just - I don’t want to be with you while that’s in my head.”

“That makes sense.” Eddie agreed. “And I’m glad you feel like you can talk to me about it. I want you to feel comfortable talking to me about anything. But I also want you to know that if you don’t want to have sex you don’t need to _justify_ it to me. You can just say no and I won’t question it.”

He said it so simply, like it was obvious. And distantly Buck knew that it _was_ obvious, because it was something that had been drilled into his head over and over again. He’d learned at a young age to always ask for consent _,_ and it was something he took seriously.

But it had just… somehow it had never occurred to him that it could go both ways. Even though Eddie always made it a point to be vocal about asking him what he wanted, it had just been so ingrained in him that he didn’t turn down sex. He didn’t get to not be in the mood. Everyone knew him as the guy who was always DTF, so why would he ever say no?

“Oh.” Buck said, at a loss. “Okay.”

Most likely without even realizing what he was doing, Eddie went in for the kill. “I’m with you because I want to be with _you._ Sex is just one part of that. If you’d rather spend the night watching a movie I’m happy to do it, if it means I get to be with you.”

There was a good chance Buck was about to cry. 

When Buck had told Monroe, nervously, about getting together with Eddie, he’d expected her to tell him it was a bad idea. That he was too damaged to start something that serious, and he was falling back into bad habits. 

But she had surprised him.

“The support of a healthy relationship can be a good thing in the recovery process.” She had told him. “So long as you don’t let it become a crutch, or a roadblock.”

“But you don’t think I need to wait until I’m fixed or whatever?”

“You will never be ‘fixed’ because there’s no such thing.” Monroe had reminded him sternly. “You will feel better some days, and worse other days. And as you put in the work, the good days will start to outnumber the bad, and when you do have bad days you’ll have the right tools to deal with them. But the most important thing is that _you are not broken,_ and you do not need to be fixed. Not by me, and also not by a relationship.”

Sitting next to Eddie on the couch, Buck felt like he understood Monroe’s words a little better. Being with Eddie… it wasn’t a solution to his problems. It was a chance to observe them in a different light, to tackle them with the familiar feeling of a partner at his back. 

He didn’t _need_ Eddie in order to overcome them. 

But he was so damn glad that he had him.

Buck kissed him, tenderly and slowly. Without sexual tension or any real agenda, but just because he could.

He also tried to use Eddie’s distraction as an excuse to steal the remote from him. Eddie caught on quickly though, pulling his arm back and out of even Buck’s lengthy reach.

“C’mon!” Buck huffed against Eddie’s lips, pulling back to see Eddie shaking his head at him in dismay. “You just had that big speech about being happy to do what I want to do, and _yet_ you won’t let me pick the movie?”

“It’s not your turn!”

“Friday Night Lights is a _classic,_ though! _”_

“Eh, I think the tv show is better.”

“Haven’t seen it.”

“Of course you haven’t.”

* * *

“Look Christopher!” Buck called out, turning on the sink in the kitchen area and gasping in horror when nothing came out. “The sink is broken!”

Christopher laughed, reaching up to flip the faucet on in the bathroom section. “This sink is broken too!”

They both giggled about it for a good five minutes, going around the staging area of IKEA, while Eddie shook his head in the background.

“You know, he’s going to feel so betrayed when he watches that movie and realizes none of your best material is original.” Eddie told Buck quietly while Christopher bounced up and down in the mattress section.

“Pshhh, Chris is gonna be more of an action movie guy, not a romantic comedy guy.”

“But, if he gets a girlfriend.” Eddie stopped to consider, “Or boyfriend…”

“It is _way_ too soon to be thinking about Christopher dating!” Buck protested, looking horrified. “He’s just a little kid-”

“He’ll be starting middle school in the fall.” Not that Eddie needed the reminder, he’d been dealing with the headache of applying for a new school the last few months. Luckily Christopher had been accepted into the same school most of his friends would be going to, so it would hopefully be a drama-free transition. “Before you know it, there’ll be middle school dances, and asking for us to drive him to the movie to go on dates, and -”

Buck put his fingers in his ears. _“Lalala_ \- if I can’t hear you then it’s not going to happen.”

Eddie pulled his hands down playfully, “Oh, you better be prepared because odds are he’s going to want you to drive him more than me because he’ll be less embarrassed by you.”

“Nonsense.” Buck said, letting his fingers intertwine easily with Eddie’s and swinging their clasped hands between them as they walked through the mattress section. Eddie had finally decided to invest in a new one - he’d bought the old one used - and since Buck was the one who always complained about it not having enough back support Eddie figured he deserved a say. “I plan to be just as embarrassing as you a few years down the road. That’s how I’ll know I’ve made it, when Christopher doesn’t want to be seen with me around his friends.”

It was a joke, but it filled Eddie with a burst of affection. Another casual reminder that Buck was in it for the long haul: he wasn’t even entertaining the possibility of going anywhere.

Standing here, in the Burbank IKEA while his son bounced from bed to bed, Buck’s hand warm in his, Eddie had never felt more at home.

“When does your lease run out? August right?” He asked Buck, and felt Buck’s hand squeeze instinctively around his palm.

Buck looked at him, eyes alight with hope and happiness. “Yeah. I haven’t signed next year’s lease yet, so…”

“So maybe don’t?” Eddie finished the thought, feeling confident that they were on the same page. “I know it might seem too soon, but-”

“Not at all.” Buck told him in a rush, a huge grin on his face. “I was just waiting for you to ask. I figured you should be the one, because it’s you letting me into your home. But I’ve been ready.”

 _“You’re_ my home.” 

“Now who’s getting their material out of a romantic comedy?” Buck teased him, but his eyes were soft as he kissed Eddie on the cheek.

“Dad! Buck!” Christopher called to them from the mattress he was bouncing on. “Can we get meatballs after this? Please, _please?_ ”

Eddie turned to Buck and raised his eyebrows. “Okay… your turn.”

Buck cocked his head in confusion, before he caught Eddie’s drift and slumped. “Oh Eddie… no…. please... ”

“I have faith in you.” Eddie encouraged him, teasing but firm. “Just like we practiced.”

With a heartbroken sigh, his boyfriend squared his shoulders and walked over to Christopher. “Hey buddy, we’re going to get dinner at your bisabuela's after this, remember?”

Christopher stopped bouncing. His lip wobbled dangerously. “But I want meatballs.”

Eddie placed a reassuring hand on Buck’s back. He could feel how tense Buck was saying ‘no’ to Christopher - how badly he wanted to make the little boy happy. But there was no hesitation when Buck replied, “Sorry Christopher, but that’ll spoil your dinner.”

There was a moment of tension when Eddie wasn’t sure if they were about to undergo the humiliation of a full-fledged breakdown in the mattress section of IKEA. But Christopher just sighed heavily and hung his head before mumbling out, “Okay.” Then he perked up as an idea occurred to him. “Could we get the meatballs _to-go_ and have them for dinner tomorrow?”

Buck’s head whipped around to Eddie and suddenly there were two pairs of blue eyes looking at him pleadingly.

“Alright, we can pick some of the frozen ones up from the market.” Eddie agreed. _“And_ we can even get Slushies at the 7-Eleven on the way home since you finished all your homework yesterday.”

 _“Slushies?”_ Buck crowed at Christopher, tickling him on his sides as he squealed and fell back onto the display mattress. “Isn’t your dad just the coolest?”

“Yeah!”

Their enthusiasm carried them through the long IKEA checkout line and the Swedish Market and the drive home, until they were standing at the Slurpee machine at the 7-Eleven near Eddie’s condo. 

“Okay, just trust me on this Christopher, you have not _lived_ until you’ve tried the Watermelon-Lime and Lemonade combo,” Buck was saying as Eddie paid the bored-looking cashier at the counter. “And my technique is patented. See you do one pump of Watermelon-Lime, then a pump of Lemonade, then _two_ pumps of Watermelon-Lime, then-”

The cashier popped her gum as she took Eddie’s money and looked beyond him toward where Buck was entertaining Christopher with his Slurpee antics. “You’ve got, like, a super cute family.” She told him in an extremely monotone voice.

Eddie followed her gaze and smiled.

“Yeah, I do.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs:  
> There are themes of sexual abuse recovery throughout the chapter and discussions of consent, but the heaviest chapter is the Bobby POV one.
> 
> Discussion of past childhood sexual abuse and attempted aggravated manslaughter. This is mostly in the Bobby POV section, but is brought up in a couple other sections.
> 
> Vague mentions of childhood sexual abuse on a call and attempted manslaughter by the mother of the child. Again, in the Bobby POV section
> 
> Discussions of sex and some sexual content. Frank discussions about sex, but nothing explicit.
> 
> Coming out scenes, and anxieties surrounding that.
> 
> General Notes:  
> The absolutely last thing I want to do in this fic is fetishize their relationship (due to the nature of this fic - I don’t want to create a “sex heals trauma” narrative), but at the same time I don’t want to completely sanitize it since we are in Buck’s POV. At any rate, the themes of sex and consent and hypersexuality are important in this fic. I also did want to show sex just being part of life, including not just fixating on penetrative sex
> 
> Also, like I said, this is just half of this chapter, so there are still things to be resolved (not that necessarily everything will be resolved by the end of this fic... but there is more in-fic-development to come).


	22. (Not) at the end, pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was his family.
> 
> And he wouldn’t trade them for anything else in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs at the end.

The thing about Los Angeles was that when it rained, it _rained._

It wasn’t like other places with more humid climates, where it could thunderstorm in the morning only to clear up by five o’clock for a sunny evening.

No, rain was a multi-day event in Los Angeles. If there was a downpower, that meant it was umbrella weather for the next few days at the very least. The longest rainy streak Eddie had clocked while he was living in Los Angeles was one week of nothing but rain, and another whole week of drizzling.

As someone who’d been assured, _repeatedly_ , that it didn’t rain in Los Angeles, Eddie felt a bit cheated. Whenever Eddie brought that up, Bobby and Buck both would look at him like he was crazy. “It doesn’t _rain_ in Los Angeles,” they’d say, all superior because they’d been raised in the goddamn tundra, apparently. It rained more in Los Angeles than it did in El Paso, and that’s what Eddie counted.

This particular rain had just started this morning, which meant they were likely due for at least another day of it. Which also meant that tomorrow would be a busy shift, because the stereotype about LA drivers not knowing how to drive in the rain was one hundred percent true.

Today, Eddie didn’t really have anything to do other than sit around and… 

Shannon would call it "brood."

Buck would call it "Eddie’s sad boi time." 

Eddie called it being reflective, thank you very much.

Christopher had a long field trip today and Eddie had planned to spend the day rock climbing in Pasadena with Buck. It had still been dry when Eddie stumbled out of bed to drop Christopher off for his class’s (way, _way_ too-early) departure, and by the time he was driving home it was already a downpour. 

So Eddie had just crawled back into bed with his sleep-drunk boyfriend and they had taken advantage of the unexpected lazy morning that had opened up for them.

Afterward, they had just been laying there, feeling content in a way that Eddie hadn’t known he could ever feel again (wasn’t sure if he ever _had_ felt that way before Buck, honestly). They hadn’t really talked, Eddie just quietly basking in the warmth of Buck’s presence while his mind wandered idly over ideas of how they could spend their day - maybe the grocery store, which sounded mundane, but Buck usually liked to scope out one recipe that was too difficult for him to make that he’d try and sort of halfway-succeed at. Their trip would consist of Buck dragging Eddie around the store, trying to hunt down whatever the fuck taro root was supposed to be, while simultaneously pulling Eddie away from the frozen food section.

But before Eddie could suggest this, Buck had suddenly sat up, almost like he was snapping out of a trance.

And then he left, with no explanation.

So now Eddie was sitting on his couch, drinking coffee that felt as black as his soul right now ( _Eddie, you’re so dramatic,_ he could hear Buck saying in the back of his head), wondering what he’d done this time to screw up.

Sex had never been his and Shannon’s problem. They had connected effortlessly, instantaneously from the start. Even when things started falling apart between them, sex had been the last form of communication they had left. 

The last time they had sex in El Paso, it had been intense and emotional. Afterward, they had held each other tightly, neither of them speaking for probably nearly half an hour.

Then, Shannon had gotten up and the air in the room had gone cold. 

And the next day, Eddie woke up to a note on his pillow.

Eddie knew, as easy as it was for everyone to blame Shannon for leaving, that he was equally at fault for the destruction of their marriage - if not more. Beyond the obvious of him leaving Shannon to care for Christopher without him while he ran to the other side of the globe… he hadn’t listened to Shannon. Hadn’t listened to the things she’d been saying to him, about needing to be with her ill mother, about feeling suffocated by the judgement of his family.

Hadn’t listened to the things she _hadn’t_ told him outright but were always under the surface.

_I need you, Eddie. I need you to step up._

_I need you to be my partner._

Eddie also knew that Buck wasn’t Shannon. Far from it, even though there were more similarities between them than anyone aside from Eddie would ever be able to pick up on.

If something was bothering Buck, it wasn’t like him to internalize it and hope that Eddie was picking up on his signals. He knew better. He knew that if he wanted Eddie to know something then he had to _tell_ him. Which meant…

Whatever was going on with Buck, he didn’t want Eddie to know.

Eddie worried his lip between his teeth, glancing at his phone out of the corner of his eye. No new messages. He wasn’t really expecting any, because it wasn’t like he’d texted Buck after he left, but still. 

Before they were in a relationship, Eddie probably would’ve just let Buck be today. He’d see him at work tomorrow and if Buck was acting odd then he might try to suss out the problem. If it went on for too long he might go out of his way to barge into Buck’s apartment just because he knew that sometimes Buck needed that, needed people to push themselves into his life and prove they care. He might even deploy his secret weapon - Christopher - in the event of a truly dire situation.

But that was before. Now, Eddie didn’t think he could just leave it be. Because everything had been fine when they went to bed last night, and everything had been fine when Eddie woke him up this morning by pressing his rain-chilled body against the Buck-sized space heater in his bed, and everything had been _great_ when they were having sex, and then after sex suddenly everything wasn’t fine.

Fuck it. Eddie grabbed his phone and opened his messages app. Friend-Eddie might’ve been willing to give Buck a whole day, but it had been hours into the off-day they’d spent all week talking about spending together, and boyfriend-Eddie was concerned. 

He spent more time composing and deleting the text message than he would ever admit to another human being, before finally settling on: _hey, just wanted to make sure everything is ok._

While he was watching, the little dot dot dot of the messenger appeared for a few long moments. Then disappeared for about five minutes.

Then, when Eddie was about to give up:

_can you come over?_

Eddie was off his couch and in his car before he could even blink. Luckily it was after lunch-rush but before school-rush (and, thankfully, Christopher’s field-trip wouldn’t be getting back until later in the afternoon), so traffic wasn’t _quite_ as horrible going from North Hollywood to Buck’s apartment downtown as it could have been, but it was still… yeah, it still sucked.

He was five blocks away from Buck’s apartment when some _idiot_ in a zippy rented McLaren cut him off and it was only Eddie’s practice with restraining his road rage while his kid was in the car that stopped him from laying on the horn for at least a minute. Did the moron driving it not realize that if they got into a collision, _Eddie_ with his GMC truck would not be the one who ended up in the hospital? These were the kinds of assholes who kept Eddie in work though, and food on the table for his kid, so he guessed it was a full circle.

Because of the stupid McLaren, Eddie’s anxiety from that morning had manifested into a bad mood by the time he was digging through his center console for Buck’s spare garage controller, and pulling into Buck’s tandem guest spot, parking the Jeep in. He hoped that if they did get into a fight that Buck didn’t try to storm off and go for a drive, because that would be an awkward event of Eddie having to move his car first.

 _Stop it_ Eddie scolded himself, forcing his breath to come out more evenly. _Stop assuming the worst._

Usually Eddie just used his key to waltz into Buck’s apartment, a habit developed during their friendship that hadn’t died after they started dating. Today it felt wrong for some reason, so even though Buck had already invited him over Eddie found himself knocking lightly on the door. 

There was a faint, _“Come in!”_ through the door. Eddie braced himself, then let himself in.

Buck wasn’t in the kitchen, and a quick glance upward toward the loft let Eddie know he wasn’t in bed either. His gaze fell down to the living area, where Buck was curled with a mug of his own coffee on the armchair. 

Which was a bit weird, since Buck usually liked to sprawl out on the couch and he’d at one point confessed to Eddie that the chair wasn’t really comfortable, he just didn’t know anything about interior design and didn’t want to try to replace it and ruin the aesthetic that Ali had set up for him when he first moved in (right before Ali dumped him for being traumatically injured… and yeah, Eddie was still holding a grudge).

“You knocked.” Buck peered at him over the cup of coffee as Eddie came over and sat down on the couch. Eddie was alarmed to see that his eyes were red. “You never knock.”

Eddie shrugged, his self-control working on overdrive trying to quell the rising irrational panic that kept saying _he’s going to leave_ over and over again. “Seemed like you wanted your space, so I didn’t want to just barge in.”

“Yeah, I - sorry.” Buck rubbed a hand over his face. “Sorry for basically running off this morning. I didn’t mean to freak you out.”

“You didn’t,” lied Eddie, then when Buck shot him an unimpressed look, he amended: “Maybe a little. I guess I just don’t really know what I did to -”

Buck cut him off with an emphatic, “Oh god, nothing.” He set his coffee on the table, looking guilty. “You didn’t do anything. This is one hundred percent a me thing, I promise you.”

That made Eddie feel marginally better, except the little voice in his head that sounded uncannily like Shannon told him that he should prepare himself for a _it’s not you, it’s me_ speech. “Okay… is it a you-thing you wanna talk about or…?”

“No. But yes.” Even though he’d literally just set the coffee down, Buck picked it back up again and drummed his fingers against it. He must be nervous, Eddie realized. Whenever Buck was nervous he always needed to do something with his hands.

“Did I tell you it was raining?” Buck asked him quietly, thumb now rubbing circles against the coffee cup.

Eddie looked out the window where, uh yeah, it was raining, then back at Buck. Raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t mean _now_.” Buck rolled his eyes, before continuing: “It was - it was supposed to be a sunny weekend, but then this storm front moved in out of nowhere. Completely missed Philly, so my parents didn’t get rained out.”

It took Eddie a bit longer than he cared to admit to switch his brain to a place where he was no longer thinking this was about _him_ and realized what Buck was referring to. 

Sunny weekend. Parents in Philly. 

_Oh_.

“It was raining.” Eddie repeated with fresh understanding.

Buck shrugged, hunching his shoulders in what was likely an unconscious move to make himself smaller. “Yeah, we’d - I’d been playing outside, but then this crazy downpour came down. So I went inside to dry off and watch tv. It was a baseball game - the Phillies weren’t playing, so we watched the Red Sox - I think they were playing the Braves? But I could still hear the sound of the rain over the game.”

His voice had that thin, reedy quality that it got when he was really upset and Eddie knew he’d definitely been crying before Eddie got there. 

It had been nearly a year since Buck had told him about being sexually assaulted when he was thirteen, and Eddie still felt as much at a loss as he had the first time Buck had brought it up. Friend-Eddie and boyfriend-Eddie were equally out of their depth. 

The first time he had been so fucking angry it had really eclipsed any of the other emotions that he’d been feeling in the moment. He just couldn’t - as a father Eddie couldn’t imagine how anyone would ever purposefully hurt a child, particularly like _that_. And as Buck’s best friend and his partner he’d been so furious on his behalf, that he’d been carrying this since childhood and would continue to have to carry it for the rest of his life - meanwhile the asshole who did it got the easy way out, in Eddie’s opinion.

Since then, those feelings of anger had lingered but they’d mostly been replaced by sadness. It was devastating to think about Buck having to go through that, how alone and scared he must have been. He’d stayed up for hours that first night, scrolling through article after article full of advice on how to support sexual abuse survivors, and his heart had just sunk into his stomach. 

He thought about this morning, the sound the rain had made against his window, how Eddie had been too lost in his own world about what the day could bring, and felt that rush of sadness all over again. “So this morning… the rain. It reminded you of it?”

Buck dropped his eyes from Eddie’s, clearing his throat. “Yeah. I guess.”

There was more. Something Buck clearly didn’t want to tell Eddie. 

_Offer to listen_.

That had been in almost every article. Listening hadn’t been Eddie’s strong-suite with Shannon, but only now sitting feet away from him did Eddie realize that wasn’t true for Buck. Maybe it was because Buck was so much easier for him to read. Maybe it was because they’d gotten so good at picking up on each other’s signals working side by side. 

Maybe Eddie had grown after all.

“Hey.” Eddie bridged the gap between them, grabbing Buck’s hand that wasn’t holding the coffee, bringing it down to rest on the arm rest and squeezing it. “Whatever it is, you can tell me. You don’t _have_ to, but I’m here to listen if you want to talk about it.”

Buck stared at him for a long moment, those beautiful eyes seemingly soaking in all of Eddie’s essence, his very being. “It’s kind of fucked up,” he warned.

“I don’t know if I’ve told you this yet, but I’m a firefighter.” Eddie said lightly. Buck snorted, caught off-guard by the joke. “I deal with fucked up things every day.”

“Yeah…” Buck dropped his eyes again and Eddie thought that meant he wasn’t going to talk, until Buck spoke again without looking up. “After - after it was over. He didn’t leave. He wouldn’t - it felt like _forever_ . And I was just trapped there. And I felt like - like I just wanted to scream and cry and push him away but I couldn’t move. I was scared just breathing. And he just - he was holding me and wouldn’t let go. And -” His eyes flicked up to Eddie’s, wide and distraught and wet under their lower lids. “Eddie, I swear, I don’t normally think about it when we’re together. When I’m with you I’m with _you_ and I feel happy and safe and I don’t think about it, but this morning I just - with the rain and - ”

And Eddie had been holding him. Not paying attention, lazily thinking about the day ahead of them, mindlessly hugging Buck to him and meanwhile Buck… “And you went there.” Eddie realized, feeling that familiar swooping feeling of _sadness_.

“I’m sorry, Eddie.” Buck was saying for some reason that Eddie couldn’t quite comprehend, because what the hell did Buck think he needed to apologize for? “I swear, it’s not anything you did, it’s just that I was half-asleep after and my brain muddied things up and for a while there I couldn’t - and I’m sorry I left, I just, I kinda panicked because I don’t want to associate you with that. So I bolted. But I promise I know you’re not him and I’m not afraid of you or anything, and I’m sorry for even telling you because I know that it sucks and -”

“Buck.” Eddie hadn’t wanted to interrupt him, but now that he knew what direction this was going in he felt like throwing up the brakes was important at this point. “ _Woah,_ hang on. You don’t need to apologize to me. I know how trauma works. I’m glad you told me.”

“You _are_?” Buck skeptically, sniffing a little.

“I know how easy it is to disappear inside your own head, especially if you’re half-asleep or feeling comfortable. And,” Eddie hesitated, not knowing if this was the right time to reveal this, but not knowing what else to say, “I never told you this, but after the ladder truck explosion, I had nightmares for like a month. Of the helicopter crash, getting Riggs out. Only sometimes, it would be someone on the team. One time it was even Christopher.”

_“Jesus.”_

“It was you a lot of the time.” Eddie admitted. “You’d be pinned under the helicopter and I couldn’t get you out from under it. Or you’d be dead, and I had to go get your body so that I could get you home to Maddie. One time I actually did bring you to her - y’know dream logic, and she yelled at me that it should’ve been me.”

Buck set his coffee down once again, this time getting up and sitting on the couch next to Eddie. “Eddie, _no_.” His face was white and clenched, and he brought a hand up to squeeze Eddie’s shoulder in a death-grip. “It shouldn’t have been you. It shouldn’t have been Riggs either, but it definitely shouldn’t have been you instead.”

“I know.” Eddie agreed automatically, because he _did_ know on a surface level. Even if he didn’t always believe it. “That’s not the point. The point is, I get it Buck. I know it’s different, but -”

“Comparing trauma isn’t constructive.” Buck said, and when Eddie gave him a funny look, he admitted, “Alright, _yes_ , I got that from my therapist. But she’s a smart lady Eddie! My shit’s my shit, and your shit’s your shit and it doesn’t do either of us any good to try and figure out which is worse.”

“And together it’s _our_ shit," added Eddie, which made Buck laugh, the watery chuckle filling Eddie with a huge surge of relief. “Okay - that sounds like a bad greeting card, but you get what I’m saying. I _am_ glad you told me, because now I know and next time I’ll maybe give you some space and -”

“No!” Buck insisted quickly, bringing his other hand to Eddie’s face. “No, I like being close to you after we have sex. It was just a weird morning - y’know, a perfect storm. I don’t think it’ll happen like that again.” He paused, considering. “But, maybe next time, just check in with me? Every couple minutes just to make sure I’m still...”

“There?”

“Yeah.” 

“I can do that.” Eddie promised.

They sat there for a few moments of silence, listening to the rain hit the large windows. Eddie watched as Buck's breathing slowed, and he didn't know if that meant that he was relaxed or if he was thinking about that place again but -

He nudged Buck gently. “So I was thinking…that if you wanted to come back to my place for dinner, we could get some grocery shopping done before we pick up Chris.”

“Mmm. I saved this really good-looking butternut squash chili on my phone. You have a slow-cooker, right?”

“I have an instapot my parents got me for Christmas sitting unopened in the back of my coat closet. You can use it if you promise not to explode my kitchen.”

“I… promise to _try_.” 

Eddie turned his head so that he could kiss Buck's fingers affectionately.

"I guess that's all I can ever really ask for. If you do start a fire... I know some guys who can put it out."

"Oh right! I forgot, you're a _firefighter._ You know, you should put that on your Hinge profile, you'll get way more likes that way."

"What the hell is a Hinge?"

* * *

The sounds of barks and yowling filled the halls of the animal shelter, intermixing with the distinctive smell of urine and cleaning products.

To Rachel’s credit, she didn’t balk as the wall of smell and sound hit her, instead pushing through and peering into the first cage.

“What a cutie,” She gushed, scrunching her nose at the little terrier who danced around neurotically. Buck tried to quash the uncharitable thought that it was basically the dog version of his mother.

After a couple of minor hiccups they’d more or less settled into a routine that worked for them, with Rachel usually coming down to visit him at the diner in Eagle Rock and Buck very rarely going up to the house in Santa Barbara. Which was why when Rachel brought up getting a dog again, Buck had felt much less irritated by it than when she’d mentioned it in the fall. He knew how stir-crazy she could get when she was bored and figured it would be something to occupy her time in her retirement.

His intention had been to stay completely out of it, but then she mentioned something about finding a dog online, and Buck couldn’t _not_ intervene. Somehow him sending her a bunch of links about puppy mills and shelter kill-rates had evolved into him going with her to pick out a dog.

“You are aware that this is a trap, right?” Maddie had asked him when he told her how he was planning on spending his Saturday. “They’re going to get a dog, and before you know it you’ll be spending every weekend in Santa Barbara…”

“I won’t, I do have some self control. _And_ a life.” Buck had insisted, as much for himself as for her. “This will be good for them, and it will give Mom something else to focus on.”

“And Dad?”

“Mom says he’s okay with it - and she predicts he’ll turn into one of those _dad and the dog meme posts_ in about six months, so-”

So now they were here, at an east LA shelter. Buck had done a bit of research and figured out which shelters were the most overcrowded and in need of adopters. He was pleasantly surprised that Rachel had gone along with it, although he conceded that Maddie probably wasn’t far off in her suspicions over it being a trap.

But, he knew that his mother was in desperate need of a new project, so if he could help direct that energy toward creating some good in the world then he was happy.

Buck walked along the cages, trying not to let himself get too attached to the forlorn-looking doggy faces behind the wire bars. He wondered if Eddie would be open to getting a dog - there was certainly space for it in his condo. Even if the landlord had a no-pet policy it would probably need to be trained to at least be an emotional support dog for Christopher anyway so they would be able to bypass the landlord. He didn’t know what the requirements for a fully trained medical support dog were but was sure they were extensive - plus he’d watched a documentary about how those dogs were working dogs and not really pets so-

He came to a halt in front of one of the cages, not able to believe his eyes.

There, in the middle of the shelter, was a bright, happy golden retriever.

She barked at him as he approached the cage, wagging her tail excitedly. 

“Oh!” Rachel exclaimed, coming up next to him. “Oh, she’s beautiful!”

“Yeah,” Buck agreed, coming up to the cage. The dog pressed her nose against the bars, then licked them.

“That’s Margie.” A weary-looking volunteer told them. “She just got cleared for adoption today. I doubt she’ll be here for very long.”

Buck doubted it too. Unlike most of the dogs, she looked perfectly content in her little prison, not shying away from touch or behaving neurotically at all. She seemed totally unaware of the anxieties around her, letting it wash off her like water off a duck’s back.

“You want to go in and pet her?” Rachel asked him, pulling Buck’s focus. 

He really did, but -

“It’s not my dog.” 

“Right, but you wanted a golden retriever, remember?”

“When I was a kid.” Buck reminded her, firm. He waited for the volunteer to walk away before adding. “If you want a dog mom, you should get the dog you want. You shouldn’t do it to make up for not getting me a dog as a kid.”

Because it couldn’t make up for it. There was no fixing the past. He was an adult now and his mom couldn’t just get a redo on all the things she’d wished she’d done when he was a child. He didn’t want her to get a dog as a misguided attempt to make him happy or even entice him into visiting.

Rachel’s face fell a bit as she processed what he said. She bit her lip, glancing at Margie, before saying quietly. “That’s a lot of hair.”

“Yeah, probably.”

“And… the volunteer did say she’ll probably be adopted soon.” She added. “I was reading up on all those links you sent me, and I think I’d rather adopt a dog who might have a harder time finding a home.”

“Alright.” A pleased smile slipped onto Buck’s face. He waved goodbye to Margie, only feeling marginally guilty and reminded himself that someone would probably scoop her up later that day. 

To his surprise, his mom ended up finding a quiet, sad-looking pitbull at the end of the row. She shivered when they peered in her, although she did eventually approach Rachel as she sat down in the cage with her. 

“Her name’s Lulu, it says she’s been here for six months.” Buck read off the card next to her page, as Rachel scritched the grey and white fur under Lulu’s chin.

“Hi baby.” Rachel said softly, as Lulu relaxed enough to close her eyes. “You’re a sweetie, aren’t you?”

“She is cute.” Buck agreed, continuing to read the card. “It says she’s really patient and gentle with kids, so that’ll be good. For when Gwen gets older and comes to visit you.”

“Oh, that’s perfect.”

“And if Christopher ever comes to visit,” he added.

“Eddie and Christopher are always welcome.”

“And maybe…” Buck ventured slowly, not wanting to cause her to have a heart attack in the middle of the animal shelter or give a reaction that would startle poor Lulu. “Maybe after I move in with them, you could come visit us there and bring Lulu.” 

Rachel’s hand paused and rested against Lulu’s chest.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I mean we’d have to see how she does around other kids first but if she really is good with them…”

To her credit, Rachel remained calm as she replied, “When are you planning on moving in?”

“August. My lease runs out then, so…”

“Because you’re dating,” She clarified, her voice just a bit tight. “You’re moving in because you’re dating Eddie.”

“Yeah…”

Buck was fully prepared to defend his choice not to tell her up until this point. It wasn’t her business, she’d agreed that they would start making amends on _his_ terms, he needed space to establish his relationship with Eddie without her butting in… the list went on and on.

But to his relief, Rachel just went back to petting Lulu. “Good.”

_“Good?”_

“Well, you’ve been over at his house a lot when I’ve called you, so I thought that might be the case.”

“How’d you figure that out?”

“I recognized the wallpaper in the background.”

God. Women really did have incredible sleuthing abilities - and it wasn’t just sisters. Still, Buck was shocked at the level of _calm_ in his mother’s voice. 

“So you - you don’t care?” 

“Of course I care.” Rachel rubbed Lulu behind her shoulder-blades, and the dog leaned against her leg adoringly. “But you asked me to respect your business so I _am_ trying. I wish you’d told me sooner… but I’m glad you told me. And I’m happy for you.”

A weight he hadn’t realized he’d been carrying fell off Buck’s shoulders. He’d told himself it didn’t matter what his parents thought, but there was still some stupid part of him that still cared about their opinion - especially his mom’s. 

“I said it last year and I’ll say it again - Eddie’s good for you. I’d be blind not to see that.”

Buck couldn’t help it - he smiled fully at her and stepped inside the cage with his mom and her soon-to-be dog.

“Miss Lulu, do you know how to shake?” He asked her, impressed when she instantly extended her paw out at him. “Dang. The card didn’t say anything about _genius_ on it.”

* * *

Sometimes, it was easy to fall into bad habits. 

They’d begun the drive into work together in good spirits, continuing their dumb debate about the movie they just watched from the night before. Eddie hadn’t liked it, arguing the main character took a bunch of unnecessary risks while Buck was decidedly on the pro-side.

“You know, I just relate to the guy: live fast die young, right?”

It was a joke, and he said it with a wide grin on his face as he pulled into the station parking lot.

But Eddie didn’t reply right away, his posture suddenly rigid as he wouldn’t meet Buck’s eyes.

“Eddie?”

“How can you say that,” Eddie said tightly, grip tense on the passenger door, “when there’s a little boy expecting you to come home tonight?”

Buck’s grin slid off his face as he realized his mistake too late. “Wait - Eddie, hang on it was just a joke -”

Eddie was already up and out of the car, striding purposefully into the station without waiting for him. 

Buck nearly forgot to lock the Jeep as he scrambled after him, heart pounding in his chest and using his longer legs to his advantage. He caught up to Eddie just outside the locker-room, snagging him by the elbow and tried not to flinch when he was shrugged off.

“It was just a-”

“We agreed we weren’t going to fight at work.” Eddie hissed at him undertone.

“We’re _not,_ I just wanted to explain-”

“I don’t think I can talk about this without arguing.” 

And Eddie left him standing there, slipping past him into the locker room to join their teammates.

He proceeded to spend the entire shift ignoring Buck, going so far as to even sit at one of the side tables at lunch with Sanchez and Ramirez, which earned some raised eyebrows from the rest of their team. And when Buck had texted him a quick _you good?,_ Eddie had picked up his phone, glanced at it, and turned it off in plain sight of Buck without replying. Even Bobby started to notice, which was _very, very bad_ because one of the things they’d agreed on with their captain was that they wouldn’t let their personal lives affect their work.

So when their shift ended and Eddie made a b-line for the showers ahead of everyone else, Buck knew he had to act. Which is why he forewent his own shower and just changed straight into his street clothes without washing off the day’s grime - ignoring Chimney’s wrinkled nose as Buck charged past him and his commentary of “god, at least put some cologne on!”

This way, when Eddie rushed out of the house, checking over his shoulder to make sure he hadn’t been followed, Buck was already leaning against the driver’s door of the truck that Eddie had left there on their last shift. 

“Jesus christ.” The look on Eddie’s face was not amused. In fact, one might have described it as thunderous. “Get out of my way Buck.”

“Not until you talk to me.”

“I’m not in the mood for the lost puppy routine.”

Buck ignored the jibe and folded his arms. “Then maybe stop looking at me like I drank from the toilet bowl?”

Eddie barked out a laugh that was anything but sincere. “You’re unbelievable. I’m _not_ getting into this with you in the work parking lot.”

“Fine.” Buck stepped away from the driver’s door, feeling only a little relieved when Eddie didn’t immediately lunge for it and drive away. 

Instead, Eddie unlocked the door and gestured toward the passenger’s side, not saying anything as Buck clambered into the car, quickly before Eddie had a chance to change his mind. 

“Eddie it was just a joke.” Buck said after a few minutes of silent driving, making eye contact with Eddie’s right ear since his boyfriend was still refusing to so much as glance his way. “I didn’t mean it. You know that.”

“Do I?” Eddie’s mouth twisted to the side, the way it did when he was deeply upset by something. “What about the other week when you rolled your ankle on a call and didn’t tell anyone until the shift was over?”

“Oh my god, I _told_ you my adrenaline was spiked and I didn’t feel it until things calmed down-”

“And I told you, I know that’s bullshit. I saw you limping and you told me your leg was just a little stiff. You hid it.”

Fuck. He should’ve known from the way Eddie’s dark eyes followed him, and how his fingers had gripped Buck’s shoulder when Chimney had been taping his ankle at the end of the shift, that he’d been pissed about it. 

Knowing he was caught, Buck fidgeted with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. “I really didn’t think it was that bad.” He defended. “What was I supposed to do, take someone away from their job so they could tape up my minor sprain? Stay behind in the station just because my ankle felt a little funny?”

“Exactly that.” Eddie said flatly. “That’s what protocol dictates so-”

“Oh c’mon, fuck protocol! It was an insane shift, and if one of you guys had gotten hurt while I was sitting a call out-”

 _“You_ could’ve gotten hurt. That last call especially was dangerous and you could’ve died and you _knew_ going into that structure fire when your ankle was obviously hurting you was a bad move.”

“Like you wouldn’t do the same thing.”

“I’ve never hid an injury at work, yeah.”

“No, you just climb burning buildings and cut your line in forty foot holes.” Buck snipped back at him, frustrated by the hypocrisy. “You can be just as impulsive as me.”

The pattern that Eddie was drumming against the steering wheel was a familiar rhythm that Buck couldn’t quite place. “I _can_ be.” Eddie admitted. “It’s not my default setting though.”

Buck huffed and rolled his eyes “What, are you gonna lecture me now? Been getting tutorials from Bobby?”

“It’s worth a shot, you obviously don’t listen to him so excuse me for thinking that maybe my opinion on the subject might carry some weight.” 

“I _listen_ to Bobby-”

“So why haven’t you learned your lesson about pushing yourself through an injury since your pulmonary embolism?” 

Buck scowled. “Okay. So this really is about the ankle thing, and my stupid joke from this morning was just an excuse to get into it.”

Eddie shot him an exasperated look. “It’s not an excuse. It’s _all_ of it. The way you run into everything, your whole attitude.”

“Now you’re sounding like my mother. What, are you going to tell me that I just use the job as an excuse to self-destruct next?’

“No.” Eddie said calmly. “I don’t think you’re trying to self-destruct. I just think you have a shitty sense of self-worth, so you’re too reckless with yourself. Like it doesn’t matter what happens to you. Like _you_ don’t matter.”

That hit Buck harder than it should and he felt his head get light like all the air to it had been abruptly cut off.

“That’s not fair,” he finally managed to say when he could speak again.

“What’s not fair is that I’ve got a little boy who thinks the world of you.” A tremor of emotion crept through Eddie’s voice. “And I’m - when I asked you to move in with me and I said you’re my home I _meant_ it. So when you don’t take care of yourself, it - it _hurts_ , Buck.” 

Tentatively, Buck reached forward and grabbed Eddie’s hand on the gear shift, relieved when he didn’t pull away.

“I’m sorry.” He told Eddie in a quiet voice. “It’s just - some things are hard to shake. They’re just bad habits and it doesn’t mean I don’t love you, or Christopher. I love you guys more than I love anything. Even the job.”

“I want you to love _you_ more than you love the job.”

“I’m... I'm working on that.” Buck squeezed Eddie’s hand tightly. “I am. Just give me a minute, okay? I’ll get there eventually.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.” He leaned over to kiss Eddie on the cheek, feeling relief when Eddie leaned toward him in response. “And in the meantime I’ll… I’ll try to think about Christopher more when we’re at work, and try to be less reckless. For both of you.”

"You'd better." Eddie's voice had gentled a bit. "Because I meant what I said Buck. You're my person and you're not allowed to go anywhere."

"I'm not planning on it. I promise."

* * *

“Who the hell organized this last time?” Hen grumbled, pushing away the box she’d just opened in disgust. “Why would you put the normal saline bags next to the dextrose? That’s just asking for trouble… bet it was Anders…”

“Or someone on C-shift.” Replied Buck, digging out the correct box from the far corner of the storage closet. “I still remember what you told me my first week: ‘Don’t listen to anyone on C-shift-’”

“‘They don’t know their ass from their elbows,’” finished Hen, piling a few more boxes on top of Buck’s stack and leading the way toward the ambulance. “I am honestly shocked you remember that - I didn’t get the impression you were listening to anything anyone told you that first week, you just wanted to go put out fires.”

“That’s fair.” Buck set the boxes down heavily on the ambulance and they began the tedious process of restocking. “But I always listened to _you_ Henrietta -”

Hen slid her finger in front of her throat threatingly. 

_“Hen,”_ corrected Buck with a cheeky grin. “Because on my first call I watched you stick your whole hand into a man’s stomach without flinching and I’ve idolized you ever since.”

She reached her hand (the fake-knife one) forward and patted Buck on the arm in a _good boy_ sort of way. “That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

They continued stocking the ambulance, passing the time with mindless chatter - swapping date ideas, their upcoming plans to take Denny and Christopher to Disneyland over the summer - then had fallen into a companionable silence when Hen cleared her throat.

“So I was wondering if I could get your advice on something.”

Buck almost turned around to make sure she wasn’t talking to someone else. It wasn’t common for his teammates to ask his advice on things, unless it was Chimney about Maddie (or it was Eddie, but that didn’t really count anymore). He knew it wasn’t personal - Buck was younger than most of his teammates by at least a decade and the only one who wasn’t technically a parent. 

“Uh, sure.”

“It’s about Avery.” She began, her voice low.

Buck was instantly worried. Hen and Karen had started fostering Avery a little over a month ago, just after Hen got into medical school but he hadn’t met her yet because she was very shy. All that he knew about her was that she was a little older than Denny and she had an older sister who was interested in adopting her once she finished her degree and was financially secure enough to take care of Avery. 

“She’s been having some… difficulties adjusting.” Hen explained, her voice low. “She’s not really coming out of her shell and she’s not doing her homework at school. Our social worker says that there were some signs that she may have been abused - more than the charges of parental neglect and endangerment that are the reasons she ended up in our care. But she hasn’t talked to her sister about it, or her social worker, and definitely not to me or Karen.”

“Oh.” Buck’s heart sank the more he heard Hen’s story. This was not the type of advice he wanted her to have to come to him for. “Is she in therapy?”

“Yes, but she’s not opening up there either. At least not about any abuse, because then it would be reported. And I’m sure that’s why she’s not saying anything.”

“You think it was her parents?”

“Maybe. Or possibly a previous foster parent - she has a hard time around men, which is part of the reason they picked me and Karen. And why we haven’t had game night in a while.” Hen admitted, putting away the last of the IV bags with a sigh. “I just - I’m trying to figure out how to balance respecting her boundaries and not being too overbearing and… making sure she knows that she can trust us.” 

He knew it probably wasn’t what Hen wanted to hear but… “I mean, obviously I don’t know the full situation, but she probably needs some time.” Buck told her. “Are _you_ talking to anyone?”

“You mean professionally? We have meetings with the social worker, and case plan meetings, but… no, I’m not talking to a therapist right now.” She cocked her head in consideration. “You think I should?” 

Buck shrugged. “I don’t think it would hurt. That way you could get an outside, professional’s opinion without feeling like you’re violating Avery’s privacy. And honestly I really wish my parents had done that. I don’t think it would’ve fixed everything… but it probably would’ve helped a lot.”

Hen nodded, visibly soaking in what he was saying. “Okay… I’ll talk to Karen about it, but you’ve convinced me. Thank you.”

It didn’t really feel like he’d done much of anything, so Buck felt compelled to add, “Let me know if you need any help or anything. I know you said that she doesn’t really want to be around men right now but…”

“When we get there I’ll reach out,” Hen assured him. “Karen and I already talked about it and when she’s ready I’d like to bring her around the station because I think it could be fun for her, but right now I think it would be overwhelming for her to be around so many huge guys. We’ll probably try getting her used to Chim being around first, since he’s not as tall and he’s got Gwen working for him. Once we get there I think some hangouts with you, Eddie, and Christopher would be great.”

“I’d be totally down for that,” Buck agreed. “And I’m sure Eddie would be too. And you know Christopher - Mr. Social Butterfly.” He leaned back and observed Hen for a second. In spite of her excitement over getting into medical school, Buck had noticed she’d been carrying herself with tight shoulders for the past month or so, and now he had a feeling that he knew why. “You know, Avery is really lucky to have you and Karen.”

Hen slumped and rubbed her head. “That’s… nice of you to say, but I don’t feel that way most of the time,” she admitted in a small voice. “Most of the time I feel selfish. Because my job already takes up so much of my time, and next year I’ll be going to medical school and sure it’ll only be part time but… I’m just worried that I won’t be giving Denny and Avery everything they deserve.”

It was always so odd for Buck when he heard people like Eddie or Hen talk about their doubts and fears as parents. To him it was just obvious how great they were. “I feel like… the fact that you’re worried about that is a good sign.” He ventured. “It means you’re going to do everything you can to make sure that you _do._ And for Avery, having someone like you taking care of her, who goes above and beyond to help people… I think it’ll be good for her. To have someone like you looking out for her.”

_I wish I’d had that._

It was something he’d been slowly realizing - spending more time with Christopher, talking to Maddie and Chimney about their new parental anxieties, even listening to Eddie’s fears. That maybe it was okay if he didn’t have the best parents - it didn’t mean that he was doomed to repeat their mistakes. 

Maybe it would be enough to just try and be the person he wished he’d had.

* * *

It had been a year since Eddie had nearly died, trapped forty feet underground.

He remembered how it felt, coming up for that first gasp of air, his lunges nearly crumpling from the force of it. In the back of his delirious, hypothermic and oxygen-starved mind, there was only one thought:

_It’s like being reborn._

Except life was never that neat and scripted, and Eddie’s post-near-death-experience euphoria had lasted about a week before he found himself with his face in his hands on Frank’s couch, shaking from barely restrained emotions.

 _“I just… it’s too much,”_ he remembered saying. _“There’s too much - I feel too much all the time, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to put it all.”_

Frank had remained stoic throughout his breakdown, waiting for Eddie to calm down before starting to offer solutions. If he was frustrated when Eddie rejected every one of them he didn’t show it, to his credit. 

Music therapy was an option Frank had tossed out there, probably not expecting it to trigger anything. The word ‘no’ was on the tip of Eddie’s tongue when he heard it - the faint trickle of fingers trilling on wooden keys. 

Renting the practice room had felt entirely self-indulgent to Eddie, spending money that should have been saved for Christopher’s ever increasing number of hobbies (or the car payments for that stupid truck). He’d winced as he handed the pimply undergrad his credit card, and tried not to think about what Shannon would’ve thought about this lavish expense, her eyebrows drawn together as she told him, _“I worry, Eddie.”_

He’d slid the cover up, fingers ghosting over the keys like he was afraid of hurting them. 

Afraid to press down, to break the silence and fuck everything up.

It had been nearly a decade since he’d played - almost two since he’d done it seriously. Eddie could still remember that day, when his mother had come into his room while he was trying to concentrate on his algebra homework. How she’d explained to him softly, heartbreak in the crease between her eyes, that they couldn’t afford his lessons anymore. 

_“And… oh, I’m sorry Eddie, but we’re going to have to sell the piano.”_

It had barely even been worth it - a few thousand dollars for the antique piano that Abuela had left behind with them when she moved to Los Angeles. Sometimes, when Eddie was feeling uncharitable, he wondered if they’d really needed to give it up - or if it had been an excuse to get a reprieve from his angsty pubescent clamorings. For every time his mom would sigh wistfully and say she missed him filling the house with music, he would remember her rubbing her temples from a headache and asking him to stop 

If it was, Eddie at least knew his mom felt a little bad about it. 

His dad, and his very subtle remarks about how Eddie should fill his time with something more useful, was another story. 

He’d played for Shannon a few times, on the little keyboard that her roommate had. It was smaller than he was used to, the keys springier without any real weight to them, and in spite of his concentration he’d still tripped over the notes with his nerves. 

But Shannon had loved it anyway.

 _“We’ll have to get you a real one when we move in together,”_ she’d say, and it became part of their fantasy. A house with big windows and a small garden, a library full of books for Shannon and a piano for Eddie. And he’d fallen in love a bit more - with Shannon and with this ideal of their future together.

Eddie pressed down on the keys, the notes spilling out from the part of his brain where he stored his deepest, most unforgettable memories.

 _Fantasie-Impromptu -_ Shannon’s favorite.

It was a deceptive little piece, light and airy with a million running notes and pitfalls to stumble across. There was something almost dreamlike about it, and as Eddie played he thought about that house with the windows and the library and the garden - what was it that Shannon wanted to plant there? Marigolds, white roses, and -

Eddie’s finger slipped and hit the wrong note.

The fantasy shattered.

And… nothing changed.

The world didn’t come to a screeching halt. In the distance, he could hear some student pianist struggling their way through _In The Hall of the Mountain King,_ the metronome ticking in the next room over that someone had probably forgotten to turn off.

So Eddie’s hands had settled on the keys, and started again from a few measures before his mistake.

  
  


“What’s got you banging on the keys lately?” Buck asked him on one of their days off when Christopher was at school. He was sprawled out on the couch, feet hanging over the edge as he scribbled something that was probably illegible in his notebook. Eddie had never asked about it, but he assumed it had something to do with Buck’s therapy.

Eddie slipped the headphones around his neck, turning around on the bench with an irritable expression. “It’s not banging.” He said shortly. “And I’ve got the headphones on so-”

“Woah, woah.” Buck held up a hand. “I didn’t say it _bothered_ me, you just seem… tense. Usually when you play it seems like it relaxes you, but recently it just seems like it’s been working you up more. That’s all.”

His face was earnest and open and Eddie felt his hackles lower with a sigh. “Sorry. That’s what my dad used to call it. Banging.”

“You could take the headphones out if you wanted.”

Eddie shook his head, blowing out a stressed breath. “No, I don’t want to bother the neighbors.”

Buck shut his journal and set it down on the coffee table, turning over on his stomach and readjusting so that he was hanging over the side of the couch to face Eddie. “You wanna talk about what’s been bothering _you?”_

No. Eddie did _not_ want to talk about it, which was the whole reason why he’d been playing every _Fortissimo_ piece in his repertoire incessantly, hoping to bring his boiling feelings down to a simmer as he worked through them. 

But instead, the more he thought about it the more angry and frustrated he became and sooner or later it was all just going to burst out of him and -

“I told my parents about us.”

Buck’s head slipped from where he was resting it on his forearms and hit the edge of the couch with a painful sounding _clunk._

“You okay?”

“Yeah - fine.” Buck rubbed at his jaw, looking up at Eddie with trepidation. “How did it go?”

Eddie exhaled through his nose and forced himself to acknowledge. “It could have been worse.”

But it also could have been better. 

They had been bewildered at first, clearly caught off guard, yet with a polite civility that gave him more hope than it should’ve. 

At least until Eddie mentioned that he was planning on bringing Buck with him to Adrianna’s wedding, and suddenly they were full of concern.

 _“I just think it seems too_ soon.” Helena stressed and Eddie had to focus on keeping his fingernails from digging into the rubber case of his phone. _“They say you’re supposed to date someone for a year before you start bringing them to family events - this shouldn’t even be a plus-one wedding, but Adrianna was insistent.”_

“It’s not too soon.” Eddie had said steadily, unclenching his jaw and reminding himself that his parents lived in Texas and had no say over or Christopher’s life. “We’ve been dating since January and-”

 _“January?”_ His father’s voice cut in, surprised. _“You’ve been keeping this from us since January?”_

“I haven’t been _keeping_ anything from you, I was just waiting for the right time to tell you.”

 _“But what about Christopher?”_ His mother asked. Predictably. _“Won’t it confuse him to have some strange man come with you to the wedding?”_

Eddie closed his eyes. She was fishing, he knew it. “It won’t confuse him because he knows we’re together.”

_“Eddie!”_

“I don’t need to justify my decisions to you.” He told them firmly. “And frankly, I don’t think there’d be these twenty questions if I were dating a woman.”

 _“That’s not fair, Eddie, we’re just confused.”_ Helena’s voice wavered over the line. _“Have you - is this why things didn’t work out with Shannon?”_

 _“Are you gay?”_ Ramon asked bluntly.

“I’m bisexual - I’ve _told_ you this. In high school. You just didn’t listen to me.” 

_“Eddie that’s not fair, we…”_

And they had gone back and forth until Eddie, starting to develop a killer headache, had lied about needing to go pick up Christopher from Abuela’s (even though Christopher was dutifully doing his homework in his room). 

“Adrianna and Sophia said that they would work on them.” Eddie told Buck now, hating the feeling of _shame_ that was curdling in his gut. “So hopefully they won’t be awful at the wedding. Not that I think they would be - they were always nice to Shannon’s face, even if they didn’t like her. Sorry.”

“What do you have to be sorry for?” Buck asked, his eyes wide and searching.

Eddie gave a bitter smile and shook his head. “Just that - you have to deal with it. My parents and their shit. I’m sorry, I know it’s a lot.”

To his aggravation, Buck actually snorted. 

“Okay, sorry, that’s the wrong reaction.” He apologized when Eddie frowned at him. “But Eddie, I mean… you’ve been dealing with my family drama for the past year.”

“I really haven’t had to _deal_ with anything - your mom is ridiculously nice to me.”

“Don’t act like that isn’t earned, you’ve been working her over since before we got together.” 

“My point is, it’s different.” Eddie hesitated, not wanting to compare anything because objectively he probably had a happier childhood than Buck but - “Your mom, she just accepted us being together right away. And yeah, it went better this time than when I tried talking to them about my sexuality in high school… but I could tell they’re struggling with it.” 

Buck’s expression twisted and he reached out toward Eddie. 

“C’mere.” 

Eddie took his hand and let himself be pulled onto the couch, their legs tangling together. He leaned his head back and felt Buck tuck his chin onto Eddie’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Buck said softly, his breath tickling against Eddie’s ear with each word. “I’m sorry that they weren’t as supportive as you hoped they would be. You deserve better than that.”

The guilt overwhelmed him even as Buck spoke, this nagging feeling that _no, I don’t deserve better, I don’t deserve anything._

“And not to - I don’t know if this will make you feel better, but I don’t think my mom being cool with us is some ultimate show of unconditional love.” Warm hands rubbed at Eddie’s arms and he felt himself relaxing, releasing some of the tension. “She knows she doesn’t have the right to judge, y’know? Not saying that your parents have the right either it’s just… she feels guilty. It doesn’t mean your parents love you less or that they won’t come around.”

Eddie released a long breath. “I know. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me.”

The hands stilled. “I don’t think that’s what I said.” Buck’s voice was almost _scolding_ as his koala grip around Eddie tightened. “You feel how you feel about it, there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re allowed to feel however the hell you want. It’s not gonna scare me off.”

There was a specific intimacy to feeling Buck’s arms around him yet not seeing him that allowed Eddie to admit it.

“I feel like I’m always failing.”

“At what?”

“Everything.” He said, feeling small and vulnerable. “I was - I was supposed to go to college, and I didn’t. I was supposed to build this life with Shannon, this house with big windows, and instead I got her pregnant. I was supposed to be there for her and for Chris, but I ran off to war instead. I was supposed to protect my team, but I let Riggs die. I was supposed to fix my marriage, but I couldn’t do that. I wasn’t - I shouldn’t have -”

_I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you, but I did._

Eddie couldn’t say that though. He knew better than to put that in Buck’s head. So instead he just let it linger in the air between them, unspoken. 

After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, Buck spoke.

“Eddie, what do you see around you?”

He scrunched his face up in consternation, not understanding the question. “Um, the living room?”

“No, but what do you _see?”_

Eddie resisted the urge to sigh and instead gave into the stronger instinct he’d been listening to for years - to trust Buck. He glanced over in the corner, at the piano. “The piano… and the tv…” He listed off.

“Right, where we watched Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy with Christopher last week, remember?”

“How could I forget?” Christopher had been wishing him goodbye with a cheerful _So long and thanks for all the fish!_ verse since then. 

“What else do you see?”

“The half-built lego set in the corner that we’ve been working on with Christopher… his coloring books… the puzzle he put together all by himself the other weekend…”

As Eddie listed items around the room, his chest loosened with every piece of evidence of his life that he’d built together with his son. Every sign of his little boy growing up, learning to take on the world.

“How could you be a failure when you’ve got a kid who looks at you like you’re the sun?” Buck asked him, dropping a kiss onto his shoulder and murmuring, “Christopher adores you, because you’re an incredible father. I’ve known it since the moment I met him. It’s the reason that I liked you so much, even early on.”

“Really? It wasn’t just my dashing good looks?”

Buck scoffed against the exposed skin of Eddie’s shoulder. But his voice was clear and genuine when he replied, “Seeing you with Christopher… I had no idea what fucking hit me Eddie. It took me years to understand it. And I still get that same feeling, every time I see you two together.”

Eddie let his eyes fall shut, allowing himself to let go and feel the warmth of Buck’s assurance enveloping him like a cozy blanket.

“You’re not a failure. You’re _amazing_ , Eddie. And I’ll keep telling you that every day, for the rest of my life if you’ll let me.”

“Is that a proposal?” Eddie asked, not opening his eyes.

He felt Buck freeze behind him, and wondered if he’d pushed too far.

“Not yet.” Buck’s voice was careful, almost tentative. “But… that’s not off the table down the line. If that’s what you want.”

“Of course it is. You already know what I want.”

Now he could hear the smile in Buck’s voice as he answered, “Me.”

“For the rest of our lives.” 

“I’m good with that.”

It might not have been an official proposal, but as far as Eddie was concerned, it was as good as one. He sure as hell wasn’t going anywhere. 

And he was starting to actually believe that neither was Buck.

The next time Eddie sat down at the piano, he took the headphones out and let his hands dance across the keys in the now familiar tune of _Un Sospiro,_ feeling the warmth of Buck's solid presence from where he was journaling behind Eddie on the couch. 

"You're really getting the hang of that one." Buck commented when Eddie was done.

Yeah. He really was.

* * *

Buck pulled into the handicap spot at the school, flashing the lady with the clipboard - Angela, he knew now - a thumbs up as he fished his permit out of his center console. 

“Good afternoon Angela! How’s traffic control?”

“Oh you know… trafficky.” She said dryly, before turning her attention to the little hellions who were clambering over the big rock in the waiting area. “Bernard! Do _not_ push other children off the rock - you’re still on school property and I can still give you a pink slip.”

Buck bounded into the school, familiarity filling his steps with confidence as he navigated his way to the classroom where Christopher would be waiting. He knocked on the door, smile widening a little when Ana was the one to answer it, her returning smile sweet and genuine.

“Hey Mr. Buckley, good to see you again.”

“Good to see you too, Ms. Flores.”

The first time Buck had picked Christopher up after he and Eddie had started dating, seeing Ana again should have been awkward. 

And it was, for a few seconds as Ana’s face had scrunched up in deep concentration, before slackening in sudden comprehension. Eddie hadn’t told her _who_ he had feelings for when he’d ended things, but he’d avoided playing the pronoun game pretty hard and apparently that plus Christopher’s look of utter adoration when he spotted Buck was enough for Ana to figure things out.

She’d luckily been very cool about it, and Buck had taken the opportunity to strike up a burgeoning friendship. 

“Here, chai latte for you.” Buck handed her the warm tea from the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf around the corner, which he’d taken to picking up on days he thought she might have indoor pickup duty (which Eddie would call “sucking up” _,_ but Buck preferred to think of as building bridges.)

“You’re too kind.” Ana took the cup from him, and inhaled the fragrant scent. “Mmm. I should tell you, Christopher has been a little off this afternoon.’

Buck followed her nod to the corner of the room, where Christopher was sitting in the corner instead of at one of the tables playing games with the other kids like usual. 

“Any idea why?”

Ana shook her head. “No, I tried talking to him earlier but he wasn’t having it. The last time I saw him like this was after he fell off a skateboard last year.”

Alarm bells went off in Buck’s head. The last time Christopher had acted this way in school was when he had been _hurt._ It took a few seconds for him to push down the instinct that wanted to rush across the room and immediately conduct a thorough checkup for any cuts or bruises. But he quelled it, because doing that in front of his classmates would probably embarrass the kid and in spite of Buck’s teasing words to Eddie, he wasn’t actually eager for the day to come where Christopher didn’t want to be seen with him anymore.

So Buck held off until they were in the car, with Christopher not looking at him and resting his chin against the window edge - his face squashed against the window in a way that was definitely going to leave smudges. 

“Hey buddy, anything interesting happen in school today?” Buck tried, not entirely sure how to broach the subject of Christopher’s odd behavior. He’d never seen him like this before.

“No.” Christopher muttered, still not looking at him.

Buck tried again. “On a scale from one to ten, how was your day?”

“Four.” 

“Well… that’s kinda low. Is there a reason for that?”

Christopher shook his head, and didn’t answer.

After a few more equally unsuccessful attempts, Buck decided to wait him out. Christopher _was_ Eddie’s son after all, maybe he needed a little bit of time to process whatever was bothering.

_Or maybe he doesn’t want to talk to you about it because you’re not his dad._

Which was fair, Buck reminded himself, shutting out the negative thoughts before they could spiral out of control. His relationship with Christopher’s was different than Eddie’s and that made perfect sense. Even though Buck was getting better at saying ‘no’ to Chris’s adorable grinning face, he was still more of his friend than his father. 

And that was fine at this stage. They were still building something and even though Buck was allowing himself to get a clearer picture of what that future might look like (marriage, legal adoption, crying an embarrassing amount in Christopher’s graduation photos), he would never ask for anything that Christopher wasn’t ready for. 

Christopher still wasn’t talking once they got home, so Buck let him settle in at the table in the living room to do his homework while Buck prepared some healthy after school snacks - maybe Christopher was just hangry? 

“Okay Chris, I have veggie slices and my world famous dip -” which was just Greek yogurt and some spices but nobody needed to know that “-so I hope you’re hungry.”

Buck nearly dropped the plate when he exited the kitchen and heard Christopher _sniffling._

“Oh, buddy.” He hurriedly set the snack plate on the table, crouching next to Christopher and wrapping his arms around him. Every protective instinct in him was firing on all cylinders and he needed the little boy to know that he was _safe._ Christopher’s hands scrunched up in his shirt as he buried his face in Buck’s chest. “Chris, are you okay?”

He felt Christopher shaking his head and his heart seized in his chest. 

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

“I messed up.” Christopher sobbed. “Dad’s gonna be so mad at me.”

“Why do you think your dad is going to be mad?” Buck tried to coax, as gently as he could. He was pretty sure he’d _never_ seen Eddie mad at Christopher. Stern, yes, but never mad. 

Rather than answering, Christopher just moved out of Buck’s arms and reached into his still unopened backpack. After a few moments of searching around, he pulled up a small pink slip of paper and handed it reluctantly to Buck.

A flood of adolescent memories rushed over Buck as his eyes examined the paper - it was an official note home to the parents for missing homework. 

“I’m supposed to get dad to sign it.” Christopher hiccuped, beyond devastated.

Buck resisted the urge to laugh in sheer relief. It was awful, beyond awful, but he’d been about seconds away from asking Christopher if someone had hurt him. 

_Might want to work on your jumping to conclusions there Buckley,_ he told himself as Christopher ducked away enough to wipe at his snotty face. Buck didn’t need to glance down at his shirt to know there was probably a snot-stain, but he didn’t care. 

Christopher really was such a good kid - by the time Buck was his age, he had enough slips like this to wallpaper his room. He might have cried the first time, when he was seven, and he did remember always having a knot of dread in his stomach about the tired look of disappointment that would cross his mom’s face every time she had to sign one of these things. The worst was when, after one bad month in eighth grade where he got maybe ten missing homework slips, his mom had told him if he brought another one of them home she was going to ground him for a month... so he just hadn’t brought the next one home. Instead, he’d tried to forge her signature - in retrospect, a truly awful idea since it didn’t matter how long he agonized over it, his chicken scratch was never going to resemble her loopy elegant scrawl.

And he’d been grounded for three months when he inevitably got caught.

Still, he didn’t want to tell Christopher it wasn’t a big deal. Because unlike Buck Christopher _loved_ school and it was important to him. And being irresponsible with his homework was extremely out of character for him - and Buck knew what a slippery slope that could become.

“Well… I’m not mad.” Buck offered Christopher, realizing this could be a situation where he might be uniquely positioned to offer some guidance. “Just a little confused. Why didn’t you do your homework? You know you can always ask for help if you don’t understand something.”

Christopher shook his head. “No, I _did_ do it.” He protested. “But I lost it.”

“You lost it.” Buck repeated, forcing his voice to remain unskeptical. “How’d you lose it?”

“I don’t _know,”_ whined Christopher. “I put it in my backpack before I went to school, but when I got to my locker my backpack somehow got unzipped and it was _gone.”_

“Did you tell your teacher that?”

“Yes, but Mr. Sullivan didn’t care. He said it sounded like a story and gave me a zero, even though I always turn in my homework!”

What an _asshole._ This was Christopher they were talking about, and if he didn’t have a history of not turning in his homework, surely he deserved the benefit of the doubt.

When he was in school, Buck used to lie about losing his homework all the time. It was easier to do that than to explain that he just _couldn’t_ make himself do the work - that reading made his head feel fuzzy and his math worksheets swam in front of his eyes and sometimes just the thought of sitting down to even look at his homework was too overwhelming.

But it had taken his teachers only a few times (he used to come up with some truly inventive excuses) of him losing or not being able to do his homework for them to start to recognize a pattern and stop believing him. 

Then one time he got to experience a “boy who cried wolf” experience when he was in seventh grade and working on a paper. It was - ironically enough - a paper about _wolves_ and Buck had still been fixated on the idea of getting a dog so it was easy to translate that interest into research. He was almost done and legitimately _excited_ about turning it in when there was a power surge and his laptop died. Both of his parents were at work of course so he was home alone frantically trying to revive his computer. 

But when it booted up and opened the word document, it was the version that he’d saved two weeks prior with only a title - this was in the days before auto-save.

By the time his parents had gotten home Buck was in an absolute panic over it, because this was a quarter of his grade for the class and he needed their help to figure out how he was going to explain this to his teacher.

And they yelled at him.

They refused to believe him or vouch for him to his teacher even when he was reduced to tears. And he had to stay up until five o’clock in the morning feverishly rewriting the paper to the best of his memory (all his notes and sources had been lost too) and turned in a nonsensical, garbled mess that he barely got a D on.

“Chris, it’s okay.” Buck said, grabbing the box of tissues from the side-table next to the couch and presenting him with one. “Here, blow your nose buddy. It’s gonna be okay.”

Once Christopher finished blowing a huge snot bubble into the tissue and calmed down enough so that he wasn’t actively sobbing, Buck pulled him into another hug. He tried to focus on being a calming presence so that Christopher could be comforted by how not upset he was.

“I promise, your dad is not going to be that mad at you.” Buck rubbed a soothing over Christopher’s back. “He _might_ have a couple questions, but he’s not going to yell. It sounds like this was all just a misunderstanding, right?”

Christopher didn’t respond, he just buried his face into Buck’s shoulder, hiccuping a bit.

The thought occurred to him. “You know… even if it’s not, if you did make a mistake, that’s okay too. All that you ever have to do is be honest.”

Watery blue eyes peered up at him.

Then, Christopher’s face turned red.

“I really did lose it.” He muttered. “But… we were playing on the rock out front before school and I think someone grabbed onto my backpack and that’s why it was open. It must’ve fallen out then.”

_Ah._

Now it all made a bit more sense. Buck felt bad for calling Mr. Sullivan an asshole, even in his head. Teaches probably got the _“it fell out of my backpack”_ excuse all the time. “And why didn’t you tell Mr. Sullivan that?”

“Because we’re not supposed to play on the rock.”

“Yeah, that thing does look dangerous.” Buck agreed, and he was sure Eddie would have a few words about that - which Christopher probably knew. “Not the smartest move - you could get hurt pretty badly.”

“I didn’t want to get in trouble.”

“Right… but by not telling the whole truth you ended up getting in trouble anyway, right?”

Christopher’s lip wobbled and he ducked his head. “Dad always says I’m so good.” He said quietly. “I just - I didn’t wanna disappoint him.”

In spite of Buck not being able to personally relate to that sentiment _at all,_ he could understand where Christopher was coming from. He really was his father’s son. “I know Chris but… sometimes you’re going to make bad decisions. And your dad’s going to be disappointed with you. But I want you to know it isn’t the end of the world. Your dad loves you _so, so, so_ much. More than anything. Nothing will ever change that. Okay?”

This time, Christopher was the one to reach for a hug and Buck let himself fall into it easily, resting his head on top of Christopher’s. “Thank you Buck.”

“Thank you for being honest with me.” Buck made himself add, “but next time, please just tell the truth from the beginning. I promise it will always be better to tell the truth. You’re going to make mistakes but as long as you’re honest things will turn out okay. Trust is the most important thing that you have. You don’t want to lose that.”

It was something he’d talked about a lot with Monroe. Rehashing his childhood, and all his regrets for the distrust that had built up between Buck and his parents. 

And he’d realized that while a lot of it was a result of him lying about doing his homework because of his ADHD, and his parents not knowing how to deal with that properly… Benji hadn’t helped the situation at all. 

In fact, he’d _worsen_ it a lot of the time. 

Letting Buck confide in him about his misdeeds and not passing the information along to his parents. Taking him out on outings that Buck wasn’t supposed to tell his parents about - even straight up lying to their faces and saying they’d spent the day at the museum while they’d really been at the movies all day, stuffing themselves full of popcorn and candy and watching three movies in a row, and then his parents couldn’t figure out why Buck was so cranky the rest of the weekend.

 _“Don’t tell your parents,”_ was a phrase he heard all the time. As if Benji had been coaching him.

And even if he wasn’t - even if it all was just innocent - it was still unhealthy.

Buck wanted Christopher to feel like he could come to him about _anything_ \- but he never wanted that to be at the expense of Eddie’s relationship with his son. He and Eddie were partners, and it was his job to have Eddie’s back. Especially when it came to Christopher.

“So what are you going to tell your dad when he gets home later?” Buck asked Chris, wanting to be sure that they were on the same page.

Christopher sighed loudly, but he sounded a lot less upset than before when he mumbled, “The truth.”

“The whole truth, and nothing but the truth?” Buck teased him, and got an answering giggle for his troubles.

“I solemnly swear.”

“Atta boy.” He ruffled Christopher’s hair and heard himself saying, for the first time, “Love you, buddy.”

Like with Eddie, it just sort of slipped out. 

And like with Eddie, before Buck could panic about it for more than a split second, Christopher replied back easily. “I love you too Buck!”

Buck blinked back tears of his own, marvelling at how lucky he was to be accepted so openly by this amazing kid. He didn’t want to set Christopher off again though, so he quickly wiped them away, and pushed the plate of sliced vegetables toward Chris instead.

“Now, why don’t we eat some veggies and dip, then we can see about working on a do-over for your lost English homework, okay?”

“Aye-aye, captain.”

* * *

“No.” Buck said empathetically into the mic of his airpods. “It’s not me. I was _doing trash.”_

 _“Hmm, I don’t know.”_ Sophia Diaz’s silky voice slithered over the phone. Yes, _slithered,_ because she was a snake. _“I definitely saw red just standing by the trash chute and_ pretending _to do something.”_

“That’s ridiculous, you can’t _pretend_ to do trash!” Buck insisted, growing frantic as he saw that some of the others had started voting. “Look, no, it’s _blue,_ she’s definitely acting sus. She’s saying she saw me not doing something I definitely did and - no guys, stop voting! It’s Sophia okay! It’s definitely -”

The voting ended. All four remaining players had voted him off. 

“Ugh!” Buck vented his frustration as he was ejected. And what did you know - he _wasn’t_ the imposter. 

And sure enough as soon as he joined the ghost chat…

_Bridezilla: it’s Soph._

_Buckley92: mother******_

“Are you still playing that game?” Maddie called to him from her bedroom.

“Depends, is it still Gwen’s lunchtime?” 

Maddie walked into the living room, holding Gwen and thankfully with her shirt on, indicating that she was done breastfeeding. “We’re all done.”

“Alright, hang on, sorry guys I gotta go.” Buck left the game, giving Sophia a mental middle finger as he did. 

To Eddie’s utter bewilderment, Buck had struck up a fast online friendship with both his sisters. What had started with them leaving a few joking comments on his Insta had turned into them forming a meme group chat and before he knew it he was getting invited into their exclusive (and cutthroat) Among Us discord.

It was interesting to see how different they both were from Eddie - and the things they had in common. Adrianna was the confident, rule-following eldest child, who shared her _cut-the-bullshit_ attitude with her little brother. Meanwhile, Sophia was a _fiend_ with Eddie’s wicked sense of humor and even though she and Buck got along like a house on fire... she also mercilessly picked on him.

He turned to Maddie, an aggravated look on his face. “Eddie’s little sister is evil. She’s so mean to me. Is this what having a little sibling is like?”

“Oh no.” Maddie said lightly. “Having a little sibling is being poked _incessantly_ in the back of the head during every car ride and then when you turn around they’re acting like nothing happened.”

“Okay, so the evil thing is just a universal sister thing. Good to know.” 

Maddie set Gwen down on the couch and Buck repositioned himself so that he was nose to nose with her, shifting his voice above two octaves higher as he told her, “If you’re lucky Gwen you’ll just have brothers.”

“If _I’m_ lucky Gwen will have no siblings at all.”

“Please tell me you’re going to ask Chim to get a vasectomy.” Buck laughed at the thought, which caused Gwen to laugh along with him. “Oh, you think that’s funny Gwen? You think it’s funny if Daddy gets a vasectomy? Snip-snip?”

He made a scissoring motion with one of his hands, and Gwen’s tiny hands shot out and latched onto his fingers like a cat. 

“Careful,” Maddie told him dryly. “One of these days she’s going to start talking and repeating what you’re telling her to Chimney. And don’t think she won’t sell you out to him in a heartbeat - I can already tell, she’s a daddy’s girl.”

“Wouldn’t that be hilarious though,” mused Buck. “If her first word was something ridiculous like vasectomy? Or even just _snip-snip?_ I wonder if Chim would get it…”

Maddie raised a finger at him in a startling impression of their mother. “I will ban you from seeing you niece.”

“It’s an empty threat.” Buck assured Gwen. “Uncle Albert started a new job so Daddy and Mommy would never have a night off again if it weren’t for Uncle Evan. Oh man, what if her first word was Evan? That’s sort of hard though, maybe it’ll be _Buck_ -”

“You’d better cross your fingers that she doesn’t start swapping consonants around,” Maddie warned. “Although, to be fair, kids don’t start mastering the ‘ffffff’ sound until they’re at least three.”

“So we’re a ways off from having to worry about that.” 

“I think we’re a ways off from her saying anything in general.”

“True.” But Buck leaned in closer and mock-whispered to Gwen: “Say ‘Snip’, Gwenie. ‘Snip-snip.’”

“I’m going to kill you.”

“That’s mean.” Buck informed his niece. “That’s called bullying, and if you have any siblings make sure you don’t do that. Treat them the way I treat Maddie - nothing but love and respect and gentle encouragement-”

_Fwip._

Maddie hit him softly in the head with a pillow, causing Gwen to giggle. “How are you?” She asked him unceremoniously, taking a seat behind Gwen and pulling her into her lap.

Buck raised his eyebrows. “Um… basically unchanged since you asked me an hour and a half ago when I got here. Although I guess my ego is a little bruised by getting murdered so many times by Eddie’s baby sister.”

“I mean, how _are_ you?” She corrected herself. “In general. In life. You seem like you’re doing better.”

“Oh.” He scrunched his face up in thought. “I guess… yeah. I feel lighter? I mean, I think Eddie and I are officially past the honeymoon period but… I dunno. I feel like maybe I’ve got a better handle on things.” 

“And therapy’s going okay?”

“Yeah - actually, I wanted to ask you about that. Did you ever do EMDR?” 

Maddie made a noncommittal shrug. “I did, after Doug died.”

“Did it help?”

“In the short term.” She said with a sigh. “I don’t know - it might have been a little too fresh at the time. It did make it a little easier for me to talk about what I was feeling… but I think what I needed most of all was just time and space. Is that something you’re thinking about?”

“Yeah,” it was a little surreal talking to Maddie about this so easily. A year ago he wouldn’t have been able to fathom it. “My therapist recommended it to me because even though I’ve been having an easier time writing about it I still have a really hard time talking about it with her… and sometimes when we get too deep into it I get bad nightmares. Or these short flashbacks. So I think I want to try it. I don’t want to feel so _stuck_ on this forever.”

He knew it was intensive, and the idea of it made him nervous. But even though Buck knew there was no way to fully _‘get over’_ Benji hurting him… he wanted to try and take a significant step forward in his healing process. He was ready.

There was a painful looking smile stretching across Maddie’s face. “Then maybe you should try it. When are you moving in with Eddie?”

“Uh - August.” Buck answered, thrown a bit by the question. “Why?”

“Because my nightmares got a lot worse in the middle of the treatment, and I think you might want to wait until you’re not living alone anymore.”

Buck felt his face grow red as he admitted “...I mean I’m basically living there already.” He muttered and Maddie’s smile grew brighter. “But yeah I’ll probably wait until then anyway, because if I started it now I’d be smack in the middle of it when I’m meeting Eddie’s entire family in Texas so that’s probably a bad move.”

“Probably.” Maddie agreed, tickling Gwen’s feet. “Have I mentioned how proud I am of you recently?”

“You could stand to mention it more,” Buck teased her, because the sincere affection was harder to handle than the bullying. 

“I’m serious - look at you all domestic with Eddie. Meeting his _in-laws.”_ Maddie paused and put Gwen’s feet down. “You’re not freaking out, are you?”

“No.” He promised. Okay, he was a little worried about what would happen if they got to El Paso and Eddie’s parents totally shunned him, but not enough to scare him away from going.

“No cold feet.”

“Never.” With a mischievous smirk, Buck pulled off one of his socks. “Here, feel them.”

Maddie batted his foot away with a disgusted scowl. “Ewww! Buck, that is _rank!”_

“Oh come on, it’s not that-” Buck paused and took a sniff. A repugnant smell wafted across the couch toward him and he pulled a face. “Oh god, is that really coming from my _foot?”_

“Wait… no…”

Both of them looked down at Gwen, who gurgled happily at them.

“Alright, well your turn Uncle Evan.”

Buck shook his head at Gwen. “See, your mom invites me over and pretends that she wants to do ‘sibling bonding time’, but really she just _uses_ me and my good heart so she never has to change a diaper again.”

Maddie laughed darkly. “Oh, I’ve changed more diapers than you’ve seen in your entire life. And I changed _your_ diaper so-”

“Uh-uh. No.” He shook his head as he scooped Gwen up and carried her across the room, calling behind his shoulder to continue the conversation. “I refuse to believe you changed my diaper. You were too young. I don’t buy it.”

“I at least changed a pull-up or two.”

  
  


* * *

“Oh no.” 

Eddie winced as he flipped over the pancake, only to discover that it was still a light beige on the other side.

 _“Burnt?”_ Abuela asked him on the other end of the line.

“No, undercooked.”

 _“That’s fine, you can just flip it over again.”_ She informed him helpfully. _“The first one is usually a scrap one anyway.”_

“Good to know.” Eddie knew it was probably embarrassing that he had to call his abuela for help in order to practice making something as simple as _pancakes,_ but it was Buck’s birthday on Saturday and when he’d mentioned offhandedly the other week that nobody had ever made him breakfast in bed before… well, a plan had formed. 

A plan that may or may not have also been motivated by months of harassment by his boyfriend and his son for Eddie’s lack of culinary skills.

But Eddie had a secret weapon up his sleeve, which was Abuela’s special pancake batter recipe that she’d lovingly shared with him without asking too many questions.

After a few more mediocre attempts, by pancake four Eddie’s eyes were rolling into the back of his head on the first bite.

 _“Is it good?”_ Abuela coaxed him through the phone.

“Divine.”

_“Good, then my work here is done. I’ve got to go, but I will see you Saturday.”_

Eddie paused. “Saturday?”

_“We’re having lunch, no?”_

Right, because it was the first Saturday of the month, and that’s when he and Christopher came over for lunch. Eddie knew how Abuela liked her routines, and he’d already moved things around on her the past two months, but… “Abuela, I’m sorry, but could we reschedule that? I have plans.”

 _“You’ve been having plans a lot.”_ She noted, and Eddie winced. _“Can you reschedule those plans?”_

“Unfortunately no, it’s my um-” _Fuck._ Eddie floundered over the explanation. “It’s my friend’s birthday on Saturday and we’ve made plans.”

_“All day?”_

“Well… we have plans in the evening but we were sort of planning on spending the day together.” And the morning, but Eddie knew saying that would get more raised eyebrows than he was sure he was already getting. 

Abuela’s tone lifted. _“Hmmm… well, maybe you could bring your friend to lunch then?”_

And Eddie really should have said no but… 

“I can ask.”

Buck was _delighted_ at the possibility of going to Eddie’s abuela’s for lunch on his birthday. 

“It’ll be fun!”

“Are you sure? You only turn thirty once, you sure you don’t want to spend the day… I don’t know, deep-sea diving, or renting a Ferrari or something exciting?”

“Where would Christopher sit in the Ferrari?” Buck asked practically. “Besides, we’re going to a concert, that’s plenty exciting. And you were going to ask her to watch Chris anyway for the night, so this works out perfectly.”

“Okay but she doesn’t…” Eddie hesitated. “I mean, she still doesn’t know about us being together.”

Which officially made her the last to know, thanks to Aunt Peppa sussing them out the time she had come to drop off some “extra enchiladas” - like she didn’t purposefully make extra as an excuse to feed Eddie and Christopher- and Buck had answered the door in his pajamas. 

(To her credit she had just raised her eyebrows and gave an amused _“thought so,”_ before handing Buck the enchiladas and breezing past him into the condo).

Buck chewed on his lip.

“The wedding’s in less than a month, Eddie.”

“I know.” He wasn’t an idiot, he knew that coming out to his abuela by bringing Buck to Adrianna’s wedding would be a bad idea. Best case scenario, she would feel sad and hurt that he hadn’t just told her, and worst case scenario…

Well. Eddie didn’t want to think about the worst case scenario.

It didn’t help the situation that every time he talked to his parents, they asked if he’d told her yet. They were… coming around, slowly, or at least they’d decided to reserve judgement until they met Buck in person - beyond the five second introduction they’d gotten at Eddie’s shield ceremony, when they’d just met him as Eddie’s coworker and friend (and _that_ had been a whole conversation in and of itself - _“I don’t understand how dating your coworker is even_ allowed, _Eddie”)._

At this point, Eddie got the sense that they were most worried about how their older relatives would react. Adrianna said flat-out that she didn’t care and Sophia was a little more colorful with her opinion _(“who gives a shit what some saggy old geezers we see maybe once a decade mutter about under their breath?”)._

But this was Abuela. This was different.

“I’ll tell her soon, but not on Saturday.” Eddie decided firmly. “That’s your day.”

“That’s sweet-”

“Your day when you finally join the rest of us in our slow march toward senility.”

_“Hey!”_

  
  


Abuela greeted them sweetly when they arrived, demanding Buck bend over so that she could kiss him on both cheeks. “So handsome!” She declared, turning to kiss Christopher on the head. “All you boys are so handsome.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere, Isabel.” Buck told her, shooting Eddie a look that said _see? What were you worried about? She loves me._ Or something along those lines. “Something smells amazing.” 

Fortunately, Buck was used enough to Eddie’s LA family that it wasn’t as awkward as it could’ve been. There were a few times where he caught his abuela glancing between the two of them with an expression that might have been puzzled, but the atmosphere was never uncomfortable. 

“I love the Hollywood Bowl.” Abuela was telling them. “I went to see _Into the Woods_ there, it was very good.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you could watch musicals there.” Eddie replied in interest.

“This’ll be my first time going to the Bowl,” cut in Buck, who obviously wanted to redirect the conversation away from musicals. The one time they tried to go to a musical together, Buck’s leg had nearly bounced clean off his body with all his restless jittering. He did not have the patience to sit through a performance of _Into the Woods._ “All the other concerts I’ve been to have been at Dodger Stadium. I live near there so I’ve never had to worry about traffic.”

“You’ll want to get to the Bowl early then,” Abuela advised them. “Try getting a taxi to drop you off nearby - or one of those app things? Lifter?”

“Lyft.” Eddie informed her kindly. “And thank you, that’s good advice.”

“So you live downtown?” Abuela asked Buck, and Eddie tried not to let his alarm at the dangerous turn this conversation had taken show on his face. “How is it there? I don’t go there often.”

Buck clicked his tongue between his teeth and made a face. “Eh - it’s starting to get expensive. My apartment isn’t rent controlled so the last time I renewed my lease they raised it a hundred and fifty dollars.”

Abuela shook her head. “That’s nonsense. How much are you paying?”

“Around two thousand a month.”

“That is _way_ too much.” Abuela reacted in dismay, “You need to get out of that lease, find an older building. There’s no need to spend that much money.”

“And Buck barely lives there anymore.” Christopher chimed in, causing Eddie and Buck to freeze. “He usually spends the night with us.”

The air went utterly still. You could have heard a pin drop. 

Eddie stared down at his plate. He hadn’t told Chistopher that Abuela wasn’t supposed to know about them dating - he’d just said that she didn’t know yet and he’d prefer to tell her himself. Eddie hadn’t taken the time to go over with Christopher what he was or wasn’t allowed to say because he didn’t want his son to feel like he needed to lie or hide anything from his bisabuela. The last thing Eddie wanted was to teach Christopher that there was anything _shameful_ about his relationship.

So… he probably should have seen this coming.

“Oh.” His abuela sounded taken aback. “Eddie… can I talk to you alone for a minute?”

“Of course.” Eddie followed her into the living room, not meeting Buck’s searching eyes as he moved past him.

He should have been more prepared for this. After months of keeping this from her, he should have composed some sort of speech to explain everything. 

But every time he tried, his brain had just shut down, unable to comprehend the possibility that she would be disappointed in him.

His abuela had been the most consistent part of his life since moving to Los Angeles. And he loved her and she was the sweetest person he knew, but she was old, and from a very different generation. It would absolutely break his heart if she reacted badly, not just because Eddie was afraid of her looking at him differently… but because he was afraid _he_ would never be able to see her the same way.

“Eddie, please look at me.”

He inhaled deeply and started talking as he looked up. “Abuela, I’m sorry. I should have told you, but I wasn’t sure how you would react and your opinion means the world to me-”

 _“Eddito.”_ She reached out and placed a hand on his cheek. “I’m happy for you.”

Eddie blinked rapidly at her. “You’re -?”

“Of course I’m happy. I was _worried_ about you, after Shannon, and you’ve been so busy. But this is why, isn’t it?”

He nodded, breath caught behind his teeth. 

“You’re in love?”

Another nod - Eddie still couldn’t form words, too terrified of saying anything that would break this spell.

“Then I’m happy.” Abuela said, like it was the simplest thing in the world.

Eddie unstuck his tongue from where he’d been sure it was permanently glued to the roof of his mouth. “It’s that easy? You’re not-” _we’re just confused Eddie_ “-confused or anything?”

Her eyes were warm as she rubbed a thumb across his cheek. “Love is love. If you find it, hold on tight to it. And don’t let anyone tell you different.”

And there it was. That same unconditional love and acceptance that Christopher had offered him. That he’d been denied for when he came out to his parents in high school. 

Eddie wrapped his arms around her small frame, tears stinging at his eyes. 

“They’ll come around.” Abuela told him, without him having to explain any of it to her. “My boy is as stubborn as they come, but I raised him right. In the meantime, you will _always_ have a home here.” 

“Gracias, abuela.” Eddie kissed her temple, letting his lips linger there affectionately. “You have - you have no idea how much that means to me.”

“Te amo con todo mi corazon siempre y por siempre. Nothing will ever change that.”

* * *

“So I’m thinking of getting Chimney this shirt for Father’s Day, what do you think?” Maddie asked.

Buck ducked around the aisle where he was examining button down shirts (because according to Eddie he needed to start buying shirts that “actually fit” and he was a “hazard to society” just because one of the buttons on his shirt had popped off his shirt and flown at Eddie’s face - whatever, it was _Eddie’s_ fault for making him laugh like that when they were at a nice restaurant!). 

He looked up and down at the grey t-shirt Maddie was holding up, his head cocked in confusion.

“What the hell is a ‘Dadalorian’?”

“It’s a pun, that Star Wars show he’s obsessed with?” Maddie scrunched her nose up as she considered it. “Hmmm, it might be a little too good, you know?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Like, maybe he’ll like it _too much,_ and then suddenly it’s the only thing he wears when we’re home, _and_ when we go out in public, until eventually it’s covered in spit-up stains but he still won’t take it off…” She placed the t-shirt carefully back on the rack. “I’ll find something that’s just a little cheesier, so that he’ll love it and wear it at home, but won’t want to be seen in public in.”

Buck followed her down the rack as she searched through the novelty t-shirts. “Why are you getting Chimney a Father’s Day gift?”

Maddie spared a glance at him to roll her eyes. “Because he’s a father.”

“Right, but isn’t it supposed to be the _kid_ that gets the gift?”

“I think we’re a few years away from that,” deadpanned Maddie. “And it’s not necessarily just the kids, I remember one year Mom got Dad a nice watch.”

“Must’ve been before I was born - I don’t think I would’ve known Father’s Day was a holiday if they didn’t have us make cards at the last day of school,” Buck muttered, but a dawning horror was creeping up on him. “When _is_ Father’s Day anyway?”

“This Sunday,” Maddie answered, pulling out a shirt that read _Dadd: Dad’s against Daughter’s Dating_ and pulling a face. “Ugh, who came up with-”

“Maddie.” Buck interrupted urgently. “Maddie, I think I’m screwed.”

“Well obviously, but you’ll need to be more specific.” She quipped.

“I’m dating a _dad.”_

“And this is just occurring to you _now?”_

“Am I supposed to get Eddie a cheesy shirt too?” Buck nodded at the shirt Maddie was holding.

Maddie shoved it back into the rack with far greater violence than how she’d treated the first one. “Well not this one, it’s sexist and Eddie doesn’t have a daughter anyway.” 

“I don’t know what the rules are.” He shoved his hands in his front pockets, following Maddie as she left the aisle, apparently over the novelty shirts. “I mean, for Mother’s day I sort of stayed away because I didn’t want to invade their space, and it’s _so close_ to the day that Shannon died. But I don’t even know if that was the right move - Eddie was in his head for a bit after that and maybe he thought I was uncomfortable -”

“But this is Father’s Day,” Maddie cut him off as they got to the kitchenware section, finally an inkling of sympathy on her face. “It doesn’t have anything to do with Shannon, why would you think you were invading?”

Buck avoided looking at her, busying himself with studying resealable tupperware sets. “It’s not just about her. Eddie and Christopher - they’re a _unit._ They’re father and son and I’m just-”

 _“Buck.”_ Maddie’s tone was warning.

“Extra.” He said carefully. “I’m extra, an extra addition and sometimes I feel like the third wheel. And there’s nothing wrong with that, y’know, we’re trying not to rush anything and Christopher needs time alone with just his dad sometimes. I just - I love Chris and I’d do anything for him and I _think_ this is the way that parents feel about their kids, but I’m not his dad. I wish I was, but I’m not.”

Maddie put her hand on top of his, stilling it from clattering through the glass containers. “But you’re family.” She reminded him. “And Christopher adores you. It’s sweet and honestly really mature that you want to give Eddie and Chris their time together. But if you give them _too_ much space, it’s going to feel like you’re pushing them away.”

“How do I know what’s too much space?” 

“You can always ask.” Maddie told him, rolling her eyes when he groaned. “Buck-”

“No, I know you’re right.” He and Eddie were doing better at communicating, but they kept stumbling into all these _firsts._ And some of them were exciting, like the first time Eddie called the left side of the bed _Buck’s side,_ or their first time playing as a team at game night at Hen’s (and losing miserably), and some of them were definitely not so exciting. Like the first anniversary of Shannon’s death since getting together. Or their first fight.

They were getting more confident with navigating those hurdles, but Buck sort of missed the ease of their first few months together. 

When there was less pressure, and they could just… be. 

Maddie made a noise of triumph as she pulled out a mug that just said _DILF, established 2020._

“What do you think?”

“It’s awful.” Buck said with a grin. “Chim will love it.”

Buck only dragged his feet for a day and a half, waiting for their next shift together to bring it up.

“So…” He said, buttoning his uniform shift as they prepared for the day. “We’ve both got Saturday and Sunday off this week.”

Eddie grunted in agreement, pulling on his boots. “You gonna stay the whole weekend this time?”

“Why you gotta say it like that, it’s not _my_ fault my apartment building flooded.” He protested. Then hesitated before adding, “Yeah, I’d be happy to stay the weekend if y’know - if you want me there.”

“Why wouldn’t I want you there?”

“Well Sunday is Father’s Day.”

Uncertainty flickered across Eddie’s face. “Oh. Did you have plans?”

“Huh?” Buck was stumped until he remembered that he did in fact have a father. “Oh _god_ no. No I just didn’t know if you just wanted to spend the day with Christopher, or if you did want me there-”

“I always want you there.” Eddie said. “And so does Christopher.”

Buck felt an instinctive surge of relief but pushed it down. “Are you sure?” He asked, keeping his voice firm. “Because it’s okay if you just want to spend the day with him. It won’t make me feel bad. I know that your time with Christopher is important - and I respect that. You’re his dad first.”

A warm, brilliant smile spread across Eddie’s lips, lighting his face up like it was its own source of light. “I love you.” He told Buck, reaching forward to put a hand on his knee. “And if this locker room didn’t have glass walls I’d be kissing you right now.”

“I’d say just risk it if I didn’t think Bobby would have an aneurysm.” Buck put his hand over Eddie’s and squeezed it. “But also I don’t know if that’s a _yes, stay on Sunday_ or _thanks, I do need space…?”_

“It’s a _thank you for always putting Christopher first, but he spent all day pestering me yesterday if you were going to be there on Sunday and I think he’s scheming something that involves you.”_ Eddie replied, and Buck laughed, ducking his head happily and returning Eddie’s grin.

“God, how’d I get so lucky-”

“Boys.” They both turned to see Chimney standing in the doorway, looking amused. “You’re cute and all, but if you don’t hurry your asses up Cap is going to write you both up for lateness, for the first time in Eddie’s career, and the fiftieth time in Buck’s.”

Buck lifted up their conjoined hand to give Chimney the finger, laughing in delight when Eddie actually mirrored him.

Chimney shook his head, his grin belaying his words. “This is what I get for trying to help - nothing but abuse. And Eddie! You were supposed to be better than this. Buck’s dragging you down to his level.”

“He can drag me wherever he likes.” Eddie replied smoothly, to which Chimney gagged in response, probably thinking that meant something dirty. But the softness on Eddie’s face gave away his true meaning.

“Sap.” Buck fondly rubbed his thumb over Eddie’s knuckles before releasing his hand and jumping to his feet. “Woo! Let’s go save lives, people!”

“Cap also sent me to tell you that you get to start your day on bathroom duty, Buck.”

“Yeah, I’m calling bullshit on that one.”

(sadly, it was not).

  
  
  
  


Christopher ended up recruiting him in a scheme to get up early on Sunday and set up a massive pillow fort in the living room, where they had a picnic courtesy of Dave’s hot chicken (Eddie’s favorite guilty pleasure) and had a movie marathon of Eddie’s favorite PG movies.

Just when Buck thought his heart couldn’t get any more full, snuggled up with his two favorite people in the entire world, Christopher had dug out a mug that read _“Yoda Best Bonus Dad, Love You I Do”_ and handed it to Buck with grand ceremony.

And while Buck didn’t understand the reference - it looked like the little green guy from Star Wars holding a cup of tea? - but he’d instantly burst into tears at the sight of it while Eddie patted his back with a grin.

This was his family. And he wouldn’t trade them for anything else in the world.

* * *

“How many changes of clothes did you _pack?”_ Eddie huffed as he lugged Buck’s suitcase off the baggage carousel.

Buck took it from him, making an effort to pretend like it _wasn’t_ an effort to lift it easily from Eddie’s grasp with one arm (his arm was straining from the weight of it, but it was worth it for the way Eddie eyed his bicep). “I had to make sure all my bases were covered. Y’know, casual day hangout, clubbing outfit, swimming suit, formalwear, hoedown attire…”

“You didn’t actually go back for the Stetson at that shop on Melrose.”

He totally did. “You will have to wait and be surprised like everyone else,” Buck teased him, even though he had absolutely no intention of wearing the hat anywhere that wasn’t their bedroom.

“It has a buckle on it.” Christopher, a terrible secret-keeper, informed Eddie.

Buck just shook his head as Eddie shot him an amused look and mouthed _a buckle?_ at him. “My lips are sealed.” He said with exaggerated drama, causing Christopher to giggle. “Now, where’s the arrivals?”

He could see Eddie’s posture tighten although his face didn’t betray it as Christopher pointed toward the large and obvious exit sign to their left with childish enthusiasm. “That way!”

“Alright lead on.” Buck slipped his hand into Eddie’s, giving it a squeeze of reassurance. “This feels familiar.”

Eddie snorted in spite of his obvious nerves. “At least my parents are actually expecting you.”

“Just focus on all the cows we’re going to lasso, the bulls we’ll ride…”

“Do you know _anything_ about Texas that’s not from a spaghetti western?”

“I know it’s where my family’s from.” Buck nudged his shoulder against Eddie’s. “So what’s not to love?”

Eddie dragged him to a stop, untangling their hands so that he was cradling Buck’s face and pulling him in for a kiss. 

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 _“Da-a-a-ad, Buuuuuuck.”_ Christopher’s voice called to them, dragging both their names out across multiple syllables. He was waiting impatiently for them over by the exit doors. “C’mon, let’s go!”

“You ready?” Buck asked.

This time, Eddie was the one to take his hand and lead him toward the doors as an answer.

A sea of excited faces greeted them on the other side of the arrival door, people with signs that read _Grandma,_ and _Mr. Patterson,_ and…

There at the end was a brightly colored sign that read “The Diaz-Buckleys.” On one side stood Sophia Diaz, swinging her hair behind her shoulder with a wide grin. 

And holding up the other side was Helena Diaz, her smile more tentative and unsure, but nevertheless present as her husband placed a supportive hand on her shoulder.

Buck felt Eddie’s hand tighten in his, and bit back his own smile until he turned to see that Eddie was _beaming,_ radiating relief and happiness as they made their way over to Eddie’s parents and sister.

Christopher reached them first and let himself be wrapped up in their affection, while Sophia lunged forward to tackle Eddie. Buck was content to stand back and let the Diazes exchange their greetings, but when Helena and Ramon turned to hug Eddie, Sophia was yanking Buck down so that she could properly wrap her arms around him.

“You’re so fucking _tall.”_ She informed him brattily, making Buck break out into laughter. “Ugh, I was the second tallest in the family for _so long,_ but then you come along with your gangly legs and it’s just rude. Honestly.” 

“Nice to officially meet you too, Soph.”

She released him with a playful roll of her eyes and Buck straightened just as Helena and Ramon turned to him. Before nerves could overtake Buck, Eddie’s hand found his again - a lifeline, tethering him home. Like always.

“Mom, Dad… this is Evan Buckley.” 

Then, because he was a cheeky asshole, Eddie actually gave Buck a _wink_ as he added: 

“My partner.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs:  
> Discussion of past sexual abuse/assault of a minor (the first section, with Eddie’s POV, is probably the one that is most difficult, as Buck talks about the immediate aftermath of the assault when he was thirteen, so please skip it if you’re unsure. But there are themes of this throughout).
> 
> Discussion of possible past abuse of a different minor (Hen's newest foster child).
> 
> Difficult relationship with parents - for both Buck and Eddie.
> 
> Homophobia - both internalized and subtly externalized (Eddie’s parents). Nothing violent or blatantly harmful, but Eddie comes out (again) to his parents and we see him grappling with that in this chapter.
> 
> Fears (unfounded) of a child being harmed (Buck, about Christopher).
> 
> Discussion of therapy techniques for treating PTSD.
> 
> Little Notes:  
> I realized as I was writing the last section that it was possible people would think that Eddie and Buck had gotten married - so I just want to clarify that no. At this point they are not married, but they are a family and the sign was an indication that Eddie’s family was supportive of that.
> 
> (I know that this interpretation of Eddie’s parents is just one interpretation - we’ve only seen a snippet of them in canon, and I’m open to reading and exploring all sorts of interpretations. I don’t think they’re perfect but I think there’s a couple different directions you can go with them, and for this fic I wanted to explore this angle. They’re imperfect and it was good for Eddie to get some space for himself and Christopher, but ultimately they have a closer relationship than Buck has with his parents. Also I tried to create their slow acceptance of Eddie’s sexuality as something realistic, and their views are very similar to my parents’. It’s definitely not a clean ending, but I think a realistic one that offers some hope).
> 
> I hate airpods, but I feel like Buck would wear them. Also, even though COVID-19 doesn’t exist in this universe, the Among Us craze definitely does and Sophia is certainly sus.
> 
> I do not speak Spanish, but instead lifted the phrase Abuela uses from one that my Spanish-speaking friend has used from time to time. If it’s jarring to you or doesn’t fit feel free to let me know - just from the frequency that we see Eddie’s abuela use Spanish on the show, it felt a little off to have that entire scene in just English. (I didn’t want to use Google translate though, which is why I stuck with a phrase I’ve actually been taught).
> 
> **_Final_ Note:**
> 
> Well here we are at the end of all things.
> 
> I hope that this ending was as satisfying for all of you as it was for me. Yes, it was a little open-ended, but it was important to me that this story feel like it continues on off the page - reflecting real life, while still coming full circle.
> 
> I do not currently have any plans for a sequel and it is extremely unlikely that I will write one. You _may_ see some small related one-shots pop up here and there (if you’re interested, then please subscribe to the “The Things we lose in the fire” series because I’ll be adding them in there), but I won’t make any guarantees. I definitely do not have another story of this length left in me, or even one of Waves’s length. It is _possible_ that I could write a oneshot about Adrianna's wedding, which is part of the reason why I didn't get too deeply into that - I don't have it in me right now to give that the due that it deserves.
> 
> If you don’t see any more writing from me again I apologize but also know that probably means my life may have returned to something resembling a little bit of normalcy and I might be too busy to write - aka, it’s a good thing. This project has ended up being a sanity-saver for me in COVID and I’m really grateful for all of you guys and your amazing comments. 
> 
> Truly, it has been a ride, and I love you all.


End file.
